Hi Everyone!!
My name is Brenda, and I'm 34 years young. I've been happily married (to the most amazing man) for three years, and we have three children. My daughter is nine years old (my husband has adopted her), my stepdaughter is eight, and my stepson is six. I am currently a full time college student taking Business Administration specializing in Human Resource Management. I am also a volunteer with the Sexual Assault Victim Support Program with our Regional Health Authority.
My hope with this advice column is that I will be able to help people. I've been through alot in my life, and I decided that if I can help people in similar situations, then that could also help me heal, and move on. I won't go into great detail on here, but my motto has definitely become "what doesn't kill us, will only make us stronger".
I was raped when I was 16, and then continually by an abusive boyfriend when I was 19-20. He was an alcoholic and abusive sexually, physically, and emotionally. He unsuccessfully (thank God) tried to kill me.
I've been cheated on...been the cheater, I've gone through addiction, as well as losing my dad. I have clinical depression. I was a single mom for five years before I met my husband. I became extremely obese, and five years ago weighed close to 400 pounds. In January of 2000 I underwent gastric bypass surgery and have maintained a 200+ pound weight loss. I went through my childhood and adolescense being ridiculed for my appearance. I really want to help people with obesity issues.
Currently, my most stressing issues seem to be dealing with my husbands despicable ex-wife. It's hard to deal with someone whom you have absolutely no respect for as a parent, or as a person for that matter. I have many concerns about making a blended family work, so that everyone is happy.
PHEW!!!
Well....I hope I will have many visitors to my column and can help each and every one of you! Chances are..whatever it is you're going through, I've probably been there. I hope to talk to you soon.
Brenda
Website: Help Me, Brenda!
E-mail: helpmebrenda@inbox.com
Gender: Female
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Occupation: student
Age: 34
Member Since: April 9, 2006
Answers: 193
Last Update: October 5, 2006
Visitors: 21099
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PLEASE SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!! I AM BEGGING YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i am an 18 year old teenager and have a problem. I wondered whether you could possibly offer me any advice
I think i MIGHT have suffered from neglect/emotional abuse in my past. I need some advice.
You see when I first started high school I lost two people of whom I was very close to.one of these was my Grandmother who practically raised me.She was the one who took me places, taught me, supported me and basically looked after me. I used to see her almost every day.I can never remember my real mother doing any of this. However I never noticed the lack of support by my parents…..until she died.
I started to refuse to go to school on-and-off for my first two years in high school because of this...i did not want to move on and lapsed into serious depression and somedays i couldn't find the will-power to get up. I'd just lie in bed all day i felt so depressed. But my parents never helped me.they must have seen how depressed I was and yet they did nothing. Isn't this neglect. They knew I had depression and yet they did nothing.
Then i refused to go to school altoghether at the end of this second year as i could no longer cope any more. I ended up having 5 meagre hours of home tuition per week for the last three years which should have ben spent in school. my parents didn't get me any professional help or anything. Isn't this abuse/neglect.
I ended up failing almost all my GCSEs. the thing is i don't know anything about anything. i haven't been out of the house or seen people for about three years. But my parents won't teach me things such as how to use a bus, how to open a bank account, buy a phone or anything. it's as if they don't care. my mum NEVER offers me any sort or support or advice on anything.
So basically
I refused to go to school for my first two school years
I then refused to go altogether
I ended up having 5 measly hours of tuition per week for the last three years that I should have been in school
I then failed almost all my GCSEs
But throughout all this nobody helped me
I will have to go on a very low level of course at college.However I am worried that i am not going to get the support i need at home and might lapse into depression again as a consequnce and be too depressed to get up in the mornings. Because my parents sort of expect me to raise myself!Is this OK or is this neglect. My mum’s also still not particularly nice to me.
I think I need to tell the college about this lack of support. But i don't want to get my parents in trouble. MY mum is dying of ca.ncer and i couldn't live with myself if she died in prison. But i need help. Do you class what i've just described as abuse? Also thre have been many times when my mother has been emotionally abusive towards me. She can say such thoughtless things she makes me cry. then tells me to 'shut up' or says 'you're always moaning'.
