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Need help with friends with benefits?
Hi, this is quite long, so please bear with me.
I got this FWB, with whom I had sex once before. We met online, on his online profile he said that he was 35. I'm 25, so 35 is my maximum age.
Anyway, I went to my FWB's place yesterday and found out that he's in his early 40s. I felt a little distrust, but because he was otherwise nice and hot, I ignored it. We went for dinner and played pool with his friends, and I said that the fact that everyone knew him in this city was just like going out with my dad, who is a university professor (wherever we go, there are always his students recognizing him). And he glared at me teasingly, making me explain that I didn't mean that he was like a father to me.
Anyway, after playing pool, we went to his place, as we've discussed per text earlier. But when we get into bed, he only cuddled me, and showed no sign whatsoever to have sex. So I asked, when are we planning on going forward with our "experiment". He has lots of toys and into light bondage, and I'm eager to try it out and in our texts, he has always been eager to tie me up and use them on me. But when I asked him that, he only hugged me even tighter, and just said "you're so sweet that I... you're gonna find a boyfriend.." and held me there, my head on his chest, one hand stroking my shoulder, the other on my head, rubbing a spot on the back of my head with a finger. I got the impression of it being a protective gesture.
So we just cuddled the whole night. And in the morning, when we were spooning, there was no morning wood. I cupped his hand on my breast, and he pressed his crotch towards my butt, and I felt him getting kinda hard. He kept squeezing me tight, and kissed my shoulder, so I turned around to face him. But when I turned around and my head was on his chest again, he fell asleep, went soft again, and snored. I was like "what the...?"
When we finally got out of bed, I asked him again, whether he didn't want to have sex because of my comment about my father. He said no, it was because I was so nice and sweet and again, that I will find a boyfriend. Not because of me, but because I was so nice.
I'm still confused. I asked him again whether he was lying about the reason to not have sex with me and he didn't seem like lying. However, my insecurities just screamed to me that maybe he's not attracted to me after all.
What do you think? Would a guy really not want sex because he thinks the girls is too "nice"? Could it be that he had developed protective feelings toward me? Or was he lying about all that and is in fact, not attracted to me after all? Were my insecurities making me think too much here?
I feel like I can't get a boyfriend, but at least I can still get sex, and to me it's kind of a confidence boost. And he has a big d***, I really wanted him inside me. I now feel like I've lost my FWB. We still agreed to be friends, but I wanted the benefits too. So when I went back home, I felt rejected and it hurts and I dropped a tear or two. Pathetic, I know. Help?
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You screwed it up. Not something to beat yourself up over, but it seriously was the words you chose.
Men who date women significantly younger than them do it for one of two reasons. Either A) They have a daddy/daughter type age fantasy or B) They want to feel your age instead of theirs.
Your guy appears to be Type II. He wanted to have sex with a 25 year old so that he would feel 25 again. And you made him feel old. If it had been an attractiveness problem, he would have either made an excuse and gotten his friends in on it, or he would have tried and failed to have sex, or succeeded in having sex and never called you again.
Protective gesture, you made him feel like an old man with a young girl. Ridiculous, you're 25, more than old enough to fuck anyone of any age you want, but it doesn't change his reality.
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If it is as you said, He has certain sexual preferences, things he is into that you weren't already into. But you were willing try. Somewhere along the line, his conscience started talking and making him feel like it wasn't fair of him to introduce you to something you wouldn't be doing if you hadn't met him. In the little times he's gotten to know you, perhaps he sees something in you, where he is afraid you would stop looking for that guy to marry or might just not notice the right one when he comes along because you are distracted with him? Who's to know what he is thinking and why. I am pretty sure he was attracted to you, that is not the issue. It's not the fact that he doesnt find you attractive or sexy anymore but the fact that you still are while his mind began going off on another track and he could not combine the two together in his mind.
Who do guys like to picture in their minds as sweet, innocent and nice? Some females who fit that picture are their sisters, mom, nieces, cousins or daughters. They can have a hard time seeing any of these loved ones as a sexual creature. My guess is something about you may have reminded him of some relative like that and once his mind was thinking of you along those tracks, he could no longer go back to seeing you as he had before, as a friend with benefits and therefore it made it harder for him to carry through with the sex part of the relationship.
Don't feel rejected dear. That man sounds like someone with a conscience and strong convictions.
If he isn't able or willing to get past the line of thinking that brought him to this point, then all he will be willing to be to you is a good male friend. So start the search for another friend with benefits. It doesnt mean he has to stop being a friend, you just wont' spend as much time with him. Keep in touch via phone, facebook and visit for non sexual dates out for coffee or lunch.
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Look, relationships are hard. That includes FWBs.
Also, relationships only work when two people want the same (or very similar) things.
It always hurts when someone you want one kind of relationship with, doesn't want the same thing. It's okay that it hurst.
This guy didn't want the same thing as you. Chances are that had very little to do with you, and more to do with his own baggage. 40 somethings are not magically well-adjusted people who know what they want just cause they are a bit older. They are just about as fucked up and confused as anyone else. Not everyone is cut out for a FWBs relationship, even if they think they are.
Don't be his friend moving forward unless you truly want to be his FRIEND.
If you want a FWB, look for someone else.
But don't kid yourself: Finding a one night stand is easy. Finding a good FWB is about as hard as finding a boyfriend. That's what relationships are. They are hard.
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