adviceman49's advice column | Page 221

home view feedback ask questions add as friend advicenators

Gender:

Male

Member Since:

June 18, 2009

Answers:

8136

Last Update:

May 26, 2019

Visitors:

140982

Favorite Columnists

storageanddisposal

Main Categories:

General Sex Questions

Abusive Relationships

about

My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.

The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.

advice

Who ever it is did it over the Internet and paid with a credit card but the people at the cricket store would not give her a copy of the card used. Why do you think that is and I also have the phone number but the phone is off could this help and thank you for your help

Phone number and the name of the store where the phone or app was purchased will help the police. The police Will be able to get the credit card number from the merchant the merchant is unable not allowed to give that information out to anyone.. Let the police handle this they are prepared to handle and they can resolve it

i've recntly had sex (with a condom) and anal with my boyfriend on different occasions.but my mum told me not to rush but the timing was right and i wanted to. should i tell her? im'm 16 and he's 19.

I cannot answer this question for you since I don't know what type of relationship you have with your mother. If you have the type of relationship where you can discuss these things then if you are comfortable in telling her you could do so.

If the only reason for telling her is so you can get birth control pills you do not need parental permission to do so. Under a law called HIPPA, which stands for Health Information Personal Privacy Act. HIPPA was passed by the U.S. Congress amkig it a Federal Law. Within the law is a section giving minors 14 years and older medical confidentiality when it comes to their reproductive systems.

What this means is any Girl or Boy who may have a medical problem with their reproductive system or organ who may fear going to a parent with; may make an appointment or seek medical help without parental permission or knowledge. Everything that takes place during such visits is totally confidential. Information concerning the visit cannot be released to anyone.

Should a parent accompany you to a doctors office where your reproductive system is to be examined the parent will be asked to wait in the waiting room as they need your permission to be in the exam room. The doctor cannot by law allow them to be theier or release any information. They can go to jailfor doing so.

This also means that should you want birth control you can ask the doctor for it and unless there is some medical reason as to why you should not have birth control pills. The doctor will write you a prescription.

With this knowledge you can decide if you want to tell you mom as if your only reason for telling her was so you can have her approve birth control for you. That reason is no longer a valid reason unless you want her to know.

You by law have total control over your reproductive health and reproductive system and have had it since you were 14.

Okay so lately i have been losing weight, the last time i lost weight, when i was like 14, i lost so much, in a very unhealthy way, i worked out alot and didnt eat much, and i stopped getting my period for 3 months but then it came again and i gained all the weight back and since then ive been getting my normal period every month, nothing unbalanced or anything. Now im 18 years old and ive decided to lose weight again, i started 3 months ago and basically ever since i started my workout conisisted of The Insanity workout and running. every day ill do a video and then go for a run, anyways something just happend that freaked me out, i was working out to insanity, and i went for my run and i came home and i found blood on my underwear, this has never happend before, now i would say that it was my period but i had already gotten my period ,and it was done 3 days ago, and so i thought it was done so i showered and it didnt come for 3 days and now suddenly i got a big red drop on my underwear, im scared i broke my hymen somehow? im not sexually active, and i dont really come near my area that much, the insanity workout does consist of stretching but i dont think the stretch would break my hymen i mean ive been doing insanity for 3 months ( i know its a 2 month program , but i finished it and started again), ive lost so much weight, but not unhealthy weight, i do eat but i eat very clean and i take a vitamin a day to give me the energy and nutrients i need daily, im just worried because never in my life has my period stopped for 3 days then came back again and im worried because i feel like maybe when i was working out i broke my hymen but it didnt even hurt at all, like my area was fine and i didnt feel any pain at all, and its not normal for me to break my hymen if i did so, its just a personal matter, and now i cannot calm myself down, maybe its hormone imbalance? thank you in advance, im sorry if its long. :)

Relax, I don't think you have done anything to actually harm yourself. I am not a doctor, none of are. For a woman to break her Hyman through exercise is totally normal. Many women break their Hyman and never know it. Some do so through bike riding, horseback riding or extreme exercising. Others do so when using tampons.

This does not men you are no longer a virgin. It has been a very long time since virginity was accepted to mean an intact Hymen. This definition of virginity started to be less the accepted definition sometime I would say between WWI & WWII.