I want to tell the college so that I can get the emotional support I need and also so that they can understand one of the reasons I felt I couldn't cope with school and therefore couldn't cope. I
am 18 years old now, Can i tell the college without getting my parents in trouble with the police? Or in trouble with social services? Can i tell the college without getting my parentts into trouble???? I NEED a definate answer. please help me[:(]
Who would the college contact if I were to tell them about the neglect? I DO NOT want to get my parents into trouble. Can I safetly tell the college (now that I'm 18) about the neglect without getting my parents into trouble with social services or the police??????????? PLEASE CAN SOMEBODY GIVE ME ANY ANSWERS!!!!! I AM RUNNING OUT OF TIME AND NEED ADVICE DESPERATELY.[:'(][:'(][:'(][:'(][:'(][:'(]
I LIVE IN ENGLAND
(link)
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Hi
Sounds like you've had a pretty rough start to life. What you're parent's did or didn't do does sound a little bit like neglect, but it's VERY doubtful that they would wind up in trouble with the law.
Have you talked to your parents about it? Do they know how you truly feel?
You're 18 now....it's time that YOU took over your life and do what needs to be done. I think it's great that you are going to college, and I think it would be a great idea to give them your history. Because you are an adult there's nothing that social services or the police can do without you initiating it.
You're old enough now that you can get yourself professional help if that's what you choose to do. I think you are going down a path right now that is about to fork in the road. One way will keep you in the rut that you are in right now, and the other one is a whole new life full of challenges and exciting new beginnings. Take it and run with it.
Take control, live your life, and don't be afraid to get help if you need it.
Good luck,
Brenda
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ok so a few years ago my dad used to do cocaine i did not know this until a little over a year ago although now looking back i see the signs like we lost our house his job everything and he was very moody and other stuff.the way i found out was not good my mom was in a fight with me and she was all like you think your dads a saint well hes not he did cocaine she was yelling so i started to cry and say you are lyeing but i knew it was true.i asked my dad he said it was true and he doesnt do it anymore i believe him now i live with him and everything is good we NEVER talk about it but now i am worried because he didnt tell his gf who now lives with us and i think that is wrong but i dont want to ask him the only reason i know he didnt is cuase my sis asked him.my dad gets realy ashamed if it is mentioned so ya but i am also worried because he is acting strange and we just moved back to where his dealer is and i know he is stressedso he may be thinking about it
wat do i do?
~nikki~ (link)
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Hi
Drug addiction is so nasty....it literally takes over your life. It's wonderful that your dad was able to rehabilitate himself.
I think that you should tell your dad that you are worried about him, and you'd like to talk. If he knows that you're worried he may be able to ease your fears. He could be under stress for many things, and hopefully he's not considering using again.
I don't think it's your place to inform your dad's girlfriend about his addiction, but I do think you could tell your dad that you feel she has a right to know. He's probably embarrased, and is scared that if she knows she may leave him. If she does then that's not the person for him...but again, this is for him to decide.
Keeping an addiction under control is up to your dad (or any user), but having supportive family to help you through it can be key.
Just be there for him. Open communication is paramount in ANY relationship.
Take care, and good luck.
Brenda
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My brother and I were very close ,I always knew everything about me and vicea versa but since we move to Holland (he came fisrt than us) we grew apart...to my surprise he told us that he was gone married some church girl in june ....I talked to him and I notice that he was not ready to get married yet so I told him he should wait,
He told me that he still sleeps with another girl (my ex best friend)and he was to dump this girl 1 monthg before he get married and that he would not tell a word to this girl about his marriage...I didn't agree...I even tried to talk him out of his idea but he didn't listen ..
He married last month.....
Today I got a phone call from my brother telling me that he wants to divorce and that he thinks he is madly in love with another girl(my ex best friend)The point is that his wife went trough his stuff seeking found out about the other girl,She called her and told her to leave my brother alone because he was married....
His wife even went back to her parents and the other girl don't even want to see him again..
I know my brother was wrong and he agree
My point is that his wife knew he wasn't one woman man and still she agreed to marry him ..she told him that she will pray for things to change after they marry eachother ..Now she went telling lies about my brother to the whole familie .....Half of the family don't even talk to him anymore....
Concerning the other girl (ex best friend)she really didn't know he was gone marry....At first
she was kinda having a sex affair with my brother because her mother don't like poor people (only people with high class and good education ,that isa why I am not her friend anymore)Than she broke up with her bf to be with my brother and they felt really in love with eachother but than my brother didn't tell her about the marriage
SHe got really mad and told him: that she was using him all this time and that she didn't love him a bit and that she never broke up with her bf
She told him that he deserve to be burried alive and that she hopes that he never will be happy..
Than she called me and told me what my brother did to her (we talked to eachother about 2 years ago)I told her that I don't know what to say ..
