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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

17/f
My ex is 22. We broke up recently and it broke me completely. I moved cities a few years ago and when we broke up i came to stay with family in my old city to be with my best friend. My ex and i got in q very big fight and he started accusing my mother of things. I sent my mom the messages but now she wants to message his father. Im now scared because he knows all my secrets. Ive had sex with him and i had sex with others before i was in a relationship with him, he knows about me getting drunk and smoking. He knows i took the morning after pill he knows all of my secrets. He will tell my mom. What do i do?

Well, all I can say is that if your ex for any reason decides to "tell your truths" to your mom, then he will be exposing himself as the one who got you pregnant and since you are 17 now which is a minor and any male older than a minor has sex with a minor, then he would go to jail. Funny thing is most teens have sex with other teens who won't fall under that law since they are minor aged boys with minor aged girls. I know some statee have laws regarding sex between minors as well.
Personally, if I had a daughter tell me that a friend of hers was accusing me of things, making up all sorts of stuff, I would suggest she no longer associate with some one like that and it would not bother me as an adult to worry about what some other young person thought of me. I would not feel the need to call a kids parents just because they targeted me verbally. If the parent were a friend of mine, I may say something but to contact another parent and say something when I don't know if they ever disciplined, or their kid is God in their eyes and they would accuse me of being the trouble maker, NO....it isn't worth contacting other parents and possibly getting slammed. But if this is what your Mom wants to do, then I am sure that the drama of this all will just bring more drama. You can not erase your past. If you could do it all over again, would you, the kinds of things your Mom would not approve of? If you would, then obviously you wouldn't do anything differently which means this is the way you do want to live your life which is likely different than Mom would approve of. Why be afraid of Mom then? Only reason I can see is if Mom had specific rules in place for you and you broke them. And the other reason for being afraid is that perhaps since you are not yet legally an adult, that you are still under Her care and Her rules. So if you went against what you knew Mom expected of you, then yes, you are in trouble. I won't tell you to lie, it is best to tell the truth. Your Mom doesn't know that he is 22, she assumes he is your age and so is thinking since he's a minor still, his parents would want to know. You may as well start planning how to come clean with Mom, cus once she hears from the parents that the son is an adult so she should be talking to him not his parents, then she will know something is not right. If you refuse to give her a contact for the parents, Mom might jump to the conclusion (a correct one) that you have something to hide. SO AS i see it, who knows how this could pan out. It might go better for you to confess now before things go south. Worries about what ifs, don't usually come to pass because its more a product of over thinking and negative thinking.
Sorry hon.

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I've gotten into a terrible rut with procrastinating all the time on everything and now my sleep schedule is messed up because of it.

I have two jobs, one of them is a work at home and the other I travel to the next city over for usually twice or three times a week.

My issue (although lies in me) stemmed from my first job. It consists of working on projects that are on time as long as they're turned in before my boss gets to work the next day (I send them in online). My boss usually sends over my work around 3pm. I'll start on it around 4 and then usually take a break at around 6. However, I then procrastinate on finishing it until really late at night just because I know that technically I can. Sometimes I don't even start on them until 1 or 2am in the morning and then I'm awake working on them until usually 5 or 6am. Then this turns into me sleeping until 1:30pm in the afternoon or on really bad days like today I slept until 3pm.

This of course ruins my entire schedule and turns into a pattern because now I don't get tired until around 4am.

Another example is that last night I worked for my first job until 5am then went to bed and I knew I needed to work a night shift at my second job today so I made plans with a friend in the same city to meet up with him before I went into work, but that didn't happen because I slept until 3pm. Then I had to get up, take a shower, get ready, get something to eat, check the mail, and get gas. I KNEW I also needed to do laundry, but I need to be at my second job around 6:30pm which means leaving at 5:30pm and I don't have time for laundry now because laundry takes two hours and it's already 4. Now I'm wearing some dirty clothes (mixed with clean) for the second day in a row because I keep procrastinating on doing laundry. That means I'll be wearing dirty clothes tomorrow too because I won't get home until 1am tonight and the laundromat closes at midnight.

This kind of madness gets extremely aggravating on Sundays because by the time i wake up everything is closing within two or three hours so I can never utilize those days to their full potential.

Ideally I want to be going to sleep at 2-3am and waking up at 10 or 10:30am. I keep setting my alarm for these times, but I just hit snooze without even thinking about it every time until it eventually turns off altogether.


Help! How do I fix this!


As already stated, the solution IS simple but like any bad habits or patterns, breaking out of that is not so simple. What basically happens is that we end up fighting ourselves. Its basically a fight between your conscious self and subconscious self. When awake, you can clearly see the issues and know this isn't going to work forever and is actually causing problems for you with time for yourself and sleep and work. I am very familiar in myself at least with how differently my subconscious sees things. My subconscious is where the emotions are stored. Watching a movie that is sad or scary can have me reacting with tears or feeling jumpy or frightened as I focus on a movie that I know isn't even a for real issue, just actors. My subconscious controls all the thing I don't need to think about, blinking my eyes or remembering to take my next breath. It also seems to wish to do whatever it thinks will please the 'awake' or conscious me, like a great support friend in the background. Unfortunately at times, it also views things like a child would, without full understanding. So it assumes that what is focused on most thought wise, is something that I like and want to keep.
Actually most peoples subconscious all work the same way.
So this may not be true for you but if your subconscious is working a plan that goes against what your conscious mind wants, then it may well explain away whats going on.

Lets address the snooze alarm. Even if you know the time you need to be up to get everything done, you choose to sleep in again, and the question to ask is why. Sometimes yes, it may be you didn't get enough sleep. But for some people, we put off that which we really don't deep down like doing. Not all of us have jobs that we really enjoy, its just a paycheck. But if there are other options, that might be a solution. It sounds like though many can handle a night or evening job, that your system does not do well with it or you plain don't like having to work evenings and would prefer a regular daytime job and have the evenings to yourself like most. Or you just may have the personality that responds better to some structure from a job where you leave the house and go to the job. I know it would be hard for me to work from home because I would always see the things that need to be done or I would rather be doing.
It may be that you are having these issues as the only way your subconscious has to getting your attention and getting across a message that it doesnt like something or is afraid, unhappy....

If this is the only job that really works for you and you do not prefer to have a day job, then heres what to do. Place your alarm clock across the room from you so that you have to get up to hit snooze or get up. This helps some people to stop the habit of hitting snooze.

As for working from home. Keep checking or set phone or pc to let you know when bosses work schedule has arrived. Then pack up your pc and leave the house. Find a coffe house or Starbucks that is close to you. I go often and I see a lot of students doing studying there where they can't be distracted at home, and lots of others use an alternative place to do actual work for a job. I've actually listened to them if sitting near me being on phone and pc for work. If you search locations, some places are open til 6 630 or even later 830. If you have work and start by 4 and work til closing at 830, you've already had 4 1/2 hours of work. HOw long does it take, just time put in on doing the work online? If its around this time or more, you've already got a lot done and you don't have the temptations that you do at home to fall into the bad habit again. Looking for a place with internet where you can sit long term as long as you buy a drink or some food, is the best thing, and if you want more work time, then look for one that is open even longer. There is one Starbucks in the N. end of my city that stays open til midnight. That would be ideal for you if you need to break your habit of being distracting and putting work off. Once you feel you're back on track, you can move to working from home location again and see if you can stay on track. If it only lasts a while and you fall back into the old patterns, then you seriously need to keep working on pc from a location outside/away from your home, or really get serious about finding a structured conventional job away from home where you put in your 8 hours. If honest with yourself, how much do you really like this job? If you tend to dread it more than finding aspects of it that you like, keep working it but look actively for something else.

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Here's how it is, you're my darling, aren't you, he says. Go to different uni but we're friends. Laughing, joking and talking is always there between us. He normally uses my name to call me but lately he's been calling darling a lot or either dear. He says he's joking, at least that's what he says but I told him he's flirting. We just backfired at other. Now, calling friend a dear and darling and you're my darling meaning something at all??

Do you want it to mean something? If only interested in him as a friend, then say and do nothing and the friendship will go on as is, especially if he just likes to flirt for flirtings sake. Flirting for many is fun, a way to sharpen our skills in interacting with the opposite sex in fun ways, whether married or not. Flirting can be serious, or not mean anything in particular to the person doing it. I have known plenty of people who flirt but have no romantic interest in the people they flirt with.
Most likely as Dr D said, he is using words of endearment as a way to flirt and leave hints of his interest. So if you are interested in him being more than a friend and you love to tease and joke, then ask him something next time he says, "You are my darling, aren't you?" Because that is a statement and a question at the same time. So he is hoping to get an answer back from you.
When two hetero people are close friends, both will be afraid to confess their true feelings for fear if the other person doesn't like you in the same way, that it could break up the friendship due to the awkwardness of being with someone as a friend when you are in love with them. This is the biggest reason I know of for 'Friends" not confessing their feelings and using only flirting.

I saw nothing of the responses if any that you give him back. So he may still not know how you feel. If all you've said is that he is flirting, that statement only confirmed what you see his behavior as, but does not confirm whether you have feelings for him. I am a big tease and love to talk to people. If I was asked "YOU're my darling arent you?" I would focus on his actual words in an offbeat way. Unless a person is a mind reader or can read a persons heart, there is no way for you to know for sure that he feels you are his darling and then there is the question of how he is interpreting and using the word.
It might sound like fishing for compliments but he's already doing that so I would say: I can't read your mind so I have no idea what you are thinking about me other than you saying I am your Darling. You say that alot as of lately. So its got me wondering how I earned the endearing term of Darling cus the only men I know of consistantly using terms of endearment with their ladies is because they are a couple and love each other. So is this your way of flirting just for fun, or are you seriously thinking of moving on from friendship to trying something more. If so, I'd be open to that or willing to just remain friends."

With that, you've laid it all out there and it will at least make him think about what he is doing. If not serious and flirting for fun only, then he should be willing to clear things up. If he is serious, then he will realize that his flirting has confused you and you need something more from him to know for sure. This is his chance to confirm how he feels about you. You don't have to have feelings of love yet for a guy to try dating. You only need to be willing to give it a try and see what happens and that is the best non threatening opening you can give him. The ball will then be in his court to make the right response. Good luck dear

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Ok, long story short, what's the meaning of this when the boy tells that, i like you, in fact very much when we're out with our uni friends but when he said that we're alone meanwhile when we went to buy drinks and snacks he insisted to pay like he always does. i tried to pay him back the next day but he goes on and says, no it's alright, i'd like to spoil you, buying things for you. he's going away for a few weeks. he says he will miss me very much. we're friends but also i can feel that he likes me a little, least a little? no idea though. we tease each other loads. is he hinting anything at all? i felt like saying stop saying you like me and miss me otherwise you're going to fall in love with me but i just couldn't didn't have a courage to say that. So, what do i expect here?

