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Anyone who calls me a nerd, dork, geek, etc. will geta one. Anyone who is a smartass about this will get a one.
I like to play DnD, right, and I have the DM Guide, the Monster Manual, and the Player's Handbook. Last month, I considered starting a DnD group. But that idea sort of died down. Well, a few days ago I picked up the Unearthed Arcana book, and I realized what all I could do if I was DMing a campaign. So now I've been asking my parents about it again, and they say once a month---at most. Also, they reccomend that we do one all-afternoon thing to see how they like it, what they want more of, what they like, etc. So I need to know how long each session should be and stuff like that.
Also, these people are fairly low roleplayers, fairly high meta-gamers. I'm probably gonna give them each a disorder as encouragement to roleplay and make the games more humorous---not handicaps, more like being gay, thinking you're a vampire, OCD, having a lucky charm, etc. Is that a good idea? Also, any tips on how to create a scenario? Thanks all! (link)
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It's tough to sustain a campaign with only one session a month. A lot of your time will probably be taken up with recaps of the previous session.
It would be a good idea to run a series of one-shots, so as not to leave the action hanging over the four-week breaks. Later, when you're more comfortable with the group and with scenario design, you can set up some cliffhangers, but don't overdo it; that can get old pretty fast. Your goal should be to run a complete adventure in a single afternoon.
The players can use the same characters for each adventure, of course, and can accrue experience and all that.
As for how long each session should last, that partly depends on the group, and on your style as DM. If you keep things well under control, avoid distractions and delays, you should be able to manage a scenario in about 3-4 hours. But you could easily go as long as 6-7 hours, if you wanted to.
The disorders you mentioned are basically GURPS Disadvantages - in that system, you can get extra character design points for taking disadvantages. They can certainly apply to D&D, of course.
They can be fun to play, but it's important that the PLAYERS choose their character's quirk or disadvantage - if you just tell them which problem they have by fiat, they'll resent it and the game will probably fail. So make a list (or pick up a copy of GURPS), and let them make a selection from the list. You'll want to think carefully about the effects of different disadvantages beforehand.
Scenarios: It's hard to tell you how to create one, because it's kind of like telling you how to create a story: basically, it involves a lot of creativity, and everyone approaches it a little differently. The DMG has a list of ideas; that's a good starting point.
Another useful source of ideas is your own favorite literature, TV, or movies. But make sure that none of the players have read or seen your sources. One thing you can do is take elements from different sources, change them beyond recognition, and combine them in odd ways.
There are a lot of scenarios online, of course. You can find them via Google. And don't restrict yourself to D&D scenarios only, although those will obviously be the most easy for you to use. There are good scenarios that have been written for other game systems, and most of them can be fairly easily adapted to D&D. At the least, it should be possible for you to mine them for ideas.
One important point: make sure to read a module at least twice before you run it. One of the readings should be from the perspective of the players: what might they do to screw things up or surprise you? Players almost ALWAYS throw a monkey-wrench into a scenario at some point, and that's half the fun. But you need to be ready to deal with it. If you've thought about the possibilities in advance, you'll have a better chance of coping when things veer in an unexpected direction.
Avoid the temptation to over-control the characters' behavior. It's an awful temptation, but if the players EVER get the idea that they're being railroaded through a pre-ordained plot with no freedom of action, they'll resent it and the game will collapse.
At the same time, don't let the players dawdle or slow the game down to a crawl. As the DM, it's completely legitimate for you to control exterior events and have them impinge on the PCs, as long as there's an underlying logic and fairness to your actions. Okay, to be honest almost EVERY DM fudges a die roll now and again, but it's absolutely vital that the PCs never suspect it.
I'll give you a quick example of a real screw-up by a DM: I was in a game where the players had decided not to take a course of action that was clearly quite dangerous. Suddenly, out of the blue, a mysterious hooded figure appeared, gestured mystically, and mind-controlled us all into doing what the DM had obviously planned for us to do all along. Then that mind-controller magically disappeared. The game collapsed almost immediately, and we didn't play with that DM after that.
