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Step Family
I am 42 and I just recently got married to a woman I have known my entire life but we both got married to other people shortly after high school. She has three teenage daughters Sam is 19 Meagan is 18 and Audree is 16. Their father left them shortly after my wife had her youngest daughter and so she has raised them all by herself. They have always been pretty affluent because my wife's family has quite a bit of money and she is a magazine editor. She lets the girls get away with murder and they get everything rthey could possibly even dream of wanting. I have a very big issue with this since my three sons (19 18 aand 17) are expected to follow very strict rules. I was in the army for several years and my children are expected to abide by my rules or face the consequences.
The girls however are completely out of control, especially the youngest one, Audree. My wife and i both agreed on a curfew for the all six kids when they moved in. She convinced me to change the curfew of my sons to be midnight for all of the kids. I agreed but with hesitation. Like always before my kids have always gotten here on time or before their curfew while her daughters completely disregard the rules. For example, Audree was late for curfew 4 times out of the 7 days last week. My wife didn't even talk to her about it. When i confronted her al she said was "She is only 16. I think we should just let her live her life." I found out the other day that her girls have never been grounded, never had acurfew, and are very open about teh fact that they go to parties and drink. Sam has gotten in 4 accidents since she has lived here, and Meagan has her boyrfriend over all the time without supervision, all things i dont tolerate from my own kids. Audree came home in tears the other night because she got a ticket for driving 19 MILES OVER THE SPEED LIMIT! My wife just hugged her and tried to calm ehr down the entire night and i never heard a single word about the ticket, which i had to pay for sicne none of her kids have jobs. I almost feel as if she is condoning this outrageous behavior since she never repremands her kids. I don't know how to explain to my kids about thsi double standard in our house but i feel like i can't interfere quite yet with her disiplining (or lack there of)since i am not their real father and have only been in their lives for 3 years. I just don't know how much more of this disrepect i can take from them. They are beautiful girlsand i love them like my own. I wish i could treat them this way though. I feel like i owe it to them to lay down the law and punsih them for things like curfew and partying and bad grades but i dont know if it will just put more stress on our relationship that could eventually cause tension between my wife and I. How should i handle this?
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Hi. Sorry for the delay in answering your question. Before I start, I think its fair to warn you that I am not an expert in relationships, and relationship related problems. I will do my best though.
First of all, I can certainly understand your frustration with the way your step daughters are being treated. I believe a certain amount of discipline is necessary in raising a child.
However, at the same time, I can't say I have any experience with the extremely strict system you describe.
Whichever way one chooses to go, it is very important that both parents are consistent. Deciding whether or not it is correct for you to start to discipline the children, is something you should decide with your wife. Unlike the first time however, this time you should try to make the arrangement more defined (in regards to specific consequences and areas of responsibility).
Make an "official" agreement, and let the kids know this ahead of time. For example, from now on matters relating to curfews will be handled by you, and only you. You can also let them know exactly what violation of those rules imply ahead of time.
What I think is important here is that you ease into it. If you lay down the law overnight and suddenly impose a whole new set of rules, then you might alienate the kids. However, if you do this bit by bit, and with your wife's backing then I dont think its too early for you to step in as the father figure.
The first step is to have another serious talk with your wife. Explain to her how much this is frustrating you, she must understand that the double standard is something that is unsustainable in the long run. It is unfair to your children, and it teaches hers that they can get away with anything.
I think that a compromise of some sorts is the only way to solve this problem though. I dont think military styled discipline will ever work in that household. Somehow, both of you need to agree on some sort of middle road, define clear rules and areas of responsibility, and learn to work as one unit.
I know I haven't exactly presented anything revolutionary here, but if I were in your situation this is how I would try to proceed. I hope you manage to resolve this matter as painlessly as possible.
Good luck.
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Wow! You have a real-life Brady Bunch! But unfortunately, things are never as easy as they are on tv, are they?
I think I can make a few suggestions that might help though. (This is a LONG answer- but it's not so easy of a problem) =)
In Dale Carenegie's classic book 'winning friends and influencing people' he says that only way to make someone do something is to make them WANT to do it.
Having been in sales for a long time, I know that this is true. It's very hard to change people, or even persuade them to your way of thinking- if they don't WANT to make that change. You may succeed in other ways but this will usually just end up leaving them resentful for being 'forced' to change their ways.