Without asking for clarification which can be a scary thing to do, you can choose to guess one way, that he's falling for you, or that he is just a quirky but good male friend. But guessing on the part of two people, does not help to define what kind of relationship there is between the two of you. Hints can mean something but the same hints can mean nothing in particular.
I do rely often on my women's intuition so if you are sensing something there, then you are probably right.
Males often need some time to realize they are in love. In lust is another thing but they feel that usually right at the start when a lady catches their eye. But to realize love, it takes an approach of several things. He will notice her first by looks and then when observing her, notice a thing or two more he likes so he's drawn to talk to her and befriend her. As friends, if spending lots of time together, the part of learning more about her, personality wise, draws his interest even deeper. He can at this stage really like a gal and miss her when they're not together, but this doesn't help him always realize he's falling for her. So its good if a guy and gal start as best friends and later move on to love. If you like him enough that you'd be interested in him being your boyfriend, then you may as well say something before another woman asks him out and he ends up romantically 'taken'.
I will say tho that since he insists on paying for your drinks or other things, that is a good sign he is interested. Its one thing if he does so once in a while, and I wouldn't say it meant anything. Although, it could also mean his parents raised him with old school ideas of how a man should be a gentleman, and treat women with chivalry, no matter spouse or helping the next door lady fix something as my husband is, chivalrous to all women. He doesn't do things like this to flirt or drops hints he's interested. I know by his behavior that I am the only one he is romantically and sexually interested in. But that doesnt make him selective in doing kind deeds for other females. There is a slight chance your guy might be this type, in which case, relying on this action of his as a hint, won't help at all.
If as you say you both like to teach each other alot, heres something you might try to see if you can get helpful information. Use a teasing tone and let it show in your face but ask him, "Do you like to buy drinks all the time for your male buddies? Or is that something you just do with all females?" If his answer is "only you". To find out more, you'd have to look puzzled and ask something like "Just me? Should I feel like this is an act of more than friendship or do I come across as broke and destitute all the time?" Add a big grin here and you will have just done two things, corner him with a question and a tease that he will fall into one side or the other with his answer. He may not realize he is all that interested in you but even if he didn't have an answer, or no matter what answer he gives, that question will hopefully stick in his mind later and he may begin to wonder if he really is falling for you.
Last thought to leave with you, some people never get brave enough to ask any questions guys included as they get as nervous and scared to say something as the ladies. So just think into the future, would you live the rest of your life wondering if anything could have happened between you two? If so, it may be better to take the leap and ask.
If you haven't been friends long, wait a while to ask anything but if you've been friends even 3 to 6 mos and see each other quite often, then you can use this next line in the future: "We do so well together as friends that I was wondering if we would do just as great if we tried being more than friends. What do you think?" Here you plant the idea in his mind and then ask for his opinion. So its not threatening as you have not professed to love him. This is where the guy says, No, I don't have romantic feelings for you, just friendship. Or if he does feel something more for you, this is his chance to explore that without fear of you refusing him, as you have pretty much said you are open to exploring that. He has nothing to lose and so a guy is more likely to be willing to try being bf/gf for a while. A guy who likes to spoil a gal, gets snapped up quite quickly by a female who can spot in him, this and other wonderful qualities. It would hurt worse to lose him this way just because you were too afraid to say something. If you don't like any of my suggestions, and have other things you might be willing to ask or say, you can always run them past me to see what I think of them. Good luck hon.

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Will anal sex disvirgin a Female

this is a popular question. I see it over and over and will say the same thing I always say. I can't tell you yes or no because it is a matter of how you view your coming out as a sexual creature and any and all types of sexual experiences thereafter.

This starts when your hormones at puberty begin changing you into a sexual creature. Virgin is just a word as said. In an example for the word 'virgin' in dictionaries, sometimes the example of putting virgin forest in a phrase is used, because the definition of 'virgin' means untouched by humans. So in effect that would mean, any touching of a sexual sort from a partner would be considered that you are no longer 'virgin' territory that has never experienced something sexual with another person.
Intercourse, or 'penis in vagina' sex is the original interpretation of the word. HOwever, in todays time, that word no longer fits in our vocabulary. Why? Let me ask a question so you will have your answer. Can you figure out at what point two gay people, whether female or male in gender, are no longer a virgin? If they have never been with a hetero person, and there are two vaginas or two penis's, there is no way to lose virginity according to the old style meaning. If a gay couple were together a life time, does it mean that in their retirment years, they can say that they both are still viirgins, even if they did everything else under the sun that is sexual in nature with each other? That scenerio blows the meaning of virgin that our society uses, right out of the water. So with anal sex, it would mean, the female has experience sex of a sort with a partner. The only difference is that it takes penis in vagina, or near vagina to get pregnant if the conditions are right.

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My best friend (ella) and i have been best friends since 2p13 ( we were 13) and we now 17. She finished school two years early and came to visit my school for a week last week. She became friends with a girl in my friendship group mia. mia told ella that we leave her out at school but we dont and now mia and her have become really close and talk on the phone constantly. It feels like ella is becominf closer to mia than me and it sucks. The worst is mia isnt even who she says she is. Shes changed all her opinions since when ella came to visit and trys to suck up to ella. I dont know what to do. I really dont want to lose ella as my best friend.

I am launching off of what Dr D said. The possibility he mentioned is a pretty good one. Heres why I believe so. Ella is your age, 17, graduated early. No matter if she went straight off to college or into the work force, It is very likely that she is surrounded by people older than her and may be starving for some friendships of her own age.
From a one time visit, Ella may not really have had a chance to get to know Mia very well. She has no way to know if Mia was on the level or not. Mia may be attention seeking. If so, it doesn't bode well for friendship with you lasting or even new friendship with Ella lasting. Wanting to be the center of attention all the time, or even if it was just to be devious for the fun of it, this kind of behavior will eventually be seen for what it is by Ella and she may decide to not associate with Mia anymore. However if she does, stuff like this, we get better at figuring out as we go through our 20s. So I don't think you are losing Ella either. If Ella remains friends with Mia, you may not be able to get together all 3 of you or more, you may need to make dates with Ella, just you and her.
It would not be a good idea to share anything about Mia with Ella. I know you may want to spare her getting hurt but most of us learn better by experiencing things for ourselves.

I hear many young people who are graduating HS, who worry about their friendships, feeling they may lose friends or friendships change. This is a very big possibility because the rate at which we grow and mature is so great from childhood to pre teen to teen to college age and those who are friends during this time period find their lives change greatly. New schools, relocating, a change of ones morals and beliefs and hobbies, having a family of your own, etc...

I have a friend from 5th grade. We stay in touch on FB. She is in another state. Moved in middle school. We have gone different ways, our beliefs have changed, and I may not have much in common any more but we are still friends because of our history together. we can't spend time hanging out like we did when young cus we have our own families and jobs and responsibilities. So even if a friend of yours lived close by after HS, things can fill their schedule so they don't have time to hange out but it doesn't mean they are getting rid of you or replacing you. If you find in life that it is not just this situation but others where you don't feel of value to others, it just may be that your self esteem and self confidence need to get better. I still didn't find out that kind of stuff in part til into my 20s but during my 30s, I really gained self confidence and can say that it makes a big difference in how I view my world and where I fit in it. Wishing you the best dear.

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I'm 13 years old and I'm pregnant. I don't know what to do. Please help.

Hi Hon. You must be terrified. I would be too if this had happened to me. But what I do know is that you need 2 things right now:
1. You need support of adults, both your family, extended family and experts on counseling pregnant teens.
2. I can't tell you if the general rules of choices available to older teen girls will also apply at age 13 , so if carrying a baby to term is physically not a good idea as it poses health problems for you, then you may be advised towards abortion. But this is info you will need to collect among other stuff.

Do not wait to reach out and ask for help. You can only hide the fact that your middle is growing, for only a certain amount of time, eventually the parents will find out that way. However I don't recommend putting this off, no matter how much you fear their response, but if for some reason you do successfully carry the baby, after a certain amount of weeks pregnant, they may not do an abortion any more, considering you too far along for that option. So don't limit any crucial options by not saying anything.

Will your parents be angry? Of course they will. And they will be angry partly that you didn't make a good decision but parents get over that kind of stuff, how many times growing up do kids make bad decisions.
What will frustrate your parents most is knowing that their daughter can no longer go back to before being pregnant, that this will change your life and experiences, whether you keep, give up for adoption or get abortion. They will be actually doing a version of grieving, like people do when there are other losses such as a loss of loved one thru death, loss of a good job, etc... and there are many parts to grieving include anger, self blame, blaming others, crying, etc...
So don't expect the parents to be totally calm and cool. So if you want a buffer between you and the parents, it may be best to confess to a relative you are close to and trust to be fair and help you. Perhaps there is an aunt or a grandma. It would be wonderful if they are local enough to be there in person with you, however this can be done by phone calls too. The relatives may be a bit upset at the news too. But I know from being a mom and an aunt, that things that are happening to my niece or nephew don't emotional draw as much reaction as if it were my own child. It doesn't mean I don't love them, but that "mothers connection to you from birth" is a special one and Mom will always worry or react more regarding something with her own kids than close relatives. No relatives? Then think of a friend whose Mom is like another Mom to you and ask her to help you confront the parents. If you have a church pastor, you might call the office and ask to speak to the pastor, but may be more comfortable speaking to his wife, or any other female in a position in church who can alert the pastor to talk to your family. I know this is all scary.

