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I lost my bestfriend. I cant deal with it.
Hi, I am Zehra! I am 13 years old and studing in class 9. I met this girl Aisha in Karachi Club while we were playin on the swing set at the age of 10. We soon became best friends. I met alot of people through her. All her friends soon became my friends. I left for australia. I was traveling alot. And i kept in touch completely. when i came back. I joined her school. We were on aright terms. Best friends ofcourse. It was all good. Till this summer. When she left. ANd she and her boyfriend Hamza broke up I was bestfriends with both so i concoled both. Hamza started playing with me. he asked me out. and i said no because he was aishas ex and i was her bestfriend. but i had feelinsg for him. It was a minor Crush. When she came back. we decided not to etll her that he asked me out or tht i liked him or anything. But he told her. She was not upset but things weer geting werid around us. I was there for her all the time when she needed me. 24/7 for 4 long years. She knew i was hurt about Hamza. She knew that he had played around too much with me because i wasnt the type who would understand then what was happening.
I was ok with her gettin back with him. But as soon as she did she had no time for me and i was really upset so i bitched about her to a couple of friends who all went and told her. It was a bad scene. We are in the same class. and even tho we are on hi hello terms. We are not best friends.
I am hapy about the fact that it has ended, because we were different. her priorities were different. and the way she use to be different around me when guys were around and the way hamza was her first priority was getting to me. I know it could not have ended if i hadnt bitched. We both wouldnt have let go. BUT now . the whole school is against me and bitches about me. No one is my *real* friend and i feel really bad. NOt about ending it but about bitching about her. I am having trust problems. and i dont no what to do about the guilty feeling i have inside me even though my paernts had always adviced me to not be friends with her. I had wanted to end it. And am happy it is over. but I dont know how to get over my guilty feeling.
what should i do? this is getting to me really bad.
Zehra
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Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
OK, it's tough to lose a best friend. It hurts. Though you say you're happy that your best friend frienship ended, it sure doesn't sound like you are. For one thing, you titled your question: "I lost my best friend. I can't deal with it." That sounds as though you are really bumming because she's NOT your best friend anymore.
I think you know now that you committed a betrayal of your close friend by talking badly about her to others. I know you were hurt and angry, but that still shouldn't make you speak ill of a friend who's been with you for so long. Besides, it's never a good idea to speak ill of ANYONE. And, you've learned a hard lesson about how people view people who DO speak badly of others. They may initially get a "thrill" out of gossip and conflict, but then I believe they lose respect for the person who is blabbing whatever it is she or he is blabbering about! They also surely worry about whether or not you'll eventually turn against them if you're dissing your BEST friend!
It's okay to be attracted to another friend's boyfriend if you don't act on that attraction. It doesn't sound as though you did, which is very good for you. I know they had broken up, but it was still fresh and I think you handled that well. It's too bad her boyfriend had to say anything to her when in fact it doesn't sound as though anything happened. Still, from what you said, that wasn't a big problem. It sounds as though you might be a little jealous of her relationship with her boyfriend: 1) you like him and though you're okay with them being back together, you're probably just a little NOT okay with that; and 2) she spends a good deal of time with her boyfriend and you feel left out. I am not one to believe that girls or women should give up their female friends for guys, but I will tell you that it is very common to want to be with your guy as much as possible, especially when you're younger. You don't tend to look at it like you've ditched your girlfriends. You tend to think that your girlfriends will understand because hey, there's a boyfriend in your life and oh how cool! But please keep in mind that it's natural to feel "abandoned" by a friend who has a new boyrfriend/girlfriend especially if you don't have anyone special in your life at the time.
So here's what I suggest: You definitely need to apologize to Aisha about the things you said about her. Tell her that you were hurt and angry because she was always with Hamza and you felt left out of her life. Tell her that that isn't an excuse for what you did, because it isn't, but that you spoke without really thinking. Ask her if she can forgive you. THEN, talk to some of the people to whom you gossiped and apologize to them for having gotten into gossiping...about ANYONE. Tell them that you're embarrassed and very sorry. Then, try to move on in your life. You may not get Aisha back as a best friend, OR a friend, and there may still be some people who will not trust you entirely after this. But, you can try to regain the trust of the people around you by BEING trustworthy from now on. It may take some time, but you'll be trusted again, IF you work on showing people that they can indeed trust you. Take the high road here and work at being a little more mature about expressing your feelings. At thirteen, people make a lot of mistakes. Not only you, sweetie. Just learn from this and try to make some new friends AFTER you apologize to your old ones. I hope you and Aisha can at least work a few things out. Good luck!
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