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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Hi!
So lately I've been pondering the meaning of life. Like what is the point of living ? I'm not saying this cause I'm emo and I'm depressed and all, but it just makes me wonder what is the point of life ? And how should you fulfill it to make you feel successful and happy ? Because to me, I see it as though that when you get older, more responsibilities are given to you , you have much more stress in life, you go to school for most of your entire life and when you do graduate from some kind of degree you then start work. It like you work to have money in order to live comfortably. And then there's the part where you try to find that significant other , and when you find that someone you never know if in the end will be happy enough for you. What if you get divorced ? And then there the potential heartbreak and all the random shit that you might go through in a relationship. But then say you do have a happy marriage and great relationships. Say you have kids and then grand kids and then you retire. After all the years that you have lived, stress, hardships, obstacles, miracles, and love ...... What's next in life ?? Do you die and that's it ? And then several generations go by and you're forgotten ?
I guess I'm just having a hard time what I belive in ? I don't know what I believe in and what my morals are ?
I'm originally from a Vietnamese Roman Catholic family in which they are super super religious . My mom goes to church every single day and she always give me heck for not being religious enough .. And to be honest , I know it sounds horrible but I don't even know if I even belive fully in the bible and all that jazz. I want to fit in, and I do go to church every Sunday . But whenever I go , I can never focus on the readings and I never pray there . I feel bad. And then there's the part where I used to go to Sunday school every sunday since I was young but now I never go and I dont even go to my vietnamese church ever either. And Part of the reason why i guess is because of my ex that goes there as well that drove me away and part of it is that I feel like I've grown out of the vietnamese church community. But then at the same time I don't know if I'm missing out? In a way I sort of miss my church friends and in a way I sort of dont ? Do you think it's fine that I've moved on ?? I'm just so confused so much about life right now in general . Please help ? Sorry for the long question btw aha

I can relate, boy can I relate and I have sooo much to share with you that you will see that you are actually doing what is healthy and truly the best thing for any individual to do, follow your own path. As to what happens on that path and the purposes behind them, we may not know but we will when we die and look back, then it will all make sense. And sooo, if things are confusing and you don't know what to make of life and it seems pointless, God understands...its all part of our learning process so no condemnation from that corner.
One way to start to put things in perspective is:
“I am a spiritual being having a mortal experience.”
We have a knowledge, that comes from the whisperings of the Holy Ghost saying that there is much more, That my existence and being is patterned after our Eternal, Heavenly Father. I know that “God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness but many argue as to what that means and are we talking about the image of our body or image of our souls? Since God does not have a mortal body, of course it stands to reason we are talking about the soul. Our mortal family units are a good example to look at to gain insight into what our soul family is like...at least the healthy family units where there is love and not abuse. As a child, didn't you have to go thru a period of learning by trial and error. Parents taught you by being a good example themselves, setting up boundaries, what things are not acceptable because they are hurtful to you or others. Some humans get carried away on issues that are not really important. In a family, we learn what it is like to be part of a family, what our role as a son or daughter is within a family and what abilities we have that the parents have, what inheritances come with the family name, etc...

Many have no thought of spirituality. It is as if they were asleep. What is promising is that each one of us has a piece of God inside us. While I attended church, I chose to believe that the Holy Spirit lived inside me. Some relate better to believing and connecting with their angels or believing they hear from spirit guides, or the souls of relatives passed on who now guide you. It doesn't matter what we feel most comfortable picturing it as, end result is the same, God is the one behind all of that, it is not an issue to him what we believe the guidance is coming from, more important is that we are getting it and hearing it clearly because that is what will help us grow up as souls on our spiritual journey. The reason souls incarnate into mortal bodies instead of trying to learn everything in heaven is because there are some things that can only be learned this way. Just as there are some things I had to learn and experience in life rather than know and understand from just reading about it. Our spiritual life is an 'experience'...it is something that is lived...and that is the purpose of your mortal life...for your soul to either experience certain things or to experience and grow from what we learn. Would you say there are kids who are slow to learn when the parents warn them that they can get hurt doing a certain thing and they make the same mistake over and over and over? Their immaturity has them doing it wrong again whereas another child near the same age, may seem to have more wisdom and learns the first time and therefore grows from their experience. Souls are no different. Some are more mature than others. I used to believe in us having just the one life time to get it right. But now I don't. My God is a loving parent: patient with me when I get something wrong, he does not discipline or punish me harshly, he only uses gentle words to guide me. Why would he give me only one lifetime to get it right? Lifetimes are more like grade levels in school as I see it. So some souls are in Kindergarten and some in College ready to graduate. And sometime a child has to take a certain grade over again becuase they are not ready to move on yet. Thats where a soul I believe lives another life to learn the thing they didn't learn in the last life.

You are doing what I did, choosing to think for yourself rather than believe everything you are told in church or in how they interpret the bible.
I can say there is a lot of truth in the bible, but there are a lot of distortions, and then there are some very unproductive beliefs that lead people to live in ways that are counter productive to what the Spirit of God is trying to teach us. You know there is a power greater than you. Its like being a foster kid and the church your foster parents and they are doing the best they know how but its not a very good job at all and you have just learned that your adoptive or foster parents are not your real parents, wouldnt you want to get to know your real parents?
As a soul, that is one thing we are here to learn...to choose to want to get to know our heavenly parent. It won't bthe forced on us and thats why so many go through life, choosing to not even think about if there is a God.
Realistically, having a heavenly parent that we know nothing about, wouldn't the first step be to make initial contact, awkward as the process may be and then slowly build the relational step by step by spending time together, talking to each other. It's not any more mysterious than talking to oreet having a relationship with your earthly parents. God is not formal, he talks to you in whatever language and words you are most comfortable using, but like a kid who has their own bedroom, He is polite and gives you your space, he won't intrude. If you want to get to know him, you have to come out of your room so to speak and start talking to him. Its as easy as "Hey God, I'm not sure what I am comfortable calling you yet but I decided it is time I get to know you better so I can rely on you rather than other souls in mortal bodies for my spiritual guidance. I want to learn about you, what you want me to do. That is the most important thing to me, having a purpose and reason for being so I am going to need a little help and guidance from you so that I make the most of my souls experience in this life. I want you to be proud of me so I will ask you often if I am pleasing you as my heavenly parent. Help me in this process of learning how to hear your voice in my head and recognize it from my own thoughts. thanks a lot."

Thats' pretty much how I pray or talk to God. I never bow my head...why? Do I bow my head when I talk to my earthly parents? No...why do it for God...cus He doesnt stand on ceremony as we are led to believe. But dont take my words for it dear, just start asking God.
At first you will find you sometimes have a strong gut feeling about something, or your inner voice is saying, I am not comfortable with that..I dont think its a good idea to do that. Heed those feelings because our subconscious minds which is where our feelings and emotions are, have an easier time hearing what the Spirit inside us is saying. Keep asking for confirmations and verifications. If you have to ask a hundred times before you are sure you heard from God correctly, then do so. What matters is that you get to a place where you know that you know that you know what God has said to you and your experiences with God and his personal one on one teachings with you are so real that there is no one in the world who can convince you that you are on the wrong path. There are many paths to coming to spiritual maturity, in fact almost all the religion and beliefs on this planet have a piece of the truth. But also, each one has its own set of falsehoods and distorted teachings and yet people buy the whole ball of wax and believe it all. Decide what it is you do believe firmly and start there.
I understand missing church...although the only part I miss is the worship time,,it was always the favorite part of any service. I don't not miss the people, at first I did but as I grew spiritually more aware than where they were at, it was like me having a PHD from some college and trying to converse on that level with kindergarteners. Their minds are just not there yet. I really felt the gap great enough that I had to find people who were more open minded spiritually rather than narrow minded/thinking inside the box religious.
I am sure there is more I can share with you so if you have a specific item or thought I didnt touch on enough, let me know by writing my column inbox or in general to the folks here again.
Blessings to you dear.

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Here's some background info. Growing up, I've witnessed all kinds of displays of ignorance, confusion, and a lack of understanding about who we are as people and the different perspectives and ideas we have on things like life, love,
religion, etc. So I thought, why not find a way to get to know each other, one on one? I want to start a group where people can meet up one on one, and share with one another their stories, ideas, or whatever important thing they've wanted to tell somebody but maybe never got the chance to. People would meet up, and talk about these things to help them grow and understand each other without the fear of rejection for what they have to say. The rules are simple: No fighting or arguing, you can disagree, but violence is prohibited. What do you think? Would this work as a club, or has somebody already started a club similar to this? I'm sorry for it being so long, and thank you for reading.