Today's definition of virginity or virgin is: Someone who has not experience sexual intercourse.

While I am confident nothing is wrong with you I do feel it is a good idea to let your gynecologist examine you and make sure everything is as it should be. If something else caused the bleeding the doctor will find out while you visit.

I feel you just exercised to hard, something many people do. While you are with the doctor ask about a proper exercise plan and if you really do need to diet. Something else we have a problem with today is body image and we diet when we really do not need to. Your doctor will tell you why it is worse to be 10 pounds under weight than 10 pounds over weight.

My advice is to see your gynecologist and make yourself comfortable that nothing is wrong. Also ask the doctor about what your proper weight should be fro you frame size and have the doctor measure your BME. Then if you do need to diet ask the doctor for a proper diet and exercise program or like the last time the weight will come back.

im 16f and he is 19 year old male. we have known each other since i was 12. started dating him at 15. do yoou think hes too old?

Lets leave the question of whether he is to old aside since it is a mute point; given how long you have known each other.

What is important is the fact that at 16 you are below the age of consent in every state and he is an adult in every state. The law differs in every state and even with parental consent for the two of you to be seeing or dating each other he could get in legal trouble.

He being 19 is in danger of of being charged with statutory rape. This charge has nothing to do with whether you two have sex or not and everything to do with the fact that you two date and you are under age.

This is not something the police go looking to charge people with. It would take an overt act on your parts that involved police intervention or a complaint by a third party. Just what that overt act on the part of the two of you would be I can't say since I don't know either of you or where you live. An example would be if your town or city had a curfew for young people and an officer stopped you two while out.

By rules of most curfews you would have every right being out after curfew since you are in the company of an adult. The problem is he is not related to you. That is were the statutory rape charge could come in.

I see no reason why the difference in age should stop you from seeing each other as long as it does not endanger him legally. If he was someone new to you I would feel differently but you have known him long enough that the age difference is not the problem here. The problem could be a legal one that could mean jail time for him as well as having to register as a sex offender for the rest of his life.

My advice is to check the law where you live and make sure it is safe for him to date you. Ignorance of the law is not an excuse at trial.

So some one put a phone in my moms name and is sending people messages talking crap. Pretending to be her how could we find out who it is and or what can we do about it please answer asap

This is a form of identity theft and is illegal. This is not something you or your mom can handle by yourselves. The police do have the knowledge and know how to track this person through cyberspace. Even though this is most likely done through an APP and not through a phone registered in your moms name the police can track them through the electronic foot print.

This is definitely a police matter and I advice you mom to call the police. It could be someone who has a grudge against you and thinks this is funny. It is not funny it is illegal and the law takes a very dim view of it even if they are juveniles. Let the police handle it. Just don't talk about it to anyone once you make it a police matter.

I kickbox twice a week, I'm at the gym doing cardio on the treadmill for 20 and elliptical for 20 plus calisthenics and some light weights and lunges twice a week, I stay active on my weekends seasonally. Why is my butt growing? Is it simply diet...some junk in the trunk or could it also be an exercise I'm doing?. Help sheik the bit for me please!,

It does sound like you are building muscles in your butt and most likely in your thighs as well. A junk food diet would add to this problem.

To correct this problem, if affordable, a few sessions with a professional trainer to layout a proper exercise routine with you will help. A proper routine will help by concentrating your exercise in the right places. Should you still be in school or college, a physical education teacher can do this for you.

Then a visit to a nutritionist will help you with proper diet. Many health foods stores, such as Whole foods, have nutritionists on staff or ones who visit to draw customers to their store. Their advise is free thy may point you to products of the companies they are being paid to represent. You do not have to buy the products they recommend to get their advice.

What you want is advice on proper meal planning to support your lifestyle and workout routine. And yes you can have a small amount of junk food. As the saying goes man/women does not live by bread alone. You just have to limit the junk food to one a week; say on a date night.

