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I had an abortion and now I don't feel the same way towards this guy
19/f
DO NOT JUDGE ME WHILE READING THIS. Long story short my ex-boyfriend and I broke up from September to November. We had been dating for a year when we departed. We started getting back together and working on our relationship in mid-November and I got pregnant. I had my abortion in December. He wasn't there for me at all, the next three weeks I was crying about it by myself. He got drunk and didn't know how to deal with it, because it was our "school break" untill the spring semester. I feel deep down inside there's a piece of me that will never love him the way I use too. He's apologized so many times to me but I get my period every month now and I just cry because I hate what happened between us. I hate myself sometimes too. He loves me more then anything else and I just don't know sometimes. Sometimes I look at other guys and wonder what it would be like to be with someone else. This is not my first relationship, but yes unfortunately my first abortion. I've dated two other guys one for three years the other for a year. I'm young and I need serious advice. I know it sounds bad. When were with each other were always happy and we barely fight anymore. I just don't know.
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Leave it behind you.
If you two were going to be able to work out, that time is not now. Forcing it now isn't going to work.
Tell him you don't see him the same way, that you'd like to stay in touch but only if he can handle being friends and not dating. Tell him he's got time, or if he needs it can just be over.
Maybe someday in the future things could work. Right now, with what you're dealing with, you need a fresh slate.
Also see a therapist because you should not hate yourself for the decision you made and I think something like that is best addressed by a professional.
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While I am not a psychologist I do believe that what and how you are feeling towards your boyfriend is normal giving what you have written. Having an abortion, though voluntary as it is, is a very traumatic experience for a woman of any age. Anyone who tells you differently is lying. You said you feel like a part of you is missing. In a sense it is though given time this will pass.
I believe the hardest part for you to accept is the fact that your boyfriend wasn't there for you when you needed him. This is a wound that is going to take time and discussion to heal.
It didn't have to be an abortion to cause this pain it could have been any traumatic experience that he found himself incapable of being therefore you. I would say you see him not being there when you needed him as not loving you enough to overcome whatever kept him away.
This may not be true. It may be that he too was scared and did not know how to support you. Rather than hurt you he stayed away. This too is a form of affection. Picking what he may have thought was the lesser of two evils. I really can't say I can only base my thoughts on my own knowledge of how I or others I know handle certain situations.
Your boyfriend has apologised though I believe you are not yet ready to fully accept his apologies. Your still hurt, to erase or put this hurt aside is going to require some deep discussion where you tell him why you're hurt and he can explain why he acted as he did. If I am right that he too was scared and did not know how to be there for you then maybe you can accept his apology. After all you are both young and what has happened is scary to anyone of any age. Maturity comes with age and maturity is what I believe your boyfriend may have been lacking at the time.
I assume he too is over 18 making you both adults now. There is no reason, other than medical or religious reasons why both of you should not be using forms of birth control. Neither of you need parental permission to get birth control now that your adults. You didn't need permission as teenagers to purchase condoms.
My additional advise is that as an adult you are entitled to a sex life. Part of having a sex life is being responsible. Meaning taking proper precautions against accidental pregnancy. You can get birth control pills if you want them. If your in college you should be able to get them through the college health center. If not your own GYN will write a prescription. As an adult you have total medical confidentiality, even if in school and dependant on your parents. They cannot be told the who, what or why of any doctors visit without your written consent.
Your parent may have continued their financial responsibility for you. Though you and you alone are responsible for your actions. When my son was in College even though I was paying the tuition I was not allowed to see his grades. They went to him directly.
This was and is all part of being an adult by law. The same is true for medical information. Even today with him in his thirties if he asks for my help with anything that requires disclosure he needs to give me written authorization to do so and so would you parents need from you to learn any medical information about you.
Also even if you and your boyfriend are in a long term relationship and you are on birth control. HE should continue to use a condom as it adds to the effectiveness of birth control as well as preventing transmission of many STDS and the HIV/AIDS virus. Until your in a definite monogamous relationship and have been tested a condom is a must.