My brother cried a lot I did't
have any words to tell him that everything will be alright
I know he was very wrong but I can't see him like this after all he is my brother and one off
my best friend
What can I say to him to take some of the pain away??..what can I do? (link)
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Hi
You sound like a very caring sister...your brother is lucky to have you.
I hope I don't come across as being too harsh when I say this, but what your brother is going through right now are the consequences to the actions that he chose to take.
Life decisions can be very hard to deal with, but that's exactly what they are....our decisions. No one forced him to marry a woman he didn't love. The fact that his wife knew he wasn't a one woman man when she married him still gives him no right to do what he did.
I think your brother needs to do some soul searching and figure out exactly what he wants and needs in his own life. Until he figures it out, he shouldn't involve anyone else in his life romantically.
Unfortunately there's really nothing you can say to him to take his pain away. He needs to realize that he and only he dictates what happens in his life, and if he makes the wrong decisions, then he and only he will have to deal with them.
Just continue to be there for him. Letting him talk to you and tell you how he feels can really help him heal.
Take care,
Brenda
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hey people :)
So both my mom and my sister have very big boobs, like Ds and my family is very skinny. My sister and I weigh 97 pounds. I am a 15 and my sister is 22. But the problem is my boobs are only As. I was talking to my sister and she said that she was the same way until senior year and then it just happened. So my question is, is it very likely that my boobs will be Cs or Ds by senior year because all the women in my family has had this happen to them?
thanks :) (link)
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Hi
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...... my mother, grandmother, sister, and aunt all have very large breasts. I do not. My sister and I joke around that the boob fairy visited her room twice and skipped mine.
My grandmother on my fathers side had very small breasts, but she was also a very small person. I am not a very small person, yet still seemed to get the small boob gene from her.
Heredity does play a factor in everything physically and emotionally, but it does not always go the way you think it should.
Embrace yourself for who you are. Acceptance and confidence is key. My sister has been through a breast reduction due to painful symptoms of having a large chest, so being smaller on top has its benefits as well.
Take care,
Brenda
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Ok im a 15/f who lives with my grandmother. I have lived with my mom for 15 yrs. My mom's house is not amusing enough for me and has no one there for me so i moved to my grandmother's house were I was closer to friends and had more entertainment. Well this summer I have been going to my dads and that is making it where I dont wanna go back to my grandma's and by the way Im going I will run out of place's to live before I even move out on my own. How can I satisfy my home life? (link)
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Hi
I hope when I say this you won't take it the wrong way...because I do mean well.
I think the problem with your living arrangements have more to do with what's going on inside you, than it does with who you're living with or where you are living.
Being a teenager is unsatisfying in most cases. In the back of your mind you're always considering your options of where you'd like to live. This happens because you have the options. Your mom, your dad, your grandma. I bet the majority of your friends have one home and one option and that's it! I bet they also make the best of it.
I think you need to become happy and satisfied within yourself, and stop looking for different living arrangements to achieve this. If you are having problems, whether it's with friends, or activities, no amount of moving is going to change that.
With that being said, there is nothing wrong with wanting to live with your father, and if that's an option, then give it a try. Just know that if you don't resolve whatever issues you are facing within yourself, then living with him isn't going to change anything.
You're 15...enjoy life, be happy, fill your life with positive things and people.
Take care,
Brenda
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ok so my mom is an alcoholic and shes gotton 2 DUI's and she's gotton in a drinking and driving accident and shes gone to rehab and goes to alot of AA meetings but she still drinks aout oncce or twice a week and the only peoeple in my house is my mom and my little sister and me, since my dad died of cancer a few years ago. and since im the oldest i have responsibilty for the family since my mom cant really take care of me and my sister. i really want to talk to her and try to live a normal life but i dont know how. i just need advice on what your opinion would be on waht i should do. (link)
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Hi
Although I can't possibly know what you must be going through, I just wanted to add something to the advice you've gotten so far.
You mother's addiction to alcohol has absolutely nothing to do with you or your sister. I hope you never blame yourself for the way things are.
I have been through addiction, and it can pretty much take over your life. I'm sure your mom would love to clean up and be a better mother to you and your sister, but at this point she can't or won't. Again this has nothing to do with you.
I guess I just worry that you already have so much on your plate with taking care of yourself and your sister...and well...your mother too, that you will start to find yourself depressed, and really angry. You shouldn't have to deal with all of this on your own....being a teenager (I'm assuming you are) is hard enough.
