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Am I allowed to feel upset by this?
Hello! You answered a question of mine a very long time ago about a boy who was very close to my family that I had started to talk to. It turns out that he did end up liking me, and we were nonstop talking for the next 3-4 months and making plans to see each other once my college program over the summer was done. I had a couple of issues with him when it came to communication because it seemed to be very one sided most of the time with me trying to get to know him while he stayed on the surface level of being flirty all of the time. There was an incident of a boy in the program trying to touch me inappropriately, and all I wanted to do was talk to someone about it (I enjoy speaking to others when I'm upset, it seems to be the best way for me to feel better). I called him, but he was out drinking at a bar with friends, and he told me he didn't want to hear about the situation, and he hung up to continue drinking. I was already in a pretty awful mood so we had a fight the next day, and I ended up telling him we were just in two different places to continue talking. We stopped talking for 6 months, and just recently he stayed the night at my house because my dad invited him while he was in town to avoid paying for a hotel. We had an intense conversation on how devastated he was when I said goodbye, and he just seemed like he had matured a great deal since the last time I saw/heard from him. That was last week, and we have been talking a little, and he seems like he's moving incredibly fast trying to make this into a relationship only a week after we started talking again. I just learned today that pretty recently (in the last 2 months) he had done cocaine with my older uncle (who is 40) and my cousin (who is 19). I hate that they were doing drugs like that, but on top of that, they had sex with 3 girls at the same time while they were together. I confronted my cousin because I am the most comfortable going to him, and he told me that my uncle and the guy I'm talking to have shared girls multiple times. I know that he did this while we weren't talking, but it still disgusts me, and I would be lying if I said it didn't make me look at him differently. Is it wrong for me to be upset that he did this? It has changed my feelings for him drastically, and I feel that I need to bring it up due to the fact that we're starting to talk again. I wouldn't be upset about him sleeping with other people, but the fact that he has done it with my uncle and cousin freaks me out and makes me sick to my stomach. I'm at a total loss of what to do here. I want to tell him that I need time to comprehend this, but I feel like that will be insanely awkward to bring up (there are some things I just don't feel comfortable going to him about), and I don't know if this is something I'll ever entirely get over. I would love ANY advice, and I would tremendously appreciate you answering my question. Thank you!
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You have written much information so I will make my comments as we go thru your message.
If I understand right, you had the 3-4 months to get to know each other before you were at college and waiting to see each other after. Depending on how much real face to face quality time is spent with a potential partner, you can either learn alot quickly about him or it could take many months or even a year.
You mention one sided communication and that is not good. I watched a video done by a man to help women understand how a man ticks as far as whether he is really committed to you and loves you or not. I will post that with my added info at the end.
As for him flirting, there are different types of flirting. You may beleive he is interested in you because he has flirted. Keep in mind that some people, women too will just flirt for the fun of it. I know plenty of happily married couples who will flirt with their friends who are other couples and all know that it is not serious as they have said so at some point. Flirting this way can be misleading to someone newer on the dating scene or with less experience. Then there are men who are only responding to you in lust and will flirt to see if you are easy and they can get into your pants.
I understand speaking to others when upset. I also do the same to problem solve. Sometimes just hearing myself talk helps me clear what might be just my assumptions and what is really proven.
When you called him at the bar and he hung up not wanting to hear about anything you had to say, that is something covered in the list I will post at the end. Basically for now, if a man was truly interested in a woman, she would be one of his top 3 priorities in life, but not the top one. Men see commitments to a job, school, buddies, blood family, etc differently than females. Easily job, friends and girlfriend could be his top 3. If so and he just wanted time alone with the guys, and he cared about you and your feelings, he would have explained this was his guy time but told you when is a good time to call or visit and done so in a sweet tone. Often, we end up homing in on only one or two things that make a guy sound promising and the female continues to pursue him even if his interest in her is barely there or none existant like if his feelings changed or e never really cared.
Next, you fought while you were in a bad mood. I say it is not advisable but does happen from time to time. If you are in an okay mood but the partner is in a touchy bad mood, it still won't work. Got plenty experience in that with first husband being verbally abusive. Even if I spoke in a caring tone without any anger in my heart, just wanting to improve things with us, he came unglued and would get angry and yell. Its like trying to fight a fire by adding kindling to a fire. I have also learned 'HOw to fight fairly" by reading books. There are ways to state your issues without getting a rise out of the other person, getting them to listen to the end without mentally shutting down on you or hanging up. I would suggest you read such a book whether you keep up a relationship with this guy or not as it is something that will help you in life, lifelong as you butt heads with others, like coworkers, cashiers, etc.
