I have studied psychology though I am not a psychologist or a licensed counselor of any sort. I'm an artist and writer and teach both to small private groups. I have worked with counselors by using art and writing projects at workshops to encourage people to open up, and I have been recommended by therapists to their clients to take my classes to help them understand more about themselves and what all is going on in their lives through art and writing. Though I'm not an art therapist, I use many tools from art therapy and my own experiences gleaned from counseling. I have always had the desire to help people and I do it in any way possible. Hopefully I can be of some help to many of you!
E-mail: susana182006-extra@yahoo.com
Gender: Female
Location: Virginia
Occupation: artist & writer/teacher of both
Age: 52
Member Since: November 27, 2005
Answers: 116
Last Update: February 25, 2006
Visitors: 15862
Main Categories:
Love Life
Families
Mental health
View All
Favorite Columnists
karenR
DangerNerd
DeadMemories
sizzlinmandolin
*Kate*
Siren_Cytherea
rainbowcherrie
jealousyxo
HectorJr
TimmyTM
hailebop
more...
|
| |
|
If your raped and the guy gets his **** into you and forcefully starts to F*** you but you push him off after he was at least 2 inches in...does that make you a non virgin? Does rape even count? Or what? IM SOO LOST (link)
|
I don't know if you're talking about yourself or a friend, but for the sake of my response, I'm going to respond directly to you as I'm thinking you might have been the one raped.
I am SO sorry about your experience. No one deserves to have to go through any kind of violation of her or his body and space. Rape is such a violent act even if there is no "violence" involved. The violation of your choice, your body is what is violent.
Virginity is a complicated issue which is argued within the Church and outside of it. It is an emotional and spiritual thing that does not have anything to do with somone violating you...especially for the first time. It is my belief that you are still a virgin emotionally and spiritually even if there was penetration (small or great). I have provided you a link to a wonderful article written by a woman who was assaulted at 15 and who addresses your exact question in a very kind, thoughtful, and thought provoking way. I encourage you to read what she has to say. The article is simple and not very long.
http://www.teenadviceonline.org/articles/virgin.html
Please know that there are many rape SURVIVORS out there and that WE (yes, I was assaulted as a child and raped as a young adult; the rape was my first experience with sex and I, too, was "lost" and confused) stand behind you and feel for you and what you're going through in a very powerful and connected way.
I strongly encourage you to seek counseling NOW. You may think that the way you feel will just go away, or get better, but having been violated is something that you need to deal with immediately before those feelings manifest into something far worse than what you're feeling right now. The fact that you're talking about it is the first step and the hardest step. Please take the next step and get with a counselor. Can you talk to your parents about this? Have you tried? If you haven't and don't feel comfortable for any reason, do you trust your school counselor because he or she can help you get started by recommending where to go for help. There are free clinics out there with counselors who are able to help people like you. However, I would suggest that you try to enlist the help of your parents. They should know, if for no other reason than to be there for you and to be supportive of you during this time. Please don't just think about this horrid incident as whether or not you've lost your virginity. This is way more important than that and goes into you on a very deep emotional level. Somehow I think that you're probably already doing a trip on yourself and feeling guilty just because of your question. YOU have nothing to feel guilty about!! It does NOT matter if this guy thought you were "leading him on" or not. What exactly is leading a person on anyway? There should have been a MUTUAL decision as to whether or not sex would be an option for the two of you. Please, please know that no matter what you wore, what you said, what you did, you did NOT deserve this!!
Please let me know how you're feeling when you can. If you want to talk more in depth about what all has gone on, do feel free to contact me via e-mail at soysusana@verizon.net. I am concerned about you and I definitely care. I am so sorry...
|
Hi Susanna
Thankyou for answering my question about my bf not wanting me to be happy at work.
Well I read your answer and you have some interesting questions. I thought about where you said that just because he makes good money doenst mean he likes his job, and that me being so happy at my job makes him envious. Well i believe you are right... this is his work scheldule : he has to work 12 hour shifts, two weeks STRAIGHT before he gets any days off. Then he has two weeks off but he spends most of it sleeping. He has never admitted it to me but I think he is getting burnt out. He is a chef and thinks the money it too good, but really, whats more important, money, or happiness? It's also a 12 hours drive from his (our) city to the oil rig camp. When you asked if he had be jeolous of my happiness before I remember several times when some really cool things happened for me where he was not supportive at all. For example, me and my mother were published in a national magazine last year, and he was acting very jeoulous. He said he never even read the article and when I mentioned it he would snap. He would also pout if I would do things with my father instead of him. I think that your'e right about him being fearful of me meeting other people at my job. He seems to like to control my friendships. Maybe he's worried that because he's gone working all the time that I will meet a guy at work?
Well I've been thinking a lot lately about this guy and the more I think about it I'm happier that he is gone working most of the time just because what a jerk he is to me. He could probably sense that I sounded relieved that he had to go back to the camp the last time I talked and that pissed him off.
So my next question to you is: after everything I've told you, do you think this guy even cares about me at all? Or does it sound like he's just a control freak and wants everything his way? (link)
|
Hi there. I'm glad you wrote back. It sure sounds like you're trying to look at this whole situation very wisely.
Yes, I'm sure this guy cares about you, but how healthy is the relationship is the key question. Does he care about what goes on in your life, or does he care about you being there for and with him? It does sound like he could be a control freak and wants everything his way. When you said that you feel he has seemed to try to control your friendships before, that really concerned me. That's not a good thing and it's kind of scary if you think about it. If he were around a lot more than he is, what all else would he try to control? And, would you even be able to HAVE friendships much at all? The fact that he gets all bent out of shape when you want to do things with your father is, to me, an indicator of something gone very awry. And that, too, is scary to me. You wanting to do things with your parents from time to time should NOT cause him any grief if he really cares about you. Surely he'd want you to continue having a good relationship with your folks. However, many abusive guys start out by trying to control their girlfriend's/wife's jobs, friendships, family encounters, schedules, etc. I'm not saying this guy is abusive, because I truly don't know. But he's already showing some classic signs of abusive behavior with EVERYTHING you've mentioned. Sometimes this behavior turns into violence as the abuser feels like he or she is losing more control. Sometimes, the abuser does not turn towards physical violence, but uses emotional and verbal abuse. It sounds like he's already getting the emotional abuse down. And if you read about abusive behavior, researchers say that the emotional abuse is often more difficult to get over because one keeps telling him or herself that it isn't as "bad" as physical abuse, there are no scars, and, oh, in reality it's not as bad as it could be. Aack! Watch out for that kind of thinking.
From what you've said - and I'm only guessing here - it sounds as though he would have liked it if you'd gotten a job that wasn't all that great; where you didn't meet people he didn't already know and who he couldn't "control" as far as being with you; and I'd bet he would have liked it if you had a job in which you could arrange being available to him when he's home after his long 12 days...whether he sleeps most of that time or not. The idea of you just being there, waiting for him, probably made him feel a lot more secure. He sounds like he's very insecure and of course that's where jealousy about anything comes from. When you described his job, I couldn't help but think how much he must not like it. Or, at least it is a job where he doesn't have much fun and I bet you're right, he's burning out. Who wouldn't after a schedule like he has?! But, I wouldn't look at the possibility of his being burned out as an excuse for how he's treating you. He's being very childish, if you ask me.
My ex-husband is a chef and worked ridiculous hours and too many days at a time. He didn't try to control my friendships, but he sure didn't support my accomplishments as an artist, a writer and teacher. Your story about how your guy reacted (or did NOT react) to you and your mom being published (which, by the way...CONGRATULATIONS! and I want to know where you were published and what it was all about...but I digress), brought back memories of the times I was published and how my ex-husband reacted. He did NOT give me any support, was not thrilled, etc. He always first wanted to know how much money I would make. Never a congrats first. And, he even asked once why in the world I would have written what I did and why the magazine would have printed my piece! When I was commissioned to do several pieces of artwork for a university, he asked, "Why? Why would they want YOU? They don't even know you." Sigh. This went on too long, so, along with many other problems, I decided not to stay with him any longer. And yes, I know he cared about and loved me in his way. But I needed more and I needed to not feel as though I had to defend my joy or my accomplishments. Do you get what I'm saying, because I know I'm writing an awful lot. Sorry about that. But you should know, your situation is reminding me a lot of mine. Let me tell you how much happier I've been without someone dragging me down for whatever reason. It took a while for me to see what this emotional abuse (there was more to it than what I've mentioned) was doing to me. But with you, you sound as though you're seeing it in good time and have the opportunity to get yourself out of a potentially unhealthy union fast. Geez, no wonder you look forward to him leaving for his job. I bet you have to be on your toes when he's around and I'm guessing you often have to walk on egg shells so as not to upset him or "cause" him to pout. What a way to have to live...not!
