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hey
i've diagnosed her with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some aspects of codependency. and yeah i snuck out and got caught (the girl's mom got the police involved). cuz i'm 16 and she was 15, it was technically kidnapping, so they took my license.
she's just really screwed up, and i need to get her into therapy somehow. she won't go, and she won't let me go.
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I don't think you need me to tell you that you're getting into pretty deep water, right?
Once again I found myself hesitating to answer a question. And for the simple reason that I not only couldn't see an answer, but I couldn't even think of anything marginally helpful to tell you. I guess I'm not supposed to admit that I know it, but I'm a pretty smart guy; it's embarrassing to admit that I'm stumped.
Worse still, from your perspective, is the possibility that there IS no answer. And I've certainly considered that possibility.
The problem, as I see it, is that you're stuck in a losing game. A dominance game between you and your mother. Right now, she holds all the cards. And this kidnapping thing only strengthens her position - a LOT.
The outlook isn't totally black, of course; you have time on your side, since when you turn 18 you'll be free of her, if you want to be. But there are two long years ahead of you before then. And of course, your mother can make your life rather miserable even after that point, too. Your ideal solution is to get her on your side.
That won't be an easy task, and I can't tell you how to do it. But I *can* suggest some starting points that I hope might help.
To begin with, you need to recognize that right now, this is a battle that you're LOSING. Which means that a radical change in approach is necessary - and I'm not just talking about tactics. You need to re-assess EVERYTHING, as coldly and objectively as possible. That includes your own behavior.
Excuse me for saying this, but I was a really bright 16-year-old, too (yeah, a long time ago). It's easy to see your parents' flaws at that age. I'll dig up an old favorite from Mark Twain:
"When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned."
- Mark Twain
Now, I'm not telling you that your mother doesn't have issues. In fact, I'm sure that she DOES have issues. But I AM suggesting that she's probably pretty smart. That's a reasonable conclusion; smart people usually have smart parents.
And BEING smart, she probably has a good idea how you feel about her. That can only increase her antagonism for you, and make the conflict more bitter. Since (as I mentioned before) she's in the stronger position by far right now, that only hurts *you*.
You might not like to hear this next part, but I think I have to say it: beware of arrogance. When I read "i've diagnosed her with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and some aspects of codependency", a danger signal went off in my mind. Because you're not qualified to make a diagnosis.
Okay, that might sound like hypocrisy coming from a guy who advises people in his column about the possibility that they have clinical depression and other behavioral disorders. But I've had quite a bit of practical experience in dealing with people who are suffering with those conditions, including people very close to me. And even so, I'm careful to suggest possibilities only, and to always make it clear that I am not a trained professional.
If I had to bet, I'd put money on the odds that you're right. But even if you are, the truth is that your "diagnosis" can pose a greater threat to YOU than to your mother. If you go into every confrontation under the assumption that she's mentally ill, some of that feeling is likely to show in your attitude - and she'll almost certainly detect it and resent it.
Like I said, you need to remember that not only is your mother nearly as smart as you are (if not smarter - the possibility is always there), but she has it backed up by a lifetime of experience. And take this from someone with a fair amount of experience: it's USEFUL. It's not just that you have more facts to work with as you get older; your thinking process winnows through patterns of thought and improves the entire process over time.
I'm MUCH smarter now than I was when I was twenty. I even score much higher on IQ tests, although I'm skeptical about such tests. So even if your mother isn't quite as smart as you are, even if she's handicapped by behavioral issues, you need to remember that she has that huge, invisible resource backing her up. And that's something you can't match - yet.
Which is a very long way of saying that you need to get your mother on your side. Going into therapy with her is a great idea, of course. But your problem is that she's against that. My guess is that when you suggest it to her, she immediately suspects that it's a gambit, a move designed to expose her weaknesses. So naturally she declines. That's the intelligent thing to do.
I'm not sure why she refuses to let you go into therapy by yourself, but my guess is that she fears you'd get the therapist on your side and use him or her as an ally. Since she's winning right now, that could only hurt her position. Which actually makes her refusal comprehensible.
It's awfully late, and I should be asleep. But I want to tie this up into a positive approach. Before I do, though, there's something that just popped into my mind, and I want to note it before I forget:
Half of what you ARE, genetically, comes from your mother. Your intelligence, for example. Also much of your emotional structure...including, probably, some of her weaknesses. And of course, your mother has been a major part of your environment as you've been growing, which has also doubtless had a major effect on you.
It might be a good idea to take the time to seriously think about that - your mother, and yourself, and the ways in which you two are similar. Ways that you hadn't considered before. Ways that you might not want to face, if there are any. Look for areas in your mind that make you uncomfortable, and probe them. More than anything else, you need to *think*.
And part of what you need to think about is a way to end this battle, or to completely change the basis of the struggle. Because the ideal solution, from your point of view, is to get your mother on your side. That's a prize that would be worth a lot to you. So it may be time to really shake up your own thinking, look for entirely new angles of approach and ways of thinking about your relationship with your mother. You need to change the game. Don't be reckless - you still have a lot left to lose - but put your mind on the task of breaking the paradigm and shifting the terms of your relationship.
Find ways to really surprise your mother; throw her off balance, make her consider looking at you in a new way - and not as an opponent.
That may mean honestly reconsidering your own behavior. That - and honesty itself - seem to me to be your best tools (rather than weapons) in this situation.
You may even need to consider ending the game completely. Sometimes, if you can't win and there's no other way out, it just makes sense to give up, preserve what you can, and wait for another day.
I realize that some or all of this may not apply to you. As I said, I threw out a lot of points in the hopes that some, at least, would be helpful. I hope you don't mind if I went astray on some points. But right now I've GOT to sleep. Write to me again whenever you like.
Good luck!
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