It sounds wonderful. I haven't heard of anything like this. But I can think of one thing that is remotely similar, Speed Dating...where a group of singles come to meet and during the course of the meeting take time to sit one on one with each person and ask some questions to see if you have any remote interest in the person.
The setup would be similar, but not the purpose...this would be more like "Make a friend, Be a friend" if it needs a title.
Part of being a friend is being able to listen to another person, to be able to support them and encourage them in their hopes and dreams and beliefs, even if they don't match your own, and unconditional love.
I haven't gone looking for it, so there may be groups like this. A good place to advertise it is under meetup.com where you can look to find a group to attend or you can start one for a minimal sign up fee one time only as far as I know. There are some basic guidelines about how to relate to other people. this kind of thing is never taught in schools and we don't necessarily learn it from friends, or friends. So many people need to have the basics pointed out. So picking a topic such as how to understand the body language of another person, how people express that they love or really care about someone with the five basic love languages. I can see you running a different exercise each time. Teach about the 5 love languages, have a photo copy hand out of the basic description of each. Ask members to give you ideas of topics to cover. The instruction part need not be long, 5 minutes to read out the basic concept, give handouts and then give people a chance to rotate through everyone there, giving each duo something like 5 - 10 minutes to share so it won't be a speed thing like speed dating. If there are too many people to get through the whole group, have them catch the other half next week. People need to be given a topic to focus on in their conversations, they can go on tangents if they like, thats okay. But good topics would be 'do you consider yourself religious or spiritual and why? Bucket list-- things they'd like to accomplish before they die, favorite genre of music, movies, books. and the list of possibilities goes on. How to boost your self esteem. Even those with a pretty good self esteem can always grow more. Keep in mind that the important things to learn in how to be a good friend also are important to good dating relationships or marriages so if one thinks first of a problem they have with dating, and relationships, it most likely with be just as important for learning to be a friend. Most healthy marriages have two people who are each others best friend. Friendship is where it all starts. good luck.

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3 Days Spent in New York City
Outsiders look up, locals look straight. A majestic world of wonder on the eyes, the concrete jungle that is New York City. The three days I spent in New York, the city lit by aspirations and grandeur to inspire people, had left me with three days of wishes granted. The city that never sleeps, according to the song.
The atmosphere invites you to participate in everyday activities. Day one, obligeto call out for a “taxi”, the famous yellow car, the best way of transport to travel from one sight to the next with only a low priced fee. My trip there was like discovering an entirely new way of life that I had only heard stories of. During day one I felt compelled to visit the Statue of Liberty. It is a modern marvel and a national monument that symbolizes independence, friendship and democracy. The national monument allows people to study America’s independent history and provides a remarkable view of the harbour. Day two was devoted towards a more cultural outlook of some of the finest art work in the world, which is on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. New York’s Museum is one of the most influential museums in the world. It attracts visitors with it’s display of both modern and contemporary arts, that enable visitors to explore the evolution of arts and culture diversity.
I found that the New York people are providential and were very engaging. They adored to learn all about where you are from and to inculcate with you about some of the history behind New York’s purpose and landmarks.
The Empire State Building is a 102 story skyscraper located in Midtown Manhattan; I decided that I wasn’t prepared to climb the top, although I am told the view of New York’s sunset is so astonishing that it is where couples retreat too. My final visit on day three was to spend some time to wander around the luscious loveliness, which holds fresh air from the oak woodland trees and is home to the bees. Or with the nick name of “the green lungs”, that is Central Park. It held a true beauty aside from the city, it felt different, a place to unwind from the city’s magical madness. Romantic horse drawn carrige ride is not to be missed in the winter, with a snow sence background. Central park had the ability to ensure you wouldn’t dare be anywhere else. I couldn’t miss out the opportunity for some early Christmas shopping, with the Manhattan luxury shopping along the Fifth and Madison Avenues. The unique gifts and desirable store window displays, that draw you in, made shopping feel as if I was in control of everything. With a wealth of restraunts this included dinner in little Italy.
I feel that three days staying in New York satisfied my need for exploration, and hunger for adventure. During the three days I needed no map to guide me through the sights of the city, just a clear and open mind, ready for the unexpected. I came back home with confidence and my heart strings attached to the city that I had once only seen in the old fashion movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, yet that film had only captured the elegance, not the balance between real lives in the city.
To rationalize new York, is something not to be put in words is too be seen and felt. One day I will return with a new outlook and ideas of scepticism to thrive and to fill the city. It is a place I would never feel lost in, I would recommend it for any mind that needs a new captivating moment, available now only in New York City.


HI Hon. I love to write so I will take up the challenge and see what help I can give. Since I can't make changes show in italics or another color, I will put corrections and suggestions in parentheses. I also will add additions to make sentences more interesting. If you need any clarifications, let me know.



3 Days Spent in New York City
Outsiders look up, locals look straight. A majestic world of wonder on the eyes, the concrete jungle that is New York City. The three days I spent in New York, the city lit by aspirations and grandeur to inspire people, (had:OMIT) left me with three days of wishes granted.(It truly is) the city that never sleeps, (as well known song lyrics describe).

The atmosphere invites you to participate in (the multitude of) everyday activities. Day one, (obligeto?? not sure what you wanted here) call out for a “taxi”, the famous yellow car, the best way of transport to travel from one (sight/ change to site) to the next with only a low priced fee. My trip (there/you could put another nickname for NY in here like "to the Big Apple) was like discovering an entirely new way of life that I had only heard stories of. During day one I felt compelled to visit the Statue of Liberty. It is a modern marvel and a national monument that symbolizes independence, friendship and democracy. The national monument allows people to study America’s independent history and provides a remarkable view of the harbour. Day two was devoted towards a more cultural outlook of some of the finest art work in the world, which is on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. New York’s Museum is one of the most influential museums in the world. It attracts visitors with it’s display of both modern and contemporary arts, that (enable/change to allow) visitors to explore the evolution of arts and culture diversity.
I found that the New York people are (providential/I don think thats the word you want. look for my longish explanation below under (A) ) and were very engaging. They adored (to learn/learning) all about where you are from and to (inculcate/see (B) below) with you about some of the history behind New York’s purpose and landmarks.
The Empire State Building is a 102 story skyscraper located in Midtown Manhattan; I decided that I wasn’t prepared to climb the top, although I am told the view of New York’s (sunset is so astonishing that it is where couples retreat too./see (C) below) My final visit on day three was to spend some time to wander around the luscious loveliness, which holds fresh air from the oak woodland trees and is home to the bees. Or with the nick name of “the green lungs”, that is Central Park. It held a true beauty (of it's own) aside from (that of) the city, it felt different, a place to unwind from the city’s (magical/use metropolitan or another word instead of magical?) madness. A Romantic horse drawn carrige ride is not to be missed (anytime but especially not) in the winter, with a (snow/change to scenic snowy) background. Central park (had/change to has) the ability to ensure you wouldn’t (dare be/change to 'dream of being') anywhere else. I couldn’t miss out (on)the opportunity for some early Christmas shopping, with the (Manhattan luxury/ change to 'luxury of Manhatten') shopping along the Fifth and Madison Avenues. The unique gifts and (desirable/change to 'eye catching') store window displays, that draw you in, made shopping feel as if I was in control of everything. With a wealth of (restraunts/change to 'restaurants') (this included dinner in little Italy./change to 'to choose from, I finally decided upon dinner in little Italy)
I feel that three days staying in New York satisfied my need for exploration, and hunger for adventure. During the three days I needed no map to guide me through the sights of the city, just a clear and open mind, ready for the unexpected. I came back home with confidence and my heart strings attached to the city that I had once only seen in the old fashion movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, yet that film had only captured the elegance, not the (balance between real lives in the city/see (D) below.)

To (rationalize/change to 'summarize') (new/capitalize) York, is (something not to be put in words is too be seen and felt./change to 'is some place that can't be described in words; it must be seen and felt'.) One day I will return with a new outlook and ideas of (scepticism/look up meaning, doesn't fit, I think you want a different word) to thrive (in) and to fill (up my senses with) the city. It is a place I would never feel lost in, I would recommend it for any mind that needs (new captivating moment/ or 'the socially, intellectually and dramatic stimulation that only New York City can provide.' and, available now only in New York City.


(A) I think you may have wanted the word'provincial'. look up link and follow to listing of antonyms, one of which is 'cosmopolitan' that may fit better
http://www.answers.com/topic/provincial

(B) Inculcate meaning:
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary
/inculcate
Teaching is fine but this word describes it being done repetitiously and/or with admonitions. So you will need another word substituted here, or change of sentence to/ immerse you in tales of the history behind....