Remember that this is a *group* activity, and that while you hold the main threads of the plot in your hands, the players MUST be more than actors playing out the parts you've written for them. Because then you're not running a game, you're directing a play.
I've already gone on far too long, but here are a few links that you may find useful:
Roleplaying Tips
http://www.roleplayingtips.com/index.php
I should admit that the author of Roleplaying Tips used to write for a magazine that I published, and has a couple of my articles on his site.
The Big List of RPG Plots
http://www.io.com/~sjohn/plots.htm
The Chaos Project
http://www.runequest.org/chaosproj.htm
The "Found Items" section of the Chaos Project contains five or six hundred random items and odd things that a party might encounter. Truth in advertising, this is part of my own site. :D
Good luck, and have fun!
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Well my period is very irregular. Like The last time I had one was 4 months ago. It's always like that, sometimes it can go 7 months without one. I don't really mind it because it's less worry for me...but once every month ill get the cramps but no blood or anything, but then again it is a worry because Im always afraid of when itll be comming and I have no idea when, its unpredictable. But I was wondering if I could still get pregnant even though I dont have a period much? What do you think could possibly be wrong? Such factors I have considered would be stress, anxiety, depression, irregular eating patterns, could vegetarianism have something to do with it? (link)
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First, ALWAYS assume that you could get pregnant.
Second, all of the factors you listed could certainly contribute towards making your period irregular. But it could just natually be that way, too. You may want to see if irregularity is common in your family.
It sounds as if your irregularity is rather extreme, so it would probably be wise to schedule an appointment with your OB/GYN and discuss your questions with her. Just to set your mind at rest, if nothing else.
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is it posible to prove that you exist? and i mean "exist" not "are alive".
if yes please do so couze this dam question is anoying me, its stuck in my head
and yes i know its a philosophical question that may not have a right or wrong answer but still (link)
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As Saint Gasoline pointed out, "Cogito ergo sum".
But even though you are directly experiencing your own thought process (which I'd think would be pretty good evidence that "you" exist), you seem to doubt it.
So let me put it this way: there's a pretty simple duality here. Either you exist, in which case your question has meaning; or you don't exist, in which case you're nothing more than a chemical machine, and the question is totally meaningless.
But you chose to ASK that question. Which implies that you believe that you DO exist, since otherwise there's no point in asking anything at all.
Okay, granted, that's not an absolute proof that you exist. But you seem to be feeling some discomfort over the issue. Which is, I'd argue, another proof that you exist; I should look up the Latin for "I feel, therefore I am".
So presented with two possibilities, neither of which can be absolutely proven, it only makes sense to chose to believe the one that makes you happier. That way, even if you DON'T exist - even if you're just a machine of chemicals and atoms, following a predestined path - at least you'll be a HAPPIER machine.
Good luck!
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Ok, my IPC class was doing an experiment today to separate ethyl alcohol and water by boiling it. It started to boil, but our teacher said if we made it too hot, the water would evaporate too (I'm smart, I already knew all that, but I had a little brain lapse). It looked like normal steam coming out, so I (stupidly) figured it was water. I accidentally took a kind of big breath of it while I was checking to make sure. After that my lungs were burning for a while and still are. It makes me run out of breath real quick. Does anyone know how long it'll take this to go away? It wasn't too much, because we weren't allowed to use very much ethyl, but it still burnt pretty bad.
By the way, I do realize that was idiotic. (link)
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Things could be worse; you could have inhaled isopropyl alcohol vapor instead, which could easily have blinded or killed you. Ethyl alcohol, although still potentially dangerous (after all, it kills about 100,000 people in the US each year), is less directly toxic.
According to this website ( http://www.camd.lsu.edu/msds/e/ethanol.htm ), "exposure of humans to 1000-10000 ppm has caused temporary irritation of the upper respiratory tract and coughing; and if continued, central nervous system depression with headache, stupor, fatigue, dizziness, drowsiness, dullness, lassitude and loss of appetite may occur."
It sounds as if you have the upper respiratory tract irritation, but not the other symptoms. So you're probably okay. But if you don't feel better in a day or two, you should call your doctor.
