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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

I’ve been wondering about what gender I like.

You only said you wonder, you didn't ask a specific question. That makes it hard for us to help give info or advice.
Lots of non alternative gender or sexual habits still confuse straight people. However I have known plenty of alternative on the sexual side. You did say gender, not what gender you prefer sexually.

So I will only focus on how a person can know what gender they are. If that's not it, you'll have to write again and be more clear.

Kids born male or female who gravitate to things relating to the opposite sex from an early age, like toddler and preschool are very likely to be trans-gender. Since this has nothing to do with sex, you don't have to wait until puberty to know. Most kids know long before puberty and actually dread having their body morph into the gender they don't feel they are, like being trapped in the wrong body. SO to be clear, this does not have anything to do with being gay, bi or some other sexual preference.
There are plenty of you tube videos on transgender kids. There are also chat groups specifically for that. The most popular is Jazz Jennings born in a male body but she is female. She has a you tube show called 'I am Jazz" I loved the one video of how her Mom noticed it early on and knew before Jazz even did and was supportive. So look for that.
You can also do a search online for 'transgender support groups" however many states or cities have ones specific for that area, so you may want to add your city or state to get one local.

I am going to guess that you are young or a teen. This is the time that some non transgender kids start to question things like sexual preferance and if not knowing any better may assume they are also transgender.
It is possible to be transgender and also be gay or bi. It does not mean that it you are gay or bi that you are automatically transgender.
So lets cover quickly the sexual preferences:
Gay: this means if you are female, you are sexually attracted to females. Males do not incite desire and passion in you. The same goes the other way, with Males attracted to males.
Bi sexual: This is where the person is correctly in a male or female assigned body but instead of attracted to only the same sex, they are also attracted sexually to the opposite sex. I am not bi but have met quite a few bi women. Some will be married and attracted only to one male, their husband and not attracted to any other males but attracted to one specific female or many females. It can be where a woman likes many men and many women but the most common I've met is a one man only but many females bi sexual woman. I can't speak for the males as I hadn't met any.
I hope this clarifies things a bit and you know what to go looking for in support online. Good luck

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Been dating for a few months but known each other just over a year. both late 20's. we went out for a meal few times and kissed and been going out but not in public but he has a girlfriend and a 2 year old boy. now please guys don't judge me, he was not entirely happy when we went out and crossed the line by kissing and I had just split with my boyfriend at the time. we have said I love you to each other and he did fall for me really hard and so was I. he replies he's not playing with me when I ask him. Now, I asked him this the other day by where are we heading to this relationship, does he see us in the future, is he happy with her and he said, you need to live on the present and think about the present because you think about the future and you're to sensitive he says he can't guarantee to be with me because he's got boy with her plus she's never done anything bad to him says if he's single then of course we will go out exclusively, if she comes up to him says she wants to break up then he will come to me straight or one day if he's single then surely he will go out exclusively but not now as they're still together a boy they have, I asked him if he see them together for another 20 years and he got upset and why are you making an assumptions about everything, why, can't you enjoy the moment, i told him i want him to be with me but he says, 'WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO WITH THE FLOW?' WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO WITH THE FLOW? he says he can't guarantee anything because he's still with her but as soon as he's single he will come to me. probably i might have asked too much he just got upset and said let's just be friends for now because you're a good girl and you deserve better. he says he loves her and he loves me too, i told him no you can't love 2 people at the same time but he said yes you can because you've never experienced like i have which i think is true as i only love him not other boys. so, what does he mean by go with the flow, he can't guarantee anything, he loves us both, when he said you deserve better than me, did he mean to says just go away??? i miss him though because he's a good boy with a good character. PLEASE HELP GUYS. though please don't judge me. does he see us into anything. he still says he loves me but he wants us to go with the flow and see what happens! he says i worry too much. thank you for the answers. I'M REALLY SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY

Oh my goodness, you need to take control of your dating relationships. Earn a guys respect. This one has none for you. He says you're too sensitive and to live in the moment without any rules or boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you won't. You will need to become a lot more self confident before you will earn the respect of men. In fact, according to a test done on single men and women, men initially may have been attracted to the looks of model types who had low self confidence. However once they discovered the low self confidence, they wanted nothing to do with those women. They and the males who were first attracted to women with self confidence were pretty much all in the end. Self confidence in a woman, being able to set boundaries and let a guy know what you will and won't accept is irrestible to guys. I employed this while internet dating and only met for a coffee the first time. This first was not a fun get together, only talk and I did alot of it. I had a list to describe myself to the guy and also a list of what I was looking for in a guy. It was really clear what I wanted so if a guy could not meet all the 'must haves' I had, then he was out of the picture. I also told every man that just because I met him for coffee did not mean I automatically have chosen him. I was looking for a new life partner after a divorce and I had learned some things in life the hard way. I was not taking a chance either of assuming the face they first showed me was the true character. It was a good thing because most people put their best foot forward when meeting someone and revert to their real true nature after a while because it takes too much personal energy to continuously keep up a ruse. For example, I met a guy two times in public and he was great, really liked him. 3rd date was dinner he cooked at his place. The moment I arrived, he began to speak horrible of a maid he said he had and how dirty the place was. It was spotless. He went on and on using racial slurs and such. So I acted like nothing was wrong since I was alone with him. But after a few days when He called again, I told him I gave it a good try but just didn't find enough chemistry between us. That way I wouldn't get harassed later by a crazy guy and all guys seem to be okay with that explanation of not feeling chemistry. I do have a document I can paste in for you to read, on how to find Mr. Right. Even if you think you already have him, you will learn how to set boundaries, not to settle for less than you want out of a relationship, and learn how to put in words, in a list, what you want from a guy and expect and what is not acceptable. You can try it with this guy but he's already been spoiled and as you know, he already has someone else. I'll bet the reason he won't go out in public with you is due to fear that someone who knows him will see you and report it back to his babys Mama. If you want that document, then go to my column and write me from there asking for it. What I will paste in right now is a short list of questions you answer to see if he is a keeper or not. You need to be sure of where you stand with him. Adviceman and I already are pretty sure. But here it is. And if you have any questions, againj, write to me from my column.

DOES HE LOVE ME?

Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.

1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.

7 Questions to know if he really loves you


1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.

How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.

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Hi, we've been going out casually for about 4 months. we had a bit of a disagreement and I just ignored him but when I went up to him and apologised and he said oh am I your boyfriend again? the thing is we hardly say we're girlfriend and boyfriend but now he's just asked even though we rarely mention. so, do ask am I your boyfriend? I mean what does it mean? thanks

If you two had not been talking due to argument, and all of a sudden you speak to him again, then his phrase 'Oh am I your boyfriend again" in this case means "Oh, are you on speaking terms with me again?"

I don't know how long the two of had not been speaking. What you may not have considered is that he did not miss talking with you and wasn't even curious as to what was bothering you. A guy who is really in a girl is going to care a bit more about how she is feeling. An exceptional guy is going to want to know if he did something to make you upset and if he is at fault, he will do his best to change his ways and treat you better.

Got a good piece of advice for the future. If it happens again, do not ignore him. You may think it is sending a message but it won't be the message you are hoping to send. When females stop talking, most guys are more likely to just be confused. They may know you are upset but not why. It could be you and having too high of expectations or misunderstandings that are natural when males and females reason out things differently. on the other hand, if he truly did something wrong, something you won't tolerate in how he treats you and you ignore, then you start talking first and apologize every time just to not lose him, you are actually training him that he can treat you like crap and you will get upset but always come back and not expect or demand better of him next time.

You instead are excited that he mentioned himself as your boyfriend. I can't tell you if he really feels like he is your boyfriend. But when any two people start seeing each other exclusively, and that means not hanging out with any other guy for you and not hanging out with any other girl for him, that generally means the two of you are dating. Cousins don't date each other, siblings don't date each other, so if any two people decide to date, they are automatically boyfriend and girlfriend. Don't get too excited yet. There are plenty of bf/gf couples dating where either both or only one has made a commitment to the other. A commitment means they are pretty sure they've found the person they want to be with long term or life long and they are no longer looking for someone else. That means you are not filler to keep him busy until he finds someone he liked better.

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15 year old male. I've recently met this girl at my Highschool, a grade below me (I'm a sophmore and she's a Freshman). I don't even know how I ended up liking her, but here I am. She's smart as hell, funny, gorgeous and talented. She's also unafraid of anything, other people would let kids get bullied, but she stands up for them no matter who is doing the bullying. She's even a bit snarky and I'd hate that quality on anyone else but on her I love them.

She also has a very caring and sensitive side to her. I have had a very difficult life-my father is an alcoholic, and my parents have never really noticed me at all. I've been used to having my depressed attitude and suicidal thoughts ignored by everyone, but she hears. She cares if I am sad, and she doesn't want me to feel lonely. Perhaps thats one of the reasons why I like her.

Whenever someone or something hurts her, I just feel so angry. I don't even get that defensive over myself, but I want to keep her safe from everything. With her, I've got no control over myself, and I can't get her out of my mind.

I've got a good friendship with her right now, and I don't wanna blow it. I'm not sure how she feels about me exactly, but she seems to like my personality at the very least. I want to try and flirt with her, but I can't help but feel like I don't deserve her, even if she did like me back. I'm so basic and plain compared to her. She is actual perfection.

