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Crush on somebody who was only visiting, how to recover?
Long story short, they sent somebody to my workplace who's from out of state. I didn't like him at first, but over time I developed a crush on him and then found out the feeling was at least somewhat mutual when he started texting me and flirting with me.
I think as two adults we both realize it wouldn't work so we didn't actually make any moves, but I was still somewhat hopeful that maybe we could work something out. We made plans twice to spend time together outside of work, but both times one of us bailed...probably for the better.
Last week was supposed to be our last day scheduled together and he wanted to come over to my place, but I already had plans with my friend and he had made me somewhat angry with him when I heard him telling people how a work relationship just wouldn't work because he moves around so much and I felt like he was just trying to get in my pants. At the end of the day I went to give him a hug and he only gave me a side hug and that made me feel even worse after we'd been flirting back and forth all week.
I thought I had moved on from my feelings for him after not hearing from him, until today when he texted me that we were working together tomorrow one last time. I immediately became sad all over again because I know he's leaving back to his state in a couple days. There was initially a good chance I would see him again when he came back in a couple weeks, but now I've found a new job so I'll be leaving the company altogether soon.
My feelings are all over the place now and I even told him I was sad when he texted me to find out what I was doing and he acted surprisingly concerned and really wanted me to tell him what was wrong. Of course that made me feel sadder.
I just don't know what to do. I know the likelihood of us seeing each other again is very slim after tomorrow and I just need a way to come to terms with the idea that it just wasn't meant to be.
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First, since you call it a crush, I want you to fully understand what a crush is and what it isn't.
Crush: (noun)a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.
And so we need to see what infatuation means: infatuation is the state of being carried away by an unreasoned passion, usually towards another person for which one has developed strong romantic feelings.
A final description of infatuation from wikipedia:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
And from that link comes the best description of the most common type of crush: Three types of infatuation have been identified by Brown: the first, and perhaps most common, being a state of 'being 'carried away, without insight or proper evaluative judgement, by blind desire'.
So as you can see, Crushing is not based on reciprocal feelings, it's all occurring first in the mind, and what the mind focuses on, the emotions will follow. It doesn't matter if your thoughts are of marrying a Duke by the end of the year, if there is no reason for that belief, no actual true signs by actions taken by that Duke, not just promises, actions where the sum of the actions prove beyond a doubt that the Duke is in love with you, then crushing on him is most likely one sided, all in ones head.
I don't think it matters that the guy flirted and traded texts. That is more due to the type of job he has. If you had a job that required constant traveling as a female, you're still a human with needs for attention, to flirt and yes for sex and love. Would it be practical for you to marry and never see your husband but once a year because you're away all the time. We didn't even mention having a baby. Would you be traveling for a job with a baby? What happens if the child is school age. The child can't realistically be in a new school every week or two. As you can see, such a job is truly disruptive to leading a normal life.
I am not surprised you heard the following: "I heard him telling people how a work relationship just wouldn't work because he moves around so much" But its not just a work relationship, any relationship. The only thing that would work is if he had a female partner who was his wife and they couldn't have kids or didn't want kids and they both traveled together and were hired as a team to work places. And how slim are the chances of that exact situation coming up for him? Very slim!!!
Human females are naturally doing the same thing as animals when it comes to choosing a partner. The female deer will watch a fight between two male deer to see which one wins. The stronger one is important as a mate because that's selective picking of traits she will want in her children so the children deer have better chances at survival themselves. There are variables to the choosing traits but humans do the same thing.
Your subconscious mind may even pick up on something you like about a guy you come across. Maybe the looks, but I've known women to love a guys sense of humor, the sound of their laugh or chuckle, how patient he is, never losing his temper, being friendly and outgoing, being thoughtful with everyone, treating all women with something like reverence. I remember starting to do that with boys my age when I was a teen. I would watch to see what traits I like in a guy. This is helpful in finding a mate someday, just as it works for animals. But its more complicated with humans. Yes, some girls will be drawn to a guy simply by his looks like a female Cardinal is drawn to the male cardinals bright red color while she is a less vibrant color.
In looking back, even after HS, I found I felt attracted to men of all ages, even those old enough to be my dad. I did not assume it was that I might want a love relationship with those men. I knew about seeking for traits and would ask myself what it was about the guy that i was being attracted to. I finally had my list of what I was looking for in a guy, real specific but based often on only one or two good traits from each guy. The flip-side is that I also saw all the things about a guy that i would not tolerate, even tho I liked one trait. the thing is to find the majority of what you are looking for in one guy. It takes patience dear. The reason I am going into such detail on this is because it isn't until you understand this process and what is really going on, how females respond to and select males, that you will be able to let the feelings of the crush go. Is there a chance to see each other in the future or get together as a couple? Yes, but as you said, its very slim. It takes lots more for men to fall in love but takes no time at all to fall in lust, or as you said, 'wanting to get in a girls pants'. You want both in a relationship, not only lust, or love without the lust or desire. There are married women with husbands who really do not desire them and that's a sad place to be.
I doubt he intends to seek a new vocation so he can be with you. A daughter of mine met a guy like that. His home base was our city where his parents lived and a married sister but his job was taking aerial photos, like the kind you see on Google maps where you can see the details of an area with roads and buildings. His job had him on the road most the time and when he had time off, it was maybe a week but then he worked straight for weeks flying from one job to another. He knew he could not enjoy a long term relationship and only has a short one with her. the Daughter was devastated when he broke it off after only a short while of a few months.
I just want you to realize next time you see a guy and start crushing, that deep down, something in you noticed one trait or two that you like in that guy. Write it down. Compile that list of what you need in a guy (these are must haves and if missing, its a deal breaker) and a list of wants (these would be nice but you can live without so they're not a deal breaker) A deal breaker for one person may not be for another. I had a first marriage of verbal abuse so a must have for me was a man who treated women well and did not lose his temper, didnt yell, and did not speak demeaning to me. A deal breaker for someone else might be not wanting to have kids but the partner wants kids, and since there's no way to find a halfway point to compromise its a deal breaker. Oh yes, I know women who still married a guy like that who did nt want kids but the marriage broke up when she found she couldn't change his mind over time and she still wanted kids. I hope all of this is helpful to you. Sorry it is so long but I felt you truly needed the detailed insight to why you are still feeling something and want to know how to stop. Everytime you think of him, tell yourself, that thought must end because there is no real future with him. It will take being consistant and you'll find that he comes to mind much more often each day than you'd have thought. But be consistent and stop letting your thoughts dwell on him, same as breaking a habit, you have to do it over and over until the urge to do so is no longer there.
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