Science classes can be dangerous places. When I was in high school a bunch of idiots thought it would be funny to use a mirror in physics class to shine a laser into people's eyes while the teacher was out of the room. I went after him and told him what they were doing; I snitched, and I'm proud of it. :D
He was able to stop them before they damaged anyone's corneas.
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what should i do.... today my boyfriend and i were fighting and i hit him... not to hard but he threw me down on the ground and hit me i think mabey 3 times... not hard... but enough to cut my ear open in 3 places... yea i know messed up... but ive been with him for 3 years and i love him to death and i cant leave him... thats not an option... what should i do? (link)
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I'm sorry, but the odds are that your relationship with him is hopelessly poisoned. When you get into a fist-fight with your significant other, it's a pretty clear sign that things are NOT right.
It's likely that things will get worse between you. Violence will erupt MORE easily from now on. It will take less and less provocation for either of you to start hitting. And the violence will get more extreme.
You can love him all you want...but you really shouldn't stay with him. And since you threw the first punch, I'd *strongly* urge you to get counseling. You need to find out why you crossed the line, and find a way to make sure that it doesn't happen in your NEXT relationship. This is just a guess, but you probably need to work on anger management.
Okay, now I'll be realistic. I realize that you said that leaving him is "not an option". And I know that people often DO insist on staying in abusive relationships, even if it literally kills them. Which it sometimes does.
So...if you INSIST on staying with him, which (I'll say it again) is a REALLY BAD IDEA...then at the least, the two of you had better get into couples counseling. That might at least give you both a chance to learn how to handle your disagreements, no matter how intense, with words rather than your fists.
Good luck. I'm afraid you'll need it.
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ok i asked this question earlier but i didnt see it posted. anyway i am a 25 year old married woman, i have 2 georgeous children. my problem is when i am at work i have access to a computer and for the last 6 months i have been talking to a really great guy. sometimes he calls me also, we talk about everything and he makes me feel really good. i feel like if i wouldnt of gotten married he is the man i would want to be with. to make things more complicated, i am falling in love with him. we have never meet, i want to but he knows i am married and only wants to be a friend, i did to at first, but my feelings are changing. i dont want to destroy my family life ever, but i know it is also not fair to my husband, me sitting there thinking about what if im supposed to be with this other guy. what should i do, follow my heart or do what society and everyone else would say is right.please help (link)
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You need to sit down, think hard, and make a decision now. Because this is an old, old story, and it's as inevitable as the law of gravity.
Either you're going to shut down this online emotional affair *completely*, or else you're going to give up your husband and children. Anything else would be dishonest and, I hope, beneath you.
My guess is that you wouldn't be looking for romance online if it wasn't missing from your marriage. I can understand that, believe me. And if no one else was involved, I'd tell you to go for it.
But you and your husband created two children, children who will be seriously hurt if you should leave. To tell the truth, I think there's a very good chance that they already sense a strain in your marriage, even if your husband isn't aware of it yet; children are very sensitive to that sort of thing.
So unless you can honestly say that there's absolutely no hope for your marriage, I'd urge you to completely break off the online relationship NOW. Get into couples therapy with your husband as soon as possible, because it's *crucial* that you find a way to get the romance that you need from him.
And please remember this: your husband cannot possibly compete with the man you've been talking to online. That's an unreal, idealized relationship; you've never seen this online guy at anything other than his best. He can't have morning breath. You can't see him look stupid in an awward moment. He doesn't burp, or fart. He doesn't even use the bathroom - not as far as you're concerned. So he's perfect.
But I can guarantee that the reality would be different. You'd find shortcomings and flaws, because he, like all of us, is human. And if you regretted your choice, if you regretted your children's pain...it would be too late to do anything about it. You'd have shattered four lives, at least. And there's no way to repair a shattered life or a broken heart.
You owe it to yourself, your husband, and to your children to try to make your marriage work. You even owe it to the online man, because if you go with him and end up regretting it (which would be VERY likely), you might well end up blaming HIM.
So please, before you make that decision, try couples therapy. And I'd suggest that you tell the therapist about your online affair in *private* at first; don't tell your husband, or matters could quickly move totally out of your control.