It's important that you have an outlet..someone to talk to, even if that someone is on this site. You need help dealing with everything that you have to deal with.
As far as talking to your mom...you could definately sit her down and tell her how you feel, but just keep in mind that she is sick and as much as she may want to change she will have alot to overcome to do so. If it was easy, I'm sure she would have done so by now.
Just be there for her, tell her you want your sober mom back, and get in touch with someone from a support group that you could attend to share your story with other people that are going through what you are. Here is the website for alateen which helps kids in your situation.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Okay. I am 14 and I'm a female. Also I'm adopted. I really hate where I ended up and i really don't like my adopted parents. I was 12 when i was adopted (about 3 years ago). They told me then I didn't have an option about being adopted, they told me i had to be or go back to foster care. Okay the point is I really hate being adopted to them. It has been ruining my life. Also i really hate being seen in public with them, even before adoption i didn't like her. She was my 4th grade teacher and they made me be adopted to her. She's about 54 and her husband is 60, and her dad is 95.I live with them all. None of them even understand me, and another problem is that their really old. they are really disgusting and i can't even stand being in the same room as them. And since i was adopted i've been an only child for the first time of my life and i hate that part the most. I'm really loney every day and no one to talk to. I know for fact i would be better off some where else. i really want to live with my mom again. Kyle and i was taken away from my mom and dad when i was 8 and i was in foster care. mom and dad divorced and kyle was moved to another home. i stayed in the same place for 4 years, i liked it there. Someday i wish it could be my mom and i together again, if that were so i would be really happy. Now i am the only person i have, no one else cares. not even my adopted parents, they don't even respect who i am or who i would like to be some day. When i lived with my real parents my dad abused kyle and i and my mom was good person, she the nicest person i ever knew. My brother Kyle is special ed. and i worry about how he is doing in foster care. i aslo worry about my mom, she's lonely like me... sometimes i wish i could win alot of money and live with my mom in a nice house. i know that i have only about 4 years till i move out, but thats alot of time when you're a teen and i don't want to put my life off because the law forced be to be adopted and depressed. But i'm not that bad off, i make all a's and do weel in school. i play soccer. it's really hard for me to make friends, and i don't know why, before i was adopted i had lots of them. also it's really hard for me to have a boyfriend, all the guys that end up liking me.. i turn away from them. it's really hard for me. it seems that i've been away from people so long( being an olny child in all) i don't know how to be me in front of people. and it makes me really nervous. i have really good friends at church and all. When i'm around them i do fine but when they're not there, i don't know how to act. i'm also affraid to tell people what's wrong. every time they ask i lie and say i'm doing fine just so they can go away. iam really, really not happy. i am also sorry about not writing this all in order, anyway please give me advice. I really need some, noone i know seems to care about how i feel. So please help.
love,
depression of adoption.
(link)
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Hi
It's defintely a tough situation that you are in. The first thought that runs through my head, is how lucky you are that two people loved you enough to pick you and want to adopt you into their family.
Now, I know you don't see it that way. You see it as a forced family situation that you want no part of. That's really very sad for everyone involved.
Your background has laid the groundwork for unhappiness, and not wanting people to get close to you. You keep pushing people away because you want to hurt them before they can hurt you.
Someday you and your biological mother will be together again, but in the meantime do you not think it would make sense to try and make your current situation work to the best of your ability. It's your life and you get to dictate your emotions, and if you live your life miserably or not. You are only making your situation more unbearable by not accepting your adoptive parents.
Have you given them the chance to really get to know you? Have you given yourself the chance to really get to know them? I bet if you opened yourself up to the possiblity of knowing and even possibly loving them, you would notice a HUGE improvement in other aspects of your life (like friends).
As far as your brother is concerned, do you not get the opportunity to visit with him to see how he is doing? Even phone calls, or letters?? This is something you should ask your parent's about. Maybe they could help you to continue a relationship with your brother.
It's also a good idea to not keep your feeling and emotions bottled up inside. They will destroy you if you don't let them out. There must be someone in your life who you can talk to. A friend, a teacher, a coach, a parent, or a guidance counsellor.
You have the opportunity right now to change the course of your life. You could go down a dreary, depressing road, or you could turn it around and be happy, loved, and cherished. You just need to let it happen.
