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All the little things are adding up.
I've been dating this guy for a couple of months now. We've been out a bunch of times and I've thoroughly enjoyed every single time I've been out with him. He's a great guy, I enjoy his company and his sense of humor and his sweet side. He opens my car door for me every time, he pays every time we're out, he always drives even though I tell him we can use my car so we use my gas and all of that but he always denies my requests in having me do anything against the norm for him and what we've already established as the norm in our relationship.
Now, my pop pop has been very sick the past few months. He was a stage four cancer patient and it went very downhill, very quick. The one thing I wanted was for this guy to meet my pop pop before he passed and that wish came true. He was getting his hospice things delivered so I had to guy I was seeing come to his house to meet him and have them talk so he wouldn't be watching his hospital bed and oxygen get wheeled into the house and get anxious about it. He and I left to get dinner and when we were done, I told him to just drop me back off at my grandparent's house so he did and when I went back inside, I went into the living room to tell my pop pop I was back and he completely overlooked my presence and said "back alone, I see" meaning I came back inside without the guy I was seeing and he didn't like that because I think he liked him that much when they met.
My pop pop has since passed Wednesday morning, and as I'm not writing that for sympathy or anything of that nature, he and I were very close and the guy I'm seeing knew that. I haven't outwardly told him that he passed but I haven't outwardly told anyone, except the family that I was in charge of calling and letting them know. Most of my friends found out on Facebook or instagram through a post I made about missing him. I just didn't feel comfortable telling my friends "hey, by the way, my pop pop passed." However, I have told the guy I'm seeing multiple things that could only create the assumption that he did pass-such as the fact that I am on my bereavement days from work (which he knows are days after an immediate family member passes since we work at the same place), he even asked why we haven't hung out much lately and I told him that I've been busy ordering flowers and writing a speech for the services. Now, I know that I shouldn't make assumptions about anything, I know I should've outwardly told him if I really wanted him to know so badly. I get that 100%. My mom and dad argue about that a lot, my mom always thinks my dad should know something and he doesn't since she never outwardly told him.
It's just the little things, though. Through me telling him these things, it is to MY understanding that he should know something is up and he hasn't said a single thing or even asked how my poppop is doing. I don't need coddling or him to dote on me, but he knew how much I loved my pop pop and he even personally met him and I think he should have at least told me he was sorry. I keep telling myself that he doesn't really "do feelings" and that he isn't really used to family things (only him and his mom live in the states, the rest of his family is at home in Romania), but I think I'm just more hurt than anything that he has yet to tell me he's sorry or that he's there for me. Even when he knew my pop pop was really sick, I would ask him to hang out just because being with him would make me feel better (again, I didn't outwardly tell him that's why I wanted to hang out) but he and I haven't hung out since the time he met my pop pop which was about two weeks ago.
Thinking about this makes me think about other things that have been irritating me. I know that kind of thought process is bad because then I don't think of the amazing things he does. But at this time, I can't stop thinking about the negative. As you may have noticed, in this entire post, I haven't called him my boyfriend once; we've been out about ten times, we take our breaks together at work, we talk all the time, but we still aren't official. I made the first move in asking him to hang out and talking to him and giving him my number so I'm waiting for him to make the move in asking me to be his girlfriend/kissing me and he just isn't and because of that it feels like we're two friends that just hang out. I do say we're dating because he does call them dates and he has told people at work that we're dating.
My 21st birthday is coming up at the end of August and my brother is planning to take me, my friends and a few of his friends to a casino. So I asked him to go along, he has a managerial position at work so he has to work every Saturday (my birthday is on a Saturday) but he said he was planning to see a concert the Saturday before my birthday and he isn't sure he'd be able to get off two in a row so he said he'd give precedence to birthday when asking off so he could go to my 21st which was very magnanimous of him. But talking to him more about it and telling him the details like the fact that we are going to make it a weekend thing and get rooms there, he's gotten so awkward about it-assuming that it would be he and I getting a room together and that this would be our first "time away" together but now when I try to bring up my birthday, he just gets weird about it and talks about something else where it's getting to the point that I just want to tell him to go on vacation with his other friends because I know they're all going to the beach that same weekend.
Which brings up another valid point, three days ago, his friends were having a cookout and they asked him to go, they told him that he could ask me to go since all of the other girlfriends in that group were there. I went in to work the next day to order pictures for my mom and my supervisor, the guy that I'm seeing's best friend, asked me where we were during their cook out and I told him I had no idea what he was talking about. So I texted the guy I was seeing and he told me that something came up, he couldn't go but even if he could, I'm not part of their bro group yet so I couldn't have gone anyway.
Again, I know I'm not in the best mood, leading me to not think very positively of the whole situation. However, I guess my question is: am I being irrational? I know it seems as though I'm being very cold hearted but like I said, it's just a bunch of little things that are finally adding up and I'm just getting irritated about it all. Lately, I've been getting annoyed at a lot of things that wouldn't normally bother me so I feel bad thinking so poorly of a guy I've thought so highly of but I just can't help it. What do I do? Are these things something that I can just get over in due time if I'm being as irrational as I feel?
I'm 20, he's 23.
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First of all, sorry your Pop pop has passed. It's hard when any of us lose someone we love. And all of us have our own way to go through grieving. Some try to avoid it.
From what I can tell, you thought highly of the boyfriend before the passing, and your change of feelings only occurred after the passing not anytime before. If this is correct? However, in some way, during the time before while a family memeber is slowly dying of cancer (my mom) or some other such disease, family are going to already be going through a sort of pre-liminary grieving because of knowing what is coming up soon, because of expecting it. You say you've only been on 10 dates. I dont know how long you've know each other at work but I am positive that your pop pop was already in the last stages of fighting cancer before you started dating this guy.
