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teenagers driving me nuts
I"m seriously doubting anyone can help me with my problems but here goes anyway. I have a daughter that just turned 18. She is so lost, she has given me problems since she was 11, well now shes 18 and her life consists of black men,crack and sleeping with as many as she can. She was recently disgnosed with a veneral disease and confessed to her oldest sister that she may of slept with a man who was HIV. She is a leading influence on her 13 yr. old sister who is following in her path as hard as she can. I"ve had to get the law to look the 13 yr. old twice this week. She is failing school and I can't reach her. She and her sister are so full of hate towards me, I;ve been called so many foul names, I can't take much more. I'm thinking of sending the 13 yr.old to boot camp. I tried to send my 18 yr. old last year, but they called me to come and get her because she was threating staff. I am a decent person, I dont drink, smoke, I work hard, I feel like its my fault, they are this way. I so depressed, I think it would be better to be dead sometimes, if I didnt have to keep watch on my 82 yr. old father, I saw a therapist once ,but they cost to much. what do I do?
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ok lady ...ima b totally honest your kids wouldnt b that way if u actually acted lke a mother and help your daughter get off drugs and realize she doesnt have to sleep with men for attention....you dont need to send ne1 newhere b a mom yell...ground...maybe your kids hate you bc uve never cared ...n caring doesnt mean let them do whatever they want careing means you dont let them do the things that will screw up their lives......b a freakin mom ....stop letting ur girls walk all over you...
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Ok first off the answer from Carmella is so off base its scary. I am a professional mental health worker with over 10 yrs experience specifically with teens. Your 18 yr old is on a road to destruction and there is not alot you can do, her actions are not your fault as an adult she is making her own choices. You need to keep her away from your younger daughter telling her that you will always love her but until she starts to make positive choices she cannot and willnot be a part of your lives.
Your 13 yr old doesn't need bootcamp she needs addiction counselling if she is using and needs an intervention from a family worker, you can ask for help from your local children's aid its free and they will not take your daughter but help you parent her in a way that she needs. When abuse happens you need to ensure that there are consequensces, also use positive re-inforcement so that she is working towards something that she feels is worth it.
If you need more help or further tips please ask, you are not alone, millions of parents are facing this don't give up there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
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I think you need to sit both of them down and just talk to them, no yelling, just sincere talk. That would help me. But as for getting them to stop acting out, thats a toughy. That's a decision they're just going to have to take. As for the boot camp, don't send her away just yet, that would make her rebel and cause more hatrid to you. Maybe research the internet on some consquences to what the 18yr old does and scare her out of it. That could help.
--Natalie
GOOD LUCK!
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ALright imma give you the advice as honest as i can....ask yourself the following questions...were you ALWAYS there for your daughter when they were younger?Because your 18 year old daughter wont act like this because you treated her badly for one day....this happened because either your daughter fealt misunderstood by you for years OR you just spoiled her.OK,anyway this can be fixed and dont think all suicidal or that you want to die because you know,think of it...if you die,whatll happen to these girls?If they had a one in a million chance to change,youll ruin that chance by dying.anyway for your younger daughter,you need to have a lonnnng talk with her and be as sweet and understanding with her as possible,advize her and tell her whats right and whats wrong,to do that you have to go down to her age and be like her BUT give her the advice of a woman your age would give.You need to be like her best freind,thats what my mommy always did with me...im 16 and im like a totall mommys girl and my mom knows everything about me....why you ask?Because she taught me to do this ever since i was litle.For your older daughter...what do you mean you cant control her?your her MOTHER you can beat her if you wanted and she cant say a thing,i think the first thing you should do with her is to have the talk with her too,sit her down and tell her all you have to say,ask her what you did that made her this way,if she refuses to sit and listen simply just lock the doors and ban her from going out if she wanted and give her no money.she can cry her ass off if she wants YOU are the one that is in control not her.You know,mabey if you all were closer to god and religion none of this would happen...what about her father?if hes around he needs toknow what his daughter is doing.BE strong and dont give up on your daughters because god will judge you for what they do.
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35/m
You have my sincere condolences for your situation. I really don't know if I can say anything that will help, but I will try. Please be aware that I have never faced anything remotely like what you are going through, so this advice falls under for-what-it's-worth.
As a practical matter, it's going to be hard to rein in the 18-year-old any further. She is, after all, a legal adult. All she has to do to get out from under your influence is just say she wants to be, and what you want no longer has any bearing. You can't send her to boot camp or anywhere else if she doesn't want to go.
Her younger sister is someone you can exert some influence on. I think sending her off might be the best thing you can do. She isn't likely to listen to you anyway, so if you can at least get her out from under the influence of her sister, then that's accomplishing something.
You don't mention whether your oldest is still living at home. If she is, then you do have that much influence, although she could leave anytime. What concerns me most is the idea that you could be in physical danger. People on crack aren't known for being reasonable, and if you ever suspect that your daughter may become violent with you, you need to take action immediately. You owe it to your younger child to keep yourself safe.
I suggest you give your 18-year-old an ultimatum. She must clean up her act, or take it elsewhere. In other words, shape up or ship out. She will probably choose the second option, and you will have to let her go. BUT - make it clear that it's the behavior you're throwing out, not her. If she needs a place to come back to after she's gone through the wringer, and she's willing to make a real effort to get clean and decent, be sure she knows that she still has a home.
Speaking of home, it might be time to consider changing your location. One thing I know about bad behavior in kids is that it's very difficult for them to break it when they are constantly surrounded by the bad influences that keep them there - friends, gangs, drug sources, or what have you. You indicate that you don't have much money, but see if there's ANY way you can relocate to someplace a few hundred miles away. It might save all your lives.
