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Friend Selfishness
(Female, 13) I have 2 friend groups who I hang out with, one is funny and the other is popular ish and funny. The one who I used to hang out with way more was the first, but there is a girl in there who takes up all the attention I could be getting and is way better and prettier than me and who has many suitors. She makes me feel like I am her shadow, especially because we both draw and she is more talented and is very recognized for it. I hate myself because if her, and have been cutting since 12. I decided to leave the group for my other, and hang out with them at our only social time,lunch. I sit by them. Ever since, I have felt way better and it is really fun over there. My old group is convinced they use people and are mean, and blackmails me into coming back. My old friend who made me hate myself acrually seems a tiny bit sadder that I am gone. I texted 2 members of my old group about it and made it worse, so in the end I just apoligized for existing and left. I dont know who to hang out with. Old group or new?
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It doesn't matter what group you hang out with. If you have a low self image of yourself and are always comparing yourself to others...thats not necessarily a teen thing...that issue can follow you into adult hood and make the rest of your entire life miserable no matter who you hang with, no matter what recognition or awards you earn.
What I think is that you need to realize that people are different. Its okay to be different and not have the same talents or same level of a same talent as someone else. Both teens and adults, but you'll especially notice this with adults...we all have our own tastes and preferences. People have different tastes in food. It could be the creation of a world famous chef but when I take a bite, I may think it's gross. That does not make the food bad, many will like it but its not to my liking. Adults will stop dressing like their peers and find their own style regarding clothes and hair, etc... How many parents won't like it if their teen gets their hair dyed green and cut in a mohawk? there's nothing wrong with that, the teens are expressing their person taste and the parents their personal dislike of it. This goes for every area of life..including arts and talents. There are differing tastes in art. I will never be able to paint something to look almost as real as a photograph. But I paint and do so for myself. However I have had several visitors to the home who wished they had one of my pieces. So I don't have the recognition of a great amount of society but I don't need that to validate my art, myself or my tastes.
Another area that girls are especially affected is in how they look and thinking they aren't pretty enough. That saying "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder," is very true.
It means that you can do a survey of 12 random men out on the street as to what type of female they are attracted to most in looks and you will get 12 different answers. Some men do not like thin skinny girls. And yes there are some men who do not like big boobs. During the teen years, some of the girls who are more popular cus they've developed faster and perhaps have more curves, are going to catch the attention of young boys who are just beginning to feel the affects of puberty and hormones going crazy. Once they get past puberty, they will begin to develope their own personal tastes. Some men like the natural look, no makeup, the girl next door look, the gal who looks like she's just been out hiking rather than competing in a beauty pageant.
If you can get yourself past this way of stinking thinking regarding yourself, you'll be fine. But it isn't always so easy in practice.
One thing you will find is that when you try to become aware of each negative thought, you will realize they vastly outweigh the good thoughts and that is enough to stress you out, and make you depressed enough to cut. Each time you get a thought thaat you're not good enough or not as popular, tell yourself "I take that negative thought captive. I will not believe that. I am actually a very bright, talented person and have those who appreciate me for myself and love my talents." It wont be but a minute or two after saying that when you catch your subconscious mind dwelling on a negative thought again. Say your counter active thing again. I read this in a book from a psychologist years ago. It does work but it is horribly hard work at first. If you find yourself getting nowhere with this self help approach, then you may want to ask parent and school counselors about seeing a psychologist.
It is true that cutting can become a nasty habit and hard to kick. However it will be easier to kick it if you are working in some way on your thought processes. This is something no one else can do for you.
The girl you are jealous of I'll bet has not intentionally done anything to make you feel bad, you are the one who by your thoughts makes yourself feel bad when around her. Its easier to blame someone else for causing us to feel bad because of something they did. However, another truth in life you best learn now rather than later is that we always have a choice of how we respond to anything in life. We can respond positively or negatively. You have been choosing to respond negatively mostly in your mind but at times you have possibly let your sour feelings out and dumped on others or said things that hurt others. People around you and in your life are not going to understand your moods, or actions because they are not mind readers and have no clue what battle you have going on in your mind that might cause you to act that way. Being your friends are as inexperienced in life as you, they will likely just react to an action in ways that only make the situation worse. If you'd like to talk more, give me a note on my column or write a new question to the advice column in general.
I wish you the best dear. The teen years are tough, learning to know who we are, and gaining our self confidence. I was actually very shy back then which made it all the harder. At least it sounds like you don't have that to deal with so you're way ahead of me. You do very well at expressing yourself in writing. I think you may have a writing talent you are unaware of.
Good luck!
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I'm first going to address the cutting.
You should not be cutting, for any reason. There are tons of people who do it, you're not alone. This can become more of a problem than you think. You need to talk to a counselor. They are there for you and they will help with your problems.
You need to hang out with people who make you happy. Be yourself, love yourself and hang out with good people who not only support you, but keep you on track and are there for you.
If the people in your old group aren't that, then don't hang out with them.
Your old friend, why does she make you hate yourself? Is it just because she's good at things you're good at? Or was she seriously a bad friend? If she was a bad friend, then you know it was right to cut her and whoever else wasn't a good friend to you out.
If you just don't like yourself just because she's good at things you're good at, you need to start rethinking some things. I'm just going to say, there will always be people who are better than you at something. You just need to be happy with yourself and who you are. Which you aren't, so that's why I recommend counseling. As far as I know, it just sounds like you are jealous of the other girl by saying, "There is a girl in there who takes up all the attention I could be getting."
I mean you don't want to pick your friends based on if they aren't as pretty as you or they aren't better than you at something. That's shallow.
This is all just middle school drama. It's not even high school drama.
Don't apologize for existing. That is dramatic and you have no reason to say that to anyone.
In the end, choose friends who are good to you, are there for you, are supportive and make sure that you stay on the right track. Whichever group that may be, hang out with them.
Also, look into counseling, therapy, anything. Cutting is a serious problem that shouldn't be taken lightly. You need professional help before it gets even worse.
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You're 13, Peer pressure is everywhere at this age.
Just because someone can draw better does not mean she is better. Teenagers are stereotypical and loaded with drama. Apologizing for your existence? Why? This is the problem sweetie, It is not you, It never was you. If they can't except you as a person then fuck them. Popularity and talent is not what society is about, It's about being yourself and learning to be happy with who you are. Find new friends, Find friends who appreciate you for you. Nobody needs to be friends with assholes and don't ever let someone tell you no different. Ignore them and be yourself always.
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