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I Feel Like I Don't Have a Father Sometimes
Sorry for the length. My dad can be selfish, condescending, self righteous, hypocritical, and hateful. Worst of all, he and I aren't around each other enough to be very close and he favors my sister to a point where I don't feel like he's her father and my father as well. When she's not around, he is nice enough, but when she is, it's like he's only got enough niceness to go around and she gets it all. He takes her side all the time and assumes that I'm going to be a jerk to her before I've even done anything. She just got engaged Friday night and my mom has concerns about her fiancee, which my dad is on her back about saying how disappointed he is in her for not being happy for my sister and supporting her any decision she made. What sucks is that I know there are decisions I could make that he wouldn't support. He told me that he wouldn't let a man marry me if he didn't like him and Saturday night, I made a decision I know he won't be happy about. I'm 25 years old and I still go to my parents baptist church, but have just chosen not to anymore. I'm going to explore other churches and denominations, but I can just hear my dad yelling about it as if our church is the only acceptable one in the world. Not to be selfish, but a little part of me was hoping that I'd get married before my sister so that I'd be in the spotlight for once. I can't see my dad caring as much about my wedding as he does about her's, but if mine came first, he might care as much or at least act like he did. What's sad is that recently, to prevent more negative feelings, I've decided to stop caring about my problems with my dad. I feel like there's nothing I can do about them, but I know it's wrong not to care. What should I do?
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You mentioned, " I'm 25 years old and I still go to my parents baptist church". the question in my mind is, 'Are you 25 years old and still living at home?"
If you are, then in his eyes, "no matter your age or who you are, what he says is what goes" under his roof. Just because you find a mouse in the cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. Just because you find some people regularly attending church, that doesn't make them loving Christians. Sometimes children end up with a parent or both parents who as souls are not doing very well at growing up and becoming more like the heavenly father. I am glad to hear you mention decisions you have made for yourself. If you intend to start making decisions to run your own life that don't mesh with his ideas of how things should go, then as long as you are living under his roof it will be harder. I am wondering how he treats your mother. Sounds like she isn't allowed to have her own thoughts and ideas about anything from the example of him not liking the fact she has concerns over the fiancee. It could be that your dad has a controlling personality. I have 3 daughters 21, 24, 27 and they couldn't wait to distance themselves from dad after I left him. They chose not to come with me. But once the sane loving level headed parent was out of the mix, the fact that their dad had some mental issues became very clear. None of them are married, just have multiple room mates to be able to afford an apartment.
I'll bet theres a chance you can find an ally in your mom. Sometimes parents who wish they had made different choices for their own lives growing up, try to relive their lives through their children or the child of their choice. That would mean that the parent controls every choice, every action, even the choice to marry or not and who to marry. So actually, your sister is entrapped and doesnt see it. She is his pawn. I would feel sorry for her. You are actually lucky that his focus hasn't been on you to that extent, as it will be easier for you to escape his controling behavior. I don't know what you have picked up about God from attending church, but the heavenly father is nothing like your dad. He is an ally, one you can rely on no matter what. There doesn't sound like there is much love in your family as far as dad is concerned. I highly doubt he even understands unconditional love. I could be wrong but too often. Thats love you don't have to earn, you don't have to be a certain way. Here's a question: Does a newborn baby have to earn it's mother's love? No... it doesn't do anything but cry to be fed and poop diapers. It doesn't have to do anything to be loved in return. That is unconditional love. If as it grows up it makes mistakes or chooses to break the rules, does that mean the parent withholds love? No...most parents still love their child unconditionally, even if the child is an adult going to prison. You haven't experienced that as far as I can see from your dad. But I don't have the whole story from you either.
So much of my attempting to help may be off the mark.