I don't know what kind of parent you've been; I can't say whether any of this is your fault, or if it would have happened to the best of us. However, one thing is clear, which is that something will have to change. As you are well aware, you can't go on this way, and neither can your kids.
One more thing... I feel compelled to point out that although there is something wrong with using crack and promiscuous sex, there is nothing inherently evil about black men. I'm sure that the ones she's hanging around are bad characters, but it's not because they're black; that's beside the point.
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The 18 year old is an adult and needs to be gone out of your house. It is tough to do but hopefully it will wake her up. If not, you and the rest of the family don't have to sit there and watch it happen.
She isn't listening to you and she probably won't.
She is a bad influence on your 13 year old and you can't have that. Don't allow her to do that anymore.
The 13 year old can be sent to boot camp. I see nothing wrong with that. Hopefully it will do some good. If you give her sister the boot, she will see how serious you are and if you're lucky will get a clue.
You don't have to see a therapist to get help for depression. See your family doctor. If you don't have one, just look in the phone book and find yourself one. That combined with sending your adult daughter out into the real world with help a lot.
Don't take it anymore. Tell the 18 year old to stay with friends until she finds her own place and do not allow her back until she has found treatment and changed in a big way. It will be very hard for you to do. I know that. You have to though. She is an adult and you can no longer legally tell her what to do. She is not going to change her behavior unless she gets a BIG wake up call. Give her info for a homeless shelter when she leaves.
Good luck.
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Your 11-year-old really needs a spanking and to be taught how to respect her mother. I think some theraphy sessions or better yet a psychiatrist is needed to get her life in order and turned around before she becomes like her sister.
This kid needs an outlet to vent and talking to a psychiatrist will do that. This person can point out to her that she's on a collisson course with disaster but still has the power to change her life unlike her sister. She needs to see where her sister's behavior will lead her.
I don't know if the police will still do this for concerned parents but maybe you can have her tour a police station, country jail, court house and have people within the judicail system and police giv e her a tour and sit down and explain what happens to people like her sister or herself if they continue this lifestyle.
I hate to say this as I know how hard it is to turn your back on your own child but you need to cut your 18-year-old lose, stop supporting her financially and don't let her live with you anymore.
Insist she become a responsible adult and get off drugs or you, her sister, nor father will not speak to her again or consider her to be part of your family until she does so.
Point out you're 11-year-old is forbidden to interact with her as well. Stay firm to this and let her learn lessons as I'm sure she will be forced to turn her life around before she hits rock bottom if her family doesn't want her around until she cleans up.
If for any reason you feel her actions could lead to death or this strategy will not work get the family together and stage an emergency intervention after you have found a facility to take her in that are not intimidated by her and will put a stop to threats and lashing out. She needs it.
If nothing works with the 11-year-old keep calling boot-camps etc until you find one that can handle her and know how to difuse her behaviour, threats, acting out and being violent.
Good luck!
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Your probably not going to like what i'm about to say but you've asked for advice..
You care too much about your daughters, you love them so much that it hurts to let them go. I'm sorry but if they hate you and they want to live their lives because they think they know everything.. let them!
They obviously think they can handle everything so give them the freedom they want, kick them out of your house!
Anyone who calls you foul names and makes you feel like you should end your life doesn't deserve to have the love and respect your giving them.
Give them what they deserve.. nothing!!!!
Your their mother and you will love them continuously but you don't deserve this.
Seriously think about this. You are a good person and you deserve good! This isn't for one second your fault. The world has changed and teenagers are growing up a lot faster then what they should. Your girls think they know everything but lets see how much they really know when they don't have you around anymore.
They know that it doesn't matter how many times they screw you over that they are always welcome back, make them learn the hard way!
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Send the oldest one to a boot camp, or something. Like, seriously .You don't deserve that..if I ever said bad words or something to my mom, I'd be off to in all girl boarding school. Infact, send the younger one to an all girl boarding school. Save the younger one, before its too late..
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my cousin was in a gang and her parents couldn't control her. she would leave the house whenever she wanted come back whenever she wanted. her parents felt hopeless...so they sent her to texas to live with me and my strict family, and fortunately in the place i live, you can't really get into much trouble...kinda like a farm. i say you should send her away to a stricct relatives house that lives out in the boondox or kick her out of the house. Tell her that if she would rather sleep on the street then follow your rules, so be it. It may take a few heartbreaeking days but hopefully she will see how good she really has it with you. It worked for my cousin, but hopefully it will also work out for you.
good luck
-S2mB
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If you send them to church school/boot camp/any where else that might help. They're probably just trying to impress their friends. I honestly feel sorry for you... If someone that she "respected" would talk to her, and tell her that this life that she is enjoying so much, is going to be gone soon, because these diseases kill you. Another option, you could give up on her, make her think you don't care, she might come back feeling sorry.. but that's just, I don't know. But I really think you should put the 13 year old in a church school, to get her away from her bad-friend-influences. Most church schools/church academies cost $300-$800 monthly. I would give you more options if I knew of any, but there's not much to say. I'm so sorry!
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The state also has a lot of resources at [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Next call a family meeting - and write up a lit of rules
No sleeping around
No men over the house
No yelling, screaming or swearing
Pick up after yourself
etc
Have everyone sign it and date it. Also, list the punishments - grounding, taking way privleges, removing the door or finally leave your house.
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wow seems like your kids are terrible too you almost like they need to be hospitalized or go to a residential home, you shouldnt have to deal with this, you have bigger problems, thats not fair, your 13 year old needs to go to boot camp and try getting a therpist your insurrance can cover they help a great deal hopefully i helped! if you ever need anything let me know
-askxbrooke
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