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Really into this girl
15 year old male. I've recently met this girl at my Highschool, a grade below me (I'm a sophmore and she's a Freshman). I don't even know how I ended up liking her, but here I am. She's smart as hell, funny, gorgeous and talented. She's also unafraid of anything, other people would let kids get bullied, but she stands up for them no matter who is doing the bullying. She's even a bit snarky and I'd hate that quality on anyone else but on her I love them.
She also has a very caring and sensitive side to her. I have had a very difficult life-my father is an alcoholic, and my parents have never really noticed me at all. I've been used to having my depressed attitude and suicidal thoughts ignored by everyone, but she hears. She cares if I am sad, and she doesn't want me to feel lonely. Perhaps thats one of the reasons why I like her.
Whenever someone or something hurts her, I just feel so angry. I don't even get that defensive over myself, but I want to keep her safe from everything. With her, I've got no control over myself, and I can't get her out of my mind.
I've got a good friendship with her right now, and I don't wanna blow it. I'm not sure how she feels about me exactly, but she seems to like my personality at the very least. I want to try and flirt with her, but I can't help but feel like I don't deserve her, even if she did like me back. I'm so basic and plain compared to her. She is actual perfection.
I want to tell her how I feel, and how much she means to me, but I've got no clue on how. I've got no idea how to deal with this emotional crap, or what's wrong with me for falling to pieces over her. I'm afraid that if I tell her all this stuff-what I've written here-she'll think I'm weird and/or creepy. Can somebody please help me with telling this girl how special she is to me and that I like her without freaking her out?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
I like the suggestion of checking out Alateen. Since your Dad is alcoholic, this is a great support group to learn how to deal with having a family member who is alcoholic.
As for the depression, I can see how being in your situation, lack of the love and attention and care you needed growing up being missing, it makes sense you'd feel this way. Anyone would. However, there is a chance it may not be clinical depression. This type is due to the body not being able to create enough of the hormones the body should make on its own that are the neuro transmitters that help your brain to feel good as far as your mood.
Then there is the depression that is linked to a situation. It can be a once occurring situation such as when my daughter got depressed after her first boyfriend dumped her and it lasted 3,4 months before she decided to seek help. The doctor she saw was a one time deal freebie from her jobs insurance and other times would not be covered. The Dr. was trained in CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy and based on information she gave including the fact she'd had no depression before the event, only after, he gave her a list of things to do that will elevate the levels of the NTs, (neuro transmitters) naturally. This only works for people who do not have the inability to create their own, like a genetic defect. You can't know which you have but I am betting that being neglected in a way, is enough to have caused you a possible situational depression that is longer in duration than most situational ones because you have no way to leave your situation, being how your parents are treating you or lack there of.
And that is why I feel alateen would be helpful.
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
You already know that having this one female friend who is understanding helps. What if there were more who understood and may have helpful things to share based on their experiences? If however you feel suicidal, of course call 911.
NOw I will go on to talk about other things you've mentioned: "She cares if I am sad, and she doesn't want me to feel lonely. Perhaps that's one of the reasons why I like her."
This and the other list of qualities about her is naturally why you like her. As teens, we tend to start noticing traits we like in other people. Sometimes it's just in observing them from a distance and sometimes it's in how they treat you personally. Not everyone is lucky to get terrific parents. Parents are just souls on earth who have as much to learn as you do and sometimes an adult is too blissfully unaware of what they are doing wrong or they just don't care to do the right thing or to grow up and mature and learn how to be an adult. This does not reflect on your value as a person, each one of us deserves love. But lack of it from a young age can affect a person. To be sure you don't repeat your parents mistakes someday, it might be a good thing to get counseling for it which will happen if you see the right kind of professional. Even a Dr. trained in CBT will eventually prescribe medication if nothing else helps. However I have read plenty of statistics on line and at least 80% or more of people with depression can be healed without medication. Do not try to treat yourself, this is a serious matter. I will quickly post a link to a Dr turned teacher and author who discusses this and more. It should give you hope. However, I would still insist on getting a Dr. who uses CBT
Here's that link: [Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Next, you said:
Whenever someone or something hurts her, I just feel so angry. I don't even get that defensive over myself, but I want to keep her safe from everything. With her, I've got no control over myself, and I can't get her out of my mind.
I understand that quality in you well. It so happens my 2nd husband is just like that. It also extends to not just if anyone else has bothered me but if unintentionally, he did something to make me cry, without realizing it. So when he sees tears, his first concern and question is to ask if he did something that hurt me and he quickly apologizes. Then he never repeats that action or those words again because his want of seeing me safe, happy and unharmed, caring more about me than himself, is a part of what being in love is about. Having lacked the kind of love you required growing up may have made you more sensitive to its importance. So whether you think of it, or just react that way, it's part of you. I don't very often see young males feeling such fierce feelings for a female at this age. It's something that comes later as he grows older and matures. But simply but what you shared, if not misread or mis written by you, but actually the true facts, then I could safely say, its not just a crush or puppy love but love we're talking about. It may have come about first because of how she cared and reached out to you but theres a good chance, it continued to grow with you. You may have been attracted initially to that list of qualities you gave that started with 'smart as hell, funny, gorgeous and talented. She's also unafraid of anything," which would be a crush, a one way only of your feelings about her. However when she reached out to listen to care and befriend, your feelings likely grew. She may just be a caring person in general and reaches out to the under-dog in any situation. You'd know that if you've been watching her closely. If she's done that only with you, then it's more likely she likes you as a friend. She may only become a close friend in your life or perhaps theres a chance for her to become more than friends meaning a romantic love.