Long answer, as usual, but I hope I answered your main question. Just be careful, follow your gut - listen carefully! You need to be with someone who can appreciate all that you're made of and that includes your friendships, work, creativity, and family. You need someone who does and acts like he trusts you, and very importantly respects you. This guy doesn't sound like that to me. You deserve a lot better even if that sounds like a cliché. I honestly believe you do! Please keep in touch with me if you'd like about this whole thing. I'm interested to know how it all works out. My e-mail address is soysusana@verizon.net. Good luck. I think you've got a great head on your shoulders.
|
|
ok, so it was just last night that I had my first slow dance ever. & it was with just who i wanted it to be with, my crush. & he knows i like him, most people say it was a bad idea telling him, but i think its good, we talk way more now!!.. but anyways, we danced to this song that was like "you cant tell me its not worth fightin for" & I thought it was sooo true in my case. but anyways, the whole time we were dancing he was talking to this other girl, who is way skinnier & prettier than me :( & I felt soo bad because I was just thinking, "whats the point on dancing with him. its just breaking my heart more.. does he even care how i feel?" & when the song ended, ((luckily it was the 2nd to last song of the night)) I just sat on the wall & cried, because, it broke my heart more dancing with him but still knowing that I can never have him! what should I do?! I want to be with him so bad, but it seems like he doesnt care that much. I cant let him go, & I dont want to. I want to hang out with him, & get to be better friends, but I dont know how! please please please help!! (link)
|
Oh man. Your first slow dance ever and with your "dream guy," and it didn't work out the way you had fantasized. I'm really sorry that happend. I know it must have felt like the pits and I'm so sorry that you ended up crying your eyes out. ¡Pobresita! I feel for you, but believe me, we've all gone through something similar if not the exact thing. It may have felt like the end of the world, but it wasn't. Read on:
I don't know if this guy was just being rude, or if he was being rude (he probably had no idea he was being this way) and he's the type of guy who just chats it up with all sorts of people any chance he gets. He's either a guy who doesn't get too serious with anyone; tries to pretend like he's maybe serious about too many girls; or, he just doesn't get into slow dancing like you do. (A lot of girls find slow dancing way more romantic than guys. And some guys get a little scared of that romantic notion. They don't know how to act.) Whatever the case, he was insensitive to you whoever you are to him. But especially since you told him that you like him, he was even more insensitive. Though, again, he may not have even realized that. He could just be the type of person who doesn't get all that serious and likes to just have fun whenever he's around a lot of people.
Please, please don't get into comparing your looks to other girls (or women, later in your life). I'm sure you're just beautiful and you sound like a sweetheart. You really have no idea why he was talking to this other girl. But if she was dancing with someone, then I doubt that he was flirting with her while he was dancing with you and she was dancing with someone else. That would be pretty stupid.
Why do you think he danced with you to begin with? I'd think about that. My guess is that he wouldn't have danced with you if he wasn't interested in you in some way. OK, maybe as a friend, but knowing that you like him, I'd bet he was thinking of you as maybe more than a friend. Most guys don't dance with just anyone.
It sounds as though you are wearing your feelings on your sleeve right now - feeling vulnerable because you told him somethng so special and personal. Because of that (and it is very understandable to feel that way especially if people are telling you you shouldn't have told him anything), then I think you may be taking things a little too personally and misreading him. You say that ever since you told him that you like him you guys have been talking a lot more. That's great. So, you two are talking more AND you danced together. Wow! Both of those things are good indicators that he probably likes you too.
Try not to read into things so much and just go with the flow right now if you can. That means that you might want to take it a little easier and slow down a bit. Don't talk about how much you like him to all sorts of people. He may find that scary eventually and not know what to do. Give him some space and just see where things lead. Do NOT ignore him to give him space. Just don't crowd him if you know what I mean. Try not to be clingy.
If for some reason this guy is the type of guy to flirt with all sorts of girls and doesn't commit to any relationship, or he doesn't seem to be giving you the respect you deserve, then you will need to work on doing what you said you can't and don't want to do: let go. As hard as that sounds, you CAN do it and it may be the best thing for you so that you don't feel hurt all the time. But I would suggest that you not write this relationship off just yet. Get to know him better and CONTINUE talking to him like you guys have been doing. Don't bring up the dance and simply act like all is well between the two of you because I'm betting all IS well. Don't push him away by acting jealous and hurt. You guys have barely started anything and I think you need to relax and enjoy this friendship that may indeed turn into something more.
I'm sorry you felt so bad and that you're feeling a little desperate right now. But take a deep breath, try not to assume anything, get to know this guy better, and don't give up yet! Keep your chin held high and show some dignity by trying to gather up some self-esteem. You did nothing wrong by telling him that you like him. I bet he thinks you're sweet for telling him that. Just continue being your sweet self. You'll be okay, I promise. Good luck. You never know what may happen...
|
I am 19 years old and my ex-boyfriend is 20. We were together for 2.5 years before I broke up with him. I broke up with him because I had been trying to fix the problems in the relationship, but nothing seemed to be improving. I ended up cheating on him, and that made me realize that something was missing in our relationship that I needed.
Well in the two months that I left him, the guy I cheated on him with, who I had thought was so great, ended up being a liar and breaking my heart. The next guy I was with ended up raping me. Then my family and friends turned on me. Then I lost my job. The one person that has been helping me through this is my ex-boyfriend.
He tried winning me over while we were broken up, but I resisted. Once my life turned to crap, and I realized how good he was to me, I wanted him back too. But that same day, he found out about the cheating, so now we are still broken up. He forgave me for cheating, but he says he needs some time to myself, which I understand. We still see each other every week or so, and so now we are in a friends with benefits sort of relationship. Neither of us is interested in seeing other people, we're just not officially going out.
But today he called me and said that he might be going back home, going off to Europe, in a half a year or so. He doesn't know what he's going to do exactly. He might stay here or he might go. It's so hard waiting for him to come back to me now, so I can't imagine us getting back together and me getting used to having him around all the time again, then having to deal with him being gone for 6 months or longer. He promised me that if he left, he would come back here for me, but I don't know if I can live with that burden.
It's so hard to deal with. If I hadn't gone through all this trauma, I think I'd probably be thinking about this differently. But he is seriously the only person in my life who I deeply love and care for. He loves me deeply as well. The only thing is, is love enough? We both love each other, but I don't think we're "in love." But after dealing with such horrible people, I can not imagine me ever looking at anyone else. He is the person I trust to be with me through thick in thin, despite of our petty relationship problems. Is it so bad to be with someone for security, companionship, familiarity, and not because you're "in love?" He has done 10x more for me than anyone else in my life. (link)
|
First of all, I want to address your horrible experience of being raped. Have you received any counseling for this assualt? If not, then I strongly encourage you to do so. One can not just push something like that into the background and hope that it won't affect any future relationships. You may feel like you've gotten over it...for now...but the memories of a rape can creep up on you when you least expect them to. I know. I've been there. And, I am so terribly sorry that you had that happen to you. I so want you to get some kind of counseling so that you can truly deal with the emotions you might very well be holding in. I can't help but think that you might be doing this since you barely brushed on that subject in your description of what has gone on in your life recently.
When you were together you said that you were "trying to fix the problems in the relationship." Were you the main one, or the only one, who was working on the problems in your relationship. You can't "fix" a relationship all by yourself. And, you certainly can't try to change the other person. You can help them change IF they are willing and wanting to change. The fact that you had an affair while you were still with your boyfriend concerns me because you obviously weren't satisfied with what you two had. You mentioned this yourself and I think you were very insightful to realize this. It seems as though it has been because of and since your tumultuous traumas that you are feeling the need to have this man back in your life. There are certainly people who come into our lives who are angels, so to speak, and who will be there for you through thick and thin, but they may not necessarily be the one you should or want to spend the rest of your life with in an intimate relationship. That kind of person can either be your life partner, depending on many other circumstances, or he/she can be a life-long friend. I would encourage you not to make any long term decisions right now about this man. You say at the end of your letter that the relationship problems are "petty." But are they really? You left him before because of these problems and people do not usually leave relationships due to "petty" problems. The fact that you originally mentioned that you left the relationship (you did when you first decided to have an affair) because problems were not being resolved is something I think you definitely need to keep in mind.
It sounds as though you two more than likely really love and respect one another, but friends can do that as well. True friends are there for each other through "thick and thin." Allow him to be that friend to you now, but I would not fall into a relationship other than that until you deal with your inner self and all that has happened to you. I feel that you must trust yourself and get to know yourself enough so that you truly know what you NEED in a relationship. You two have been together since you were 16.5 years old. You were pretty young to be in a long-lasting relationship, though that doesn't mean that it couldn't work just because of your young age at the beginning of the relationship. The reason why I mention it is because you may be completely reliant on one another without having had GOOD and different experiences in your lives that help all of us 1) get to know ourselves better, and 2) to know what we need, want and expect in a relationship.