Your parents would not have adopted you if they didn't love you and want you to be a part of their lives. Always remember that.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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okay i love my sister sooo much & we are extremly close, but 1 thing bothers me about her. she is almost 15 years old & i am 17, but everybody thinks she is older then me when they meet us! i do not look young for my age, but she has much bigger boobs then me (which is fine she's like a c or d & i am a b) & she's a little bigger then me in general. neither of us is ugly & i don't care that i happen to be smaller, but it just bothers me that everyone always thinks i am the younger one. what can i do to meither make them think i am the older sister or at leats stop it from bothering me?! (link)
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Hi
I have a sister who is three years older than me, and nine times out of ten when people are guessing who is older they pick me.
When you are a little bit older, you will LOVE the fact that people think you're younger than your sister.
I understand how it bothers you, but just take it as a compliment and know that you're lucky enough to have the fountain of youth on your side.
Take care,
Brenda
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im a single mom my daughter is one month old and im scared to death. Back in august my daughtes father proposed and i said yes. in sept i got pregnant and then her father told me he was going to fight for full custody of her. so i ran but now social services has required that i file for child support. and if i get it cant he reques visitation rights. what you need to know though is that he lied to me about everything hes a decade older then he told me he was he lied about his middle name and a lot of other stuff. i need advice i dont want him getting any rights to her what can ido (link)
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Hi
I was a single mom for five years, and it was my choice to not collect child support from my daughter's biological father.
Can social services actually "make" you file for child support? I live in Canada, and it is the mothers choice whether she wants child support or not.
Now, if your daughters father is a fit parent, then he does have a right to see and know his child. If he is an unfit parent, then that is a different story.
It is highly unlikely that he would get full custody of her. He is likely just trying to scare you. As long as you are a good mother, chances are that won't happen.
Because none of us know your exact situation, and what he's truly like, we can only give you our opinions.
If it's that important to you to keep your child away from him, then I would suggest not collecting child support (if that's possible). If he wants visitation rights, then he can and will have to take you to court to get them. While you are there you can bring up any concerns you have about him as a parent.
Find a good lawyer. I'm not sure how the legal system works in your part of the world, but in Canada there is legal aid for people who can't afford their own lawyer.
Always remember, that your daughter is the most important thing through all of this, and you must put her needs before whatever ill feelings you have towards her father. If you just don't want him around because you don't like him anymore, then you are robbing your daughter of knowing her father...something she may resent you for later in life. If he's destructive and abusive, then you must protect her....for this you may need help.
If you want to tell me more about your situation, I could help you more...just dump a question in my inbox and I will do my best. I've been through both sides of the coin.
Good luck,
Brenda
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It has recently come to my attention, that my cousin has been taking 5-10 tylenol a day. He has started acting really weird, and complains of his foot being numb. Is it possible that by taking 5-10 tylenol, he could be overdosing? If he is, what should i do? (link)
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Hi
I think you need to find out why he is taking that many tylenol daily. Is he in physical pain, and needs them for relief, or is he mentally addicted to taking them?
I went through a time in my life where I was addicted to pain killers. At first I was taking them to help with chronic pain, but after a while, I was taking 20-30 a day because of the mental addiction. Thankfully I was able to get back to just taking them when I physically need them.
On the tylenol bottle, it says you are not to exceed 8 pills a day, and not for more than 5 days in a row.
Taking as many as he is daily can lead to irritation of the stomach lining, and if taken in excess for a long period of time, they can damage your liver.
I would suggest that you sit down and have a talk with him...find out what's going on in his life. Hopefully he will appreciate your concern. If he gets mad at you for interfering with his life, then you may need to involve an adult.
Good luck,
Brenda
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i dont know what to say to my mother when she calls me a stupid lesbian, a worthless faggot, and other demeaning things. it doesnt hurt me like it used to (everyone knows my mom's a bitch, and that she's the epitome of insanity) but it makes me pretty mad. i really dont know what a can say back to her to get her to shut up and back off. bitch doesnt phaze her b/c people call her that everyday. i know i sound like i'm putting her down, but that's what she's always done to me since i was about 5 (i'm 16 now). anyway, i'd appreciate some suggestions on what i could do or say to make the situation better. i really cant take it anymore.
and please dont leave me an immature comment saying 'oh well why don't you just quit being bi' or somthing like that. it's just not that simple. (link)
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Hi
I'm not going to pretend to know what it must feel like to be in your shoes, but I will try to help.
Being bisexual, homosexual, or anything that doesn't fit in the "norm" can be very hard for some people to accept. That part I don't understand. You are who you are, and you deserve to be loved and respected no matter what.