Good luck.
PS - If your husband won't go with you to couples therapy, go by yourself. It will help, and your therapist may be able to help you work out some ways to convince your husband to give it a try, too. Perhaps he doesn't want to go to couples therapy because subconsciouly he thinks that doing so would make the problem in your marriage "real". But once he sees that you really are going, he may change his mind.
Good luck!
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I have so many things going wrong with myself. But I am not sure if I am sick or not. There are so many explanations out there for everything that I don't know anymore. Here are a few things.
1. I cut, usually about 2 times a month.
2. I wash my hands and clean obsessivly until the tension goes away that I feel beforehand, and if I don't do this then something bad will happen.
3. I pull out the ends of my hair on urge.
4. I feel tension and stress about everything.
5. I have hallucinations throughout the day. I see presence that I know isn't there and I think my mind plays so many tricks on me.
6. I have suicidal thoughts.
7. My mood can change from anything. It cam change if someone makes me mad, or I think about the past, or it can vary from a position I am in like the way I am sitting or standing or talking can put me in weird moods.
8. I am so tired all the time and get depressed easy.
9. I think someone is out to kill me all the time.
10. I am very withdrawl and find it hard to express myself.
11. I have a hard time dealing with getting close to people and intamicy.
12. I have alot of fears of being rejected and feel like I am a failure all the time. That Im not important.
13. I have lost alot of weight over the past year due to lack of eating.(eating issues)
14. I find myself crying for no reason sometimes.
15. I suffer from sleep paralysis and have obessions with evil things.
16. I am never happy during the day or during summer. I think I might have seasonal depression in this area.
See, so many things are wrong? I am so confused and I can't think straight. I want help so bad, or some advice on what's going on. (link)
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There's really no doubt that you need to be evaluated by a psychiatrist immediately. You may need to contact your primary care doctor first in order to get a referral, depending on your health-care system. But in any case, don't wait.
Good luck.
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when will we be able to use HMTL codes again?! (link)
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It would probably be more appropriate to address this privately to DangerNerd, since it's his decision. If I recall, he has said that he plans to restore at least some HTML functionality once they've worked out a way to protect the system from abuse. But he's awfully busy, and this site doesn't pay him anything, so it would be good to be patient.
Personally, I'd LOVE to be able to use HTML here. At least for text formatting.
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why do private questions not count against your average. i think its kind of unfair because i always get 5s on private questions and lowwer scores on open questions.
but thats not all actually. sometimes.. my private questions do count but thats only when there low!
any help & ways i can fix this!
x3 (link)
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Don't take the rating system too seriously. I believe that it's eventually going to be changed, although I'm just guessing about that. The Powers That Be know that the system is flawed, though - that's for sure.
Apparently there were some pretty serious abuses - people would ask their friends questions, or just talk to each other, and rate each response a "5".
I agree that it's not fair, exactly; the private questions I've answered have been some of the hardest. But that's how it is. For now, don't worry too much about your rating; if it goes so low that you lose mod status (assuming you're a moderator), and you don't think that's fair, you could always email DangerNerd.
I'm hoping that a more sensible system will be implemented eventually.
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What are the causes of hysteria and manic depression?
I think I might have it.
I am frequently having hallucinations and my moods are always changing. I feel like I have a split personality at times. One part of me is happy at times, another is so depressed and suicidal. (link)
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The causes are neurochemical; if there are environmental triggers as well, they are presently unknown. Genetics play a large role.
If you feel that you might have any of those conditions, it's important to see your doctor right away. She or he will refer you to a specialist, a psychiatrist, who will be able to perform a full evaluation.
That's important. Don't wait.
One thing to be aware of is that bipolar disorder is NOT the same thing as a "split personality" (also called "Multiple Personality Disorder" or "Dissociative Identity Disorder"). It's also not the same thing as schizophrenia. These are very different conditions, with different treatments.
There are a wide variety of symptoms for bipolar disorder, and it would be impossible to list them all here. And in any case neither you nor I am qualified to diagnose you. So it's important that you see your doctor as quickly as possible.