The love you two have for each other may indeed evolve into a deep and soulful relationship but I would tend to think that you guys need time to explore that without having to comfort one another because of horrid circumstances. Those horrid circumstances and the memories of them will abate and then how will the relationship truly survive? That is a question you may not be able to answer right now and I would caution you to realize that and not go too far in what you think you SHOULD do or how you SHOULD be feeling. Security, companionship and familiarity are definitely things you want to look for in a relationship, but you also need to have a deep and true love with an emotional commitment to one another that includes working on problems in the relationship together and trusting one another.
Perhaps it is meant to be that he will be going back to Europe for a while. I would think that some distance between you two right about now might be very good for both of you. You should be able to step back from the situation that has grown now in the way that it has grown, and really analyze your feelings. Getting counseling now and during his absence will surely do you a world of good and again, I highly encourage you to go for it. Be the best of friends now, appreciate the comraderie you have and the specialness of your friendship, but tread slowly and perhaps you'll be able to deal with his absence a little better. Though it may be hard to have him so far away, you two will still be able to communicate frequently with one another. Truly try to think of his time away as something that you both need and is healthy for right now with all the baggage you still have left over from before your "life turned to crap." Learn to rely on yourself and to trust yourself for the emotional strength that we all need to help us survive in this world. Having someone there to be right beside us is wonderful, but it won't work for long until we learn how to know and appreciate ourselves. It also won't work until we know exactly what we want in our lives...and what we need. And we can't honestly know that until we work very hard at getting to the inner self of our beings. And in your case, because of what all you've been through, you need more than anything to have the opportunity to heal your inner self AND then to know and love it as well.
I wish you all the best with this situation. I know it's not easy, but I think that you are trying very hard to look at things in a mature and intellectual way. And as I said before, I believe that you're quite insightful. Just learn to listen to that insightfulness and follow what it is telling you.
|
Why would it upset a guy that you're just dating (not living with or sharing any expenses) that you finally found a good job at that you're happy with? I have my own appartment and my bf has his own place. He has a very good paying job in the oil rig camp but with crazy hours. When I told him how much fun I was having at my new part time job he was acting really strange, like he wasnt happy for me. This was really weird because he used to be upset when I was unemployed and encouraged me to find employement. I almost got the feeling that he was even jealous? Or maybe it was my imagination.
Anyways, now he hasnt talked to me in several weeks. What do you think is his problem? (link)
|
I have to wonder if your boyfriend is happy in his job. It may be well-paying, but he could hate it just the same. Perhaps your extreme happiness with your new job makes him feel envious that he doesn't have that kind of feeling for his job. However, why he'd take that out on you is anyone's guess. You say that he has "crazy hours." Do your hours conflict with his? Do you get the impression that he feels that you two don't have much time for each other anymore? Have you ever noticed if he's the type of guy who might be fearful of losing your relationship if you developed other friendships? How did he act towards your other feelings of happiness in the past - about anything? Do you think that he felt more in control of the relationship when he was telling you that you needed to get a job? Were you always depressed when you weren't working and he "took care of you," so that now he feels like he isn't needed any longer?
When you were unemployed, why was HE upset? Was that because you were upset and he didn't like seeing you that way? Or, did he think that you needed to get out more? Was he afraid that he'd feel obligated to support you financially without work?
I know that I'VE asked a lot of questions, but I'm trying to get you to look at this in different ways and try to look back over your relationship with this guy to see if you saw any signs before now that he'd act like this. Maybe you didn't and this truly came out of the blue. I can't help but wonder what really is going on with this guy since 1) he didn't act at all supportive of your present happiness with this job, and 2) he hasn't called you in several weeks. I'd have to wonder what in the world is keeping him at such a distance.
I would certainly take the bull by the horns and call this guy and ask him what is going on and why you haven't heard from him. Ask him if something was going on in his life that was unpleasant the last time you saw him because he didn't seem very pleased with the news you were sharing with him. If he says nothing was bothering him in particular, get straight to the point and ask him if your new job and how you feel about it are causing him grief in some way, and if so, why. Tell him that you credit him for his support and encouragement when you needed to go out and find a job. You did and now you're happy.
If he doesn't open up with you and he continues to act weird, then I'd say you might want to consider moving on...without him...because you don't need someone pouting or acting out his possible jealousy while you are building a new life with new co-workers/friends and you're excited about doing so. You need someone who can be happy with and for you.
I hope you can find out what is going on with this guy. But if he doesn't come around with his attitude, then I say you definitely deserve someone who will respect your choices and the fact that you can and are making new friends and enjoying your job. I wish you luck!
|
|
alright well theres this guy and I've always had a little thing for him.. I'm always going to have feelins for this guy but alright it seems like im his back up..well hes screwed me over about 3 times like he wil ltell me all this stuff like " I like you sooo much you have no idea" "I'm serious this time" all that kinda stuff..then in school he wont talk to me and i don't know its weird..and well the past 3 times he does the same thing then about 3 weeks ago he did it again and then the next day at school he didnt talk to me and that night he never called me and called his ex and was like "I Want you back I like you so much" and shes my bestfriend..its so complicated..but see now the past week and a half it started all over..now hes doing it all again except this time i dont know whether 2 believe him because I don't want to get hurt again..like all the other times before i dont think he ever really liked me.. i mean his reputation is like he likes 5 girls at a time and he tells u what you wanna hear but its not true and stuff..but this time i dont know it seems like it might be different i mean all his friends are like do you like him do you like him..he calls me everyday we're on the phone for awhile everynight..and i dont know what to believe..i dont want to take the risk of getting hurt again but i like him soo much and i mean i guess i just WISH everything hes saying is true..like idk its happened around 4 times how he would be like I Like you soo much babe im serious this time..think about it..and everything and then he doesnt talk to me in school the next day and the next night doesnt even call me and calls other girls and tells them the exact samee thing..but this week and a half he has talked to me in school and isnt really saying it to other girls..and like all the other times before my friends would be like you like her? because he would always tell me he liked me and he would tell my friends no and eveyrthing like that..and see hes telling my bestfriend (not his ex) that hes trying to change and everything..but i dont know..please help with any advice you have..it would be so much..i know its confusing..and theres way more to the story but yeah..thanks so much!!! (link)
|
I don't know how young you guys are, but this fellow seems like he's already a player. I don't like what he's putting you through, nor do I like what he's obviously putting other girls through. Actually sweetie, he sounds like a jerk. OK, we all like jerks at one time or another in our lives - even women go through this. As I said to one other questioner, there is an old saying that goes like this, "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me." That means that you've been allowing yourself to get burned over and over again by this guy and I would have to ask myself why? It sure sounds like you like something about this guy, but by now, aren't you getting tired of his games? It sounds as though you've made yourself available to him whenever he decides he wants to come crawling back to you. That then allows him to continue doing to you what he's been doing because he knows you'll take him back no matter what.
I know you said that this time feels different to you and that his friends are asking you if you like him or not - I'm guessing they haven't done this in the past? - but think real hard, and ask yourself if this really, really is different than how it has been in the past. OK, so his guy friends are approaching you this time and that may give you hope. I can understand that. And, he says he's changing. That's unfortunately a great line to give to girls when a guy is trying to get in good favor with them. I personally don't think he's had much time TO change. Sounds to me like he needs a few years to go before he can honestly change his ways.
I think you're putting yourself in a terribly emotionally draining situation by even considering this guy to be in your life anymore. Try to be the one who makes the mature choice to have this merry-go-round stop! Surely there are other guys out there who would be much more fun to be with, you wouldn't be on an emotional roller coaster all the time, you wouldn't have to worry if he's already got his eye on another girl, etc. As I've said before to others, if you keep yourself tied to this guy in whatever way, you're closing the door to allowing other, sweet, kind guys in your life. Guys who will respect you and not play head games with you.
So for now, I'd distance myself from this guy. If you're really, really stuck on him, at least make yourself unavailable for a while (a good while!) and see how things go. You may find that you discover someone else more deserving of you to put your energy into, and that you really don't like this guy as much as you think you do. You also may force his hand, in that he will be so stunned that you are not available to him just because he's come back, that it will help him try to truly change. But beware. As I said above, I am betting this guy is NOT ready to change, no matter what YOU do. YOU can't make anyone change, so don't even spend you're energy trying. Why would he want to change right now when all the girls he's hopping around with keep accepting him back into their lives?!
