|
I can't keep trusting my boyfriend who is a pill addict.
First, the backstory. I have been with my boyfriend for 3+ years. I have 4 children from a previous marriage and 1 child with him. She is going to be 2. I am 31. We live together. I am very much in love with everything about my boyfriend but one thing. He's addicted to Roxys and at this point, i think any pill he can sniff up his nose. He's not wanting to stop. No, he wasn't doing it the first almost year we lived together. But, when he did start doing it, he hid it from me. Then stopped. Then hid it again a few months after. Then stopped. Then, he hid it again a few weeks after. He hasn't stopped. Now, he's open about it. His excuse, because he no longer wanted to lie to me. At that point though, the damage is already done so him still doing the very thing he lied to me about doesn't make me or I feel allow me to trust him at all. I know I can leave at any time. But, as stated, I love him. It is very difficult to stand here and go everyday asking if he still has money, if he's done a pill, what he's done while I was working. (I do not give him anymore money after finding out he wouldn't get help. Not even for cigarettes or gas for the car we both use) Now, that I've gone back to work and fix the mess of debt I've put myself in trying to cover all our family's expenses. I just can't even fully focus on what I'm doing at work without wondering if he's on a pill or buying or selling them with our daughter around him. He hangs out with people who do the same type of drugs he does. So of course, I don't trust them either. My goal is to get out of this debt and move our family as far away from his bad influences. But, I think he would honestly take the possible 2 to 3 hour drive just to buy 1 stupid pill. He knows he's getting us in more financial trouble. He knows these pills are making his testosterone practically non existant. He calls himself all kinds of names. Like screw up, low life, horrible person... he says he can't stop. He says it's like he's trapped. He says he doesn't want to go to rehab because it won't work. (He's never been. But some of his friends have) My question is this, how can I get him to stop? I just really want him back like he was when he wasnt on drugs. When he helped me out financially and didn't make me feel like I'm losing him daily to this new life he's chosen to keep. I don't want to leave him. I want him to get help and it work. I want him to stop.
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I so hope you read this...I have been in your boyfriends shoes...no matter how much he wants to quit the stupid drugs will keep a hold of him...once you are hooked you are hooked...I am so strong in everything else in my life and it made me so mad at myself I just couldn't make myself quit those stupid pills (I got hooked after a back injury...never believed in drugs or even tried them before this) I am a responsible, hard worker perfectionist type personality too...but I couldn't beat this even though I wanted to so badly! Even after going through rehabs. Our town finally opened a methadone clinic...I went, tried it, and it saved my life! It is so different than I thought. My counselor explains it like this...a diabetic needs their insulin...and a drug addicted person needs their methadone. I have seen so many people come into the clinic who were street people steeling, couldn't hold down a job etc...they are totally changed...so am I...I take my medicine every morning and the rest of the day I feel normal and go to work and do things with the kids etc. No more spending all day making sure I have enough pills to last or where am I gonna get the money to buy more, or making excuses so the emergency room will give me pills. It's a life saver...maybe you can get him to go by telling him it'll be like going in and them giving you medicine every day and he won't have to in search of it...i'm telling you...you will get your old boyfriend back and even better...I can't tell you how many people I've seen who's lives have been saved from this...with rehab it's just totally quit and that's it...but once that trigger has been pulled...your brain missed it if it's not there, so I think just like a diabetic needs their insulin...the addicted brain needs this medicine or it'll be either thinking about it all the time, or searching for and taking whatever the person can find on the street...and that can only lead to horrible things...especially since you have children...you can't stay with him in the downward spiral unless he gets help one way or the other...it's just not worth your childrens lives...because no matter how much he might wanna change the drug will control him. Please have him try the methadone clinic...omg I can't tell you how it have saved my life! In so many ways...financial, family wise...job wise etc. I so wish you happiness and good luck...because I know how hard it can be.
]
You said it right, I'm losing him daily to this new life he's chosen to keep.