(C) If you are trying to hint that it is a romantic place that dating couples like to go because of the view, then the word "astonishing" doesn't evoke that feel to me. If a guy wants to choose that place to impress a date, it means it has to be memorable or unforgettable...or something else like that would work. I prefer unforgettable.
(D) the term 'balance between' indicates that there are two items that the balance is between, as in real lives and...?? I don't know what you want the other word to be, what is being balanced? the hollywood image? real lives and the hollywood image?" Or take out balance between and use other terms there.

I know its hard to follow my suggestions and changes so go slow, ready over and over. When I want a good descriptive word, I think of a simple one and do search for meaning on the web and choose the dictionary that also lists synonyms and anthonyms which are help to give other options or let me know if I have chosen a word with the right description. So do your reswearch. I rely heavily on the web to look up words, not as much for spelling but meanings to see if I have chosen the right one or best one.
I dont know how much time you have to get it in but I go over my book writing 10 times or more and almost each time find a way to make sentences more descriptive, more precise or easier to understand.

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(Female, 13) I have 2 friend groups who I hang out with, one is funny and the other is popular ish and funny. The one who I used to hang out with way more was the first, but there is a girl in there who takes up all the attention I could be getting and is way better and prettier than me and who has many suitors. She makes me feel like I am her shadow, especially because we both draw and she is more talented and is very recognized for it. I hate myself because if her, and have been cutting since 12. I decided to leave the group for my other, and hang out with them at our only social time,lunch. I sit by them. Ever since, I have felt way better and it is really fun over there. My old group is convinced they use people and are mean, and blackmails me into coming back. My old friend who made me hate myself acrually seems a tiny bit sadder that I am gone. I texted 2 members of my old group about it and made it worse, so in the end I just apoligized for existing and left. I dont know who to hang out with. Old group or new?

It doesn't matter what group you hang out with. If you have a low self image of yourself and are always comparing yourself to others...thats not necessarily a teen thing...that issue can follow you into adult hood and make the rest of your entire life miserable no matter who you hang with, no matter what recognition or awards you earn.
What I think is that you need to realize that people are different. Its okay to be different and not have the same talents or same level of a same talent as someone else. Both teens and adults, but you'll especially notice this with adults...we all have our own tastes and preferences. People have different tastes in food. It could be the creation of a world famous chef but when I take a bite, I may think it's gross. That does not make the food bad, many will like it but its not to my liking. Adults will stop dressing like their peers and find their own style regarding clothes and hair, etc... How many parents won't like it if their teen gets their hair dyed green and cut in a mohawk? there's nothing wrong with that, the teens are expressing their person taste and the parents their personal dislike of it. This goes for every area of life..including arts and talents. There are differing tastes in art. I will never be able to paint something to look almost as real as a photograph. But I paint and do so for myself. However I have had several visitors to the home who wished they had one of my pieces. So I don't have the recognition of a great amount of society but I don't need that to validate my art, myself or my tastes.
Another area that girls are especially affected is in how they look and thinking they aren't pretty enough. That saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," is very true.

It means that you can do a survey of 12 random men out on the street as to what type of female they are attracted to most in looks and you will get 12 different answers. Some men do not like thin skinny girls. And yes there are some men who do not like big boobs. During the teen years, some of the girls who are more popular cus they've developed faster and perhaps have more curves, are going to catch the attention of young boys who are just beginning to feel the affects of puberty and hormones going crazy. Once they get past puberty, they will begin to develope their own personal tastes. Some men like the natural look, no makeup, the girl next door look, the gal who looks like she's just been out hiking rather than competing in a beauty pageant.
If you can get yourself past this way of stinking thinking regarding yourself, you'll be fine. But it isn't always so easy in practice.
One thing you will find is that when you try to become aware of each negative thought, you will realize they vastly outweigh the good thoughts and that is enough to stress you out, and make you depressed enough to cut. Each time you get a thought thaat you're not good enough or not as popular, tell yourself "I take that negative thought captive. I will not believe that. I am actually a very bright, talented person and have those who appreciate me for myself and love my talents." It wont be but a minute or two after saying that when you catch your subconscious mind dwelling on a negative thought again. Say your counter active thing again. I read this in a book from a psychologist years ago. It does work but it is horribly hard work at first. If you find yourself getting nowhere with this self help approach, then you may want to ask parent and school counselors about seeing a psychologist.
It is true that cutting can become a nasty habit and hard to kick. However it will be easier to kick it if you are working in some way on your thought processes. This is something no one else can do for you.
The girl you are jealous of I'll bet has not intentionally done anything to make you feel bad, you are the one who by your thoughts makes yourself feel bad when around her. Its easier to blame someone else for causing us to feel bad because of something they did. However, another truth in life you best learn now rather than later is that we always have a choice of how we respond to anything in life. We can respond positively or negatively. You have been choosing to respond negatively mostly in your mind but at times you have possibly let your sour feelings out and dumped on others or said things that hurt others. People around you and in your life are not going to understand your moods, or actions because they are not mind readers and have no clue what battle you have going on in your mind that might cause you to act that way. Being your friends are as inexperienced in life as you, they will likely just react to an action in ways that only make the situation worse. If you'd like to talk more, give me a note on my column or write a new question to the advice column in general.
I wish you the best dear. The teen years are tough, learning to know who we are, and gaining our self confidence. I was actually very shy back then which made it all the harder. At least it sounds like you don't have that to deal with so you're way ahead of me. You do very well at expressing yourself in writing. I think you may have a writing talent you are unaware of.
Good luck!

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I used to work with him, and when I moved to a different state it was really difficult. It was like...the world was beautiful in a nostalgic sense, something I once saw but couldn't anymore. The vitality was gone because I couldn't share it with him. Over the years the intensity of those feelings decreased, but they were always there. Sometimes I would dream that I was back there and he was there with me, and I would wake up and the loss was overwhelming.
But as fate would have it (and it truly was a twist of fate), I am back and working with him again. And it's almost like nothing's changed, like those years in between never happened. Except before, I thought my interest was one-sided: we had a very friendly professional relationship, but I didn't think it extended beyond that. Now, he's making what seem to be flimsy excuses to talk to me, he'll offhandedly ask if I'll be at different events around town, he'll ask my opinion on his work, etc. I'm on a short-term contract and he often asks if I'm making plans to stay beyond that end date. I have nothing but the greatest respect for this man, so I never would have tried to push things unless I thought my feelings might be reciprocated. But now...
It's driving me mad, because I know this flirtation under the guise of friendliness is where it will stay unless one of us makes the first move. I won't. I won't because I won't risk losing his respect in case I'm misinterpreting his behavior. And I know him - he won't unless he's sure I'm interested, in no small part because he's "the older man." The age gap is big. And I'm quite sure neither of us is regularly attracted to someone well outside their age range, so this is very new territory.
But this man is my soul mate. What am I saying? I don't even believe in soul mates. But there he is. So how can I subtly let him know I'm interested? I don't want to be too direct too quickly, because I can backtrack more easily out of a subtle approach if it turns out I've misread the situation. Any thoughts?

You've had a taste of what life is like without him. If you do nothing, when your job contract ends, you'll likely end up with a life of more of the same, lonliness and the feeling of pain and loss and lots of what ifs. Who's to understand why sometimes two people fall for each other and their hearts are so closely tied to the other, life has no joy without them and yet there's a big age gap. Can you say for certain that the major thing for your soul to learn in this lifetime does not include learning how to accept and enjoy a relationship with someone older, maybe old enough to be your dad? Because there are lots of obstacles to overcome, mostly all the in minds of those around you and in your own minds. No...it's not a very common thing. Just because it's uncommon, does that make it wrong? NO. Just recently I viewed an episode of extreme cougar wives, your situation in reverse. There's one where the man is in his twenties and the female almost 60 and they are perfectly happy together. here's the link which you may find empowering to watch (Extreme Cougar Wives):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6VrQCjpo_7I
Though it is the reverse of your situation, I find it interesting when Jane 59, has a young man say to her that she is everything he has wanted and been looking for in a woman, too bad she is much older than him. And her reply was, why does that have to be a problem. They are very happy together. They don't care what other people think or say.

You have to have a tough hide to not let others opinions bother you if you were to go for it. Perhaps your souls mission and lesson to learn in this lifetime Was to experience what a relationship with a big age gap is like and to learn to overcome the obstacles that come with it. Can you see yourself living life without him and no contact at all with him in any way shape or form in the future. Can you handle that for a bigger amount of time than last time? How about 10 years of not seeing him or having him in your life, 15? More? At some point of imagining the future without him, if there is the connection you say you feel, then you should also feel a great feeling of dispair at the thought of not having him.

