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My boyfriend says he doesnt have the same feelings for me anymore
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years now. I'm 25 and hes 22. We've had an amazing relationship together. We don't live together yet but have talked about buying a house plenty of times we are just saving up. His parents are divorced, they went through a bad divorce (which maybe this is all stemming from). About three months ago we had a bad fight. He said he just didnt think we were good together anymore and he wasn't happy with some things I was doing. I cried and cried. I asked him what I could do to change this or make things better. Well I did everything he asked, and its everything that bettered me as a person. I thought things were going really well. I haven't been happier. Well two nights ago he said that he just doesnt feel the same as he did when we first started dating. He lost the feelings. He said he needs time to see if breaking up is what he really wants. So right now we are on no contact. Ive cried every night I cant eat because im just sick to my stomach. he said its not me its him. That i have done nothing but support him, love him and do everything right. I said am I not pretty enough? Is it because I gained weight? And he said no your beautiful. I asked if there was someone else and he said absolutely not that hes always been faithful to me and if we were to break up he couldnt even think of being in another relationship for a long time. And he said if he has any doubts of not being together that he would not for one second hesitate to show up at my door step and ask for me back. He also cried the whole time he was telling me all of this. He said he felt sick to his stomach.
Im just heartbroken. I dont know what to do, where we stand. He said he needs a couple weeks to think. Hes the guy I can see forever with and every time I look at him I think of how in love I am with him. I cant picture my life without him. And he knows it.
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As i read this, i put myself in your shoes, I try to think how i would feel if my current boyfriend said something like that to me, how hurt I would be. I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months, but it feels way longer. Being with somebody that long and finding out that it can all be taken away from you is scary. All you can do is wait. You can show up at his house and ask him and talk to him, but if he no longer wants to be with you, I'm sorry. It's hard to lose so much of yourself, your other half. If he breaks up with you, it would take you some time to heal, thats just how life will go, something better will come alone, good luck!
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Oh hon, my heart hurts for you. After four years together this must be a big shock.
I do believe everything you told me he said. He sounds like he is truly being honest and didn't wish this was do.
Considering your ages and when you met, I do have an idea of what might have occurred. People who meet in HS or just out of it, still have a lot of growing and maturing into the adult version of themselves yet to go. the frontal lobe of ones brains isn't fully done growing in fact until 25 or so and for many these days, its more like 30 before a person is fully mature.
I am not saying a person acts immature instead, tho some do, its more of a growing and changing internally so that who the man was at 18, has changed greatly in 4 years time to a different person. The goals, hopes and dreams one had at 17, 18 are not going to be the same as at 2, 25. It actually can be a lot more than that, the changes one goes through, all for the better. I am not talking about bad changes, bad habits or bad behavior. So he is truthful when stating it is nothing that you have done, nothing that you lack and for a reason such as this, could explain why he is able to say, its not you, its me.
This is one of those heart breaking realities of life. I've witnessed one daughter go through this, loved the young man in her life and could see him as a future son in law. But in time, they grew and matured and she felt she had nothing much in common with him anymore, that they had grown apart, not from lack of attention to the relationship but a gap growing between them as they both matured and changed. We liked the guy so much we've kept in touch, but it doesnt change the fact that the two just were no longer the perfect match for each other.
If this kind of change of behavior happens in the first couple months, or sometimes even 6 mos to a yr if one is trying to ignore that they aren't happy and somethings changed, then I would say, it was due more to NRE, New relationship energy where 2 people get caught up in the excitement of a new relationship. the level of excitement can mimic having everything in common, being in love and having great chemistry. But this energy isn't lasting and will fade. What one is left with then is the still in love without the excitement level we had as kids the night before Christmas, or there is nothing anymore. From what you explained, this is certainly not it so I stick by my former guess, that it is due to the maturity and changes in you causing the rift in the relationship.
I understand that you don't feel any of the changes he is feeling, but it doesnt mean that change in both or more for one of you isnt the key issue here.
Sadly, there is nothing you can do to change him back to feeling the same way as he did before.
You don't know where you stand? I would say the future of the two of you continuing staying together is in great jeopardy. He might come back out of guilt for making you hurt so bad and tamper down his lack of feeling for you and just decide to stay with you even though he no longer feels the same. What does this accomplish?
Well, you will feel happy at first. He will be miserable because he is attempting to be something and someone he no longer is. When a person attempts to deny who they really are just to please another person, it takes its toll on them either physically or emotionally. The stress of forcing oneself to stay in a relationship only for the sake of the other person and not oneself will be stressful and stress eventually has its impact one way or the other. I know what i am talking about because I was married to someone who was wrong for me. I tried to change who I was to please him, but he was still unhappy. Its like he could sense subconsciously that I wasn't really who I portrayed or changed myself to be and that real self, with my real feelings grated on his nerves. Not that I fell out of love with him at first. I only did, due to him mistreating me in his unhappiness and some mental illness too.
Stress took its toll on me physically, migraines, ulcers and such to name a few.
Unless his feelings change back mysteriously to how he felt before, he coming back to you unchanged back to original means your marriage and relationship would be a farce. It won't be the real thing. He will forever be trying to keep you happy but not be happy himself and the stress could cause health issues. Or out of his growing needs forever repressed and hidden, he finally cracks and secretly begins to see other women to take care of his emotional needs for a female friend he can click better with even if its not anything to do with romance and sex. Or perhaps his feelings there die along the way too and he is seeking that too, not for want to hurt you but because he just cant truly physically keep denying himself. this is all a very great possibility. Picture yourself with a kid or two by him and just finding out that all the happiness you thought was for real was just a dream you had tried desperately to hold on too. The hurt you would have experienced if the two of you went your own way at 22 and 25 is now going to be much greater with all the time spent together hoping against all hope to magically make this work but forcing it.
ONE thing we can't do ever, is force a relationship to work. there is no such thing. We can pretend it is working, but its nothing more than a time bomb waiting to go off. Not saying this all could happen dear, but the situation that you described as it stands right now, means this is a very likely possibility for your future and its not a happy one in the end.
But if he comes back to you, that in the end is your choice to take, to have him in body and presence but not in heart and spirit. If you are willing to settle for less, then go for it. But he may decide to move on and I feel as painful as it is, that may be the best for you in the long run.
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This is a tough one but obviously he has strong feelings for you or else he wouldnt be crying while he was telling you all this.
Maybe he has something going on in his life right now thats got him doubting everything?? i mean hes really trying hard to NOT go into specifics here for some reason but if he doesnt know how he feels about you anymore for some odd reason then i think it best to just break things off. Any guy your with should have just as strong feelings for you as you do for him. He sounds like he just got bored because a couple of years in is usually when the "hunny moon" phase wears off and you start to really see each other as the imperfect humans you really are and not perfect gods and goddess like figures.
he may have this type of issue and isnt even aware of it. who knows, and you may not ever really get the answers your looking for.
One thing thats for sure is that your still young and theres still plenty of time to find someone new that will make you feel things again you didnt know you could with someone else.
Maybe since hes clearly taking time for himself, why dont you try to do the same? visit with friends you havent seen for a long time, pick up arts n crafts you love that dont require him or even a partner period. live for YOU right now and before you know it a few weeks will pass and youll be able to re-evaluate things with a clearer head and not rose colored glasses.
Its always nice to be in love but you have to see him for who he really is and who you really are, you cant fall in love with someones potential either, because we all have the potential to be anything or do anything, its weather or not they are up to the challenge and he may not be, he may know it, and he may be realizing some things about himself that hes not loving and could be shamed of it.
good luck ; )
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