I don't blame you for becoming pregnant dear. I happen to know that scientifically, the pre-frontal cortex of the brain is the last thing in teens to finish becoming fully mature. It won't be until mid 20s as all scientists have agreed. This portion of the brain is responsible for good decision making and ability to see possible consequences down the road. It is not mature enough to help a teen make the best decision. This is why even until your mid to late 20's, it is still a good idea to use certain adults you trust as a sounding board, telling them of your plans, asking if they think its a good idea. And if not, learn of other options. So without your "decision-maker" being fully formed and complete, you can't help but make bad decisions until you get older.
I don't know how open minded your parents are but I understood this fact and did some preventive talks with all my daughters. When they entered middle school already, I was letting them know what my wishes were for them and why but I was not rigid that it had to happen. I asked them to watch the other girls who always have a boyfriend and are always breaking up, and how that affects their grades because they are too depressed to do well in school now. I asked them to try to just have boys as male friends in HS and not date until they graduated. I also told them that although these are my wishes and rules, I do know that things can happen, they may meet a guy they really want to be friends with and all they had to do was invite him to come to our house when parents are home and her room door stays open, this way, she could still enjoy a bf but remain safe. I told daughters that if they got to a point of wanting to have sex with a guy and knew the draw was too strong and they didn't think they would be able to resist doing so, then to come to me so i could get her on birth control, and if the worst happened and she did become pregnant, she needed to let me know as soon as she did because I was concerned about her health and safety and teen pregnancies can have complications so I wanted her to be in a Drs care and have good check ups and for us to all decide what best options are and honor her wishes and make the adjustments. Very few parents even think to have a preventive plan in place. It wasn't needed though because each one saw the drama of dating in HS and chose not to until they graduated. I gave you the example of my attitude because you may want to talk first to the person you feel can handle this objectively and without a bunch of blame which right now doesnt fix the situation and only makes you feel worse. YOu can always tell the school nurse or school counselor and ask for their help.
But I believe your family should also know, this will affect them and since you are still a minor and they are responsible for your care, it still falls to them to take care of you. Not only will your life not ever be the same, but the same goes for them. There are movies of parents kicking their pregnant teen out of the house. But in my 58 years, I have only once known of a girl who was referred to our job for a family to take her in who volunteered, because her family had reacted badly and kicked her out. There are provisions for teens who do find this extreme becoming their situation and agencies who will help with all your needs.

Here is an article with teen pregnancy hotlines. I highly suggest you call these numbers and start asking questions, share what your fears are and find out how professional can answer that and also check out the teen line to talk to other teens about their experiences. You may learn quite a lot of what to possibly expect, the good parts and the bad parts. So heres the link. Hope this all helps dear.
http://www.livestrong.com/article/1003381-hotline-numbers-teens-pregnancy/

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So long story short I live in an apartment that I pay for through my college and I paid 2k for summer housing and was told I wouldn't have any roommates.

I was really excited because I've been living with my current roommate for a year and until about 3 months ago we got along fine, but then she started becoming more and more irritating. She would constantly invite friends over until 3am in the morning, was having her boyfriend live in her room (and trying to pretend he wasn't), was becoming a huge slob completely wrecking the kitchen to the point it was so gross I didn't want to step foot in there, got in an argument with my dad twice when he visited (which was only twice), and invites her ENTIRE family to stay in the apartment without my permission.

Obviously I feel very uncomfortable with her now and I was really looking forward to her being gone and having a place to myself for 3 months (I'll be getting new roommates in August). Well summer started two weeks ago and she's STILL HERE and I'm very aggravated.

She was supposed to be gone by latest last Friday. Last night I walked into the living room and her family was sleeping on the floor, which made me angry.

I feel like I cant go to the kitchen or even leave my room so I keep having to eat out when I just bought groceries to avoid running into her or her family.

I want her OUT! She has all her stuff all over the living room like she's planning on leaving, but she doesn't. I feel like she just plans on staying until the school finds out and kicks her out.

However, I also don't want to make a scene if she managed to get late stay and I just wasn't informed since I'm actually moving into a new apartment in 4 days.


Should I just wait it out or should I ask her when she's leaving?

First of all, it was wrong for your dad to give her family permission to stay. The second mistake was your going along with it without going to student housing and reporting this. From apartments I have rented, only the people on the lease are able to live there and responsible to pay. You did not mention if roommate was there unofficially or if she is on lease. If she is on the lease and was supposed to leave by a certain date, you can also complain to authorities about that. I assume she pays to stay there. If she doesn't, she had no legal right to continue to stay. Check with student housing. You may have to give another week deadline and if they are not out the next step would be calling police to have them all removed including her.

I would think that back at the time she was consistantly staying up til 3 AM. I know that police can be called if neighbors hear too loud a noise at the wee hours of the day. Not sure it works for a roommate but it would've been wiser to also share that complaint with student housing. When someone is being a problem in your life, especially in serious situations, you want some kind of track record of their behavior and your complaints. Since you are going to a new apt in a couple days, You won't have to worry about this anymore. Although if she is breaking a rule by allowing her family to stay in her apt. and you have knowledge of this and didn't say anything, once found out, it could affect and jeopardize the apt you have to yourself if they want to be sticklers and say that you should have reported that. And since you didn't, that they don't trust you now either. When ever someone else is doing something wrong, its best not to choose action or inaction that will make you look as if you were in on it, agreed and was okay with breaking the rules. I understand there is a grace period for having visitors to come stay with you for whatever is deemed reasonable. But if they have actually moved in to live, and its not a stay during a vacation, then it is likely not okay. Any special 'housing' usually has those rules. When I left my husband, I needed a place to stay until I could set in motion a place for me to go live and went to stay with a close friend who was disabled and on low income housing. Can't remember the time limit but I remember it being a few days to a week at most or she could be in danger of losing her place for letting anyone start shacking up there with her. So just make sure that you are ok, on the level and blame free with student housing cus you don't want to wait until they discover it if you haven't said something first. I know many of us don't like to be labeled a 'Squealer' or a Narc but if anothers actions are going to possibly affect your good name, then that takes priority and you are not exposing roommate and family just for fun and to be mean. But doing so to protect yourself in case this could possibly come back at you and bite you later, is a very important thing.
Wishing you good times at your new location.

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Hiya!
well said Mrs.Dragonflymagic. Thank you for the advice(I dont know if I am allowed to do this, but I wanted to tell you thank). It was a mighty fine of you to help me. Also! an actual question. I keep seeing this word "ratings". I dont know what if that is like a five stars or something but I wanna give it to you. I'll give you the highest score there is. Because you went above and beyond what I wanted! You even gave me good directions for aid on the site. Thank you again. But I'd like to know how to give you five stars.
-Dr.D

Thank you for 5 star rating. But as to telling you how to find where to rate, I have never written on here asking for advice so I have not seen the page where an advicegivers reply is found. I assume there is a place on same page or link to where people can rate from there. I do know that advice givers often anonymously post questions here and are able to rate the answers they got so I know its okay to rate another advice giver.

I pay more attention to peoples comments back to know how I am doing. The same comment can get me a rating of 3,4 or 5 depending on who is rating me. If the person is a teen or younger and angry at the whole world, then they not only tend to rate low to All the advice givers but often if they don't like the unanimous answers from all who did reply, they will simply post their question again waiting for someone to agree with them. Once a person rated me and about 3 other advice-givers all with a " 1". Danger nerd saw that and realized it wasn't fair and upped everyone's ratings.

Five of course is the highest. Not everyone you help will reply or rate so the ratings are only from those who do choose to say something.

I do know that depending on how often you answer but don't remember if ratings are counted too, Danger nerd sometimes picks advice givers to have more privileges. One is rating the questions that are posted and I can see with question info that has been put in a profile, just age, sex and a link to previous answers. This is what has helped whenever I was seeing a question that looked similar to one I remembered from a couple weeks ago. A handful of times, I have used this link and seen something crazy like 3 previous exact same questions. So I refer the dates of those answers to the questioner in the response and ask them to go back and look at those dates for answers.
Happy writing!

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Hiya! Nice to meet you! I am Dr.D :-D
I read what you said, to the women with the cheating problem. And I read it very carefully. Not because of the issue. But I got to learn a little about you. But what I highlighted out of the content was what you said about me. Specifically saying:
"Both Adviceman and I are older so we have life experience. I do not know about DrD as that person I haven't seen before."

And your totally right! I am brand new. And I feel that I am ready to help people :D
But I am getting off subject. I read your advice and I go: "Hey... thats pretty smart!" And you really are! But since I am new, wondering if I could get tips. Learn how this website works. I've had it only for a... maybe a little over a week?
And I dont wanna make no enemies on here! No way! I just wanna help people! But I also wanna work with people.
With Kindness. :-)
-Dr.D

Some time back, the creator of this site, Dangernerd asked if we had suggestions for improvements. I haven't seen any of those. So I can say right now that when a person who wrote you is leaving another message for you in 'comments' where they also rate you from 1-5, and they have a second question, there is no way to respond to them from there. So I have learned to mention that if they have any need to ask more questions or ask for help, they need to go to my column and contact me from that contact button. We were hoping to see a way to have him change that to make it easier to respond so be sure to mention this to any you think may try to respond back to you.

Next I would say to keep in mind we are not just getting questions from countries that speak mainly English but from foreign speaking countries and some are a dead give away due to the subject such as advice about the custom of parents deciding who you marry. I know that often people make typing errors or if from a phone, it guesses the wrong word to put in. Then i know a few basic text short cuts but have to go with what makes most sense and ask if that is what they meant as they were not clear on that. And then I mention if I am giving advice based on the right situation or for them to let me know so I can better address their question. Sometimes, I can guess pretty well what is going on.
I have set what 3 subjects I like most to answer. Wish I could put on a 4th which would be a religious spiritual matters. However since those types of questions don't come up as often, i simply respond to them when posted for all. The greatest compliment to me is not the ratings I get but the fact that a person who got my advice last time has been helped and liked my style of advice giving so they are writing to me specifically instead of the group.

I think it's a good policy to not tell a person what you believe but present them with another viewpoint, information based on scientific facts or examples by stories of your life or of a person you don't identify. Unfortunately, I feel this should also include whatever advice another advice giver has given. I may be alarmed at how they answered, if I personally find something there the questioner could take offense at, I will write them too and do a preventative damage control, LOL or if I see an answer that covered only one possibility of a solution, I will let the reader know I agree with what so and so said but I believe there are a couple other options that are also good and I go into detail. If an answer is true and to the point, depending on what the question is, I will also write and say that in case they need to know why the previous advicegiver gave that answer, here is why and I try to cover every possible piece of info that could help them make the best decision. If I disagree with what another advicegiver said, I have to remember that is a very good possibility as Dangernerd who originally created the spot to answer only technical qusetions on pcs and cells, etc. he got questions about love life, sex and so on. So that is what prompted him to open Advicenators for others to have their own column. So there are warning that no one on here is a professional and we can't be held responsible for any advice given therefore, since this is just asking another average person for advice. Everyone is going to answer differently depending on their personal experiences, their beliefs, their viewpoints on world matters, etc.