If you say nothing, it's 100% for sure that you'll feel this way and not have him in your life.
If you say something, then its 50-50% chance that you will have him in your life as a sweetheart. Either he feels the same and starts a relationship with you or he doesn't feel the same and then theres two options to the other 50%, 25 % chance it ruins the friendship and he avoids you due to awkward feelings, or 25% chance he says he's flattered but says no to the dating relationship and chooses to remain friends.

As I see it 50% that you become a couple, 25% chance that you remain friends but don't become a couple and 25% chance that you never see him again, the odds of you continueing to see him in some way the rest of your life are 75% chance. That would be enough odds for me to say something.

If I were you, I would not count on subtle as a way to get the point across that you are interested in him as more than just a co-worker or friend. If the person were showing no interest in being around you, then yes it would be awkward to bring up the subject.
I would make it very obvious. Bring up the subject of age gap. Tell him you happened to come across a you tube video of a show called Extreme Cougar Wives. The biggest age gap was a 27 yr old man with a 59 year old woman. It hit home for you because age doesn't matter to you either. Then ask him how he feels about that. Depending on his response, he may feel encourage to say something right there if he has feelings for you. If he doesn't, don't let the conversation die. take it further. Then you tell him that you believe that a person older than you might be perfect for you. Should you just go ahead and ask him out?" If he says yes, then tell him he's the one you have interest in, will he go out with you?

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Here's the deal. I've always been pretty close with my mom. We have the same sense of humor, and we are able to talk to each other very easily. We've had our fights and disagreements here and there, but usually we would turn out okay, and move on. I'm currently 20 years old, and things seem to be getting worse with her, and I'm not all that sure why. Nowadays she hardly wants to talk to me or even look at me, and I can be as nice as possible to her and she'll snap at me for no reason. When she bothers to talk to me, all she says is some kind of complaint (either pertaining to me or something else). Even stranger is that we have a dog, and she suddenly changes her mood and acts happy towards our dog alone. Then, of course, if I walk by or talk to her, she's angry/cold again. She's basically the same with my older sister as well. I'm growing so tired of it and I don't know what to do. The worst happened on Thursday (Oct. 24).

Me and my sister were in a car accident...the very first I'd ever been in. It happened so suddenly. Long story short, we rear-ended someone who made a COMPLETE stop on a road that has a 45-50 mph speed limit (and no, it was nowhere near a stop light. They just randomly stopped in the middle of the lane. According to the police officer, that person was confused about something and decided to stop for some reason). We were incredibly lucky to not have been injured at all, and the people we hit weren't hurt either. Their car didn't receive any damage somehow, but the entire front of our car is now a complete mess. I remember the moment when we were about to crash into it, with their car's rear inches in front of us, and my sister slamming her foot on the brake, and us both screaming for our lives. I thought "This is it. We're going to die", in that split second. When we got out of the car, we were both shaking, and couldn't believe what just happened. But we were alive, and unharmed somehow. I felt so thankful, but so scared.

Of course, we called our mom first (and this was around 11 pm, so she was in bed already). And guess what her response was? Instead of immediately asking if we were okay, she only wanted to know what happened (with an unconcerned tone of voice), and scoffed at us for wanting her to pick us up after the whole ordeal was done. I couldn't believe it. When we got home two hours later (a friend dropped us off), she was sleeping soundly, and didn't bother to ask us how we were doing. The next day, she didn't ask either. And today (Oct. 26), she still hasn't shown ANY concern. Her only worry was if she would have to be the one paying the insurance or whatever.

I feel so sad, and frustrated. My own mom doesn't care that we could've been severely injured, or even died. Heck, she showed way more concern when our neighbor was in an accident than when her own daughters were. And she's noticed that me and my sis are mad at her because of her carefree attitude, and she's only become even angrier at us in return, instead of understanding the huge reason WHY. Please...any advice?

Oh honey I am so sorry to hear this.
I am a mother of 3 girls and can not imagine my self under any circumstances treating my daughters that way. Most the majority of mothers have a nurturing and protective aspect to them when it comes to her children. It comes naturally to mothers.
The only cases where that is not so that I have learned so far in life is girls who grew up with moms who felt children were a chore and a bother and wished she never had them. So she grows up mentally programmed that children are a nuisance and a bother and so the psyche acts that out when she has kids of her own. She has negative programming running in her head and most humans have a strange way of wanting to fulfill the negative thoughts running behind the scenes and so will do whatever they have to subconsciously to fulfill and make those thoughts a reality. This kind of behavior would have been there in some form from the beginning so did she do that at times when you were younger? You say things that would lead me to believe that for the most part, life growing up was good and that this behavior is more recently or has over the last 2 =3 years slowly appeared and gotten worse.
If it's a recent thing, then there is a chance that she may have some kind of mental health issue. Is she on medications for some health problems? Some medications can totally change a persons personality. That is a terrible side effect and her doctor should be made aware of it. But she may not be willing to tell the doctor in which case as her daughters, the two of you need to contact him and tell him what is going on.
There are other mental health issues that may have been there all along since she was a child but in such low amounts that did not affect her ability to operate in society. A great majority of mental health problems goes undetected because its not bad enough to cause problems at work or with neighbors but it comes out like steam from a pressure cooker when at home. In some cases, the person knows something is wrong with them and it terrifies them so they try all the harder to put up a defensive shell, using anger to keep others at bay so you won't stay close enough to see what is really happening or they use the blame game, pointing the finger at others to take the focus off themselves. My ex was like that. He had issues through life that were easily kept hidden but as he aged, it became more prominent and harder to hide so his behaviour towards me worsened. He was always verbally abusive from the beginning. It just wasn't very often in the beginning but began to happen more and more and got more extreme as time went on.

Perhaps, with a good physical and mental health checkup, she can get the help she needs.
However, she's an adult so if she chooses not to get checked out and isn't worried about her relationship with the two of you, there isn't much you can do.
Being mad at her isn't going to improve things. So where does your responsibility lie? With yourself, you can't make her change but you can choose how you act and react or respond to her. Anger will not change her. Maybe no kind treatment ever will. So your responsibilities lie with yourself. As an adult, you are responsibile to see to your own health and welfare first. this includes your emotional and mental health. Trying to keep mom in your life as part of it if she is unwilling to seek ways that would improve her relationship with you is only going to hurt you. The emotional hurt over times can bring stress, depression and actually be the very early causes of other physical ailments that can crop up over the years. Do not let her behavior limit you in what you do with your life. You are blessed to have a sister who loves you. The lack of love from a mother is a very hard thing to deal with. In time, some time in the future, you may benefit from seeing a counselor to get all your feelings out. If you are living with her, I would imagine that almost anything could be better than that. A daily reminder of her uncaring attitude will not help you in dealing with your own feelings, healing and getting beyond it. Is there a possibility of you and sister going to live with another family member? Or can you make plans for the near future for both you and sister and perhaps a friend, to share the cost of renting a place together? What you need right now at a time when you are feeling so unloved and rejected is a big loving hug. I wish I could do that for you. Perhaps God will bring someone into your life who can do that for you. He did for me during a two yr period when my mom got mad at me for some imagined offense she came up with and wouldnt talk to me for the entire time, even though we worked in the same company. I was about your age and married at the time. So it was different. But a woman in my dept who was my friend and about my moms age, noticed what my mom was doing and told me there was nothing I could do to make her change but keep the doors open in case one day she changed and wanted to love me again. This kind woman got close to me and became the mother figure I needed at that time. Sometimes, thats what God does when life throws us situations like yours. So long term into the future, if nothing improves, pray for a mother figure to come into your life. The family we are born with we don't have the choice over but the family we choose like the friends we choose can be just as close or better. If you feel a need to talk further, you may write to my column dear. I wish the best outcome for you and sis.

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Okay so I have depression and I do cut myself. About a month ago, I would always tell my friends I cut and stuff because it was my way of asking for help (Weird, I know) but I don't do that anymore and that was a month ago.

Well someone told me I'm just seeking for attention and I don't have depression. I do realize it seems like I was, but that was a month ago and I no longer do it. Yes, I still cut, but I don't tell people I do. Bad mistake, I know.

How am I able to not be called this anymore?