I am 14/f. My best friend ( we will call her Jane) is being abused at home. We have told the counselors about it and i went with her for support. The woman who is abusing her is her dads girlfriend of 6 years who is still married to her ex husband. She is the one who is abusing her. She leaves deep nail marks that draw blood all over Jane's arms and neck> SHe drags her around the house by her hair and throws her around. It has made her head bleed. After we talked to the counselor, Jane was deathly afraid to go home. She was scared that her dad's gf would find out that she told. Long story short, she went home to a house full of enraged adults. Her parents called her a little sh** and carried her off the ground by her hair. She went up to the counselor today and told her and the social worker that everything was perfectly fine, but i knew that it wasn't, so i went and told the counselor everything that Jane had told me after she went home that day. Now she's really mad at me. She says she just wants everything to go away but i know that it wont just up and disappear. How can i help her? i cant just do nothing and watch my friend suffer.

You are being a good friend I am proud of you for wanting to protect her.

This needs to be made a police matter. Child abuse, is a very serious matter one the police will definitely file charges for and make arrests.

I think the best way to go about this is the next time you see Jane all bruised is to take her to your home so your parents can see her bruises. They should then call 911 and ask for the police. If your parents are not home and they won't be home for sometime call 911(you are old enough and always have been old enough to call 911 if you are or anyone else is in trouble). Ask for an ambulance to come and take care of your friends injuries. The call taker will ask how your fried was injured and you should tell them. This will also trigger a police response.

The police have much more power to investigate than child protective services(CPS). Your friend will be taken to a hospital where a doctor will examine her. Old bruises and injuries will be found and documented. Her parents can't stop the police from doing so as your friend will be in protective custody of the police. This is the difference between the police investigating and child protective service. The police can investigate now when the bruising from the latest incident is fresh. Where CPS needs a court order.

Will your friend get made at you for doing so. Possibly. Fact is I would rather she be made at you and maybe stay mad at you for a long, long time rather than the possible alternatives which just the thought of are very unpleasant. The type of abuse she is receiving can escalate to the point that she ends up hospitalized for serious life-threatening injuries or worse dying from them.

As a first responder with a county fire department I have unfortunately seen this first hand. By intervening, even against your friends wishes you just may be saving her life.

Do not discuss this with Jane. Do not tell her you are going to do this or she will try to hide these things from you. Just take the action I suggest when and if it happens again. If you wish to discuss this with anyone I suggest you do so with your parents. IF CPS cannot protect your friend then the only service that can is the police.

How to commit suicide peacefully? My ambitions are not fulfilled. I have not got a life-partner. My wife is merciless and cruel.

As a member of a fire department rescue squad I can attest to the fact that there is no painless way to commit suicide. I think it is suppose to be that way.

From what you have written you can correct what is wrong in your life. If your wife is merciless and cruel; divorce not suicide is the answer. If your ambitions have not been fulfilled once you are out from under your wife's thumb you will be free to find ways to fulfill your dreams, including going back to school to get the education you need to fulfill your needs. You are never to old to learn. I don't know how old you are but even old dogs can be taught new tricks.

Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hot Line. No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

If you are feeling actively suicidal call 911 and help will be sent to you. I know you feel like you have many reasons for dying, they are in fact reasons to live. There are people who can help you, who are ready to help. All you need to do is pick up a phone.

Okay so I was hanging out with a friend and she asked me what my favorite food is and I said Cotton Candy and she said it isn't a real food. So who do you think is right.

I guess that would depend on you definition of food.

Cotton candy is 100% sugar with some food coloring added. That puts it in the classification of junk food something with a high calorie count. It's fun to eat. If you eat it then it does fit to some degree the definition of food. It is not a sustainable food item meaning you can't live on only cotton candy alone.

Looking at how we have just defined cotton candy I would say it fits the definition of a food item. Whether it be a real food item? Just how much of a food item it is is questionable?

As the saying goes; opinions are like certain bodily orifices (cleaned up for public viewing) everyone has one. Also everyone is entitled to their own opinion, you to yours and he to his.

Enjoy you cotton candy food item.

Are there child support laws in Mexico. I live in Baja California and would like to know. If you ahve any links, please provide them. I could not find anything on Google. Thank you.

The best place to get the answer to this question would be to call or write the Mexican Embassy. The Embassy has a Consulate-General of Mexico office in Los Angeles . Their web address is http://www.sre.gob.mx/losangeles/.