I want to tell her how I feel, and how much she means to me, but I've got no clue on how. I've got no idea how to deal with this emotional crap, or what's wrong with me for falling to pieces over her. I'm afraid that if I tell her all this stuff-what I've written here-she'll think I'm weird and/or creepy. Can somebody please help me with telling this girl how special she is to me and that I like her without freaking her out?

I like the suggestion of checking out Alateen. Since your Dad is alcoholic, this is a great support group to learn how to deal with having a family member who is alcoholic.
As for the depression, I can see how being in your situation, lack of the love and attention and care you needed growing up being missing, it makes sense you'd feel this way. Anyone would. However, there is a chance it may not be clinical depression. This type is due to the body not being able to create enough of the hormones the body should make on its own that are the neuro transmitters that help your brain to feel good as far as your mood.
Then there is the depression that is linked to a situation. It can be a once occurring situation such as when my daughter got depressed after her first boyfriend dumped her and it lasted 3,4 months before she decided to seek help. The doctor she saw was a one time deal freebie from her jobs insurance and other times would not be covered. The Dr. was trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and based on information she gave including the fact she'd had no depression before the event, only after, he gave her a list of things to do that will elevate the levels of the NTs, (neuro transmitters) naturally. This only works for people who do not have the inability to create their own, like a genetic defect. You can't know which you have but I am betting that being neglected in a way, is enough to have caused you a possible situational depression that is longer in duration than most situational ones because you have no way to leave your situation, being how your parents are treating you or lack there of.
And that is why I feel alateen would be helpful.

https://al-anon.org/for-members/group-resources/alateen/

You already know that having this one female friend who is understanding helps. What if there were more who understood and may have helpful things to share based on their experiences? If however you feel suicidal, of course call 911.

NOw I will go on to talk about other things you've mentioned: "She cares if I am sad, and she doesn't want me to feel lonely. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I like her."
This and the other list of qualities about her is naturally why you like her. As teens, we tend to start noticing traits we like in other people. Sometimes it's just in observing them from a distance and sometimes it's in how they treat you personally. Not everyone is lucky to get terrific parents. Parents are just souls on earth who have as much to learn as you do and sometimes an adult is too blissfully unaware of what they are doing wrong or they just don't care to do the right thing or to grow up and mature and learn how to be an adult. This does not reflect on your value as a person, each one of us deserves love. But lack of it from a young age can affect a person. To be sure you don't repeat your parents mistakes someday, it might be a good thing to get counseling for it which will happen if you see the right kind of professional. Even a Dr. trained in CBT will eventually prescribe medication if nothing else helps. However I have read plenty of statistics on line and at least 80% or more of people with depression can be healed without medication. Do not try to treat yourself, this is a serious matter. I will quickly post a link to a Dr turned teacher and author who discusses this and more. It should give you hope. However, I would still insist on getting a Dr. who uses CBT

Here's that link: https://feelinggood.com/

Next, you said:
Whenever someone or something hurts her, I just feel so angry. I don't even get that defensive over myself, but I want to keep her safe from everything. With her, I've got no control over myself, and I can't get her out of my mind.

I understand that quality in you well. It so happens my 2nd husband is just like that. It also extends to not just if anyone else has bothered me but if unintentionally, he did something to make me cry, without realizing it. So when he sees tears, his first concern and question is to ask if he did something that hurt me and he quickly apologizes. Then he never repeats that action or those words again because his want of seeing me safe, happy and unharmed, caring more about me than himself, is a part of what being in love is about. Having lacked the kind of love you required growing up may have made you more sensitive to its importance. So whether you think of it, or just react that way, it's part of you. I don't very often see young males feeling such fierce feelings for a female at this age. It's something that comes later as he grows older and matures. But simply but what you shared, if not misread or mis written by you, but actually the true facts, then I could safely say, its not just a crush or puppy love but love we're talking about. It may have come about first because of how she cared and reached out to you but theres a good chance, it continued to grow with you. You may have been attracted initially to that list of qualities you gave that started with 'smart as hell, funny, gorgeous and talented. She's also unafraid of anything," which would be a crush, a one way only of your feelings about her. However when she reached out to listen to care and befriend, your feelings likely grew. She may just be a caring person in general and reaches out to the under-dog in any situation. You'd know that if you've been watching her closely. If she's done that only with you, then it's more likely she likes you as a friend. She may only become a close friend in your life or perhaps theres a chance for her to become more than friends meaning a romantic love.

Here is where I share a Beware. Be aware that sometimes when a person is hurting, or lets say drowning, a drowning person is going to be most grateful and attracted to the kind person who rescues them. So far, its just her, but if you find yourself in the future attracted to and feeling these fierce feelings for anyone who is paying you attention and caring, then it may be your reaction and feelings are more due to the lack of having the kind of love and attention from parents. so even if this is the true reason you feel as you do for her, it is natural to react and feel this way. I won't say that this means this situation is a good one to base something like 'more than friends' off of.

You are right to not just go barging in and telling her your feelings. Many a friend has been scared away if they didn't feel the kind of natural chemistry to have romantic attraction to. A friend like that will never become more than friends and it is likely after hearing how their friend feels that it feels too awkward to hang with someone they know feels love, so they simply break off the friendship or a greater distance between them as friends, occurs. The best way to find out how she feels right now is to ask in a way as if you were just musing over a thought and asking her opinion of what she thinks. That way you haven't actually professed your feelings in a way to scare her off but leave it open for her to decide. If you do start dating, after a while when you;re both closer and have gained more trust of each other, would be a good time to share all of how you feel about her. At that point, its more likely to be a glue that makes your relationship stronger, with her knowing how much you appreciate her in return.

So heres't the magic words.
"Hey Karen, we've been doing really great as friends so far. You know, it makes me wonder how well we'd do as something more than friends. What do you think?"
I'd memorize that to say it exactly so, because this way is not a declaration of your feelings. this sounds more like curiosity, wondering if the friendship feelings could make a love grow, rather than saying the love is already there on your part. Asking her opinion is she sees this as possible, without professing to love her or even the phrase 'have feelings for her', there is no pressure to say 'me too' if she doesn't feel so. It won't feel as awkward to say no to an idea of yours or a suggestion rather than No, I don't feel that way about you. If she has the feelings she will either say something about okay lets try that or may need time to think and will still respond favorably. Or if she does not feel anything stronger than friendship, she will feel compelled to tell you right then its not a good idea. This way she doesn't have to say she doesnt feel that way about you but the message for you is loud and clear. Do this first. If she only wants friendship, then that can continue and you will have to be content with only that.
If she only wants to be friends, the most I would do is give a Valentine that is printed with 'for my friend' and let her know you appreciate her friendship very much and how you treasure that since you didn't get the same care from your family. Thats enough without more details unless she asks or knows. And giving a friend card for Valentines day is not admitting you're in love. the card industry has changed things so that grandma's give such a thing as a Valentine to her grand daughter or people so do for people other than their lover. SO it wouldn't be weird.

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Long story short, they sent somebody to my workplace who's from out of state. I didn't like him at first, but over time I developed a crush on him and then found out the feeling was at least somewhat mutual when he started texting me and flirting with me.

I think as two adults we both realize it wouldn't work so we didn't actually make any moves, but I was still somewhat hopeful that maybe we could work something out. We made plans twice to spend time together outside of work, but both times one of us bailed...probably for the better.

Last week was supposed to be our last day scheduled together and he wanted to come over to my place, but I already had plans with my friend and he had made me somewhat angry with him when I heard him telling people how a work relationship just wouldn't work because he moves around so much and I felt like he was just trying to get in my pants. At the end of the day I went to give him a hug and he only gave me a side hug and that made me feel even worse after we'd been flirting back and forth all week.

I thought I had moved on from my feelings for him after not hearing from him, until today when he texted me that we were working together tomorrow one last time. I immediately became sad all over again because I know he's leaving back to his state in a couple days. There was initially a good chance I would see him again when he came back in a couple weeks, but now I've found a new job so I'll be leaving the company altogether soon.

My feelings are all over the place now and I even told him I was sad when he texted me to find out what I was doing and he acted surprisingly concerned and really wanted me to tell him what was wrong. Of course that made me feel sadder.


I just don't know what to do. I know the likelihood of us seeing each other again is very slim after tomorrow and I just need a way to come to terms with the idea that it just wasn't meant to be.

First, since you call it a crush, I want you to fully understand what a crush is and what it isn't.

Crush: (noun)a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.

And so we need to see what infatuation means: infatuation is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion, usually towards another person for which one has developed strong romantic feelings.
A final description of infatuation from wikipedia:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infatuation

And from that link comes the best description of the most common type of crush: Three types of infatuation have been identified by Brown: the first, and perhaps most common, being a state of 'being 'carried away, without insight or proper evaluative judgement, by blind desire'.

So as you can see, Crushing is not based on reciprocal feelings, it's all occurring first in the mind, and what the mind focuses on, the emotions will follow. It doesn't matter if your thoughts are of marrying a Duke by the end of the year, if there is no reason for that belief, no actual true signs by actions taken by that Duke, not just promises, actions where the sum of the actions prove beyond a doubt that the Duke is in love with you, then crushing on him is most likely one sided, all in ones head.

