|
Why does my mom not care about me anymore?
Here's the deal. I've always been pretty close with my mom. We have the same sense of humor, and we are able to talk to each other very easily. We've had our fights and disagreements here and there, but usually we would turn out okay, and move on. I'm currently 20 years old, and things seem to be getting worse with her, and I'm not all that sure why. Nowadays she hardly wants to talk to me or even look at me, and I can be as nice as possible to her and she'll snap at me for no reason. When she bothers to talk to me, all she says is some kind of complaint (either pertaining to me or something else). Even stranger is that we have a dog, and she suddenly changes her mood and acts happy towards our dog alone. Then, of course, if I walk by or talk to her, she's angry/cold again. She's basically the same with my older sister as well. I'm growing so tired of it and I don't know what to do. The worst happened on Thursday (Oct. 24).
Me and my sister were in a car accident...the very first I'd ever been in. It happened so suddenly. Long story short, we rear-ended someone who made a COMPLETE stop on a road that has a 45-50 mph speed limit (and no, it was nowhere near a stop light. They just randomly stopped in the middle of the lane. According to the police officer, that person was confused about something and decided to stop for some reason). We were incredibly lucky to not have been injured at all, and the people we hit weren't hurt either. Their car didn't receive any damage somehow, but the entire front of our car is now a complete mess. I remember the moment when we were about to crash into it, with their car's rear inches in front of us, and my sister slamming her foot on the brake, and us both screaming for our lives. I thought "This is it. We're going to die", in that split second. When we got out of the car, we were both shaking, and couldn't believe what just happened. But we were alive, and unharmed somehow. I felt so thankful, but so scared.
Of course, we called our mom first (and this was around 11 pm, so she was in bed already). And guess what her response was? Instead of immediately asking if we were okay, she only wanted to know what happened (with an unconcerned tone of voice), and scoffed at us for wanting her to pick us up after the whole ordeal was done. I couldn't believe it. When we got home two hours later (a friend dropped us off), she was sleeping soundly, and didn't bother to ask us how we were doing. The next day, she didn't ask either. And today (Oct. 26), she still hasn't shown ANY concern. Her only worry was if she would have to be the one paying the insurance or whatever.
I feel so sad, and frustrated. My own mom doesn't care that we could've been severely injured, or even died. Heck, she showed way more concern when our neighbor was in an accident than when her own daughters were. And she's noticed that me and my sis are mad at her because of her carefree attitude, and she's only become even angrier at us in return, instead of understanding the huge reason WHY. Please...any advice?
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
You have given a lot of information about moms attitude towards you and your sister. If I understand this change correctly this is more of a sudden change then one that took place over a long period of time. This usually is a sign that something is wrong with her either medically or a mental health problem.
What needs to be done is to try and get her to see her doctor. You or your sister should inform her doctors of what is going for mom may not say. One way to get mom to the doctor is to tell her that under Obama care, the Affordable Care Act, everyone needs to have a complete physical once a year to get the insurance. This is true but only for insurance bought on the exchanges. If she has employer group insurance it may not be a requirement.
Sudden changes in mental attitude are worrisome and need to be checked out by a doctor. It could be mom is suffering from a form of depression. There are many reasons for this. Most stem from some form of medical condition she is worried about or fearing. This causes excess stress. Stress causes pain and pain causes depression.
One thing about many of us of the older generation is we would rather think the worst of something then see a doctor and find out. Funny thing is that when we do see a doctor better than 99% of the time we find out that we worried about nothing.
My suggestion is that you do what you can to get mom to a doctor for a complete physical including a screening for depression. Once she has a clean bill of health you can go from there.
]
Oh honey I am so sorry to hear this.
I am a mother of 3 girls and can not imagine my self under any circumstances treating my daughters that way. Most the majority of mothers have a nurturing and protective aspect to them when it comes to her children. It comes naturally to mothers.
The only cases where that is not so that I have learned so far in life is girls who grew up with moms who felt children were a chore and a bother and wished she never had them. So she grows up mentally programmed that children are a nuisance and a bother and so the psyche acts that out when she has kids of her own. She has negative programming running in her head and most humans have a strange way of wanting to fulfill the negative thoughts running behind the scenes and so will do whatever they have to subconsciously to fulfill and make those thoughts a reality. This kind of behavior would have been there in some form from the beginning so did she do that at times when you were younger? You say things that would lead me to believe that for the most part, life growing up was good and that this behavior is more recently or has over the last 2 =3 years slowly appeared and gotten worse.
If it's a recent thing, then there is a chance that she may have some kind of mental health issue. Is she on medications for some health problems? Some medications can totally change a persons personality. That is a terrible side effect and her doctor should be made aware of it. But she may not be willing to tell the doctor in which case as her daughters, the two of you need to contact him and tell him what is going on.
There are other mental health issues that may have been there all along since she was a child but in such low amounts that did not affect her ability to operate in society. A great majority of mental health problems goes undetected because its not bad enough to cause problems at work or with neighbors but it comes out like steam from a pressure cooker when at home. In some cases, the person knows something is wrong with them and it terrifies them so they try all the harder to put up a defensive shell, using anger to keep others at bay so you won't stay close enough to see what is really happening or they use the blame game, pointing the finger at others to take the focus off themselves. My ex was like that. He had issues through life that were easily kept hidden but as he aged, it became more prominent and harder to hide so his behaviour towards me worsened. He was always verbally abusive from the beginning. It just wasn't very often in the beginning but began to happen more and more and got more extreme as time went on.
Perhaps, with a good physical and mental health checkup, she can get the help she needs.
However, she's an adult so if she chooses not to get checked out and isn't worried about her relationship with the two of you, there isn't much you can do.
Being mad at her isn't going to improve things. So where does your responsibility lie? With yourself, you can't make her change but you can choose how you act and react or respond to her. Anger will not change her. Maybe no kind treatment ever will. So your responsibilities lie with yourself. As an adult, you are responsibile to see to your own health and welfare first. this includes your emotional and mental health. Trying to keep mom in your life as part of it if she is unwilling to seek ways that would improve her relationship with you is only going to hurt you. The emotional hurt over times can bring stress, depression and actually be the very early causes of other physical ailments that can crop up over the years. Do not let her behavior limit you in what you do with your life. You are blessed to have a sister who loves you. The lack of love from a mother is a very hard thing to deal with. In time, some time in the future, you may benefit from seeing a counselor to get all your feelings out. If you are living with her, I would imagine that almost anything could be better than that. A daily reminder of her uncaring attitude will not help you in dealing with your own feelings, healing and getting beyond it. Is there a possibility of you and sister going to live with another family member? Or can you make plans for the near future for both you and sister and perhaps a friend, to share the cost of renting a place together? What you need right now at a time when you are feeling so unloved and rejected is a big loving hug. I wish I could do that for you. Perhaps God will bring someone into your life who can do that for you. He did for me during a two yr period when my mom got mad at me for some imagined offense she came up with and wouldnt talk to me for the entire time, even though we worked in the same company. I was about your age and married at the time. So it was different. But a woman in my dept who was my friend and about my moms age, noticed what my mom was doing and told me there was nothing I could do to make her change but keep the doors open in case one day she changed and wanted to love me again. This kind woman got close to me and became the mother figure I needed at that time. Sometimes, thats what God does when life throws us situations like yours. So long term into the future, if nothing improves, pray for a mother figure to come into your life. The family we are born with we don't have the choice over but the family we choose like the friends we choose can be just as close or better. If you feel a need to talk further, you may write to my column dear. I wish the best outcome for you and sis.
]
More Questions: |