I get the feeling that you and your mother didn't exactly have a great relationship even before you told her your preference. It's really sad that she isn't more understanding of your life.
The way I would handle your situation is to not give in to her childish ways of name calling. When she calls you worthless, and stupid, the best thing to do would be walk away. This may seem hard to do, because naturally you want to stick up for yourself, but by walking away you are showing her that you will not tolerate her offensive behaviour towards you.
It sounds like you need to be the grown up in this situation. The bigger person would not let the name calling escalate into a full blown fight.
Hopefully one day your mom can accept you for who you are, but please know that if she doesn't, you have done nothing wrong. You need to live your life for you, and only you.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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I think im going phyco.I spend about half my day by myself because my family is always working or over a friends house.I ahng with friends yes but i want to see my family and it doesnt happen.they have to work and i understand that but we do nothing as a family.I feal terrible because i have asked for a diffrent family.is that bad.they dont abuse me they just leave to go to worik or friends and im sick of being alone ive started talking to myself and it scares me cause i talk in the sence of there 2 more people there with me.im not aloud to have friends over when im by myself so yeah ive tryed but it sux i even pretend that my best friend is there wat do i do to get my family closer or to spend more time with me.....
katie (link)
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Hi Katie
Wow...it's not very often you hear a teen who says she wishes she could spend MORE time with her family. I think it's great!!
First of you are NOT going psycho...you are lonely. That's only natural if you're left alone all the time. People talk to themselves all the time. I do it regularly....my daughter will be like.."mom, who are you talking to?", and I just say "to myself". It's totally normal, so don't think you're crazy.
Now, I think you need to sit down with your parents, or even just your mom, and tell her how you feel. If you don't say anything, then nothing will change. They are probably completely unaware that you are feeling this way. They will likely be grateful to hear that you want to be around them more.
You could suggest that one night a week you could all do something as a family. Play games, go mini golfing, go shopping, anything that would bring you all together.
Maybe you could also try to come to an agreement that you would be allowed to have ONE friend over when your parent's aren't home. I'm not sure how old you are, but if you can prove to your parent's that you are responsible enough to have a friend over, then that could ease your loneliness when your parents have to be at work.
Just make sure to talk to them. Communication is the key...without it, they will never know how you feel.
Good luck, and take care,
Brenda
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Okay, so I'm pretty much a hardcore soccer player. I play it often. But my mom is always thinking she knows so much about it, and I tell you she doesn't.
She yells at me for stupid mistakes, for everything that goes wrong in our house, and finds ways to call me a loser, loner, and that I suck at stuff, without actually saying it. She's called me a bitch so many times I couldn't count. But my real question is, is what she doing really abuse?
People have told me it was, but I just don't know anymore. She did physically abuse me ages 7-10, maybe that's why I'm not sure or not. And I've been depressed, at least I think a lot. She's making me want to quit soccer from all the camps and stress. And many of my close soccer friends are scared of that because I'm that one girl on the team who puts on a good additude, never gives up, gives it her all, knows what she needs to fix, and would miss what is important to her just to play. And I also go outside and practice often. And I just can't play well anymore and starting not to love it.
so is it abuse?
any help or advice would be amazing. (link)
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Hi
Abuse comes in many different ways, and I would say that you are definitely being emotionally abused by your mother.
You didn't mention how old you are, but is there a guidance counsellor at your school that you could talk to about this? If not, how about a teacher, or your family doctor. Maybe even another adult family member that you trust.
Sounds to me that your mother is jading your experience with soccer which is so sad, because I can tell that you love it. Don't stop playing...it's a way that you can enjoy yourself and be around friends...an outlet to what you are going through at home.
You need to involve an adult in your situation. Just fighting with your mother will get you nowhere, and you deserve to be treated better.
I wish you luck, and try not to give your mom the satisfaction of taking away the one thing that matters to you....soccer.
Brenda
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Dear Brenda,
I am 24 years old and I have a friend that is going through court with her ex boyfriend. They have 2 kids together and the reason they are apart is because he abuses her and their kids. Now, she has gone back to this relationship before and i'm scared she'll do it again. Just because they are going through court doesnt mean they can't still be together. He tries to get her to back out of it all and she's thaught about it because he talks about how things will change and everything will be different. I just want to know what I can tell her or what advice i can give her not to go back to an abusive relationship for her sake and for her childrens? (link)
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Hi
Wow, what a great friend you are!
Abusive partners are usually some of the most seemingly charming people on the planet. They are notorious for beating the crap out of someone, then telling them how sorry they are, and that it will never happen again.
