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Adoption
Okay. I am 14 and I'm a female. Also I'm adopted. I really hate where I ended up and i really don't like my adopted parents. I was 12 when i was adopted (about 3 years ago). They told me then I didn't have an option about being adopted, they told me i had to be or go back to foster care. Okay the point is I really hate being adopted to them. It has been ruining my life. Also i really hate being seen in public with them, even before adoption i didn't like her. She was my 4th grade teacher and they made me be adopted to her. She's about 54 and her husband is 60, and her dad is 95.I live with them all. None of them even understand me, and another problem is that their really old. they are really disgusting and i can't even stand being in the same room as them. And since i was adopted i've been an only child for the first time of my life and i hate that part the most. I'm really loney every day and no one to talk to. I know for fact i would be better off some where else. i really want to live with my mom again. Kyle and i was taken away from my mom and dad when i was 8 and i was in foster care. mom and dad divorced and kyle was moved to another home. i stayed in the same place for 4 years, i liked it there. Someday i wish it could be my mom and i together again, if that were so i would be really happy. Now i am the only person i have, no one else cares. not even my adopted parents, they don't even respect who i am or who i would like to be some day. When i lived with my real parents my dad abused kyle and i and my mom was good person, she the nicest person i ever knew. My brother Kyle is special ed. and i worry about how he is doing in foster care. i aslo worry about my mom, she's lonely like me... sometimes i wish i could win alot of money and live with my mom in a nice house. i know that i have only about 4 years till i move out, but thats alot of time when you're a teen and i don't want to put my life off because the law forced be to be adopted and depressed. But i'm not that bad off, i make all a's and do weel in school. i play soccer. it's really hard for me to make friends, and i don't know why, before i was adopted i had lots of them. also it's really hard for me to have a boyfriend, all the guys that end up liking me.. i turn away from them. it's really hard for me. it seems that i've been away from people so long( being an olny child in all) i don't know how to be me in front of people. and it makes me really nervous. i have really good friends at church and all. When i'm around them i do fine but when they're not there, i don't know how to act. i'm also affraid to tell people what's wrong. every time they ask i lie and say i'm doing fine just so they can go away. iam really, really not happy. i am also sorry about not writing this all in order, anyway please give me advice. I really need some, noone i know seems to care about how i feel. So please help.
love,
depression of adoption.
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I kinda no how you feel i cant tell no one how i feel i dotn realyl feel excepted at my house...I try to be like them but i cant be perfect you have to sit down and talk to someoen you can trust or talk to the foster care place and tell them yur siruation they should help maybe see if you could choose the ppl you want to live with..About them being old they realyl wont understand you thats why you have to talk to someone yur age..Just go out there be yourself (like you are with yur friends at church) but try to find someoen that will listen and not just ignore you im not sure if i helped but i hope i did!!..
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hi honey
i'm 22, and past the puberty/teen angst thing, but we have a lot in common. i was adopted too..my sister and i were adopted by our maternal grandparents. if we hadn't been, we would have been taken from our biological parents too. our dad was abusive, and so was our mom, but i really can't remember that. i can't totally relate to your situation, but i think i understand some of what you feel. i always wondered why our parents didn't want us enough to take care of us, and why they had to hurt us. when you're adopted, and you can remember it, you always wonder about your birth parents. where they are, what they're doing..etc. but you shouldn't torture yourself over it. i understand that you want to live with your mother, but if she wanted the same thing, she'd be with you. youngrandma gave you some great advice. you need to focus on the positive in your life...you're healthy, you do have a great support system around you..and you're intelligent, atletic, and accomplished. don't focus on wanting to be with your mother, it's her loss! you are a valuable person, and you are wanted. talk to your family about what you said, maybe show them the question (minus the part when you called them disgusting) and you wait and see what they do. don't keep all of the anguish you feel to yourself anymore. it's not healthy, and it feels really really good when you ease that burden. good luck, and remember...none of what happened to your family was your fault. :)
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Hey, what younggrandma said really makes alot of sense, I think you should take that advice in the spirit that it was intended.
What I would like to add is that bottling your emotions is really unhealthy, someday you are going to have to trust someone. I would suggest you find an adult you can trust a therapist would be best as they can't tell anyone what you talk about due to confidentiality if your parents can't afford it or you don't feel you can ask then talking to a counselor at school has the same promise of confidentiality as long as you are not at risk. You say you go to church so there is also the option of your minister or priest.
As for making friends it sounds like you are running away from them because you are afraid to trust and care because you have been through alot in your young life, but constantly fighting your situation is not going to make it better it will only make things worse, being a teenager is not easy and I wouldn't go back for all the money in the world but keeping all this anger and loneliness inside only makes things harder.
