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pistanthrophobia
I used to love a guy n proposed him for 3times but he refused 1st 2times n accepted me the 3rd time.our families n frnz knoew abt us.his mother was extra friendly with me n my mom.on the other hans my parents didn't like them because of their lifestyle n status but they adjusted with them coz I loved that guy.in the beginning I was too naive to understand his mom's policies..she used to call my parents n me to complaint abt me n what have I done wrong n what shouldn't have I done..my parents never chased her son for anything..but then she started to put all the blames upon me for her son's alcoholism..the guy used to consume alcohol before even he knows me but his mom said I am the reason for which he gets hurt n compelled to drink..even when her son met accidents she accused me..whereas her son uaed to lie to me in every steps of life n she used to chase me even before my exam nights..they kept me literally in mental trauma when I was in hostel..every single day I used to cry due to them.all my hostelmates were annoyed with their behavior n saw my sufferings..but I didn't tell anything to my parents..but oneday his mom called me when I was in home n chased me..my mom saw me crying n I became sick so mom called that guy n questioned him for the 1st time for his deeds...but again we patched up n smoothly were in.relationship untill he again fought wid me for no reason n lied n consumed alcohol...then he sent massage to my dad n.asked for his help to rescue him.from.me n said him that I am mentally sick...my dad didn't bother n didn't reply..but next to.next day I patched up with him unknown to the fact of his msg...then we went on a vacation, got intimated n all..he still didn't tell me anything abt the msg..then I dscvrd the msg on my dad's mbl n.confronted my bf...he fought again.n.used slang abt my mom n insltd her...i also said him word insltng his mom (which I shouldn hv done)..nw his mom again.called me up n literally quarreled wid me n tld me tht she'll cmplnt against me n my mom to my dad for abusing n accusing her son whereas I was the victim so long n she insltd my mom over n over...bt I knw myself..i'll again try to patch up wid him after all these...coz I so love him n had sex so cant frgt him..what should I do?
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You ask what you should do. Well, put your feelings of love aside for a moment.
Now, If you want this crazy 'merry go round' to continue as it has been going, then you don't have to do anything. I agree with the other advicegiver, they both sound crazy. Often, love will make us blind to the reality of what is going on, or if we can really see it, then what we do is, in our minds, make excuses for a persons behavior in order to justify staying with them. But it doesn't make any sense because staying and 'taking it' is not going to change him or his mom. By being accepting of this behavior, in a way, you are enabling them to continue to remain stuck. It also means you are choosing to settle for less, a way of subconsciously telling yourself that you can't find anyone better or don't deserve anyone better.
I can guess whats going on with them. He was probably normal at one time but being raised by a mom with severe mental illness stressed him out to the point he lost it too. He may have decided to rebel against Mom by doing and pulling the kind of stunts she does, and likely turned to drinking in order to numb the memories he has of her and life with her as mom. His drinking may be his try at finding a way to cope with the fact his Mom is ill and may or may not be aware or not willing to get help. As a coping mechanism, it is a very poor one and only causes problems for him. If he isn't also mentally ill himself, if normal, he had a chance to have a normal life by leaving Mom once he turned an adult at 18, and go on to lead a happy stable life following his dreams of school or vocation and finding his true love.
While in the state he's in, he isn't capable of having a normal relationship with you. All he knows of what a female is like is the example of his Mother growing up so he already has warped ideas of what a healthy interaction between 2 people is.
Don't you find it odd that of all things his mother would accuse you of, is being mentally ill, and blaming you for ruining her son. I used to be married to someone who it ended up, we discovered, had mental illness. That certainly explained his irratic and abusive behavior thru out marriage. I finally left. But while with him, this cycle repeated over and over. One thing a person who is mentally ill often does if they know somethings wrong with them deep down inside but are afraid of finding out for sure, if to do something called deflecting. Deflecting means the issues or problems they have, they will accuse others of having mostly always when its not true but in order to take attention and focus off of them for too long. The longer someone is looking at them and trying to figure them out, the more likely they feel of others discovering THEY are the ones with issues. So his Mom most likely is mentally ill. That kind of thing can be passed down in the family. Of 3 kids I had, one ended up depressed and from there, developed mental illness. This child has cut themselves off from all family, going into hiding due to some of the crazy thinking she is suffering through and no one knows where to find her to even attempt to help. Its a very sad situation when people with mental illness are not getting the medical intervention they require to lead normal lives.