Mailing Address
2401 West 6th Street
Los Angeles, CA 90057

Phone
local: (213) 351.6800

Email
lapublico@sre.gob.mx

About 2 years ago my mom and brother moved down south to live with my grandma to help her out after my grandpa died. I stayed here in NY because I wasnt ready to leave yet (friends, etc) and I was already going to college. I now have a job and still go to school 2 years later, but after visiting my mom I really do miss her and my whole family. I mean my whole family lives down south now pretty much. I live with my boyfriend up here but we're always on and off but I do care about him. And in NY everythings really expensive anyway,so I have been wanting to move down south. But, I think whats holding me back is the fact that I still do care about my boyfriend and all of my friends are up here. What should I do? Should I move down where my family is or stay here?

0There is an old saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the fence. That doesn't mean you want to live on that side of the fence or living there will be better.

This is something you need to decide for yourself; unless you want someone to blame for making the wrong decision. In these kinds of decisions I have always found that sitting down with pencil and paper are always helpful in coming to a decision.

Draw a line down the center of the page. at the top of the page on one side of the line write "stay" on the other write "move." Now under each heading list all the reasons for doing so under each heading. When you have written every conceivable reason you can thing for staying or moving look at your lists. The answer you are looking for should be obvious after looking at both sides of the line.

If you are still not sure number each reason in order of importance on both lists. Look at the top 5 or ten reasons under each heading. These are your best reasons for staying or moving. Make new lists and with just these reasons and see if you want to move any from one side to the other. Hopefully you will know have your answer.

If you are still undecided then it is probably best to stay where you are until you can make a firm decision on whether or not to move.

Hi! So I'm 13 and female. I'm in junior high and recently failing one of my grades. My school said my dad will have a meeting with 4 of my teachers (I'll be there) to see how I can get help with my grades.

Here's the problem - My dad likes to tell people how much of a horrible person I am. I used to give my dad trouble a few years ago (Telling him to shut up, etc.) and I stopped it a long time ago. But he tells people about it!

Here's an example: I went to a therapist about a disorder, and he just told her about it. And it had NOTHING to do with why I was in counseling!!

So I'm just worried that he'll tell my teachers of this. **Also, the meeting has nothing to do with behavior issues. It has to do with grades, but I'm just scared he'll say something.**

I understand what your concerns are. I'm surprised you therapist didn't speak to him about this. Sis you and she ever discuss how you felt about dad doing this. If you are still in therapy and have not discussed this with your therapist you should. This is something she should be able to help with in discussions she has with your parents.

As for the problem you wrote about. Since you cannot stop your father from telling anyone he pleases then your best options is TO head him of at the pass so to speak.

I would suggest that you ask for a short meeting with the four teachers in private. Then you tell them the story you expect your father to tell them. If your father is doing this to embarrass you your teachers can head him off by saying; "Sir I'm aware of this and we are not here to discuss former behavioral problems." Your teachers will do this for you. They do not wish to embarrass you, they want to help you, praise you where they can and find ways to improve your grades where needed.

As a parent I don't understand why your father does this. I don't see it as a productive method of parenting only as retaliatory , something parents should not do. By you telling your teachers it shouldn't be as embarrassing for you as you are telling what happened and warning them that dad does this.

Frankly if this behavior was say when you were 11 or 12 it was pretty normal for your age. This is when puberty starts to kick in. Some young people at that age have a lot of problems with early puberty and express them with behavior such as you described. As you got older and your body was able to adjust to the hormones puberty set loose your behavior changed again. Very normal for your age. I'm surprised your dad did not see this.

By talking with your teachers in advance of the parent-teachers meeting you are giving your teachers the opportunity to protect you from dads story telling. It is very possible that hopefully all four teachers will cut him off he will get the hint that his story telling is out of order.

Hi,

My husband talk to her ex finance(also married), and I am totally fine with that, but he writes following things, i want to know , should I be worried?
-“hey gorgeous, how you doing? “then caries on with normal conversation.
-“good night gorgeous”
-She was sad for some reason and we live in different countries , so he wrote – “God loves when u smile. lot of people in far corners of the world feel better wen u do and post such pics online”
-“btw was watching some of your other pics ... you are a star babe ... really ... ssssuperstarrrrr”

Btw, if you are wondering how I got this, I accidently bumped into his FB message.. honest to god!

