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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

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Why would he say we have a banter between his female friend and him rather than flirting? Any clear meaning of banter when a man says that? Thanks

I would suppose it depends entirely on the person, how they think, their usual choice of words, etc.

Now if you asked what it would mean if I said I was bantering, it would mean sharing some chit chat, light conversation, exchange of phrases but not necessarily a full conversation. Bantering to me is a stage before deep conversation. It is a place where I wouldn't feel too serious about the person, unlike someone who was a friend or family member for example. The word may mean something totally different to him. Men don't tend to play word games or play mind games as a general observance. It is more the females who over think and want to dissect everything looking for a double meaning or something hidden. Guys are pretty straight forward. So if he calls it bantering, then it means he is attempting communication with someone in a light-hearted way, maybe some teasing but nothing serious according to my point of view.
If he wanted to flirt with you, you would know it. Trust your woman's intuition. Also, a guy does not seek out a female to chat with, talk with, banter with, phone or text if he isn't interested at some level, either friendship or more. He figures it a dangerous thing to give any type of friendly attention even in light bantering to a female he is not interested in for fear it could backfire with the female assuming he is in love with her and she begins to pursue him.

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So 25/female

I used to think living with a guy for a roommate would be so much less drama but I was wrong.

I live with my best friend, well the guy I thought was my best guy friend. And lately he is becoming extremely rude and insulting and I don't know what to do anymore because we have another 5 months of our lease and neither of us can afford to break it.

I don't know if this started around the time I rejected his advances romantically. Well actually it was more sexual advances than romance because he doesn't do romance. And he knows I don't do casual sex so I don't know why he even tried. He knows me better than that.

But anyway there is specifically this one thing that he's doing lately that drives me absolutely insane and I've tried ignoring it, I've tried responding, I've tried just being nice and I lose every single time. What he does is everytime there's people over or even when there aren't but not as often, anytime I say something or make any sort of move or even come out of my room hell loudly joke with me asking me why I'm so angry all the time. Or I say something and he'll respond in front of everyone "don't get mad" and then him and his friends all laugh. It drives me crazy because I'm not mad not even a little bit but if I say that he'll respond "it's ok you don't have to be mad" or they'll just laugh more. If I ignore it they'll take it as "see she's pissed now you got her mad" and laugh if I smile and say something nice they'll still take it as I'm mad. I don't have an out.

I tried speaking to him about it in private and his response is the typical "I'm just messing with you Ashley relax, don't be so sensitive"

And I even tried not to care. I'm learning about Buddhism, meditation, psychology, how to not let things get to you. But when every move you make they Call you the angry girl and laugh it really ruins my day no matter how happy I am that day.

It's so stupid and immature. So I guess my question is what can I do or say to get him to shut up. Like a really good comeback or action I can take to get him to leave me alone until I can move out. It's really stressing me out.

Thanks in advance.

- Not mad.

As you revealed, his response to you was "I'm just messing with you Ashley relax, don't be so sensitive"

It sounds like an honest response. I like to tease people too. So it is very possible that he truly is only teasing you. I don't think it is pay back for refusing sexual advances. As you said, he already knew where you stood on that before becoming your room mate or shortly after. Even if a guy knows you are not attracted that way to them, a guy will at times possiblly ask again, Are you sure you don't want to have sex, its just part of their makeup and wishful thinking and a hope that just maybe the gals attitude changed. I had a male friend who gave me a place to stay with him while I was saving up to get into an apartment and he knew before offering for me to stay there that I was not into him that way and yes he did at times ask me if I was sure I still didn't want sex and I'd smile and tell him that it was a chemistry thing and I was one who needed to feel that to have sex and since how I felt had not changed, that my answer is still no. He was a gentlemen and remained a good friend. YOu can't blame a guy for asking. As long as he keeps his hands to himself.

He may feel at odds as to how to talk to you since he is attracted to you at least in lust. Perhaps his joking is the only thing he can think of and he may have no real idea how to tease. To keep stating the same old thing each time he tries to tease you, shows he lacks inspiration, but so do other people. I like the suggestions of how to answer back.
If you show that you are constantly vexed by his choice of questions, then there is a reward for him, to at least get a response of irritation from you. If he is truly saying what he says to just get a rise out of you, then if you tease back and do not show how it irritates you, you essentially take the fun out of it for him and that means there is no longer a reason for him to tease. If you do come up with a great comeback, it might challenge him to find a different way to say something teasing to you and he might retort back with something else. Then just joke back again. Pleasant teasing is a better way to pas the time as roommates than giving each other the silent treatment. Its hard to do that with a room mate and makes things even more awkward and uncomfortable. Here's another idea for a response choosing the interpretation of crazy for mad rather than sngry. So next time accused of being crazy, you could say, "You think this is mad? You obviously have no clue what being a mad person is. (Then do a few seconds of acting like pulling at your hair, prancing agitatingly, rolling your eyes or doing a cross eyed look and screaming or babbling like a crazy person. really ham it up and add, "Now this is what a crazy mad person looks like. It would be even more fun to do so with his buddies there so you could enjoy the success of their laughter at how you one-upped him. Sometimes the more unexpected and outrageous your response, the better it will go for you. You could even chose to show him that he has not embarrassed you or ruffled your feathers in front of his friends by enlisting their help. I have done this sort of thing to tease a person...going up to flirt but not seriously with one of the other people present, and it will not be taken as your interest in the other guy if you overact the part and use exxagerated motions. I would turn to a pal of his, start batting my eyes profusely and walk up to him swinging my hips and come to a stop close to him, if he's seated, then bending closer so that your face is closer to his, then using a sultry Marilyn Monroe style voice, ask him, "Honey, does this look to you like the face of an angry woman?" He could say no. If he say's yes trying to join the teasing, then you could say, Gee, since the consensus seems to be that this kind of face (big smiles) is an angry, mad face, then perhaps I have my emotions mixed up. I guess that would mean that this is my happy face. Then do an exaggerated frown and angry look and maybe growl a bit. Then stop and laugh. I'd enjoy hearing back to hear how it went. Good luck!

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Hi, been friends for a few months and we banter well. Feels like he fancies me and we get on ok. Caught him frequently looking at me and when I look at him he holds his eye contact with a slight smile but we always carry on with our conversation. In our late 20's. When I make jokes, not everyone is cute like you are, he says (Let's say my name is Beth) he says, Beth is Beth, isn't it? What's he up to?? Trying to say something?? Tried to ask him directly but couldn't dare even though we're mates. Thank you!

Your womans intuition may be correct in that he fancies you. Guys who are into a gal will want to smile at her holding eye contact, will enjoy talking to here. There is also body language that can not lie, as to whether he really likes you. YOu do know he likes you as a friend already. If he didn't, he wouldn't even bother being friends. Think for a moment how awkward it could be to befriend someone that you are not finding attractive at all to you but that person assumes your attention means they like you so the person pursues you. He would not take a chance of a girl he doesn't find attractive to end up coming after him, encouraged by his friendship. In some cases, there is a certain amount of interest in the character of a girl, enough to be friends but not the right kind of chemistry for it to be anything more. However, lots of relationships start with friendship and move on to something more.

If he is your friend, then to find out what you want to know, he shouldn't have a problem with you asking a question as long as it is worded in a way that doesn't end with a finality but leaves room for him to share how he feels without it being awkward.
So what you ask when ready, is: "We're getting along so good as friends and both enjoy each others friendship that it has me wondering if there could be something more? What do you think?"