You deserve A LOT better and a good guy is out there for you. Allow yourself to experience being treated well. Don't fall into a rut that is so difficult to get out of. I wish you luck and I am hoping that you open that door to someone else. Let me know how things end up. I'm guessing you'll make the healthy and right decision if you really think about how you're being treated - which is very badly. And that stinks!
|
|
Hey, me and my boyfriend have just started making out and having dry sex. I think he gets more out of dry sex than I do, and I would like to know how to make it better for me. Also, how do you make kissing more fun, and feel a lot better? (link)
|
Hi. I wish I knew your age, but I'm going to try this anyway, not knowing a thing. First of all, I want to give you a site to learn a little more about "dry sex." This is a very interesting site and you may find out info that you weren't aware of before.
http://www.scarleteen.com/reproduction/preg_risk_dry.html
Before I tell you some things you could do to make your making out a little more exciting for yourself, I do want to ask you to try to be as careful as possible with dry sex because there are ways of doing it that can pass sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), and a girl can actually become pregnant with this kind of sex, though it's not as easy, of course, as if you were having vaginal intercourse. You'll be able to read more about this on the site I've given you.
OK, now that I've said all that, let me ask you some questions. Is your boyfirend trying to make sure that you are enjoying the dry sex as much as he is? Or, is he thinking, like too many guys do, that you're enjoying it no matter what's going on because, well, women are supposed to enjoy sex? If he's trying different things with you and you're still not getting much pleasure out of it, then maybe you can suggest things to him that you might like (that's really all right and it's better to do it anyway so the guy doesn't have to guess). Are you guys doing this with your clothes on, partly on, or all the way off? Having your clothes on can add an element of excitement because of the guessing and wondering what's under the clothes. One can also find that feeling under the clothes is exciting. Make sure that you're able to rub yourself (preferrably with clothes on) on him - for example, you can sit on a leg and rub yourself on the leg and he can then touch you in various "hot" spots that, with experimenting, you'll know what they are. The key here is to try to please each other and not allow the guy to just rub himself against you for his sole pleasure. Also, are you guys thinking that oral sex is dry sex? Because, well it's not exactly. If you're doing that, then I'd say you've really got to be careful about STDs AND whether or not your guy is trying to give you pleasure and he doesn't think this is all for him.
Whatever kind of sex you guys are doing, please make sure that there is some kind of emotional commitment between you and that you're not feeling pressured to do this. Know as much as you can about both intercourse and dry sex and ask yourself if this is really what you want or need to be doing right now. You may have a lot of friends doing this, but you don't need to feel like you have to because there is plenty of time for this in your dating life.
OK, about the kissing: To make it more interesting and fun, you want to vary the intensity, tempo and duration of your kisses. Having a clear emotional connection with each other, respect for one another, and a friendship help in feeling the passion of a kiss. You can experiment with closing your eyes and opening them while kissing. Sometimes when two people are kissing and their eyes are open, looking into each other's eyes is very romantic and sexy. You can have exciting non-French kissing, by opening your mouth slightly, gently putting your lips over his, and moving your mouth in a soft circular motion. Ask him to do this with you too. Neither of you should dart your tongues in strong, hard ways into the other's mouth. Go slowly and sensually. You can flick the tips of your tongues together, rotate your tongues in circular motions, take turns leading the kiss, and don't force your tongues down the other person's throat (!). Kissing one another on the neck, cheeks, chin, eyelids is also a very loving and sensuous way to kiss. Bottom line is that this is a TWO way thing and you guys need to experiment with it so that you're getting pleasure as well. If you have to take the lead, then do, so he can then hopefully follow by doing some of the same things you did to him with your kisses. If he doesn't, then ask him to do so.
Again, I don't mean to sound like I'm lecturing you, but please be careful with all of this. Even really sensual kissing can lead to things you might not have planned. Dry sex can lead to regular sex before you know it. If you guys are already doing this stuff, then there's probably nothing I can say to get you to stop, take a look at what you're doing, and re-think the situation. So, since you're already trying this, then please know as much as you can and take precautions. By the way, the site I gave you even recommends that the guy wear a condom during dry sex because of the things that can happen during that kind of sex.
I hope that I've helped you with your questions. And I'm sorry if it seemed confusing because some of what I said surely sounded as though I was trying to convince you out of doing this stuff while at the same time helping you know more how to get pleasure. I have to be honest when I say that I get concerned about teems (assuming you are one) experimenting with any kind of sexual behavior, but since I know it goes on, then I just ask that you're careful. Now, hopefully you'll be able to get a little more pleasure out of what the two of you have already mutually decided is what you want to do.
|
|
How would you/What's the best way respond to that question? (link)
|
"Where do we stand?" usually implies that the person asking it does not know for sure where a relationshp is going or how it is viewed by the other person. And that is, of course, if the questioner is asking about a relationship. Other times, people making plans together will sometimes ask that question at the end of the discussion to make sure that all is set and that each person is in sync with one another.
Mostly though, and again, I've heard it more often used in reference to wondering where a relationship is going, e.g., "How is our relationship and what are your thoughts on it at this point?"
Oh yes, and it can also be used when someone is trying to figure out what exactly is happening in any particular situation, e.g., "Where do we stand on the evacuation of our troops from Iraq?"
|
I was really upset about something a guy friend (or so I thought) did to me.
Well I have a mental illness (schizophrenia) and am on a small disablility pension. I don't just sit around on my ass, I volunteer at the food bank and other places to keep me busy.
Well I went to visit my friend at his work one day. And all of a sudden, for no reason at all he starts saying the meanest things to me, like that I was living off the system and wasnt going to better my life. When I started crying and said he was being judgemental he said "you needed to hear this", in the meanest voice.
I havent been back to see him and he hasnt phoned to apologize. I even heard that he has been talking to his friends about me spazzing out.
Why he is being so mean? Do I have a right to be upset or am I overeacting? And should I even give him a second chance? (link)
|
This guy absolutely does NOT sound like a friend to me. Too many people don't understand the reasoning behind Disability benefits, but MOST of those people don't go around saying ugly and mean things about people who desperately need this kind of help. The "system" was designed especially for people like you and thank God this sort of help is available or we'd have more homeless people wandering around aimlessly than we already do. Many of those people have mental illnesses and were not able to get help from the "system" for one reason or another and it's really an injustice.
The other thing is that he obviously does not know or understand anything about schizophrenia. But that doesn't really matter. What DOES matter is that he's making fun of your illness and that is so not what a friend does! I don't care if he doesn't know a thing about your illness, he has no business trashing you or your illness to anyone. What a royal jerk.
Unfortunately, too many people think that everyone who gets help from the government is cheating the government and yes, there are those who do. But, there are so many people who truly need help from the government and there is no shame in that at all. Perhaps he doesn't understand that you're getting disability but you're able to so some kind of work, i.e., volunteering. He obviously does not understand that many people on disability are able to work, but not the length of hours, or the type of work others do. Some days are great, and some days are horrible. Being able to work is not a consistent and reliable thing for most people with disabilities. Sounds like he thinks you're on a free ride and he's probably jealous, no matter how misguided he is. And believe me, this guy IS misguided in oh so many ways.
Stay away from this guy. You don't need him. You don't need the stress of having him in your life. You're dealing with enough as it is. I wish you much luck and hope that you're able to be happy and content with whatever you need and decide to do. Congratulations on getting disability benefits! It can be one rough process to go through and it doesn't always work out for the people who really, really need it. I'm very happy that you were approved for these benefits! You obviously need them and hooray for the "system" in seeing that!
|
|
hi, im just trying to find any information on maori grants , for starting small business etc, can you help (link)
|
I'm guessing you live in New Zealand? It seems that all the sites about Maori grants are located out of New Zealand. Anyhow, here is a site that might be helpful. If you're unable to click on it, copy and paste it in your browser and it will take you directly to the site. Good luck with your new business!
www.maori.org.nz/papa_panui/
links_showall.asp?cat_id=87&parent_id=4&parent_name=Education&sub...
- 32k -
|
I have been given a birth date for my baby of 27 june 2006...Unfortunately I am not sure who the father might be,.....I know I had sex on 30th September 2005 and although we used condoms, on the second occasion it slipped off and remained inside my vagina for a while....my cycle has been about 26 days and I am aged 47...is it at all possible this baby was concieved on the 30 Sept 2005..? I am not really that sure of the first day of my last period..... thank you (link)
| |
If I understand your question right, it seems in all likelihood that you did conceive on the 30th of September. June 27th would be nine months from that time. I don't think it matters when the first day of your last period was. For instance, if you're thinking you had a period after the 30th of September, it's not all that unusual to have a period or two shortly after you've conceived. I hope I answered the question you were asking.
|
|
if an atheist lived an honest life according to his own morals, which were parallel to "god's law" would he be condemned to hell? because the bible seem to condamn all who does not believe in jesus and god to this hell. there fore if all one need to do was to believe to get into heaven, then why bother the pious behavior? similarly if pious behavior without faith earns one hell, then is this judgement really fair? (link)
|
A comment first about a suggestion from another advicenator: If you are interested in the Seven Laws of B'nai Noach (or B'nai Noah) be prepared to read about God-fearing people. However, the 7 laws are very fascinating and not something to disregard, because they give good guidance for a morally good existence.