If you had not mentioned she was sad then I would definitely say his contact with his ex, without your knowledge, is in appropriate. Even so he should have told you he has been in contact with her over facebook and found out she is sad about something and is trying to cheer her up. As for the use of terms of endearment I'm not sure how to judge that. It just might be the way he spoke to her before the broke up.

For some reason the two of them did not marry, you two did. Talking to someone online I don't see as cheating, even emotionally. Remember one of are Presidents admitted to lusting in his heart and it wasn't Clinton.

I do find it hurtful that he would not tell you about his finding his ex on facebook and how it came to be; to tell you about her sadness and his desire to cheer her up and get your thoughts on the matter. When something like this is out in the open and straight forward you can be more comfortable with and maybe comfortable enough not to ask him to break off his contact with her. His primary reason for not telling you could be fear of upsetting you with something he may consider just two friends talking.

If and when you decide to talk to him about this discovery. First decide how you would have responded if he came to you before he started communicating with her. For the moment disregard the terms of endearment you saw while you think of how you might have felt. Tell him how you would have felt if he came to you first. I'm thinking you may have approved. Then ask him why he is using those terms in his conversation.

I've been married 41 years. When we first married my wife told me I could look at the menu but I better not reorder or she would cut off a very important organ I hold near and dear to me. This has worked very well for us. I get to look at pretty ladies and she will even point some out to me. I can even talk with the ladies I work with without my wife getting upset as I come home every night and sleep next to her and only her every night.

Every night at dinner I will tell her about my day. Since my job puts me in front of any number of women during the day I tell her of my conversations with them, the non-business parts, so she know what I am doing. This includes the teasing I do since I am a big tease and my customers have come to expect me to tease and tell jokes when I visit.

My wife and I established this open and honest communication very early in our marriage. I know where the line is, as does she. I think this is what you and your husband need to talk about and establish for yourselves. Their is no rule that says either of you can't have friends and converse with people of the opposite sex and still have a great marriage.

Im Will, 20 years old and a college student. My mother has been depressed about money for years now. She is drawing social security (which is used for all the bills.) She has a otheritus condition, but is very well to work but chooses not to. All she does is lay around and sleep for the heck of it. I help her in anyway that I can. I'll give her money every week and even that doesn't stop her depression. She expects me to take care of her even though I'm 55 miles away from home in college. She doesn't understand that I have classes and work to do and that I can't always be there. She is very uneasy with her money. She's a frequent smoker. I help as much as I can do so but she never appreciates it and can only say how much she's done for everyone, (which she hasn't.)

What should I do? I can only do so much..

There are two things you can do. One is you can continue to do as you are, thus enabling her to continue to do as she is doing. The other thing you can do is more on the side of tough love. As long as you continue to enable your mother she has no reason to get help for her depression. Depression is a horrible disease. You are not helping her by enabling her with your help.

I would suggest, as hard as this will be for you and she will tug at all the heart strings, that you cut the apron strings. Tell mom she must seek professional help her depression. If she has been on SSI for more than 2 years she is entitled to Medicare Health Insurance and most likely Medicaid medical assistance from your state. There is no reason with these two programs available to her that she should not be receiving medical treatment for her depression and other illnesses.

The fifty miles you are from home at school is not all that far where you cannot come home on a day you have no morning or afternoon classes and accompany your mother to her local Social Security Office. You can phone for an appointment to meet with a representative so as not having to wait in line.

Meet with the representative to find out what mom is entitled to in the way of medical benefits and sign her up for them. Then choose a plan "B" & "D" option that works best for her. Plan "B" is the supplement that pays for doctors visits. Plan "D" is the option that pays for medications. I would suggest you look for a PPO or HMO plan for the Plan B option.

I was forced to retire early after an auto accident left me disabled. I applied for and was granted Social Security (SSI) Disability. I was also granted Medicare benefits with a 2 year waiting period for enrollment to medicaid. So if your mom has been on SSI for two years or more she, I believe, should be entitled to medicare benefits also.