So how can you get your wife to adjust her habits and share some of the same practices that you have with raising the kids? That is, by making her WANT to? One thing that might help is if the two of you can have an honest talk about this and explain to her that a parent's main job is to prepare their children for the outside world.
Some parents believe that they are being a good parent by giving their children everything that they desire and don't realize that they are often doing MORE HARM THAN GOOD. Why? Because they aren't preparing the children to go on and live independent lives, the kids learn nothing or very little about how the real world works, I can go on and on with this- but the bottom line is that your wife is neglecting the MOST IMPORTANT part of the job.
It's not her job to be their best friend. She has to be willing to be the 'bad guy' sometimes or they will miss out on a lot of important life lessons- and they will NOT BE PREPARED for the real world. She needs to understand that she is not doing them any favors by giving in to their every wish. And that the kids may hate her for it now, and kick and scream, but will be grateful for this later.
If they don't learn that there are limits, learn responsibility, etc. then they will have much bigger problems down the line- problems with relationships, jobs, etc.
And there could be more serious problems than that if they are drinking, speeding, etc.
Again, bring it to her attention that being a parent does NOT mean being a friend.
I know a family that was well-off and did similar things with their kids. The kids are all in their 30's now and STILL dependant on the family for support because they never learned to do things on thier own, never had expectations, and frankly, just never lived in the 'real world' so now they have no clue how to survive and support themselves on their own. I'm sure that this is not what your wife wants for her children. So unless she wants to be supporting those kids until the day she dies then she better makes some changes ASAP.
But you will also have to probably make a few adjustments yourself in order for this to work. First, you need to understand that's it's very hard to change a habit OF YEARS overnight....so you will have to be patient and work with her on this. Think baby steps. Try to break things down into small, achievable goals and tackle them one at a time. Maybe first deal with the drinking issue, then the curfew, and on down the line. Don't insist on making a dozen radical changes all at once- that won't happen, and it might cause an all out war in the household. You can't reverse the habits of years in a snap.
Second, given the way you described yourself- with a military background and a strict, 'rules' kinda-guy, you may have to make a few compromises yourself for the sake of sanity in the household. It sounds like you have already made some attempts- which is a good sign- so see if there's a middle ground that you can agree to and try to stick to that. (I know this is much harder to do than it sounds, but keep working at it). Counseling can help there, because you have an OBJECTIVE MEDIATOR to help you reach this common ground and work out the details. A counselor might also be able to determine if there are underlying causes for your wife doing the things that she does.
Ex: is she afraid of distancing her kids- that they won't love her anymore if she's tough? Too insecure to play the 'bad guy' when needed? Sometimes parents try to fill a void or an insecurity by raising children that are ever-dependant on them, so that they always feel needed. It gives them a sense of worth and value that they may be missing otherwise. So seeing if there's a root to this problem- and dealing with that- is usually the best way to go. Otherwise the problem may just keep repeating itself if you don't get to the root of it. Like a weed that re-grows if you just pull of the end of it.
That's the best that I can tell you.
It won't be easy, but like they say, nothing worthwhile doing ever is. =)
Good luck, and hang in there!
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First off, your new wife is not a parent she is a friend. These girls appear to be desperately pushing the limits to see how far they can push before they are told NO! You need to sit down and tell your wife that this situation is not good for anybody. The girls are only going to crash and burn, if the state/province catches any of them drinking while underage they could be taken and put in a group home/foster care. Your wife needs to get on board or your marriage will not survive.
When we become parents one of the hardest decision we have to make is to actually parent and make the hard choices, to teach our children what rules and boundries are. How can you or your wife expect these girls to be productive stable adults and be successful in life if they are not taught the value of hard work, honesty and the importance of being responsible when they are teens.
This path that your step-daughters are on is one that is fraught with danger, driving drunk has obvious dangers but you only need to pick up a magazine to see where this road is leading. Talk to your wife, go away from the house and find a compromise that works for both of you, then present it as a done deal to all the kids. Follow through on consequencing, start by being creative. Don't ground them, take away their credit cards, cars or other things that hit will actually hit them close to home, that will have an impact and hopefully change their behavior. If the older teens can't take it then give the option of moving out to live as adults!