Here is where I share a Beware. Be aware that sometimes when a person is hurting, or lets say drowning, a drowning person is going to be most grateful and attracted to the kind person who rescues them. So far, its just her, but if you find yourself in the future attracted to and feeling these fierce feelings for anyone who is paying you attention and caring, then it may be your reaction and feelings are more due to the lack of having the kind of love and attention from parents. so even if this is the true reason you feel as you do for her, it is natural to react and feel this way. I won't say that this means this situation is a good one to base something like 'more than friends' off of.
You are right to not just go barging in and telling her your feelings. Many a friend has been scared away if they didn't feel the kind of natural chemistry to have romantic attraction to. A friend like that will never become more than friends and it is likely after hearing how their friend feels that it feels too awkward to hang with someone they know feels love, so they simply break off the friendship or a greater distance between them as friends, occurs. The best way to find out how she feels right now is to ask in a way as if you were just musing over a thought and asking her opinion of what she thinks. That way you haven't actually professed your feelings in a way to scare her off but leave it open for her to decide. If you do start dating, after a while when you;re both closer and have gained more trust of each other, would be a good time to share all of how you feel about her. At that point, its more likely to be a glue that makes your relationship stronger, with her knowing how much you appreciate her in return.
So heres't the magic words.
"Hey Karen, we've been doing really great as friends so far. You know, it makes me wonder how well we'd do as something more than friends. What do you think?"
I'd memorize that to say it exactly so, because this way is not a declaration of your feelings. this sounds more like curiosity, wondering if the friendship feelings could make a love grow, rather than saying the love is already there on your part. Asking her opinion is she sees this as possible, without professing to love her or even the phrase 'have feelings for her', there is no pressure to say 'me too' if she doesn't feel so. It won't feel as awkward to say no to an idea of yours or a suggestion rather than No, I don't feel that way about you. If she has the feelings she will either say something about okay lets try that or may need time to think and will still respond favorably. Or if she does not feel anything stronger than friendship, she will feel compelled to tell you right then its not a good idea. This way she doesn't have to say she doesnt feel that way about you but the message for you is loud and clear. Do this first. If she only wants friendship, then that can continue and you will have to be content with only that.
If she only wants to be friends, the most I would do is give a Valentine that is printed with 'for my friend' and let her know you appreciate her friendship very much and how you treasure that since you didn't get the same care from your family. Thats enough without more details unless she asks or knows. And giving a friend card for Valentines day is not admitting you're in love. the card industry has changed things so that grandma's give such a thing as a Valentine to her grand daughter or people so do for people other than their lover. SO it wouldn't be weird.
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Lets deal with one problem at a time as you have several to deal with. The depression you feel and the suicidal thoughts you have had are part of the overall problem you write about concerning the feelings you have for this girl.
Having suffered from depression myself I can tell you factually that depression does strange things to you. How we perceive things is one of the things most affected by depression. What you believe you see or fell is not exactly what you see or feel. The depression changes it. IF we deal with the depression everything else will fall into place as it should.
You say, "I have had a very difficult life-my father is an alcoholic, and my parents have never really noticed me at all." Your father being an alcoholic I believe, but you don't say anything about your mother. Is it possible for you to go to your mom and tell her how depressed you feel and ask her to help you get professional help.
If the answer is no then I would like you to do the following:
1) Go to a trusted teacher or your school principal and tell them you are feeling depressed and have had suicidal thoughts. By law they must help you get help by contacting the appropriate Child Protective Service.(CPS) CPS can arrange for you to see the proper medical professionals with or without your parents consent.
2)There is an organization called Kids Helping Kids. It is a hot line you can call answered by kids somewhat older than you trained to help you. It is totally confidential and you can tell them everything about how you are feeling and anything else you wish to talk about. Their number is 1-668-6868.
3) If you are having suicidal thoughts now call 911 and tell the call taker you are having suicidal thoughts and help will be sent to you. You do not need parental permission to call 911. They will dispatch the police, fire and ambulance to you. The police are sent to insure that Fire and Paramedics can get to you and help. In other words no one can stop Fire and Medics from evaluating you need for help. The fire department sends the closest fire truck to care for you until the ambulance with the paramedics arrive.
Doing any or all of what I'm suggesting should send a message to your parents about their legal responsibilities towards you. Their is one other thing I would like you do to. You father is and alcoholic. There is a group called Alateen which self-help group is part of alcoholics anonymous. The following url with take you to their home page and under al-anon meetings you can find a meeting close to your home. Go to a meeting makes some friends and learn how to live with an alcoholic father.
If you do these things and I know I'm asking a lot you gain your self-confidence and your perception will be better as well. With that you will be better able to read people and you won't need us to tell you what this girl is thinking which we can't tell you because we don't know her.
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