I don't think it matters that the guy flirted and traded texts. That is more due to the type of job he has. If you had a job that required constant traveling as a female, you're still a human with needs for attention, to flirt and yes for sex and love. Would it be practical for you to marry and never see your husband but once a year because you're away all the time. We didn't even mention having a baby. Would you be traveling for a job with a baby? What happens if the child is school age. The child can't realistically be in a new school every week or two. As you can see, such a job is truly disruptive to leading a normal life.

I am not surprised you heard the following: "I heard him telling people how a work relationship just wouldn't work because he moves around so much" But its not just a work relationship, any relationship. The only thing that would work is if he had a female partner who was his wife and they couldn't have kids or didn't want kids and they both traveled together and were hired as a team to work places. And how slim are the chances of that exact situation coming up for him? Very slim!!!

Human females are naturally doing the same thing as animals when it comes to choosing a partner. The female deer will watch a fight between two male deer to see which one wins. The stronger one is important as a mate because that's selective picking of traits she will want in her children so the children deer have better chances at survival themselves. There are variables to the choosing traits but humans do the same thing.

Your subconscious mind may even pick up on something you like about a guy you come across. Maybe the looks, but I've known women to love a guys sense of humor, the sound of their laugh or chuckle, how patient he is, never losing his temper, being friendly and outgoing, being thoughtful with everyone, treating all women with something like reverence. I remember starting to do that with boys my age when I was a teen. I would watch to see what traits I like in a guy. This is helpful in finding a mate someday, just as it works for animals. But its more complicated with humans. Yes, some girls will be drawn to a guy simply by his looks like a female Cardinal is drawn to the male cardinals bright red color while she is a less vibrant color.

In looking back, even after HS, I found I felt attracted to men of all ages, even those old enough to be my dad. I did not assume it was that I might want a love relationship with those men. I knew about seeking for traits and would ask myself what it was about the guy that i was being attracted to. I finally had my list of what I was looking for in a guy, real specific but based often on only one or two good traits from each guy. The flip-side is that I also saw all the things about a guy that i would not tolerate, even tho I liked one trait. the thing is to find the majority of what you are looking for in one guy. It takes patience dear. The reason I am going into such detail on this is because it isn't until you understand this process and what is really going on, how females respond to and select males, that you will be able to let the feelings of the crush go. Is there a chance to see each other in the future or get together as a couple? Yes, but as you said, its very slim. It takes lots more for men to fall in love but takes no time at all to fall in lust, or as you said, 'wanting to get in a girls pants'. You want both in a relationship, not only lust, or love without the lust or desire. There are married women with husbands who really do not desire them and that's a sad place to be.

I doubt he intends to seek a new vocation so he can be with you. A daughter of mine met a guy like that. His home base was our city where his parents lived and a married sister but his job was taking aerial photos, like the kind you see on Google maps where you can see the details of an area with roads and buildings. His job had him on the road most the time and when he had time off, it was maybe a week but then he worked straight for weeks flying from one job to another. He knew he could not enjoy a long term relationship and only has a short one with her. the Daughter was devastated when he broke it off after only a short while of a few months.
I just want you to realize next time you see a guy and start crushing, that deep down, something in you noticed one trait or two that you like in that guy. Write it down. Compile that list of what you need in a guy (these are must haves and if missing, its a deal breaker) and a list of wants (these would be nice but you can live without so they're not a deal breaker) A deal breaker for one person may not be for another. I had a first marriage of verbal abuse so a must have for me was a man who treated women well and did not lose his temper, didnt yell, and did not speak demeaning to me. A deal breaker for someone else might be not wanting to have kids but the partner wants kids, and since there's no way to find a halfway point to compromise its a deal breaker. Oh yes, I know women who still married a guy like that who did nt want kids but the marriage broke up when she found she couldn't change his mind over time and she still wanted kids. I hope all of this is helpful to you. Sorry it is so long but I felt you truly needed the detailed insight to why you are still feeling something and want to know how to stop. Everytime you think of him, tell yourself, that thought must end because there is no real future with him. It will take being consistant and you'll find that he comes to mind much more often each day than you'd have thought. But be consistent and stop letting your thoughts dwell on him, same as breaking a habit, you have to do it over and over until the urge to do so is no longer there.

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Hello, my name is Jess and i’m 21 years old. I’ve been talking to this guy who is 22 for 3 months now. We’ve been on a couple dates and have hungout like 6 times now. When we’re together it’s great, we laugh and I learn more about him each time we hangout. My issue is though is that I am insecure. And I really like him and want a relationship with him. I’m afraid though that i’m Wasting my time. I feel like he won’t want to be in a relationship with me because he’s someone who doesn’t really express his feelings towards me. He told me he liked me but that was it. I’m afraid to tell him that I really like him and that I want a relationship with him. And when he leaves after we hangout I miss him a lot. I just don’t wanna tell him that and scare him off. I know I might be overthinking everything but I can’t help it and I’ve been hurt in the past and don’t wanna waste my time. Any advice would be appreciated!

I can understand how you feel based on being hurt in the past. However I believe that age plays a great part in whether a person is going to make a good relationship partner. I'm not talking about you but the men. Since you are 21. I can safely assume that most the guys were around your age and therefore figure we're talking of being hurt by guys who are 20 or younger.

I realize there's always an exception to the rule but generally, most young males are only just beginning to explore sexuality and relationships with someone. They do not yet have in mind the person they are looking for to stay with the rest of their lives or even long term. For them, it's like being a kid in a candy store. You want to try as much as you can. If a certain candy is no longer carried in the store, he can live without it.
It's not until during the time he's having fun just dating and meets the gal he knows he can't live without that a guy is truly in love and would rather give up everything else just to have that special lady. Yes, a few already know what they want early on and are proposing marriage to the gal of their dreams early on but that's more like 1 out of every 10.
You'll have more success as the men you're interested in are older and more mature about relationships and what they want.

In the meanwhile, I think I'll share and paste in a document on how to find Mr. Right. Even if this guy is your Mr. Right, you can't be sure yet but I do have instructions on what must happen to easily discover if he is or isn't and if he isn't what you outline you're looking for, he will leave you. I used this outline during the time I was dating after a divorce and it sure helped me to not waste any time like hunting for a needle in a haystack.
I got down to what mattered to me. Was honest and shared what i was looking for in a guy and at this stage of just meeting, told the guys if they decided they could not meet my criteria, I'd have no hard feelings if they decided to leave.
I know this may not help you see how you can get to the next stage with your guy but even at 3 months, if you make your lists and share your wants in a serious talk with him, he can then decide if he's going after the wrong girl because he doesn't meet your criteria. If he meets it, then he should want to ask you to be his girlfriend and date for now. If he doesn't, but is the right guy, don't worry, some time away without any contact with you (including texts and calls) then is the only time he can discover if he feels incomplete, feeling something is missing and feels like he can't live without you. People too easily say I missed you without it being as dire as the other person thinks.

HOw to find Mr. Right


First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.

So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?

I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.

Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.

Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....

Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.

The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.

I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.

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I am in my 20's and I have a very hard time meeting guys. When I do meet guys I like I feel like they aren't interested and guys that I am not interested same thing- I'm not interested. It's a never ending cycle.

A while back I met this guy and we've talked on and off for years. I am not sure if he likes me. But he doesn't always initiate conversation or hold it. We reconnected in the last couple of years. He has asked me what my type was, teased and asked if I liked girls. Asked to hang out at night to cuddle but I told him I had to get to know him first. He then respected that and didn't push it anymore.

I want to know if he likes me. He has also said we've talked on and off for years, it's nice but it is also a tease and I felt like he was hinting on wanting to hang out. So he finally said welp, you should ask.

He also says he's shy when it comes to girls and in general. He also said if I invite you, it should mean something.
I'm just not sure if he likes me or not, is he giving me hints? Maybe I need to hang out with him to get a feel for him? We have casual conversations but yet sometimes he gets forward like that. And when he does that it makes me think he may like me.

Should I give up on this guy?

Is he giving you hints? YES! I will list them for you.

A guy will not talk to and thus encourage a girl to go after him if he is not attracted to her and doesn't like her personality .
So, if he has been willing to talk to you before, thats a good hint. It's even better that when you reconnected as people who know each other, that he was wanting to talk to you again. This shows that the initial attraction was for real, not something that faded over time.

Next, he asked you what your type was. This is actually very telling. A person has to be sure what they like in a partner before they can even go looking for and recognize the qualities they like in a person. He was asking you to tell him if he is the type of guy you are basically attracted to or not. He is trying to find out if he has a chance at all with you. I do not know if you answered him at all or what you said, but if he's still not sure, I am betting you didn't give him a clear enough answer so that he could know.

Don't know if it was the same convo, but you mention teasing and asking if you prefer women. In these days, thats a very real possibility. If you said no but you do not respond to his or any males advances, all he can think is that you aren't sure yet what you want, or feel you are gay but embarrassed and want to deny that part of you but while not acting on being gay and going after women, you also are not responding to a man. Thats confusing for him.

