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Family, Youth and Mental Health CounsellorAge:
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July 13, 2006Answers:
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Hello All, I am counsellor with over 12 years experience specializing in parenting, families, youth and mental health. I answer questions in a blunt and straightforward way so if you are looking for coddling or really touchy feely type advice thats not me I provide real solutions for your problems and concrete suggestions in other words I tell you the plain truth I don't sugarcoat.
I am really worried these days with the easy access to the internet and all the false information that is out there and the fact that people believe it!! So please ask first. I don't claim to have all the answers but I can claim that NOTHING will shock me you can try though :)
I look forward to hearing you thoughts and questions.
advice
i have tried loving this child as if she were my own, shes so rude she screams in my face, and even hit me. i dont wanna go to jail over her and lose my own children. her real mom is in prison, she has not seen or talked to her since she was very young (3-4) shes fine as long as her butt is being kissed. i'm not her friend but i think at 1st i was trying to be. it has all blown up in my face. what way do i turn now?
You need to have a real conversation with your husband and you need to get help, from either a counsellor or social services. If she hits you again, spits at you, or any other form of assault you need to press charges, otherwise it will only get worse. Also you need to make sure that social services is at least aware of the problem now because from my experience if you back her into a corner she will come out with all sorts of allegations and stories that could destroy you and your family.
You are the adult, she needs serious help if she doesn't get it then she will end up in one of two places, jail or dead. I don't mean to be harsh but I have seen this type of situation too many times to count, and it never ends well unless parents and caregivers have the foresight to get help.
You may also want to look into some of the wilderness camps out there that work wonders with these type of kids.
Hope this helps, feel free to ask me for more specific help if needed.
S
I am 42 and I just recently got married to a woman I have known my entire life but we both got married to other people shortly after high school. She has three teenage daughters Sam is 19 Meagan is 18 and Audree is 16. Their father left them shortly after my wife had her youngest daughter and so she has raised them all by herself. They have always been pretty affluent because my wife's family has quite a bit of money and she is a magazine editor. She lets the girls get away with murder and they get everything rthey could possibly even dream of wanting. I have a very big issue with this since my three sons (19 18 aand 17) are expected to follow very strict rules. I was in the army for several years and my children are expected to abide by my rules or face the consequences.
The girls however are completely out of control, especially the youngest one, Audree. My wife and i both agreed on a curfew for the all six kids when they moved in. She convinced me to change the curfew of my sons to be midnight for all of the kids. I agreed but with hesitation. Like always before my kids have always gotten here on time or before their curfew while her daughters completely disregard the rules. For example, Audree was late for curfew 4 times out of the 7 days last week. My wife didn't even talk to her about it. When i confronted her al she said was "She is only 16. I think we should just let her live her life." I found out the other day that her girls have never been grounded, never had acurfew, and are very open about teh fact that they go to parties and drink. Sam has gotten in 4 accidents since she has lived here, and Meagan has her boyrfriend over all the time without supervision, all things i dont tolerate from my own kids. Audree came home in tears the other night because she got a ticket for driving 19 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT! My wife just hugged her and tried to calm ehr down the entire night and i never heard a single word about the ticket, which i had to pay for sicne none of her kids have jobs. I almost feel as if she is condoning this outrageous behavior since she never repremands her kids. I don't know how to explain to my kids about thsi double standard in our house but i feel like i can't interfere quite yet with her disiplining (or lack there of)since i am not their real father and have only been in their lives for 3 years. I just don't know how much more of this disrepect i can take from them. They are beautiful girlsand i love them like my own. I wish i could treat them this way though. I feel like i owe it to them to lay down the law and punsih them for things like curfew and partying and bad grades but i dont know if it will just put more stress on our relationship that could eventually cause tension between my wife and I. How should i handle this?
First off, your new wife is not a parent she is a friend. These girls appear to be desperately pushing the limits to see how far they can push before they are told NO! You need to sit down and tell your wife that this situation is not good for anybody. The girls are only going to crash and burn, if the state/province catches any of them drinking while underage they could be taken and put in a group home/foster care. Your wife needs to get on board or your marriage will not survive.
When we become parents one of the hardest decision we have to make is to actually parent and make the hard choices, to teach our children what rules and boundries are. How can you or your wife expect these girls to be productive stable adults and be successful in life if they are not taught the value of hard work, honesty and the importance of being responsible when they are teens.