Asking the question like this doesn't make him feel awkward answering as you have not professed any kind of strong liking or love that would make a guy feel guilty to answer truthfully if he didn't feel the same way. Asking his opinion to your thought, gives him the chance to admit he would like to try being more than friends, or admitting he doesn't feel the same but still enjoys you as a friend.
A good sign that a person might be a good choice for a more serious relationship is if the conversation flows easily and both of you enjoy what each other has to say and share, sometimes finding the other to be funny and laughing with them. Good luck dear.

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When you first have sex, and the guy puts his penis inside of you, does it hurt when he breaks the hymen?

I am so glad someone else is giving the link to laci green as I do that all the time. Adviceman gave good advice too. From my experience and other females I've talked to who weren't afraid to chat about sexual stuff, I beleive there are females who do not need the hymen stretched out, some have used toys or their fingers for masturbating which has stretched out the hymen some. It may be enough but the guy still may be larger than how stretched out the gal is, and others are so tight that it takes a lot of patience and lots of trys to slowly stretch her out without the guy being able to enter with penis until enough time has been spent stretching you out at least first with fingers.
The only thing most females don't know about and I learned from another by being here on advicenators is something called a septate hymen. Look up the term on the net and see pics. So instead of a hymen as a ring of skin, its a strip going down the center of vaginal opening actually creating two much smaller openings. In some cases, even a tampon wouldn't fit in or was painful and still would not work. A male will not be able to get his penis in if this is the case, no matter how much lube or how relaxed you were.

Other than that, keep in mind that most young males are so excited at the prospect they get to have sex with a willing female that they do not go slow. So even if you are tight, there shouldn't really be any pain if he does it right the first time and too many are so full of lust and excitement and they are only thinking of themselves at that point so its no surprise that if he rams it in quickly that a female will tear, bleed and feel a good amount of pain. The pain doesn't last long though and the female body is able to heal any tears quite well on its own without any assistance.

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long story short my boyfriend chats with a lot of girls

it might not seem like a big deal, so let me break it down in the easiest way possible. when we had a break, he chatted with one of my friends that he knew i disliked, after we got back together, he chats with one of my close friends, and once while we were on a date, we swapped phones and i was on his messenger and i saw that 9/10 person that he chats with are girls. im not talking about like a short conversation but its like they chat 24/7.

i understand that he has his own friends and i shouldn't be so jealous, but i couldnt help it, i mean i just dont feel special ...and he asks me to stop chatting with one of my best friends bc is a boy which i did stop for his sake...

I am starting off with him b/c he asked you to stop talking to a male friend. That is a problem. I was an abused wife in 1st marriage so I am really in the know as to what kind of behavior from a guy is a red flag that he is a controller and is or will become abusive later. When a male attempts to tell you who can be your friends and who can't, that is not good hon, cus that is controlling behavior. Males tend to go after females who are easier to control and that would be the gals with low self esteem and no self confidence. I know we don't see these issues in ourselves and I don't know you so you may not have these issues. But you did make a bad move, perhaps out of naivity/inexperience? You said you stopped talking to a best friend for his sake. You may feel you had a choice...and yes you did, to reject that concern of his. A healthy relationship will have balance in it and real love and concern for the other. The balance here is missing cus if it is okay for him to chat with other females all the time, but you are not allowed to chat with other males, that is not even rights for both of you.
I don't think you are over thinking it.

Lets say, he has all these female contacts and he encourages you to continue friendships with other males, and his time spent talking to other females is not interrupting the amount of time he has for you, then there is no problem. But since that is not the case, he is the problem.

There are different stages to relationships starting with attraction then talking to, then dating. But dating comes in 3 forms, first dating just to discover if you like a person enough and there are no behaviors that would hurt you or kill a relationship. If all is well, then a couple go from dating for discovery to making a commitment to each other. Unfortunately, lots of the teens and 20 somethings of today know little about making a commitment let alone other things important to a healthy rewarding relationship. He may one of those dating for the 3rd reason, using it only as a way to socialize, but it is nothing serious to him Any feelings here will most likely be lust rather than love. A male will say what they have to , just to get a girl, even asking you to be his girlfriend, fiancee, when he doesn't really care and certainly is not ready to make a commitment, nor do some ever want to make one...just remaining single all their life.
If you decide to keep dating him afterall, keep in mind this isn't good behavior in a guy. ANd while it may not be an issue yet, he will take more control little by little so be on watch for any times he tries to tell you what to do, isn't happy with who you are and tries to change you in your looks or personality. That is another sign that the guy is trouble. My ex did those things with me and yet I stayed with him 30 yrs cus of kids. Looking back, I know better now and with the knowledge I gained the hard way, through the school of hard knocks, I have found a wonderful man to enjoy the rest of my years with. I didn't know any better at age 20 when i married the ex. I hope to help other gals to be as cautious, just in case. I could be over reacting to what he said but hon, you need to know one last thing, that males who feel inferior to other males cus they have a low self image, are always going to feel threatened by another male, even if that other guy just happened to glance your way. Its way worse when being their girlfriend or wife cus then they feel they own you and treat you more like a pet dog with giving you commands to follow. He can be the master of a pet but a male should never be allowed to become your master. The easiest way is avoid that is simply to walk away and break up if you ever get to that point. Good luck.

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I asked a similar question awhile back, but things have progressed and I am at a new crossroad.

Early in December I was approached by my two roommates who voiced their concern about my relationship. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and some change, and we're both in our final semester of college. From the minute I met him it was like everything in me knew I wanted him for the rest of my life. We dated for a school year, and then spent the summer long distance. Relationships are never perfect, but any disagreement we had we fixed and I had never been happier. Starting this first semester we had bigger fights about smaller things. I felt like I was always putting in more effort than him and we almost broke up twice. Both times my roommates were there for me and supportive. And I don't blame them for being upset with him, I would too if I saw how hurt someone was making my friend! They basically asked me straight up why I was with him and that they thought I should break up with him.

Over winter break we spent some time apart and then spent a week at my parents house away from campus. The first half of the week talked endlessly about our problems, being more honest with each other than we have ever been - than I have ever been with anyone in my entire life. Once we figured out our problems we decided together that what we had was worth working on. The second half of the week we talked about how we can make things better. When we got back to school things were still rough at first but we both did what we said we would do.

One of my issues were I wanted him to have better relationship with my friends. After all the fighting, he felt tension from them and didn't want to come around as much. He did try to get to know them better and fix relationships, and now I know that most of my friends are just happy that we're happy and like him. However, he said he feels like he can't get anywhere with my two roommates. He says he feels constantly judged around them and that they are cold and standoffish towards him. I can see where he thinks that but at the same time they are always asking if he can come over and trying to spend time with him so I really want him to give them another chance. He has told me its something he doesn't think he can do. He understand that they are important to me but he also points out that we only have two more months of school and he doesn't even think I will stay close to the two of them. It is true that he does have a good relationship with all of my other close friends. And its not like I love all of his friends, but I at least show face... I don't know what to do...

We still have our problems and sometimes it feels like this tension with my friends could be a tipping point. My family absolutely adores him and he is very close with my siblings. That's really the most important thing to me. I just don't know what to do with these last two months and whether its even worth pushing the issue. But at the same time I can't help but think this could be a sign of a bigger issue or problems down the road.... HELP!

Your parents are older and have more experience in life. Therefore, if they like him and approve of him, then likely there isn't any problem to worry about. Your friends have less experience in seeing the quality of a person. Sure every couple has arguments but it is how they settle them and how they still love each other that shows that there is hope for the relationship. YOur friends, even if having dated, do not have long term life experience.
What you need to see is anything they say or their actions not as causing trouble but as a show of how much they really care about you. That may not translate into staying in touch after college but a person can care that deeply about someone even just by a one time incident and they are remembering you being hurt. Asking you to break up is not meant to be a bad thing against you but is misguided and unwanted comments. That is something lots of people even way older adults have never learned, telling people what they think you should do, when you never asked their opinion. If you ever asked even once even while crying "What should I do?" that might have given them the impression they could always give their advice. I understand you feel that pressure since you live together but as he said, it's only two more months. Don't worry about trying to convince them.

