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seemingly rich but not too comfortable
i'm married to a wonderful man who likes to bear upon himself the burden of others. he sees it as a responsibility to help people who are financially in need. in fact, others are on top of his priority list. i'm not unhappy about this but what makes me unhappy is that people believe i'm equally wealthy and also approach me for assistance and most times i find it difficult to meet up to expectation. what do i do?
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Just tell them that you can't lend them money. But that is great that your husband does that.
<3
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well, if you do want to help, try to become an 'assistant' to your husband, watch him do what he does and you will get better. if you dont, you should talk to him about it, or just reffer people to your husband.
good luck!
ANK
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I give you guys a lot of respect, whether or not you give as much as him. The economy hasnt treated the inhabitants of this country as well as it should, this is coming from a person who had enough money to survive then hit rock bottom when a certain someone was elected into office. The term "spread the wealth" has a different meaning to either side of the "class" spectrum, and unfortunalty people who havent a nickle to their liking, will seem relentless and overly needy--if you havent the funds to give out, as he does, or whatever the situaion, redirect the people who have their hands out to web sites or programs that can handle their needs. Ya, if they are poor/hard up on the mula, most likely they havent a computer, but librarys and other public places can supply this. In pertanance to health care, housing, groceries, any state has a site that can help with financial aid, etc. Their are programs for pretty much everything, and more so branching off of those. Its great that people like u and ur husband feel like giving, but you also pay taxes that supply these above programs. One place for housing help,
HUD (housing and Urban development), also lists housing authorities in any state. The social security office nearest you has programs not just for dissabilty or social security but has supplemental security, welfair, medicare, food stamp programs, info about food pantries (which are located everywhere, but their locations remain secretive until info. is requested). There are always places people can resort to, its a matter of how desperate and how hard they are willing to look/work for it. Tell your husband this, and make this equally aware to the people that have their hands out, too. You have to worry about yourself overall and sometimes when people (maybe you can relate) are so desperate they dont realize the negative impact they can have on someones morale. God bless you guys and good luck(Im not really religious, but use the term when I see true good in people).
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You say that you're not unhappy with what your husband is doing, but you also say that "others are on top of his priority list." Do you mean that you don't feel like you or your marriage obligations/responsibilites are at the top of his priority list? I'm wondering if you respect and admire your husband for being so generous and kind, but that you feel frustrated because you feel that he doesn't take into account the needs you or your marriage may have - financial needs. Does he ever spend money on you? Does he buy you gifts, or does he feel like he needs to spend money on others all the time? If that's the case, I would find that hard to take a lot of the time. I, too, have always felt the need and desire to help others financially if I could. But I did not want to do it at the risk of ignoring my family's needs and desires. OK, so some desires are probably not necessary, but there is nothing wrong with wanting special things from time to time. I mention all of this though you didn't because I truly wonder if you're feeling a little left out, and that would be natural. If you are, please talk to your husband and tell him your feelings. Let him know how much you respect what he does, but that you need to be a included a little more with his generous nature, and give him examples.
Now, about the business of people coming to you for financial help: you say that "people believe [you are] equally wealthy." OK, is your husband wealthy and your finances are separate? I was a little confused by that statement. If you're really interested in helping these people who come to you, then would you be willing to send them to your husband or have your husband contact them? If you're hesitant about helping too many people - for whatever reasons - perhaps you need to look at that and not put it in the category that you find it difficult to meet their expectations. What is really going on in your mind and with your feelings, is what I'm trying to get at. I am NOT judging you for any feelings that you may have. A lot of times when we are connected to someone (a spouse, a parent) who constantly gives to others - in various ways, e.g., money, time, help, etc. - and leaves you feeling like you're on the backporch, it is a difficult thing to deal with and people often find themselves feeling very confused because they think the "generous" person is probably doing the "right" thing, but they sometimes resent the time, money, help, etc. their family member devotes to/on other people and that makes them feel guilty. Are you beginning to resent your husband just a little, and then feeling guilty about it? It would be natural if you did even if you think he's wonderful and kind.
So, you have two choices:
1) If your husband mainly deals with the financial end of your marriage, then send these folks to your husband if you truly are in agreement with your husband that it's okay to help anyone and everyone who comes to you guys for help (the money you guys have should be equally yours and his unless this guy has been wealthy for years for some reason and there was some sort of agreement between the two of you before you got married. If the money truly IS yours and his, then you should have a say as to how it is used).
2) If you are not in the position to financially help others, OR you are trying to draw a line somewhere, then you need to just kindly tell these people that no matter how much you'd like to help them, you are unable to do so and leave it at that. Do not feel like you owe anyone an explanation - you don't! If you want to help to a certain degree, then do what you can, and be firm about the fact that that is all you can do, and again, don't offer any explanations. Explanations usually invite others to continue the conversation or request because you've opened a door beyond the "simple" "No. I'm sorry, I can't," and folks will try to slip in through that door, continuing and elaborating further their own explanations for their needs and so on. You are then stuck with not knowing exactly what to say or do.
Bottom line, please talk to your husband about your feelings and your frustrations. I think you guys need to work this out together and hopefully you can look within yourself and see exactly what things you're really feeling here. And if it is truly a matter of your not having the finances to "meet up to expectation," then try to work with your husband as to the avenues you might take. Also, sounds like you may want to help people yourself, but that you have a skewed vision of what people "expect." Most people in need don't expect anything other than some sort of help and they are usually very grateful for whatever that is. Maybe the people in your life do have expectations and I'd ask myself, why. If it's because of your husband's known generosity, then yes, the ball needs to go back into his court.
Long answer, but I do suspect there is more going on here than what you wrote about. I grew up with a father who gave, and gave, and gave his time, money and help to others all of the time. He was absent a great deal because of this. His priorities did not exactly seem right, but his "work" did, so when we kids felt left out, we also felt guilty.
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Since it appears that your husband deals with the finances, I would simply refer them to your husband. That way you're not turning them down but pointing them in the right direction.
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