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Wife wants threesome with another guy
My wife came to me with a request that's really worrying to me. She wants to have another guy join us for sex. We are in our late thirties and have been married since we were twenty. I am the only guy she's been with sexually. Apparently she got the idea from one of her friends who has done this. She already has a guy picked out from an adult dating site. She hasn't contacted him yet. She tells me she wants to see what it feels like to be with someone else. She still loves me and doesn't want to do anything beginning my back. She was in tears when she told me this so I believe her. I agreed to do it but I really don't want to. I'm afraid if I don't she will do it alone as this friend of hers would tell her to and she is very persuasive. It all really makes me sick. I looked at the guys photo and he is substantially more well endowed than I am. My wife promises me it will only just be one time but I'm worried she will want to keep doing it. I just don't know if I can handle seeing my wife with another guys dick in her mouth or vagina out even his mouth on it. Advice please.
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My views on sex is that anything that happens BETWEEN CONSENTING ADULTS in the bedroom is not weird or wrong provided both partners consent. The OPERATIVE word her is CONSENT.
A threesome between CONSENTING ADULTS is not all that strange. You are not consenting therefore it should not happen. For you to go through with this just to satisfy your wife's curiosity could be the wedge that comes between you for you may never trust that she is not seeing someone because she enjoyed sex with another person. You see your fear that if you do is also a fear if you don't which you have expressed.
Part of me understands your wife's desire to experience sex with another man. It was her choice to remain a virgin until she met you and maybe until your wedding night you did not say. Now over a decade later to say she realizes she may have missed out on something and you have to allow and participate is being very self-centered.
In your position I would go to her and tell her I have changed my mind. That I cannot participate in a threesome with her anymore then I could ask her to participate in a threesome with me and another women. While the idea may be very titillating and even the object of fantasy for many it is not yours.
The thought of you with another man even with my participation to my mind would eventually come between us. To me once you taste forbidden fruit its hard not to go back for more.
You can of course put this in your own words Should your wife continue to ask for this threesome then I suggest you seek out a good marriage counselor for counseling as there probably more to this.
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I have a background of experience here in having gone to swing clubs with my ex whom I was married to at the time. Don't worry, it wasn't the swinging that broke up. He got worse and worse in mental illness and refused to get professional help.
So there is swapping and threesomes. In both cases, the majority of partners could not handle seeing their mate with someone else. There were very few people who could so don't worry you are no different.
What I can say is that in three somes, it can sometimes be that the 3rd person is female if the wife was bi sexual. However for a 3 some with another male, that would mean both males working on the female at the same time.
When two are committed to each other in marriage and want to try something different, it MUST be fair and able to go both ways. So ask her: if I wanted you and another female to work on me at the same time, would you be okay with that?
What she is curious about however is not having two men at the same time. She simply wants to know what another feels like, which must mean that you were her first and only.
SHe has done the right thing in coming to talk to you. When couples have an open marriage or one or both are thinking of trying another person, the most important thing is to not do anything behind the others back. I did a personal survey in the club out of curiosity and asked couples who was the one who first came up with the idea. Surprisingly, in about 75, 80% of couples, it was the female. There were also mini classes held to teach you a little bit of what works best for couples. The fact that you are not okay with it, means she would have to give up her idea of just doing it. If you do not give your okay on it and she does it behind your back, then that is cheating, no matter that she asked and you turned it down. My ex asked me first and I said no because initially I had that knee jerk reaction out of shock. Once I entertained the idea for a while and spoke to people on line who were swinging couples and learning ahead of the pitfalls to avoid and setting boundaries together, I decided to give it a try. Funny thing is, I had fun and enjoyed it, while my husband who was curious and wanted to experience it to begin with, did not do so well. I understand you agreed but you can change your mind anytime before it actually happens. You didn't mention having any kids. Even if not, it is best that you get a hotel room so the other guy doesn't know where you live in case he turns out to be weird. If you do not want to watch, thats how most men and women are, its a private thing and they don't want to watch cus they don't get a kick out of watching. Thats most people who do this. So what you could do is be in the hotel room if it has a separate bedroom. This is for her safety, not for you to watch. You won't want to hear it either but you might have to, in case she calls for help. Every once in a while, at the club, a guy who was a real jerk attended. Condoms were provided. But I heard one women say that they were alone with no one near enough to stop him and when she insisted on condoms, he didn't use one and forced her to have sex without. You do not want to introduce a sexual disease into your marriage and its way easier than you think because something like herpes can be passed even if there is no visible signs of outbreak. The rule when not being with your partner and a safe known quantity, is that 'No, means no' so even if a female first says yes but gets scared or changes her mind to no, the guy must honor that. If she is not the type to yell No,no no when coming, then there should be no confusion if you hear that. Of course this is all based on whether you decide to still allow it. She shouldn't be going into this simply because of curiousity. I've heard of bi curious women who try other women simply for the curiousity, not because they are attracted to both sexes.