I personally do not believe in hell (neither does my father, a Christian minister, which is rather unusual). Now, many people do NOT agree with me and I understand that, but I refuse to believe that an all-loving, all-forgiving God has created anything such as a "hell."
Also, one does not have to believe in Jesus to believe in a God. That would only mean that your religious beliefs would be based in a non-Christian faith. Too many Christians believe that those who are not Christian are condemned to hell. Why? Christianity can not surely be the only religion that has a special connection to God. There are many other faiths that believe in God, or a God, and surely they cannot be condemned to hell, making Christianity the only faith God will accept. Christianity is unfortunately too often a very arrogant faith - or at least many Christians are narrow-minded and arrogant about their faith.
Now, about atheism: I feel that if one lives a life of goodness, moral consciousness, free-giving love, and the desire to make the world a better place, then that person is indeed acting on what God-believers believe is the essence of God. I also believe that we are all given the opportunity one day to see what is truly the "law" of the Universe and the creator of the Universe. I don't believe we are given the one chance while we exist on Earth. Perhaps atheists would not agree with me, but since I do believe in a God, I feel that there will be lessons taught throughout our lives and after. Buddhists are not atheists, but their way of thinking and living is very different from Christianity and many other religions. You might want to read some about them and you may find that their beliefs are something that are of interest to you.
So, from me, I say, fear not. I don't believe that an atheist is "condemned" to hell. But because I do believe in God, I would encourage you to not give up on the search for whatever is the truth. And for you, the truth may actually be solely in what you believe your soul is made of.
|
|
ok usually my 3 best friends are very easy to shop for around xmas but this year we decided that since every1 calls us the most countriest gurls they've met we decided to go with something along the idea of "redneck" any ideas?!? im realy stuck on this! i rate high thanks!! (link)
|
I suppose it depends on how much money you guys want to spend. Cowboy hats are wonderful, but they're pretty expensive. Bandanas are fun and can be worn to look very country-western. Another idea that wouldn't be too expensive, is to have T-shirts made up with a great design that either you choose at the T-shirt shop or that you can come up with yourself. If you don't want to put a design on the T-shirt, you could always have something clever written on it, or just have what the other kids say, blazoned across the front or back. Something like: The Countriest Babes (or Girls) You'll Ever Meet!, or Country Girls (or Redneck Girls) Rule!
Have fun and good luck!
|
|
they say the proof of gods existance is within the bible, but the reason i should believe the bible is because god said it. in other words, i should believe god is real if he said these things. that is like believeing someone who says they are honest, because they told you so. what do you think (link)
|
The existence of God is taken for granted in the Bible. There is nothing in the Bible that proves or disproves His existence. One must remember that the Bible was written by man and that man creates stories from experieces, thoughts, arguments, etc. All of these things are not necessarily the Truth, yet there is probably some truth in what these men were trying to convey. Mostly, there is the idea of a God and stories that surround His existence. It is quite reasonable to question things within the Bible. The Bible is great literature, but do not forget that it is literature and that through the years it has just been taken for granted that these recordings are true. But how much so, is the question. There is no reason to put all of your faith into words in a book or what someone else tells you is "right." But the idea behind faith is that we can believe that there is this almighty presence who is there for us and who guides us through our own connection to this presence.
I believe that proof of a Creator's existence is all around us...and within ourselves. As you know, that Creator is referred to as God, or other names in other religions, all pointing to the same God, contrary to what many might believe. I believe that we all have an extraordinary connection with each other and all things within the Universe. Someone created us and all that is around us. Someone gave us the will, the strength, the love that is within our souls. We then hopefully act upon those gifts and encourage their growth...or not.
One idea of faith is believing that there is someone to whom we can turn to in times of turmoil as well as times of great joy. Believing in a Being such as God, viewed as the perfect, omnipotent creator of the universe, is the main object of faith. The force, effect, or manifestation within ourselves of this Being which creates our moral consciousness and supposedly gives us a purpose can only be explained on the supposition of (presuming there is) the existence of God. We can believe that we are never alone and that there is guidance offered to us if we listen closely to our inner selves, which is a part of what people believe God has offered us.
You are right in that how do you know that someone is honest just because he or she tells you it is so. I believe it is the same way with the Bible. There are assumptions that people make about the existence of God because of what is written in the Bible. And, it is normal and healthy to question what others are telling you is fact, written in an extraordinary piece of literature.
If you look all around you at all that has been created, with the beauty that rests in so much of those creations - including mankind - you may believe on your own, without a book or the words of others - that there is indeed a Being greater than ourselves. And for me, there is some comfort in that. I marvel at the uniqueness of the universe and every living thing that inhabits our universe. I hold onto a faith that there is a God who is there for all of us. But my faith comes from within me and from all that I see surrounding us, not a book, which yes, is indeed filled with fascinating, prophetic and philosophical writings. Many people would not agree with me, but that's okay. I've gone through many years of asking questions and wondering about the existence of a God. I believe though that my life and all that has happened in it - good and bad - prove to me, that there is a higher Being who is guiding me along some sort of path.
Don't ever stop questioning and theorizing in your own way. I feel that you will be a better person for what you learn as you open your mind, heart and eyes, and witness, read, and hear that which is all around you and within your very being.
|
f/15
so me and my best friend went to high school and we met up with one of our elementary friends and she became really close with her again and i felt like i was getting pushed out tho i was becoming friends just not as good with the other girl. So i told them both but gave more crap about it to my best friend and they say that they are making an effort but they still do it. So i was talking to my best friend today and she said that she went to the mall with just the other girl and they went christmas shopping and i got kinda upset when she mentioned that she didn't invite everyone else..cuz im her best friend and now shes makin it seem like we are nto as close..and i accidentally cussed her out i was so upset. What do i do now? i cant even get up the nerve to talk to her. (link)
|
Well, this is definitely a situation that happens often and is very unfortunate. I'm sorry that you're hurting and I certainly can understand why. I think most girls and women have gone through this at one time or another in their lives.
Jealousy is a natural reaction, but it eats away at one's self esteem and creates distance with those at whom our jealousy is aimed. I know it's hard to watch your best friend develop this close friendship with someone you're not as close to. However, as we grow, friendships DO change and people come into our lives and leave them - most often when it is time. I'm not saying that your best friend is ready to leave your life. I'm just saying that we need to look at the people who do come into our lives. There is always a reason. Sometimes, when the purpose of the union has been met, people part their ways. And, yes, that's difficult.
But for now, you don't need to assume that your best friend has abandoned you or is ready to part ways with you. It sounds as though you've tried talking to both girls who then tried to make an effort not to exclude you, though you said it hasn't seemed to really work out that way. However, it sounds as though you might have been a little tough on your best friend when you "gave more crap about it" to her. When you initially talked to these two (before you gave "crap" to your best friend) did you do it calmly, and honestly explain how you were feeling? Were you hurting so badly that you didn't give your best friend a chance to talk rationally with you? I know when you're hurting it is sometimes difficult to hold back and to not lash out. But of course, that tends to make people back away from you. They're not always sure how to react or respond.
It would have hurt me too if these two girls went shopping and hadn't invited me. But, from this experience, you could look at it as your friend needing a little space, or perhaps these two needed some bonding time which did not necessarily mean at all that they were meaning to ditch you as their friend. But it was insensitive of your best friend to tell you about this excursion which excluded you. I'm sure she didn't mean to be insensitive and was probably just sharing something with you and maybe didn't realize how much it would hurt you. Then your hurt turned to anger and you lashed out at her by cussing her out. OK, well that wasn't the best thing to do, as I know you realize now. I know it's hard to face people when you've acted out some sort of emotion that has come from hurt. You feel embarrassed and are still hurt. But, since this girl has been your best friend for so long, I would make every effort to talk to her and apologize for your outburst. Talk to her calmly and just express your feelings as honestly as possible. Tell her how hurt you are that she and this other girl are doing things and excluding you. Ask her if there is a particular reason this is happening. Listen to what she has to say and try to be as calm as you can. Tell her how much your friendship has meant to you and that you would like to have a friendship with this other girl, that you think it's great that the two of them get along so well, but you don't want to be excluded from events that you and your best friend always did together in the past. Also tell her that you still need private time with her, without this other girl. Ask her if she's willing to work through this with you.
If for some reason, your friend doesn't respond the way you'd like, then I suggest that you try to move on for now. Wow, losing friends is really tough, but it happens and you've just got to try to develop other friendships with people who will respect your needs and work with you on maintaining a good friendship. Just remember that no matter how upset you may get, you need to act as maturely and honestly as possible in order to continue to earn that respect. And of course, that goes for your friends as well. If they do not seem like they are acting in a way that you can respect or understand and they're not willing to work with you on the friendship, then you know that you must continue moving on...finding people who you can trust. Friendships can be difficult, but they are more apt to stay in tact if both parties work hard at communicating. This goes for any relationship.