The good news is that there has been a lot of progress in treating these conditions using a combination of medications and talk therapy. It can take time to work out the most effective combination of medications to treat any particular patient, but in most cases it CAN be done.
Good luck!
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Or "I don’t know" or "everyone’s"
I see this alot when I view my own column. Why is this happening and what can I do to stop it? (link)
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The problem is that you're unintentionally using a non-ASCII character in your answer. My guess is that whoever wrote that text used an editor such as Word to write and/or spellcheck it, and that the word-processing program "improved" the text by changing the apostrophes to "smart" apostrophes (in Word, it's called "SmartQuotes").
Columns are restricted to ASCII only, though. So when you paste that text into a column (or a questioner does it), the non-ASCII character gets all messed up.
If it's your own text that has that problem, you can either turn off the smart-quote feature in your word processor, or go back AFTER you've pasted the text into your column and manually replace every smart quote with a regular quote from the keyboard.
Unfortunately you can't edit the questions in your column unless you asked them yourself, so there isn't anything you can do about that. Sorry!
If it's any comfort, though, everyone here is in the same boat.
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I'm looking for a houseplant that produces a lot of oxygen. Does anyone know of any? (link)
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I found this answer via Google:
http://cahe.nmsu.edu/ces/yard/2002/092802.html
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What is the best way to get rid of bed bugs without having to buy a new mattress?
What is the best way to clean your kitchen sink?
How often would you change the carpet in your house? (link)
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>What is the best way to get rid of bed bugs
>without having to buy a new mattress?
Start by vacuuming your bed, washing all your sheets and bedclothes (including pads) with bleach or color-safe bleach in hot water, assuming that they'll stand up to a hot-water wash.
You can vacuum your mattress, if your vacuum cleaner is clean. Use a hand-held hose attachment, if you have one.
There are a number of powers and sprays that you can use on your mattress to kill bedbugs. You may have to sleep elsewhere for a night or two.
The most effective thing to do is to seal your mattress up in plastic for several days. That will suffocate the bed bugs. Of course you need to make the wrapping as airtight as possible. You should be able to get large rolls of plastic, or even a plastic bag large enough to put your mattress in, at a hardware store.
If you use a spray or powder and THEN wrap your mattress, that would be best.
Of course it's also important to wash yourself and your bedclothes at the same time that you do all this. Basically you need to make sure that there is NO haven for the bugs, or else they'll just re-infest your mattress. That means you'd be wise to clean your bedroom thoroughly, and vacuum any rugs near or under your bed.
>What is the best way to clean your kitchen sink?
Use any common powdered household cleanser - I use Comet, or Ajax - add a little water, and scrub with a sponge or a scrubby pad such as Scotch-Brite. Nothing beats elbow grease. Then rinse thoroughly.
>How often would you change the carpet in your
>house?
Me? Never, as long as it's clean and not badly worn. But my wife doesn't agree with me. :D
Good luck!
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To anyone who lives in NYC-
What is a good neighborhood, relatively safe, in which the rents are not sky-high? Also, are there any good sites aside from craigslist that have free real estate listings?
Thanks. (link)
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I don't know the city well myself, but I have a lot of friends who live in Brooklyn - specifically, the Park Slope area. It sounds pretty cool to me. And the rents can't be TOO high, because none of my friends are rich. :D
As for real estate listings, you might try the websites of the local newspapers.
Good luck!
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I'm 24 and my boyfriend is 26/5 . I know my boyfriend for two months.he is labenese and i'm iranian , we were a happy couple we never had a fight . one day he told me that his family wants him to marry a girl from his own nationality. and when i asked him about his idea he said that he likes the girl but as the same time he does not want to lose me!!!!and i was upset i told him we need to talk but he kept postponing ourdate then we could not talk. I wrote to him that I love him and i can not see him with somebody else , so i will move out of his life and he can go on with his. from that day he is not giving me a direct answer, he keeps saying that he does not want to lose me but he does not talk to me about the whole issue. I even tried not to answer his calls for few days but he kept calling.he is insisting that we have to continue our relationship. I don't know who I am in his life anymore. by the way he told his causine that he loves me as a sister!!! I don't remember being his sister. he does not know what he wants.all i know is that i love him but i want this relationship only if I know that he also has some feelings for me. PLEASE HELP ME (link)
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I'm sorry, but it sounds as if he's already chosen his family over you. I'm sure he still has feelings for you, but if he *really* loved you, he'd either tell his family that he was going to marry you...or he'd tell you the truth, so you could be free and find someone who could make you happy for the rest of your life.