It will be a hard few months they will test you in ways you can't now imagine, but if you and your wife are on the same page and stick together you will both be better off.
Remember respect is earned, as are privilages. The only "Right" any teenager has is food, shelter, clothing and love.
Hope this helps.
Sara
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wow, as I read through your question I just thought about those rich movie star kids. I know you feel being strict is the way but you need to understand that the girls have been put through changes too. Maybe you should sit your kids down and be frank with them. And then as your wife if you could speak with your new daughters. And if she agrees then sit them down and be frank with them also, explain to them that you know that you are not their father and dont want to replace him.
But you would like to be apart of their lives and explain to them how you are. What rules you feel will help keep them safe. And that you would like for them to come to you if they have any problems you will listen and try to help them work things out. And then you need to sit your wife down and talk to her. Explain to her how your ways are and that you dont want to be an iron hand but a loving part of her daughters lives and you two need to work together in keeping them safe. I dont know if this will help but give it a shot.
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I can only imagine what this is like for you, having never been in a similar situation myself.
This much is clear, however: you won't be able to do anything on your own. The girls have absolutely no reason to listen to you or give your disciplinary measures any weight as long as their mother does nothing. They know that they can always go to her and receive a get-out-of-jail-free card, so why should they bother worrying about what you think?
They're in desperate need of discipline, that's for certain. Unfortunately, 16 years of lax parenting has done its damage, and it will be very difficult to undo at this stage of their lives. Since you are still a relative newcomer, they're likely to blame you for what they will see as unreasonable demands and intrusions into their lives. Finally, the 18 and 19 year old are both legal adults and there is a limit to what you can do about them; you can insist on a curfew, but you have no real means of enforcing it, since as a legal matter they can be out as late as they want.
In order to have any effect on these girls whatsoever, you need to get their mother on the same page with you. That is a fact, and if she won't do it you may as well give up on the matter, because nothing you do on your own will make the slightest difference.
In the case of the older two girls, you're limited in your tactics due to the fact that they don't have to live under your roof; they can go off on their own any time they want to (though how they'll survive I have no idea). Actually, the most effective course of action may be to kick them out - in which case you will have gained two very bitter enemies who will use your relationship with their mother to retaliate. Furthermore, if you use other tactics on the sixteen-year-old (who you do have some measure of control over), she will resent it and likewise turn against you.
So, what can you do? In the end, the sad answer may be "nothing". But there is one thing that might do a little bit of good.
I suggest you talk with each of the girls, one on one, and see if you can give them the benefit of a little wisdom. Address the problems that they're all having as a result of their behavior, or the problems that they're GOING to have, and see if you can get them to at least think about whether that's the way they should be living their lives (fortunately, you've got no shortage of bad examples to point to in the media: Paris Hilton, Linsdey Lohan, Britney Spears, Nicole Richie, etc.). Maybe they'll blow you off; maybe it won't do any good. But at least you'll have given them fair warning for what's coming, which is that Life is going to give each of them a major wake-up call someday.
And, it goes without saying that you should be careful not to let your boys be affected by this, if at all possible. Fortunately, they should be able to see for themselves the consequences of having no self-discipline, and it shouldn't be hard to keep them on the right path. They'll probably be thanking you for raising them right after all is said and done.
When it does come down to disciplining the girls, there are some effective measures you can probably take. I'm assuming they have access to a car, or that they each have their own vehicles. However, if the title is in yours or your wife's name, you can take away the keys. If you're paying their cell phone bill, you can cancel that account. If they get some kind of allowance, you can cut it off.
These things may or may not be effective, but they will definitely NOT work if you and your wife are not working together. If she's undermining your efforts to discipline the girls, then nothing you do will ever have any effect.
Someday, these girls are going to go too far, and when they do you AND their mother need to be united - or they will divide you. If it comes down to a choice, odds are your wife will choose her children over you. You need to show your wife that by setting necessary limits and making them face certain consequences, she IS choosing the welfare of her children. If she can't understand that, then I suggest that for the sake of your own kids and your own sanity, you end the marriage on your own terms.
It's a terrible situation. Best of luck to you and your family.
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You need to do two things (1) have a sit down heart to heart with your wife (2) kids need consequences, or they will grow up thinking that they can get away with murder, literally and figuratively. Be fair. Be reasonable. Be consistent. Act with love. Best of luck!
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