Dragonflymagic's advice column

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Hi! I've seen a lot of questions regarding similar topics but none seem fitting to my situation.
I am currently 20 years old—old enough to recognize attraction or this type behavior in my opinion.
My parents have been married for about eighteen years now and my mom HAS cheated in the past. I think I was about 9 years old at the time, and its just a vague memory but I do know that no one has ever found out about it. I've never told anyone that except for my childhood best friend.
Anyways, a a few weeks back my mom mentioned this younger guy at work that she said 'had a crush' on her. We laughed it off for a while. But recently I see her texting all the time (this is weird because my mom doesn't text anyone, at all. She didn't even know how until I taught her)
I felt bad but the curiosity was killing me so in the middle of the night I checked her phone. She had text messages from a random number saying things like "I'm always going to be here for you. You have me blah blah." And her responses were something along the lines of "I really needed to hear that from you."
For the past weeks she keeps saying that she wants to go out, and that she wishes she could do this and that. And even that she wants to separate from my Dad? She even encouraged my Dad, my sister and myself to go away for the weekend without her because she had to work. Then, she told me to check a name of someone on facebook for her(as you can tell shes not very technology savvy) It was of course a younger guy, and she told me it was the same one that had a crush on her.
When I looked at her phone again, she had added this boy to her contacts but under a female name. And I know its the same number as before because I wrote it down.
I honestly don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think. At this point I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions or being paranoid, I know there is something there. I just don't know what kind of relationship she is having with this guy. And If maybe I should sit down with her and talk about it? Please give me some insight, I thought about talking about this with my friends but it's kind of embarrassing considering they come over my house all the time.
Thanks in advance!

I am so glad you wrote. Something like this takes delicate handling so as to not cause a situation where you and mom are at odds with each other and your relationship suffering.

Your mom seems to be comfortable with mentioning to you weeks ago about the guy who had a crush on her. I think if you come to her with the right frame of mind and no condemnation hidden silently beneath, she'll open up to you.
I will apologize right now because this is going to be long as there are many things I need to point out to you. Please go over this carefully and read several times if you have to.
Your intuition is serving you well...that something is not on the level here. From what you have shared, even I would say that she is having an affair. But no one can really know until she is asked and willing to tell.

A fact of life is that we don't have much life experience at a young age to make the best decision in choosing a mate, a marriage partner. I was a virgin, dedicated Christian and so from my Wedding night discovery that we were sexually mismatched, through bearing 3 daughters and 30 years of marriage...I stuck with him because first, the church frowned on divorce. Second, I had no idea how I would support myself and kids if I left.
I have talked to many many females at work. Almost all of them were not happy in their marriage and 75 % or more had no sex at all anymore...just two best friends living under the same roof, or worse, she was his mother figure and he the adult child, or he was verbally or physically abusive. Some women find it easy to let their libido fall asleep and stay that way. If they don't know what they are missing, the wives are content to stay that way forever. If mom had an affair before, then likely, her libido never went to sleep and she has been longing for something more all this time.
I want to explain more of what I meant by sexually mismatched. Likely you may not have experienced this yet yourself. You have heard of chemistry with a person? Well, I met my current husband with online dating site. Before meeting him, I came across many who were great to talk to, it seemed we had enough things in common. Then we'd meet in person and if there was no chemistry, we could feel it even before we tried a goodbye kiss. The second type of person you meet, you have a little chemistry with. but it is weak, like a red rose teabag on it's 4th use...the tea will be very weak. LOL. For those of us who don't know better from experience, we feel this slight chemistry and try to make it work for a marriage. It works for a friend with benefits thing where you still live your separate lives and get the occasional sex to keep sexually healthy but it doesn't work out long term. And unfortunately this is the type of match most marriages are. Now to find someone with whom you have great chemistry, you find that even though all the other guys pale sexually in comparison to...not because they are sexually inept. Many can be doing all the right things, but their touch, their kiss, doesn't incite passion or even one orgasm in you. Can you imagine yourself older, stuck married to someone for years with whom you are no longer sexually excited by or like myself, never was from the beginning? That is not the way to live, yet many do.
Try to look at this as another women, not a daughter and see if you can feel for your mother as a female in her situation. If you can do this, then you'll be able to have a talk with her and have it go well.
Now I am not saying your mom is without fault. Lying and trying to cover up is not right. Go behind Dad's back instead of talking to him and letting him know how she feels, is not right. Perhaps she says nothing out of guilt, perhaps she says nothing because Dad is truly a wonderful man, and she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. But sex is a very important ingrediant to a healthy marriage, there's no way around that. So yes, that means that most our friend's parents likely have a less than perfect marriage. Now I hope you understand why there is so much divorce in society. Sexual incompatibility is one of the reasons that add to the divorce rate.

