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humorist-workshop
SCHOOL GCSE PLEASE GRADE THIS WORK (Or tell me what you think of it)
3 Days Spent in New York City
Outsiders look up, locals look straight. A majestic world of wonder on the eyes, the concrete jungle that is New York City. The three days I spent in New York, the city lit by aspirations and grandeur to inspire people, had left me with three days of wishes granted. The city that never sleeps, according to the song.
The atmosphere invites you to participate in everyday activities. Day one, obligeto call out for a “taxi”, the famous yellow car, the best way of transport to travel from one sight to the next with only a low priced fee. My trip there was like discovering an entirely new way of life that I had only heard stories of. During day one I felt compelled to visit the Statue of Liberty. It is a modern marvel and a national monument that symbolizes independence, friendship and democracy. The national monument allows people to study America’s independent history and provides a remarkable view of the harbour. Day two was devoted towards a more cultural outlook of some of the finest art work in the world, which is on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. New York’s Museum is one of the most influential museums in the world. It attracts visitors with it’s display of both modern and contemporary arts, that enable visitors to explore the evolution of arts and culture diversity.
I found that the New York people are providential and were very engaging. They adored to learn all about where you are from and to inculcate with you about some of the history behind New York’s purpose and landmarks.
The Empire State Building is a 102 story skyscraper located in Midtown Manhattan; I decided that I wasn’t prepared to climb the top, although I am told the view of New York’s sunset is so astonishing that it is where couples retreat too. My final visit on day three was to spend some time to wander around the luscious loveliness, which holds fresh air from the oak woodland trees and is home to the bees. Or with the nick name of “the green lungs”, that is Central Park. It held a true beauty aside from the city, it felt different, a place to unwind from the city’s magical madness. Romantic horse drawn carrige ride is not to be missed in the winter, with a snow sence background. Central park had the ability to ensure you wouldn’t dare be anywhere else. I couldn’t miss out the opportunity for some early Christmas shopping, with the Manhattan luxury shopping along the Fifth and Madison Avenues. The unique gifts and desirable store window displays, that draw you in, made shopping feel as if I was in control of everything. With a wealth of restraunts this included dinner in little Italy.
I feel that three days staying in New York satisfied my need for exploration, and hunger for adventure. During the three days I needed no map to guide me through the sights of the city, just a clear and open mind, ready for the unexpected. I came back home with confidence and my heart strings attached to the city that I had once only seen in the old fashion movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, yet that film had only captured the elegance, not the balance between real lives in the city.
To rationalize new York, is something not to be put in words is too be seen and felt. One day I will return with a new outlook and ideas of scepticism to thrive and to fill the city. It is a place I would never feel lost in, I would recommend it for any mind that needs a new captivating moment, available now only in New York City.
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Dragonflymagic has done an excellent job of correcting your work. I would like to take issue though with a couple of statements you made.
Just so you know. I was born in Brooklyn, New York and raised on Long Island.
The Statue of Liberty: Most New Yorkers and the People of France who donated the statue would take issue with your calling her a "Modern Marvel" as she is 127 years old.
Fact: The Statue of Liberty Enlightening the World was a gift of friendship from the people of France to the people of the United States and is a universal symbol of freedom and democracy. The Statue of Liberty was dedicated on October 28, 1886, designated as a National Monument in 1924 and restored for her centennial on July 4, 1986.
New Yorkers are "providential and were very engaging": While I have not been back to New York in some time it is generally known that New Yorkers, people living and working in New York city, are for the most part an obnoxious group.
I know Mayor Bloomberg has worked hard over the past 12 years to change this opinion, at least at the tourist areas, taxis' and restaurants. Still the fast pace of life in this big city lends itself to mostly a self-absorbed obnoxious group. You might want to add that you saw or spoke with a different type of New Yorker than is commonly thought to be.
One other thing. While taxis are the most expedient way to get around the city, they are not the least expensive. They are for the tourist the easiest way to get from one tourist attraction to another. The least expensive way to get around the city is the subway system. Using the subway system in the city for those not familiar with the number of different subways can be a formidable task.
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HI Hon. I love to write so I will take up the challenge and see what help I can give. Since I can't make changes show in italics or another color, I will put corrections and suggestions in parentheses. I also will add additions to make sentences more interesting. If you need any clarifications, let me know.
3 Days Spent in New York City
Outsiders look up, locals look straight. A majestic world of wonder on the eyes, the concrete jungle that is New York City. The three days I spent in New York, the city lit by aspirations and grandeur to inspire people, (had:OMIT) left me with three days of wishes granted.(It truly is) the city that never sleeps, (as well known song lyrics describe).