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Hi. It's not of course anyone's place to judge you. Finding a sloution is primarily about identifying the problem, until you've done that it's almost impossible to move forwards. So we do have to, in a way, judge OURSELVES. So with your permission, could I ask you (rhetorically) a few questions? Looking back, BEFORE your own experience, what do you recall was your 'take' on terminating pregnancy? A medical technique that women should be free to use in all conscience, as a method of avoiding a child which was simply 'not an option' at that time? Or were you angled against it, as something ethically or morally wrong? Do any religious convictions you grew up with reinforce this belief? How did YOU passively 'judge' a woman who had an abortion? In this way we might shed some light. It might perhaps get a little more painful to face now. You made the choice, how did it feel when the decision was finalised in your mind? A positive act of self determination, or something largely against your will? Is it possible the love you felt has diminished because you were being 'forced' in a way to do something against your will, something that he was responsible for? Or do you feel that you did something terribly wrong, can't forgive yourself for...and now 'don't deserve to love anyone, or be loved'? Possibly the hardest question...but we must look at it. Did you WANT to have the child? Now the answers are NOT of course just going to 'leap out' in many of these instances. But once you have answered them to your satisfaction you will be in a MUCH STRONGER position when it comes to handling the feelings you are having right now. I only have your post to go on, no 'live' feedback from you. Not there for you...do you resent this still? Repeated apologies...suggesting he feels he NEEDS to, in turn implying you feel that HE forced you into the abortion. Hate...the situation...yourself sometimes. Love...he still loves you. Someone else...an urge to escape the situation without further acknowlegement...a relationship that hasn't got this huge block built in to it? I hope I may have given you a few ideas, maybe a few 'windows in' to a situation you naturally feel an initial urge to forget. Of course we cannot forget on demand. But by acknowledgement and acceptance we CAN liberate ourselves, and also mitigate any future effects. This is exactly what you should be aiming for. The event itself is in the past, and like all past events is beyound any possibility of change. What really matters now is that you DON'T let it impact negatively on your future. Because at 19, you've got a LOT of that!
Quite where this process will lead it's impossible to say. You must try not to tackle it with a predetermined end in mind. How could I put that better? How about, you don't do it looking to build and reinforce reasons to stay with him, and neither do you do it looking for reasons NOT to stay with him. You don't go looking for reasons to forgive, or reasons NOT to forgive. Start with an open mind, no bias or predicted outcome. Some of the 'answers' you come up with may not be the ones you would like to hear, and do not want to acknowledge. But don't 'shy away' from them. Confront them. My very best wishes.
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Dear I had an abortion and now I don't feel the same way towards this guy,
I know how you feel, only I was seventeen and the abortion was forced on me by my parents.
I wanted the child and was so in love with the father. However, circumstances being what they were, we never saw one another again. My parents made sure of it.
I hated myself for letting them take my unborn baby. I hated my parents for taking my unborn baby.
I think even now, at my age, I will never forgive myself for not fighting harder to protect that life that was created in my body.
The hormones and emotions that you are feeling right now are hard to deal with. Maybe it is time to stop and the world and get off. Take a break from everything. Take a break from seeing your boyfriend and dive into something that you can get consumed with for a while. A hobby or interest.
I find books and outdoor activities help take the stress off. You should try it too. Maybe a break from reality will help you get your priorities in check.
Good Luck!!
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To be honest, I would have a hard time being in attendance at an abortion either. It would be too emotionally upsetting for me as a total stranger. At his young age it must be mind blowing. Any woman, no matter what age she is, goes through psychological issues and sometimes the abruptly ended pregnancy confuses a womans body so much it goes haywire and her health suffers in one way or another. I should know, my younger sister had multiple abortions when she was young and it had its affect mainly physically but some emotionally.
If you have support from parents, or any other adults you are close to an aunt perhaps... it would be a good idea to ask for help to go for counseling because of the emotions you are going through. If you won't talk to family, ask a school counselor if there is a program in your area that offers free counseling to teen girls in your situation. If the best you can get is sessions with a pastor who has a counseling degree, please still consider it. If they have been trained and have a degree, they set aside their religious beliefs and are not judgemental but try to help you work through it all. I have seen a counselor once who was a pastor. He was very gentle and caring and helpful. I can't over stress your getting some counseling and there you can talk out the issues also of how you feel about the guy.
Second thing I want to get across is that I understand once a teen has become sexually active, there is no going back to being celebate.
So I won't try to convince you to not have sex. But you are in great danger of having this happen again. Remember I mentioned my sister went to many abortions. The more you go through, the further it messes up your body. Condom's are ok for an occasional fling. But if you are having sex regularly as I suspect from what you wrote, then condom usage will get you pregnant again. So will using a diaphragm. If you think you can remember to take a pill regularly, then you may want to get on that. But if you miss taking pill a couple days...you could end up pregnant again. About the only carefree thing that works really well is an IUD, an Intra Uterine Device. You need to go to a gynecologist for that. Unless as a teen you are independantly wealthy and have income to pay for such a visit which I am pretty sure you aren't, and planned parenthood doesnt pay for anything like that,
your only option left is to tell the parents as it is. >That you are sexually active and do not wish to become pregnant. You can say you know people who got pregnant using condoms, and that you have researched your options and ask if they'd take you to a gynecologist. It would be good to get tested for and STD's at the time including Herpes which you have to ask for. Herpes is not regularly tested for. Some have it passed to them from a parent who has it but doesnt know. It can be passed when there is no sore visible. I know what I am talking about cus I have it. I rarely get an outbreak so i am lucky.
If your parents are not open minded or extreme religious, is there another adult you can speak to about getting help with a more trustworthy contraceptive and perhaps they will speak to your parents on your behalf. Something must happen regarding protection cus I don't want to imagine you having to go through this again hon.
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