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Its making me feel so unsure
Well I'm a 22 almost 23 yr old female, and well I met this guy on the dating app Tinder at the beginning of February around valentines day.. he's from the same country as me so we share the same cultural interests..
Ok straight to the point from that moment we clicked on straight away our banter has always been jokes and till this day we still speak everyday, and lately but slowly I've started becoming more and more interested in him. We flirt but we don't make it so obvious,so I start to get the impression that he's into me.. don't get me wrong he seems like a great guy, we only just met up for the first time on Friday which was so out of the blue and it was a first for me because I never meet anyone from Tinder, it was a meet up.. but it felt like a date he paid for everything and we ended up kissing towards the end.
He's the type of guy who's not really 'soft' or romantic, so its so hard to know if he's into me or not, I don't wanna ask or say that I'm into him because I will feel that I'm coming off to desperate. He said that he's been soft with me, caught a soft spot, fair enough but its annoying when the guy you're into isn't the sweet type.. he was affectionate towards the end of the meet up which I loved we hugged etc... and there was a lot of eye connection which was very flirty..
my problem also is the fact that he is the type of guy that loves going out a lot, I don't mind but it kinda makes me uneasy.. because he's very attractive, he goes clubbing whenever its a friends birthday which has been often..
Sometimes the way we speak makes me feel like he wants me, then in the back of my head I feel like he's also speaking the same way with another girl..
I feel like we've had a great connection even before meeting up, but I also don't want to waste my time
I don't know how to feel or what to think , I've started to catch feelings for him...
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
What do you see in your future relationship wise. Are you looking for a couple of committed long term dating/sex partners for the rest of your life? Are you hoping that you can find the man who becomes your husband and is Daddy material? If you only want some short term activity partners, whether just someone for company to go out places with or just a sex partner or both, you need to know what you want before you can find Mr. Right.When I was your age, I knew little about relationships or reading people and knowing what to expect. I will share some of that knowledge I've gained in life with you in hopes it may be helpful. In case you wonder if an older lady can have a clue here, I am very open minded, with ex went to swing clubs, got a divorce, starting two dating profiles on line. Dating all sorts of guys. But before I did go searching for Mr. Right, I did pray asking God to help bring me a man who would be my sweetheart and really love me. My ex never did love me. He was verbally abusive. I did not want to be afraid to try dating guys again but did not want to find any guys like my ex. Eventually I did meet my next husband on line. We are together now almost 8 years this summer.
So here I paste in a document I have shared before, on how to find Mr. Right. It should eventually help you know what to do about this guy and any future one if that happens.
How to find Mr. Right
I went through this search in my late forties after an almost 30 yr marriage to a man who was never in love with me, verbally abusive and not my sexual match. I was ready to finally find Mr Right and what I believe I heard while praying, is that I had to make several lists and refine them as I went along.
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isnt afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get, you can live with it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of boyfriend. Then you know that you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you. This is a lot said and yet there is so much more detail to share. So ask me if you have questions.
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I think first off, you have only really met this guy once so to really get to know him a few more dates will be in order to find out what he actually is after and if what he is after is the same as you. You guys have met using a dating app that is also notorious for being used as an app for people to use just to find a quick fling and the last thing you would want is for this to be the case here.
I think arranging another date or outing may be the best thing to do from here and then asking him what it is he is looking for because before telling him you are into him you will probably want to know if what he is after is the same thing you are after which I assume is a relationship. From there I would suggest just dating a few times, provided you both are wanting the same thing, and seeing how it goes from there. However, I will say that although caution is in order (you wouldn't want to just be another person he met on Tinder) you also don't want to sit around waiting and hoping he will say something to you because he may well think you are not into him and move on to someone else. He could just as easily meet someone else on Tinder if he hasn't already. So although there is a good thing in waiting there is also a bad side to waiting too long but I think all this really just comes down to common sense.
Your fear that he may be speaking to others in the same way as he is with you is justified. He is a guy who is single and clearly from what you said is a person who likes going out and socialising so it would seem almost naive to think he does not flirt with anyone else (as I pointed out above he is on a site for flirting and dating and he is likely talking to others on there too and maybe even dating others on there). It just seems very unlikely that he would put all his eggs into one basket, as the saying goes, in assuming that you are going to be the one who will be with him considering you guys have only just even met up and gone on a date.
I know my response may seem a little all over the place but this is mostly because of how many different directions this can go into as there are so many different variables to consider. I think that first and foremost make it known you do have some level of interest, this is something you can do simply by just asking him if he would like to go out again for dinner or something similar - a date but you don't have to actually say it's a date. That way you won't come off being desperate but at the same time you are showing some interest so he knows that you do like him but you're not just throwing yourself at him. Otherwise he may well think you are just not interested at all and move on. From there just see how it goes and go with your gut instincts.
Spend time together, this is really the whole point of dating - to get to know each other and see if you like each other to take it to the next step. Find out what it is he is after - is he looking for a relationship or is he just after casual dating and nothing more, once you know that then you can decide where you want to take it.
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Hey! You seem tense. Dont worry! sit down, relax, doctors here! seems you got a hard choice with you and this man. He doesn't show much emotion toward you both, but yet he does. Its not easy, but the only thing to do, is ask him. Ask him if he likes you in a relationship way. Its very hard for us to get the nerves to say it. but there is no other way to ask. who knows, if he says yes, then congrats! But if he says no, dont worry. He'll understand you like him. And he'll think about you more often.
Good luck!
-Dr.D
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