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Closeted lesbian, crush on girl
I'm a Sophmore in High School. I've known I'm a lesbian for a long time, I've always really known I liked girls and not boys, I've just tried to surpress it. I just avoided dating all together. However, now I have a crush on a girl and it's not going away.
I can't come out to my family. I'm from a conservative Mormon home, they would never approve. The only people who know I'm gay are my 3 best friends and we keep it silent and between us, I'm afraid that if I'm out to the school, the news would travel to my siblings and eventually to my parents.
The girl I have a crush on is from a progressive Catholic home, and she's out to everyone, including her accepting family. She's also the toughest, bravest, strongest, determined, and ambitious person you'll ever meet. She can stand up for herself, and she can handle people rejecting or discriminating against her. I can't.
She does not know I'm gay, or that I have feelings for her. We talk, we're friends. We're both in the drama club and since we're both girls we're in the same dressing room and I see her undress and redress herself every day and her naked body makes me think thoughts I'd rather not have. She has perky, round breasts, a small waist, and an ass. Once she asked me to unzip her dress and as I did I got the urge to touch her that I could barely fend off. She's flirted with me before, and I've pretended to be oblivious. She stopped when she thought she wasn't getting anywhere with it, and it killed me because I do want her. Not only for her amazing body, but because she's an amazing person.
I was taught by my family not to be gay, not to talk to gays, not to fantasize about sex or to have it outside of marriage.
I can't hold back my feelings for her. It's killing me inside. I want to come out to her, I know she'd keep my secret, but doing so would mean coming to terms completely with my sexuality.
How do I go about doing this?
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HI dear.
I wasn't Mormon but in a conservative Christian church. I know the effect of sharing something with parents that goes against the way the parents beleive. I used to be the one who blindly believed whatever I was told and my youngest daughter had experiences of the psychic kind that she could not share with me as she feared I would think she was possessed. So she shared with her aunt instead.
Yeah, I used to be that bad. So I know a mind like that will not be swayed simply by saying the right words. Your coming out to an average pair of parents who are good people but not highly religious, I would encourage giving a try.
The fact is, you are still a minor and are not an adult until 18. You might start with ideas as to what you want to do to get out on your own after you graduate HS. If you tell the parents now, they could give you hell, ground you and make your life miserable for as long as you remain in their care and under their roof. Coming to terms with who you are sexually does not have to include saying anything to the parents. Your life is yours to live. THe parents did their best to teach you all your life what they thought might be the best thing to model your life after. However, all the organized religions, have fallacies, faulty reasoning on some issues and sexuality is one biggie, I remember that from church when I was younger although I do not attend and live a spiritual life yet.
As for the girl, you said she's flirted with you before and you made no response. Probably you had no idea what to say or do. So rather than just blurt out that you are gay and interested in her and freak her out if she isn't, it would be better to ask her a question or two to find out if she'd be receptive. So next time she flirts, ask her if she's practicing flirting with you to be able to do that well with guys, or whether she is seriously attracted to females instead. If she says females, then of course its fine to go ahead and tell her how you feel. If she says she is bi-sexual, then she may be open to a relationship with you if she is attracted to you that way, so tell her. If she says she isn't flirting with you and she's not gay, then you may want to ask a few more questions to see how receptive she is to having gay friends. Ask her if she feels comfortable being friends with gay people. If she is, then as her friend, you may want to let her know that you are gay. Let that sink in for a moment. SHe may say something or not. Then add, I am also very attracted to you. If you are not gay, I ask ahead of time your forgiveness if I say or do anything in a moment of weakness that makes you
uncomfortable. That way, unless she asks, you don't have to share in detail as you did here how hard it is to see her undressing and how tempted you are to touch her. If she does ask for examples of what you mean, then say it. Most young people are very understanding of gender and sexual differences. I doubt she'd freak out. I've had one bi woman approach me once, and same with a gay female but I didn't freak out and make them feel bad. I was friendly and told them it wasn't anything about them personally, just that I diddn't roll that way. If they wanted to just be friends, then I was okay with that. I feel for you, because I get it that its hard enough for a person to approach the opposite sex when young and in HS. But its much harder to know if someone is bi or gay. Other than chat rooms designated to just that, if I were gay, I think that would be a big challenge, trying to figure a way to find out without losing a friendship or freaking people out. If you want to use your own words, at least try imagining yourself in her shoes and how it would feel if you were being told by you that you are gay and have feelings for her. Its hard to imagine being the other person sometimes, but I use this trick often in life to know how to talk to a person, what to say and what not to say. I wish you the best dear. If you need an adult who knows you, to talk to, how about the accepting Mom of the friend who came out to her parents. It helps to have your adult sounding board even if you can't consider your parents for that.
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It sounds to me as if you have come to terms with your sexuality. The problem is your sexuality and your religion are at odds. The biggest problem with your sexuality being at odds with your religion is your family and the possibility you could be shinned by them.
I think for your own mental and physical health you have to come out to your family and see what happens. By law they cannot just toss you aside at least not until your 18 regardless of what their religion tells them. The have the legal responsibility to you to feed, you, cloth you, and provide for you in all manners related to your good health.
That being said it is still not going to be easy to come the family especially a religious family as you will be pitting science VS religious teachings but that is what you have to do.
You say you have known for a long time you are a lesbian. This agrees with all the scientific evidence that have led doctors and scientist to believe one is born Lesbian or Gay and it is not something you just wake up one morning and decide to be. It is very possible that you demonstrated your sexual preference very early in life and your parents just ignored it hoping it would just go away or it was just a phase. IT won't and it wasn't.
You need to research all the scientific information that has lead the medical community to accept Gay and Lesbians as how you are born. That it happens in the womb. No amount of counseling or prayer will fix you. There is no magic pill that will change you.
At some point in your life you may accept men and may even become bi-sexual. The science on bisexuality tends to lead to a voluntary action rather then how a person sexuality is implanted in the womb. The science on bisexuality is rather murky on this.
Most important is you must accept who you are and what your sexuality is. For the most part I believe you have. The next step which is the hardest is to come out to your family. Not that they really need to know but for your peace of mind and physical well being.
I typed the following into a search engine, "Help for lesbians who want to come out to family" The number of sites returned were to numerous to list but all looked very helpful. I suggest you type what I did into your search engine and read what they suggest.
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