It was a great thing that you voiced to him that you both were in different places to continue talking. Since gaining lots of self confidence later in life, I have learned to do just that. Although I might take it further, I actually mention what I will and will not tolerate. Until you have done so, a guy can be excused for not knowing what is considering stepping over the boundaries you set and the rules you state of how you like to be treated. If he still wants to be with you, then a guy who knows your wishes and blatantly does the opposite has to be told that it is over and then you cannot run back to him later. Females biggest problems are not having enough self confidence to do this and a fear of being alone or never having a boyfriend/lover/husband. So we tend to put up with lots of crap and because we do and never give the ultimatums to a guy, he thinks he doesn't have to contribute more than he does and its like training him that it is okay to treat you crappy. I know that may sound weird but I have read reports of psychologists who also say this so I am only telling you how it really is.
Now we discuss when he came into town. HIs stating he felt devastated when you ended it may be true, but he is only thinking about his feelings here, not how you are affected or your feelings so what he shared is calculated to make a female think he really cares more than you thought. It is a selfish place he is in, only caring about what brings him happiness and excitement in life. Then you proceed to talk with him again for the past week. And it seems like he has matured a great deal. What you see on the surface isn't always what is true for a person deep down at core. Most people when trying to impress someone or win a person over, whether for true solid interest or for selfish reasons, we all mostly tend to put our best foot forward. For those who know deep down that they have many flaws or simply beleive they are flawed, these people will create a false persona to hide behind. The good thing is that if you wait long enough, usually just a months time of seeing such a person often, the false persona will slip and let their real self come thru the cracks. I experienced this 3 times with 3 different men who passed muster for me at first face to face meet when I was on a dating site looking for a new mate. But by the 2nd or 3rd date, they felt comfortabel enough to think they had me hooked in and they could relax and be themselves. The behavior I saw from all 3 was selfish, arrogant, controlling, hard to please and habitual liars. I had verval abuse with first husband, I was not going to settle for the same or worse or I would be totally stupid to do so. I broke it up right away without any regrets. If you feel a person can grow and mature in as little as 6 months compared to over a lifetime, then I don't know what to tell you to convince you otherwise.
I will say that at the end of marriage when we were going to counseling, I got to talk alone with the psychologist who in answer to my question about whether it was possible for my husband to change his destructive ways with me, told me this: A person only makes major character changes for the better over a lifetime. Most people only make tiny little changes over life. It takes hitting rock bottom, no longer pointing the finger elsewhere but taking personal account of who and what you are and a deep desire to improve. In most cases, he said, that for something along the lines of how the husband treated me, he might improve a little if he applied himself but it could take till the end of his life to finally get there for as serious as his issues were. He truly cared about himself more than me and finally confessed he was never in love with me. Those are major issues. So the counselor told me all this so I could more easily make a last ditch effort to stay with him after almost 30 yrs. Since he could not promise that there would be any change that I could be happy to live with for the rest of my life, I knew it was over and I left him. I know his issues may be different than your guy but how quickly a person changes is most likely way way more than just over mere months dear.
If he is just young, inexperienced and the type of person to self correct as he comes across life situations that he is open to learning from, only then will you see improvement.
Next is the topic of drugs and sex. I am not one for doing recreational drugs, illegal drugs just for the fun of it. The most i have done is marijuana for insomnia as it works best for me. I would never consider being married to a guy who does drugs, does gambling or drinks til drunk. Those are vices that can hurt a relationship. It sounds like you don't like the idea of him doing drugs. Thats good. YOu need to take this quite a few steps further and decide exactly and specifically what you want in a guy and what behavior you will not tolerate. The list will be created over time as you will add to it as you think of or come across situations that remind you. To know what you 'must have' in guy you need to know and understand yourself well, like writing a resume for a job, you really have to know your strengths and weaknesses to know what you require in a guy. This is another letter I have saved that I can send you. It is very good as I used this list, my angels told me to make this and I kept forgetting so I was being constantly reminded to the point of harassed...lol, by the angels until I did this. I didn't think it important but once I had done so, I found how helpful it is. I called it How to find Mr Right. If you want me to send that, let me know but you must go to my column and write me from there for me to be able to respond.