You made a great first step by asking advice here now gather your courage and talk to someone who can really help you asking your parents to get you a therapist explaining to them you want to deal with issues around losing your family and all the years of living in foster care. I am sure that they will try their best to help you as they adopted you out of love and want the best for you.
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First I want to apologize ahead of time if what I write seems a little harsh at times. I think at 14 you should be able to accept some reality about your situation though.
You were taken from your home for very good reasons. Your dad was abusive. I am sure your mom
felt she was doing her best but in reality the best she could have done would have been to leave
to protect her children. She did not. You were in foster care for some time. During that time she probably could have done something to get her children back. She did not.
Now, I do not know the situation and won't venture a guess. She may have problems you didn't mention and I am sure she loves you and your brother very much. She just didn't do a good job of mothering you. You will see her again someday. I sure hope you do. In the mean time you have to stop thinking of what it may have been like to stay with her and concentrate on being happy with where you are. None of this is your fault and there was nothing you could do to change things.
Now, your adopted family may be old but they must have cared for you a lot to want to adopt you into their family. You have a nice home you can go to and feel safe while you are there. Nobody is going to abuse you and as much as you say you hate them, I will bet they love you very much.
I think you need to talk more with your adopted mom. Have you asked about your brother? Maybe if you talked to her she would help you see if you could find some information on him. Maybe even be able to see each other now and then.
You would not be better off anywhere else right now. Your mom can take care of herself so you need to stop worrying about her. The day will come when you can see her as an adult. In the mean time you need to start making friends at school. You need to go out and have fun and not feel guilty because you do. And don't feel guilty because you enjoy a nice place to live with people who care. You deserve to be happy...but you have to allow yourself to be.
I think if you do that you will notice a big difference and be better able to make friends and all that. If you really need to talk to someone try talking with the minister at your church. That may also be a help to you.
If you have any questions, feel free to write me. :)
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Hi
It's defintely a tough situation that you are in. The first thought that runs through my head, is how lucky you are that two people loved you enough to pick you and want to adopt you into their family.
Now, I know you don't see it that way. You see it as a forced family situation that you want no part of. That's really very sad for everyone involved.
Your background has laid the groundwork for unhappiness, and not wanting people to get close to you. You keep pushing people away because you want to hurt them before they can hurt you.
Someday you and your biological mother will be together again, but in the meantime do you not think it would make sense to try and make your current situation work to the best of your ability. It's your life and you get to dictate your emotions, and if you live your life miserably or not. You are only making your situation more unbearable by not accepting your adoptive parents.
Have you given them the chance to really get to know you? Have you given yourself the chance to really get to know them? I bet if you opened yourself up to the possiblity of knowing and even possibly loving them, you would notice a HUGE improvement in other aspects of your life (like friends).
As far as your brother is concerned, do you not get the opportunity to visit with him to see how he is doing? Even phone calls, or letters?? This is something you should ask your parent's about. Maybe they could help you to continue a relationship with your brother.
It's also a good idea to not keep your feeling and emotions bottled up inside. They will destroy you if you don't let them out. There must be someone in your life who you can talk to. A friend, a teacher, a coach, a parent, or a guidance counsellor.
You have the opportunity right now to change the course of your life. You could go down a dreary, depressing road, or you could turn it around and be happy, loved, and cherished. You just need to let it happen.
Your parents would not have adopted you if they didn't love you and want you to be a part of their lives. Always remember that.
Good luck, and take care.
Brenda
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Hey.
You tell a sad story, and unfortunatly I know people with stories very much like that *the mother got pregnant and had a child but used so the law gave the child to her sister who had a 24, 22, and 15 year old children. Then the mother got married and had 2 more children. but the husband left and the mom went back to using so they took all the children away.* sure, it's not the same thing, but I mean, they have been taken from their home and put with other people.
My father was an only child. His parents were really old, too. haha, but seriously. He lived off his cousins who showed him support.
Being yourself will help you make friends. and sure, that sounds played out and overused. But I mean, having church friends can't be the only set of friends you have! I have CCD friends *its like chruch but not really--- kinda?!* and then hockey friends who I love! and then my school friends! I mean, I would I do have to say shoot myself if I didnt have friends.
When I'm not around people I am friends with, I act all wiggy.... "Stop being so anti-social" is what my brother always says to me. =]
When you find really good friends.. Or that one best friend, you will be able to tell them everything. I mean, I have 3 people who know everything about me. And I love that.... that I can go to them and tell them things and they arn't just going to tell someone else.
I dont really have a good relationship with my parents. I dont tell them everything. OR anything, for that matter. But if you think you can, talk to them. Ask them why they dont pay attention to you. or if thats not it, they had to be children once? Like 80 years ago sure *for your grandfather!! =]* but hey, that have to remember SOME things. So I would just try... maybe? To talk to them!!
Hope this helps!
<Cat>
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