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Life is an adventure but Life doesn't come with user manuals for everything. School subjects do little to prepare us. Its no wonder we all need helpful advice sometimes. Blessings to you!
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Hi, I'm a 14 year old girl which will probably put you off of this question immediately. I'm not like a lot of other girls who would say I'm depressed just because it's 'cool' nowadays. For that, I am ashamed of those people because I know from a close family member that depression isn't fun or anything good.
I'm not asking for pity or because I want attention. I just want to know if this is serious enough to go to a doctor without wasting their time on yet another teenager who thinks their life is crap.
My life isn't crap. Well, I mean it could be a lot worse. My mum and I aren't rich and we live on minimal benefits but we get by. Now we have an extra mouth to feed, it's a bit tougher for my mum and she's sleeping a lot of the time now. My dad doesn't live with us now but I don't really mind much. They weren't happy so it was for the best. And the only reason they stayed together was because of me. They forced themselves to be unhappy just so I could grow up to have a happy household, except it wasn't happy for them. They admitted this too so please don't say I shouldn't blame myself.
I haven't seen my best friend in over a year which makes me feel completely alone. Even when I'm around good company with my other friends, I tend to push this thought of loneliness away. I'm happy for a while even though they must think there isn't much else to me apart from what I show to them. I know they have their problems but they think there's are shittier (pardon the language) just because they had counselling. I can't afford that, I'm afraid. I get self-conscious a lot and feel I'm not good enough for anyone in the school to even consider liking me. Now that must seem completely shallow but it's true. I would like a boyfriend to keep me company and watch movies with them on the couch. Or something along the lines of that. But no further!
The fact is that I have laid my feelings bare onto this webpage shows that I might not exactly be the wisest person ever, but I need someone's opinion. I'm so sorry for the length of this as I thought I'd make it detailed. Thank you if you do answer, in advance, I think you are truly a good person for helping other strangers out for nothing. Congratulations :) thank you.
My guess is that you are lonely but also low on self confidence, low self esteem and may have shyness. On the other hand, it may be extra work hours for Mom but one symptom of depression as you well know is sleeping alot so it may be that Mom is depressed. When the first marriage didn't work out, it's harder for a woman to feel good enough about herself to put herself out there to date again if she wants to and perhaps your Mom is feeling that, too scared to try and maybe fail. Perhaps subconsciously you're picking up on how she is feeling and it is affecting you too.
Your phrase about fearing you may not be the wisest person to be sharing this all on an advice column, caught my attention. Thank you first for your ending compliments. You may be thinking more along the lines of safety regarding the internet and not giving out personal information. Telling your story is safe. Its not safe when giving your name, the town you live in or other track able info or banking info via the net or phone to anyone. That is not safe. So as to whether this is a wise move on your part, Yes! It takes a wise person to know when they need more perspective and information in order to solve their issues or to understand something. You've probably heard teachers also say, theres no such thing as a stupid question. Whats stupid is not asking in the first place. When I was a teen, I had low self confidence and esteem and was highly shy with social anxieties. I did have a few girlfriends, the ones who approached me first. But never had boyfriends. In my sr. year of HS I finally got tired of being so shy and wanted to get beyond that. Now that I have, Its easy for me to spot those who are really shy. No one wants to hang around someone so shy because they just don't appear to be fun to be around, and most often quite the opposite is true, that everyone has something wonderful to offer in friendship to others but they just don't know it cus of what they see on the outside. If you feel ready to gain self confidence, become more outgoing, self assured and so on, let me know as I would be glad to share with you what you can do by yourself to get over it without the aid of any Drs. If you truly have a condition that does require the aid of medication, it will become obvious to you if what I share doesnt help. I am one for going to a Dr. in an emergency of course, but when not an emergency, and if you are not feeling like commiting suicide (which you didnt mention) then my first choice always is to try other healing/helping methods before seeking out a Dr. Let me know dear. As intelligent as you are, I am quite sure you can find success in losing that self-consciousness and all that sort of stuff.
I have been really hesitant to post this because of fear of being told I am manipulating someone's "kindness" into something sinister or that I am reading too far into this, but ultimately this situation has escalated recently and I am feeling uncomfortable with it all.
To give some background, I just recently turned fifteen years old. I am a female in the 9th grade. I go to a Christian co-op (school alternative for homeschoolers, feel free to Google it) and take classes once a week. Now, I really enjoy it and have made a lot of friends there. The school is held at a church I have attended for over a decade. I used to look forward to school and it's in a safe place I have always associated with happiness and calmness, but not anymore. That's when this guy comes into play.