Now about checking your mom's phone, you felt bad because your inner voice was telling you that you had done something wrong. You went behind her back to verify suspicions just as she is going behind dads back to see someone, whether it's sexual yet or not. I know both you and she will feel better once you've had a chance to talk this out in private.
Do not approach Dad with this, it is for her to do. Do not tell your girlfriends, no matter how close you are with them. They will discover this naturally on their own if your mom decides to separate.
I did get a chuckle over you teaching mom to text. My daughters had to do the same with me and tried to teach me how to use a feature that guesses the rest of a word or sentence but my phone was so ancient it didnt have that. LOL Although I am pretty computer savvy.

It's not fair to your mom to be with someone she loves as a person but not romantically and sexually. It's not fair for your dad to assume she is happy with the quality of their sex life when perhaps he is perfectly happy with it, having a lower libido. Or, there is the possibility that he isn't happy and has secretly done something to help his situation, porn sites, phone sex, maybe meeting women sometimes, just better at hiding it. Not trying to accuse Dad. Just preparing you for all possible scenerios unfolding before you. As unpleasant as they will be to go through, it's less of a shock, when it's confirmed and you find it easier to control your responses to it.

Neither am I saying Mom should leave Dad because of this particular guy, he is only a symptom of the festering problem. If mom is ready to put her big girl panties on and be an adult in how she approaches this, she must be thinking of what is best for herself, and for your dad as far as happiness and fulfillment go. If they have simply become lazy, or it's due to apathy, but they talk it over and are willing to try things to spice up their life again, thats worth trying first. However you can't force them to make that choice, you can bring up the subject though. But it's ultimately their choice.
As much as you want to keep that idealistic picture of Mom and Dad together forever, be honest, wouldn't you rather like to live out your life seeing both your parents happily married, just maybe not to each other. Do you want them together for selfish reasons or do you want their happiness above all else? I hope you're taking notes and don't settle for marrying someone whom you have a less than exciting fulfilling sexual life with. The old Celts had a good practice of making something like a marriage commitment, but it was only for a year. This is called handfasting. After a year's time, if they have learned they are not the best match together they part ways, or if its a great match... they get married. That might be a wise path for you to take as well so you don't end up in your parents position.

So sweetie, you are going to have to bring up the subject with mom. Think of all the questions you have for her and maybe write them down so you don't get distracted emotionally while in the middle of it. One of two things could happen once you ask questions. Mom may immediately start telling you all you want to know because it has weighed heavy on her heart and she has been longing for someone to talk to about this, who is close enough to her. Or she will initially deny it until you tell her all the facts that add up to point out something is going on, and you won't take silence for an answer. If you say, as a daughter you don't want to condemn her, just to understand and support her, she will open up and tell all. I know this all because I went through it with my mom.
This leaves only the young hotshot at work untouched in conversation. I bring him up now because if it ends up he is in a unhappy marriage too, mom has no business with him until he is single. The fact that he is willing to secretly meet, call, text a married women calls question to his character as a man. He may not be a good choice for mom. No matter what comes up, keep your communication lines open with mom so that you can feed her some constructive advice. Often times, it's the children that end up counseling and or helping their parents learn and grow up in an area or two of their life. Nothing wrong with that. I wish you the best. It's none of my business, but I really would love to hear at least if your talk with mom goes well. Good luck and may your Angels go with you.