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So, when I started my current job a year ago a much younger woman, E., was very friendly toward me- catching my eye, smiling, staying behind.
I had had a terrible experience from getting involved in work before so kept my distance from her. I knew that between the age difference (20y) and simply working in the same office nothing good could happen.
She seemed hurt but found a man from another office and they moved in together.
Eventually we got talking and I really enjoyed her company- she has a Visual Arts degree and we share similar tastes in TV and film, though she prefers Fantasy books and is quite a 'romantic' thinker.

She was the first person outside my team to ask about me after my hospital stay, which was nice, and we have some great chats.

Anyway, This Valentines Day we had an office theme and we're encouraged to send cards etc.
I thought it would be nice to send her a Secret Admirer card- nothing intense, just a 'have a happy day' type card, no hearts, declarations of love etc.
When she got it she seemed really happy which was nice to see. The usual "so embarassing" whilst showing it to every other woman. It felt good.

However a week later she suddenly became very distant from me. Avoiding eye contact, curt replies, no smiles. She even left work with a female friend without saying goodnight, neither of which she has done before. I have no idea how she worked out it was from me.

I have kept out of her way as I hate the idea of making her unhappy or uncomfortable in any way.

I tried to do something nice but it backfired. I get on well with everyone else from canteen staff to managers and even have a female work friend the same age as E. who keeps meeting me for lunch.

I don't want to get a reputation as a 'creeper' at work. Nor do I want E. To feel odd around me as in the circumstances I just thought it would make her feel special and happy.

Any advice?

Read more: http://www.advicenators.com/qview.php?q=662306#ixzz4Zw56oIvK

Since she showed the card to other female co workers, it is likely that they pointed out guys whom they felt might possibly be the secret admirer. You and her may have been observed chatting often and perhaps the other women if more experienced or older, even read something in your expressions or face. So even if the consensus from everyone else was that it might be you, she still can't be 100% sure. Since she has a boyfriend, she may have felt it was safer to avoid you in case you were the one.
While your intent was on just making her happy, using the words secret admirer more often are used by people who have stronger feelings, feelings that go beyond mere admiration to feelings like love, like crushing on someone. That is possibly how she is seeing this. Best thing is to do nothing, cus anything you do say will just make things more awkward.

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I have absolutely no self-esteem because of my past full of such horrible events, so this is probably why I dwell on this so heavily all the time. Deeply, I feel that I am not good enough for my fiance... maybe because I've been told all my life that I'm not good enough, but it's just no matter how hard I try... I don't feel good enough for this man.

I practice "smiling depression" everyday, because I don't ever want to bother him with my major clinical depression. I *do* get help for my depression and horrid generalized anxiety disorder, but it takes everything I have to appear "perfectly okay" to him, because... I'm never okay. My illnesses plus my chronic pain and fatigue take nearly 95% of all the energy I have. Attempting to make my fiance as happy as he should be takes away the rest of my energy. I feel as if I'm just existing. I'm ****ing (please, please, please excuse my language) miserable.

But I want to be better for him, because I love him more than I could ever love anyone or anything. He's my rock; all that I live for; I literally have nothing else to live for, which I have *NEVER* told him because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him.

As I stated above, I practice "smiling depression" for him all the time.

I am losing weight for him. I brisk-walk like 60 minutes a day, plus exercise throughout the day.

I practice never getting upset or angry at him every second of every day as well as not ever making him upset. I don't ask him to spoil me in any way, instead I spoil him with massages and compliments and other such. There's not a day that goes by where I don't enthusiastically and genuinely tell him that he's the most gorgeous man in the universe over five hundred times.

When he does give me a gift (which is very rarely, because I don't like him spending money on me), I won't shut up about how much I appreciate it.

That's all I can think of on the top of my head.

He's so amazing. I couldn't live without him. But what kills me is that he agrees with me that I don't make him as happy as he should be, so what else should I do?

I'll start with your last sentence: what kills me is that he agrees with me that I don't make him as happy as he should be, so what else should I do?

My reaction was a shocked, What the heck!? It may not be plain to you but just the words you used points out that it is possible you are trying to earn his love. While it may sound like thats not too bad, think about a new born baby.
A baby has lots of needs and can't do anything for you to earn a parents love, but the parent loves their child anyways. That is a healthy version of love. Everything you wrote is what you are doing for him. Unless I missed it and I read this twice, I didn't see anywhere that he mentions he loves you and does one better by showing it thru his actions towards you. If he's just waiting around to see what you can do for him, that scares me. You may have chosen the wrong words to explain and given a wrong impression. But you said He does say you don't make him as happy as he wants to be.

Thats a big red flag dear. I would hold off on marriage until things can be worked out if at all possible. Can you imagine being married to him, with kids now and he still says he isn't happy with you so he's off having an affair?

I used to have severe social anxiety but never clinical depression. But I have family who do suffer. I know people who can only be helped by medsd and others who have used non medicine treatments to overcome both depression and anxieties and I overcame mine back in Sr. year of HS. using a method that focuses on the root of the problem--distorted thinking. Yes some people can have low levels of Neuro transmitters that can't be brought up any other way than by meds but the public has been led to believe thats the only way.
There are now psychologists who practice CBT, Cognitve, Behavioral Therapy which is having great impact on healing those who suffer from depression and anxiety. If you could deal with yourself first and be rid of all that and gain self confidence, you wouldn't be so worried about having to earn love and you would be able to see more clearly if any person really loves you in return, unconditionally or not. Unconditional love means you may not condone or like something about a person, but if it isn't something that is hurtful or damaging to a relationship, you love them in spite of it. This makes me wonder if your fiancee has unconditional love for you. If I had given my second husband conditions he had to meet like losing more weight when I met him, then I wouldn't be married to him. He has continued to struggle with his weight. But I love him without any conditions. I love who he is on the inside. And who he is on the inside is a thousand times better than my last marriage partner who ended up charming friends and family but turned on me once married, and was verbally abusive the entire marriage. I have since studied more about women who are abused and found that men who tend to be controlling and abusive will not give a moments time to a self confident women because she would never allow him to get away with such treatment and would leave him. Its the women with low self esteem and low self confidence who end up with guys who are abusive because they are such easy targets and it makes them feel better about themselves to be able to bully and control and mistreat their woman. I certainly hope this is not whats ahead for you.
If you want to work on yourself, how to be better for him as you asked, well it takes two whole people to make a marriage work, equal efforts, and if one is lacking in some way, they lean way too hard on the other. You don't have to say anything about him being your reason for living but eventually a partner will feel that and it can hurt a relationship more often than not being a big deal. I would suggest reading about how a person can be healed of depression and anxieties since without those, you'd instantly be a better stronger whole person. I mentioned family and had friends too who read books by this author long ago. And I recently for curiousity sake checked them out at my library or you can ask for the books at a bookstore or have them ordered. The author Is David D. Burns. Heres his web site: https://feelinggood.com/

and the two books I've read and recommend to give you hope and know that help is possible if you cn find a Dr. who practices CBT are:

Feeling Good--the New Mood therapy (for depression)

When Panic Attacks (for anxieties)

Once you've dealt with that and are ready, let me know and I'll share a simple exercise that will help build self confidence. Got it from a womans magazine of all places. But the depression and such need to be worked on first.