One has to have the mind set that another person is not better, just different. Those two words were stressed a lot in presentations to new people attending club. You signed an agreement to follow all rules and not reveal names of more famous people who attended like a police chief or the mayor and his wife. So if going thru with it, don't do anything until you have both discussed in detail the rules and boundaries you set. I know of plenty couples where mates were swapped but they were somewhere in a room with 2 beds so each could see their partner and be ready to help out if the other is not comfortable. In fact, most couples doing something like this had a safe word. A way to communicate to their spouse that they want to back out in the middle of it. The easiest is, "I am developing a headache or migraine and just want to go home and sleep it off." Whenever one of us said that, the mate would stop and say sorry and we get dressed and go home.
So have many women been impressed by the size of the man and leave a husband for the other? I have seen plenty of men nude and can tell you that the average size is 5,6 and up to 7 inches. Only heard of one guy who was way shorter like 3 inches, cus his wife told me. There are a few guys who are longer but not many, its not like the guys in porno's with extra long length. Thats all for show and goes to waste. See, most women all have an average length of vagina too.
The truth is the average vagina is 3-4 inches long when relaxed. The vagina can expand by 200 percent when sexually aroused. This means that she really needs to be aroused enough for her uterus to change position moving upward and stretching the vagina to make more room for the average to above average length. I knew of one woman who wasn't very elastic, never had kids and couldn't take beyond a certain circumference. So if a man hurries it, it can be painful in that the penis hits the cervix, that knobby feature at the end of the vagina that feels like the tip of a nose.
Only once did I have a guy way longer than average and even with the cervix pulled up and everything stretched out to maximum, I could not fix him, so the penis would go to one side or the other of the cervix to get in further and that was painful. What happens is it hits nerve ending in that tissue and made it feel like charlie horse cramps down my legs. We tried other positions and there was only one that helped so I gave that guy up. Bigger is not necessarily fun. I also witnessed couples swapping where the wife did not have sex with the other guy, because she was not interested in extra sex but getting something she didn't have with hubby, an occasional male listening ear. Just wanting to talk with another male.
If doing this, you might want to have another rule, that if she finds she is starting to want to spend more time with the other guy, before she gets to the point of having strong feelings, then she must tell her partner and they both agree to stop seeing the other guy, gal or couple for sex. That happened to us 3 times. Couples who saw us often enough at the club and either the husband became jealous of the other guy or her of the other woman. I had one guy at a house party tell me I couldn't sit next to him because his wife got jealous. All we were doing is sitting, still fully clothed and he had his arm around my shoulders. And she could not handle it. So have the wife try to picture you having sex and making sounds with the other woman you never did with her and would she feel jealous? If she admits she probably would, then tell her you know you'd feel the same and that is why you changed your mind and are saying no. By the way, it's not uncommon to make totally different sounds with different partners. I can't say why but I know it to be true for me and know a few other women who would admit the same to me. Even as far as what the two do together can differ. If ones married partner doesn't like oral sex, perhaps the other sex partner does. This really is just about the sex, not falling in love with the whole personality of someone else to replace you.
However there is something called Polyamory where couples have their core relationship, and if married thats your mate. And each has someone outside the marriage that they love because of their personality and also love the sex but the focus is more on the relationship. Afterall, even married couples can't have relations around the clock, as we have other duties, jobs, children, etc. If you find you need to talk to me again with anything specific that comes up, just write to me from my column.
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