You are not able to change the actions of other people so there is no way to make them stop saying certain things to you or doing things you don't like. The only thing you have control over is changing yourself or not. Change is scary though so few people change for the better. To change, it involves often some kind of healing. The part of us that needs healing is in our subconscious where our emotions and feelings are. The hurt or trauma to our emotions is either from external conflict, bad experiences and treatment that was forced upon us or it is self created in self defeatist thinking, stinking thinking which includes low self esteem.
I am not a psychologist but I helped two daughters through depression. One truly needed medication as hers was an imbalance in the hormone levels that was a chemical thing in her body and the other did not. The 2nd daughter had hers due to external events that happened to her which caused her to compound things by doing the negative thinking. There are ways to get over that kind of depression without prescriptions. If you are interested in trying and more concerned about yourself than what others are doing, then let me know and I will share with you what you can do to overcome your depression.

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I'm a 22yr old female from India . I've been in a relationship since the past 3 yrs and never has my bf abused me despite being short tempered. 2 days back we had an argument in his car, and he pushed me to the point where I couldn't stand sitting there any longer. I asked his driver to stop the car but my bf wouldn't let me out.I tried opening the door slightly, only so it would force his driver to stop. It was then that my bf threatened to slap me if I did it again saying I could cause an accident . I was too humiliated and angry to think rationally and he threatening me only made me do it again wanting to get out immediately . He then raised his hand as if he was going to strike. I was too shocked and hurt to react any more. He later made the driver get down so he could speak to me alone. He apologised saying he would never have hit me and only wanted to scare me so I would stop. It lead to a nasty argument after which he drove rashly making me hit myself against the side window. I began to cry and he apologised fervently saying he was sorry he hurt me but never intended to. I haven't spoken to him since and can't bring myself to either. What should I do?

I married at 20. After a few months he showed his true self. He was verbally abusive and had a temper. I stayed with him almost 30 years and we have 3 girls. It was not a healthy situation for the girls to witness, his verbal abuse of me and often losing his temper with them too. As the years went on, he began to go beyond verbal abuse to pushing me and shoving me. On occasions, I narrowly missed being injured. When I talked to professionals, I discovered that verbal abuse almost always leads to physical abuse.
I threatened to leave him if he actually hit me and somehow that kept him at bay but the shoving me around was occuring more frequently and as I said, i was just likely I did not hit my head as I lost my balance and fell. I did not let that stage go on for long...it was for the last year I was with him that he shoved me. Then I left.

Here's what helped me leave. I asked myself if I could put up with his terrible behavior, where I was emotionally hurt and scared and shoved if it was just one more day. Yes I could. one day isn't much. I asked myself if I could put up with it for just one more week. Yes I could easily still answer yes. For another month. I was feeling annoyed...I dont want to but I think I can.
How about another year, could I handle him one more year. I felt pretty agitated at that thought but told myself, you can do it, you;ve done it before. Then I asked myself if I could see myself being with him for the next 5 to 10 years into the future. All of a sudden my heart fell, my emotions felt crushed, I felt depressed...I had been forcing myself through day after day. But at that moment, I realized I could not go through this for another 5 or 10 years. the sad thing is that waiting those years for the man to change and improve is not going to happen. People with these kinds of issues rarely change except for the worse. My advice is to ask him about going for counseling for his anger issues. If he isn't willing, then cut it off with him right away. Or do so now if you feel that is the right thing to do.

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- Dad had heart attack 10 days ago.
- Doctors are giving two options: tracheostomy or stop life support
- CT Brain Scans show hypoxia and global cerebral edema
- From the cardiac arrest, it was 50 minutes until his heart started again
- He is in a comatose state, with no sedation, only involuntary movements
- Ventilator helping him breathe

Anybody been in the same situation, or can give suggestions on what I should do?
I'm having a hard time making a collaborative decision. Doctors are saying that the damage to the brain is irreversible and if he does survive, he will be severely disabled. If I take the tracheostomy route, he will be most likely in a vegetative state in a nursing home for the rest of his life.

WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Need answers ASAP, they want a decision within next 2 days.

Thanks in advance for all responses.. God bless.

Is it just your decision or are there siblings and what do they think. It should be discussed by all even if only one has power of attorney.
I remember when my dad was in a coma and on life support. He had been weakened by several strokes and now was getting pneumonia often. We had a DNR for him, but to get him to be treated in a hospital for pneumonia, had to take him off the 'do not resusitate' instructions. He was treated and went back to nursing home. A short while later, a staff person in nightly checks found he had no life signs and my sister had forgotton to change back to DNR so they called ambulance and he was resusitated though he had been dead, he had no life signs on his own, they put him on life support. So when all us kids arrived at the hospital we could see a big difference from what he looked like when he was sick in hosp. with pneumonia and what he looked like now. He did not look at all as if a soul lingered in the body. He looked dead, reminded me of one of those wax figures in museums. They would keep him on life support if we changed our mind and decided to keep him that way. Or sis would change the paperwork back to DNR. Though we have our varying beliefs, the family believes we have souls and that our souls need to move on after death, that keeping a body artificially alive forces the soul that has left the body to hang around its body attached by an energy cord, unable to leave to go to heaven. We also believe that there is such a thing as miracles but in this case we all felt a peace, that it was his time to go and therefore felt horrified that his sould was not free to go. Mom had passed on 7 yrs before, he was the last living parent but having him on life support, we knew that just having his body to look at for how ever many months or years, would only delay the inevitable.
For you, have everyone you know be praying. Asking for Gods will, if this not was meant to happen and Gods plan is for him to live longer cus he has more things yet to do, then ask God to do His miracle and bring him back totally healthy without any problems the doctors predict but God must act within the 2 day limit. If it was his time to go and there is no healing, then its time to let him go. I really believe that the miracle part happens when a death by any means has come too early and there is much that person must yet experience and do in life. I have read of many stories where against all odds a person recovers.
The stories of a person meant to die and somehow didn't are not as often shared. I knew a family from church in process of moving to Arizona. They needed more time to pack. He was a bus driver and planned to work up to the day they left. At the last moment, he asked for just one day off to finish packing. He was meant to die that day. But taking the day off he didn't. His replacement took on a passenger who sat down for about 5 minutes but then walked up to the driver, waving a gun around and fighting with the driver, then shot the driver and the bus went off the overpass they were on and fell to the ground below. Between the gunshot and the crash, the driver did not survive. This friend moves to AZ. One day I get a call asking for prayer. He was just blocks from home on his motorcycle when a car driving too fast through the quiet neighborhood hit him head on. He was in ICU, almost died but pulled through. This was within a Year of other incident. Then another year later, he accidently shoots himself while starting to clean one of his guns.We knew him to be very serious about gun safety, checking for any remaining bullets before proceeding to clean but in that process, the gun went off and he was killed. Death was delayed several times but he was meant to go early, why, we don't know but I have guessed that God wanted the wife and girls to experience something, important for their spiritual growth by not having him to lean on. they were all too dependant on him from what I knew so it could likely be the reason.
I share that story so that you know that no matter which way you decide, if it was meant to be your dad's time, then he will go one way or the other, now or years later through some other event while in a nursing home.

the thing is to be able to know for sure that it is his time to go. And when I am in an agitated worried state of mind, thats when I have the hardest time hearing clearly from God. If you are able to have the peace of mind to take him off life support, then you do not have to feel guilty. God will love you no matter what you decide.

To put things in perspective, 200 yrs ago anyone this happened to would have already been dead as we lacked the medical knowledge. Therefore, it is only because of todays medical knowledge that you find yourself in a situation to make a decision to keep his body alive or allow his spirit to go on to it's rest. But there is a limit to our medical knowledge. Drs are not able to fix him up and make him just as good as before.

So perhaps you may want to look at this as an issue of 'quality of life'. A person can have a debilitating disease, but still have their mind and memories and still be able to find joy in life. I cared as a caregiver for a female in her 30s paralysed from a car accident. She needed everyone to do things for her. But she had her mind. She was a lovely person, lots of humor, always cheery, a pleasure to be around. She found purpose in life.

If there is a chance of your dad being able to have at least his cognitive abilities and memories, then I'd say there is still reason for him to live. If he has no chance of that, from the results of brain scans, it seems likely, then there will be no way for him to experience life, even in a limited fashion.

A person as a vegetable doesn't experience any form of life anymore...so my personal opinion is that it seems silly to keep a body alive by life support. It serves no purpose other than to soothe the emotions of any loved ones and family members. Its a hard decision to make, and I have tried to give you many things to think about. Hopefully I havent confused you further.
If I had the choice to make over again, would I take my dad off life support? Yes I would stick with the decision we made together.