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Hi, what does he mean when he says, I'm a loving friend to you?' we're a good friends. I told him on a joke, 'someday you will make a loving father and a loving husband to someone. And he replied, how about a loving friend, I'm a loving friend to you, aren't I and he smiled and looked at me with long eye contact. I mean we kid around tons. We go to a same university and we do flirt back and forth but I certainly do not have a courage to ask what he really means. Is he saying he loves me? Thank you!

Can't say if this is his way of flirting, or trying to say he loves you. The only way to really know is to ask point blank and since you are afraid to ask, you just will have to continue to wonder.

He dodged your comment about husband and father and I can only guess why. Perhaps he is not one to look too far into the future or have even half formed plans for his future. He may be one to just live in the here and now and enjoy. This could possibly mean that he is also not ready to be a serious boyfriend to a gal and not wanting to make a commitment like that. That's okay because you can still find out alot about him by just being friends. He also may be more focused on completing his studies and degree and believes he can not juggle both a serious relationship and school. Those are all guesses.
As to why he feels he has to tell you that he is your friend, who knows. All I know is that through out my life, I have never had a friend who told me, "I am your friend" or I am a good friend or we are good friends. One would already know that by their interactions and how they treat you.
Since you don't want to ask what he means, just enjoy the friendship. A man who eventually gets serious about settling down and finding that gal he can fall in love with, it's a good start to look at the people you are already good friends with as that is part of what makes a solid foundation to a lasting happy love relationship.

For the future, here's an article on how to know if a guy really loves you. A guy did a video for women and I paraphrased what he wrote and added to it some examples. Hope you find this eye opening.

DOES HE LOVE YOU

Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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you gave me the advice on the baptist church post. I just wanted you to know that the sunday school lesson this morning was on what you had said about wanting to go from preschool to high school... may not be the way you had put it. My memory isn't that good. + That we need to mature one day at a time. I just thought you should know because I found it interesting and a blessing of your words. (: I hope that makes sense. I'm typing faster than I think

Thank you for sharing and your kind words.

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Hello, we're good friends and known for a few months. But I've realised he teases me a lot in a fun way like I like your smile as I don't smile much. He says he's bantering because we're friends and I say no, you're flirting. He's always smiling but not shy. So, my question is do male and female friends flirt? I do fancy him a bit and I do have a feelings that's fancies me too but he says we're friends and bantering. Help guys! Thank you!

Yes, friends can flirt. It is possible. And that is what makes it hard to know if a person is serious or just doing it because it is fun and pleasant to do so. Sometimes, it's even to sharpen our skills at flirting with someone who is safe because we don't have romantic feelings towards them.

It is also possible for two people who are close friends without romantic feelings towards each other, to slowly develop those feelings as time goes on. I belies two things are important to a happy romantic relationship with first being close friends and treating each other as a best friend. Second would be having sexual compatibility. So even if there is no instant flash of passion, it is possible to appear later. those who get together over sexual desire only, may not end up having a good relationship because while the sex is good, you are still being treated like shit the rest of the time. So if you can find a male friend you admire, that one is a good prospect for becoming something more. But don't be disappointed if he doesn't make those feelings known to you. Another issue is that two close friends can be afraid of losing their friend when confessing their feelings if the other doesn't feel the same way.
I feel the easiest way to find out if he is ready to move forward, or doesn't have those feelings, is to say, "We've been doing so great as friends together. Makes me wonder if it might work for us to be something more. What do you think?" This is a non pressure, non awkward way to ask a friend as you haven't confessed feelings. If he does want to have you as a romantic interest, then this is his chance to say, yes, lets try that. Or he would say i know I don't feel that way about you, you feel more like a sister or female cousin to me. Then you'd have your answer.

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Hello! You answered a question of mine a very long time ago about a boy who was very close to my family that I had started to talk to. It turns out that he did end up liking me, and we were nonstop talking for the next 3-4 months and making plans to see each other once my college program over the summer was done. I had a couple of issues with him when it came to communication because it seemed to be very one sided most of the time with me trying to get to know him while he stayed on the surface level of being flirty all of the time. There was an incident of a boy in the program trying to touch me inappropriately, and all I wanted to do was talk to someone about it (I enjoy speaking to others when I'm upset, it seems to be the best way for me to feel better). I called him, but he was out drinking at a bar with friends, and he told me he didn't want to hear about the situation, and he hung up to continue drinking. I was already in a pretty awful mood so we had a fight the next day, and I ended up telling him we were just in two different places to continue talking. We stopped talking for 6 months, and just recently he stayed the night at my house because my dad invited him while he was in town to avoid paying for a hotel. We had an intense conversation on how devastated he was when I said goodbye, and he just seemed like he had matured a great deal since the last time I saw/heard from him. That was last week, and we have been talking a little, and he seems like he's moving incredibly fast trying to make this into a relationship only a week after we started talking again. I just learned today that pretty recently (in the last 2 months) he had done cocaine with my older uncle (who is 40) and my cousin (who is 19). I hate that they were doing drugs like that, but on top of that, they had sex with 3 girls at the same time while they were together. I confronted my cousin because I am the most comfortable going to him, and he told me that my uncle and the guy I'm talking to have shared girls multiple times. I know that he did this while we weren't talking, but it still disgusts me, and I would be lying if I said it didn't make me look at him differently. Is it wrong for me to be upset that he did this? It has changed my feelings for him drastically, and I feel that I need to bring it up due to the fact that we're starting to talk again. I wouldn't be upset about him sleeping with other people, but the fact that he has done it with my uncle and cousin freaks me out and makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a total loss of what to do here. I want to tell him that I need time to comprehend this, but I feel like that will be insanely awkward to bring up (there are some things I just don't feel comfortable going to him about), and I don't know if this is something I'll ever entirely get over. I would love ANY advice, and I would tremendously appreciate you answering my question. Thank you!

You have written much information so I will make my comments as we go thru your message.
If I understand right, you had the 3-4 months to get to know each other before you were at college and waiting to see each other after. Depending on how much real face to face quality time is spent with a potential partner, you can either learn alot quickly about him or it could take many months or even a year.
You mention one sided communication and that is not good. I watched a video done by a man to help women understand how a man ticks as far as whether he is really committed to you and loves you or not. I will post that with my added info at the end.

As for him flirting, there are different types of flirting. You may beleive he is interested in you because he has flirted. Keep in mind that some people, women too will just flirt for the fun of it. I know plenty of happily married couples who will flirt with their friends who are other couples and all know that it is not serious as they have said so at some point. Flirting this way can be misleading to someone newer on the dating scene or with less experience. Then there are men who are only responding to you in lust and will flirt to see if you are easy and they can get into your pants.
I understand speaking to others when upset. I also do the same to problem solve. Sometimes just hearing myself talk helps me clear what might be just my assumptions and what is really proven.

