Dragonflymagic's advice column

Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!

advice

Is this more than touchy-feely? I was stood with a coworker looking at the sandwich counter. She was stood with her body on mine- her boobs were pressed against me. So was so against me she had to know how close she was basically. Her face was so close to mine while she asked what I was having and we were stood like that for a while. If I turned my head I could have kissed her- that's how close she was. She does this every time we queue or look at something. However this time when we looked for somewhere to sit she says 'where can we sit to look at fit guys' (she's knows I'm a lesbian). We sit but she never mentions guys or breaks her attention from me. Just want to add she never looks for male attention when she is pressed up against me (you know the flirting for the guys thing).

As we walk back, she says that if she sees a fit guy she can't give eye contact as she is scared to give something away.

So I get confused as she gets super touchy with me, like I mention above, also she will touch my hand or grab my arm with both hands when she talks to me. She also gives me so much eye contact. She has started asking me to lunch more often recently too- this is usually just the 2 of us. We do have a really big age gap which she brings up so often and says stuff like "I'm old enough to be your mum" or "I can't believe there are this many years between us" which i find odd that she would keep saying this.

I liked her as a friend for sometime- it was when she told me one time that she didn't know if she liked men or women. She only ever said this once to me and it wasn't brought up again. Although a couple of weeks ago she pointed out a women to me and said that she was hot and she Said she knew that was ok to say to me (im guessing she meant hot in a sexually attractive way as she added the bit about it being ok to say to me). I don't know why but thinking she was straight put me off liking her and since then (months ago) I've built up feelings for her to the point I don't know if she flirts or if I'm hoping she is.

I don't see this behaviour with other people.

So I'm wondering if this is what is meant by a touchy feely person or is there more to it?? I can't decide if she is just affectionate with me or if it's more. Sometimes I wonder if she is horrified about liking another woman and says the guy stuff to play it cool or if she is just straight and she likes me as a friend and I have been misinterpretating.

Hurray. I believe Razhie hit it on the nose...exactly the same impression I was getting.

Here you are, open enough about your being lesbian at your age, so that coworkers are aware of this. You are sure of your sexuality.

This woman as you've said is about your Mom's age. She has most likely lived her whole life single just going with what was expected of her from Parents, circle of friends, and society.
Most people at this age are really going through a major life change as far as deciding who they really are and not living for or going along with what parents, friends or society expects you to be or how at act. Its a time of determining who and what you really are. Perhaps she kinda did but couldnt handle it, was too scared to admit what she believed might be either lesbian ways or feeling bi-sexual. It might have been no one in her family and none in her circle of friends were and so she chickened out, not making the switch.
I can't know what exactly she's done or what she's been thinking, but clearly, she is not heterosexual or she would not be pressing her body up that close to you.
She is only hoping to befriend you in hopes you will be her guide into the experience of having sex with another woman, something she has never done and has no clue how to get started on that path.
I assume you are 18 and an adult so you can be legally responsible for any sexual choices you make. If she keeps talking about hot men and not being able to look at them, theres a very slight chance she's still a virgin and hasn't had sex yet. I've watched a documentary of people who were in their 30s or early 40s still were and were tired of hiding it. the documentary was following how they chose to go about breaking the barrier and having sex for the first time. If she had been married or birthed and raised a child, then thats not the case.
I had an opportunity to have a neighbor for a friend who was bi-sexual. I had no desire or curiousity to check out being bi. But she said, that there are lots of women who have been heterosexial who as they grow older and become more comfortable with sex and their sexuality, married or single, they become bi curious, meaning not sure if they are bi but wanting to experience it. If they hang out clubs where those kind of people can be found easier, then maybe they get their chance. If not, how does one go about finding a possible willing partner to help them experience sex with another female for nothing more than to satisfy the curiousity. If she is truly attracted to men but has problems approaching men to actually meet and get to know them, hon, its not your responsibility to counsel her and help her with her issues there, and fears of eye contact with men. If she battles with wanting men and women, most likely she feels that women are safer to approach as a place to start.

