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forever lost: Is there someone that can save me from myself? Anyone?
why do i search for something that i can not achieve? i married a man that i love with everything that i am ... but i feel so lost and alone .. there is no passion anymore .. i dont think that he is still in love with me and i think that he is searching for a way out ... i have cried so much that i feel empty.. here i am resorting to putting my feelings out to the world just in case there is someone that can save me from my self ... i just want to die, i am a failure as a mother to a son i never see... i am a failure as a wife to a husband i watch hate me each day .. fleeting moments where i see what could ... what should be .. but when he looks at me he see's a traitor... or just person that he once knew... i used to have so many wonderful traits but i dont have anything... the only thing i want is what doesnt want me... death would be preferable to this living torture?? please someone tell me how to end this i just want to rest now. i have nothing left to give of myself ... i am all ready dead .. if only i can end my own painful existence...
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Want to answer more questions in the Health & Fitness category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Mental health?
You do sound depressed. Seeing a counselor is good advice. However, at the same time...only you(and your creator if you believe in God) can truly be your best advice, for you know yourself the best.
I hope I am not reading into your words something that is not the case, but I get the impression that perhaps over the years you have been willing to change who you are to have what you thought you could get, 'as in the man who is your husband'. Your way of expressing yourself sounds like you have a very low self image of yourself right now. I don't believe this was always the case. If you had that low a self image when you were still single, you would not have been able to get him to marry you in the first place. I am wondering if your life began to revolve around that which you thought would bring you "Happiness" and contentment. Obviously there is no joy in life for you. Here's a quote I wrote that sums up Happiness vs. Joy for me,
“Desiring Happiness is to desire being led about by the external occurrences in your life which are momentary and leave you craving more. I'd much rather have Joy that comes into existence by internal sources of contentment and inward peace, is long lasting, and therefore not affected by what comes our way.” So stop focusing on what is not working in your marriage or in relationship with son. You haven't failed to remedy a situation or learn or grow until you're dead. I am not trying to be callous here with you mentioning wanting to end this. I am trying to say there is hope. I believe that the desire in you to find an alternative path to get out of the miserable place you're in is stronger than wanting your life to end. Why? You would not have asked for help here otherwise. The answers for you lie within yourself. My advice would be to listen to your inner voice...if you believe that we all have a higher self as well as a subconscious mind too. If you don't believe that...what have you got to lose? Same goes for having a belief in something greater than you. I can tell you right now that having that belief in God is what kept me sane and with a strong self image in the 30 years I was with a husband who verbally abused me starting just months after we married and it continued through to the day I finally left. My strength was inside myself..because thats where my inner voice was and where Spirit of God resides. You are looking outside of yourself for approval and for your strength which means you will come across as "needy" to some people. Some are attracted to that because they have a need to control someone and it's easier to do with someone like that. I could be totally wrong, if so, please forgive me.
But people like yourself do not end up in such a desperate place by being a happy, inwardly strong and confident person. Hitting bottom like this is not a bad thing. It is actually good because there is no lower to go, the only direction from here now is up. Sooo...what are some of the first things to do to get the ball rolling in the right direction, you will need to do things for yourself, things that will raise your vibrational levels (go buy a book about this) but a few things I can mention is that right now your energy levels are low. The fastest way to raise them is to put on the kind of music that makes you feel good every time you hear it. Sing along to the songs. Movement helps with depression. Movement such as walking. I dare you to try skipping like we did as kids without getting a smile on your face while doing it. Dancing in your house to your favorite music will do it also. Humor and laughing is another quick way to raise your vibrational levels Watch a great comedy. Look up comedians on the computer and watch several. You will not feel like doing these things at first and thats alright, just force yourself through it. But before long you should feel a little lighter, like the heavy blanket on you has lifted. You will need to do this regularly. Next I would suggest finding yourself some "Meet up groups" to join where the people share a similar interest with you. If you have no current desire for anything, try to remember what you used to like and start with that. Or perhaps try something new. All That I am telling you right now to try is what I told my daughter when she was depressed for a year after a breakup and lost lots of weight. She went to a free appointment with a counselor through her employer only to hear the man suggest her to try everything I had already told her! Hopefully you live in a good size town so there will be many options. Lets say you like coffee, walking and board games....there are meet up groups like that to be found. The ones I'd like to see you stretch and try will be filled with a good amount of positive people who work on healing. Most meetups are free or have a nominal free for any printouts given to take home. Try searching for Reiki healing, healing energy meetups, intuitive healing, spiritual health meetups...these aren't exclusive belief systems but accept all, meditation meetups although this might be a hard one for you to start with. In internet search put "Meetups.com" your city, how far willing to travel, and narrow down search with specifics in the drop down list. Most the ones I mention can be found under New Age/Spirituality. The folk in these groups are very accepting, not pushy, willing to give free healing energy to each other and would love to give to you. Take a chance, be transparent and let them know how you are feeling and how you want that to change. Once you have begun to receive some energy healing from them and are doing better, next focus on exploring belief systems...all of them are helpful, whether you decide you identify more with a mix of all, are buddhism, hinduism, or even druidism or paganism. Christianity has it's good points but in your fragile state, I would suggest refraining from getting involved there for a while if that is your choice as I come that background and they just aren't set up to embrace all the things that really help that I have suggested to you. The church tends to steer you away from Reiki, intuitive healing and such. I would really like to hear back as to how you are doing. I am sorry this is so long but I really felt everything i said had to be shared. It may be overwhelming to start but you can do it! I will pray for your guardian angels to help you. Please let me know if there is anything else I can help you with, if you need further clarification on something. Blessings to you dear one!
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You sound depressed. Seek professional help immediately. Go see a counselor. Get on meds if you have to.
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Death is not the answer, it never is. You leave behind people who love you, a son without a mother, a husband without a wife, a mother and father without a daughter. All of whom will hurt and question why?
The problem you have I believe is you are depressed. It may have started as postpartum depression and having gone untreated has caused you to continue to suffer. As someone who has suffered with depression I can tell you for certain depression hurts both physically and mentally. When we are as deeply depressed as you may be we tend not to see things as they are but distorted by the depression we are suffering.
Fortunately there is help and you have taken the biggest step in getting helped by writing to us. By writing to us you are really not asking to die for you know we would never tell you how to do that. You are writing to ask us how to live and that is what we will help you do.
If you are felling actively suicidal, meaning you want to hurt yourself now; pick up a phone and dial 911. Tell the call taker you are thinking of hurting yourself. The call taker will stay on the phone with you while help is sent to you. The help will be in the form of a fire department engine company from the closest fire station, an ambulance and a police officer. The police officer is not there to arrest you or harm you. Only to ensure that you get the help you need and that you cannot harm yourself. The ambulance will take you to a hospital where the doctors will evaluate you for depression and get you the proper help and medication.
If you are not felling actively suicidal then I would like you to call this number; 1-800-273-TALK (8255). This is the National Suicide Prevention hot line. No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
Please trust me when I say this; I've been where you are now and I can tell you there is a light at the end of the tunnel. All you need to do is take the next step and either call 911 for help or call the hot line. My wife was ready to leave me before I asked for help, was diagnosed and got treatment. We are still together today and our marriage is stronger then ever.
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