When you called him at the bar and he hung up not wanting to hear about anything you had to say, that is something covered in the list I will post at the end. Basically for now, if a man was truly interested in a woman, she would be one of his top 3 priorities in life, but not the top one. Men see commitments to a job, school, buddies, blood family, etc differently than females. Easily job, friends and girlfriend could be his top 3. If so and he just wanted time alone with the guys, and he cared about you and your feelings, he would have explained this was his guy time but told you when is a good time to call or visit and done so in a sweet tone. Often, we end up homing in on only one or two things that make a guy sound promising and the female continues to pursue him even if his interest in her is barely there or none existant like if his feelings changed or e never really cared.
Next, you fought while you were in a bad mood. I say it is not advisable but does happen from time to time. If you are in an okay mood but the partner is in a touchy bad mood, it still won't work. Got plenty experience in that with first husband being verbally abusive. Even if I spoke in a caring tone without any anger in my heart, just wanting to improve things with us, he came unglued and would get angry and yell. Its like trying to fight a fire by adding kindling to a fire. I have also learned 'HOw to fight fairly" by reading books. There are ways to state your issues without getting a rise out of the other person, getting them to listen to the end without mentally shutting down on you or hanging up. I would suggest you read such a book whether you keep up a relationship with this guy or not as it is something that will help you in life, lifelong as you butt heads with others, like coworkers, cashiers, etc.
It was a great thing that you voiced to him that you both were in different places to continue talking. Since gaining lots of self confidence later in life, I have learned to do just that. Although I might take it further, I actually mention what I will and will not tolerate. Until you have done so, a guy can be excused for not knowing what is considering stepping over the boundaries you set and the rules you state of how you like to be treated. If he still wants to be with you, then a guy who knows your wishes and blatantly does the opposite has to be told that it is over and then you cannot run back to him later. Females biggest problems are not having enough self confidence to do this and a fear of being alone or never having a boyfriend/lover/husband. So we tend to put up with lots of crap and because we do and never give the ultimatums to a guy, he thinks he doesn't have to contribute more than he does and its like training him that it is okay to treat you crappy. I know that may sound weird but I have read reports of psychologists who also say this so I am only telling you how it really is.

Now we discuss when he came into town. HIs stating he felt devastated when you ended it may be true, but he is only thinking about his feelings here, not how you are affected or your feelings so what he shared is calculated to make a female think he really cares more than you thought. It is a selfish place he is in, only caring about what brings him happiness and excitement in life. Then you proceed to talk with him again for the past week. And it seems like he has matured a great deal. What you see on the surface isn't always what is true for a person deep down at core. Most people when trying to impress someone or win a person over, whether for true solid interest or for selfish reasons, we all mostly tend to put our best foot forward. For those who know deep down that they have many flaws or simply beleive they are flawed, these people will create a false persona to hide behind. The good thing is that if you wait long enough, usually just a months time of seeing such a person often, the false persona will slip and let their real self come thru the cracks. I experienced this 3 times with 3 different men who passed muster for me at first face to face meet when I was on a dating site looking for a new mate. But by the 2nd or 3rd date, they felt comfortabel enough to think they had me hooked in and they could relax and be themselves. The behavior I saw from all 3 was selfish, arrogant, controlling, hard to please and habitual liars. I had verval abuse with first husband, I was not going to settle for the same or worse or I would be totally stupid to do so. I broke it up right away without any regrets. If you feel a person can grow and mature in as little as 6 months compared to over a lifetime, then I don't know what to tell you to convince you otherwise.
I will say that at the end of marriage when we were going to counseling, I got to talk alone with the psychologist who in answer to my question about whether it was possible for my husband to change his destructive ways with me, told me this: A person only makes major character changes for the better over a lifetime. Most people only make tiny little changes over life. It takes hitting rock bottom, no longer pointing the finger elsewhere but taking personal account of who and what you are and a deep desire to improve. In most cases, he said, that for something along the lines of how the husband treated me, he might improve a little if he applied himself but it could take till the end of his life to finally get there for as serious as his issues were. He truly cared about himself more than me and finally confessed he was never in love with me. Those are major issues. So the counselor told me all this so I could more easily make a last ditch effort to stay with him after almost 30 yrs. Since he could not promise that there would be any change that I could be happy to live with for the rest of my life, I knew it was over and I left him. I know his issues may be different than your guy but how quickly a person changes is most likely way way more than just over mere months dear.
If he is just young, inexperienced and the type of person to self correct as he comes across life situations that he is open to learning from, only then will you see improvement.
Next is the topic of drugs and sex. I am not one for doing recreational drugs, illegal drugs just for the fun of it. The most i have done is marijuana for insomnia as it works best for me. I would never consider being married to a guy who does drugs, does gambling or drinks til drunk. Those are vices that can hurt a relationship. It sounds like you don't like the idea of him doing drugs. Thats good. YOu need to take this quite a few steps further and decide exactly and specifically what you want in a guy and what behavior you will not tolerate. The list will be created over time as you will add to it as you think of or come across situations that remind you. To know what you 'must have' in guy you need to know and understand yourself well, like writing a resume for a job, you really have to know your strengths and weaknesses to know what you require in a guy. This is another letter I have saved that I can send you. It is very good as I used this list, my angels told me to make this and I kept forgetting so I was being constantly reminded to the point of harassed...lol, by the angels until I did this. I didn't think it important but once I had done so, I found how helpful it is. I called it How to find Mr Right. If you want me to send that, let me know but you must go to my column and write me from there for me to be able to respond.

Then there's the sex. I know lots of people like using street drugs with sex as it helps them to lose some of the control or mind sets and be able to really enjoy sex more. But this sex orgy and exchanging of partners puts the warning flag up for me. I am no prude and went to swing clubs with my ex. But we were always clear of mind, not drunk and not under influence of drugs so we could practice safe sex using condoms. A person on drugs cannot be held responsible to remember to use condoms so it is likely that if he doesn't already have Herpes or HPV, human papalova virus that creates genital warts, he could easily contract and most likely will at a future point. These two are not easily to know you have as you can be a carrier and pass it on without having had the physical evidence that you have it. Certain strains of HPV put a female at a higher risk of cancer in her female parts and she must be checked yearly to see if anything changes for the worse. So it is entirely not a good idea to be with someone someday who tends to want to do drugs and be the male slut. Are you thinking though that he only turned to street drugs and multiple female sex partners only because you stopped talking to him? If so, I hope you believe me when I say that most guys unless they are head over heels in love, truly a dependable man, who had proven their character and what they say they are by their actions and deeds, only that type of person may be very depressed. But to go into drugs or loose sex just to spite another person or because you are mad or upset, is actually a self destructive thinking and action. Mature people would recognize that just by their own thoughts before even attempting to do such things.

You can say its okay if he has sex with others since there is no commitment really between you...his words are not a commitment, only his actions can prove that he is committed to you and wants to pursue a relationship in earnest once you're out of college.

To be honest, he has shown nothing by his actions that prove he is really into you or even loves you. A man who is ready to find a long term girlfriend or serious about a committed life relationship, will really put in 100% effort in trying to find his partner or mate. He doesn't wait for the inexperienced naive woman, or the woman with low self confidence to just fall into his lap.
As for talking to him and letting him know what you do not like about things he is doing, the train left the station too long ago, this was something you should have told him in the beginning, before really getting into a friendship/relationship of sorts. Even if an LDR or online relationship, it is important for the guy to know if he's barking up the wrong tree. You let him know what criteria you have for him and if he doesn't fit it, he's out of the equation and has to move on. An error done in innocence is usually just one time thing and something he rectifies immediately. YOur man should ideally care about your emotions, not ever want to see you crying or upset because of something he has done and if so, he is genuinely contrite, apologetic and like my husband, not just promising to not do it again but asking what he can do to prove it to me. Usually its just life stresses that get me to have a crying period sometimes and he's not at fault but still wants to cheer me up and always asking if its something he said or did.