And the key word is "chosen". This is his choice. People can change for the better but most of us don't because change is scary, the unknown is scary, so it is easier to choose to avoid making the good decisions, to care more about loved ones and make plans that are in their best interest, and to try to hide from whatever hurts or abuse is hidden in our past or just cop out on the pressures of living in the economic times we have. When people turn to drugs or alcohol, they are giving up, hiding out and the drugs or alcohol helps them to numb up, conk out or forget a little but it never lasts for long and the relief and freedom from what they are trying to avoid is still there, they cannot escape it so they have to take more and more. that is not really living. The person who tries to avoid change, changes whether they like it or not, unfortunately, because of drugs or alcohol, the change is for the worse.
No one can make a person change, the awful outside influences can not make a person change or give up, it's what happens inside their head, in their mind. There is nothing you can do to make him change how he thinks. The change has to come from within him, usually if change comes, it doesnt until a person hits rock bottom. And he's not there yet, life seems fairly normal because you and the kids are still there. You don't want to leave but you may not have a choice. Sometimes a person has to leave and break it off with someone they love because the person using mind altering substances is in a downward spiral and will take any people they are in relationship with, down that spiral too. You may never take drugs but the reality is, it is a financial drain and it can take its toll and leave you with too many bills unpaid, no place to live, stress related illness from carrying the load.
When it comes to loved ones stuck in a rut, if they are not willing to go to for drug or alcohol treatment, then there is nothing you can do. You can only be emotional encouragement if they were working hard on getting better.
I know a guy friend who told me he had to get a divorce because his wife he married used to be an ex drug addict but clean when they met. 10 yrs later, he accidently comes accross drugs she had hidden at home. SHe had been dipping into their savings to pay for her habit and had kept it hidden from him for about a year. He confronted her and she promised to stop and get help. She attended a treatment facility not intending the change but just pacify husband and get him off her back, and not snooping around anymore. It didn't work for long cus once out of treatment, she needed money for her drugs and their saving were gone so she started selling off stuff she didnt think he'd notice and began to not pay bills, it got so bad that home and cars were about to be repossessed and his credit was shot and no one would give him loans because he was tied to her legally by marriage, so he had to divorce her. Once he did, he never looked back. He had rebuilt his life at the point I met him and he had a wonderful girlfriend.
I know its not what what you wanted to hear. But truly there is nothing you can do but ask him to really get help and to really want it if you and the kids are to stay with him. Its not a safe or healthy environment for the kids. He cant be trusted to make the best decisions while on drugs for his kids no matter if he loves it. Drugs can turn him into a totally different person. There are many a parent in jail for doing something while on drugs that jeopardized their childrens lives or they actually killed them while not in a clear mind untouched by drugs or alcohol.
Deep down you already know he is not ready to try to change because you said, I think he would honestly take the possible 2 to 3 hour drive just to buy 1 stupid pill.
The best thing you can do is to seek proffesional counsel yourself to ask what can be done to protect yourself and the kids. It may take talking to a lawyer to know what options you have.
Otherwise, you stay with him until you get to your breaking point, what ever that may be. It is best to leave before then because who knows what damages could be done to you and the kids mentally and emotionally or even physically from the stress or heaven forbid, a drug sale gone bad that erupts into a killing spree with you or the kids in the crossfires. You dont want to really wait until that point to finally realize you should have parted ways sooner.
If you part ways and he does get help and really improves of course you all can get back together. But thats a big IF he really heals and changes.
]
As everyone else said, you can't make him stop. He has to do it himself.
My mom was an alcoholic. She would hide it everywhere around the house. She'd sneak out in the middle of the night just to buy it. The things she ended up doing was ridiculous. She would go to the end of the earth to get her hands on it. My dad had to make the decision on whether or not it was good for him to stay with her. He cared about her and loved her and didn't want her to end up throwing her life away but he also knew he had to do what's right for him and for his kids.
She would go on saying that she wanted to stop but that she just couldn't. She didn't want to get help. She tried hypnotherapy, which helped but a few weeks later she slipped.
Rehab won't work unless he actually wanted to go in the first place.