The atmosphere invites you to participate in (the multitude of) everyday activities. Day one, (obligeto?? not sure what you wanted here) call out for a “taxi”, the famous yellow car, the best way of transport to travel from one (sight/ change to site) to the next with only a low priced fee. My trip (there/you could put another nickname for NY in here like "to the Big Apple) was like discovering an entirely new way of life that I had only heard stories of. During day one I felt compelled to visit the Statue of Liberty. It is a modern marvel and a national monument that symbolizes independence, friendship and democracy. The national monument allows people to study America’s independent history and provides a remarkable view of the harbour. Day two was devoted towards a more cultural outlook of some of the finest art work in the world, which is on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. New York’s Museum is one of the most influential museums in the world. It attracts visitors with it’s display of both modern and contemporary arts, that (enable/change to allow) visitors to explore the evolution of arts and culture diversity.
I found that the New York people are (providential/I don think thats the word you want. look for my longish explanation below under (A) ) and were very engaging. They adored (to learn/learning) all about where you are from and to (inculcate/see (B) below) with you about some of the history behind New York’s purpose and landmarks.
The Empire State Building is a 102 story skyscraper located in Midtown Manhattan; I decided that I wasn’t prepared to climb the top, although I am told the view of New York’s (sunset is so astonishing that it is where couples retreat too./see (C) below) My final visit on day three was to spend some time to wander around the luscious loveliness, which holds fresh air from the oak woodland trees and is home to the bees. Or with the nick name of “the green lungs”, that is Central Park. It held a true beauty (of it's own) aside from (that of) the city, it felt different, a place to unwind from the city’s (magical/use metropolitan or another word instead of magical?) madness. A Romantic horse drawn carrige ride is not to be missed (anytime but especially not) in the winter, with a (snow/change to scenic snowy) background. Central park (had/change to has) the ability to ensure you wouldn’t (dare be/change to 'dream of being') anywhere else. I couldn’t miss out (on)the opportunity for some early Christmas shopping, with the (Manhattan luxury/ change to 'luxury of Manhatten') shopping along the Fifth and Madison Avenues. The unique gifts and (desirable/change to 'eye catching') store window displays, that draw you in, made shopping feel as if I was in control of everything. With a wealth of (restraunts/change to 'restaurants') (this included dinner in little Italy./change to 'to choose from, I finally decided upon dinner in little Italy)
I feel that three days staying in New York satisfied my need for exploration, and hunger for adventure. During the three days I needed no map to guide me through the sights of the city, just a clear and open mind, ready for the unexpected. I came back home with confidence and my heart strings attached to the city that I had once only seen in the old fashion movie “Breakfast at Tiffany’s”, yet that film had only captured the elegance, not the (balance between real lives in the city/see (D) below.)
To (rationalize/change to 'summarize') (new/capitalize) York, is (something not to be put in words is too be seen and felt./change to 'is some place that can't be described in words; it must be seen and felt'.) One day I will return with a new outlook and ideas of (scepticism/look up meaning, doesn't fit, I think you want a different word) to thrive (in) and to fill (up my senses with) the city. It is a place I would never feel lost in, I would recommend it for any mind that needs (new captivating moment/ or 'the socially, intellectually and dramatic stimulation that only New York City can provide.' and, available now only in New York City.
(A) I think you may have wanted the word'provincial'. look up link and follow to listing of antonyms, one of which is 'cosmopolitan' that may fit better
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
(B) Inculcate meaning:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
/inculcate
Teaching is fine but this word describes it being done repetitiously and/or with admonitions. So you will need another word substituted here, or change of sentence to/ immerse you in tales of the history behind....
(C) If you are trying to hint that it is a romantic place that dating couples like to go because of the view, then the word "astonishing" doesn't evoke that feel to me. If a guy wants to choose that place to impress a date, it means it has to be memorable or unforgettable...or something else like that would work. I prefer unforgettable.
(D) the term 'balance between' indicates that there are two items that the balance is between, as in real lives and...?? I don't know what you want the other word to be, what is being balanced? the hollywood image? real lives and the hollywood image?" Or take out balance between and use other terms there.
I know its hard to follow my suggestions and changes so go slow, ready over and over. When I want a good descriptive word, I think of a simple one and do search for meaning on the web and choose the dictionary that also lists synonyms and anthonyms which are help to give other options or let me know if I have chosen a word with the right description. So do your reswearch. I rely heavily on the web to look up words, not as much for spelling but meanings to see if I have chosen the right one or best one.
I dont know how much time you have to get it in but I go over my book writing 10 times or more and almost each time find a way to make sentences more descriptive, more precise or easier to understand.
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