Then there's the sex. I know lots of people like using street drugs with sex as it helps them to lose some of the control or mind sets and be able to really enjoy sex more. But this sex orgy and exchanging of partners puts the warning flag up for me. I am no prude and went to swing clubs with my ex. But we were always clear of mind, not drunk and not under influence of drugs so we could practice safe sex using condoms. A person on drugs cannot be held responsible to remember to use condoms so it is likely that if he doesn't already have Herpes or HPV, human papalova virus that creates genital warts, he could easily contract and most likely will at a future point. These two are not easily to know you have as you can be a carrier and pass it on without having had the physical evidence that you have it. Certain strains of HPV put a female at a higher risk of cancer in her female parts and she must be checked yearly to see if anything changes for the worse. So it is entirely not a good idea to be with someone someday who tends to want to do drugs and be the male slut. Are you thinking though that he only turned to street drugs and multiple female sex partners only because you stopped talking to him? If so, I hope you believe me when I say that most guys unless they are head over heels in love, truly a dependable man, who had proven their character and what they say they are by their actions and deeds, only that type of person may be very depressed. But to go into drugs or loose sex just to spite another person or because you are mad or upset, is actually a self destructive thinking and action. Mature people would recognize that just by their own thoughts before even attempting to do such things.
You can say its okay if he has sex with others since there is no commitment really between you...his words are not a commitment, only his actions can prove that he is committed to you and wants to pursue a relationship in earnest once you're out of college.
To be honest, he has shown nothing by his actions that prove he is really into you or even loves you. A man who is ready to find a long term girlfriend or serious about a committed life relationship, will really put in 100% effort in trying to find his partner or mate. He doesn't wait for the inexperienced naive woman, or the woman with low self confidence to just fall into his lap.
As for talking to him and letting him know what you do not like about things he is doing, the train left the station too long ago, this was something you should have told him in the beginning, before really getting into a friendship/relationship of sorts. Even if an LDR or online relationship, it is important for the guy to know if he's barking up the wrong tree. You let him know what criteria you have for him and if he doesn't fit it, he's out of the equation and has to move on. An error done in innocence is usually just one time thing and something he rectifies immediately. YOur man should ideally care about your emotions, not ever want to see you crying or upset because of something he has done and if so, he is genuinely contrite, apologetic and like my husband, not just promising to not do it again but asking what he can do to prove it to me. Usually its just life stresses that get me to have a crying period sometimes and he's not at fault but still wants to cheer me up and always asking if its something he said or did.
Sometimes, two people are not a match for several reasons. And if there are too many differences, there will be trouble in the relationship and neither will be satisfied. It takes having two things for a solid foundation for a relationship and one is being each others best friend. You treat your girlfriends wonderful, right. YOu should expect that kind of treatment to even a higher degree from a life partner/lover. If its not there, the relationship will be rocky at best or fail. Next is being each others sexual equal. this includes what things a person likes in sex, like BDSM and such which aren't for everybody. Then libido is important, having the same level of desire for sex. One person may be happy with once a week or once a month but the other wants every day of the week or several times a week which may seem too much to the partner. These are real needs and issues for a person to enjoy sex so you need to know this stuff and be able to ask at the point it seems a relationship is headed for becoming sexual. Even if it is only talk about sex in an LDR/online with someone serious, this is the time to talk about what you like. If not sure, then it may be best to experiment with several different sex partners to discover what you like before committing to a long term relationship, or heck even a short one. When both these things are present as a foundation for the relationship, it is very hard to not be anything but happy and fulfilled. It is okay for others to have a life that you don't approve of. They may be more immature souls on the planet who have a lot of learning ahead and being paired up with a more highly intelligent soul such as yourself most likely will not help them at all. You would think that being a good example would help. I tried that for 30 years. I know now why it doesn't work. Only a person who is seeking an answer on how to improve in an area of life will copy a friend, a mate, family who are doing much better in a particular area. Most people do not choose to become introspective and really look at who they are and where they can improve. Most people are not open to hearing instruction or even suggestions. The trick is to find the person who is already at a level in relationship skills that you can live with without him making any changes at all and the same for him with the girl. Remember, few people ever make the kind of changes in a lifetime that will affect a relationship positively. Ask for the Mr. Right letter if you wish, but heres the one on how to know if he loves you. I believe its what you need to see as you are hoping to have a man someday who truly loves you, not just likes you somewhat, or is in lust over you.
DOES HE LOVE YOU
Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.
1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women tranlate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says “I love you”, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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