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My boyfriend(we'll just call him Tim) and I are in High School and we started dating Last Sunday Night and we have been good friends since Middle School. Don't tell me we are too young to be dating because I know people who have met their true love at the age of twelve. Anyways," Tim" has a good heart in him and he always does little things to show he cares and I appreciate those little things. Obviously, Tim is with me because I already make him happy but I feel like I need to do more in me and Tim's relationship. Also there is always School Staff watching us..in the halls, classrooms, outside, etc. Any suggestions? (:

What you mean by feeling you need to 'do more' could be interpreted a couple ways. But since you follow it with School Staff 'always watching', i assume this pertains to PDA's public displays of affection between students who are dating.
I do not know what you are already doing so what the school rules forbid so my suggestions, innocent through they may be, could be against the rules.
Under watching eyes, I would say holding hands and greeting each other with a hug should be appropriate. If it's a Christian school or in the bible belt area, they may not even like dating at all which could explain why you sound defensive at the beginning, not wanting anyone to say you are too young for dating.
If you would like to know how to flirt by touch, in innocent ways read the following link. If I have this all wrongly interpreted, please explain better what you need as I'd like to help.

http://www.wikihow.com/Touch-a-Guy

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Hi, this is quite long, so please bear with me.

I got this FWB, with whom I had sex once before. We met online, on his online profile he said that he was 35. I'm 25, so 35 is my maximum age.

Anyway, I went to my FWB's place yesterday and found out that he's in his early 40s. I felt a little distrust, but because he was otherwise nice and hot, I ignored it. We went for dinner and played pool with his friends, and I said that the fact that everyone knew him in this city was just like going out with my dad, who is a university professor (wherever we go, there are always his students recognizing him). And he glared at me teasingly, making me explain that I didn't mean that he was like a father to me.

Anyway, after playing pool, we went to his place, as we've discussed per text earlier. But when we get into bed, he only cuddled me, and showed no sign whatsoever to have sex. So I asked, when are we planning on going forward with our "experiment". He has lots of toys and into light bondage, and I'm eager to try it out and in our texts, he has always been eager to tie me up and use them on me. But when I asked him that, he only hugged me even tighter, and just said "you're so sweet that I... you're gonna find a boyfriend.." and held me there, my head on his chest, one hand stroking my shoulder, the other on my head, rubbing a spot on the back of my head with a finger. I got the impression of it being a protective gesture.

So we just cuddled the whole night. And in the morning, when we were spooning, there was no morning wood. I cupped his hand on my breast, and he pressed his crotch towards my butt, and I felt him getting kinda hard. He kept squeezing me tight, and kissed my shoulder, so I turned around to face him. But when I turned around and my head was on his chest again, he fell asleep, went soft again, and snored. I was like "what the...?"

When we finally got out of bed, I asked him again, whether he didn't want to have sex because of my comment about my father. He said no, it was because I was so nice and sweet and again, that I will find a boyfriend. Not because of me, but because I was so nice.

I'm still confused. I asked him again whether he was lying about the reason to not have sex with me and he didn't seem like lying. However, my insecurities just screamed to me that maybe he's not attracted to me after all.

What do you think? Would a guy really not want sex because he thinks the girls is too "nice"? Could it be that he had developed protective feelings toward me? Or was he lying about all that and is in fact, not attracted to me after all? Were my insecurities making me think too much here?

I feel like I can't get a boyfriend, but at least I can still get sex, and to me it's kind of a confidence boost. And he has a big d***, I really wanted him inside me. I now feel like I've lost my FWB. We still agreed to be friends, but I wanted the benefits too. So when I went back home, I felt rejected and it hurts and I dropped a tear or two. Pathetic, I know. Help?

If it is as you said, He has certain sexual preferences, things he is into that you weren't already into. But you were willing try. Somewhere along the line, his conscience started talking and making him feel like it wasn't fair of him to introduce you to something you wouldn't be doing if you hadn't met him. In the little times he's gotten to know you, perhaps he sees something in you, where he is afraid you would stop looking for that guy to marry or might just not notice the right one when he comes along because you are distracted with him? Who's to know what he is thinking and why. I am pretty sure he was attracted to you, that is not the issue. It's not the fact that he doesnt find you attractive or sexy anymore but the fact that you still are while his mind began going off on another track and he could not combine the two together in his mind.
Who do guys like to picture in their minds as sweet, innocent and nice? Some females who fit that picture are their sisters, mom, nieces, cousins or daughters. They can have a hard time seeing any of these loved ones as a sexual creature. My guess is something about you may have reminded him of some relative like that and once his mind was thinking of you along those tracks, he could no longer go back to seeing you as he had before, as a friend with benefits and therefore it made it harder for him to carry through with the sex part of the relationship.
Don't feel rejected dear. That man sounds like someone with a conscience and strong convictions.
If he isn't able or willing to get past the line of thinking that brought him to this point, then all he will be willing to be to you is a good male friend. So start the search for another friend with benefits. It doesnt mean he has to stop being a friend, you just wont' spend as much time with him. Keep in touch via phone, facebook and visit for non sexual dates out for coffee or lunch.

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First, the backstory. I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. I have 4 children from a previous marriage and 1 child with him. She is going to be 2. I am 31. We live together. I am very much in love with everything about my boyfriend but one thing. He's addicted to Roxys and at this point, i think any pill he can sniff up his nose. He's not wanting to stop. No, he wasn't doing it the first almost year we lived together. But, when he did start doing it, he hid it from me. Then stopped. Then hid it again a few months after. Then stopped. Then, he hid it again a few weeks after. He hasn't stopped. Now, he's open about it. His excuse, because he no longer wanted to lie to me. At that point though, the damage is already done so him still doing the very thing he lied to me about doesn't make me or I feel allow me to trust him at all. I know I can leave at any time. But, as stated, I love him. It is very difficult to stand here and go everyday asking if he still has money, if he's done a pill, what he's done while I was working. (I do not give him anymore money after finding out he wouldn't get help. Not even for cigarettes or gas for the car we both use) Now, that I've gone back to work and fix the mess of debt I've put myself in trying to cover all our family's expenses. I just can't even fully focus on what I'm doing at work without wondering if he's on a pill or buying or selling them with our daughter around him. He hangs out with people who do the same type of drugs he does. So of course, I don't trust them either. My goal is to get out of this debt and move our family as far away from his bad influences. But, I think he would honestly take the possible 2 to 3 hour drive just to buy 1 stupid pill. He knows he's getting us in more financial trouble. He knows these pills are making his testosterone practically non existant. He calls himself all kinds of names. Like screw up, low life, horrible person... he says he can't stop. He says it's like he's trapped. He says he doesn't want to go to rehab because it won't work. (He's never been. But some of his friends have) My question is this, how can I get him to stop? I just really want him back like he was when he wasnt on drugs. When he helped me out financially and didn't make me feel like I'm losing him daily to this new life he's chosen to keep. I don't want to leave him. I want him to get help and it work. I want him to stop.

You said it right, I'm losing him daily to this new life he's chosen to keep.

And the key word is "chosen". This is his choice. People can change for the better but most of us don't because change is scary, the unknown is scary, so it is easier to choose to avoid making the good decisions, to care more about loved ones and make plans that are in their best interest, and to try to hide from whatever hurts or abuse is hidden in our past or just cop out on the pressures of living in the economic times we have. When people turn to drugs or alcohol, they are giving up, hiding out and the drugs or alcohol helps them to numb up, conk out or forget a little but it never lasts for long and the relief and freedom from what they are trying to avoid is still there, they cannot escape it so they have to take more and more. that is not really living. The person who tries to avoid change, changes whether they like it or not, unfortunately, because of drugs or alcohol, the change is for the worse.
No one can make a person change, the awful outside influences can not make a person change or give up, it's what happens inside their head, in their mind. There is nothing you can do to make him change how he thinks. The change has to come from within him, usually if change comes, it doesnt until a person hits rock bottom. And he's not there yet, life seems fairly normal because you and the kids are still there. You don't want to leave but you may not have a choice. Sometimes a person has to leave and break it off with someone they love because the person using mind altering substances is in a downward spiral and will take any people they are in relationship with, down that spiral too. You may never take drugs but the reality is, it is a financial drain and it can take its toll and leave you with too many bills unpaid, no place to live, stress related illness from carrying the load.
When it comes to loved ones stuck in a rut, if they are not willing to go to for drug or alcohol treatment, then there is nothing you can do. You can only be emotional encouragement if they were working hard on getting better.
I know a guy friend who told me he had to get a divorce because his wife he married used to be an ex drug addict but clean when they met. 10 yrs later, he accidently comes accross drugs she had hidden at home. SHe had been dipping into their savings to pay for her habit and had kept it hidden from him for about a year. He confronted her and she promised to stop and get help. She attended a treatment facility not intending the change but just pacify husband and get him off her back, and not snooping around anymore. It didn't work for long cus once out of treatment, she needed money for her drugs and their saving were gone so she started selling off stuff she didnt think he'd notice and began to not pay bills, it got so bad that home and cars were about to be repossessed and his credit was shot and no one would give him loans because he was tied to her legally by marriage, so he had to divorce her. Once he did, he never looked back. He had rebuilt his life at the point I met him and he had a wonderful girlfriend.
I know its not what what you wanted to hear. But truly there is nothing you can do but ask him to really get help and to really want it if you and the kids are to stay with him. Its not a safe or healthy environment for the kids. He cant be trusted to make the best decisions while on drugs for his kids no matter if he loves it. Drugs can turn him into a totally different person. There are many a parent in jail for doing something while on drugs that jeopardized their childrens lives or they actually killed them while not in a clear mind untouched by drugs or alcohol.
Deep down you already know he is not ready to try to change because you said, I think he would honestly take the possible 2 to 3 hour drive just to buy 1 stupid pill.
The best thing you can do is to seek proffesional counsel yourself to ask what can be done to protect yourself and the kids. It may take talking to a lawyer to know what options you have.
Otherwise, you stay with him until you get to your breaking point, what ever that may be. It is best to leave before then because who knows what damages could be done to you and the kids mentally and emotionally or even physically from the stress or heaven forbid, a drug sale gone bad that erupts into a killing spree with you or the kids in the crossfires. You dont want to really wait until that point to finally realize you should have parted ways sooner.
If you part ways and he does get help and really improves of course you all can get back together. But thats a big IF he really heals and changes.

