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Baptist Church problems
Hi,
I have just started actively going to this church and I haven't missed a day. I went a year ago for about a month or two on days I could make it but had stopped going.
I had recently made a commitment to God and am doing everything that I can to obey Him. Reading scriptures first thing in a day. Striving to learn in truth and obtain wisdom in so I could obey Him more. I completely made a turn in my life and I have done well in staying on track for approximately a month. I've spent some days all day in scripture and in research. I received peace and grace because before a Sunday ago I was overwhelmed with guilt. I prayed at the alter and my guilt went away and things looked new. I thought that was my first time being saved but I'm not entirely sure because I accepted the Lord at seven years old. I loved Him so much. When around age 17 I went down the rebellious road. I turned to the world instead of turning to God when i broke inside. My downward spiral was deep into sin with a guilty conscious the entire way. I had lost care for myself and had thought acquiring a place with God wasn't for me for I couldn't submit as committed Christians had. They were so good in practice and I had thought I couldn't tame my nature as they had. Then I had thought if I did that I wouldn't be happy because I would be constantly denying myself; that seemed too much of a challenge for me to take on. I lived on the line of the world and Christianity. I did some very sinful things but just a touch to satisfy me without overwhelming guilt. I was curious about various sins and wanted to know them or a minimal idea of them through experience. I had bouts of stepping in the deep and running all the way out back to shore or had found complacence in the shallow. It was unending.
About a month ago after nearly losing everything and having my prayer, for a way out by getting help financially, never answered, I had given in. I gave up my pride that I clung to so tightly for years and years and turned to God and surrendered. This is my Abraham's readiness to take the life of his son. I surrendered and said I can't do this as my mind decides. I can't control my life. I repented and repented. I read and read to learn how God wants me to obey Him. I made effort with all of me to obey not letting my mind cause me to sin. I feel all this I had done and telling Jesus sincerely that I would follow Him forever and for Him to wash my sins with His blood has been good in His sight.
Lately this past week I've been feeling like I'm stumbling. At this Southern Baptist church of which I'm now getting acquainted, I feel like I'm making mistakes in the church. I talked to the preacher once because he did the sermon that day and his wife looked disconcerted. Am I not aloud to speak to any man of the church because I'm a single twenty-five year old? Including the preacher? Then there's this young woman around my age with a husband, [everyone around my age or older in that church seems to be married] she seems to be blown up with pride because one night while every stood up and spoke with convicted spirits of their gratitude of the Lord's grace, she was the only one that spoke with pride speaking from her head saying, "I grew up in the church. I didn't do as bad as some people. . . " You get the idea. Every time she comes up to hug me or say something I find it disingenuous. There was one time I was speaking to her about a book we had both read mentioned by the preacher's wife and she snubbed me by absolutely not even giving a response. I had been nothing but kind to her! She has a husband but I have no interest in anyone's husbands! Just because I'm single. It may not be that but maybe gossip from other people outside the church about my downward path of a prior time. I'm not sure but I feel judged now in the church. Especially by the women as if she spoke to one and one spoke to another. Even in my downward spiral I drew a line when it came to married men. I don't know the hidden rules of the Baptist church so much any more. I went to one when I was a kid where I could freely speak to anyone without having someone's eyes fixed on me. In my teens I went to a Methodist church which aren't that strict in those customs. At this church I feel like I'm a misfit and walking on eggshells constantly. Like oh., I don't know if he's got a wife in here, I should be aloof and he'll go away. I feel like I must look like some strange woman here. I don't like what I think my social identity here is becoming because I want to make these people like a part of my family. I want to accept them and they accept me. I'm in love with the sermons and I feel like it could be a church that I could grow in. Now I'm in the verge of tears because one thing seems to fall after another. I'll admit I've spent so much time alone, too, and I'm not used to being around people or nice people. For the most part, the people in that church are nice. My entire life I have never been good at relationships of friends and family because I have intimacy issues and anxiety.
What should I do? I feel powerless.
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Want to answer more questions in the Miscellaneous category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Spirituality?
Before I answer your issue, I have a question for you. If you found a mouse in the cookie jar, would you think it was a cookie just because it was in the cookie jar? Of course not. But we forget to apply the same logic to churches. Just because you find people going to church, that doesn't mean they are believers, or they may be illusioned and self important and thus believe they are fine and need no fine tuning by God, or you have those like yourself, truly wanting to love and serve and God and become part of his family but have a steep learning curve ahead. NOt everyone in a church will be as mature as the person sitting next to them. Just because one is in church, doesn't make the person perfect. I have been in churches that created so many rules and doctrines to support their man created ideas and beliefs that are often not what God wants, is not in the Bible or most often it is a misinterpretation of what the Bible says. Lots of misunderstandings in the church. Some churches are better than others, and it really depends on who is leading it and what that person really believes, and so on.
Being a Christian is way simpler than the organized church would have you believe. God only wishes for two things: For you to have a personal relationship with him and keep growing in your spirituality, trying your best to become more like your heavenly Father. And the second is to treat ALL people with love as your siblings. It does not stop at the church doors. I have found people who no longer attended church but have a vibrant relationship with God going their own path. See, not everyone is at the same maturity level as a Christian yet we expect and often the elders expect us to be better than we are ready for and we try to get there so quickly to catch up with others. But that is not the right thing to do.
THink of it like school. A baby christian or new believer is a Kindergartner. Wouldn't it be impossible for a Kindergartner to wistfully watch a high school student and want to be at that level of knowledge and know how and try to be there right from the start?
As for Church goers and Pastors and elders acting strange when it comes to speaking to each other, I have found this stems from crazy ideals they have on trying to be pure and assuming it means erasing their sexuality. Women must wear T shirts over bathing suits when the church goes to a lake for a fun event, women can only give or get a side hug from a male, not a frontal one...heaven forbid the man would feel your boobs...being facietious here. But those are only two examples out of a whole bunch I've experienced. I know of people who were so afraid to even kiss or hold hands. I went to a wedding where the bride fainted when it was time to kiss at end of ceremony because they assumed that it was improper to kiss or hold hands even. A month after the wedding, the marriage was annulled because they couldn't bring themselves to have sex. The church is filled with lots of phobias that lead people down into despair or fear and they remain stuck. God created our sexuality and it is something good. He never meant for the churches to twist things around.
Since you are new to Christianity, you will need to look for a church that is more relaxed and doesn't have distorted logic or man made rules that are nothing but twisted phobias that have no place being part of a CHristians life. The happiest couples I know are the ones who totally ignored the admonitions on personal sexual practices and did what was pleasing to each other. Other couples who tried to follow the church laws so closely, ended up divorced and in one case, switched partners, two couples remarrying someone else in church cus they realized the person they were with wasnt right for them.
Get the bible study and don't take individuals actions to you too personally. Its not the matter of time someone has been in the church that gives them more maturity but how vibrant their relationship with God is that makes the difference and a new beleiver if willing can achieve that and be far ahead of them. If there is too much over time that you find wrong with this church, then find another one that is more realistic and down to earth and loving and supporting no matter how mature a believer is. You dear, are not powerless. Gods strength flows thru you and with the right attitude and the right reasons, you can accomplish much in your growth, and be a good example to others. My personal opinion dear is that if you have intimacy issues/sexual issues, then most churches are not going to help you overcome it but become much much worse. If you find this area of your life starts going in a downward spiral, you really may have to hunt hard for a better fellowship.
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