I have found that it is very easy to offend a person when answering them. Read your answer and decide if anything there was written by someone to you, would you jump to the conclusion that they were insinuating you were stupid, immature, etc. Thanks by the way for the compliment. Thats a good thing. I try to complement as many people as I can. If they provide lots of necessary info. I thank them for being very thorough in what they shared. If they sound intelligent for their age, or their attempt at writing in English is better than most, I will let them know. HOwever, you don't want to say only the things you think they want to hear or read. I can tell when someone is writing to see if we will side with them when a parent they feel is unreasonable. I would then draw on my parenting skills or a person can share helpful stores of their own parents and let them understand how a parent things and why a parent may have said or done a certain thing. I always try to push people gently towards talking things out with others. I love the ones who write and ask, what did my bf mean by that? I don't know your bf from Adam, I am not a mind reader so I can not knowing what he was thinking or what his thoughts when spoken meant. I want to just answer shortly and say Just ask him!

But what helps me alot is to use that "put yourself in someone elses shoes." To understand why they might be needing advice. That helps me to remain understanding but also give them answers to a question they didn't ask. I let them know that due to their story, there's enough info for me to realize that there is another question equally important they need to be aware of that impacts them and here is that question and answer.
Sometimes the question is at least to me so stupid, you wonder how a person could not know that. Unfortunately in todays world, kids are not using the internet for anything but entertainment, a part of which is texts to and from friends. For some reason, perhaps that all they have are cells with internet but no bigger computer, they choose not to go on line looking for answers and self teaching. I save my favorite sites and share these with people if they pertain. For others, who have specific questions on a medicine or birth control or something else, I look up at term online to find out about it if I don't know. So at least I can send them a link to a site that answers the question better than I could and cutting off a lot of typing time. Sometimes based on the question and info maybe one gains mostly from life experience where I feel the young person may not believe and reject an answer, and the person before my answered pretty much exactly as I would have, I let them know so they don't assume its just some old fogey's advice. I mention that I agree whole-hearted with (name of advicegiver) and just wanted to let them know that in this case it is not a personal viewpoint but actual fact of human behavior or whatever the topic was.

When I feel I need to correct a persons viewpoint or belief in their question, I always use myself as an example such as mentioning that at 20 when I married I thought I was very mature and making a good decision. I have found in looking back that I have learned more along the road of hard knocks meaning having experienced all the hurts and pains and trials on my own. Even if a story I share has to be changed a bit to get my story across, maybe only a part of it was true for me, I still share it as my own story because what I learned to cover the basic points of each question they have and I model it to resemble their situation so they can see the connection easier, but if I have no story to share to compare, I tell them it is the story of a friend or a family member to share again the information i need that perhaps they don't have all the answers yet and lead them to understanding why what I am asking them to do is so important.

In the past, we sometimes get a person who writes the same question over and over changing only one little piece of their question but the rest being exactly word for word. If the piece of new info is helpful and changes my answer, I will let them know I answered a question exactly like theirs a month ago (I go look back at my answers a couple months sometimes to verify the date of their question and then repost my previous answer which is the same, as is. Or if new info changes some of it, I make sure they realize how my answer changed.

However, sometimes if you keep seeing a person repeat a story asking for help and you see that each time they write they have gotten more answers from several advicegivers, but keep writing in once a week or something often, that person may be an attention seeker who gets a personal thrill of making up a story for fun just to see what kind of responses they will get. ONe such thing is the past, involved a male college student who had a crush on a female teacher who was engaged and he wanted advice on how to convince her to love him instead and was stalking her from his telling of what he had already done, wondering what was wrong. In this case, you might go to Moderator tools and post your concerns in Moderator discussions which others sometimes check but I believe dangernerd will look at. Usually he may have already seen the connection in all questions and be able to share that hes seen it and if he believes it to be a critical enough issue, he will contact police and give the questioners IP address as a way to track them down. SO if you ever have questions about how to answer a certain question or are suspicious of something, then post it on there. Danger nerd does scan and read different advice givers responses from time to time as the one time I had the "O" key broken on my computer and was using the zero instead. He wrote to let me know that the system looks for too many misspelled words as meaning something like you are not a human but a computer generated response and will drop my answers from showing, if I remember that right. As soon as I heard that, we shopped for a 2nd hand separate key board to plug in to use until we could afford to get it fixed. So he's friendly and helpful, you can write to him with any questions or issues you are having.

These are some of the situations that come up and how I would handle it. I am sure that lacking knowledge of how some of younger people talk these days that my answers may not make as clear sense tho them. So anyone on here is needed no matter how different in age or experience. We get new advicegivers who don't have the time to answer often and then theres those who try to answer a good majority of all questions that come in. We are of all ages and races, vocations, and with differing life experiences and beliefs and that is all needed. After all, we are only advice givers, not supposed to be problem solvers. People need to make their own conclusions on their best choice based on all the viewpoinsts and going with what they are most comfortable doing. Good luck and if you have a specific question for me when a situation comes up, let me know. But if its something technical or site problems or not understanding how something works on here, just ask dangernerd.

These are some of the ways I do things on here.

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I've been working under my mom for a year now (in a different office) as I'm in college and it's hard to find jobs that will work with my class schedule. The job pays decently and it's with a bigger company (my mom just works there) so it looks good on my resume.

My main issues with the job are that they send paychecks a week late sometimes when they can't cut the check by Friday and that's left me in a bad position before with bills, and that my mom can be unreasonable at times and will call me on her personal phone to scream at and insult me when she thinks I've done something wrong.

This usually isn't an actual error, but a miscommunication. For example the most recent time she sent me something that said it was due on the following Monday on a Wednesday and then the next day she called me screaming at the top of her lungs about how much of an idiot I was and how I have no work ethic and I screwed her over by not getting it in overnight. She even hung up on me when I tried to explain to her why I didn't do it immediately. Whenever I try to reason with her she screams for me to shut up and tells me I'm just fighting with her.

Obviously this strains my relationship with her to the point I don't want to speak to her AT ALL. I had plans originally to visit her for mother's day and had already bought her gift, but now I don't want any kind of communication with her.


Anyways, I refuse to take this kind of abuse so I found another job that makes more money. I don't know how stable this new job is, but so far it's been working out pretty well.

I actually plan to find another job too so I can have a back up (this one is PT).

There's really no reason for me to work for her anymore, but I know if I tell her that I found something else she's going to blow up and call me ungrateful and tell everybody in my family how horrible she thinks I am for quitting working for her.

Help what do I do?

I've tried to tell her before I can't deal with her screaming at me and she blames me and says it's my fault that she has to scream or else I don't listen.

Your Mom is actually being verbally abuse. If an abuser is unwilling to see that they have a problem and be willing to go for treatment, abuse is one of the reasons couples get divorced. A divorce can't change your past, but it can change your future. (I know about this subject from living almost 30 yrs with a verbally abusive husband before I left him.) I use the analogy of that situation to compare to yours. Mom is family, like the abusive husband.

My ex would yell at me, tear me down in front of others. A level headed mature person if having a griveance would discuss it in private, but fairly. No accusing or raising of voice.) This is what your Mother is doing.

The ex would accuse and point the finger at me in front of others. This is a tactic some mentally ill people will do because instinctively, and subconsciously, they realize that something is not quite right with them. But wanting to be superior/better than anyone else, or not wanting you to look too cloeely at them and see a flaw in them, this is a precautionary move to distract others from investigating him, and looking at you instead. I know this piece because at the end of marriage when a friend convinced the ex to go for help, the Dr. spoke to me and explained that when I asked in a private chat.
Lastly, the comparison I want you to get, is how a woman will leave her abuser and get a divorce. So what if its not a husband but a Mom? I believe the only thing that might get through to her after she has calmed down with the makes you make, only then is there a chance that she will be willing to listen to you and promise to honor your boundaries. In a divorce, the two no longer associate together in most circumstances. They don't see each other in person and they don't call all the time, even if they split under amiable terms.

I think you may have to set in plan a decision for her to make to either remain in your life at this point in time, or she can decide not to honor your boundaries and by that having in effect chosen to live with the consequence of having no contact with you. So there must be ultimatums given and also the willingness on yout part to follow through on them.

So I wouldn't tell your Mother why I quit. Go to your HR dept. and you might also let them know to not tell your Mother as you want to have that news to share. I assume by how you wrote that you dont live with Mom and that is good. However if you do, this won't work well or at all if you are still living in the house.
So the next time your Mom yells at you for anything at all. Talk firmly, loudly but slowly and talk over her if she won't allow you to talk. You tell her that you've been an adult for some time now and so it is high time you took control over your life and make any needed changes with your best interests in mind. Let her know you hate to have to give her an ultimatum but since she hasn't honored your past wishes that she stop treating you like (and describe in detail what you don't like) you are giving her one last chance. the deal is that she treat you with respect and not yell or accuse. She may air grievances in a subdued voice but thats all. If you deem the words she is speaking to be hateful, downgrading, or humiliating, that you will be forced to change your phone number so she can no longer call you and you will no longer meet with her anywhere in person. If she has a key to your place, get it back or change the locks. These are the same things a woman has to do so a stalker can't find her, change phone, change locks, maybe switch to a place with security to get in building. If she can treat you as you have just stated, then you will remain in her life. Let her know that this isn't final as she is still your Mom. So she will have access only to sending you emails. And the specific one you need to see is her apologizing for the past and asking you to give her another chance to treat you better and improve herself as a person. Or something like the above in your own words to her. Then you can arrange to meet and give her a chance to speak some nice time, somewhere in public where you can have witnesses in case she gets nasty and tries to harm you out of anger at not liking the fact you had the balls to put your ultimatum into effect. If Mom screws up again, then your next ultimatum is the same as before with the only difference being that the next email you get better be with contact info for her Counselor or her counselor contacting you so you can meet in their office, don't allow a situation where she can make a friend lie and pose and her counselor. You want a bonafide counselor working with your Mom and you would like to able to ask if he could do some Mother Daughter relationship counseling. The Dr. can't share her personal info with you unless you are seeing the Dr too along with your Mom, as a unit. If she needs a reminder and can't remember what you required regarding a counselor and writes about that, give her the ultimatum again. If she knows that she can't ever see you again unless she now goes for counseling, she may stubbornly resist the rest of her life, or she may turn around and pull into line with her behavior. Its a terrible thing for adult children to have to resort to these measures but instinctively, an abusive parent knows this, and will try to play with your emotions making you begin to feel guilty as if you as the one at fault. To get you to weaken and not follow through on any threats because you feel that this is not a way to honor ones parent. Caving in would be an act that is enabling her to continue to remain stuck where she is, because there is no rules or structure for her to follow, nothing to compell her to take you Seriously and decide to honor your wishes or not. If you have no success being able to get your message to her in person, then resort to mailing her your ultimatums.