She moved to Arizona to get away from some bad people here, which was better but she was still always drunk.
My dad wouldn't give her any money. So she ended up meeting a man who would give it to her. In the end, he ended up almost getting killed and that's when he realized that he can't just wait around for her to change.
My brother got involved with drugs. All kinds of drugs. He's 16. He ended up running away and has been in juvenile hall for 2 years.
We have tried to help both of them. You can't do it unless they want to. Once that man went to prison, my mom finally took initiative to get help. So she went to rehab.
He can't say it won't work until he tries it. He's going to have to try a lot of different things to find out what will and what won't work for him.
The situation is a little different for you. You have very young children. It's not right or safe for them to be around that. Until he changes, you shouldn't stay with him. Not just for you, but for your kids. The most you can do it buy him some self help books, encourage him to seek help and tell him that you can't stay with him unless it's completely over. You need to let him know that it isn't just about you and how you feel about it, it's about your kids.
So seriously, don't stay with someone who does this stuff. You don't want this kind of future for your family.
I made the decision not to date anyone who does drugs simply for the fact that I don't want my kids to have to deal with that. It ruins families and lives, you're experiencing that so you know exactly what I'm talking about.
You want to help him but he needs to help himself.
]
I agree with every point Adviceman made. It is exactly what I would have said. I want add something, to point out that there is nothing we can do to change another person because changas lone must come from within. The reason rehab did not work for his friends is that they did not attend for the right reasons. Deep down in their subconscious mind, they did not want to let go, did not want to get better, and perhaps were hiding out from some previous pain, disappointments or fears in life.
When a person is really determined to change and improve and become a totally healthy person, then lending your support and love as you want to do here, is a great thing. But as was stated, he hasn't hit rock bottom and won't for sure as long as you are his safety net. I understand you love him but it may take a separation to wake him up and get his act together. But then again, it may not help. The children need safety during this time and one more thing they need is a good male influence in their life. Having a dad/step dad with his issues as an example is very damaging to a childs mental developement of what it is like to be a male, boys could decide to take the same path, or girls could decide it is okay to settle for a man like that to marry. What messages are getting through to your children. It doesnt matter if you tell them drugs are wrong...the stronger example and influence is the man they live with.
]
Your boyfriend is truly a case of being able to lead a horse to water but you can't make the horse drink. As they would tell you in NA a branch of AA is that a person has to hit bottom before they will reach out and ask for help. Everyone's bottom is different and your boyfriend has not hit bottom yet. I learned this from my brother in-law a 25 plus year recovering alcoholic. It is what they teach in AA.
Leaving him home to care for your daughter while you work is dangerous for her especially if he is driving around under the influence of drugs. I believe you know this. So the first thing that must be done is to find a safe environment for her while you are at work and not able to see to her safety. I realize that he would not purposely hurt your daughter, still her safety when she is not with you is paramount.
You can't force him to get help. What you can do is remove his safety net, which may lead to him hitting bottom; by leaving him now. This is not a good environment for your daughter and your other children to be in. By removing his safety net by either leaving him or forcing him to move out, you are removing his ability to have shelter, food, clean clothes and transportation. These things enable his ability to find drugs. You may not be giving him money but look around your home and see if anything is missing of any value. Then check the local Pawn shops to see if he has sold them.
Doing this is hard but then that is why it is called tough love. I realize it is not your intent to enable his drug habit. By supplying his safe haven, his food, his home and other things you are enabling his drug habit. There is no other way to put it. As long as these things are in place he has no reason to stop.
There is one thing though that you can do for yourself that I and others on this site cannot do for you. You can join a local chapter of Al-Anon. Al-Anon is a self help group spin off from Aa where you can meet and talk with others who are relatives, friends, wives and children of those addicted to different substances. Through them you can learn how they deal or have dealt with this problem.
Below is the URL to the meeting locator page for Al-Anon. Use it to find a meeting in your area. Attending some of these meeting will be of much more help to you then we can provide.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
]
More Questions: |