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abuse
Dear Brenda
I have been reading your column and noticed you have to deal with abuse. So do i not to sure if it is the same kind.
Do you need evidence like pictures,or have you ever video taped to get this evidence? Or do you have enough by what your step kids say to you and the dad.
My kids are almost old enough to choose to live with their dad too and i am worried they will choose him over me. I almost feel like buying my kids to stay with me. What would you do or their dad do to have them stay with you over their mom.
Just looking for advice
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Hi
We took pictures till they were coming out the wazoo, but all the pictures and what the kids say has not helped us.
I am going to assume that in your case, abuse is not an issue? I am also going by the "rules" in my province...not sure how things work in the States, or overseas.
I would say definitely NOT trying to buy your kids to stay with you. Short term it may get you some gratification, but long term it will surely backfire.
Kids are going to want to be where they feel the safest and loved. Not only do my stepkids get abused at their mothers, but they also get the "freedom" to run the house. They eat what they want, go to bed when they want. They really don't have rules to abide by and follow.
At our house, all that changes. We have rules that are expected to be followed. We have healthy sit down as a family meals, and a set bedtime. Kids need structure and discipline. They thrive on it.
Another thing that can backfire on you is if you trash talk their dad. I'm not saying you do this, but that will only make them want to stick up for the other parent. As much as we despise my husbands ex, we never talk bad about her around the kids....she is their mother, whether we like it or not, and they are coming to conclusions about her all on their own!!
So, with all this being said, my advice to you would be to love your kids unconditionally. Make them feel wanted, needed, cherished, safe, and secure. Try not to be hurt and upset when they want to spend time with their dad. You should want them to have a good relationship with him. Kids need both parents in their life if possible.
If something happens that they do choose to live with their dad, then as hard as it will be you should support them. If you don't they may resent you for keeping them from their father. If you do, you may end up getting them back before you know it. It's only natural for them to want to know what it would be like to live with their father.
It's a tough subject because as loving parents we want our kids with us at all costs, but that's not always what may be right for them at the time.
Just keep being the great mom that you are, and everything will work out for you.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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