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Well, sorry it's bit long but straight to point, he says he trusts me and I reckon, he's been chatting about me with his friends because when i saw his few friends in town they said, (mentioned his name) he says you're kind and he loves you, we mean, he loves your personality, I looked at them and we all just smiled. However, we hardly text unless we have to but when I text him saying hi or hello, he don't seem to be into it, he does reply though. When we see each other we're like non stop chatterbox and joking with flirty comments. I ain't got a clue with this boy. I absolutely wish to confront him but not sure enough. Anyways, we've known each other for quite a while now. Good friends. Right guys, so him saying he trusts me and his friends saying he loves me, means anything or nothing at all?? Do guys talk to their friends when they are into girls and are the girls has to be trustworthy?? Thankyou. Terribly sorry it's really long.

Guys don't confess feelings easily like girls do. What his friends likely picked up is from watching him, his reaction to you being mentioned, his eyes following you or even talking about you, but not feelings. Why? Cus a guy wants to avoid being ridiculed by his pals. Have no idea of the age but I am guessing teen years but the content. See, I have never heeard of older mature men going to a woman and telling her that so and so talks about them all the time and seems to really like her. Nope, that is something that school age boys and girls do.
Don't worry about him not liking to use text or answer you there. I had a dating profile and men 45 and over would write asking for my phone number cus they don't like typing or texting.
Since he loves to chat in person, he is interested in you as a friend at least. Guys dont talk to girls they dont like in some way

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This guy that I have been friends with for 5 years broke up with his gf a few months back. During that time, he always texted me, always talked to me, etc. He was going through emotional trauma.

Everything was fine up until I started liking him. I didn't tell him though because I knew it wasn't the right time. Conveniently, I started liking him the day him and his gf got back together -_-

He found out that I liked him, and immediately told his gf. This was bad because she's the possessive type. After that, there was a shit load of drama between me and him, me and his gf, and all 3 of us in general.

3 weeks ago, I started ignoring the guy. I did this because my feelings for him grew and I didn't know how to get rid of them, so I avoided him in attempt to avoid it all.

I felt bad a week later, so I texted him because sincerely honest about everything. I told him that my feelings for him grew and that I want to rebuild our friendship to make it stronger (because we were having slight friendship problems.)

He texted back the next day, "Hey look, my gf is getting mad you're saying this all to me." I replied with "I'm sorry?" because I really did not think he'd respond that way.

He then said, "You need to stop saying that you like me because I'm dating another girl and it's sorta inappropriate. I don't like you like that."

I was really triggered. I said he misinterpreted my text, and I told him that I just want to be better friends with him. He said, "Well I'm sorry, but I don't think we can be as good of friends as we were before." I asked, "Why not?" and he never responded.

He's friends with one of my close friends, and he told her he will not be my friend anymore and just avoid me.

It has been 2 weeks. I'm very sad. I miss him, but at the same time, I don't want to resolve things with someone who doesn't want to resolve them with me.

What should I do? :(

The simple answer to what you should do is: Nothing The problems you are having are the usual ones for young people, specifically any younger than about 25. Some people mature faster and don't do this kind of bickering, or act all possessive, and take things too personally and say hateful things to one another. Although, no matter if you are over 25, there are older adults who never matured either. It's a big problem these days. So if you want to avoid this kind of drama, avoid and don't spend time with the types of people who react this way to you, or treat you this way. In effect, stay away and do nothing. I know it doesn't sound like much help. But as i said, there are some young people who are much more mature than the average. The trick is to finding them. I wish you the best dear.

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So usually i am on this site, to give my advice. I come to my fellow website friends to ask a question in hopes to find a answer that will finally bring my brain some ease. So to make this story brief as possible, i have been seeing a gentleman for about 8 months now. It started as a friendship. Spending endless hours talking and exploring life in ways that we both agreed we have never been able to do with another human being before.He is a deep, emotional type person. He prays to the universe and loves the rain. He is the type of person i have been looking for my entire life. After about 3 months of me and my "friend" being able to escape these moments that would happen, we finally kissed. The type of kiss that i never thought actually possible. The goosebumps giving type. After this we spent many days together, from the moment we were off work until crazy hours in the am. He got me back into writing, and taught me to play guitar. We would watch every documentary we could find. I feel like every person i have loved before now, i am completely over. Because the way i feel for him is absolutely a feeling i have never had. Now for the twist of the story.
He is Married.
With three children.
Most of our talks in the first months, were about how he was stuck in his relationship and how he was very unhappy. But he choose to stay with her for the kids. He would actually say "i feel like life is longer for me, but to just please the people around me".
He works away from home, he spends monday-friday here and goes home for weekends.
I guess my question is, how come he has not left his wife yet if he was so unhappy. Do you think i am getting played? He says to me often that its just very hard for him to just leave because he has so much invested, and he is so scared that his kids will think less of him. In which i have been telling him, take your time to do things right. I made him promise to me that if he leaves him wife, he has to do it 100 percent because its best for him. And i should be absolutely not a part of that decision.
Do you think i am still a very horrible person? Because i get in this mood, when i start to really think about it, and i feel like the worse person to ever set foot on this earth. But most of the other time, it was his choice. And now i am deeply in love with him and i cant imagine my life without him, but what do i do now. He says every weekend he leaves basically, that this may be the weekend everything happens. But it still hasnt. Please give me some insight on what i am to do.

I don't try to tell someone what to do unless based on my own experiences and lots of info. it sounds exactly like something I've lived through and can honestly tell you what I believe the right decision is. Both Adviceman and I are older so we have life experience. I do not know about DrD as that person I haven't seen before. I have 2 different scenerios.

I fell in love after a divorce. The man was in love with me, I can tell by how he treated me and it all was so perfect as the guy you describe. He was separated and at some point, his wife comes to him saying she wants to make the marriage work and get back together. He loved her but left due to quite a lot of her emotional problems that after decades of marriage and adult kids, she had never addressed or wanted to get over. so here he was in love with 2 women. Loving more than one is actually not a crime. It isn't in vogue these days as being monogamous is, but there are people who are polyamorous, meaning having more than one love and it is not a secret but each partner knows who their mates other love interests are and are okay with it. If he and his wife were poly, and he wanted to add you as one of his loves, and you were open to that, then you'd all be one bigger happy family.
My next story, being that I was on a dating site, is that I always met a guy who sounded promising online in a public place like a coffee shop or restaurant where I paid my way. This was not a date. The guy I was meeting in this story presented himself as single on line. He enjoyed talking to me during dinner and saw that I was truly open honest and sweet as he said and so in the parking lot after, he felt guilty about his secret, he was married, kids grown. SO he confessed that to me. He confessed that he called me as I said I did not mind poly. He was hoping for two special ladies in his life. The only problem with his wife was that she no longer was interested in sex. But in everything else, she was still his best friend. He was still in love with her and could not under any circumstance see himself leaving her. All he wanted was sex on the side and that was way he thought poly was a good idea. So I explained to him that for poly to work successfully, his wife if she was open to this idea, would be okay with him having me just on the side for sex, since I was okay with that, at least for now, until I came across the man I'd like to do marriage with after my divorce. He told me he could never tell his wife and she'd ask for a divorce and he could not financially afford to support her and himself separately with his income.
You guy is a very unique wonderful man from your description. Sounds quite a lot in character as my 2nd husband. If all he wanted was sex on the side, he would not have waited 3 for just a kiss! I believe his intention going in was platonic, just being lonely due to travel for work and not having anyone to even talk to after work. But as you said, the moments of attraction were there even before the kiss. I believe he tried hard to resist but in the end found himself falling in love with you. I don't know if he went into detail with what the issues are with wife that make him miserable but those might be enlightening to know.
What I do know about relationships is that a firm foundation for a couple relationship is based on 2 things, 1. Being each others best friend and 2. being each others sexual equal. This means having the same libido for one thing. If one is happy with sex 2x a month and the other wants 2 or more times a week, then after some time both will be at odds with one wanting more and the other upset at being harassed for more. Then there's sexual preferences, and how strong the sexual chemistry/pheromones is between you.
It is hard to find a good person let alone one who can be both friend and lover. Most end up with just one, a marriage partner who is only a lover but not a best friend or a best friend but not a lover. Just knowing this and what you have shared, I suspect that if he is truly miserable, it is not because he doesn't have good sex, he may be lacking the best friend camaraderie, time enjoyed just spent together where everything feels more special because that person is there with you. Because it sure sounds like he found that in you. He was probably likely okay with the idea of having one of those foundational relationship things in one woman and getting the other from another. But my guess is that he never believed he might fall in love and feel an actual sexual attraction as a bonus. It is very possible that this man has found someone now in you with whom he can have both of the important relational foundation pieces for a relationship and with the wife has only one. So when you ask why he hasn't left her yet, we need to examine whether he is a player or not. MOst men of less character and fiber would just leave if unhappy, no matter of any commitments or children. So that is not holding him there, commitment to his children. There are many Dads divorced who have great relationships with their kids. Kids are actually quite good with it once they get over the shock of parents not together anymore. The difference for kids is seeing each parent happier on their own or with a new partner and because they love you, they also want you to be happy. I am divorced and remarried and my girls told me I looked much happier after I left their Dad. And they like my new husband too. So that is not a valid excuse. But I can think of something, that morally he was raised and trained to not ever shirk his responsibilities and it is so engrained in him that he can not imagine leaving his family even if he is unhappy.
Here is another piece of human behavior that may help you. When we first apply for a job or meet someone when looking for a relationship, we are on our best behavior whether you consciously think of it or not. We only show what we believe will make the other person want us so either we hold back and don't show our full self or the person doesn't like much of anything about themselves and puts on a total false facade of character. The deal here to discovering who the real person is then, is just a matter of being patient and waiting it out. See, a person presenting a not so true personality of themselves has to put in a lot of personal energy to maintaining it, like when you tell lies and later try to remember who it was you told it to....it is very draining. So no one can keep up a false persona for very long. Some are really good at this and can keep it up for a month or two or so, but in the 8 months you've been together, anything false about the man he has presented himself to be would have slipped away by now due to exhaustion of keeping it up. A person also doens't seem to consciously notice when they are showing their real self in more frequent slip ups until they are back acting their real self. So if he has not changed in all this time, then the man you see is what you get.
So are you getting played? I believe this is where the difference of opinions may center from the two previous advice givers. On one hand, is he is truly being himself, he is a man of commitments and doesn't commit lightly and loves his kids and wants to be there for them. That is good. But his belief that he can't do that if he divorces is what needs to be investigated. This would be a situation of no plan to deceive you since he talked about the relationship from the beginning. He didn't even try to kiss you or press you for sex in the beginning. He may need help with seeing other possible solutions though as he seems to see only one, staying with wife and also keeping you on the side with the only thing keeping him stuck here being perhaps a fear to bring up the subject with wife and a fear of losing his kids forever.