I wish you well and hope that you're able to have a serious and loving conversation with your best friend. If she initially acts stand-offish when you approach her, give her a chance. Be patient. She may still be stinging from the cussing-out you gave her. Please try to work on controling your temper and realize that the anger is coming from hurt. Expressing the true feeling of hurt without slipping into anger can be so much more healthy for you and your relationships. I know. I've been working on this for a long time myself! Again, good luck. I bet you can salvage this friendship if you are patient, work hard, and are as honest as you can be.
|
Hi, I am Zehra! I am 13 years old and studing in class 9. I met this girl Aisha in Karachi Club while we were playin on the swing set at the age of 10. We soon became best friends. I met alot of people through her. All her friends soon became my friends. I left for australia. I was traveling alot. And i kept in touch completely. when i came back. I joined her school. We were on aright terms. Best friends ofcourse. It was all good. Till this summer. When she left. ANd she and her boyfriend Hamza broke up I was bestfriends with both so i concoled both. Hamza started playing with me. he asked me out. and i said no because he was aishas ex and i was her bestfriend. but i had feelinsg for him. It was a minor Crush. When she came back. we decided not to etll her that he asked me out or tht i liked him or anything. But he told her. She was not upset but things weer geting werid around us. I was there for her all the time when she needed me. 24/7 for 4 long years. She knew i was hurt about Hamza. She knew that he had played around too much with me because i wasnt the type who would understand then what was happening.
I was ok with her gettin back with him. But as soon as she did she had no time for me and i was really upset so i bitched about her to a couple of friends who all went and told her. It was a bad scene. We are in the same class. and even tho we are on hi hello terms. We are not best friends.
I am hapy about the fact that it has ended, because we were different. her priorities were different. and the way she use to be different around me when guys were around and the way hamza was her first priority was getting to me. I know it could not have ended if i hadnt bitched. We both wouldnt have let go. BUT now . the whole school is against me and bitches about me. No one is my *real* friend and i feel really bad. NOt about ending it but about bitching about her. I am having trust problems. and i dont no what to do about the guilty feeling i have inside me even though my paernts had always adviced me to not be friends with her. I had wanted to end it. And am happy it is over. but I dont know how to get over my guilty feeling.
what should i do? this is getting to me really bad.
Zehra (link)
|
OK, it's tough to lose a best friend. It hurts. Though you say you're happy that your best friend frienship ended, it sure doesn't sound like you are. For one thing, you titled your question: "I lost my best friend. I can't deal with it." That sounds as though you are really bumming because she's NOT your best friend anymore.
I think you know now that you committed a betrayal of your close friend by talking badly about her to others. I know you were hurt and angry, but that still shouldn't make you speak ill of a friend who's been with you for so long. Besides, it's never a good idea to speak ill of ANYONE. And, you've learned a hard lesson about how people view people who DO speak badly of others. They may initially get a "thrill" out of gossip and conflict, but then I believe they lose respect for the person who is blabbing whatever it is she or he is blabbering about! They also surely worry about whether or not you'll eventually turn against them if you're dissing your BEST friend!
It's okay to be attracted to another friend's boyfriend if you don't act on that attraction. It doesn't sound as though you did, which is very good for you. I know they had broken up, but it was still fresh and I think you handled that well. It's too bad her boyfriend had to say anything to her when in fact it doesn't sound as though anything happened. Still, from what you said, that wasn't a big problem. It sounds as though you might be a little jealous of her relationship with her boyfriend: 1) you like him and though you're okay with them being back together, you're probably just a little NOT okay with that; and 2) she spends a good deal of time with her boyfriend and you feel left out. I am not one to believe that girls or women should give up their female friends for guys, but I will tell you that it is very common to want to be with your guy as much as possible, especially when you're younger. You don't tend to look at it like you've ditched your girlfriends. You tend to think that your girlfriends will understand because hey, there's a boyfriend in your life and oh how cool! But please keep in mind that it's natural to feel "abandoned" by a friend who has a new boyrfriend/girlfriend especially if you don't have anyone special in your life at the time.
So here's what I suggest: You definitely need to apologize to Aisha about the things you said about her. Tell her that you were hurt and angry because she was always with Hamza and you felt left out of her life. Tell her that that isn't an excuse for what you did, because it isn't, but that you spoke without really thinking. Ask her if she can forgive you. THEN, talk to some of the people to whom you gossiped and apologize to them for having gotten into gossiping...about ANYONE. Tell them that you're embarrassed and very sorry. Then, try to move on in your life. You may not get Aisha back as a best friend, OR a friend, and there may still be some people who will not trust you entirely after this. But, you can try to regain the trust of the people around you by BEING trustworthy from now on. It may take some time, but you'll be trusted again, IF you work on showing people that they can indeed trust you. Take the high road here and work at being a little more mature about expressing your feelings. At thirteen, people make a lot of mistakes. Not only you, sweetie. Just learn from this and try to make some new friends AFTER you apologize to your old ones. I hope you and Aisha can at least work a few things out. Good luck!
|
|
i'm married to a wonderful man who likes to bear upon himself the burden of others. he sees it as a responsibility to help people who are financially in need. in fact, others are on top of his priority list. i'm not unhappy about this but what makes me unhappy is that people believe i'm equally wealthy and also approach me for assistance and most times i find it difficult to meet up to expectation. what do i do? (link)
|
You say that you're not unhappy with what your husband is doing, but you also say that "others are on top of his priority list." Do you mean that you don't feel like you or your marriage obligations/responsibilites are at the top of his priority list? I'm wondering if you respect and admire your husband for being so generous and kind, but that you feel frustrated because you feel that he doesn't take into account the needs you or your marriage may have - financial needs. Does he ever spend money on you? Does he buy you gifts, or does he feel like he needs to spend money on others all the time? If that's the case, I would find that hard to take a lot of the time. I, too, have always felt the need and desire to help others financially if I could. But I did not want to do it at the risk of ignoring my family's needs and desires. OK, so some desires are probably not necessary, but there is nothing wrong with wanting special things from time to time. I mention all of this though you didn't because I truly wonder if you're feeling a little left out, and that would be natural. If you are, please talk to your husband and tell him your feelings. Let him know how much you respect what he does, but that you need to be a included a little more with his generous nature, and give him examples.
Now, about the business of people coming to you for financial help: you say that "people believe [you are] equally wealthy." OK, is your husband wealthy and your finances are separate? I was a little confused by that statement. If you're really interested in helping these people who come to you, then would you be willing to send them to your husband or have your husband contact them? If you're hesitant about helping too many people - for whatever reasons - perhaps you need to look at that and not put it in the category that you find it difficult to meet their expectations. What is really going on in your mind and with your feelings, is what I'm trying to get at. I am NOT judging you for any feelings that you may have. A lot of times when we are connected to someone (a spouse, a parent) who constantly gives to others - in various ways, e.g., money, time, help, etc. - and leaves you feeling like you're on the backporch, it is a difficult thing to deal with and people often find themselves feeling very confused because they think the "generous" person is probably doing the "right" thing, but they sometimes resent the time, money, help, etc. their family member devotes to/on other people and that makes them feel guilty. Are you beginning to resent your husband just a little, and then feeling guilty about it? It would be natural if you did even if you think he's wonderful and kind.
So, you have two choices:
1) If your husband mainly deals with the financial end of your marriage, then send these folks to your husband if you truly are in agreement with your husband that it's okay to help anyone and everyone who comes to you guys for help (the money you guys have should be equally yours and his unless this guy has been wealthy for years for some reason and there was some sort of agreement between the two of you before you got married. If the money truly IS yours and his, then you should have a say as to how it is used).
2) If you are not in the position to financially help others, OR you are trying to draw a line somewhere, then you need to just kindly tell these people that no matter how much you'd like to help them, you are unable to do so and leave it at that. Do not feel like you owe anyone an explanation - you don't! If you want to help to a certain degree, then do what you can, and be firm about the fact that that is all you can do, and again, don't offer any explanations. Explanations usually invite others to continue the conversation or request because you've opened a door beyond the "simple" "No. I'm sorry, I can't," and folks will try to slip in through that door, continuing and elaborating further their own explanations for their needs and so on. You are then stuck with not knowing exactly what to say or do.
Bottom line, please talk to your husband about your feelings and your frustrations. I think you guys need to work this out together and hopefully you can look within yourself and see exactly what things you're really feeling here. And if it is truly a matter of your not having the finances to "meet up to expectation," then try to work with your husband as to the avenues you might take. Also, sounds like you may want to help people yourself, but that you have a skewed vision of what people "expect." Most people in need don't expect anything other than some sort of help and they are usually very grateful for whatever that is. Maybe the people in your life do have expectations and I'd ask myself, why. If it's because of your husband's known generosity, then yes, the ball needs to go back into his court.
