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Cheating: Shattered Friendships & In Love with Spouse
I'm torn and at a loss. I'm very close friends with a married couple. The husband has become like my brother. He's very protective of me and has been there for me more than I could ever ask for. I go to church with him, his wife, kids, and his parents. Well, a little over a year ago me and my fiance broke up and I got into the whole partying scene with his wife. One night, this guy was over at their house and she was prancing in front of this guy in a short tshirt and thongs. I ignored it. Then at this party a month or so later, a bunch of us were playing poker and it turned into strip poker. I quit, but she continued playing (she was the only woman playing). She was sitting in a guy's lap and the only thing she was down to was her thongs and cowboy hat. I felt this alone was cheating. Well, things went a little further that night and she told me that her and him kissed. But I feel it may have went further than that. They continued calling each other for a week or so after this happened. I urged her to stop. She'd admit that it was bad, but she would continue. So, I backed off and got back in church. This summer we started hanging out again, and before I know it - I'm pulled right back into the same situation - knowing and seeing her mess with this guy. I've recently found out that she's been with a few more guys that I know. It's so hard for me - I want to tell her husband so bad because it's unfair to him. But I've vowed to stay out of it.
More bad news...I've fallen for her husband hard. Feelings I've never felt before, I'm feeling for him. Sometimes the way he looks at me and talks to me - I feel he may feel the same way. My mom believes he feels feelings for me also but he's trying so hard to make his marriage work. His mother has made comments to me and my mom before that she wishes he would have met me before his current wife because he would date me in a heartbeat. I've backed off from him because I know I don't need to feel the way I do. But he'll call me or will come see me and I just break down b/c it hurts so much. I just dont know what to do. Can someone help me and steer me into a direction that's right? I don't feel I'm in a position to be a homewrecker...
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I completely agree with Ahnee! I have had similar situation happen to someone I know. Except, she was not in love with the husband. She was just very close friends with him and his wife.
She tried staying out of it, but before long she was pulled into the web of lies that entangled her friend's wife. She could not take it any more and cut off all contact with her friend's wife. This made the husband think and he ended up catching his wife making regular trips to another city just to have an affair with some guy.
BUT she now does not see either of them. The woman blamed her for the husband finding out and the husband hated her for not telling him.
I think that if you vowed to stay out of it, then you should stick to your vows. Yet, another part of me thinks that honesty is the best policy. If you decide to tell him what you know, he needs to understand how torn you are about all of this. You want to stay loyal to both friends, but how can you when one wants you to keep secrets.
Personally, I think it would be disrespectful to keep this from him. What his wife is doing is wrong and she will keep doing it unless someone forces her to face her demons.
Ultimately, you should do what you would want someone to do for you in this situation.
Good Luck and Keep me posted.
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Ok there is more then one issue here as far as I can tell, first off your attraction for your friends husband; this is honestly a no go zone. If and I believe when they end their marriage you can re-evaluate the situation as a new issue for the time being you should try and take yourself out of that triangle as much as possible by giving them space to realize that their marriage is not working.
The 2nd issue is that of telling your friends husband about her indiscretions. If this comes from you he will most likely resent you for bearing the news forever. If however the topic were to come up in conversation with his parents, or mutual friends then you would not be the only one bearing the burden of this information.
Keep in mind that this woman is a mother as well and although she is acting like anything but one she is still a mom and to damage her in the eyes of her husband and therefore them reminding her of this may help her to either stop this immature behavior or force her to make a decsion in regards to her marriage.
Hope this helps.
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Do not be a homewrecker, you'll never forgive yourself. If a marriage is already over and a guy wants to be with you, that's one thing, but if he's trying hard to make it work and you're around, doing anything, you could be the element that makes it all fall apart. Is that what you want yourself to be?
Forget him and leave and quit spending time with him, he's MARRIED! You should never be alone with him if his wife isn't there. You should not concern yourself with his wife's actions, they're none of your business. Yes, men and women can be friends and help each other out but the second feelings come up on either side, that friendship element is null and void.
I can tell that you're one of those people who wants to believe in marriage, and so even if you're not THE factor that breaks it up, playing a role in it will eat you alive. Don't put yourself through all that.
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You're in a tough situation, there's no denying that. Giving the wife an ultimatum is a great idea. If she doesn't go for it, don't go running to the husband and tattling on her. Letting something casually slip so to speak might be a good idea. Then he would probably look into it and figure everything out on his own. This isn't something you want to get in the middle of. If it gets ugly, make sure the kids are okay. Be there if the parents need you to take them for awhile.
Speaking of the kids, how old are they?
If they're older teens or adults it may be best if the parents split up. Persuing a relationship with the husband would be fine after this, but make sure you wait awhile. Remember though, he may not feel the way about you that you think he does.
If the kids are younger this marriage needs to be salvaged. Even if it's not falling apart yet, it could easily start and for the kids' sake they should stay together at least until the kids are out of the house. Encourage them to get into counseling.
Lastly, none of this is your fault. You're not a homewrecker in any way shape or form. Everyone has choices they can make in their lives and if that family falls apart, it has nothing to do with you. It's not like you are spreading viscious rumors or planting condoms in their things. You're just being a good friend. Good luck.
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Well that sounds like quite the situation. You mentioned getting back into church, being a child of God you should know God promotes marriage. I do not believe God condones leaving marriages and I KNOW he does NOT approve of cheating. Maybe you could try ministering to your friend about her behavior, other then that your obligation is to NOT be with her husband regardless of other people's opinion. He is a married man and it will never be okay to be with him, especially while he is married. The baggage that comes with him, is more then you should want to bare. It's funny because I have recently been in a situation like that, and I have to tell you nothing good came of it. RUN AWAY as fast as you can!! I know I say this all the time BUT, you can not control the actions of other people, but YOU ARE responsible for your actions. You have to be the strong one and say no, and do not get involved with him. I also think it's not your place to try and sort out their marriage. My friend has been cheated on numerous times, and I've learned no matter what I say is not going to change her mind, in fact she ends up taking her anger out more on me. Sometimes people just don't want to hear it instead they'd rather ignore it and not deal with things. SO all I can tell you is stay away from him in a romantic way and just try and live your life. It's a complicated situation you should stay far away from, it will only bring you down. If you'd like to further conversate on this topic, please feel free to send a message to my personal email... kellieslaw@aim.com. I have a very close personal experience with this topic.
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ok i guess ill just throw my opinion out there.
you need to tell youre friend that she either needs to tell her husband or you will. this may sound messed up but he seems to be a close friend, someone you would even say is as close as a brother. I'm sure he would do the same for you. If you do tell him and they break up I don't suggest throwing yourself into a relationship with him for quite a while. You know when children are involved it just makes things that much more difficult. but you can't let a friend go on hurting like this, it isn't fair to anyone.
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