Next you say he asked if you'd be interested in hanging out and cuddling. Think of the most disgusting to you, guy, that you can think of and try to imagine your self asking that guy to cuddle with you. What on earth would you be doing, thinking of asking a guy who is so disgusting to cuddle with you that it makes your stomach turn? Do you like to torture yourself this way? Or are you playing with his feelings like a nasty mean person waiting for him to say sure so you can tell him, I was just kidding. Now turn the tables again. Do you really believe your guy is continually talking to you and asking to cuddle if you gross him out? I don't know of any humans in my world who would be brave enough to do that. And why would he want to hang around until you finally respond to him that you like him and then you never hear from him ever again. Is that what you are really thinking? Watch your thoughts dear b ecause humans tend to over think and do a lot of distorted thinking and focus only on a reality in their minds that are not true in real life at all.

Another hint is that he was polite and didn't push it. He was a gentleman. A guy who cares about a gal, more than just the sexual side of things but as a friend is going to treat her with tender loving care, really caring about her limits, her needs, understand her moods and be willing to do whatever it is she wants.

Without saying outright, I like you and want to date you, are you interested, he said the same thing in different words when you wrote this:
He has also said we've talked on and off for years, it's nice but it is also a tease. He is saying that it feels like you pay him only enough attention as you would any classmate, but not a good friend or someone you are interest in romantically. Just when you say or do something that makes him believe you are interested, you do or say something else that make him doubt what he just thought he saw. And so it comes across to him as you just messing with his feelings and teasing him, encouraging him in some ways but not in the next.

I am only assuming here because I don't really know what you are doing. It may not be what you do but what you fail to do in response that has him not sure. Males and females alike, both want a partner who is willing to be in the relationship, who is really there for you in mind, soul and body and who will carry their half of the responsibility for the relationship and that would include the beginning of how two get together. A guy doesn't want to initiate 100% of the time. That makes it feel like the lady doesnt care what he does and will just go along with it, not protest and let him do all the leading and that get tiring for guys after a while. It also leaves room for doubt if she doesn't make any moves towards him. He may think she is not really into him but has resigned herself to the fact that she has to settle for someone and might as well settle for a guy who at least seems somewhat interested even if she isn't. It isn't just women who need their man to pay attention to them. Guys need it too dear.

He also told you that if he invites you out, you should be able to realize that it really means something, that he is interested and yet you never take the bait and respond. So if anyone has reason to be frustrated, it's this guy. SO its a great thing you thought to ask for advice here. Don't take the chance of losing him to another smart female who realizes his potential as a wonderful attentive bf and asks him out first and asks him to be her boyfriend. Once that happens, he will be loyal to her if he has equal interest in her as he had in you. After a while, if one person doesn't respond favorably, the other may decide to move on when another person shows interest.
So don't wait dear. Ask the guy out!!!
Some shyer types won't ask the girl out in those exact words but leave plenty of hints. I am older with more relationship experience so I recognized plenty of hints from him. You may believe you are leaving him hints as well but it may be way too subtle for you. It's actually quite funny in a way, both of you thinking you are leaving enough hints for each other but both still not sure. Trust me, he's interested, very interested in you.
My 2nd husband contacted me first on a dating site. I responded. We chatted by phone for a week before meeting in person. There were plenty of signs to each other that we both were really into each other early on but he did not make the first move to kiss. He wanted to leave it up to me not because he was shy at almost age 50 but because he didn't want to push any faster than I was ready so without telling me I had to make the first move, he just waited. He didn't have to wait long because I made sure to kiss him. I also had to initiate our first time of having sex, even though I could tell he wanted to. Again, he left each step up to me. I didn't say but in his written message on dating site, he said he wouldn't bother me again and would assume I wasn't initially interested if I did not respond back. So I also had to write him back which was another step he left up to me, because he was a gentleman. Your guy may be the gentleman and also shy so You need to make the first move dear. Invite him out. Give him a hug in greeting and when you end the date, give him a kiss on the lips. That should be all the encouragement he needs to get started.

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I have a huge crush on someone in my art class. I'm 25 and he's 33. This man is seriously everything.... not only is he handsome and brilliantly talented, he is by far one of the most interesting people I've ever met (very sensitive and unique spirit) and he's also just a very warm, generous guy. The level of detail in the work he brings in every week is inspiring to me, and I'm pretty overwhelmed by how incredible he is. Every time I see him, I become more and more attracted to him and it's reaching a point where I feel like I should probably do something about it. However, I'm feeling stuck because I don't know if making a move (me being female) is a very good idea. If I suddenly started texting or calling him in a social manner or asking him out to go places, I'm afraid he'd find it weird and creepy, and not want to work with me again. He is one of the most passionate and dedicated artists in the class and the worst thing I could do, obviously, would be to fuck everything up and lose him as a project partner.

I first met him about 4 months ago at the start of the fall semester. Though he is gregarious and connects with people well (he works as a waiter), I get the sense from talking to him that he isn't the most confident guy on the planet. He definitely doesn't have great self-esteem, but I don't know if that would necessarily affect him in a dating context. If he were interested in me at all, wouldn't he have reached out to me outside of class (separate from the work we've done together) at some point? No guy has ever shown even the vaguest interest in me before and I don't see why he should be any different.

Not all guys initiate if interested. There are the shy guys who are just not going to make the first move because they are as scared of doing so and of rejection as females do.
Then there is a 2nd type who have heard too much about sexual harassment that gets blown out of proportion that they don't want to make the first move. ( I have a family member who asked a girl out and she said no. After some time went by, he tried one more time and that time she reported him for sexual harassment. Asking someone out is not sexual harassment but due to what is and isn't harassment getting muddled in peoples minds, this becomes a real fear and guys won't try. )
Lastly, the third type of guy will be friendly and courteous and willing to talk to you and seem interested but not ask you out because they are trying to be gentlemen and leave that up to the lady to make the first move so she doesn't feel pressured by unwanted attention. There can be a variation of this. I met my 2nd husband in online dating site. He made the first move in contacting me and told me it was the only time he would write me if I did not respond. He would assume I was not interested and fade into the background as if he had never written. (His real words) I wrote him back and we talked every day for a week on phone before meeting on the weekend. We met a few times at his place. He had a teenage daughter close to age of one of mine and she liked me and approved of me. However, despite how he was treating me, acting around me so I could tell he was very interested in me, in the second stage of kissing, he also left it to me to make the first move. I got frustrated that he hadn't made a move yet so I kissed him. I also had to initiate sex the first time also. But once he knew I was okay with it all and wouldn't go ballistic on him for kissing or sex, he initiated half the time after that.

Lots of shy people won't make the first move but are slow to warm up and once comfortable with the other person, will become confident and lose the shyness in that relationship. So give it a chance and ask him to go for coffee or some school sponsored event or for a bite to eat. All he can do is say no. Now if he says no, it might be a knee jerk answer to feeling overwhelmed and scared and thinking you are too far above him to remain interested once you get to know him. So continue to be friendly and treat him as a friend, and try again some time down the road after he's had time to get used to the idea that you asked him out. Then ask again and if you want, ask him 'as friends' as that sounds less terrifying initially than as a 'date'. Once he gets to know you, if there is chemistry as far as attraction on his side as well, then he will warm up to it. If you get to that point and he hasn't kissed you yet, just ask, "I'd love it if you'd kiss me right now" or just kiss him.

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I'm a student, in my second year of university, and I'm starting to look at possible jobs for this summer. I'm just not sure what kind of job to look for, because I'm not sure what kind of job I'll be able to handle.

You see, the past two summers I've had the same job. For 8 weeks, I worked 6 (or less) hour days where I mostly just interacted with one or two other people, and the work was not overly stressful. At the end of every day, I would go home mentally and emotionally exhausted. I almost had a breakdown at work a few times because I was so tired. At the end of the summer I was completely done.

This summer, I need to find a job with more hours that lasts more like 14-16 weeks so I can afford to pay for school next year. I'm just not sure what kind of job I can find that I will be able to handle. People exhaust me quickly, having to be "on" and functional for an entire day exhausts me...I just don't know if I'm mentally capable of working any of the jobs I've looked at.

Retail would be hard because I'd have to interact with customers.
Summer camps are a definite no. Not being able to go home to my own quiet room would be hard, and the energy needed to be around kids all day...not possible.
Greenhouse/manual labour would be physically exhausting and I don't know if I could do that.
I can't think of any other options...

No matter that you are in college, if an employer knows you are available only during summer and you won't be an ongoing employee, that will exclude you from many jobs. This means you will most likely end up having to vie for positions with HS kids who want to work during summer. Its the fast food jobs and such that get high turnover because of the age of the majority of the staff. Its usually teens in HS, just out of HS, people in their twenties and an odd thirty something or older person working in the kitchen. I know as I've done that. I no longer work there but call tell you this is a job thats easy to get but the people doing it are using it as their first job experience and move on to other stuff, or a mom in 30s does it as the second income, college students going to school part time, earn money this way and are gone after they graduated, people without much job experience use this as a stepping stone to move on to better things.