This path that your step-daughters are on is one that is fraught with danger, driving drunk has obvious dangers but you only need to pick up a magazine to see where this road is leading. Talk to your wife, go away from the house and find a compromise that works for both of you, then present it as a done deal to all the kids. Follow through on consequencing, start by being creative. Don't ground them, take away their credit cards, cars or other things that hit will actually hit them close to home, that will have an impact and hopefully change their behavior. If the older teens can't take it then give the option of moving out to live as adults!
It will be a hard few months they will test you in ways you can't now imagine, but if you and your wife are on the same page and stick together you will both be better off.
Remember respect is earned, as are privilages. The only "Right" any teenager has is food, shelter, clothing and love.
Hope this helps.
Sara
How can I tell if my husband's friend is trying to wreck our home by hitting on me?
Gender: Female
Age:37
Well first off what do you consider hitting on you? Does he only do it when he catches you alone or in front of others? Have you asked him to stop doing what you find bothersome?? Let me know a bit more info and I will do my best to help you out.
I"m seriously doubting anyone can help me with my problems but here goes anyway. I have a daughter that just turned 18. She is so lost, she has given me problems since she was 11, well now shes 18 and her life consists of black men,crack and sleeping with as many as she can. She was recently disgnosed with a veneral disease and confessed to her oldest sister that she may of slept with a man who was HIV. She is a leading influence on her 13 yr. old sister who is following in her path as hard as she can. I"ve had to get the law to look the 13 yr. old twice this week. She is failing school and I can't reach her. She and her sister are so full of hate towards me, I;ve been called so many foul names, I can't take much more. I'm thinking of sending the 13 yr.old to boot camp. I tried to send my 18 yr. old last year, but they called me to come and get her because she was threating staff. I am a decent person, I dont drink, smoke, I work hard, I feel like its my fault, they are this way. I so depressed, I think it would be better to be dead sometimes, if I didnt have to keep watch on my 82 yr. old father, I saw a therapist once ,but they cost to much. what do I do?
Ok first off the answer from Carmella is so off base its scary. I am a professional mental health worker with over 10 yrs experience specifically with teens. Your 18 yr old is on a road to destruction and there is not alot you can do, her actions are not your fault as an adult she is making her own choices. You need to keep her away from your younger daughter telling her that you will always love her but until she starts to make positive choices she cannot and willnot be a part of your lives.
Your 13 yr old doesn't need bootcamp she needs addiction counselling if she is using and needs an intervention from a family worker, you can ask for help from your local children's aid its free and they will not take your daughter but help you parent her in a way that she needs. When abuse happens you need to ensure that there are consequensces, also use positive re-inforcement so that she is working towards something that she feels is worth it.
If you need more help or further tips please ask, you are not alone, millions of parents are facing this don't give up there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Assuming you went through a staffing agency to get a job & didn't like that job after a few days & quit -- is there any fee/obligation or contract you are on that might not allow that or penalize you (in anyway) for not sticking with the job longer? Thank you.
Depending on the agency your best course of action is to talk to your contact at the agency so they can find another for the position, otherwise they may not use you again or even fire you. Most cannot penalize you at least financially.
Hope this helps.
S
I have a son who will be 25 next week, he is lazy, sleeps all day, doesn not want to work or go to school, his only hobbies are pot and alcohol. He lives at home and it hurts me to see him waste his life, what can I do?
As hard as this may be to do and hear it's time for tough love, you need to tell your son and stick to your guns that he has 3 choices, go to school - at least carrying a load of 4 courses, get a full time job with a minimum of 35 hours a week or move out. By allowing him to stagnate where he is you are enabaling him to be well nothing. Doing this does not mean you don't love him or care it means you care and love him enough to ensure he becomes at least a moderate success.
If you issue this ultimatum and cave you will never get him out of the house, if he refuses to leave you will need to ensure he does, by changing the locks when he goes out and packing for him. He will be angry but this will be best for him in the long run. Make sure you give him a date to accomplish this by I would suggest a one month deadline.
Any other questions please feel free.
Sara
I met him outside of target while i was sitting in the car while my mom was inside. After a while of glanceing at each other he came up and knocked on my window and after talking for a little while he asked for my number.
We have been text messageing each other for a while now and he wants to meet me some where.
