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humorist-workshop
Holy Confusion
22 year old girl.
Been in a relationship for the past 2 and a half years with a guy that is 24 and is great. Funny, intelligent, ambitious, and caring. And things were wonderful until I found out he was talking to another girl ..Texting, snap chatting, face times.. I talked him he apologized. He then went to the movies with a girl that he went to middle school with that he hadn't seen for years and used to crush on her to "catch up".. He then went out of the country and met up with the girl that he was constantly face timing and texting.. That bothered me... I started to get very fed up and stopped caring as much yet he still claims that they're both only his friends and that its all in my head... But my thing is if I were to be the one doing this, he wouldn't even be with me anymore. He constantly asks where I am, who9 I am with, what I am doing and always questions why.. I don't even get these questions for my dad and when I ask him why he's always questioning me he says its because he cares and if I was hiding anything it wouldn't bother me.Fast-forward - I recently went out with a friend and met this one guy who is a cop. We kind of have the same history and let me tell you that every time I see this guy my heart starts racing.. I love talking to him and how much of a gentleman he is and I just feel so safe around him.. My feelings for my boyfriend are starting to fade and I just don't know what to do.. Advice greatly appreciated
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You can't change another person. You only have control over your own self so hopefully whatever I share helps you to think and see more clearly what your situation is and that should help you decide what action if any you need to take.
I'll go thru your message piece by piece in order as you've written.
So first, being in a relationship of 2 1/2 yrs is definately long enough to see a person show their true colors and see whether there are things you like and also dont like about a person. Nothing can remain hidden easily at this point anymore, so I have full confidence that you have a very clear picture of whats going on.
He is 24. Thats an age when hopefully he would begin to make better decisions in life that bring about better actions. What I am saying is that scientists have proven the frontal lobe of the brain in humans responsible for good decision making isn't done developing until at least the mid twenties, though in some these days, you find it takes until they're close to 30 to mature in that area. He may be one of them, no way to know.
You describe some nice things about him so obviously these are important to you. When looking for a stable long term/life long relationship partner, this is one of the best things you can do, however it needs to be more more intensive and extensive to really work for you. there are many people with some really nice things about them but thats only one small part, not 100%. I am not saying people don't have their issues, but you want someone of course who is consistant as to who they say they are, are truthful, trustworthy and selfless. So I cant really know for example in what ways you see him as caring. there may be an occasion nice gesture from him but for long term relationship to work you need 100% caring and I suspect that as it was with me at your age, I really no effing clue what that truly entailed and looked like.
Him talking to another girl is not the issue. The issues here are him needing to be an open book, not hiding anything and being truthful 100% of the time. He needs to treasure you above any other female and no one gal can fill your shoes in his mind. He needs to have a want and desire to fullfil all your needs first emotionally, sexually and if living together, then his end financially before he uses time that should be devoted to you and spending it on other people, females, his male friends, even family.
My husband keeps in touch with female friends from his past. there's a healthy normal way to this and a troublesome, wrong way. the right way is that your man never keeps any contact with other females secret. Any past friends, he is glad to have me meet them and them get to know me. Proud to show me off as his. So in the case of going to the movies with his middle school friend, the right thing would've been asking you about his idea of going to the movies and inviting her along. Asking if you'd like to go so you could meet her. Then after your okay and knowledge of his intention, telling her that you and he would like to have an evening with her.
However, my choice would not be the movies for catching up as you can't talk in there. Out to dinner is more like it. Movies should not have been in the equation for a catching up deal.
The other thing that is healthy is that he is making sure you get all the attention you need first, that all your needs are taken care of, emotionally and sexually and his heart belongs to you so strongly that other women can no longer meet those needs for him simply because they are not you, you need to know how unique you are to him. If not, you're as good as the next chick he see's at the grocery store.
Does he need your permission for every little thing, no, of course not. But if your goal in your mind is working towards the kind of relationship where you become one with that person, as in life long relationship (with marriage license or without) then that type of relationship requires learning how to both be open, communicate well and compromise on things, never to do things behind the others back because one doesnt want to give something up for the other. If a person has to change themselves too much to be perfect for the other tho, its a good sign that perhaps the two are not perfect for each other.
You say he apologized. I dont know him. You do. Was he just saying the words to calm you down, get you off his back, not to suspect anything? Or was he sorry for getting caught but had no intention of changing future behavior. Or was he truly embarrassed at the sorry excuse of a man he was and truly heartfelt sorry and very concerned about having hurt you and wanting to never hurt you again. Did he give you his promise right then to never talk to or meet with another girl without you knowing because you are the most important girl to him? If he did not feel this way, then you may have to entertain the idea that he isn't too concerned about hurting you enough to lose you. If you were the one he wanted to settle down with and have kids with, he would not be doing anything so reckless that might cause him to lose you.
He had the money to go on a trip out of the country...for what purpose...work related or just fun and pleasure? If just for fun, why weren't you invited along. If he's so into you, he'd want you to enjoy all he experiences in the world together with. Heck, my husband and I enjoy both the fun vacations type stuff and even house chores and shopping, errand running together cus having each other by our side, makes even the mundane things in life more fun.
Did you know he was going there to meet a gal he's been chatting with? Was he honest enough to tell you before he left, or did you find out after? No need to answer me, just think on it yourself.