Sorry if I read incorrectly the words you shared but if all job pretty much exhaust you so you can't get through the day and you can't mentally handle it either, it would seem that you are denying the existence of either a physical or mental issue or both in your life. It is not normal to be so easily exhausted. I don't know if its due to sleep problems, or depression or a poor diet along with lack of exercise, etc. People exhaust you. Well, in general, I can say I don't have much patience to be friends with anyone who has issues of a mental kind, not able to relate with people in general. I am not one to coddle and help a person stay stuck where they are. I only want to be with people who are at the same level as myself, or those who have acknowledged they have issues and want to hang around me to learn how to overcome them. Then I will work with a person. I left an ex who would not acknowledgement to a psychologist that he was the one with issues even though the Dr. saw it and explained it to him, an ex counselor friend saw it and suggested he see a professional.
You have basically blocked yourself from doing anything for work. Is it physically exhausting to be on your feet walking for hours straight? Is so, I have no suggestions. If you can stand on your feet for hours, try registering with a dog walking service in your area. Sometimes there are websites where can place their ad if they provide a service like lawn work, babysitting, dog walking and what you charge and the site helps people looking for those services to find someone. It could be a pleasant summer job and you work as many hours as you want and take on as many customers as you want. You don't have to deal with humans other than dog owners for small bits of time. If a vet clinic or animal boarding place for people who have pets and cant take them on vacation needs extra help during summer, its possible to get just a summer job there handing the overflow of more animals due to the season. But you'd have to find such places in your area who are not advertising for help and go offer your services for the summer and see if they will hire you since its only for summer. That way, you interact only with the humans running the place, the vet but mostly with animals. Unless you can provide me with some real information, the truth, nothing held back, details as to why you want to avoid people and work of any kind exhausted you, I don't think that anyone else on here is going to have much to suggest either.

I want you to focus on this one thought: Whatever is holding me back now at college age, can I see it affecting my being able to get a job after college, can I see myself in a fairly successful happy life as an adult 5 years from now without anything changing inside me physically or mentally? Can I see the same in 10 years, 20, and so on? If you find yourself dreading the future, worrying about it as much as you are over just a summer job, then something is wrong and needs to be adjusted before you can move on to a successful life after college. I am sorry if it hurts you to hear this but I only share what I feel is the most important thing a person needs to hear when they ask for advice, its usually the question that should have been asked but wasn't but pertains to the result the asker wants. This pertains to you, the problem behind your question for jobs, the problem you did not even realize was a problem but I felt you needed to come to realize that. I may be the only person brave enough to ever say so to you and its something you need to hear if you truly want to find a way to be able to function in society and have a comfortable life of your own now and after college. I grew up as a child have extreme social anxiety. By time I got to my Sr. year in HS, I was concerned how it would affect my future, handling a job, having friends, finding someone to marry, etc. and I knew I had to take care of this because if I didn't, it would affect the quality of my life after HS. SO I am not prattling on just for fun here, I know how sometimes, something about a person can prevent them or lock them out of most possibilities in life. I am healed of that but haven't forgotton what its like and in some ways, what you wrote reminded me of myself back then. I missed out on alot of things in my childhood and teen years because of it and have regrets. But I am glad I did something and It didn't last any longer than that.

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Thanks for the advice for my question "Major crush on this girl" , I now feel much more confident with myself. I livestreamed today, she joined, and I didn't turn the camera the other way this time. I think I turned a little red but nothing too major, however once again things were going fine until she joined then I got a little tongue tied and ended up repeating myself over and over again. How can I stop getting tongue-tied when this girl joins?

Well, you're the first to respond back by posting to where everyone can answer. So if anyone else in curiousity read this and also has advice on how to stop getting tongue tied, please join in. In future, if you wish to post your response only to the advicegiver who originally answered, you have to go to their advice column by clicking 'search for advice columnists, put dragonflymagic and when my page is up, click the button for submitting a question. Now on to your question:

Fear again is behind this and if I didn't say so last time, fear is like a puffer fish, it blows itself up to look so formidible and scary but if any other fish hung around long enough, that fearful looking creature would turn back into its tiny self eventually.
I personally have found fear to be the same thing. I am very familiar with the being tongue tied, or the face of red embarrassment. I didn't learn until leaving HS how to get over a fear of talking to people. But there can be selective fear, when you have no fear of others and can talk just fine and it only crops up because a certain person is important to you. As scary as it may sound, facing ones fear is what you are already doing. The real scary part comes to when you admit that you get nervous when talking to girls. (I wouldn't reveal at this stage that its because you have a crush on her-explanation later) Everytime I admitted my true fear, like of not knowing what to do or feeling that the last thing I said sounded stupid or that I get nervous sometimes when I speak, that's way scarier than just attempting to fake it and muddle through.

However, here's the bright side. It didn't take but seconds if as much as a minute before I could feel the fear leaving the moment I could admit it was there. It's like a bad guy feeling the police just recognized him and they don't want to get cornered by the police, so he runs. Yup, thats what fear did every time I faced it and admitted I knew it was there and what it had done to me. Fear felt cornered and took off running. I felt like it was almost as if I had just waved a magic wand...it was that quick and easy. But not everyone is brave enough to even try and so they suffer. I can't explain how my blushing stopped but I believe that in time, it happened less and less as I grew in self confidence and had no problem admitting any issue. I still do it all the time as an adult. I'll take you back to when I first met my 2nd husband to be, online. We began to chat every night until the weekend when we could meet. Just from how he spoke, I could ascertain he was a very smart man, well educated. I didn't say things like distorted thoughts would not happen, but I handle them differently. If I had focused instead on worrying how uneducated or stupid I might sound to him, I might have clammed up and with my assumptions felt I was too far beneath him and stopped talking to or meeting him.
Instead, I paid a compliment to him and admitted how I felt. I told him he came across as so well educated and smart, smarter than I was, having only graduated HS, that I felt I was too beneath him, that he would grow bored of me. Remember, I am an adult facing this at close to age 50.
People know what it feels like to bare your secrets, how vulnerable you are and most people will always say something encouraging back. Other than some teens that have not yet learned to have compassion for others, (you ignore them) I have not found anyone yet who has shot me down and ridiculed me after I admitted where I felt I was lacking or an issue I struggled with. And the same happened with my husband. At the time he was surprised that these thoughts had come to me. I remember his words back to me. Wisdom is something that can't be taught with college textbooks. A person can be book smart, pass all the grades and yet lack wisdom. Yet in me, he saw great wisdom and he found that as one of my attractive points.

Wow! Talk about a major self esteem boost. But he was only speaking the truth. And I have never ever felt like that again with anyone else I have been talking to, as if I were too uneducated for them.

Now, I said I'd get back to admitting ones feelings to another person. Whether one says I am crushing on you, I like you or I am in love with you, if the recipient of that info does not feel the same way back, they immediately shut down any further contact because it would feel awkward hanging with or chatting with someone you don't have romantic feelings for but they had it for you. I remember some guys in HS who trailed around after me cus they were crushing on me and I found it so painfully awkward when I knew they wanted to be my boyfriend but I didn't feel that way about them so I did whatever I had to do if I saw them coming, like run the opposite direction. Its a part of human nature. If you had a girl you couldn't stand, who had a crush on you and was forever coming up to talk to you, you would wonder if talking to her would only encourage her that you changed your mind and now like her too and would make the problem worse, right? Or something like that. Its best just to be classmate or close friends for quite a while. If she hangs in there with you, even after you have told her that you get to the point of blanking out and not knowing what to say whenever you believe you are facing a very intelligent, confident person who is so far above you, then she may be a true friend. The next step would be asking if she'd like to sit with you at lunch or at the next assembly if possible or asking her if she'd want to go for a walk or bike ride, something that doesnt sound like dating yet. Then spend more time hanging out as friends. Once you have spent enough contact time, face to face, not just in computer, or texts and phones, then it is reasonable that you and she have had a chance to get to know each other enough to realize whether you are both wanting to be more than friends now. Save this following part somewhere for the future:
When you are ready to admit you like or love someone, I have read several experts on relationships and communication say the same thing, that it is better to lie a bit and say that you are 'starting' to feel attracted romantically toward them. If the other person doesn't feel the same way, they are more likely if they believe this is 'at the beginning' of how you are starting to feel, rather than its been ongoing for a while, to let you know if they don't feel the same so they can nip that in the bud so to speak. If they feel the same, its more likely she'd be happy and excited by her face or she actually says she likes you too.

I still felt that might be a bit awkward so I came up with this alternative. "Hey Susie, we've been doing so well as friends all this time. It makes me wonder how well we'd do together as 'more than friends.' What do you think?

FIrst: you acknowledge the friendship and that it's a good one.
Second: Stating 'it makes you wonder', is the same way of disengaging a persons reaction to shut down or run as the tactic of stating 'you are beginning to feel the feelings like more than friends'.
Third: This sounds like a muse, a 'what if' thought, not as something that actually is true for either of you right now. This is not a time to admit anything yet. A thought not yet put into action is not going to feel scary to her. This works for girls on guys same way.
Four: Mentioning 'more than friends' rather than girlfriend or boyfriend is obvious enough. There are two kinds of basics in a couple relationship, friendship and romance. The only thing that a good friendship lacks is the feeling of romance and all that leads to. Add romance and its couple time with commitments and becoming lovers.
Five: Asking what she thinks is something you will have to be okay with if the answer is not what you want to hear. A person is more likely to be disarmed and actually answer the question as easily and truthfully as if you have asked their opinion on something else. A person can usually tell if there is not any chemistry of the romance kind. They lack feeling that special excitement around you, that tingle when you look at them, etc. you just know, and so would she. If she likes you as even a best friend but doesn't feel the attraction and romantic feelings after a good amount of time as friends, then she can be certain she won't ever feel it. Its there or it isn't. I've met the nicest men with whom I wished the friendship could be more but neither of us ever felt romantic attractions to each other and it had nothing to do with looks, as the same happened with a guy who looked like a male model. No matter how delicious looking, once I got past how good he looked, I had to admit as he did, that we couldn't feel any spark, not in kisses or more.