Then again, perhaps his fear is not trusting himself enough. If he committed to a woman once who was not the perfect fit in both relationship requirements, then perhaps he fears he may not be seeing the real thing here and is just not sure with you. Not being totally sure that things could change for the worse could be enough to keep him from leaving her while intentionally hoping to keep you too in his life and this would be the string you along thing, getting played. If it's all about those wonderful exciting feelings at the beginning of any new thing in our lives, that is hard for many too understand let alone realize it exists. Think back to a toy you wanted so badly for Christmas and kept telling the parents and once you got it, it was exciting for the first couple days or weeks or maybe longer, but eventually it became boring, that special excitement about the toy had worn off and it no longer held your interest. You may have even discovered it had limitations you didn't expect. It is the same in relationships. This feeling at first is so much like the feeling of really being in love that we are fooled and get into a relationship. Then when the feeling wears off, the relationship breaks up as the feelings go away and one is left realizing the other person is no where near the perfect fit for you as a partner. He may not be totally aware of this and could be assuming the same will happen with you. But this NRE new relationship energy doesn't last forever, it eventually goes away. For many, its around for a short time only a couple months but doesn't seem to last past a year. More likely from people I have talked to, it seemed to last depending on amount of time spent together. So if only meeting on weekends, that's 4 times a month vs a month of seeing the person every day or so. My opinion is that the average falls around 3 to 6 months before people notice a decrease in the feeling of how the relationship felt in the very beginning.

As for you being a bad person, I don't see it that way. its more of on a sliding scale, there are choices than can be worse and ones that are better. As a soul, and what learning level you are at, if it feels right to get involved with someone even just as a friend, is up to you. If the feelings change into something more, then it is up to you to re-evaluate and decide to break it off or stay. You only want to find the right kind of person for you. The fact is, I married at 20 and didn't know who the right person for me was back then. Most of us don't really know enough in our youth to make the best decision for a marriage partner. That is why there are so many divorces because people continue to mature and grow and even change and eventually realize the person they are married to is not the perfect fit. I see no reason why at that point, a person can not leave their partner and look for someone who is a better fit for them. this page shows your info of being female and aged 20. So if he is married and has kids, not just one, he has to be older than you. Married a while and for him it sounds perfectly normal to now realize he is not with the right person. I am sure you will want children of your own unless you are one who knows at an early age that you do not ever want to feel burdened down by having kids. If he is quite a lot older, he may not want any more kids. This is something to consider when looking for the love of your life. The love of my life was also married before, I think just as many who accidentally find the right person from the start when young is way less than the amount of people who find true love the second time around because they are more mature. You may be very mature for your age dear and must be to be an advisor on here. I felt I was at that age. But maturity aside, I realize looking back that I lacked experience in ways of the world or understanding the intricacies of human behavior especially when it came to intimate relationships. And that's a given due to the age. So even if going into this with your eyes wide open, you may be doing so for all the right reasons but the other person is always going to be the unpredictable ingredient in life. Not just in couple relationships, but in all people you come across and depend on in life. We all have a God given will to choose as we wish. Lots of choices are intentionally destructive ones, but lots are based on not having enough information, or based on assumptions like there is only one way, one choice. Of course there are some people who do study and check out everything they can before making a decision. I do not know but perhaps you are the right person for him, perhaps not. But the fact he is such a wonderful sounding man, I must admit, there aren't many of these around. So I can understand your not wanting to see this end. If his weak character points are being indecisive, afraid of making a big life change, either he will stay stuck there or he may be one of those people who just need to hear a couple more options than the only one he thinks there is. So have a good talk with him and find out what is truly holding him back cus tho the kids are his excuse, that is not a valid one as there are other options, that's not the only one. Ask him some point blank questions. Was his wife his best friend when they met and married, or was she his best lover, or a blend of both. Ask if he sees you as one, the other or both. This information may be revealing enough to let you know what you are dealing with. You need to be honest and let him know what it is you are looking for in a guy. There are things that are deal breakers, meaning if his stance is different than yours, a relationship will not work no matter how many good things there are about him. Then there are things you'd like to have in a guy which are liking icing on the cake, very nice but not necessary. Example, I like long hair in a guy but would have been happy if the right man shaved his head all the time. Be sure what are the deal breakers for you and let him know what they are. So if you need to be the only woman in his life, and you want to have kids, those become deal breakers if he can't make the changes to be in total agreement. He has of course options with the kids, duel custody and perhaps him getting the kids on weekends, older enough ones are in school during the day so the main custody parent will have them most the time and schooling is part of that. The other parents gets them for odd evenings and some weekends. It isn't the same, no...but what is better for the kids is to grow up witnessing two adults in their life who truly love each other. If the two don't or fight, the kids will know. One child watched whenever we kissed, and at age 3 saw two candles leaning in the taper candle holders, crossing against each other. SHe exclaimed, Look Mommy, the candles are kissing. This is good, this a healthy and helps a child when they come of age to have a better idea of what a healthy relationship is. The ones portrayed on Tv are too unreal or perfect or just plain wacky. Where else will they learn. I stayed too long with my ex and my daughters suffered for it. Two of 3 have troubles with relationships because of it. His kids are better off even if Mom stays single but they see a healthy happy relationship with whomever their Dad remarries to. Don't spend as much time on the doing activities that take up concentration space so you both are not talking. Talking right now is the most important thing as he is missing information for sure, and you probably are too, due to things he may not yet have revealed, things that might help you make a decision. I feel for you. If he won't budge, you have to choose him in just this configuration or let him go. And that would be a big world of hurt and pain. But keep this in mind, over the years of settling for more of the same, its inevitable to feel discontent and pain at being left out when he spends time with his family on weekends when you want all 7 days a week with him. You may be ok wiwth it now but if you had to let go of your ideal for a man and the situation, and settle for less, then trust me, at some point it will crept up, resentment and pain and this would be pain you have simply from having him still in your life. If it comes to this, you would have pain whether you leave him or stay with him. The only difference is, staying with him is a pain that lasts as long as the relationship, maybe a lifetime of this. But letting someone go, the pain eventually fades over time. Not your memory though. You will still remember him. But in time, the memories instead of bringing you pain, will have no pain attached to them and you can find yourself smiling at any good memories, despite the fact it didn't work out.
If you discover anything new that may shed more light as to why he hasn't asked for a divorce yet or anything else you'd like another viewpoint on, let me know and I'll try to help. My personal opinion is that he doesn't sound like a player due to some of the things you shared, but if he can't make a decision to divorce her and be with you fully, then even if he's not the player type, he is in fact hurting you as if he were a player and that is just as bad and just as good a reason to not associate with him. A man who is truly in love with a woman, as mine is with me, does not like to witness his lady upset or crying and if he finds out shes crying do to something he did, he feels even worse and it compells him to not promise to try to change but actually change and never do that behavior again. If you hurt, he hurts so he would never do things that hurt you if he cared that much. Is 8 months enough time for him to learn to love you that deeply? Yes. Does he love things about you, or is he in love with you. In love is the only one that works in the long run. Thats the one where it hurts him to see you hurting so he does all in his power to change things and make you happy. That I believe is what you want. I just don't know enough to advise you is he does feel that way or not. Good luck dear.

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Well I'm a 22 almost 23 yr old female, and well I met this guy on the dating app Tinder at the beginning of February around valentines day.. he's from the same country as me so we share the same cultural interests..
Ok straight to the point from that moment we clicked on straight away our banter has always been jokes and till this day we still speak everyday, and lately but slowly I've started becoming more and more interested in him. We flirt but we don't make it so obvious,so I start to get the impression that he's into me.. don't get me wrong he seems like a great guy, we only just met up for the first time on Friday which was so out of the blue and it was a first for me because I never meet anyone from Tinder, it was a meet up.. but it felt like a date he paid for everything and we ended up kissing towards the end.

He's the type of guy who's not really 'soft' or romantic, so its so hard to know if he's into me or not, I don't wanna ask or say that I'm into him because I will feel that I'm coming off to desperate. He said that he's been soft with me, caught a soft spot, fair enough but its annoying when the guy you're into isn't the sweet type.. he was affectionate towards the end of the meet up which I loved we hugged etc... and there was a lot of eye connection which was very flirty..

my problem also is the fact that he is the type of guy that loves going out a lot, I don't mind but it kinda makes me uneasy.. because he's very attractive, he goes clubbing whenever its a friends birthday which has been often..
Sometimes the way we speak makes me feel like he wants me, then in the back of my head I feel like he's also speaking the same way with another girl..
I feel like we've had a great connection even before meeting up, but I also don't want to waste my time

I don't know how to feel or what to think , I've started to catch feelings for him...

What do you see in your future relationship wise. Are you looking for a couple of committed long term dating/sex partners for the rest of your life? Are you hoping that you can find the man who becomes your husband and is Daddy material? If you only want some short term activity partners, whether just someone for company to go out places with or just a sex partner or both, you need to know what you want before you can find Mr. Right.When I was your age, I knew little about relationships or reading people and knowing what to expect. I will share some of that knowledge I've gained in life with you in hopes it may be helpful. In case you wonder if an older lady can have a clue here, I am very open minded, with ex went to swing clubs, got a divorce, starting two dating profiles on line. Dating all sorts of guys. But before I did go searching for Mr. Right, I did pray asking God to help bring me a man who would be my sweetheart and really love me. My ex never did love me. He was verbally abusive. I did not want to be afraid to try dating guys again but did not want to find any guys like my ex. Eventually I did meet my next husband on line. We are together now almost 8 years this summer.
So here I paste in a document I have shared before, on how to find Mr. Right. It should eventually help you know what to do about this guy and any future one if that happens.

How to find Mr. Right

I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.

First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isnt afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get, you can live with it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of boyfriend. Then you know that you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.