Once you are assured she can seek and pay for medical help for her depression then you cut the apron strings which are enabling her. You say to her; Mom I will no longer enable you to sit around and allow your depression to disable you in this manner. Now that I know you can seek and receive medical help you are on your own unless and until you get medical help.

I am of course assuming she is not receiving medical help for her illness as you have not mentioned this in you writing to us. You have also not mentioned what her other conditions are and how they are affecting her depression. Those other conditions can and do affect depression, especially those conditions that cause a great deal of pain. If she is being treated for those other conditions the doctor(s) treating her will need to coordinate with the doctor(s) treating the depression.

My daughter is 11 years old.She has been a healthy and happy kid.For about two days,i noticed the following things in her:
1)Sudden loss of appetite.
2)Mood swings.
3)I caught her crying at night.
4)She even cant sleep at night.
5)Act like being scared.
Please help me.Her cute jokes and laughs were gone.She looks very small like of her age.

I agree with Braidens answers especially the on set of puberty would rank high on my list of possible causes. Being 11 years old is about the right age for children to start feeling the effects of puberty. For reasons I cannot explain our children are maturing earlier than ever before.

Then to add to the list of possible causes could be;

1. Being teased/bullied at school. This could bring on depression.

2. Depression: caused by problems at school and the early onset at school.

3. Drugs/Alcohol: You can't rule these out either. When my son was in middle school he told us that alcohol was more of a problem than drugs.

4. She has been abused. This is always a possibility. It can happen even in middle school. If this is the problem the she is embarrassed scared and most of all feels she is at fault rather than the victim she would truly be.

Other than puberty the four items I listed are the top four that I can think of that would turn a happy child into the child you have described overnight.

Try talking to her in a calm manner. Assure her you are not mad and she won't be punished. That you want to help her, even with drugs or alcohol.

If your daughter will not talk to you about what is bothering her. Then I suggest the following. First make an appointment with your family doctor or her pediatrician for a complete physical to rule out any medical cause. Then find her a therapist she will be comfortable having as a confidant that she can talk to. The therapist will help her deal with any problem she may be attempting to deal with.

Understand the therapist cannot tell you exactly what the therapist and your daughter discuss in therapy. What the therapist can do is tell you what you need to do to help your daughter. There Is one exception. IF the problem involves abuse at school; the therapist will convince your daughter to allow you to be told of the abuse and then with the therapist a plan top deal with it will be developed.

My best bet is that your daughter is entering puberty. My niece was somewhat like your daughter upon entering puberty. Those first years were a royal pain though we all got through it. Just cover all the bases in the best interest of your daughter.

Hi there,

So I know for sure I am not pregnant (last time I had sex was a year ago). Anyways, so I had some mild cramps this morning and a now in the evening, I saw some pink discharge with some white/light yellow discharge. I have been feeling a little tired too today.
Can anyone help? This is not the first time I am experiencing this. I have gone for an ultrasound of my uterus to see if there is anything going wrong and it came out clear.
Last time I checked I am not deficient in any vitamins etc.

Thank you!

None of us are doctors so making a diagnoses is not possible.

Based on what you have told us your symptoms are not normal. There are a number of things that could be bothering you most all of which are minor.

I believe the best advice any of us can give you is to schedule an appointment with your GYN. Should your GYN tell you not to be concerned I would get a second opinion from another GYN in an unrelated practice just to be safe.

Insurance companies do pay for second opinions. Especially when dealing the reproductive system.

My boyfriend and I have been living together for 3 months. We have been dating 9 months. My boyfriend goes to church twice a week. He reads the bible. He visits his parents twice a week. He also has a bachelors degree and a good job. He is 26 and I am 21.

I found out I was pregnant in October, a month after we moved into an apartment together. (We have never used a condom and he knows I am not on birth control.) I found out he still has not told his parents about the pregnancy and he does not bring me to his parents when he goes to visit. He told me he wanted me to get an abortion but he never offered to pay for it or take me. (I don't want an abortion anyway.) He brought up marriage briefly twice, when he was drunk. He doesn't remember. He has been going out drinking with his coworkers and coming home at 3 AM on weekends, and he never used to do that. Since I told him I was pregnant, he hasn't felt the need to take me out to dinner or bring a pizza home, and we used to have a date night once a week. Its been about 3 months since he took me out. He spends about 3-4 days of the week sleeping here. We don't even go for walks to the park or the swap meet in our town anymore.

