I have absolutely no self-esteem because of my past full of such horrible events, so this is probably why I dwell on this so heavily all the time. Deeply, I feel that I am not good enough for my fiance... maybe because I've been told all my life that I'm not good enough, but it's just no matter how hard I try... I don't feel good enough for this man.
I practice "smiling depression" everyday, because I don't ever want to bother him with my major clinical depression. I *do* get help for my depression and horrid generalized anxiety disorder, but it takes everything I have to appear "perfectly okay" to him, because... I'm never okay. My illnesses plus my chronic pain and fatigue take nearly 95% of all the energy I have. Attempting to make my fiance as happy as he should be takes away the rest of my energy. I feel as if I'm just existing. I'm ****ing (please, please, please excuse my language) miserable.
But I want to be better for him, because I love him more than I could ever love anyone or anything. He's my rock; all that I live for; I literally have nothing else to live for, which I have *NEVER* told him because I don't want to put that kind of pressure on him.
As I stated above, I practice "smiling depression" for him all the time.
I am losing weight for him. I brisk-walk like 60 minutes a day, plus exercise throughout the day.
I practice never getting upset or angry at him every second of every day as well as not ever making him upset. I don't ask him to spoil me in any way, instead I spoil him with massages and compliments and other such. There's not a day that goes by where I don't enthusiastically and genuinely tell him that he's the most gorgeous man in the universe over five hundred times.
When he does give me a gift (which is very rarely, because I don't like him spending money on me), I won't shut up about how much I appreciate it.
That's all I can think of on the top of my head.
He's so amazing. I couldn't live without him. But what kills me is that he agrees with me that I don't make him as happy as he should be, so what else should I do?
My reaction was a shocked, What the heck!? It may not be plain to you but just the words you used points out that it is possible you are trying to earn his love. While it may sound like thats not too bad, think about a new born baby.
A baby has lots of needs and can't do anything for you to earn a parents love, but the parent loves their child anyways. That is a healthy version of love. Everything you wrote is what you are doing for him. Unless I missed it and I read this twice, I didn't see anywhere that he mentions he loves you and does one better by showing it thru his actions towards you. If he's just waiting around to see what you can do for him, that scares me. You may have chosen the wrong words to explain and given a wrong impression. But you said He does say you don't make him as happy as he wants to be.
Thats a big red flag dear. I would hold off on marriage until things can be worked out if at all possible. Can you imagine being married to him, with kids now and he still says he isn't happy with you so he's off having an affair?
I used to have severe social anxiety but never clinical depression. But I have family who do suffer. I know people who can only be helped by medsd and others who have used non medicine treatments to overcome both depression and anxieties and I overcame mine back in Sr. year of HS. using a method that focuses on the root of the problem--distorted thinking. Yes some people can have low levels of Neuro transmitters that can't be brought up any other way than by meds but the public has been led to believe thats the only way.
There are now psychologists who practice CBT, Cognitve, Behavioral Therapy which is having great impact on healing those who suffer from depression and anxiety. If you could deal with yourself first and be rid of all that and gain self confidence, you wouldn't be so worried about having to earn love and you would be able to see more clearly if any person really loves you in return, unconditionally or not. Unconditional love means you may not condone or like something about a person, but if it isn't something that is hurtful or damaging to a relationship, you love them in spite of it. This makes me wonder if your fiancee has unconditional love for you. If I had given my second husband conditions he had to meet like losing more weight when I met him, then I wouldn't be married to him. He has continued to struggle with his weight. But I love him without any conditions. I love who he is on the inside. And who he is on the inside is a thousand times better than my last marriage partner who ended up charming friends and family but turned on me once married, and was verbally abusive the entire marriage. I have since studied more about women who are abused and found that men who tend to be controlling and abusive will not give a moments time to a self confident women because she would never allow him to get away with such treatment and would leave him. Its the women with low self esteem and low self confidence who end up with guys who are abusive because they are such easy targets and it makes them feel better about themselves to be able to bully and control and mistreat their woman. I certainly hope this is not whats ahead for you.
If you want to work on yourself, how to be better for him as you asked, well it takes two whole people to make a marriage work, equal efforts, and if one is lacking in some way, they lean way too hard on the other. You don't have to say anything about him being your reason for living but eventually a partner will feel that and it can hurt a relationship more often than not being a big deal. I would suggest reading about how a person can be healed of depression and anxieties since without those, you'd instantly be a better stronger whole person. I mentioned family and had friends too who read books by this author long ago. And I recently for curiousity sake checked them out at my library or you can ask for the books at a bookstore or have them ordered. The author Is David D. Burns. Heres his web site: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
and the two books I've read and recommend to give you hope and know that help is possible if you cn find a Dr. who practices CBT are:
Feeling Good--the New Mood therapy (for depression)
When Panic Attacks (for anxieties)
Once you've dealt with that and are ready, let me know and I'll share a simple exercise that will help build self confidence. Got it from a womans magazine of all places. But the depression and such need to be worked on first. [ Dragonflymagic's advice column | Ask Dragonflymagic A Question ]
supermood answered Monday February 27 2017, 6:32 am: It sounds to me like you're doing enough, and he hasn't actually asked you to change. He's probably not even wishing for you to lose weight or be better than him, maybe it's just your paranoia that he is going to leave you if you're not good enough. But he chose YOU! He didn't choose anyone else, so he obviously cares about you and loves you exactly the way you are, you don't need to change. You should talk to him about how you feel and be more open with him because one of the main reasons for relationships to break apart is paranoia. I'm sure if you could see yourself through his eyes, you would love yourself as he loves you. Remind yourself that you're good enough exactly the way you are because nobody could ever love him the amount that you do. Try doing something nice for him, surprise him with something really sweet, maybe buy him something he's always wanted or take him somewhere he loves to go - remind him how much you love him. Sometimes it's not about losing weight for the man you love or being more attractive or being happy, sometimes it's just about being there for them and making them happy. If he didn't love you exactly the way you are, why would you be together? Hell, why would you be engaged? Don't change yourself because you're great the way you are - one man in particular obviously thinks you are... [ supermood's advice column | Ask supermood A Question ]
Attention: NOTHING on this site may be reproduced in any fashion whatsoever without explicit consent (in writing) of the owner of said material, unless otherwise stated on the page where the content originated. Search engines are free to index and cache our content. Users who post their account names or personal information in their questions have no expectation of privacy beyond that point for anything they disclose. Questions are otherwise considered anonymous to the general public.