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There is this guy I like and recently we both found out that we used to like eachother. But here's the thing I just told him that I used to like him because I didn't want to be rejected. I told him over text and he told me he used to like me but doesn't feel ready for a relation ship. Now I'll be soon approaching my junior year in high school and me and this guy used to talk all the time. But ever since winter break ended I just sort of stopped talking/texting him. so around the middle of April 2017 is when I told him I "used" to like him. After he told me that he used to like me I started freaking out, like 'what if he liked me and I just turned him down' or 'what if he finds it awkward now' or 'what if he thinks I'm a bother?'. I'm a girl who over thinks things way too much and that's why I stopped ignoring him. So how would I work my way to talking to him again without being awkward? I just want to have that friendly conception with him back at least. So if someone out there can give some advice that would be very helpful!

Your mind and more specifically, your thoughts are your worst enemy. Yes, you are overthinking this and assuming too much. I'll go thru this all based on your choice of words:
"I just told him that I used to like him because I didn't want to be rejected." (Logically, what you felt in the past does not define what you currently feel. Same as who you were in the past shouldn't be used to define who you are today by other people. Anyone who assumes by this confession that you feel the same now is immature and inexperienced. It is NOT a given, that how you felt back then is how you feel now. There is no way he could even begin to guess what thoughts are spinning around in that hamster wheel in your mind. BTW, guys are just as afraid of being rejected and owning up to the current truth if they like someone. so if both people are afraid to be honest, how do you suppose people ever become couples?)

Second assumption: " he told me he used to like me but doesn't feel ready for a relation ship." Used to like is just a confirmation of the past. It does not mean he likes you that way now, and by 'that way' I mean as bf/gf. This does not mean that he doesn't like you as just a friend right now. All he said was he is not ready for a relationship right now. This does not mean he isn't open to interacting with you as a friend. If you choose to do so, do not make any overtures that feel like you are behaving toward him or treating him like a bf. No demands on his time, no expectations, just enjoy the time he has to give as a friend if he's open to that.)

Possible 3rd assumption if I read it right:
"Now I'll be soon approaching my junior year in high school" I don't see how what year you are in bears any significance to your story unless you are assuming you are running out of time to snag a guy as a boyfriend in HS? Most surely you will find someone, at some point after HS. So i will mention what I told my daughters when they entered HS. YOu will see lots of girls with bfs. But are half those bfs just out for sex and don't really care about those girls. One can't count it as having a bf if he sleeps around with anyone he can convince and there is no commitment, even short term. If you really watched and took notes of who was dating whom and for how long, you'd notice that most relationships don't last long and the girls grades start to suffer if they are depressed after being dumped which happens alot during teen years for a reason. We are still immature and inexperienced in relationships and other than our parents, or TV shows, we have no real true good examples or even classes to leaern the basics of how to get into and behave in a relationship. This is an area you'll have to self teach in and there is a lot of advice on the net. Try you tube videos of dos and don't of dating or relationships for girls/females. Watch plenty as there will be the odd ones that are just stupid and no value at all. You may feel so desperate because the lack of knowledge about how to do relationships scares you. Trying to force yourself into a relationship now without any self taught learning ahead of time, is like going to war without any weapons, you're totally unprepared. And that means all you will become is another teen statistic of too scared to talk and never practicing getting into a relationship let alone how to behave or getting together with a guy and just winging it which means you learn by the school of hard knocks and the more hard knocks there are, the more chance a teen relationship will not survive long.)

"But ever since winter break ended I just sort of stopped talking/texting him." (You never did explain what caused you to stop talking to him. I have no idea what thoughts were prominent in your mind causing you to do that so I can explain away for you.)Same goes for what prompted you to admit you used to like him in April.

"I started freaking out, like 'what if he liked me and I just turned him down" ( Uh, hello? How can a person turn down someone who is not ready for a relationship. A turn down is if he asked you to be his girlfriend and you said no. That is a turn down. This is an assumption again in your mind.

"or 'what if he finds it awkward now" I can assure you that he does not feel awkward now. How can I be so certain? Easy, he is not ready for a relationship. That statement covered him from having to explain anything further. So he never did say whether 1. He still likes you but is not ready right now for a relationship or 2. He used to like you that way but doesn't anymore now keeps that to his self to not hurt your feelings and so he basically let you know that when he is ready to date, he will but there's no way to know if it will be you.)

or 'what if he thinks I'm a bother?' Teens and adults alike will often during life find some person trying to attach themselves to your life, as a friend or more, always in your face, always calling, when you have nothing in common, can't stand them and wish they'd go away. Hubby and I have that going on right now. There is a guy who came up and talked to us 2 years ago and is still hanging around. We do the same anyone does in this situation, we do not encourage the person by calling them or inviting them to something, we do our best to distance ourselves to show disinterest and this guy is one who never got the message. So until we move into another area where this guy doesn't live, he will be a 'bother'. If this guy you speak of feels bothered, he will not admit it. Well, some teens don't understand using tact or with holding info that could hurt another person. Some teens will be hurtful on purpose just to be mean. If he's not like that, he won't say a thing. So you would have to be your own judge. What is a person doing if they are a bother to you? He probably feels the same. Teen angst is alive and well and thinking back to my teen years, its always been this way. Very few teens have a good solid self confidence and self esteem. Of those who seem to have it, a handful do but the rest are all faking it really well. So what you do is look for him trying to distance himself as a friend, not calling you, not responding to your calls or texts, not finding time to invite you to just hang out. This is what teens also do to get rid of a dating partner. They show little interest, hoping the person will get the message and go away.)

"I'm a girl who over thinks things way too much" (this is the first statement of yours I can agree with wholeheartedly. And this is not a good thing by the way, being an overthinker)

that's why I stopped ignoring him ( The definition of the word ignoring is: refuse to take notice of or acknowledge; disregard intentionally. Now you doing that can have very different results depending on who you did it too and how that person feels about you if anything at all. A close friend would be hurt and wondering if they did something to hurt you and come asking why you are ignoring them and if they hurt you. A person who is just an acquaintance, is someone you see often in your daily life, like other students but it doesnt mean they feel any friendship to you at all or at least not yet if friendship is possible and you have enough in common. So you did not say what he was doing over the months that you ignored him. If he tried making contact with you often but you ignored him, then you likely hurt his feelings or at the very most confused him. When a girl is not straightforward, logical and overthinking things, it is too easy to actually unintentionally push a guy away by your actions. If I were him, I would be wondering why you're all over the place emotionally, something guys don' like, this is drama. YOu don't want to be a Drama Queen, they never get the guy. If a guy does check her out, he'll be gone as soon as he has discovered and is tired of the drama. Being indecisive and over thinking and lack of self confidence are the biggest things preventing you from having success in your entire adult life, not to mention in relationships as well. So I would think that is a lot for a teen to work on in improving themselves. Lots of that will come with age and growing up, you will mature. )

So how would I work my way to talking to him again without being awkward? ( I have no idea why you are asking this because you've already done this. Let me take you back to when you stopped talking to him after winter break and didn't speak to him until mid April. Don't you think that was awkward? Hell yes it is awkward, especially if you never explained why you stopped talking to him all that time. So what did you do to start talking again after 2 or more months of ignoring him. What ever it was, do it again and you'll be on talking terms again.)

I just want to have that friendly conception with him back at least.(Friendly connection I assume you meant. There was nothing friendly about your previous treatment or currently not talking cus you are afraid of what he thinks. Is that how your friends treat you? Cus in my books, that is not the behavior of a friend. I understand a friend making a mistake, but a friend would admit their mistake. From my childhood, I had a best friend who lived just up the alley from me. She was a very moody person to begin with. She often got over it quickly but one time a week or more went by with my trying to talk to her and her ignoring me so I figured she needed more time to snap out of her mood. I didn't have many friends but a gal I was on friendly basis with noticed and asked what was up. I didnt know but was lonely so I began to hang out with her. That made my BBF jealous and she started talking to me. NOw that she was talking, I asked if I had done anything wrong. I had not. She admitted that she had been moody and nasty towards me but wanted me back for a friend. I told her she had not lost me, that I had just been waiting for her to come back. That sort of thing never happened again. This was 6th grade. If a 6th grader can admit their wrong doing or faults, then surely you as a HS student can. It is not awkward but is scary thing to do. So how do you get past any fears, just realize that fear will keep taunting you to prevent you from doing what you want. I used to be very socially anxious so I understand the fear to do anything. What I discovered is that once you face your fears and all those what ifs, that fear will just disappear. It means having to take the first step while still scared, and walking up to him and start talking. The best thing you could do is let him know what is going on in your mind. The only people you don't show your weaknesses to is the enemy. He's not your enemy. So let him know you have trouble with overthinking things. Let him know how and why this affected you into deciding not to talk to him for a couple months. The thing you need is to get used to talking easily with males and being understood by them. Males like to help females. So if as your friend you ask for his help, I am sure he can help by being a listening ear, reassuring and supporting you in what you do and all you would have to do is ask if he would help you in overcoming your overthinking. The way this works is every time a thought hits your mind that causes you anxiety or worry or something that is not positive, you need to verbalize the thought to him letting him know this is one of your hamster wheel things going on again. I am married and neither my husband or I keep much of our thoughts to ourselves. Anything that has happened recently or what we remember from the past, we share verbally. Its been a wonderful way to have him let me know that when I was worried about something I said or did giving him the wrong impression, that it indeed did not. When I felt perhaps I lacked a skill, he could tell me that the skills I do have far outweigh the ones I don't. When an idea hits me, like lets go out for Chinese food tonight, I speak out the moment it hits. Last time, he and I both were thinking and saying the same phrase at the same time. ONe of us actually picked up the thought from the other, liked it and shared it. So we went for CHinese. Boys have a different way of looking at things. MOre stable emotionally and logical. Teen girls still are suffering the emotional affects of the hormonal changes where boys are not affected that way. So any guy if not him that you can be close friends with, would be a good choice if he's willing to help you. You need to stop dwelling on each thought and coming up with multi scenerio endings for each and wondering until you are anxious and scared and can find no rest. This is not the normal way to live but you are not alone. A lot of people live this way and its a miserable way to live ones life. Good luck!



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I went to college late, starting at age 20. The reason for this was because I worked for a few years first to figure out what I wanted to do.

Now I'm 2 and a half years into college and my GPA has fallen from a 3.8 to a 3.2, but I'm still hoping that I can raise it to a 3.5 . My issue is I'm bad at the math classes in my major, but fine at everything else. I also have some classes with a teacher who doesn't believe in giving out A's so I usually wind up with a high B in her classes. She's a great professor though and she teaches quite a few courses of the courses in my major and to be honest even if I could take those courses with somebody else, I wouldn't.