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My 21st birthday is in a week and a half. I have no close friends who I want to spend it with... and my family is in another country.

I want to have a memorable 21st birthday because all my other birthdays were crappy. I don't want to be alone so I'm asking my boyfriend to be with me that night. but I doubt he has any plans for us. What should I do? He's only 20 so he can't come with me to bars or clubs. I dont want to spend the night "in' watching movies. we always do that.

I dont want to get my hopes up about somebody planning a party or a fun event because it NEVER turns out the way I expected and it just always turns into a disaster.

help!

The only problem I see here is that because of unhappy past birthdays, your subconscious mind has formed a picture of what a happy memorable birthday is supposed to look like.
If it wasn't for the fact that this particular day is your birthday, what would you do on any average day, to have an extremely fun time?

Forget that fact that it is your birthday because just the focus on it will cause you to possibly not see the solutions or be willing to try them.
What kind of things do you and he find fun to do? Is there something the both of you would like to try that you have never done?
Or perhaps there's something you don't necessarily have a yearning to try, but anything new could turn out to be a bunch of fun.

For example, when I was dating, this guy and I were at his place, trying to decide what to do that evening, somewhere to go. A male friend of mine who has also been a dance partner for me called to ask If I wanted to go dancing. I told him I was on a date or that we were deciding where to go. He said to tell the guy it is Zydeco music. When I told him he lit up and said he loved that kind of music. So we followed the directions and met my friend there. And before the music started was a 20 minute free lesson on how to dance the basic Zydeco style. It was so easy you didn't have to think hard about it. I had soooo much fun trying something I'd never done before.
Another thing i found as a very fun event and stands out is the one time I went to a comedy club. I am sure if you both really gave it some thought, you could come up with something that will make it a memorable day and be something other than just going out to dinner.

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i am from India. I am 21 years old. i met this guy two and a half months before and we turned out to be very good friends. after one month, i realized that this person is falling for me. i ignored this fact to the greatest extent possible. but now his behavior is changing. and now i miss all those things which he used to do for me. no doubt, he still does everything which i tell him to do. many a times i become possessive for him and even after knowing this fact, he continues to do whatever i say. he calls me whenever i ask him to. in short, he rarely makes efforts from his side. but equally he never ignores what i tell him. suggest me what should i do now and is it right for me to continue making the efforts from my level..?

Dating is for spending more time together to see if the initial attraction had to become friends or boyfriend/girlfriend can go beyond just the attraction stage.
At the start of every possible new relationship, there is something called NRE New Relationship Energy. It's an extra heightened way of feelings and emotions. Every look, touch, action, thing said, is felt more strongly during this time.
NRE lasts a couple months and then begins to subside.


Another way to think of it is if something dangerous or scary happened and made your heart race...because the adrenaline is pumping to help you be prepared to fight for your life. Once you've had the adrenaline pumping, it takes quite some time before you return to feeling normal.
So when NRE levels, like adrenaline, finally come back down, it is then you can see what realistically the relationship is made up of, what is there, and what is not there.
We can be attracted only to discover we lose interest weeks later.
If he has pulled away, you need to find out if its due to being busy with studies or work and not having the time to invest with you, or if his feelings and interest level in you has changed.
Perhaps his personality is one where he is willing to always lend a hand to anyone who asks and right now you are the only one asking at the time. That does not mean his heart is into you.

How do you feel about him? That question is equally important. What exactly do you want in a guy? If you dont know, you better figure it out quickly, otherwise you are no better off than a piece of driftwood willing to let the tides determine which beach it washes up on, whether it likes the beach or not. Feelings of possesiveness are not feelings of love no matter how strong they may feel. A possession is a thing, an item that belongs to you, you own it. I have a collection of books on herbalism in my possession. I possess two vehicles, one van, one small car. The possession indicates ownership.
People can not be owned like a possession. I am sure you know that, but feelings of jealousy can come up... not matter what we know. At those those you must tell yourself, "I can not own him, he can only decide to devote his love to me solely. I can not demand the love, force him to love me or blackmail him for it. It must come of his own free will or it is not love, but owner and master. When one is stronger or controls more in a relationship, the relationship will be out of balance. Only you can determine if that is the case here. Relationships where both parties are not putting in equal effort are doomed to fail, its a matter of time before that happens.
It's not whether its a right thing for you to make efforts or a wrong thing...its whether you feel there is a reason to continue to keep him in your life and what status level you want to keep him for, as a friend or as a romantic partner.
Only you can answer those questions dear.

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there is this tutor I work with in the tutoring lab in college. She's great and a wonderful person to be around with. My class ended a few months ago but I saw her around campus recently and I like to chat with her if I can though I am really nervous and can't really talk well. . I can not go up and talk to anyone for just conversational purposes unless they talk to me first. That is how I made friends. This is honestly annoying the crap out of me


I just had a dream of her showing up at my house to give me something. I then invited her inside and we chatted about things and then I showed her around and things I do and stuff I did. Then in the end when she left I though "I can send her a friend request now" I remember being sad that it was only a dream. I wonder what this dream means. I guess it means I like her and want to be her friend. I don't want to do anything romantically because she is older (28 and I am 22) and engaged. I mean that, hell I didn't even do anything sexual in the dream. Still I think I think I have a crush on her, as I am now thinking about her almost non stop and in school I always am hoping to run into her or even just get a glimpse of her sometimes even devoting some time to do so. But since she is engaged, I need to crush this crush, but I am not sure how.

Its your conscious mind that wants to know how to stop this but at saame time your subconscious mind that is so hung up on her and has the emotional attachment.
The easiest way to stop your subconscious from forcing you to continue on this way is to have a hypnotist make suggestions to it of entirely different actions and feelings.
It may take several sessions. Depends how willingly and cooperative both minds are on the process.
There may be ways to do the same your self but it will only be generalized attempted and may not get to the root of the issue of why there is such an attachment to begin with. The process I am thinking of is called EFT tapping, Emotional Freedom Technique. My favorite person to follow in this technique goes by the name Brad Yates. You can find him on You tube. Do a search for 'EFT tapping Brad Yates" and go through all his videos until you find a few titles that look like they may come close to being the issues you are facing.

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I am from india
Whom wth m loving he s nt loving me
Bt m loves so much
Since 8years
still nw m nt meet him alone
How did know he becomes my lifepatner

It is very hard to understand what you are trying to ask. You are concerned about being with someone who does not love you. Then I see no reason to remain with the person other than to have basic cares taken care of, your livelihood, food, clothes and a roof over your head.
I assume you mean that you know each other since you were 8 yrs old. What you were like as a child has no bearing on the adult relationship since people grow and mature as they get older. So how long you have known a person will not add quality to a relationship if that is what you are asking.

Not sure who meets him alone and what is meant by that and how it fits in to the questions you have.

I can not answer for you how any person can know ahead of time for sure if someone will become their life partner. No one can know 100% for sure unless perhaps they are psychic and 100% accurate on everything in the past that they have sensed or seen in their minds.
A person might know what type of person they are looking for so when they meet someone that comes very close to meeting that list in their mind, then they believe this person might be a good possibility but they can not know 100% that the person will become their mate because the other person might refuse. If one person will not take no for an answer and persues another until that person is worn down from saying no and resisting and finally gives in, that is not love. You can not force a love relationship into existance.
I hope I have helped some. But unless you get a better translator, thats the best I or anyone else can do.