I am sure you can see how this tactic wouldn't work to just walk up to a girl you've never befriended. There is a reason for that dear. THe most successful relationships between two people, dating or married have both of the following elements: They are each others best friend and they are each others sexual equal- I go straight to that even if I don't know your age because eventually with adults, the romance progresses on to showing each other your love through sex. So its important to become friends first. Romance may follow later, grow into it or it may be present at the time you become friends, but its best to not overlook doing friendship stuff before launching into romance and sex.

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I'm 24 and these ladies at work keep talking crap about me behind my back/when they think I’m not listening. These ladies are around my age and talk about me in Spanish. They also make racial comments like calling me a mayate. I understand every word. I want to avoid confrontation since I don't want to work in a hostile environment. All that would do is make them more hostile toward me and they’re really popular. I really doubt they would get fired since they've been there for years. I've only been there for 1. I should also mention that I don't do anything wrong. I’m nice, but quiet and will help with work if anyone asks. I work very hard and don't talk to them. I'm not mean or cold, I say hi and goodbye, but I never tell people about my personal business. I know the second I share a detail about my life they will turn around and talk crap. This happened to me at another job, coworkers talking crap in Spanish and not knowing I understand and I just quit, but I don’t want to quit this job. How can I deal with this?

I want to be another vote for following advicemans suggestions. HIs point that a boss may not understand Spanish and just assume everything they are speaking is just normal conversation in their more familiar language. You might be the first who knows the language well enough to know what they are saying. This falls under racialremarks which do not belong in the workplace or anywhere in public. If someone is racist at heart, the only place they can do so without getting into trouble is at home.

I looked up Urban dictionary to find out the current meaning of the word. It states that Mayate has 2 meanings, the older one of mayate being a dung beetle. I saw a documentary once on dung beetles and found it interesting.(however the likelihood that they have been talking every day about dung beetles is not possible at all.
So that brings up the other meaning and most used now.
2 Mayate is a word used by Spanish speaking people as a racial name calling of anyone with darker skin. Even if by chance you are not black but white, it is still being done in an uncomplimentary manner. I am sure theres a word they use for white poeple they hate as well. Either way, they are trying to get away with racial bullying.
I did some looking up for the term. Racial profiling and racial discrimination don't seem to fit since they are not cops or your employer. But racial bullying is a real thing and what you want to have addressed at work so it no longer happens. So the boss needs to be made aware of it. If they don't handle it or the people don't stop, they can't fire all at once and be without employees so I can't say what a boss might do. I would make sure to check if its certain people or if you have heard all of them use the word or agree with it. You wouldn't want the one who is innocent and just doesnt want to get on their bad side so they stay silent, to be one who also gets in trouble. But if it doesn't stop, you'll need to report it as adviceman mentioned.

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Me and this kid, lets call him Liam, have been friends since I moved to thia school. He had a girlfriend at the time, and me and her were good friends. Me and Liam often ride the bus home together since we have the same bus route. We were riding home one day and he got a boner. I understand, it happens sometimes, especially to teenagers, so I let it slide. After that he started telling me things that you only tell certain people, like his fetishs and personal stuff like that. I pretended like it was fine, but it really wasn't. I regret doing that. He really crossed the line when he started masturbating on the bus beside me, and then putting that hand on me. I pretended like it was okay again. I have a problem with being way too passive, and trying to avoid conflict, even when it bothers me. The year ends, and I don't see him until next year. He apologizes for doing that last year, and I think he's changed, nope, not at all! He's way too open now. He still talks about his fetishs, and he even told me about his urinary infection. He asked me out a few weeks ago, and I denied. Now he calls me cute and adorable all the time, and it's seriously making me uncomfortable. I've tried talking to him about this, but he just won't listen. The girlfriend has been out of the picture since this school year started. I'm thinking about talking to this certain teacher about him. I trust him more than my own parents. I'm just scared that I'll get in trouble for pretending that I was okay with all the things he did. I really don't want my parents to know either, knowing them, they'll over react. I'm at a loss for what to do.

Hon, there are grown women who are sexually harrassed in public or at work and are too scared to do a thing about it. I remember being in HS and several guys in class talking about condoms and using them and bragging right there in front of me and my girlfriends. Luckily it wasn't more. I also was with my sister and girlfriend, having just gotton out of car for choir practice in church parking lot when a guy ran up behind us and tried to grab at each of us but got me mostly and we were all fighting him off, then he ran. I didn't tell anyone because I knew the parents would forbid us going off to church alone ever again or anywhere else for that matter. Something like that is random and not likely to happen again. But in your case or for a woman at work, guys know how to take advantage of how badly the paycheck is needed and fear of finding new work for one, and for young teens, a girl is not as self assured and less experienced as to how to handle such a situation. This guy you mention realized you had no idea what to do and used that to his advantage.
You certainly need to tell someone. So tell this teacher or if you have a counselor at school, then talk to them. If nothing is resolved with talking to them or the guy continues to be allowed in school and he doesn't stop, it then may become a police matter. I wish you were brave enough to say something to the guy so he knows you've grown some balls in the last year and will tell him off and not let him get away with anything. I had social anxiety as a teen so it wouldnt have happened for me but the person I am now would have said, "I do not care to hear about that. Thats inappropriate so stop now. In the bus, if other seats were available I would have got up and moved. If no seats were available which is usually the case, I would get up and walk up to the bus driver and let him know that the guy I had a seat next to was sexually harassing me. The bus driver is the only older person there and has to keep control of the bus and its passengers. If a city bus driver is having trouble with a really bad person on board, they can and will call police to meet them on their route and handle the troublemaker. I would think that with students, the laws are pretty strict too. I would not have ever sat next to him ever again after the first incident, even tho I was too scared to say anything to his face. If its an assigned seat number, then I would have talked to my counselor about that so he/she could reassign seats or talk to the guy and promise detention if it reoccurs. If he is doing all this now hon, I hate to think of what he'll be doing when he is an adult and out there in the world. Will he be sexually harassing women or raping them? Sometimes, not always, but if a person gets in trouble for their behavior when they are young or in this case, if enough females make complaints to the authorities of the school, the workplace or /and the police, then some guys may correct their behavior or have to go to counseling to stay out of jail or get locked up if they are a repeat offender. Think of this as doing something good for other females. I wouldn't be surprised if he has done this to other girls in other settings. You're just the one he;s doing it to now. Who has he treated like this before focusing on you. He also would not be still focusing on you if there was not some reward in it for him. Same with bullies, they bully because they get a kick out of making someone miserable or cry. He gets a sexual kick out of doing this and wants to continue and try to get away with worse. I'd be afraid of him cornering me some day somewhere where no others are near enough, when he's brave enough, and try to get away with raping me. If he doesnt get his hand slapped now so to speak, that is certainly a possibility. NOt trying to scare you but you need to think of the near future, and what could possibly happen. You've seen his behaviour progress for the worse. Without the authorities stepping in to warn him, he might continue to escalate the sexual harassment to something a lot more horrible. So for your sake and the sake of future women who come across his path, you really have to say something to this teacher or a counselor. Please don't chicken out and do nothing.

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Hi my boyfriend of 4 months day, you’re very raunchy in bed and very loud in bed and I love it. What does he mean by that? Is that a good thing? I mean we do love each other and known for a year before we recently started to date also he talks dirty with a lot, says he’s trying to get me into positions that we’ve never tried before. Not me but he sends pictures and says do you like that I can do that for you to please you. He’s 29 and I’m 28. A very nice boy. So guys explain please what’s he saying. I mean we both love sex very much he loves it as much as I love it. Thank you all!

I was about to open with the same sentence as Adviceman until I read his, so 'ditto'.

I am a female and I don't believe its a one sided thing meaning only a guy would say it and a female wouldn't. But as he shared, I also wouldn't use raunchy to describe my husband in bed because I am also older and of two main meanings of raunchy, the one it meant in my time was disgusting and nasty. However Urban dictionary seems to catch lots of the new or most used meaning for words that have other meanings and new words younger people now use. So if you go to the link I've posted, you will see the votes of people as to how many more use the word raunchy, to mean horny, sexually exciting or explicit. So he used the right word for his age group. But what is most important is that he said 'I love it!"



https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=raunchy

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My school is going to Florida, and my teacher is taking us down to the beach. I can swim alright, but I feel really self conscious in a swimsuit. I'm on the heavier side, and I have stretch marks. What would be an apporpiate thing to wear on the beach that doesn't show much skin, and doesnt attract anyones attention?

