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Scared of telling him how I really feel...
Hello, my name is Jess and i’m 21 years old. I’ve been talking to this guy who is 22 for 3 months now. We’ve been on a couple dates and have hungout like 6 times now. When we’re together it’s great, we laugh and I learn more about him each time we hangout. My issue is though is that I am insecure. And I really like him and want a relationship with him. I’m afraid though that i’m Wasting my time. I feel like he won’t want to be in a relationship with me because he’s someone who doesn’t really express his feelings towards me. He told me he liked me but that was it. I’m afraid to tell him that I really like him and that I want a relationship with him. And when he leaves after we hangout I miss him a lot. I just don’t wanna tell him that and scare him off. I know I might be overthinking everything but I can’t help it and I’ve been hurt in the past and don’t wanna waste my time. Any advice would be appreciated!
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He probably fears rejection as much if not more than you. Guys do all the asking usually so understand if he is shy and not voicing feelings. He went out with you 6 times and hangs out with you now so obviously he has interest. If you aren't into someone you go out once not six times.
I think you just have to suck it up and talk to him about how you feel and if he wants to try and see if a relationship works or just be friends. There is nothing wrong with asking where you stand. It's normal and though a bit scary it's needed here. It is not the end of the world if he says no because there will be other guys. You have a ton to gain from this and nothing really to lose. Go for what you want.
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I can understand how you feel based on being hurt in the past. However I believe that age plays a great part in whether a person is going to make a good relationship partner. I'm not talking about you but the men. Since you are 21. I can safely assume that most the guys were around your age and therefore figure we're talking of being hurt by guys who are 20 or younger.
I realize there's always an exception to the rule but generally, most young males are only just beginning to explore sexuality and relationships with someone. They do not yet have in mind the person they are looking for to stay with the rest of their lives or even long term. For them, it's like being a kid in a candy store. You want to try as much as you can. If a certain candy is no longer carried in the store, he can live without it.
It's not until during the time he's having fun just dating and meets the gal he knows he can't live without that a guy is truly in love and would rather give up everything else just to have that special lady. Yes, a few already know what they want early on and are proposing marriage to the gal of their dreams early on but that's more like 1 out of every 10.
You'll have more success as the men you're interested in are older and more mature about relationships and what they want.
In the meanwhile, I think I'll share and paste in a document on how to find Mr. Right. Even if this guy is your Mr. Right, you can't be sure yet but I do have instructions on what must happen to easily discover if he is or isn't and if he isn't what you outline you're looking for, he will leave you. I used this outline during the time I was dating after a divorce and it sure helped me to not waste any time like hunting for a needle in a haystack.
I got down to what mattered to me. Was honest and shared what i was looking for in a guy and at this stage of just meeting, told the guys if they decided they could not meet my criteria, I'd have no hard feelings if they decided to leave.
I know this may not help you see how you can get to the next stage with your guy but even at 3 months, if you make your lists and share your wants in a serious talk with him, he can then decide if he's going after the wrong girl because he doesn't meet your criteria. If he meets it, then he should want to ask you to be his girlfriend and date for now. If he doesn't, but is the right guy, don't worry, some time away without any contact with you (including texts and calls) then is the only time he can discover if he feels incomplete, feeling something is missing and feels like he can't live without you. People too easily say I missed you without it being as dire as the other person thinks.
HOw to find Mr. Right
First, how well do you know yourself? I used a dating site 2nd time around. It worked for me to find my true love. However, to fill out a profile for yourself, to really describe yourself, your personality and who you are at core, is hard to do, like writing about your work strengths in a resume. So this is just as important as a resume only more so. You can easily leave a job that doesn't work out. Its much harder with a boyfriend or husband. So its best to be able to describe yourself well for those few you meet who may be promising. This is not just those met online but any you meet in person as you're out and about. They will have something specific they are looking for as well and need to be able to recognize the possibility that you may be the one for them. Or hopefully they will, if not, they may not recognize that you are the one for him and that is too bad for him. You want a guy who sees the real you inside too and will know he wants you, the whole package. You'll need this list or bio on yourself before you can form the list of what you are looking for in a guy.
So, ask yourself what it is in life that lights you up, makes you not just happy but content and feeling fulfilled. Ask yourself what is or are the passions deep inside that push you to seek out certain hobbies, pastimes, certain people with the same?