I don't think we are too young for marriage and we can financially afford a baby, but he still probably thinks his life will be ruined. My thinking is, he should have put a condom on if he didn't want a baby.

Should I ask him if he is going to marry me? We are Christians and I want marriage before this baby comes. I don't need a wedding, a private ceremony at a courthouse is fine with me. Having a baby will be hard to do alone, but I will sue him for child support if he leaves me. It's only fair. I did not become pregnant by MYSELF and I should not have to raise it myself but if I do have to raise it myself, I will need the extra income from him. Also, when should I tell his parents? I already told my boyfriends that if he does not tell them, that I will pick up the phone and tell them. I know it is not my place to tell HIS parents, but I said that to scare him 2 weeks ago, and he has not told them still. I think they deserve to know that their oldest son is having a child. I know that they would want to be in the child's life as because my boyfriend said his mom mentioned she wants to be a grandmother. What the heck do I do?!

My initial thoughts are that your boyfriend can't be that much of a Christian if he felt you should have gotten an abortion. It is to late for a legal abortion now. I also feel that you boyfriend is being very immature. You on the other hand are being far more mature than he is. You have to be as you are the one facing being a parent.

I also agree that his parents need to know especially if you plan to allow them to be part of the child's life. You are correct in that regardless of his feeling this child is their grandchild. If that means you need to inform them of your pregnancy I see no reason you should not do so at the earliest possible time.

I also agree that seeing a lawyer to have the proper papers filed with the courts NOW is what you should do. Do not wait for him to decide if he will support the child or even if he will marry you. Make sure you and the child have the proper protections in place when the child is born. Find a good Family Law Attorney now.

Don't wait for him to come around to the way you want him to be for I don't feel he ever will; at least not of his own accord. Once you tell his parents they are going to want to know why he hasn't told them. When you tell them why they may put pressure on him to man up and do the right thing. I'm not sure this is the best type of marriage to go into. They generally end up in court seeking to be dissolved once the baby is born.

My advice is see a lawyer and follow his or her advice as to when the proper paperwork can be done for child support and medical support for the child and your pregnancy. Then tell his parents. The only reason to tell his parents is if you plan to allow them to see and be part of the child's life, regardless of what part the child's father may play in the child's life.

You may want to check the question, "my wife says she wants to sleep with other men" for the details leading up to this question. I told my wife "NO!" I told her that I loved her dearly and could not stomach the thought of her with another man. Additionally, I was thinking of our kids and careers with this response. Kids have to go to school with their friends and the black guy in question is one of their teachers. My wife also teaches in the same building. I am a principal in another building in the same district. Now my wife tells me that she is also thinking of our kids and careers and that I need to say "YES" because she was the woman that she described as having the affair with this black guy. Now she pees on a stick and tells me she is approaching 8 weeks pregnant and will soon start to show. My wife and I decided that I would have a vasectomy years ago after our last son was born. So, there is little question who the father will be. She thinks that there will be scandle if I do not stay with her. It is also likely that all three of us will lose our jobs and our careers might not recover from this. I see my only chance to salvage my career is to go public and cut ties with her. She obviously wasn't thinking of me when she was with him. Problem is I still love her and she tells me that she still loves me and that it was just sex with no emotional ties or commitment. Additionally, the kids are the victims no matter what I do. I am very torn about how I should handle this. On one hand I have always loved her very much and I love my kids and on the other hand I am very hurt! A marriage is based on love and trust. How can I ever trust her again? I know others have been where I am. Please, I am open to suggestions.

Additional Details

The make-up sex has been great. She has been after me like a newly wed. I still love her and love sex with her but the cheating and I the whole time that I am making love to her I cannot get the image of another man crawling all over my wife out of my head. Does that image ever go away?