Long answer, but I do suspect there is more going on here than what you wrote about. I grew up with a father who gave, and gave, and gave his time, money and help to others all of the time. He was absent a great deal because of this. His priorities did not exactly seem right, but his "work" did, so when we kids felt left out, we also felt guilty.
|
|
My mom is in her late 40's. Well anyway. I like the band Green Day. And she doesn't. She's more into the Old Country type of music. I like the color black. My mom won't buy me black and says "It Looks Like Something A Devil Worshiper Would Wear!" and Refuses to buy me Green Day Things like for example I wanted and still want this really pretty Green Day Hoodie. It was black or Gray (Can't Remember) and it just had "Green Day" on the front of it and I asked her if I could get it instead off the OCC Hoodie. And She said No. What is Wrong With her. She got mad at me because We have a new phone number and someone called that she didnt know and I didn't either and automatically assumed it was me! So? (link)
|
RESPONSE TO YOUR FEEDBACK:
I'm hoping that you'll see this additional response that I'm giving you after having read your feedback comments (which I've included below). Thanks for giving them to me. It helps to know a little more about your situation though I still don't know a lot. Please just bear with me, okay?
I liked black eye liner when I was younger too (still do, sometimes), but I didn't wear it until I was a little older. I still don't know how old you are. I guess it depends on HOW you're wearing the black eye liner. If it's really thick and makes your eyes look raccoon-ish, this could cause your mom some grief. Look at the male singer Marilyn Mason and his black eye liner, for instance. Do you wear it in a similar way, even if it's toned down? Are you sort of going for the Goth look? Sometimes this look is scary for parents and they're confused by it and what it means.
I don't blame you for not wanting to look and be like your sister. When we were younger, my sister and I were WAY different. She was much more conservative with how she dressed and with her make-up and how she acted than I was. MY parents had a more difficult time understanding me in that regard. But we lived through it and I tried to compromise with my folks as far as what they wanted and what I wanted. You don't need to be like your sister, but since she is the older one, your mom may in fact be completely surprised and confused as to why you're so completely opposite from her first born. That's kind of natural, even if it feels unfair.
No matter how you're feeling right now, please don't block your mom from your life. I think you'll regret doing that and it will make your situation only worse. She will really begin to wonder even more what you're up to and whether or not she's "lost" you. Who knows how she will react then? If I were your parent, it would scare me and I'd be completely frustrated and at a loss as to how to get you back to me. I would work hard at trying to talk with you, but if you shut a Mom out, she may find that very difficult, and even hurtful (though she may not be able to admit this). And, if she's prone to anger, you may get reactions that you hate more than now. What purpose would that serve either of you?
You say that your mom is acting very strange around you these days. OK, maybe she IS going through menopause, but usually a woman doesn't act strange to just one person if she's having a rough go of things. You'd see the same attitude with others and it doesn't sound like you're witnessing that. So, I have a question for you? Are YOU acting any differently towards her these days? Again, how old are you? I ask this because we all go through very drastic changes as we grow up. Maybe you're not even aware that you're acting differently because you see it as trying to come into your own - be your own self, break away from the "little girl" image, express yourself, or even just rebel against anything your mom believes because you feel like that's the only way you can 'be yourself." All of those things are very common and cause parents to almost pull their hair out because they're at such a loss as to how to understand this "new" you. So again, are you acting a lot different from how you were only just a little while ago? Are you still going to her in confidence or have you already chosen to back off from that kind of relationship with your mom. Since I obviously don't know your mom, I have no idea how difficult it has ever been to communicate with and confide in her.
Though I do know a lot of people who like Green Day, like I said before, I can't help but wonder if the Parental Discretion/Warning label that goes along with their music has something to do with how she is reacting about this group (there ARE some pretty heavy duty messages and certain kinds of words that offend some people...and scare some parents). How about a suggestion: ask your mom if she's willing to compromise with you. Tell her that since you really like Green Day and she doesn't, that you'll agree to listen to some other bands that are popular now, with music that you like, and that your mother will approve, if she allows you to listen to Green Day from time to time. She may be so adamantly against Green Day that she won't go for this, but try it anyway.
Unfortunately, as we grow up in the households of our parents, we do have to abide by some, or most, of their rules. It may not seem fair, but they are trying to teach you their values and then when you are older and out on your own, you'll have different perspectives on the values and ideas that are out there and YOU can make your own choices. Know that this phase you guys are going through will NOT last forever. So, as you're trying to get HER to change her attitudes and ideas, maybe you can try to change some of yours...for now. Again, see if compromising might work.
As far as not allowing you to go to ballgames, I wonder...sigh, once again...how old you are. What are her reasons for not allowing you to go to these games? You say that you mostly stay "locked up" in your room. Does she not allow you to go out with your friends? Does she allow you to date? All of these things have so much to do with the age of a child. Maybe you're feeling like you're too old now for her to forbid you to do some of these things you'd like to do. Is she afraid of what might go on with the boys? If she hasn't said so, I'd still have to wonder if this is a concern of hers. And, in reality it is a concern of many parents - what young people are doing these days. (It was a concern of our parents back when we were growing up, as I mentioned before.) Have you tried to do things with your friends, setting up communication plans with your mother and agreements on what you are and are not allowed to do? Have you tried this and didn't follow what the two of you had agreed upon? Knowing the answers to some of these questions would certainly help me in helping you. Realizing the answers to these questions would perhaps help YOU to think long and hard how the relationship with your mom got to this point. Be as honest with yourself as you can. When exactly did all of this start and do you remember what set off this turn of events?
Try to be patient with all that you surely want to do. Things will come at the right time and when you're ready...really ready. Your mom may just be trying to make sure you ARE ready to deal with a lot of the decisions you make and the results of those decisions. Maybe she's not doing it in the calmest of fashions or in a way that you like and I'm sorry. But try to be patient with her too. And, don't hesitate to ask HER to be patient with you and your teenage phases.
Obviously I'm still promoting the idea of communication even though you said in this feedback comment that you sat down and tried to talk to her and it didn't work out. Go over in your head exactly how you two communicated with each other and see if you can't try to approach her in a different way. She may actually appreciate that and try to communicate in a different way with you.
Again, good luck. I KNOW this is a terribly tough time for you and you're feeling frustrated and held back. But all will smooth out as you continue to work on this and as you show your mom exactly the kind of person you are and that she doesn't need to worry about you as much anymore - something very hard for parents to do. OK, try to keep me informed. I'm hoping you guys can come to some sort of arrangement about how you feel about each other. Please remember that your mom loves you and is most likely afraid of what's out there in our society today. She just wants to keep you safe. But, you need to show her - by compromises and honesty - that you'll be okay and you'll use good judgment about whatever comes your way.
==========
Thanks SOOO Much! My mom was talking about how I would wear black eye liner. But I have always wore make up. Now on the other hand my sister (28) was always pink, white, blue's and so on in clothes. But I don't want to be like her. You can't tell my mom anything. I just feel like I want to block her out of my life and do my own thing. And the truth is that I have been sooo much happier that I can choose what I* want to wear. Not what she wanted me to wear. She never lets me go to ballgames. I usually stay locked up in my room. She just doesn't understand me. I had a talk with her last night and she was like "There are PLENTY more Bands out there than that Green Day!!" and I said "I know. I just like that band better." and she was like "Well I don't want you listing to it!" and I said "I am going to. Because thats the kind of music that I like. I'm not like my sister." and things went from there. She might be going through Mentopause right now to. Cause she has been acting VERY strange. Around me.
|
pretty long... but please read and help
ok so around the beginning of october this guy told me he liked me.. i sorta liked him and we were good friends but i still didnt know him too well.. ok so he asked me out on the 6th.. but i said no.. we kept talking and we ended up going out 3 times between them and now. we talked all the time and it was like i knew him better than any1 else EVER i had fun with him and i liked how he treated me..he seriosuly treated me the best!!!!..ok so i broke up with him 3 times.. and during those times we still acted liek we were going out, we just sorta took space, and eventually went out.. its kinda like i want what i cant have!! && i hate that!..i dont know but on monday i found out from my friend that he smoked that saturday [we broke up thursday] i was so mad.. he didnt even tell me and he also told me he stopped.. i 4gave him b.c we werent going out then and it wasnt toooo big of a deal but still.. the next day i find out he likes another girl.. now when we were going out he would always say i love you soooooo much blah blah and he really did, but he said the same thing to that girl! he lied to me alot these last few days.. he even said he wanted me and didnt like the girl anymore, then that night he came out and said it was a lie.. so now he doesnt like me or the other girl BUT a new girl [he went out with a couple months ago] theyre prob going to go out and i just dont know what to do and feel..this last week i coudlnt concnetrate at all at school and ive been so sad. now i know this sounds really stupid but there is so much more to our situation and so many more lies.. but now that he lieks this other girl def. i just idk i like him so much! i dont know what to do.. i think i might have loved him..please just tell me what im going through and what i do and how i get over it
please
will rate
and thanks for reading (link)
|
Sounds like you guys have had a really up and down relationship from the start - and the relationship wasn't even that long. Wow, that's hard. And, it could be an indicator that this is just not going to work out between the two of you.