Anyways, I've never applied for a job before where they asked me what my GPA was and I'm wondering if all the hubba bubba is true that "real jobs" ask for this?

I've seen the forms that ask what you majored in and your gpa. Its on the forms no matter what schooling you fill in. Since I had no college, only graduated HS, I wouldn't have any majors. Favorite subjects which I write in as 'favorite subjects' and I have no remembrance of my HS GPA so I don't put one and being that I am closer to 60 than anything else, I have worked plenty of jobs that don't require college degrees and never once was asked what my GPA was. It would be a different reason I suppose if you are asked that for a job requiring college degrees. Many jobs have some kind of continuing education that is required. Heck even for a caregiving job, to keep my caregiving certificate valid after earning it in a full day class, I had to yearly study a couple of subjects that pertained to care giving field. I know this is so for nurses, Drs. CPAs and income tax people even. New discoveries, new software, new technologies, etc, require a person who is willing to study, can do so and pass any testing. A GPA can give a person an idea if you were a great student or a mediocre one which is important if theres any continueing education that is needed for your job. If you are only thinking of a money job for now cus money is tight, then any non degree job that any teen can do, you won't need to worry about GPA. If the degree you're going for doesn't require being excellent at math, just the basics, then the fact that you were poor at math shouldn't be an issue. What might help would be a full record of all classes and the grades you got in them. I don't personally believe a GPA is going to show which subjects you had strengths in which is equally important if there is a class or two that you don't do well in that makes the GPA suck.

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Hello

Just to assure why is this flirtatious man extremely confident if his female friend likes him? Do men mostly say you fancy me just to get the reaction from her to see what's on her head so that he could get a positive reply (therefore he'd know she likes him) or does he really fancy her? An honest and helpful answers please. Thanks in advance

Yes, guys have issues with fear and uncertainty when it comes to relationships. Its not exclusive to females only. Its not just guys who might fish with things they say to get a response that gives them a clue if the other person likes them. Females do this too. Unfortunately so many young people due to inexperience have no clue whats happening. Its pretty simple. Note that he tells you that you fancy him. He is not stating that he fancies you.

So if the guy really does fancy you, why would he not say so? Same reason females won't say so, because they are afraid that if they are wrong and this person doesnt like them equally in return, that it would make it too awkward now to remain friends for the person who doesn't return these feelings. The only other logical possibility is that the guy doesn't fancy the girl at all and that is why he isn't telling her how he feels.

Again, its the same in many ways for girls as for guys, can you really see yourself going out of your way to go to a guy you don't like at all, are not attracted to and constantly telling him that he fancies you? I highly doubt it. Because most of people would be afraid of doing anything that might even slightly encourage a person to think of pursuing you romantically if you only like them as a friend but not romantically. Either he's liked you all along or somewhere along the way of being your friend, he grew to have feelings for you. This is a good possibility as some love comes slower and isn't the big flash of passion and desire at fist sight. If the female has never answered yes or no when he states you fancy him, he still doesn't know. If its laughed off and subject changed, he won't know. The thing to determine is if the female likes the male friend enough to be willing to try being more than friends to see where it will take them. It may work and it may not. But nothing ventured, nothing gained. So if she is open to the idea, then she needs to encourage him in some way. "So you think I fancy you, right? Well, you are correct. So either you are picking up on vibes or making an good educated guess. However I am at a disadvantage here as I don't know how you feel about me? As I see it there are 2 choices, if you feel the same and fancy me, then we need to explore the possibility of how a romantic relationship might work for us. The other choice would be to acknowledge that not both feel the same way and decide to just remain friends and not explore any romantic relationship.
If she says nothing, nothing will happen. He is too scared or unsure to come out and tell her how he feels for fear of rejection. Tell her to get brave and say something to let him know one way or the other. If she only likes him as a friend, then all she needs to say is I fancy you as a friend but I don't want you to get any wrong ideas because I don't fancy you romantically. If he still decided to be a friend to her even if he knows theres no romantic future is up to him.

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I am 28 years old and have received SSI benefits since I was 12 and my mom is my payee would I be able to get my money out of my account if my name is on the account, but what would happen if my name is not on the account if something happened to my mom. I am really concerned because my mom's health is not the best anymore. Would my stepdad be the one to take over my funds for me if something happened to my mom or would I be able to be over my own money?

I used to be a caregiver for a guy who had SSI benefits since a kid when he was diagnosed with schizophrenia. He was in his thirties , and one day he decided he wanted to change who his payee was. At least in my state, he was as an adult, able to get his payee changed without any trouble All he had to do is contact whoever was his social worker, the person who checks in on you once a year to see if anything has changed in your status for the better or the worse. This was a common occurance with all patients I had. The state has to keep yearly records of how you are doing if recieving SSI, much the same as DSHS (Dept of Social and Health services) does with requiring a mid certification review with each person or family receiving food stamps that is done twice a year. If you aren't sure who your social service rep is, then ask your MOm, if she can't tell you and you dont have a name or number, I guarantee that your name will be in their system. Their computer will have the name of who the money is for no matter whose name is on the check. You could make a call to your cities local DSHS branch, tell them you get SSI checks and have since age 12. If you can give your name, MOms names as payee, and your birthday, maybe phone number, thats enough information for them to find you in their files. Let them know why you are calling, exactly what you told us, that due to Moms health slowly going downhill, you are worried about her still being the payee if something happens to her. You would rather make a switch now. You need to talk to someone to find out if this is something you yourself now have the capabiltiy to handle on your own. The person I worked for, got his money and put it in the bank. Never used checks or debit cards cus it was too confusing for him. He just guessed how much cash he needed to go grocery shopping, went to his bank to take out that much cash and went shopping. If any money was left over, he put it back in the bank. This is a perfectly functional way to handle ones own checks that the payee forwarded for food and personal care things while they took care of apt and other bills. You could have someone check to see how capable you are, to what extent and give you some ideas on who you might ask to see if they would be willing. Usually this will be family, extended family or very close family friends. So if no sibling, cousins or aunts or uncles are willing to take on the role and even had an idea from social worker as to what it entails, then it can be done. you are an adult. I do not know if there are any mental reasons they would not let you decide. you seem very capable of explaining yourself here extremely well, far better than some of the younger people that write in sometimes. If you ask your Mom and she says no, she will stay your guardian, but you need help to getting in contact or with making a phone to DSHS, then ask another relative you trust to help you, or heck. even a good friend or neighbor who is friends who will help you to place the call and get the ball rolling. I believe you have the right unless there is some issue with you not being considered able to make any decisions for yourself at all. You should be getting acclimated to how to live on your own, even if you have a payee. Your parents don't live forever and you will likely outlive them. There are adult family homes for people on disability. You should be encouraged to figure out getting your own clothes and other personal needs with a check that comes to you for that. It sounds like Mom gets it all and decides how to dish it out, not giving you any pocket money so you have to go to her asking for every little thing like money for a movie, like a young kid. When all bills are covered, there should still be some money that is yours to buy your own food and clothes. Since you are living with Mom, I assume she is using your check to take care of all your expenses. The thing is, your SSI should be enough to pay for low income housing either apts or in a house for disabled adults, mentally or physically. And to cover electricity, phone and other monthly commitments and for there to still be enough for you to budget out how to use the remainder on clothes, food and for entertainment, personal care needs. Instead of a care home where the pay for your stay of having a room, a home overseer and helper and having meals all cooked for you is covered by SSI, your Mom is having you live at home, I don't know if by need or by her choice, but if its never been talked about, then its high time. She is receiving all the money, which is covering your room in Moms house, her cooking you the meals and taking care of all your needs. Even diabled people are able to with some occasional outside assistance of caregivers, to live on their own. You may not be ready or wanting that step but something in between right now, just having some access to your own money.

I could say to just ask your Mom. But I am a MOm and know of other MOms who have kids with some behavior issues or disablities and after raising you, a MOm gets so used to your limitations that they fail to see where you may be able to do things on your own. Especially a MOm of a legally blind adult son. She lived next door and was still reminding him of all he had to do, and worrying and reminding him to be careful, basically the mother to child version of the wife who henpecks a husband, meaning always there, interfering and feeling they know better, and assuming you will continue to allow her as Mom to continue Mothering you. This is hard for a MOm especially if the child had reasons to be receiving SSI. The only non personal reason i know of kids to recieve SSI checks is my nieces and nephews when their Dad died of cancer, they each recieved a check monthly from their Dads social security but that was until they reached 18, only temporary. So you may want to have someone verify with you that since you've been on SSI since age 12, whether you need total care of if you can be involved in decision making like this.

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20/female

I'm at a perfect weight, but my upper and lower arms are still SOOOOO fat. My stomach still looks as if I am 3 months pregnant. My thighs still are WAY too fat as well as my lower legs.

I dont want to starve myself or anything. but like what should i eat/drink and what exercises (i have 3 pound dumbbells and a stability ball and a treadmill, btw) should I do to lose (or tone) all this fat? Like ***literally*** lose/tone it.

(****** I DON'T WANT ANY MUSCLE WHATSOEVER******)

You might want to have Mom dig out all the photographs of your ancestors on both sides of the family. Does anyone have upper arms way chubbier than the forearms and so on? It doesnt have to be Mom or dad but your grandparents, their siblings/your aunts and uncles who may have had this body shaping. It just may be normal, as strange as you may think it is.
At your age, as a young adult, you are free to have a romantic interest, a love life and so of course you will worry about your appearance and ability to attract a guy, at least subconsciously if not fully cognizant that this is a concern. The truth is that not matter what shape a female comes in, there are men who either like or don't mind that particular shape. I've known guys who weren't interested in me cus I am too petite and slim. All their female relatives were hefty, big boned or chubby women and I was too small to feel normal to them, even for a love interest.

So, I have a daughter who is a yoga instructor. From what I have observed, yoga is a great way to tone your muscles, slim up a little without gaining any bulky visible muscles. You may find you have stronger muscles but it won't show. You might try first checking out books of different types of yoga. Most yoga classes offered today are all about healthy stretches for the body instead of any meditation. Decide on which type looks most interesting to you and sign up for a class. The daughter also eats mostly food from health food stores, going for organic and gluten free.
As long as what you eat is not junk food or prepackaged meals, but more of made from scratch like use of fresh fruits and veggies, and then your choice of proteins, you should be fine.

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