Sometimes, two people are not a match for several reasons. And if there are too many differences, there will be trouble in the relationship and neither will be satisfied. It takes having two things for a solid foundation for a relationship and one is being each others best friend. You treat your girlfriends wonderful, right. YOu should expect that kind of treatment to even a higher degree from a life partner/lover. If its not there, the relationship will be rocky at best or fail. Next is being each others sexual equal. this includes what things a person likes in sex, like BDSM and such which aren't for everybody. Then libido is important, having the same level of desire for sex. One person may be happy with once a week or once a month but the other wants every day of the week or several times a week which may seem too much to the partner. These are real needs and issues for a person to enjoy sex so you need to know this stuff and be able to ask at the point it seems a relationship is headed for becoming sexual. Even if it is only talk about sex in an LDR/online with someone serious, this is the time to talk about what you like. If not sure, then it may be best to experiment with several different sex partners to discover what you like before committing to a long term relationship, or heck even a short one. When both these things are present as a foundation for the relationship, it is very hard to not be anything but happy and fulfilled. It is okay for others to have a life that you don't approve of. They may be more immature souls on the planet who have a lot of learning ahead and being paired up with a more highly intelligent soul such as yourself most likely will not help them at all. You would think that being a good example would help. I tried that for 30 years. I know now why it doesn't work. Only a person who is seeking an answer on how to improve in an area of life will copy a friend, a mate, family who are doing much better in a particular area. Most people do not choose to become introspective and really look at who they are and where they can improve. Most people are not open to hearing instruction or even suggestions. The trick is to find the person who is already at a level in relationship skills that you can live with without him making any changes at all and the same for him with the girl. Remember, few people ever make the kind of changes in a lifetime that will affect a relationship positively. Ask for the Mr. Right letter if you wish, but heres the one on how to know if he loves you. I believe its what you need to see as you are hoping to have a man someday who truly loves you, not just likes you somewhat, or is in lust over you.

DOES HE LOVE YOU

Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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Hi dragonflylymagic, because you've asked to clarify our age therefore I'm asking for your advice by writing our age is we're both in our 20's and taken means I have a boyfriend and he has a girlfriend. Any possible advice? Thank you so much!

I just wanted to rule out whether you were both teens or adults. I remember myself at 20. I got married at that age. Thought he was ok since he attended church. That was not the case. I am saying this because I realized then at age 20 that I still had a lot of learning to do regarding relationships.
And thats okay if its the same for you because its a learn as you go thing for the most part. I also wanted to rule out that you were not a married couple. For such I would've suggested marriage counseling first to help sort out feelings for both people with their partners and see if the marriage can be saved. I am sure you understand.

In dating, it is different than marriage. There is a commitment but it is for the time being and not a life time commitment yet. Sometimes in fact, it does not happen and we move on to find someone more our ideal of the right partner for us. If your current boyfriend and the male friend seem both equally nice, it may be time to get to know them both more in depth to help you decide if you stay or switch. I have something I've written on how to know if its Mr. Right for you...and it is something I did to find my 2nd husband so I know it helps. You may think it doesn't apply and thats okay. But I was thinking clarity of mind regarding both men might help you and if you decide on the male friend, then you can ask him to decide the same maybe using the same strategy as you did.
Here it is:

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a really to the point list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy cant meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isnt afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didnt smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the prettier ones in looks.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself incase you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers, because if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. These are things you would like to see but if you don't get, you can live with it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something import you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. This is okay to give examples on if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of boyfriend. Then you know that you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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It really bothers me when middle aged women who I admire, look up to, and feel nurtured by feel the need to flirt with and outpour their attention to young men my age (I am 24/f). It's not even that I want to "get in on the competition", as I wouldn't even go for the boys in my school because they are annoying and crass. Actually, I'm more jealous that these female friends are giving THEM the attention and not me (it's not jealousy in a romantic way, but a mother figure way). So why do these women who are my dear friends, mentors, and teachers feel the need to prove that they have the ability to flirt with young men around me? By the way, I'm pretty virginal and inexperienced and don't have a flirty personality, actually the opposite as I usually do not desire attention from the boys who surround me on a day to day basis. I'm not sure if that's relevant. I can't see why they would feel the need to "compete" with me, if that's the case.

Please do not guilt or shame me or tell me I'm selfish. I would really love some honest intellectual opinions on this topic so I can understand it.

I love what Adviceman said to you. It is great info.

It is important to realize that not only men have a sex drive but women too. Men are just more talked about and seen as having a sex drive. I remember the time I sat at lunch at work with one older friend who had other older ladies from other departments. One woman noticed and watched one man walk by and commented that he had a very nice looking butt. The other older women agreed and I was flabbergasted that they would even speak of it in front of others. It took just a split second tho to look his way and notice that here was a man who wore pants that fit his rear well and didn't sag as most mens pants do. I am not talking of saggy baggy youth styles but the fact that men like women are not all one size but pants for men just aren't made to show off their rears. I was quiet and didn't say I agreed. HOwever I learned that sex drive in older women isn't necessarily dead. Lots of women after having kids no longer want sex or some after lots of years of marriage go lax on their appearance and don't care anymore and become more like a sister to their mate than a wife. If you consider these women to be mentors and teachers. then learn from observing them. Self confidence and knowing how to talk to a guy and how to flirt are terrific things to learn and in todays time, not many people your age even know how to talk face to face (due to technology) let alone anything else. So older people do have something for you to learn. This doesn't mean you have to flirt indiscriminately with any and all males, only the one you are attracted to. It is okay to be virginal, but to hide from your own sexuality and not care to grow in this area, may be the difference of you finding a mate someday or not. These women are not ignoring you. They are simply paying attention to a younger man for one of the several reasons you've already been told by adviceman. You only feel left out because this is all so foreign to you, talking to, flirting and paying attention to a guy. If you really don't like their style and they are very too crass and disgusting, then find yourself another mentor you don't feel this way about but still knows how to be comfortable as a female in her own skin and also aware of her appeal to men, etc etc...

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Hi,

I have just started actively going to this church and I haven't missed a day. I went a year ago for about a month or two on days I could make it but had stopped going.

I had recently made a commitment to God and am doing everything that I can to obey Him. Reading scriptures first thing in a day. Striving to learn in truth and obtain wisdom in so I could obey Him more. I completely made a turn in my life and I have done well in staying on track for approximately a month. I've spent some days all day in scripture and in research. I received peace and grace because before a Sunday ago I was overwhelmed with guilt. I prayed at the alter and my guilt went away and things looked new. I thought that was my first time being saved but I'm not entirely sure because I accepted the Lord at seven years old. I loved Him so much. When around age 17 I went down the rebellious road. I turned to the world instead of turning to God when i broke inside. My downward spiral was deep into sin with a guilty conscious the entire way. I had lost care for myself and had thought acquiring a place with God wasn't for me for I couldn't submit as committed Christians had. They were so good in practice and I had thought I couldn't tame my nature as they had. Then I had thought if I did that I wouldn't be happy because I would be constantly denying myself; that seemed too much of a challenge for me to take on. I lived on the line of the world and Christianity. I did some very sinful things but just a touch to satisfy me without overwhelming guilt. I was curious about various sins and wanted to know them or a minimal idea of them through experience. I had bouts of stepping in the deep and running all the way out back to shore or had found complacence in the shallow. It was unending.

About a month ago after nearly losing everything and having my prayer, for a way out by getting help financially, never answered, I had given in. I gave up my pride that I clung to so tightly for years and years and turned to God and surrendered. This is my Abraham's readiness to take the life of his son. I surrendered and said I can't do this as my mind decides. I can't control my life. I repented and repented. I read and read to learn how God wants me to obey Him. I made effort with all of me to obey not letting my mind cause me to sin. I feel all this I had done and telling Jesus sincerely that I would follow Him forever and for Him to wash my sins with His blood has been good in His sight.