If you are female, there are lots of beach cover ups, light weight cute one piece articles of clothing that are worn over the bathing suit. Then no matter what sex one is, wearing an extra large tee shirt the entire time over a bathing suit should be acceptable. I used to attend a church that felt if the church goers were all at the lake for Memorial day picnic, (a tradition) that no skin should be showing of chest, torso and upper legs. Arms and lower legs were okay to have uncovered. And I had never seen so many people wearing tee shirts in the water in my life. Although it was for a different reason, that shouldn't be seen as weird. I have seen people at the public pool, not often but if someone outgrew a bathing suit and it wasn't summer where you could easily buy a replacement, then they wore shorts and tee shirt into the pool. Someone might ask why you're not wearing a bathing suit. So you can either say, you want to avoid burning, or say you outgrew the suit you had if you don't want to be embarrassed by telling the truth. In fact, it is no ones business why you choose to wear it, but you know people and curiosity. And it always sounds more polite if you fib on this rather than pretending you didn't hear them or saying you'd rather not say or that its none of their business. People with low self esteem can take any of those actions the wrong way and be hurt or upset. Ultimately, how you choose to explain or not is your choice. Good luck and have fun.

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My 12 year old son acquired a pair of police issue handcuffs as a Christmas present from his uncle (who works at a security supply store). I don't know what gave him the idea (maybe he saw a clip from an old sitcom online?), but he persuaded his 10 year old sister to spend a day cuffed to him. I didn't protest as they were both willing and I figured they'd both be sick of it within a couple hours. But I was wrong. They remained cuffed until bedtime, having a blast the entire time and without complaining once.

My oldest daughter (age 15) was as bemused by this as I was. When she was challenged by her little sister to try it before knocking it, she agreed to spend a day cuffed to her the following weekend. They asked me to hold the key and to not let them have it until the next morning, as they intended to try and last 24 hours together.

Unbelievably, they made it through the night and seemed to have enjoyed the experience. They even agreed to do it again sometime.

When I asked my oldest to explain the appeal of this to me, she said it was hard to explain. She guessed that it was because you really have to pay attention to the person who's attached to you and thus it's a real bonding experience, no pun intended.

She then said if I really wanted to understand, then the two of us should spend a day cuffed together sometime. I laughed at the time, but now I find myself considering the offer more and more, to the point of contemplating how we'd handle the bathroom issue and where we'd sleep if she wants to spend a full 24 hours together. Am I crazy for wanting to give this a shot? If it helps me bond with my daughter, what could it hurt?

Bonding is always good. Using cuffs with two siblings who are same sex so bathroom issue is no problem sounds good to me. But there must be other ways to bond. If it is simply to learn what life is like in the other persons shoes, one can go along with the other to do whatever hobby they like, and there is a 'bring kids to work day' official somewhere on the calendar. I don't see why you must wait for that. Clear it with the boss. Bring daughter to work with you one day, uncuffed and you go to HS with her one day. I only caution finding something else to use other than handcuffs. Handcuffs have two ideas associated with them, a bad person caught due to a crime and the other when used in BDSM. You could cause a lot of complaints and even investigations into the family to make sure that you as a Dad are not cuffing daughter to yourself as a form of punishment or some odd type of Daddy-daughter dom thing. I realize you can explain this to people who stare or ask but I would be afraid of people not hearing the explanation and calling authorities on you. I have a possible alternative.
It would have to be something you make. Still using the idea of having wrists linked together, try the hardware stores multi use stretch cord with the hook at either end. Bend hook closer together so it can not easily slip back off when linked around a bracelet of some other kind of stretch cord or it doesnt have to stretch. The stretch also makes it more comfortable than the hard jerk against your arm if lets say when walking you trip and the other doesn't. The metal cuff around my wrist I know would hurt. A handcuff with use of a key makes it look like she's kept a prisoner but cord tho it gets an odd look or two, most people will realize some special challenge is going on between you two. That way, its easy to slip ones end off and go to the bathroom alone and reattach as soon as they come out. When two people are sleeping and in dream state, one does not remember nor have to do any considerations of the other so sleeping linked together is not necessary and if the word got out that you did do so, I'll bet CPS may make a visit to your home and it doesnt matter if wife/mom gives permission and is okay with it. SO I recommend an alternative to handcuffs and at bedtime, the thing ends and if one wants to make up for the sleep time, then link up the next day again.

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I play this game online where you get free stuff in the mail called very dice. You get tickets to reedeem items by watching videos and doing surveys. I was wondering if I would get snacks like Debbie cakes and chips and other things like that from this app would they still be fresh? It usually takes 2 days for the prizes to come. If anyone else would want to play please use my referral code 1479361.

YOu need to find a phone # or email to contact the company and ask them these questions. You could be lucky and one person on this site has happened to use the very same freebie offer. And they could give you an answer. But you are not asking for info that falls under generally easy answered questions. I only want to save you time of sitting here waiting for an answer when you might not get one and you'd still be wondering.

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OK, so I'm in a few classes with this guy, but I sit near him in my history class, and whenever I'm trying to do my work, he tries starting a conversation with me, usually about personal matters, like how hungover I was. I probably should have expected questions like that because I regrettably posted pictures of my drinking on social media. I had a drink called Magners, and he mocked me for it saying "Why did you have to drink the CHEAP Strongbow?" We all have different tastes and personally I don't think Strongbow would taste nice. Plus I don't come from the richest family in the world, and they probably thought Strongbow was too expensive (this was at a new year party). A lot of people made little digs at the alcohol situation but I didn't mind it because I knew they were joking and having friendly banter. However, for some reason, this guy seems to hate me, and continuously jokes about the alcohol situation. He also asks why my social media accounts are weird, even though all I do is repost memes and facts from other accounts. He can't judge anyone's social media for being weird, when he takes selfies that make him look like a duck who experienced a bad car crash. He could be judging certain posts though since every 100 posts is a pic of my eye, but even so, he can't mock me for it because my eyes are brighter than his future. Now I'm quite a shy guy, and I'm not interested in having a conversation with people when I'm trying to focus on my work, but he thinks I'm ignoring him and being rude. All this week he's been asking me "What did you get for Christmas?" and I've ignored him because 1) I don't want to talk to people who I can't tolerate and 2) It's none of his business.
I'd rather focus on getting good grades than telling this guy my Christmas presents but he can't seem to take the hint. He's got a very shrieky voice as well, and I don't understand how anyone could be friends with him, and be able to put up with a) his voice and b) his overall attitude. He was temporarily excluded for 2 days a while back, but personally I think he should have been expelled. What can I do to avoid this guy talking to me and mocking me?

There are more and more people, even older adults in this world that are having issues with how to interact socially with others. I now have3 different people in my life, one family member married into the family who all have Asperger's syndrome. This means the person can not take a hint that anyone does not want to talk to them, not the body language, not the actual words to stop and will go on and on. They most of times do not address you by name to get your attention but just start talking and assume you can hear them. I have had that happen constantly when I'm out in public. Theres a few people who seem to target my husband and I, I guess we send out good energy and they are attracted to it but we can't stand them at all. The only thing is we have no reason to get them expelled from Starbucks lets say, but if talking in a library and bugging us while we try to read or use internet is a situation in which we can ask a librarian to talk to them. Your situation is one where you can ask for help because you need to be able to focus and do work in class and any class he bugs you in, that teacher needs to know. Tell the teacher what you told us. HE/SHE can ask the guy to stop talking and distracting you or she could change seating. Most teens hate to complain and think it will cause more problems down the road. I can tell you that people with Aspergers or any other social disorder are not going to give up or get better. They need to learn about their disorder and learn how to work around it and what not to do and how to converse properly. So really, there's nothing you can say to make him stop. But teachers knowing and if they see a pattern, can make a school nurse or counselor aware of the issues and maybe at some point, some school official would call the parents and suggest that the boy get in to see a Dr. for evaluation. If he does have Aspergers, his life will go much easier in the future if he is given info on it, etc...the whole deal. He may not have it and there could be other issues, extremely low self confidence or other issues that if discovered can be then addressed. So as annoying as he is, saying nothing to someone else, is not going to help. If you find the guy continues to bug you when you've told each teacher where its a problem, then tell your parents that you've reported it to school officials and they have done nothing. They can ask to bring this issue to the principal at a meeting. You are sent to school to learn. There is no requirement to be best friends or on friendly terms with anyone in the school. If you make friends at school, that is only a side benefit.
So you are not required to be friends, only to treat him civilly, the same as you would any other person you come across during your lifetime where you are not drawn to them as wanting for friend. I know what you mean about the voice thing. There are people I can not stand beyond a certain amount to hear them speak because it is very irritating to me. I have one sibling like that, not that they have a weird natural sounding voice, but all their life, have spoken in a singsong voice as if talking to a young child, or how one might overcompensate when talking to a person with hearing difficulties, like louder and slowly as if I was too dumb to take it all in if spoken any other way. So although I love my sibling, at the same time, I can only take them in small bits and luckily they don't live near me. It's your choice to not want to talk to him even if this was the only reason. In hallways between classes, you'll find to find alternate ways to navigate without running in to him. If he persists on running up to you and talking a mile and minute, all you can do is say something like Hi Mike, or whatever his name is. Acknowledge him first. But then without any irritation or anger in your heart, you will need to make a request of him. I have the feeling you are not mean or hateful to people and therefore did not know of a way to say something to him or perhaps have tried and didn't get through to him. I have learned that if I have anger hiding in my heart when I talk to someone, it doesnt matter, a person won't hear my words, just pick up on the vibes. When you only feel irritated but not angry, let him know that he's just not the personality type or character that you seek for friends or even just conversation. SOmetimes I stretch the truth to get a point across. So its best to say something about how talking to you distracts you in class, even a sentence or two. And here is where you might say "I lose my concentration easily and when distracted, find it too hard to get my focus back on the teacher or the lesson. So you'd be a great help as a classmate if you would not talk to me in class anymore." The truth is you are distracted but adding in that you have a problems and get distracted easily may be the stretch of truth but it helps when trying to point out a negative like "you aren't the kind of person I make friends with' by adding a positive one like 'I need your help . . ." Usually I can diffuse any real negative reaction from people when I need to point out something that is kinda touchy and therefore difficult to say to someone. If he's not picking up on strong feelings of anger, then he will hear the words. Maybe he'll need a reminder but after that, he should remember and comply.