Now you know why on their end, neither of them sound promising for having a normal relationship with. Mental illness from my experience gets worse as time goes on as seen in my ex and my child, it doesnt stay at a holding pattern or get better on its own...intreated.
Now one more thing you need to know is why you have found yourself wanting to, willing to go back to him and patch things up, why you still have love despite how you and your parents are being treated.
Heres the best way i can describe it. YOu have 2 minds, your conscious awake mind and your subconscious/asleep mind. Its your conscious mind that looks at this and see it all as unhealthy and bad. The subconscious mind tho is where all our emotions come from. To help you understand this point, think of a sad movie you watched where you cried. Your conscious mind knew it was just a movie and those were just actors and not real but the story drew in your emotions and you cried. That was your subconscious mind. And the subconscious doesn't always make the best rational decisions especially when trying to operate on its own without cooperating with your conscious mind. Its goal is to make you happy and for some reason believes strongly that its job is to make sure you get everything you want and wish for, even if it isn't necessarily something good for you. So, the only thing holding you to staying with him is this feeling of love in your heart. If you can agree that the subconscious is forcing you to continue to have these such strong feelings of love to keep you stuck there, then basically, it will take forcing your subconscious to realize you don't like all the other stuff that goes along with the relationship and you want out. So, the way to get the attention of your subconscious is to consciously take over something it is responsible for like continously taking your next breath. Try holding your breath and then taking deep breaths, consciously alternating this while in your mind focusing on the thought, I want to talk to you, my subconscious. I have an important message. I know you want me to be happy. Right now I am not happy because I am in love with a guy who both him and Mom are crazy and not acting normal, its too much drama and I don't want that. So please listen to me. I do not want to go back to him. I know my heart will hurt for a bit. That's okay. I don't want you to panic and force me into going back to him. Its important for this to happen because there is no chance at this moment in time of that improving. It may in the future, it may not. But for right now, its not good for me or my parents.
Release me from caving in and going back. I want you to cooperate with me. I need time to get over my feelings of love for him. And I will in time, most every normal healthy person does So please cooperate.
YOu may feel silly talking to yourself or to your subconscious mind, as if there was another person inside you, like a split personality but I can assure you this is very real and it takes time to get your subconscious to learn to cooperate with you. It can be like an unruly child left to itself and its own wiles and it may not instantly change and cooperate so if you fail at times, it doesnt mean it won't ever work, it will, you just need to keep hammering your subconscious with your little speech in your own words of course but something to that effect. good luck dear. Its going to be hard. Once you feel you are stable and able to talk to him without caving in and going back to him, you might want to have a talk with him. Let him know if he's truly in love with you and wants you back, that he needs to make a clean break from drinking for one thing, join alcoholics anonymous, and also see a counselor because as the child of someone like his mother, he has grown up traumatized and twisted in his perception of what is normal behavior. If he does both things, and you see an improvement in him, only then would you consider taking him back, if he or you haven't found someone else by then. This isn't an overnight change you're asking of him. He needs at the very least a full year of successful with a counselor and AA before you should even consider him again. Good luck dear in making your decision.
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Ok your pretty much just wasting your time with him and his mother. they are BOTH crazy and you need to get away from them now.
Shes an idiot who believes that her son can "do no wrong" and that everything he does is someone else's fault and is not making him take any kind of accountability for himself and thats wrong as a parent.
Next: just because you had sex with him doesnt mean that you HAVE to try harder to make it work. Relationships are a two way street and if he cant get his mother to back off, take responsibility for his own actions, and act like a man then he shouldnt be in a relationship period.
If you leave now, he will just be one of those mistakes that you'll be able to look back on and say to yourself "thank god i left that guy" because there are other men out there that WILL treat you like a lady without you even having to ask hunny.
He sounds like a child and his mother sounds crazy for calling you and harassing you and your family. walk away and save yourself the drama before it gets worse.
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