Lately this past week I've been feeling like I'm stumbling. At this Southern Baptist church of which I'm now getting acquainted, I feel like I'm making mistakes in the church. I talked to the preacher once because he did the sermon that day and his wife looked disconcerted. Am I not aloud to speak to any man of the church because I'm a single twenty-five year old? Including the preacher? Then there's this young woman around my age with a husband, [everyone around my age or older in that church seems to be married] she seems to be blown up with pride because one night while every stood up and spoke with convicted spirits of their gratitude of the Lord's grace, she was the only one that spoke with pride speaking from her head saying, "I grew up in the church. I didn't do as bad as some people. . . " You get the idea. Every time she comes up to hug me or say something I find it disingenuous. There was one time I was speaking to her about a book we had both read mentioned by the preacher's wife and she snubbed me by absolutely not even giving a response. I had been nothing but kind to her! She has a husband but I have no interest in anyone's husbands! Just because I'm single. It may not be that but maybe gossip from other people outside the church about my downward path of a prior time. I'm not sure but I feel judged now in the church. Especially by the women as if she spoke to one and one spoke to another. Even in my downward spiral I drew a line when it came to married men. I don't know the hidden rules of the Baptist church so much any more. I went to one when I was a kid where I could freely speak to anyone without having someone's eyes fixed on me. In my teens I went to a Methodist church which aren't that strict in those customs. At this church I feel like I'm a misfit and walking on eggshells constantly. Like oh., I don't know if he's got a wife in here, I should be aloof and he'll go away. I feel like I must look like some strange woman here. I don't like what I think my social identity here is becoming because I want to make these people like a part of my family. I want to accept them and they accept me. I'm in love with the sermons and I feel like it could be a church that I could grow in. Now I'm in the verge of tears because one thing seems to fall after another. I'll admit I've spent so much time alone, too, and I'm not used to being around people or nice people. For the most part, the people in that church are nice. My entire life I have never been good at relationships of friends and family because I have intimacy issues and anxiety.

What should I do? I feel powerless.

Before I answer your issue, I have a question for you. If you found a mouse in the cookie jar, would you think it was a cookie just because it was in the cookie jar? Of course not. But we forget to apply the same logic to churches. Just because you find people going to church, that doesn't mean they are believers, or they may be illusioned and self important and thus believe they are fine and need no fine tuning by God, or you have those like yourself, truly wanting to love and serve and God and become part of his family but have a steep learning curve ahead. NOt everyone in a church will be as mature as the person sitting next to them. Just because one is in church, doesn't make the person perfect. I have been in churches that created so many rules and doctrines to support their man created ideas and beliefs that are often not what God wants, is not in the Bible or most often it is a misinterpretation of what the Bible says. Lots of misunderstandings in the church. Some churches are better than others, and it really depends on who is leading it and what that person really believes, and so on.
Being a Christian is way simpler than the organized church would have you believe. God only wishes for two things: For you to have a personal relationship with him and keep growing in your spirituality, trying your best to become more like your heavenly Father. And the second is to treat ALL people with love as your siblings. It does not stop at the church doors. I have found people who no longer attended church but have a vibrant relationship with God going their own path. See, not everyone is at the same maturity level as a Christian yet we expect and often the elders expect us to be better than we are ready for and we try to get there so quickly to catch up with others. But that is not the right thing to do.
THink of it like school. A baby christian or new believer is a Kindergartner. Wouldn't it be impossible for a Kindergartner to wistfully watch a high school student and want to be at that level of knowledge and know how and try to be there right from the start?
As for Church goers and Pastors and elders acting strange when it comes to speaking to each other, I have found this stems from crazy ideals they have on trying to be pure and assuming it means erasing their sexuality. Women must wear T shirts over bathing suits when the church goes to a lake for a fun event, women can only give or get a side hug from a male, not a frontal one...heaven forbid the man would feel your boobs...being facietious here. But those are only two examples out of a whole bunch I've experienced. I know of people who were so afraid to even kiss or hold hands. I went to a wedding where the bride fainted when it was time to kiss at end of ceremony because they assumed that it was improper to kiss or hold hands even. A month after the wedding, the marriage was annulled because they couldn't bring themselves to have sex. The church is filled with lots of phobias that lead people down into despair or fear and they remain stuck. God created our sexuality and it is something good. He never meant for the churches to twist things around.
Since you are new to Christianity, you will need to look for a church that is more relaxed and doesn't have distorted logic or man made rules that are nothing but twisted phobias that have no place being part of a CHristians life. The happiest couples I know are the ones who totally ignored the admonitions on personal sexual practices and did what was pleasing to each other. Other couples who tried to follow the church laws so closely, ended up divorced and in one case, switched partners, two couples remarrying someone else in church cus they realized the person they were with wasnt right for them.
Get the bible study and don't take individuals actions to you too personally. Its not the matter of time someone has been in the church that gives them more maturity but how vibrant their relationship with God is that makes the difference and a new beleiver if willing can achieve that and be far ahead of them. If there is too much over time that you find wrong with this church, then find another one that is more realistic and down to earth and loving and supporting no matter how mature a believer is. You dear, are not powerless. Gods strength flows thru you and with the right attitude and the right reasons, you can accomplish much in your growth, and be a good example to others. My personal opinion dear is that if you have intimacy issues/sexual issues, then most churches are not going to help you overcome it but become much much worse. If you find this area of your life starts going in a downward spiral, you really may have to hunt hard for a better fellowship.

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Hello, so a few months back I adopted a cat from a shelter who turned out to have fleas. I know he has them because I keep spotting flea dirt (feces) where he sleeps and every once in a while a flea will jump off of him.

I have been treating him with a flea collar, flea pills (like pills I feed him that are supposed to kill the fleas in 6 hours), and the flea medication that goes on their neck once a month.

The weird part of this is that I sit him down about every 2 days and groom him with a flea comb all over his fur (short hair). Do I find any fleas? No. Do I see any flea dust? No.

I'm getting extremely frustrated because I don't know what to do. He's confined to a master bedroom and a bathroom and I routinely change the sheets and vacuum, but that's about as much as I can do because I live in an apartment with a roommate who has a dog and her own room so I can't do a flea bomb because I have nowhere else to put the cat while it's going off.

I feel like fleas are impossible to get rid of because their eggs are so tiny that they're bound to be anywhere/everywhere. I could treat the carpets and wash everything all in one day, but then one flea could be under the mattress you know?

Once several years back my family had one cat and they spent thousands of dollars treating their place and their cat who had fleas and nothing ever worked. They just learned to deal with the cat having fleas and tried to keep it to a minimum .

The only hope I feel like I have is moving in a few months to another place and having him flea bathed at the vet before I take him into the new location. However, I recall my friends doing this exact thing with their puppy who had fleas and it didn't work because the flea bath didn't kill all the fleas so the new place just got reinfested. I remember they spent a lot of money on it too!

Augh help please?