The thing is i don't know if h really likes me or not i mean idk he has kind of stopped texting me. Like i mean we will talk but usually i i have to text him 1st. He told me that when he get his first paycheck he wants to take me to the movies, so i am pretty sure he likes me but am not really completely sure.
Also:
He has never seen me walk and i am really nervous because i have Cerebral Palsy. I told him that i do and he said its what on the inside that counts and that he doesnt care but i mean,he hasnt seen me walk and i am really afaird that it will freak him out.
Thanks,
Tory
Well of course you are nervous. All you can do is give it a shot if he judges you or doesn't like you then he wasn't worth your time. I know that it will be hard but knowing is always better then not knowing.
He may be saying all the right things but the not knowing is harder then anything else, so bite the bullet and set up the date when he gets paid, if it works out great if not then chalk it up as a learning experience.
HOH, GOOD LUCK!
i'm not happy with the person I am. I was happy with who I was before I got married but since then I've noticed how like someone close to me I am. The problem? I don't want to be like this person. It's terrible to say but this person is not a good role model, thinking back possibly never has be and when I look at them, I know I don't want to be the same. Weak and afraid and always miserable.
But if I'm already like this person, how can I change? How can I stop becoming something i'm predestined to be? I know it sounds confusing but please help me. I can't talk to this person about it because they would be mortified if they thought I felt this way and they would cry.
We all see things in ourselves that are reminders of those we love and hate in our past and present. The goal is to be self aware enough to stop the negative behaviors. We are not predestined to be anything, life is about choices sometimes both choices suck but there are always choices. It will take time but when you catch yourself and make yourself aware stop the behavior, if you are miserable about aspects of your life change things in your life, if you feel weak find ways to empower yourself and if you are afraid confront those fears.
All of these things are hard to do but through time and effort are possible.
HOH
I am 30 yrs old and female. I have a dead end job and I know that college is the answer but I get a panic attack when I walk through the front door and never go back. Even the thought of it frightens me to death, any advice??
As someone who went back to college in my mid twenties and I was scared shitless!! Your best bet is to bite the bullet and do it, once you are in classes and making friends you'll do fine, and I have never regreted it, not for a nano second and even now at 31 am trying to figure a way to go back for a higher degree!
HOH
hi i am a 22 year old female and am 7 weeks pregnant i just wanted to know if vibrators are safe during early pregnancy
I have never heard that it is dangerous, as having sex is not dangerous unless specifically told by your doctor that it is not ok then have fun!! Some of womens most sexual times/urges is when she is pregnant!!
HOH
My boyfriend (30yrs) and I (28yrs) met in Australia and I moved to Ireland to be with him, we have only been together (officially) for a year. I found out we were pregnant the other day and whilst I am scared and nervous about it I want to have the baby as I feel we are strong enough to get make it happen and abortion is not an option in my mind. My boyfriend said he will support me what ever I decide but I know he is freaked out by it. I have tried talking to him and I understand his fears. He is worried about finances and that our 1/2 renovated house is not child suitable but I think his biggest worry is that is life of going to clubs and festivals during the summer will be over for ever and he will be chained to the couch for ever. I have tried to tell him life will change but its not the end of his life and things will be different. I asked him if the option was there of an abortion would he want that and he said yes he would. This really hurts me as I dont believe in abortion and I am ready for a baby in some way I am actually excited and would have liked it to have been a planned pregnancy and a mutually wanted baby. Later he came back and said he doesn't want me to have an abortion but he is not sure about me having it. What am I meant to do have half a baby and half of an abortion?? What do I do? Do i give him time to get used to the idea? I dont want him to feel forced into this and him become resentful? Do I just go home to Australia and leave him to his party life? (which really aint that party hard anyway). We are a strong strong very happy and in love couple but I dont want to force this on him but then it was the two of us that got pregnant, why am I meant to feel like I am forcing this on him?? oh its all so confusing? can he go to any decent websites for advice on this stuff? I have checked ou a few sights about girlfirends getting pregnant but they are all for younger guys?
Having lived in Ireland myself and marrying an Irish man, here is my take. While much of the culture is perceived to be drinking and carousing the reality is that at the heart of it most Irish men want women who are strong, and capable. Give him some time to digest this but don't let him off the hook either. Tell him that while yes it's unplanned it is a reality that he needs to deal with, it is not a question of you forcing this on him unless you forced him to have sex. He needs to step up he is scared as I am sure you are as well but this is reality. Men are as a rule a little slower then us at digesting information.