His claiming this is all in your head is a self defense tactic. If truly there were nothing wrong with the terms of his relationships with these women, and he was on the up and up, you'd know that because you'd have been included in to these areas of life. When I met my 2nd husband, he had a teen age daughter living with him. We had his out of state ex come stay with us so she could see her daughters HS graduation. We got along well, no problems cus I know he's much happier with me than he ever was with her. I have some of his old girl friends who are also now married, as facebook friends. This is fine if its on the up and up. He may be telling the truth dear that they are just friends. However due to his age and inexperience in relationships, he has no idea that what he is doing is the wrong way to go about having a trusting, sound, healthy relastionship with you. With your bringing it up to him, it should have improved by now but hasn't. So perhaps, you need to think about whether he is really all that serious about you or not.
I like the way you think, twisting things around to get a better grip on the situation...good for you...thats what I do. YOu're right, if you were the one doing what he's doing, he wouldn't stand for it, wouldn't trust you, would feel jealous.
YOu say he's always asking where you've been, he needs lots of info on your whereabouts, what you have been doing, who you've been with but doesn't think its a two way street, that he should be as up front with you. As you've stated, even your own dad won't question you like this, he understands you are an adult and don't need to report in as to what youve been doing. When a boyfriend does this, some gals think it means he reallys cares about them and is being jealous, possessive in a good way. Sorry hon, there is no good way to possesive. We can not own another person. I dont own my husband. He's not a piece of property I purchased with money. Lets say he was a realistic robot type avatar of a male that I purchased to act as my husband and fill that role. I would treat him as an object then, have expectations cus I spent good money on purchasing him and have the owners manuel and bill of sale to prove it. That is not a relationship, thats an ownership. When a male begins to attempt to control the whereabouts and what the lady friend is doing, that is ownership he is assuming he has, so he will slip up often, the pretence for you that your are his sweetheart, and it will become more and more obvious that he doesnt see hyou as another human being with the same needs and rights as any other, you are simply a possession to him. When someone has something they like, they tend to collect them. I like dragonflys and so have lots of dragonfly themed items. Some women collect shoes like crazy. A rich guy might collect classic cars. Perhaps, this guy of yours isn't meant for a monogamous relationship because you have to come first, your needs, if you were a person that is, that he cared about. With a possession, like something you collect, they are there just for your happiness, not you for the happiness of your objects or possessions. I know it will hurt if you look for this and begin to see it. But it is the truth dear that I share. You have to determine if this is what is happening or not with you and him.
My own analogy: a relationship with a sweetheart is much like the tending to a tender young seedling. It needs the right soil, right amount of sunlight, weeding, water and love to survive and keep growing stronger and stronger. A relationship takes work too, investing of ones time in that person as one would a seedling. When that happes, the relationship grows stronger and stronger. What happens to a seeding that is ignored? It can dry up, be choked by weeds, not thrive due to lack of sun and good soil. That is what happens to relationships. So I find it no surprise that feelings for your boyfriend are fading. That happened in my first marriage. My feelings died for him after many years of abusive treatment, not loving me. I did love him once but like a seedling, I was abused and neglected and so the love withered up and died along with the relationship.
Now you went out socializing with a friend and meet a guy. I dont know how long or how often you've seen him or if just the once...but one thing stuck out that you said. It comes from deep inside you, deepest needs. You said you feel so safe around him. You need to feel safe and secure in a relationship. So if you get just a little taste of that, deprived as you've been, of course you'll hunger for more and thats a good thing to look for. You need to feel secure with a man, knowing that you hold a place in his life that no other woman can fill. Our young bodies grow old over time and beauty and handsomeness change and fade but to find a person who has that wonderful personality, character and beauty within, is the kind of person one can spend a lifetime with and never truly want another person to fill your spot.
So you need to decide whether to stay with the boyfriend or not. Thats first decision. He has shown you who and what he is deep down at core. People when they get comfortable with someone will show who they really are, confident that you will love them no matter how unfairly or badly they treat you. I can guarantee that of there's a lot more waiting to surface and it will over the years get worse and worse. Did for my. Usually in increments too small to see over the days and weeks and months. But if you look at a year at a time and can see no improvement, its not going to happen.
Your next decision IF you leave the boyfriend is as to whom you will date next.
Before you do that, you may want to write a list of what you are looking for in a guy. No ones perfect, but theres certain ways to treat the one who holds your heart and thats the same in every reasonship, no matter what bad habits the person comes with. YOu need to decide ahead of time, what you will and won't accept in behavior from a guy. the first time he does something you don't like, you say something. If he truly wasnt intentionally a bad guy and not trying to hurt you and really cares, then the man will never repeat that mistake. He'd be a fool to do so and lose you. The only guys who repeat such behavior are the ones who believe you are the fool and will take whatever they dish out. So, make your list. If a guy repeats a negative behavior a 2nd time, you can be sure that theres more where that came from. A tree bears good or bad fruit, not both. Outside circumstances of virus or pest attack is an aside. But you're not going to get anything good if you've twice seen the same bad behavior, you are seeing the true man, who he is inside on that one thing. If there are too many deal breakers, things that cant be compromised on, that you wont put up with then, move on. I know its hard, you can get your hopes up thinking you;ve finally found the one. Finding my 2nd husband, I'd got to the point of giving up when after meeting dozens or men from dating sites and reading messages from hundreds who wrote to me who didnt even rate a first face to face meet. It was then, I got the message from my now husband. It was a breath of fresh air, so uniquely different and I felt a connection to him just through the type of words he used, how he expressed himself and what he was looking for and what he believed his role as a male to be regarding women and also regarding the one he gives his heart to. He definately stood out. So when you start hanging out with other men, which I believe you eventually will, one day it'll hit you and the one man will really stand out from anyone else and it may have nothing so much to do with his looks as to who he is on the inside.
I wish you the best. Yes, this is long. But its what you needed to hear. good luck. Write me again anytime you need to bounce your impressions or thoughts off me with future dating.
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