Instead, it sounds as if he wants to play you along for as long as possible, enjoying your company when he can - or at least, not having to feel guilty about hurting you - while obeying his family and getting ready to marry that Lebanese girl.
I can understand that. I have distant relatives in Lebanon (I'm Armenian), and have some knowledge of the region. Culture, and family, are very strong there. I'm sure that you can understand that yourself. So try not to hate him. It won't help.
But you need to be terribly honest with yourself now. If he loved you enough to defy his family, he'd have DONE that...and he didn't. Instead, he's lying. To you and to others. This will only get worse and worse, and it will lead to utter disaster.
For your own sake, you must leave him now, before he can hurt you even more. I know that it hurts terribly, but this is the best thing that you can do for yourself. In time, your heart will heal and you will find love again - a real love, a man who values you above all others.
On that day, I wish you much happiness.
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hey. i have a question.. what does masterbaitin do it you? lets say i do it... what bad things can happen? what if u do it and u dont have your period? im scared... (link)
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It doesn't do anything bad to you. It's just a harmless form of self-stimulation. The most you'll get out of it is some pleasure and a relief of sexual tension.
The only possible danger would be if you did it so violently as to damage yourself. I don't think that there's a realistic chance of that, though.
If you are a virgin, I suppose over-vigorous masturbation *could* break your hymen (i.e. "pop your cherry"). But again, that's not very likely.
In any case it shouldn't have anything to do with your period. If your period has stopped (and I mean STOPPED; most women experience some variability in their lives, and being late a week or so is not that rare), you should see your OB/GYN to make sure that everything is okay.
Good luck!
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Hi, I would like to know simple exercises that I can do in my bedroom which will enhance my breasts and butt. I am a female and am so freakin flat on both ends that I feel masculine when I'm facing the mirror and just really disdain looking at my backside. Please help.
Thank you. (link)
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Breasts are primarily fat tissue. For most people, the buttocks are mostly fat, too. So exercising won't help you much; if anything, it might make you flatter.
Targeted development of your chest muscles and buttocks might help a little bit by enhancing the underlying musculature (which is more effective in the buttocks than in breasts), but not a lot.
In the end, this is mostly about genetics. There are limits to how much you can change your body without resorting to surgery. If you were to gain weight, there's a good chance that you'd increase the size of your breasts and buttocks - but you'd also get bigger in other areas, and there's no way to control where the added fat would go.
And of course there's the health risk from packing on the pounds.
There are two things that could have SOME effect, however. One is to go on birth control pills. Most women experience some increase in breast size as a result of going on the pill.
Another option is pregnancy. But that's pretty drastic.
So when it comes down to it, surgery is pretty much the most effective option. But I'd like to suggest that there some other things you might want to try.
There are a lot of enhancement options that you might try; push-up bras, padding, that sort of thing. They've been used for hundreds, perhaps thousands of years with some success.
I'd also urge you to try to think differently about your body. There are a lot of men who find slim, small-breasted women very attractive; heck, most supermodels are very slim and flat. There are even magazines and movies which feature small-breasted women only! So there are certainly a lot of men out there who will find you deeply attractive. If you can find a way to be proud of your body, to feel more confident about it, you'll automatically become more attractive.
It's the only body you'll ever have, you know, so you might as well do your best to appreciate it. And if you simply can't do that, then cosmetic surgery is always a possibility.
Good luck!