While having a child changes things beyond comprehension, in Ireland esp. it does not mean the end of all you know, I remember the first time I was in my local and saw a woman breast feeding while having a few bevvies at the same time. This is the norm there point out to him that this is the next step, try and stick it out and don't go back to Australia until you give a life as a family a solid 200% shot.
If you need to talk/advice on anything pregnancy etc... from one who has been there with an Irishman let me know!
Hi, I'm only 17 years old, but throughout my life I've been fascinated with the Jewish culture and religion. My family doesn't really have a religion, although we always observe christian holidays such as Christmas and Easter, mostly because of tradition and the town we live in. My Uncle is Jewish, so my cousins are, but they don't really practice much of the faith except around their gradnparents. Is it weird that I want to convert to Judaism? Is it possible? If so,how would I go about doing that? Can you be Jewish without being of Jewish descent?
It is possible to convert to Judism. You say your uncle is Jewish I assume that it is an uncle through marriage, you should not only talk with him but with a variety of of people who are Jewish, being Jewish is not like "practicing" another religion it is a way of life. There are also degrees of Judism, you really need to look into this further before make a commitment.
Arm yourself with knowledge and see where that takes you, it also sounds to me like maybe you are searching for more meaning in your life, if you find that with religion great but make sure you do this for the right reasons.
After 2 weeks of having sex with my boyfriend, I go to the bathroom and it hurts when i pee. I get pain down in the vagina and the pain comes up to my lower stomach. I completly skiped my period last month and it hasn't arrived yet. I'v gotten a pregnancy test and shows up negative. Are my hormones messed up and what should I do?
Hey there sounds to me like it you may have an infection. It also could be other things. You really need to go to your doctor or a clinic and get this checked out.
My friend went to college and basically failed out. I am really worried about his future. He has been out of college for a year. I think he should go to a community college at first to help him transition better, but I don't think he'll be up for it. How can I convince him to give college another shot [besides saying that he won't make any money]?
The first time I went to college I quit. I went back later though I just wasn't ready the first time. He may need to work for awhile and realize that there is no money for those with no education. He may need to find his own way as a friend you may need to let him, but when he starts to complain about how hard it is to make good money remind him that by getting an education he is increasing his income with every year he completes.
My friends have told me that you don't need to study for driver's ed..that it's all common sense and just plain easy.
Should I take their advice and not study? I've asked friends from other states and schools and they've all said that studying is pointless, but no one I know has had my driver's ed teacher before.
98% of all of drivers ed is common sense. BUT what about the road signs that don't make sense??? For example when I did my drivers test eons ago I whizzed through most of it then there were a few signs that honestly I would never have known in a million yrs i.e. the one for not carrying nuclear explosives on the highway!!I have never needed to know it but its there) In all honesty though what harm is there in reading through the book?? It will take you all of an hour or so and in the long run more knowledge will increase your safety when driving a car, trust me there are enough bad drivers out there!!!
Ohmygod. Rawr. Right now, I have my period.
Its the worse one I have had in my life.
I have taken 2 midol, its not doing nothing..
My back is killing me, I havent aten in 1 day becasue I have absoutly no appitite, Everthing hurts. Even my legs.
help? What do you take for these things!? Midol used to work, now, it doesnt!
Thanks so much
Every woman is different as to what works best for them, for me advil tends to work better then anything else. Also put a heating pad on your stomach and take a hot bath all of these work wonders. Also when I have really bad cramps I take over the counter muslce relaxants, like robaxacet they allow the cramping muscles to relax. Also your legs hurting is normal the same treatment for the other cramps/pain.
Ain't it grand being a girl...lol Feel Better
I'm totally fed up of people borrowing money from me. My family gives me money to run the house and family(grandma, mother, brother).
My mother is #1 borrower. We have babysitter and she doesn't work but right now she owes me $1500! She doesn't even have the money to give me and I have about $300 to run the house for the rest of the month!
Then my friends they make me buy stuff saying they'll pay me back and they never do! I'm fed up and ready to take a stand.
HOW DO I GEt BACK THe MONEY from:
my mother &&&&
My friends?
Your first step needs to be to stop lending money to ANYONE! For your friends, if they need something and have no money and it is an absolute necessity then they have parents of their own they can ask or they can get a job. If they threaten you with the tired line of well then maybe you are not their friend point out that you are not willing to buy their friendship.