So it seems apparent that either she is hoping to learn or experience something from you as far as sex with another female or maybe just to the point of discussing it, or she is just saying she likes watching men as a cover up so none suspect her of being lesbian, even if she's not had sex yet as one. Whatever way you look at it, she isn't coming to you and approaching you as an equal, (not talking about age) or another female she as a lesbian, has come across whom she is very sexually attracted to and wants to see if there is attraction on your side too so you can become a couple. If she were a lesbian at her age, she wouldn't be playing these game like kids in middle school and HS do to give hints that they are interested. She's an adult much older than you and after a while of you not responding would know that you are not interested or that you are not picking up on her clues and then at least have a private talk and ask point blank.

There is no way to really know anything for sure without having a conversation where both ask questions and truthful information is being traded back and forth. If she is not going to act the adult and just come out with the questions she must want to ask, you have the right to know why she enters your personal space and does so in what is an obvious sexual manner.
All humans have a basic subconscious level of body language operating that they are not always aware of. When a person, steps close enough to you to be able to reach an arm out and touch you on the shoulder, they are already in your personal space. when a person is approached by someone they feel uncomfortable around, are not attracted to, feel leery of or have some other bad vibes about, they will subconscioulsy take a step away trying to re create that boundary of space between themselves and the person who approached them. If they welcome the others approach, they either remain in place or step closer to them as well. If you have remained rooted in place when she does this, she is taking your lack of creating personal space again, as your welcoming her sexual approaches to you.

Because you do not know the context under which she is truly approaching you, meaning as an experience les who really wants a relationship with you...which I doubt, or as a bi-curious, lesbian wanna be or woman who has never had sex yet but is interested in men and women.
Until you know, I wouldn't jump into anything with her. So it comes down to you having to take the first step and have a heart to heart conversation with her and how you talk to her depends on what you are comfortable talking about.

You could start with telling her that you get mixed signals from her and that her constant rubbing up against you in a public place such as work is not okay with you just because you are a lesbian. You want to know if shes aware of doing this and ask her to stop if she isn't. If she knows shes doing it, then you ask her why. You could volunteer that you have your own suspicions of what may be going on with her as far as you are concerned and just ask her to tell you whats up. If she's too scared or nervous to say anything, then its up to you. I tho am a person who is to the point and have no problem delving into sex talk and questions if needed. And that happens often in my real life away from advicenators. So whats easy for me, may not be for you. I can only share what I would do. Here is basically what I would say.
" The way you've been behaving around me is way and beyond what most average people do as far as just making a friend of a coworker. So either you are aware that you are crowding me often and rubbing your body against me or not. If not, its possible you have a social disorder of some sort thats gone undetected til now or perhaps you know you have one and need a reminder that this is not appropriate behavior for the workplace. If I were in a gay bar and you approached me like this, its a totally different story.
So my point blank question for you, is...are you coming on to me or not?" She answers yes or no. If yes, your next questions should be, "Are you a lesbian or bi-sexual?" and since people can know what they are without having had sex with others, the next question to whichever one she answered positive to is, "Then I would like your honest answer, Do you just feel this is your sexual preference or have you experience being in bi-sexual or lesbian relationships? All these questions help open up discussion for more questions and more revelations from her. And you may at one point have to ask other things like if she ever married, is she now, is she still a virgin, no sex with either a male or female...clarify as some think one is still virgin until male penis in vagina sex. And you may have to get her to clarify if she has more of a desire to 'learn the ropes' of being a lesbian, how to go about finding ones partner, or whether she is sure she is attracted only to you and wants to explore a relationship with you.

All in all, just what you shared doesnt sound normal...somethings up and it sure sounds like it might involve you being 'used' by her and your heart hurt. So be sure first what the situation is. If she needs to use you as a source, a lesbian friend to help guide her into finding her own lesbian partner (if you aren't interested in her) then if you like helping people with no payment or expectation in return, go for it. But if she is new at this, theres a learning curve ahead and she may still not be sure of what her sexually is, gets into relationship with you, and then wants to break up as she finally realizes she's not lesbian but heterosexual afteral and just has some sexual fear complex regarding men that she needs a time of professional counseling to get beyond. Only way to really know is ask her and keep pressuring her for answers, or ask her to back off and never open discussion at all.