There are ways to trap fleas if you actually have them. they don't have to be on the pet by living in the carpet and just hop onto the cat to feed when hungry. I know people with pets who have tried this natural way to catch fleas and it works great. They are attracted to heat and thats why it works. At night have your cat in bedroom with you and try leaving a pan or two out in general living space and alert roommate that these are on the floor. Check out this instructional on what to do for the making of trap in this link.
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Flea-Trap

and this video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KKiHaNT6Bi8

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so, I gave my crush my number early this week...I said f it im gonna go for it, so I did...well he called me that same night, we talked on the phone for an hour, laughing, nice convo...well I seen him two days later and he came up behind me patted me on the back and said you're a good girl, smiled at me and walked away...ok...wtf...like wtf do men want, a slut bucket with no brains, a chic with a bunch of kids...cuz im am totally confused......I may be diff as in blunt and outspoken, have some morals, values, self respect, im not the run up and down the street, clubby type, i got too work, take care of what i need too, I don't ask anyone for anything etc....I like being at home that's cuz ive grown up etc but that really shouldn't intimidate a man or a guy who calls himself a man....can someone help me out with this......thanks

I can't tell you what he meant by his comment. You'd have to ask him.
But I think I understand the majority of men pretty well. They want a female for girlfriend/wife who is both the nice girl but the wild fun sexpot when in private.
There will be guys who only want the wild sexy gal and don't care about anything else deeper like her personality and who she is on the inside.
And there will be guys who assume that Nice and quiet is all there is to a gal and fail to see anything more.
I am not saying that to be fun and exciting for a guy that you dress slutty all the time, go to clubs, get drunk. If a guy wants an 'easy lay' he wouldn't be giving you any attention but you'd see him going after those types. Those guys are too shallow for me.
Cultivate your humor. Let natural comedy and laughter become something you do at times to spice things up. Men and women love to have a partner who can make them really laugh. I use phrases or words that are sexual innuendo's to keep my guy's interest, sometimes using such language that is totally out of character for me. Wear what is normal for you most the time, but at home or in private with him, wear something you know will catch a guys eye, a deeper neckline, tighter butt fitting pants, and when away from home wear the sexy underwear under your work clothes or average weekend clothes. Compliment your guy and let him know what you appreciate about him. This is often an area that us females tend to forget to do and guys need the attention and appreciation like the rest of us. Flirt and touch him when you can. When we are out shopping, I tend to walk next to him resting my hand at the bottom of his spine where the back takes a dip. I loving caressing that spot and tell him how much I like that every once in a while besides just doing it. Write love notes, and leave them where he can find them or text such messages to him. I had an old boyfriend do that to me, letting me knowing he was thinking of me during the day while I was at work and at the end says, thinking of you as the Goddess you are and can't wait to hold a nude Goddess and many other similar texts. I know that men like to hear the same in return. Giving a guy your number is just the start and there is lots more to add in for him to see and experience as time goes on. You are already an exciting girl for being blunt and outspoken. Let him hear things from you that shake up his idea that you may only be a nice girl without a wild side to you.

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I went to the doctor a while ago for terrible stomach pains and constant constipation or diarreah. He said i have a lazy colon and ibs and gave me medicine. Its started again recently and the pains are really bad. I have no appetite, whenever i eat i feel like vomitting because im too full. Everyday im either constipated or have diareah and my mom wont take me back to the doctor because they will say the dame thing. Does anyone have any advice or what else it could be? Thanks

HI dear. I was having some problems like that too. I don't tend to run to Drs first if I can study first on health. I had to change my diet. I found that eating an avocado would work better than over the counter meds when constipated. Surprisingly it has more fiber than most anything else.

As for the diarrhea, and or if you are having lots of gas, they are a sign that your digestive system can't handle the type of foods you eat.
I have two suggestions. Go to a Supplement store and purchase a good probiotic to start healing your gut. And don't believe those ads about Activia. It doesn't even have as many live cultures as Kefir. YOu could add Kefir to your diet but its best to take the probiotics in a capsule form. The best are refrigerated at the store and that is where you store it at home too.

Second, I suggest going to your library and checking out a book on Ayurvedic Medicine. This is a way of health practiced in India and has gained popularity in the US now too. The idea behind this is that there are 3 basic body types, or Doshas as they call them, Pitta, Vatta and Khapha. The book I checked out has an extensive list of questions to go through to discover which is your body type. The questions even include what type of dreams you usually have and I've found it is spot on as to everything about me when I found my body type. I am a Pitta and for example, I can not eat raw veggies as I love to do, but all mine need to be cooked. When I made the changes in diet sticking to what the book suggested for me, in a week I had firmer bowels and after a month, I seemed back to normal. I am not supposed to have chocolate either and love it. So if I break down and have some, I have to suffer having lots of gas. However, that goes away as soon as I take a break from the foods I know I cant eat as they give me gas and go back to my personal diet.

If you've wondered why all those miracle diets out there only work for some people but not others, its because the people trying it are different body types so it works only for the body type that can eat that kind of diet. I do not know if your pains are from gas, but if so, the pains should subside then in time. If your problem is very severe, and you have medicine from the Dr. then take it while working on what you can eat.

Actually, I have a 3rd suggestion. Most Americans are very low on certain vitamins or totally have zero on vital amino acids and other such things. I recently watched a documentary a friend passed on to me and can't recall the name but it was about the healing power of vitamins and supplements in larger does than the basic minimum or maximum in multi vitamins which I do take. But I also take 4 extra tablets of vitamin C per day now. Vitamin C, if that is all you do, can over time make you healthier. You still may need other supplements to totally heal your gut but it is possible with patience. It took a long time to get this sick so keep in mind it will take a long time to get back to perfect health.
If you have a Facebook account, you can add certain pages on health and set them to be at the top of your feed. One I am signed up to receive is 'Natural News' and another 'The Farmacy' or 'Healthy Food Style' and once you start reading the articles, you will begin to learn what is healthier for you and what products that are okayed by the FDA are not good at all and can make some people quite sick. Again, certain body types are more susceptible to things in processed food that shouldn't be there.
This is a lot to do. But if you want to get better, you have to take your own health into your hands and learn for yourself. Dr.s mean well but are only trained to treat the symptoms, not the root cause. Often the medicine prescribed causes more issues that require more prescribed meds. It is best to listen and learn and begin to make those changes. Since you are still living with parents, they may not be willing to buy special supplements or foods for you. All you can do is show them what you learn and try to do your best.

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Hi, we've been mates for a few months and get on quite well with all the bantering and teasing and we always have a laugh. we're in our late 20's but today when we're having a joke he asked me if i had hit on him with a smile, I said no, instead I said, you're the one who's hitting on me most of the time and he smiled and said oh, but you like it, don't you? you like it when I'm hitting on you and smiled again, I said I don't know, what? do you want me to like it when you're flirting with me? and he just smiled and smiled, I felt my face so red and shy, then he told me, me, 'you're very unique and I'm very lucky to have met you and we're friends. he does compliments me when he sees me. I don't know. I do fancy him a bit but I don't know if he does? he keeps mentioning we're friends but does friends flirts and teases loads? I don't get it. he does asks lot of question, personal questions. he's got a girlfriend though and I have a boyfriend. does this make us bad people to feel like this? help me please, guys!! thank you!

The fact that both of you are dating others means you need to get specific and ask some questions and get some answers and also decide at the same time whether you are happy with current boyfriend or not.

The true reason for dating is to get to know a person well enough to decide if this person is a keeper or whether you'd be settling for less by staying with them. If you want better, and your mate answers that tho he has a girlfriend that he would rather you be his girlfriend, then you let him know if you are interested. That would mean both of you breaking up with current boy/girl friends.

Until you ask hon, you won't know if he is flirting just for the sake of the fun of it, without being serious or whether he wishes you were his girlfriend.

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Hello, we've known each other for a 2 months and become a really good friends, always joking and sharing stories, helping with stuff however the other day,out of blue he says,'i will be your best friend if you want me to be.' The thing is we're friends already and why would he want to be best friend?? He says he will help me with things if I need one. He also says we will always be friends. I feel like he likes and I like him a little too but we can't do much because we both are taken. I can't dare to ask. Am I being a silly girl?? Please help! Thankyou

Hard to answer not knowing your age. And I also would need to know what you mean by "taken". If you are an adult and married, well thats a whole kettle of different fish. So please clarify and I'll see if I can give any advice.

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