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We can still be friends
So I Have been talking to this guy for about 2 months, when i say talking i mean texting everyday all day. However he goes to a different school so we have only been on an actual date twice. So i think everything is going great, except when he kisses me it seems rushed, and this is annoying because i even went in for a second kiss. Well the next day i find out he just wants to be friends because he doesn't really see a spark with me. My personality is too shy for him in person. I dont know what to think is this whole personality thing an excuse to not date me or is he really telling the truth? If we were friends for a while is there a chance this could change when i get more confortable with him? I'm confused and sad. By the way I'm 17, he's 18...
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
At your age there is still so much to learn about dating, relationships and such. We all have the desire to be with someone, have someone pay us attention and hopefully progress to the romance department and maybe even lovers. But if we did not internally have some criteria to pare down the possibilities that are the best match for us, then realistically that means that any male living on this planet could be a match for you, right?
That means the 58 year old single man next door is a candidate, what? Too old? Ah so there is some criteria, an age limit. How about the computer nerd who is shy is a good candidate. NO? Oh so you don't like shy quiet guys, so is there some criteria on the personality. The amputee living out of a wheel chair is a candidate for you if there was no criteria, the guy who lies to people qualifies as much as the car thief, drug dealer, and woman beater.
Yes, these are extreme examples but this is to get across the point, that we have morals we live by and those are standards we look for in a boyfriend or mate. If he doesnt match them, we have no business being with them. Then there is also personal taste. Some like more of an introvert while some like more of an extrovert. Some are drawn by a persons choice of personal style ie how they dress and do their hair is important to them. The list goes on and on to include interests, hobbies, what they believe in.
Not all young people have figure out what they want yet. But a few have. So there's a chance he is telling you the truth that he doesn't feel a spark with you. Sometimes you can tell already just being in a person's presence even before a kiss. It is called chemistry. A real bummer for me was finding someone who met all my criteria before I met him in person, once in his presence, (that's the only place you can tell if there is chemistry) I discovered there wasn't any. Life isn't fair. Sometimes neither of you feel any chemistry or "spark" as he called it. Sometimes only one person feels it and the other doesn't. Imagine now if the roles were reversed and you felt no spark for a guy but he feels one for you. Are you going to force yourself to endure being around him, kissed by him when you feel nothing, and you do it only because you feel sorry for him that he feels something for you. I highly doubt you would do that. And this takes us right back to "criteria"... If you Were willing to hook up with someone you did not feel a spark for, then 99.9 % of the guys in the world are a perfect match for you.
Next point is: Do Not Change Who You Are to Get The Guy/the Love You Want. You may think this is a simple solution. It may work in the beginning but eventually, the person you're with will lose respect for you because you are not being a genuine person, you are not being yourself. And the relationship becomes a very rocky one with all sorts of problems. I changed who I was when I married at 20 to try to live up to what my husband wanted. Nothing I ever did was good enough. It was a big mistake that took me 30 years to finally walk away from. I had to go back and read my teen age diaries to re-discover who I truly was before I changed who I was for a guy.
Never change for anyone. Be yourself. Be willing to learn and grow and become a better more evolved, more mature person. But it should not change your natural personality. There is someone for everyone. At your age range, most the guys are not mature enough to know what they want let alone how to treat a girl...so it will be hard for a while to find the right guy but he's worth waiting for.
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I don't think he realizes that once you are comfortable with him, then you won't be shy anymore.
Who knows if it was an excuse or if he actually meant he didn't want to date you if you're shy.
It actually really bothers me because he didn't really even give you a chance.
Either way, he doesn't sound like he's meant for you. If he wants you to change, then he doesn't like the real you and this guy wouldn't be able to be what you need.
It bothers me that he couldn't even realize that once you get more comfortable with him, you won't even be that shy. It makes sense to me.
Although, I know lots of guys who think girls who are shy very cute.
Anyways, I think the best thing to do is move on and find someone who likes you for you.
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It's always hard when you're rejected by someone because of something you can't help-your personality.
But if you're naturally shy-remember theres nothing wrong with this, lots of guys like shy girls. Also, never change for anyone-because if you don't live your life according to who you really are-the only person your kidding is yourself.
If I were you, I'd move on. Whilst its hard and you still like him and everything, you'll feel stronger for it. Without being harsh-he doesn't want to be with you. Don't you deserve someone who accepts you for who you are and does want to be with you? Of course you do. Use this set back to make you stronger-at least you learnt you're not reliant on a guy being in your life-and the right one will come along.
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