The abuser needs that person in their life, because if that person leaves then who would they abuse and control? They will do everything in their power to make their partner stay.
Now, the fact that he not only abuses her, but her kids as well takes it to a whole other level in my opinion. He's got to have some pretty good control over her, to make her want to put her kids through that.
Has your friend gotten counselling? Has she been to a women's shelter? Aside from a caring friend like you, she needs professional help. She obviously can't control this on her own. They always say you have to hit rock bottom before you snap out of it and get your life together, so maybe she hasn't hit the bottom yet...as sad as that is.
Now, aside from her, there are two kids that need to be protected. I think if she can't protect the kids by making the right choices, then someone needs to make those choices for her. The most important people in this whole scenario are the kids.
I think you need to sit down and have a SERIOUS talk with her. If she won't leave him all together and press charges, then child protection needs to be called. They haven't done anything for us, but hopefully that won't be the case with your friend.
As hard as it is, you need to let her know that you won't sit around and let her put her kids in danger. I know this is so very hard, but the kids are the innocents in all this, and they deserve to have you on their side.
Ideally, your friend would do this on her own, but it's looking like she is not strong enough at this point to do it. Help her...she may be mad at you for a time, but in the long run she will know that you were only being a great friend who was trying to look out for her and her kids best interest.
Good luck, and let me know if there's anything else I can do.
Brenda
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Dear Brenda
I have been reading your column and noticed you have to deal with abuse. So do i not to sure if it is the same kind.
Do you need evidence like pictures,or have you ever video taped to get this evidence? Or do you have enough by what your step kids say to you and the dad.
My kids are almost old enough to choose to live with their dad too and i am worried they will choose him over me. I almost feel like buying my kids to stay with me. What would you do or their dad do to have them stay with you over their mom.
Just looking for advice
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Hi
We took pictures till they were coming out the wazoo, but all the pictures and what the kids say has not helped us.
I am going to assume that in your case, abuse is not an issue? I am also going by the "rules" in my province...not sure how things work in the States, or overseas.
I would say definitely NOT trying to buy your kids to stay with you. Short term it may get you some gratification, but long term it will surely backfire.
Kids are going to want to be where they feel the safest and loved. Not only do my stepkids get abused at their mothers, but they also get the "freedom" to run the house. They eat what they want, go to bed when they want. They really don't have rules to abide by and follow.
At our house, all that changes. We have rules that are expected to be followed. We have healthy sit down as a family meals, and a set bedtime. Kids need structure and discipline. They thrive on it.
Another thing that can backfire on you is if you trash talk their dad. I'm not saying you do this, but that will only make them want to stick up for the other parent. As much as we despise my husbands ex, we never talk bad about her around the kids....she is their mother, whether we like it or not, and they are coming to conclusions about her all on their own!!
So, with all this being said, my advice to you would be to love your kids unconditionally. Make them feel wanted, needed, cherished, safe, and secure. Try not to be hurt and upset when they want to spend time with their dad. You should want them to have a good relationship with him. Kids need both parents in their life if possible.
If something happens that they do choose to live with their dad, then as hard as it will be you should support them. If you don't they may resent you for keeping them from their father. If you do, you may end up getting them back before you know it. It's only natural for them to want to know what it would be like to live with their father.
It's a tough subject because as loving parents we want our kids with us at all costs, but that's not always what may be right for them at the time.
Just keep being the great mom that you are, and everything will work out for you.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Dear Brenda
You seem like a very caring mother and step mother.Also you seem to have a equal partner in marriage. I love to read your column. It looks like your husbands ex wife missed out on a great guy. How do you keep it all together with the ex wife and her husband. Is there anywhere you go if you suspect the abuse. Just wondering i am newly married and would hate for any of this to happen to me. Just looking for some advice (link)
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Hi
Thank you for your kind words. My husband is awesome, which makes dealing with all our tragedies with the kids bearable.
We have been battling child protecion services for four years now. We have gotten the police involved, as well as all the government agencies we could think of...ei...childrens advocate, the ombudsman...to no avail. We've even had doctors admit them to the hospital to keep them safe, and still they are always returned to their mother. Seems unreal huh?
We have spent thousands of dollars in court costs, but because she is not the one who is doing the abuse, they are returned to her. In my opinion she's just as guilty if not more for letting it happen. Her abusive husband can't even see his own two kids from a previous marriage without supervision, and yet he can be alone with my stepkids.