I'll give you an example. One of the things that make me passionate about certain things in life is that I am a nurturing person deep at core. This nurturing desire needs to be expressed and has been through several different avenues. For one, being a mother and raising my kids, now grandkids, loving planting and tending a garden, and yes, giving advice in an advice column. All of these things require a person driven by nurture, such as my wanting to be of help to you, to see you break free of whatever is holding you back in life or keeping you unhappy.
Once you have defined yourself with some really good descriptive words or scenerios, you will be drawing on this list to make a specific list of criteria of what is most important in a guy.
If you need help with the list of yourself, please just ask me and I will help.
Now, for the list of what you feel is Mr. Right for you.
Actually, there will be two lists. A list of Must Haves, things which if missing are a deal breaker because they are that important to you. Do not let any guy tell you that your criteria is extremely unreasonable. I got that often. It means the guy can't meet your criteria, can't meet your Must Haves and wants you to lower your standard for them and they don't give a crap about who you are and why these are your criteria. A deal breaker would be “I want a guy who wants to have kids” “I want a guy who isn't afraid to commit, settle down and marry” “I want a guy who is open minded spiritually and will allow me to believe whatever I do without trying to convert me to his belief” “I want a guy who never raises his voice to me and is able to calmly talk things out.” “I want a guy who isn't a smoker or recreational drug user”.
I for example am very allergic to cigarette smoke or the lingering odor of it. Guys who smoked met with me pretending at first that they didn't. Sitting across a table at a restaurant first time, I couldn't pick it up but when riding in their car on a later date it was heavy cigarette odor in there. He claimed he didn't smoke but later by habit pulled out a cigarette and felt it was okay to lie to me cus I might fall in love once I got to know him and the cigarette smoke wouldn' t matter. It mattered that strongly to me and pissed off a couple guys real badly but you have to stick with what you want. This helps to eliminate guys with major character faults, such as being inconsistent, liars, cheaters, etc....
Do not worry that this is extreme. In fact it has been found in tests done that men (the good ones worth having) are attracted to a woman who knows what she wants, a woman who will stick by it without making excuses or apologizing for it, not afraid to ask for or state what she wants. This attitude is basically having a strong self confidence and self confidence in a woman is what made these good men choose the confident woman over the model types in looks in a test case study.
The other list is the what you want, like the icing on the cake. It is not a need or requirement but would be nice. This list you don't share with the guy. Its for yourself in case you find several guys who meet all the critieria of your other list, to help you choose from among them.
So here is where you find things like, he likes to go dancing, he is a musician or sings well, he likes gardening, has interest in meditation, has long hair, has a 6 pack. I listed that I wanted a man who was height and weight proportionate. This means maybe there might be some chub but basically they will look reasonably okay without looking like a body builder. These things are not deal breakers to me, but if they are to you, then they're in the wrong list. This list is things you would like to see but if you don't get them, you can live without it, for the rest of your life.
I promise, these lists will help. You'll also refine it or think of things to add as you run across guys or problems that you didn't think needed to be in a list. Then if not using a dating site and posting these out there right in the beginning, at least on a 2nd date if a guy asks you out twice, (means he is reasonably interested in you) tell him you have something important you need to share with him. It's important to you. Then recite your list to him. If afraid you may leave something important off, have copies of your list in your purse to hand out to a guy. If he looks at you like this must be a joke or asks such, keep calm and smile nicely and let him know that you are very serious and have resorted to this measure because simply going out with just random guys in the past and into a relationship resulted in the wrong guy each time. It is okay to give examples if he asks. Make no excuses. If he gets upset or has a problem with any of your criteria, you could ask him why, but you can't rely at this early stage whether he may be telling the truth or not to get you to trust him and lower your standards. It is best to tell him you've decided to not consider him, as if he was an applicant for a job and his resume just isn't enough to get the position of 'boyfriend'. Think of yourself as your own human resources manager, looking for the perfect applicant for the available position of 'boyfriend.' Obviously, you will have to turn away many hopefuls. I even had some guys beg me to choose them by the end of a first time meet up. That killed it. Spoke volumes of them feeling insecure, wimpy as males, and having low self esteem, all of which I wished to avoid.
Hope this helps you.
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