What I do know is that since you asked for advice, there is a streak of strength in you. You do want to have a good relationship with Dad and at the same time begin to live your own life. If he doesn't like it, then you must still go ahead and make the changes you feel you want to try. Spread your wings. Be the adult. Often I see my daughters acting more the adult than their own father, it's sad but true. If your dad can't be an adult about your decisions, that's for him to deal with internally best as he can but do not let his immaturity affect you. He may withhold what little love there is between you, and denounce you from the family. Keep it in perspective, he has no power. The real power is in Love. Continue to listen to your inner voice and guidance, that is how God speaks to you too. Do not be afraid to explore anything God steers you towards. Even if it goes against the traditional religions. Becoming a spiritual child of God and realizing you are part of that family is not confined within the Christian church. I have a feeling you already sense that. I came from 30 years of Christian background to learning to embrace much of the other spiritual paths. Indeed I found more unconditional love in spiritual people outside of church than in. Whatever you do, follow what your inner voice says to do and you will be fine.
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I think you are trying to find a healthy way to handle your relationship with your father, and you should feel good at least about that. A lot of people are a lot older than you before they ever take a deep breath, and let their parents be their own – sometimes shitty – selves.
You might be right that “not caring” isn’t quite the right approach. It might be better to think of this as ‘having realistic expectations.’ You can still care for the man, and you can make an effort to make your relationship better, without torturing yourself with the hope or expectation that he’ll wake up tomorrow a changed man.
Realistically, you know your father will not give you the love, respect or support you are looking for. He isn’t going to value you in the way a father should.
It’s not quite right to say there is “Nothing you can do.” There is little you can do to change his behavior - there is a lot you can do to keep yourself happy, sane and healthy despite the choices he makes.
So here’s my advice to you, and it might be off the mark, but I’m going throw it out there anyways:
Why not work on your relationship with your sister? It sounds like your father has poisoned you both towards one another, and if there is any bad blood between you two, he’s made it worse.
I suggest this because when I was about 25 I suddenly found out that my sisters and brothers were also kind of cool people. We finally had enough distance from our childhood lives and parents, that we were able to really meet another, on our own terms, as adults. Now, I have seven siblings, some of whom I consider friends, and some of whom I don’t, so by means am I saying you should force yourself to become your sister’s bestie, but I am saying that if there is a lot of baggage in your relationship with her, now is a good time to try to reintroduce yourselves as adults, and build a relationship with her that is free of any negative influence from your father.
You might find that is a much more rewarding way to take charge of your own relationships and dynamics in the family, rather than wishing and representing your father for everything he isn't.
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In a sense I have been where your at. I was the child my father never wanted. No my parents were not forced to marry they were married 3 years before I arrived. I'm a WWII war baby and my father married my mother during the war mostly to have someone to worry for him and waiting for him when he came home. Mom got pregnant with me shortly after he came home and his father forced him to man up and take responsibility.
I spent my whole life trying to please him with long periods of him not talking to me when I displeased him. In the end before he died he and I hadn't spoken or seen each other for over 10 years. My mom had died, she was the referee between us and I saw no further reason to keep up the charade.
It appears from your writing that your situation is not all that dissimilar. Your 25 an adult who should be responsible for herself. Yes it would be nice if your dad supported you and the decisions you make. Showed you the love and attention you deserve.
Nice is one thing and reality is another. You have to deal with the reality you have. Be happy for your sister. You were right not to run off and marry the first guy to come along. Neither should you marry the next guy to come along just to grab your fathers attention.
I think you are right to strike out on your own and seek out other churches other denominations. There is more to life then one church one denomination. You should explore other parts of life as well. You should try to explore the many great things this life has to offer us. Be it be back packing through this country or others; or just exploring different pleasures you have not had the chance to explore.
I don't think you have chosen not to care about your dad and the problems between you. I think you have chosen to ignore them, there is a difference. By choosing to ignore them you are also choosing to move on with your life regardless of how he may feel. If you chose not to care you could not truly move on with your life.
You have made the same choice about your dad and your problems with him that I made about my dad and our problems. I can support this choice and urge you forward. If you are still living at home I would also urge you find away to move out, even if it means finding a room or a roommate to move in with.
You cannot fully appreciate life as an adult while living under your fathers roof and under his thumb.
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