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dont know what to think! help
Been dating for a few months but known each other just over a year. both late 20's. we went out for a meal few times and kissed and been going out but not in public but he has a girlfriend and a 2 year old boy. now please guys don't judge me, he was not entirely happy when we went out and crossed the line by kissing and I had just split with my boyfriend at the time. we have said I love you to each other and he did fall for me really hard and so was I. he replies he's not playing with me when I ask him. Now, I asked him this the other day by where are we heading to this relationship, does he see us in the future, is he happy with her and he said, you need to live on the present and think about the present because you think about the future and you're to sensitive he says he can't guarantee to be with me because he's got boy with her plus she's never done anything bad to him says if he's single then of course we will go out exclusively, if she comes up to him says she wants to break up then he will come to me straight or one day if he's single then surely he will go out exclusively but not now as they're still together a boy they have, I asked him if he see them together for another 20 years and he got upset and why are you making an assumptions about everything, why, can't you enjoy the moment, i told him i want him to be with me but he says, 'WHY CAN'T WE JUST GO WITH THE FLOW?' WHY CAN'T YOU JUST GO WITH THE FLOW? he says he can't guarantee anything because he's still with her but as soon as he's single he will come to me. probably i might have asked too much he just got upset and said let's just be friends for now because you're a good girl and you deserve better. he says he loves her and he loves me too, i told him no you can't love 2 people at the same time but he said yes you can because you've never experienced like i have which i think is true as i only love him not other boys. so, what does he mean by go with the flow, he can't guarantee anything, he loves us both, when he said you deserve better than me, did he mean to says just go away??? i miss him though because he's a good boy with a good character. PLEASE HELP GUYS. though please don't judge me. does he see us into anything. he still says he loves me but he wants us to go with the flow and see what happens! he says i worry too much. thank you for the answers. I'M REALLY SORRY FOR THE LONG STORY
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Maybe give some free advice about: Love Life?
Oh my goodness, you need to take control of your dating relationships. Earn a guys respect. This one has none for you. He says you're too sensitive and to live in the moment without any rules or boundaries as to what you will tolerate and what you won't. You will need to become a lot more self confident before you will earn the respect of men. In fact, according to a test done on single men and women, men initially may have been attracted to the looks of model types who had low self confidence. However once they discovered the low self confidence, they wanted nothing to do with those women. They and the males who were first attracted to women with self confidence were pretty much all in the end. Self confidence in a woman, being able to set boundaries and let a guy know what you will and won't accept is irrestible to guys. I employed this while internet dating and only met for a coffee the first time. This first was not a fun get together, only talk and I did alot of it. I had a list to describe myself to the guy and also a list of what I was looking for in a guy. It was really clear what I wanted so if a guy could not meet all the 'must haves' I had, then he was out of the picture. I also told every man that just because I met him for coffee did not mean I automatically have chosen him. I was looking for a new life partner after a divorce and I had learned some things in life the hard way. I was not taking a chance either of assuming the face they first showed me was the true character. It was a good thing because most people put their best foot forward when meeting someone and revert to their real true nature after a while because it takes too much personal energy to continuously keep up a ruse. For example, I met a guy two times in public and he was great, really liked him. 3rd date was dinner he cooked at his place. The moment I arrived, he began to speak horrible of a maid he said he had and how dirty the place was. It was spotless. He went on and on using racial slurs and such. So I acted like nothing was wrong since I was alone with him. But after a few days when He called again, I told him I gave it a good try but just didn't find enough chemistry between us. That way I wouldn't get harassed later by a crazy guy and all guys seem to be okay with that explanation of not feeling chemistry. I do have a document I can paste in for you to read, on how to find Mr. Right. Even if you think you already have him, you will learn how to set boundaries, not to settle for less than you want out of a relationship, and learn how to put in words, in a list, what you want from a guy and expect and what is not acceptable. You can try it with this guy but he's already been spoiled and as you know, he already has someone else. I'll bet the reason he won't go out in public with you is due to fear that someone who knows him will see you and report it back to his babys Mama. If you want that document, then go to my column and write me from there asking for it. What I will paste in right now is a short list of questions you answer to see if he is a keeper or not. You need to be sure of where you stand with him. Adviceman and I already are pretty sure. But here it is. And if you have any questions, againj, write to me from my column.