As for your mom, first off for this month when she needs something or if you have to make decsions as to how to spend your remaining money then you need to make sure that it is HER needs that are not being met, not yours or your grandmothers or your brothers. If she can't pay the babysitter then perhaps she needs to look after your brother. If she continues to bug you for money tell her that there is none and from now on if she needs so much money then she has a choice either get a job or get rid of the babysitter and look after your brother herself and then she can have that money, although why a mother would need to be paid to look after her child is beyond me.
You may never get the money back and the answer you are looking for is not in correcting the past its in protecting yourself in the future. I am unaware as to how old you are but this situation no matter your age is not a healthy one, you are the parent and your mother appears to be the child. I would really look into some of the free counselling in your area and address the real issues here you will see then that the issues around money will disappear.
Hope this helps.
I'm torn and at a loss. I'm very close friends with a married couple. The husband has become like my brother. He's very protective of me and has been there for me more than I could ever ask for. I go to church with him, his wife, kids, and his parents. Well, a little over a year ago me and my fiance broke up and I got into the whole partying scene with his wife. One night, this guy was over at their house and she was prancing in front of this guy in a short tshirt and thongs. I ignored it. Then at this party a month or so later, a bunch of us were playing poker and it turned into strip poker. I quit, but she continued playing (she was the only woman playing). She was sitting in a guy's lap and the only thing she was down to was her thongs and cowboy hat. I felt this alone was cheating. Well, things went a little further that night and she told me that her and him kissed. But I feel it may have went further than that. They continued calling each other for a week or so after this happened. I urged her to stop. She'd admit that it was bad, but she would continue. So, I backed off and got back in church. This summer we started hanging out again, and before I know it - I'm pulled right back into the same situation - knowing and seeing her mess with this guy. I've recently found out that she's been with a few more guys that I know. It's so hard for me - I want to tell her husband so bad because it's unfair to him. But I've vowed to stay out of it.
More bad news...I've fallen for her husband hard. Feelings I've never felt before, I'm feeling for him. Sometimes the way he looks at me and talks to me - I feel he may feel the same way. My mom believes he feels feelings for me also but he's trying so hard to make his marriage work. His mother has made comments to me and my mom before that she wishes he would have met me before his current wife because he would date me in a heartbeat. I've backed off from him because I know I don't need to feel the way I do. But he'll call me or will come see me and I just break down b/c it hurts so much. I just dont know what to do. Can someone help me and steer me into a direction that's right? I don't feel I'm in a position to be a homewrecker...
Ok there is more then one issue here as far as I can tell, first off your attraction for your friends husband; this is honestly a no go zone. If and I believe when they end their marriage you can re-evaluate the situation as a new issue for the time being you should try and take yourself out of that triangle as much as possible by giving them space to realize that their marriage is not working.
The 2nd issue is that of telling your friends husband about her indiscretions. If this comes from you he will most likely resent you for bearing the news forever. If however the topic were to come up in conversation with his parents, or mutual friends then you would not be the only one bearing the burden of this information.
Keep in mind that this woman is a mother as well and although she is acting like anything but one she is still a mom and to damage her in the eyes of her husband and therefore them reminding her of this may help her to either stop this immature behavior or force her to make a decsion in regards to her marriage.
Hope this helps.
if you are hiv positive can u still get a belly ring and tattoo please let me know
Most places will not do a piercing or tattoo on someone who is HIV positive. It is not a question of your right to have a tattoo or piercing it is a question of the person giving it too you. It is their choice who they wish to give body art too, when receiving either of these services you are asked to sign a waiver which is legaling binding that states that you do not have HIV, AIDS, Hep C or any other disease that can be passed by the blood or bodily fluids. IF you say you are free and clear and God forbid something happens and it can be traced to you you are liable and if it is HIV which leads to the person infected to get aids here in Canada you can be charged with attempted murder, negligant homicide if the person dies or at the very least assault.
There are places that will still do either piercing or tattoo without asking any questions, but in my experience those are the types of places that you should avoid!!
Any other questions let me know.
Well, i just found out that hemp(the stuff you make bracelets with) is marijuana. Is it possible to smoke it ?! =]
In a word NO!!! Hemp is made from the same plant, but not with the part of the plant that you smoke. Smoking it is the same as smoking your jeans or t-shirt.