Why did you break up with him three times? Was it all because of his lying? If that's the reason, then I can understand why you'd want to break up with the guy, but why did you let him continue his games after the first time you forgave him and took him back? There's an old saying, "Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me."
What did you mean that you want what you can't have? It sounds like you had this guy and then you broke up with him, so again, I'm a little confused as to why you broke up with him so many times. Maybe NOW you're feeling like you want what you can't have because he's unavailable? Ahhh, that does happen, doesn't it? Yep, I think we all go through that and it's usually been my experience that we do because we still have feelings for the other person, we haven't moved on yet, and we're wondering why in the world it didn't work out between US!
If this guy has the nasty habit of lying all the time, how would you ever trust him? I'd really look hard at that and let that help guide you in trying to let this guy go. Sure, this business about him telling you about the other girls he likes is painful. But why is he doing that? To make you hurt because he hurt when you broke up with him? OK, well, that's not a great sign - to hurt someone back because you're hurting, though it's all too common. Or does he get off on trying to make you jealous to see if that gets you back around to him? OK, then, that isn't good either! Playing mind games is so completely immature, insensitive and unnecessary.
Sounds like this guy isn't worth your attentions. I'd be very wary of a relationship that has had so many ups and downs in such a short period of time. Who needs to have his or her emotions on a roller coaster all the time?!
I'm wondering if you really "loved" this guy or if maybe you just felt a connection with him that was different from any other guy you've known so far. That doesn't necessarily mean love. It can...eventually. I don't doubt that you think you might have loved him. Love feelings are totally confusing sometimes. But you shouldn't have to feel confused throughout your entire relationship with someone AND there should be honest communication between two partners. I strongly suggest that you acknowledge your feelings for this guy, tell yourself that you had a mostly good time with him but it wasn't healthy, allow yourself to grieve a little while, but try moving on because you deserve so much better! You deserve to be respected and if someone is telling you lies, then he or she is not giving you any respect. So, respect yourself, and go about your business with school, activities and your friends. Try not to dwell too much on this even if that's hard to do right now. Keep reminding yourself that you don't need this kind of aggravation. You also don't need to be in a relationship where you're having to set up "rules," like not smoking, no lying, etc. That's not exactly the basis for a long-lasting relationship. Try to find a guy who has your same set of values, i.e., no smoking, no lying.
Yep, you're hurting right now and that is SO normal. It will always be that way when a relationship ends - a good one or a bad one. But the pain WILL go away and later, when you find someone who deserves you, then you'll probably laugh at how much you allowed this guy to get into your head. Believe me, you'll be okay IF you can move on and away from this particular guy. Good luck. I know it's not easy to let go.
|
|
i've been having a really off week, and today was the worst ever for me [i'm a guy btw]. i guess you can say that everyone knows me, and i'm not too bad company. today was really bad for me, I felt depressed. a lot of my guy friends noticed right away something was wrong, because i'm usually the one to make the first weird comment or try to make a joke out of things - but i do know when to stop. anyways, teachers too noticed, and everyone said that it was noticeable that something was wrong with me, and that it made them feel bad too when i was around. is that normal, like does that usually happen to you guys or with your friends? its not like i'm thinking about giving up on life, but any suggestions to get my mind off of it and feel better- talking about it hasn't seemed to help... thanks - will rate good. (link)
|
I'm really sorry that you've had an "off week" and that today seemed so bad. Feeling depressed is just the pits.
Obviously you're usually in good spirits or at least you show that side to your friends and teachers more than you show any side that may not be all happy and up. I've noticed that when I'm depressed and people keep commenting on it that I almost get more depressed because 1) I'm not thrilled that anyone noticed, and 2) I usually can't just snap out of it. Did I understand you correctly that people were saying to you that they were feeling bad (read: depressed) when you were around because you were depressed? I mean, were they telling you that they felt bad FOR you or BECAUSE of you? If the answer is the latter, I'm really bugged at these people. Sure, having a friend who is down and out around you may indeed bring you down a little, but there is NO reason to announce to the depressed person that he or she is making you feel bad! That's just insensitive and will more than likely make the depressed person feel even MORE depressed! So, how did you feel when these folks said that to you? I bet you felt worse. Almost like you're SUPPOSED to be entertaining all the time. Like you can't have a bad day because they all depend on you to make their day. Well, tough. You have the right to have your bum days, weeks, months, whatever and your friends (and especially your teachers) should be very sympathetic and understanding. Unfortunately that doesn't always happen because people don't know how to handle things when others are depressed, especially those who are usually the ones to cheer up everyone else. And, it often seems like no one really knows what to say. "Gosh, you've been the one who always makes ME feel better. What am I supposed to do now that you're not feeling great? I don't know what to do. You're the one that's good at that," etc., etc. Wow, that puts a lot of pressure on YOU. And believe me, that doesn't help a depressed mood.
OK, most people suffer from some sort of depression from time to time and it usually goes away by itself. Sleep deprivation will only exascerbate the problem. Not eating right will do the same thing. Having a "series of events and things happening to [you]" WHILE dealing with school issues can certainly cause and/or make the situation worse. Have you been able to deal with some of these events and the things that have happened to you? Has there been any resolution to any of these things? If you're still dealing with these things, then that is probably not making it any easier to come up from the darkness of your depression. I know you said that talking hasn't seemed to help. But who have you been talking to? Do you feel comfortable talking to your parents, or one parent? How about a close and trusted friend (male or female)? What about your school counselor? Maybe you just need to let off some steam to a stranger...like someone on this site. Sometimes talking to strangers about specifics can help because 1) they will usually be more objective with their comments, and 2) they don't know you and you don't run such a high risk of feeling "judged." I certainly would be more than willing to hear you out and try to talk with you about the specifics of these events and things that happened to you IF you want to do that and IF you think these things are the main root of your present state of mind. You can always e-mail me at soysusana@verizon.net IF you want to get some baggage off your chest.
The last thing I'll say is that you probably needn't worry about this presently short period of time that you've been depressed. Again, we all go through different degrees of depression for varying reasons. However, if you find that the depression doesn't lift soon, then I would strongly encourage you to tell your parents and seek help by way of a professional counselor. There are staggering statistics about teens suffering from depression. Often these teens are the "life of the party," and no one knows that something is eating away at them inside out. I am NOT saying that you are one of the "statistics." What I AM saying is that you don't want this to go on too long without being aware that there IS help for you if you feel yourself slipping deeper into this "off" time, or that it just doesn't feel like it is lifting.
It sounds like for now, you could try not to dwell too much on the fact that you're feeling so "off." Sometimes trying to over-analyze how we feel can go to extremes, only making it more difficult to step away from the mood we've been trapped in. This doesn't mean I don't think that you shouldn't be aware of your moods. DO be aware of them and again, don't let them get out of hand. But, if you could occupy yourself with friends and activities as much as you can right now, you probably won't spend too much time trying to over-analyze yourself and figure out if this is normal or not. It IS normal. It only takes the path of something more than "normal" if it goes on and on, and then you will need to have help analyzing what really is going on.
Please don't be so hard on yourself. Depending on your age, you may be going through puberty-like, post-puberty, or very typical teen depression which is common only because there are so many changes happening to and around you. But, I think you'll be okay even though I am not disregarding the fact that you feel like the pits right now. That's an awful feeling and sometimes can feel as though it will never end. My guess is that it will. Just continue to be aware of yourself and how each day plays out. If people continue to come at you with the fact that it's really obvious that something is wrong, either try to talk to a "safe" person, or tell the others that you appreciate their concern but that they need to back off a little (you can say this in a nice way) and that you'll be okay. Even though I was annoyed to think that your friends and teachers might be making the situation worse by constantly pointing out to you that you're not being yourself, I DO think you are a lucky guy to have such concerned people in your life. And obviously, THEY are very lucky to have YOU in their lives. You must mean a lot to a lot of people and that's why they're so aware that something isn't right. Don't push them away even if you don't feel like opening up to them right now. If you're NOT really okay, try to talk to as many people as you can, don't keep this to yourself if you can help it, and by all means get that help I keep talking about...over and over again. (Sorry. Just trying to make a point.) I wish you lots of luck and hope that you're able to come out of this "off" mood very quickly. I will keep good thoughts for you. Don't hesitate to write an e-mail if you'd like. Take care of yourself.
|
|