DOES HE LOVE ME?
Either he's doing a bad job of showing it to you or you are doing a bad job of picking up on the signals.
Why some relationships aren't working in a nut shell:
Some women give their love and devotion to a guy who doesn't deserve it, who is wrong for her
while others no matter how plain and simple the signs are of his love and devotion, they don't see it or trust it because of lack of self confidence.
1 A woman's insecurity and neediness will kill a man's love
Do you love me, do you love me? No matter what he says or does, she never believes him, even if he's never done anything to earn her distrust.
2 It's impossible to love others and be loved by others unless you love yourself first.
Don't look to a man for all your self esteem and self worth. Have it already before relationship..
3. Men do not show love the same way women do. For them it's how they feel when she is around and how she fulfills the dreams of the woman he's wanted and how possessive he feels if another man was paying too much attention to her. Some women translate love into his obsession for her and devotion while men translate her love for him as being appreciated and respected.
7 Questions to know if he really loves you
1. Does he say I love you. For some, it's a hard thing to say but they show it to you in other ways. When he says I love you, he is viewing that as a commitment to you. It is not a flippant phrase.
Saying I love you too early like during first couple dates is a warning about the guy. Its a very good chance he is needy and wanting a woman to be his mom. Other phrases from a guy count too, like you're awesome, I adore you. You're the woman I always dreamed of.
2. Does he make you a priority in his life? Guys have more than one priority...things very important to him but you should be one of top 3.
What he does for you or how he acts can't be faked easily because it's hard to lie with your body. Things he does without having to be asked, making dinner, picking up something for a collection you have, making time for you, even if it's a walk or a long phone chat. If the guy likes you, he'll make time for you at least a quarter of the time.
3 Does he tell friends about you and like to show you off? Have you been introduced to his family and friends? If he keeps you separate, he's hiding something or ashamed or fearful of something
4. Does he care about your pleasure during sex? Is he only into seeking his own pleasure or your's too. Does he open his eyes and want to have both your eyes connect while making love?
5. Does he respect and encourage you? Respect means, does he value your opinion, do you share decisions and treats you as a partner. Are you encouraged by him to have your own friends and hobbies outside the relationship and encourage you to seek your dreams and uphold you in that.
Jealousy is not love, it's control. It's okay to be protective, but jealousy shouldn't be what prompts the protectiveness
6. Do your friends and family like how he treats you? Others make a great gauge for judging a guys character.
7. Does he look at you with lust and passion in his eyes, with a hunger and thirst for you? Does he give you admiring looks, does he still want to sneak peeks down your shirt. What he sees is Very important since guys are visually stimulated. If he isn't looking anymore, he has lost his interest. All men because of this natural trait, will also view other women but do so discreetly, without being an ass about it. Don't expect a man to look at only you. If he doesn't look at other women at all, it may be a sign that he is gay. You do want a man who is visually stimulated by women.
How many points are true for you with your guy?
7 true He treats you as a Queen and he is an exceptional man
5-6 true He loves you. Just don't focus on what is lacking.
3-4 true He loves you enough to make the relationship work for him. If it's enough for you, then be content. If you feel like you're settling for less, let him go and look for something better.
1-2 true He's a douche-bag, a user or controller. Leave immediately.
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You don't say where you are in your relationship with him but an old saying might fit here. "If he is getting the milk for free why buy the cow?"
Right now he has the best of both worlds. Whatever he can't get from the mother of his child he is getting from you. He has no reason to make the decision you are asking him to make. He is telling you in not so many words he has no reason to and does not want to or have a reason to commit to you or the mother of his son.
You are looking for someone to commit to a life relationship. He is looking to a buggy ride with no commitments.
My advice is to tell him you can remain friends without benefits. Without a commitment to a relationship that has the same values you have you cannot invest any time in the "Flow" as he calls it. You will be there if he needs to talk with someone but that is the most you can offer him.
Then have your pity party if you must. Then get back in the game and find a man who will love you and value you for who you are and your values. Someone who will want to make a life with you. This guy is not going to go that route with you or the mother of his son.
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