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3929.1
ah okayy this is really hard to admit but over the summerr when i was staying at my dad's place in california i had this really nice boyfriend or at least he seemed nice. and like we'd spend every day together and everything but then one night he got all different and stuff.. like more aggressive.. we hadd a few drinks, and then he kind of forced himself on me and pinned me up againnst a wall and raaped me andd i was soo scared. i avoided all his calls and stuff and eventually he stopped trying and i havent talked to him since.
and like its really hard for me to even look at guys anymore, which is like the total opposite of who i was last yearr, and noboddy knows anything (except my therapist and my momm). i have horriblee flashbacks and ill wake up in a sweat from nightmares and everythings so messed upp.
i really really want to talk to my friends about it but i just cant. im so afraid they are gonna thinkk im making all of this up for attentionn but im not, its hard and i feel like im fighting this huge fight all alone and they've always been there for me in the past im just worried this is gonna be the straww that breaks the camels back so to speak? i dont know.
asdfghjkl; i just wish none of this had everr happened what can i do. (link)
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I've been there too. I know how you feel. And you have my sympathy.
Here's the thing: the urge to talk about it is natural. In fact, it's a good sign; it means that on some levels you're dealing with the experience, which is the first step in healing. But you need to be cautious. Because if any of your friends have a tendency to gossip, you're going to feel betrayed and MORE hurt. That would only set back your recovery.
If you simply HAVE to talk to friends about it, think very carefully before you do. Decide if you can trust them. And realize that some people get confused and upset when they hear about this sort of thing, and they don't know how to react or what to say. You may not get the support you're hoping for, and if that happens, you need to be able to forgive your friends.
You're doing the right things, so far. And of course you must remember that the rape was NOT YOUR FAULT.
This may not be very comforting to hear, but time is the one thing that will help the most. Give yourself as much time as you need, and the day will come when you feel ready to start in with a relationship again.
I wish you a good recovery and a happy life.
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i've diagnosed her with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some aspects of codependency. and yeah i snuck out and got caught (the girl's mom got the police involved). cuz i'm 16 and she was 15, it was technically kidnapping, so they took my license.
she's just really screwed up, and i need to get her into therapy somehow. she won't go, and she won't let me go. (link)
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I don't think you need me to tell you that you're getting into pretty deep water, right?
Once again I found myself hesitating to answer a question. And for the simple reason that I not only couldn't see an answer, but I couldn't even think of anything marginally helpful to tell you. I guess I'm not supposed to admit that I know it, but I'm a pretty smart guy; it's embarrassing to admit that I'm stumped.
Worse still, from your perspective, is the possibility that there IS no answer. And I've certainly considered that possibility.
The problem, as I see it, is that you're stuck in a losing game. A dominance game between you and your mother. Right now, she holds all the cards. And this kidnapping thing only strengthens her position - a LOT.
The outlook isn't totally black, of course; you have time on your side, since when you turn 18 you'll be free of her, if you want to be. But there are two long years ahead of you before then. And of course, your mother can make your life rather miserable even after that point, too. Your ideal solution is to get her on your side.
That won't be an easy task, and I can't tell you how to do it. But I *can* suggest some starting points that I hope might help.
To begin with, you need to recognize that right now, this is a battle that you're LOSING. Which means that a radical change in approach is necessary - and I'm not just talking about tactics. You need to re-assess EVERYTHING, as coldly and objectively as possible. That includes your own behavior.
Excuse me for saying this, but I was a really bright 16-year-old, too (yeah, a long time ago). It's easy to see your parents' flaws at that age. I'll dig up an old favorite from Mark Twain:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned."
- Mark Twain
Now, I'm not telling you that your mother doesn't have issues. In fact, I'm sure that she DOES have issues. But I AM suggesting that she's probably pretty smart. That's a reasonable conclusion; smart people usually have smart parents.
And BEING smart, she probably has a good idea how you feel about her. That can only increase her antagonism for you, and make the conflict more bitter. Since (as I mentioned before) she's in the stronger position by far right now, that only hurts *you*.
You might not like to hear this next part, but I think I have to say it: beware of arrogance. When I read "i've diagnosed her with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some aspects of codependency", a danger signal went off in my mind. Because you're not qualified to make a diagnosis.