So what I am trying to say, is that from the beginning of your relationship, you already haven't been quite your normal happy, carefree, relaxed self. With an imminent death on the horizon, my bet is you felt stressed, overwhelmed, not finding the same joy in life, sad, maybe scared to lose him. So you never got to meet under more normal circumstances. You are going to need to give yourself time to heal and recover your happy self again.
You did mention that "my mom always thinks my dad should know something and he doesn't since she never outwardly told him." You may not realize it, but from what you are describing yourself and your feelings as, it sounds as if you are exactly like your Mom in those regards. It is understandable that you would behave the same with this guy now, as kids and teens, while growing up, we learn what we know and do by watching and mimicing our role example, our parents. As much as you'd like to reject that notion, it is true. We do so mostly subconsciously without being aware of it. So please note, I am not blaming you for acting this way, it is merely what you learned. It really may not be who you really are at core as a person. So I am drawing this to your attention because it is very important.
While some people are more quiet types, when it comes to relationships, we can not expect a person to be able to read our minds. Yes, some couples after many many years together can pick up with the other is thinking or about to say, or how they are feeling. But the step they take is to ask their mate if what they think they are picking up on is correct or the mate volunteers, hey how did you know I was about to say that. Basically, what it takes is having trust in each other which isn't there yet in a brand new relationship like yours, even if not bf/gf, think, you need to have a level of trust to share certain things with other people like your best friends and so on. Same with the one who;ll be your sweetheart. So my first impression only by what you shared is that you are expecting more of him, that he can read minds. If you can't work on yourself to overcome this, you will never be happy and no guy and no relationship will ever work for you. It plain and simply hurts a relationship, makes it a rocky one, holds a couple back from having a better than average relationship. And when it is mediocre, one or the other can eventually tire and go looking elsewhere. Yes, your parents are still together, but I am willing to bet it isn't the best kind of example of a really happy and healthy relationship with two people deeply in love and treating each other with respect.
I believe you find it odd to call it dating when not officially bf/gf? Here's my belief, that there are two stages of dating preceded by the stage of attraction to a person. As I am sure you already know, just being attracted visually or even to some surface level things like a persons smile, laugh or how they carry themselves, do not necessarily mean they are going to be a perfect match for a bf/gf or more serious, a life partner. So there is a stage needed during which we do investigative work, finding out more about the person until we are either positive they are right for us and we want to make a commitment of sorts to each other, or we are sure they are not right for us and break it off. Breaking up for these reasons should never be taken seriously. I believe this guy of yours feels he is at the initial info gathering stage. Some can be sure about each other after a couple months, some need more time to be sure. Once sure, there is the commitment to become bf/gf which means dating each other exclusively. Or the commitment is to become life partners and for many that means getting married, tho many do the commitment without the license.
During this info gathering stage kind of dating, it is perfectly normal for either the gal or guy to not want to invite or bring the other along as their 'date' to events, parties, weddings, family gatherings, holiday events, etc... because of the feeling that others might read too much into it and believe a commitment has been made and sometimes, there is a fear of what other people think, or a fear of losing face by friends and family whom assumed too much, misunderstanding and assuming the two were a solid couple and thinking her or him a cad, a heel for breaking up with the other. Guys tend to want to avoid this kind of drama and usually even if not consciously aware they're doing this, subconscious they act in ways to avoid drama. As you've only dated 10 times, you have a long way to go to knowing each other to the depth needed to make a commitment to one another. Many are too quick to enter a commitment level of a relationship when they are not totally sure. Women tend to want the approval, appreciation of , and desire of a man to feel validated as a woman and without that in their lives, have a natural urge to seek it. Nothing wrong with that but unfortunately, most women also give the man they find, their heart, long before they have discovered whether the man would be right for her or not. That is why so many women have a hard time leaving a man who is abusive. They feeltied to him by their heart...even though he may not be in return.
So at this point, unless you have something really grievious to share about this guys behavior towards you, It sounds like he isn't doing anything wrong. In fact, he sounds like a better than average guy who is really decent and caring if he was willing to meet Pop pop and actually enjoyed him, and makes change in his plan to be around for your birthday.
Hope this helps your with your thoughts and feelings. If I can be of more help, let me know.
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Yeah, sorry but all im seeing here is a whole lot of irrational and emotionally ruled thinking.
People who are ruled mostly by their emotions and what they silently expect others to be able to do for them without saying anything can be unstable people and get themselves to the point your at right now mentally.
If youve only been seeing him a couple of months then there are still rules and guide lines that many people do not cross, LIKE trying to ask you to go out when im sure hes probably CLEARLY picked up on the fact that your father has passed away.
Hes more than likely just trying to give you some space right now so that you can handle your fathers last wishes and business. Theres nothing wrong with that and thats a normal thing. He might be feeling like since he doesnt know you that well that its not his place right now to try to "comfort" you and might feel as though he doesnt want to get in the way.
when it comes to taking trips places with you, he may be feeling that its too soon for him to do something like that with you because things may not be really serious yet. after all its only been a couple months right?? hes probably still in "i need to be a gentleman" mode, and just because he opens doors for you or buys you dinner every time doesnt mean that things are serious, it means that he was taught manners with people or is old fashion.
Its not fair to expect people to just "KNOW" how you expect them to act around you, all your doing is short changing yourself because you make expectations and demands in your head and no one is a mind reader. I still havent heard about about this man that would cause me to think that hes a bad guy or that you should break up with him. Your grieving right now over your father, and everyone handles death differently and so do the people around you who know your going through something difficult some people give you more space while others what to be by your side 24-7. he may not be the 24-7 type so dont give him such a hard time about it. Hes new on the scene in your dating life and might be very nervous still.
good luck and cut the guy some slack, he sounds very nice.
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