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I had someone it to me but dont know what it means

another example that might help, taking a person for granted, especially family and friends, is assuming they will always be there, so using mom for example no matter if you're teen or an adult...the nice things mom always does for you, always thinking of you, ready to encourage you when life gets tough, great at cheering you up, etc....You can get so used to it that you no longer notice how special it is...until it's gone. We have no guarantee a person will be around tomorrow...they could die early in an accident, or in old age when their time comes.
Even marriages...lets say the guy doesn't treat her very special, when he's had a bad day he dumps on her, he's critical and ignores her alot. He assumes because they have a marriage license and she doesn't have a job and relies on him for her livlihood that she'll always be there for him. But one day, she may decide she's tired of not being appreciared and loved and taken for granted, so she leaves him and divorces him.
Always be the kind of person who does not ignore the tiny little details about the other person, notice them, compliment them, encourage and uphold them, be there for them.

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Hi Dragonfly, I'm the girl who asked the other two questions about her boyfriend (The first one was about if he's the one I should marry and the second question was about him not having sex with me for a week). I finally broke down and asked him why he hadn't sex with me in a week and he said it was because he was waiting for me to want to have sex with him because he knew the last couple times were painful for me and that I should never feel bad and that he wanted me to ask him any time I felt that way because it was never about him trying to guilt trip me or anything he just didn't want to hurt me or push sex on me when I didn't want it.

Well we had sex that night and it didn't hurt as much (and I didn't bleed) because he took a little more time with me beforehand but I also didn't feel anything. I mean it wasn't good and it wasn't bad and now I'm confused because I feel like I should be getting some sort of pleasure from it if it didn't hurt right? I mean I felt the movements inside of me but that's it.

It was also kind of quick though and he was done in a couple minutes which he apologized for and said he was sorry that it was over so fast but that he was just so turned on and he hadn't had me in too long but he rated the sex a 10. (We rate things all the time 1-10 lol)

I don't know what to think. Is it possible there's something wrong with me that I didn't feel any enjoyment from it or was it just not long enough for me to feel anything?


I mean I've heard of girls actually having something wrong with them physically that kept them from receiving pleasure from sexual acts and I'm wondering if it's not something like that...

Haaha, we rate things like that too, mostly the orgasms for strength.

I have not heard anything about females having something wrong with them where they couldn't receive pleasure.
BUT, and this is a big But...two people can be lacking sexual chemistry, you know the spark where a girl can say, I felt something when he looked at me, i felt something when he kissed me, touched me, or when we had sex. Without that spark, the sexual act is just going to be mechanical, going through the act. It doesnt mean anythings wrong with either person. Its that chemical makeup of the person and the pheremones they let off that are not a match, like trying to mix oil and water.
Can we get the spark if its lacking?
NO...there is nothing you can do, its either there or not. this is like asking how can I change my genetics?
What you can do is to improve techniques.
ONe thing that must be done is for the guy to work on himself so he doesn't ejaculate so fast. There are certain excercises a man can do to retrain himself so he can control it and hold back until you've been totally pleasured. While a man will come usually just the once, a woman is capable of having one orgasm after the other.
Here's a liknk to what he can do, and none of them require you, he must do these on his own and in 4 weeks the problem should be gone:

http://www.livestrong.com/article/25394-exercise-helps-prevent-premature-ejaculation/

Now as for you, what the two of you can do is study about how to attain a g-spot orgasm in you. ALL women are capable of having this but not all are capable of female ejaculation with it. So here's something to get you both started. Both of you must watch both videos over and over or until you have a firm idea in your mind of how both the male and female genitals work. The videos are done by a medical school in Oregon and are quite entertaining, not boring at all.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WVL_GudwAOI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BnEJ6bcVFsI&list=TLoW5IytjE5Qs

Then Dr. Oz talks about it. A short clip but the big message here is it takes about 10-15 minutes of working on the area to get to a g-spot orgasm.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b03oZ2PfP24

Its not a quick thing so if a man can not learn to work on a female for 15 min to get the first one and then for the next half hour to continue so she can have consecutive ones, before he allows himself to do so, then he's the wrong man to be with to enjoy sex with, especially if he has no patience and no desire to learn patience.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yz68K2qAlkE

Start searching for more videos on g spot orgasm and once a female is able to do these with the man helping by stimulating it with his finger, then there is a chance that he may be able to stimulate the A-spot with the end of his penis. The A spot is on the same wall of the vagina, just further in, and right before the cervix. But the ability to have these orgasms must be introduced to her body first, it must become used to the g spot ones before she can experience the other at times (not always) with the man inside her. I have been with men who I had no chemistry with, just for a sex partner until I found some to fall in love with. And it is very possible with practice for both of you to still achieve good orgasms even if there is no chemistry.

A-spot info is available in on line searches also. Look particularly for you tube videos where you have diagrams and models to look at to see what they are talking about.


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First, the backstory. I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. I have 4 children from a previous marriage and 1 child with him. She is going to be 2. I am 31. We live together. I am very much in love with everything about my boyfriend but one thing. He's addicted to Roxys and at this point, i think any pill he can sniff up his nose. He's not wanting to stop. No, he wasn't doing it the first almost year we lived together. But, when he did start doing it, he hid it from me. Then stopped. Then hid it again a few months after. Then stopped. Then, he hid it again a few weeks after. He hasn't stopped. Now, he's open about it. His excuse, because he no longer wanted to lie to me. At that point though, the damage is already done so him still doing the very thing he lied to me about doesn't make me or I feel allow me to trust him at all. I know I can leave at any time. But, as stated, I love him. It is very difficult to stand here and go everyday asking if he still has money, if he's done a pill, what he's done while I was working. (I do not give him anymore money after finding out he wouldn't get help. Not even for cigarettes or gas for the car we both use) Now, that I've gone back to work and fix the mess of debt I've put myself in trying to cover all our family's expenses. I just can't even fully focus on what I'm doing at work without wondering if he's on a pill or buying or selling them with our daughter around him. He hangs out with people who do the same type of drugs he does. So of course, I don't trust them either. My goal is to get out of this debt and move our family as far away from his bad influences. But, I think he would honestly take the possible 2 to 3 hour drive just to buy 1 stupid pill. He knows he's getting us in more financial trouble. He knows these pills are making his testosterone practically non existant. He calls himself all kinds of names. Like screw up, low life, horrible person... he says he can't stop. He says it's like he's trapped. He says he doesn't want to go to rehab because it won't work. (He's never been. But some of his friends have) My question is this, how can I get him to stop? I just really want him back like he was when he wasnt on drugs. When he helped me out financially and didn't make me feel like I'm losing him daily to this new life he's chosen to keep. I don't want to leave him. I want him to get help and it work. I want him to stop.

I agree with every point Adviceman made. It is exactly what I would have said. I want add something, to point out that there is nothing we can do to change another person because changas lone must come from within. The reason rehab did not work for his friends is that they did not attend for the right reasons. Deep down in their subconscious mind, they did not want to let go, did not want to get better, and perhaps were hiding out from some previous pain, disappointments or fears in life.
When a person is really determined to change and improve and become a totally healthy person, then lending your support and love as you want to do here, is a great thing. But as was stated, he hasn't hit rock bottom and won't for sure as long as you are his safety net. I understand you love him but it may take a separation to wake him up and get his act together. But then again, it may not help. The children need safety during this time and one more thing they need is a good male influence in their life. Having a dad/step dad with his issues as an example is very damaging to a childs mental developement of what it is like to be a male, boys could decide to take the same path, or girls could decide it is okay to settle for a man like that to marry. What messages are getting through to your children. It doesnt matter if you tell them drugs are wrong...the stronger example and influence is the man they live with.

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You see the problem s yes t was abusive but things are complicated we do still feel the same but I hat been short tempered and I use to make fights happen for some reason he hated smoking and asked me to stop but I didn't want to we did not have GOD in our lives...and we do want to go on but he neds to get help first I dnt want to give up I just cannot that's not me he asked me to promise I will fight for him and I did I love him so much and I can't just give up I just can't not on what I love do you have whatsapp we can talk thre please

I have learned over lifetime how to have a successful relationship and have much advice to give however to make it easier and not re type every little piece, I went looking for an article that lists everything I would want to tell you, advice with examples. This article link, sounds like I had written it, though I didn't. So it all stands true for me and I can tell you it works.
So if you need an example that may not be given in article or more clarification on any particular point, let me know. Good luck!

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