Okay, that might sound like hypocrisy coming from a guy who advises people in his column about the possibility that they have clinical depression and other behavioral disorders. But I've had quite a bit of practical experience in dealing with people who are suffering with those conditions, including people very close to me. And even so, I'm careful to suggest possibilities only, and to always make it clear that I am not a trained professional.
If I had to bet, I'd put money on the odds that you're right. But even if you are, the truth is that your "diagnosis" can pose a greater threat to YOU than to your mother. If you go into every confrontation under the assumption that she's mentally ill, some of that feeling is likely to show in your attitude - and she'll almost certainly detect it and resent it.
Like I said, you need to remember that not only is your mother nearly as smart as you are (if not smarter - the possibility is always there), but she has it backed up by a lifetime of experience. And take this from someone with a fair amount of experience: it's USEFUL. It's not just that you have more facts to work with as you get older; your thinking process winnows through patterns of thought and improves the entire process over time.
I'm MUCH smarter now than I was when I was twenty. I even score much higher on IQ tests, although I'm skeptical about such tests. So even if your mother isn't quite as smart as you are, even if she's handicapped by behavioral issues, you need to remember that she has that huge, invisible resource backing her up. And that's something you can't match - yet.
Which is a very long way of saying that you need to get your mother on your side. Going into therapy with her is a great idea, of course. But your problem is that she's against that. My guess is that when you suggest it to her, she immediately suspects that it's a gambit, a move designed to expose her weaknesses. So naturally she declines. That's the intelligent thing to do.
I'm not sure why she refuses to let you go into therapy by yourself, but my guess is that she fears you'd get the therapist on your side and use him or her as an ally. Since she's winning right now, that could only hurt her position. Which actually makes her refusal comprehensible.
It's awfully late, and I should be asleep. But I want to tie this up into a positive approach. Before I do, though, there's something that just popped into my mind, and I want to note it before I forget:
Half of what you ARE, genetically, comes from your mother. Your intelligence, for example. Also much of your emotional structure...including, probably, some of her weaknesses. And of course, your mother has been a major part of your environment as you've been growing, which has also doubtless had a major effect on you.
It might be a good idea to take the time to seriously think about that - your mother, and yourself, and the ways in which you two are similar. Ways that you hadn't considered before. Ways that you might not want to face, if there are any. Look for areas in your mind that make you uncomfortable, and probe them. More than anything else, you need to *think*.
And part of what you need to think about is a way to end this battle, or to completely change the basis of the struggle. Because the ideal solution, from your point of view, is to get your mother on your side. That's a prize that would be worth a lot to you. So it may be time to really shake up your own thinking, look for entirely new angles of approach and ways of thinking about your relationship with your mother. You need to change the game. Don't be reckless - you still have a lot left to lose - but put your mind on the task of breaking the paradigm and shifting the terms of your relationship.
Find ways to really surprise your mother; throw her off balance, make her consider looking at you in a new way - and not as an opponent.
That may mean honestly reconsidering your own behavior. That - and honesty itself - seem to me to be your best tools (rather than weapons) in this situation.
You may even need to consider ending the game completely. Sometimes, if you can't win and there's no other way out, it just makes sense to give up, preserve what you can, and wait for another day.
I realize that some or all of this may not apply to you. As I said, I threw out a lot of points in the hopes that some, at least, would be helpful. I hope you don't mind if I went astray on some points. But right now I've GOT to sleep. Write to me again whenever you like.
Good luck!
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there is this guy that i swim with everyday and i like him alot. he is really nice and funny. he also constantly looks at me and gets in the same lane as me everyday. i dont think this means that he likes me, but is there anything i can do to get his attention? i really want to hook up with him, but i dont know how to get his attention without looking stupid. please help!! (link)
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"he is really nice and funny. he also constantly looks at me and gets in the same lane as me everyday" is practically the DEFINITION of a boy liking a girl. Nothing's absolutely certain in this world, but to be honest, if I were a betting man I'd put big money down on this: he likes you, and as more than a friend.
Talk to him more, make eye contact, and he'll respond. If he doesn't ask you out (he may be shy) you should ask HIM out.
Really, this is one of the most obvious cases I've ever heard of. He likes you.
Good luck!
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