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I'm a 14 year old female. Sometimes randomly when I'm waking up or going to bed I'll start thinking depressing thoughts about my life and start sobbing. This happens often, and several times a day I'll start sobbing for no apparent reason or something small will trigger my tears. My mood goes from extremely happy and excited to extremely depressed very quickly throughout the day without any real triggers and it just makes me feel very empty inside.

I can't shake this feeling that nobody cares about me and that everybody hates me. I really wish I could tell somebody how I feel but the words just won't come out of my mouth. Often times I have trouble identifying the feelings with myself. I feel so far away and so distanced from all of my peers and my family. Even people I've known all my life and have always been there for me feel so far.

I don't know how to stop. Anybody know?

Your first sentence is very telling ...
"Sometimes randomly when I'm waking up or going to bed I'll start thinking depressing thoughts about my life and start sobbing"

You used the word thinking followed by start sobbing. That is actually a very normal human function for our subconscious to allow certain emotions to surface when thoughts are focused on. Think of when you've watched TV, in one movie the lead actor is mean and you begin to feel irritation and the adrenaline pumps as if he did bad things against you, not an actress, and you are finally feeling angry. Or your thoughts are focused on sad things in a movie and your emotions will follow your thought life again and you might cry. Or the same with good thoughts, you will end up feeling good. It only becomes a problem when people get into bad habits where they have distorted thoughts or negative thinking and as one pyschologist I've read called it, 'stinking thinking'. Its possible you may have some kind of mental health issues because of this comment:
"My mood goes from extremely happy and excited to extremely depressed very quickly throughout the day" My sister was like that but has physical issues and no Dr. ever thought to look at her mental health as well. So she is recently on meds and feeling tons better. What she described is what you said in that sentence of highs to lows quickly and Her Dr. found her to be 'Bipolar'. Now that she's on meds, lots of issues are gone. Then thirdly, there is another thing that may be affecting you, something I and every teen I knew suffered from when I was your age and same thing my kids suffered from but I knew about it and could help them through it. What is it?
Every teen just wants to be liked/loved and accepted by family, friends, and other students. Even when there are no problems in a kids life, they can end up feeling like this. And teen girls especially will second guess everything and usually its always wrong. But the biggest normal issues with teens that needs to be worked through is lack of self confidence, maybe bad self image and I had none at your age. By time I graduated, I wanted something better in life and knew I needed help and got it. When I addressed the issues of negative thinking and breaking that bad habit, and work on gaining self confidence, I found those to be my only problems and there was no mental illness remaining.
So it is more likely its a combo of all those things.
Now here is something you won't hear from a Dr. unless they are aware of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapt) and use it to treat patients. This is a non medicinal method that is employed first to see if any mental health issues are caused by distorted negative thoughts or not. If a person goes straight onto medication, then there is no way to know if they could be helped without meds which many people find don't help because their thought life was not worked on and retrained.

You will most likely want to tell an adult you trust about how you are feeling. Don't label it depression, just describe it. Don't label it lack of self esteem or self confidence, let a Dr. determine that. But you will need to be seen by a Dr. Therefore, it's best to tell the parents as they are responsible for all your care until you turn 18 and are an adult. You might not be able to put it in vocal words but you did well writing about it here, so write the details to your parents, or better yet, show them your question on here and my answer.

I am a parent too. I was very involved with my teens and they shared whatever happened during the day, any teasing at school, a friend doing something not nice to them, etc. I was aware of mental health and acceptance issues for teens and yet my oldest daughter hid it well that she was depressed in HS. She told me years later after having her 1st child and getting post delivery depression on top of the regular one she had always lived with. SHe chose not to tell me when she was in school. And as her parent, that hurts. It hurts me because I know how much she suffered silently when she could have had help and she is the type of person who needs medicine for her condition. No parent likes to witness their child suffering or hurt so yes, I still feel regrets, knowing that there wasn't anything I could do to help. I'll bet your parents would rather know so they can get you help.
Yes, you can be helped. It may be CBT only, a combo of CBT and medicine or medicine only and that is for a Dr. to figure out. Just to give your parents hope that you indeed can be helped and lead a normal happy life, let them know to insist on getting a Dr. licensed to use CBT, any Dr. who isn't will only put you on medications, no questions asked and keep trying new medications if any prescribed don't work and give you too many bad side effects. There is a website of a Psychologist turned into teacher of other psychologists and author to train about the use of CBT. It is not new, (around at least 50 years that I know of but probably a decade longer) more effective for the majority of patients with depression or other mental health issues.
That Dr./author has a website called
https://feelinggood.com/ It's too complicated to follow a book of his and try to diagnose oneself. I've read a couple and was cured of extreme social anxiety by the same things he mentioned for a person in his book that I did also as an 18 yr old, all on my own. Back then society and my parents just called it shyness and that wasn't considered something bad or something that could affect your life in a bad way but I knew it was and didn't want to go my adult life with it. It would be a handicap to me if I held on to it, doing nothing. I feel that if the parents need any convincing or hope, they'll find it in that website. Let me know how things go. Tell the parents or someone today and start getting the right help from a Dr. licensed in CBT, just in case.

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I am 14 and I want to give my boyfriend a boner. I’ve sat on his lap, made out with him and everything and I have never seen a boner. Help!

Young people these days are starting puberty much earlier than when I was in that age range. My girlfriend started just as she turned 13, I was almost 14 when I started and back then that was considered the earlier start, no ten or twelve yr olds going through puberty. So I wouldn't say he is necessarily late. If he doesn't get erect, he may not yet for a while. However if he's willing to make old with you on his lap, its not because he isn't feeling the desire to do so, he may just be that nervous if capable of getting a boner, just because you may be the first person he's ever done this stuff with.
For every girl who writes in asking how to give a bf a boner, I give the same lesson: You need to realize that at this age range, young males have like a hair trigger as far as what sets off them getting erect or a boner as you said. It can happen whether they want it to or not. It happens not only when a gal is doing anything with a guy. It doesn't take much. I kissed a bf goodmorning and handed him his coffee when a knock came on the door, a repair guy right on time. However now the bf is wearing a robe that is sticking straight out in front, so its obvious he's hard and he doesnt want to go to the door looking like that. All I did was give him a bit of a lingering kiss, not all that long, just a kiss and nothing else. So he had me answer the door while he escaped into the bathroom until he went down again. Some guys get their boners by just watching women, women walking past them, women they don't know but find sexually interesting. A person can speak a word that triggers a sexual thought for a guy and he's got an instant boner. This slows down for many guys as they get older so they can assume some kind of control over whether they get a boner or not. So really, the list of what can make a 14 yr old boy or one around that age get a boner is endless. Its easier to ask him what he likes and what turns him on. Ask if he's enjoying himself and if he is, thats all you have to worry about at this time. Its opening a can of worms to try to discuss if anything is wrong with him. If there is physically its probably a bit early for Dr. involvement so maybe in two years or so if nothing happens, he'll have figured it out himself.

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I am from Lithuania.

I had appendicitis about ten days ago, but only it was but got surgery six ago since it was a rather complicated case. I am due on my period starting tomorrow, and don't know whether or not it could get affected. My period isn't very consistent, but it usually is early rather than late. I have not shown any symptoms yet, and that concerns me, since I usually have severe abdominal pain right before my period begins. I am afraid that it may begin and I might confuse that pain with something being wrong with my surgery, since my body has taken too well to be true to it so far. Can my period be messed up after I have appendix surgery?

Adviceman is correct. It doesnt take much to throw a cycle off. Just coming down with a cold, or just getting over the flu has robbed your body of all its energy so there is none to make your cycle start and go do its thing. Worry and stress can delay or make it skip a cycle. Surgery is very traumatic and so the energy that would go to a cycle for you most likely is still involved in your healing process and growing stronger again. So if you tend to skip periods, then something like this will most likely affect your cycle and stop or delay it. Inconsistant periods are pretty normal for young girls going through puberty. It takes the body a while to get on the band wagon with all the new things its supposed to be doing and its only a matter of time. However once 18 19 and no regular period, it is then a matter of needing to see a Dr as something else may be affecting it. The only other time females may have very irregular periods is during the begginning of menopause. No one ever told me but when it started for me, it was just like it was for me at 14 when my periods were not regular monthly or lasted two weeks of spotting, only two days or skipped a month. I had periods and was on the end of getting it less and less regularly until I no longer got it at all. Not having a period does not mean you are pregnant. I will say that because so many girls assume when they have no period and they haven't been with a guy that mysteriously some sperm found its way in through layers of clothes, which is not possible.

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