2 days ago

Am I a bad person? I love having all the recent sex with my wife. She is very horny now. She says that I am her husband and that I am the one she loves. She insists on staying together; but, I am starting divorce proceedings. She won't give him up and wants me to come watch their meeting tomorrow after school. She thinks that if I see her with him that I would understand their relationship.Whether I come watch or not, whether I approve or not she is going to meet him. Then she wants to come home to me with loads of him inside her and screw me all night. The thought makes me very horny and repulses me at the same time. About the child, he told my wife to get an abortion. He wants nothing to do with fatherhood and raising a child. He told my wife that he is just in it for the sex! It is amazing to me how a woman with a Bachelor's and Master's degree can be so dumb! She keeps going back to him drooling like a puppy that has been beaten. What the hell does she see in him? If we stay together, my wife plans that at the end of the school year she will only be 5 months pregnant. She will tell everyone that she had a miscarriage and she wants to get away for a while.Which at her age is reasonable. Then she will have the baby in another city and return for next school year telling everyone that after losing her baby we decided to adopt. Thus explaining the interracial child. She is sneaky and has given this a lot of thought. One of my biggest fears is if I have the courage to divorce her what will I do for sex. I don't see myself being celibate The bar scene is not for me. And I don't see myself being satisfied masturbating to internet porn. I mean, I will be divorced, mid 40's and within spitting distance of 50, balding and 15-20 pounds overweight, who would want to be with me? I am only tall when I am standing on my wallet which I am sure lawyers, court fees, divorce, and child support will greatly reduce. So now what?

What I see in your writing is that you are very conflicted and confused over this entire matter. There is nothing I believe any of us untrained advisers could say to help you.

I'm suggesting you seek the help of a trained and licensed therapist to help you sort out your feelings. Sex is only one part of a marriage. Fidelity is an other. You seem to have a problem with these areas that really need a trained professional to help you.

As for you loosing your job. I do not see why you would lose your job over something your wife and another man did that you were and had no part in. You are the victim in this sordid affair. Victims generally do not get penalized.

These are the reasons I am suggesting you seek trained advisors for help. A lawyer for the legal advice you need. A licensed psychologist to help you sort out the personal side of the problems you face.

Good luck, hope everything works out as you would like.

i never had an intercourse but the doctor said that i have my old ripped hymen and wounds call 6 o'clock 3 o'clock or something that i didn't understand because i am 12 years old at that time, the doctor insert me a thin metal when he found the result, its painful but when he told me to relax it would be done quickly and less painful, then the result that he told me is that i am not a virgin, and now i am 22 and still wondering what happened to my hymen because i never had a sex, what are the possible thing to ripped the hymen without intercourse? i am still a virgin even if the doctor told me i'm not virgin because of my old ripped hymen and i never experience sex?

There are two definitions of virginity. In many cultures, even today, the virginity test is an intact Hymen. In many of these cultures the women are very much repressed and do not have the active life style of western women.

In today's world the standard for virginity is not having had sexual intercourse. If your Hymen survives till your first intercourse that is a plus factor as well a making your first intercourse more painful.

Things that can cause a young prepubescent girl to break her Hymen would be being overly athletic. Sports such as running, Jumping doing splits could cause a Hymen to tear with little or no feeling. Horseback riding or bicycle riding is another possibility. Masturbation is also another way of tearing you Hymen. Then once you period arrives if you use a Tampon this too could tear your Hymen.

You doctor was wrong to tell you that you were no longer a virgin. He or she was using a cultural definition rather than the present world definition.

If you are still using the same doctor I would consider finding a new younger doctor who is more in step with today's practices. The old world practices are really out of step with today's medicine especially in the area of the female body and reproductive system.

i have great feeling when i finger myself and it looks like i have a orgasim but in have nothing coming out like what comes out of a male when he has an orgasim

What comes out of the male is semen floating in the seminal fluid which is the vehicle which delivers semen from the testicles. This is were the semen comes from and the seminal fluid brings them up the penis into the vagina, or out the tip for delivery.

Females do not have any seminal fluid or a prostrate to force the ejaculation with. Now some women do have the ability to express some fluid from there vagina during orgasm; most do not. Generally most women will get much wetter during orgasm putting more lubricant in the vaginal canal. This helps the male reach orgasm.

IF you are reaching an orgasm you are in the top percentage of women as many never experience a true orgasm.

<<< Previous Advice Column

Next Advice Column >>>