Needless to say, we have absolutley no faith in the justice system. We can certainly see why people tend to take justice into their own hands.
Thankfully, my husband and I have a very loving marriage, and we try to stay strong for the kids when they are with us. In a few more years the kids will be able to have a say in where they want to be, and we have no doubt they will be with us then....I just hope they aren't too messed up by then. We want to get them into counselling but she has to agree and of course she won't.
Anyway, thanks again...and if God forbid you or anyone else is ever in this situation....just stay strong...and do everything you possibly can.
Thanks,
Brenda
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I need some advice
my hubby and i have been together for 10 years
we have 3 children ages 9.6.5
Things are stuff some i want to scratch my eye balls with depression
i was wondering
it it normal in the province for the wife to do everything and the husband to beable to work all day and come home and be as you sayit LAZY
and the wife to take care of the kids and then go work all night please Help me Brenda (link)
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Hi
I'm sure it's "normal" in some households, but it's not right.
In my family EVERYTHING is done equally between my husband and I. We both clean, we both cook, we both do laundry, and we both look after our children.
I am very lucky to have a husband like this. Your
husband seems to be of the old school that he goes out and works all day, so that's where his "duties" end...forgetting that you also work, and all night too...when do you sleep?
If you haven't already sat your hubby down and had a very serious talk with him, now would be the time. He needs to realize that household chores, and child rearing are responsibilities that lie with the both of you. It's his house too, and they are his kids too.
Now, if you didn't work outside the home things may be a little different. Not that it would all fall back on you, but you would have the time and energy to do a little more around the house. However, that's not the case.
If talking to him about how you feel doesn't work, and he's pigheaded about the whole issue (which alot of men can be), then more drastic measures could be taken. You could go on strike for a couple of days, to truly show him how much you deal with on a day to day basis. You could also try counselling.
Last but not least, you are totally validated to feel this way. Marriage should be 100/100 from both sides, and you are going to end up more miserable if you don't get this worked out. It's time for open communication!!
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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My parents and I really don't get along because my dad sets double standards between my sister and I.
Well he makes himself impossible to live with. He always says stuff like "I'll smack you in the face if you dont do this.." and the sad part is I'm 18 years old. Yeah I should just move out, but I don't have the financial means to.
It's driving me crazy. I can't seem to do anything right, and he always is quick to point out things I do poorly in rather then see the things I sucueed in.
What should I do? (link)
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Hi
Sounds to me like your dad is borderline abusive. Just because you are 18 and considered an adult, doesn't mean that he cannot abuse you.
You said you don't have the financial means to move out, but I think you realize that that is what you need and must do.
Can you move in with another family member? What about getting a place with a friend? There must be someone who can help you out.
There's also government agencies who can assist you in getting on your feet, getting a job, and getting out of your situation. I'm not sure where you live, but I know in Canada there are such services.
Good luck, and remember that your well-being is most important.
Brenda
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I was supposed to move in with my dad next week because of my stepdad and I not getting along at my mom's house. It was all set and everything. My dad even already has a room cleaned out for me.
Well, this morning, my mom tells me that her and my step dad are getting a divorce. Now, usually I would be extremly happy. But right now I'm not so sure because I don't know if I should still move in with my dad or not. Any ideas? (link)
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Hi
I think you should still move in with your dad...even if it is just temporary.
That will give your mom time to deal with all the issues that she will be dealing with regarding the divorce.
Your dad has already made arrangements to have you move in with him, and is obviously excited. You will be able to have some good quality time with him.
You can still spend time with your mom, and help her through a rough time.
Take care,
Brenda
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i really cant stand my sister. like anytime she says anything, i like want to kill her. she gets on my last nerves, and its at the point that i cant even be in the same room. shes yougner than me, and thinks shes innocent, but she bugs the hell out of me, and i really cant take it. any suggestions to like get her less annoying (there is ab-suh-lutely NO way im going to a therapist) (link)
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Hi
One of the best ways to burst the annoying siblings bubble is to ignore them. Not all the time of course, but when she is especially on your nerves, just pretend she isn't there.
Probably half her fun is to get a rise out you. She knows she annoys you, and you let her, so naturally she will continue to do so. If you ignore her, walk away, whatever, she will soon get the point.
Try it for a month and I bet you will notice a big difference.
Another thing to keep in mind, is that she looks up to you. You're her big sis. Maybe if you included her in your activities every once in a while, she would be more prone to leave you alone.
Good luck,
Brenda
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