Let's call him "Max". Max is a senior at my school and is in one of my classes. Max is very popular in school. Max has always made me feel uncomfortable because of the way he looks at me and generally acts towards me in comparison to other people. Obviously looking at me isn't the only thing he does, but he stares at me relentlessly in class, never breaks eye contact, and smirks at me frequently. Until recently that is all he has done. About a month ago, right after my 15th birthday, he acting strangely. Let me elaborate ...
•Max has a very strange way of addressing ages, years and birthdays now. The first time he saw me after my birthday, he asked me, "When did you turn?" I was confused by this question and what it meant as he repeated it over and over until I realized he meant what age I had become. When another student (who is a junior male if it matters) mentioned they had a birthday soon as well, he only said, "How many?" If personally asked how old he is, he does not say an exact age but only says he "turned three months ago". After he turned fifteen he asked how long after I "turned" did I get my permit, and if I had fun "turning". I have never outright confronted him about it and have no idea what the purpose of this is. He apparently does not value time or acknowledging different ages or maturities.
•If I say bye or hello to someone else anywhere near him, I must also say it to him or he gets visually and verbally angry. Sometimes I have to say goodbye or hello to him ten times or he will act like I've done something horrible to him in front of all my friends.
•He offers me rides home and no matter how many times I reject him, he does not stop. He knows that I walk home despite the fact that I have never told him this. He leaves school one class period before I do, so he should not in any circumstance know how I get home.
•I have a twin sister who attends all my classes with me and Max does not acknowledge her presence or speak to her. We are identical if it matters.
•He got my phone number through a group project and now frequently texts me at all hours of the day or night. He tells me I am "beautiful" and the way I wear my hair down is "pretty", and that he hates girls who wear their hair up. He texts me late at night, anywhere from 11pm to 1am asking if I am awake. He also randomly texts me "Mmmmmmm" for no reason.
•He follows me to my lunch table, free periods and gets directly behind me when I am in line for lunch. Then he makes conversation with me, which always starts about something innocent such as cars and escalates. For example, he was telling me about his car and proceeded to say "The backseat is always clean". This is one of many sexually suggestive phrases he says.
•He sexualizes everything I do. When I get my lunch or bend down to grab something or touch my hair or smile, it's ALL apparently some sort of sexual action according to him.
That is just a generalized summary of his behavior before this past weekend.
Now, this past Halloween weekend, a huge Halloween party was held at a senior student's house and one of my friends was invited. She brought my twin sister and I along as guests. My friend arrived at the party half an hour earlier then me and called me to say Max was asking everyone where I was and Max also said he was going to be waiting outside at the door until I got there. When I arrived he was not there and was not seen until around an hour after, when he walked up behind me and told me I had "missed his amazing Halloween costume". He was dressed in normal clothes and showed me a picture of his costume on his phone. Then, in front of my friends, he called me "special" and proceed to
grab my hand and force me to touch him.
His shirt had graphics on the lower half of it and he was forcing me to trace them and trying to flatten my palm against his abdomen. I tugged my hands and became visually upset until a college student at the party walked over and told him to stop, at which point M invited me to his car. I was very angry at this point and the college student said that it wasn't happening. Max then said "he loved me" and left.
Now at this point he continues to text me. I am afraid to see him again. He is very popular in this school and has gone there for many years, and many of the teachers are like his family. This is my first year at the school and I barely know anyone. I am not sure who to tell in the school system. I want to continue going there but am afraid I will simply be told I am being ridiculous and exaggerating if I tell any teacher. The last thing I want to do is stop going to the school because of this. What should I do?
tl;dr A senior at my school texts me strange things late at night, forces me to touch him and says he loves me? What should I do?
If one of my daughters had had the same issues, I would have wanted her to come to me with it so I has her parent could handle it from there. If I were your mom, frankly I'd be outraged at this boys behavior.
I understand that many people like him and he may have behaved nicely in past years and that this is a Christian school, but there's a saying that "just because you find a mouse in the cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. Same with this boy. He may have Christian parents putting him there, but his behavior is entirely his own choices, no matter his upbringing.
You need to tell your parents or legal guardians. I worked in a small company office where all the girls had everything they said turned around and turned into something sexual by one guy working there and he'd proceed to tease us about being sexually perverted. So I know what you are talking about. To call you when you didn't give out your number and ask him to call is a nuisance. I hope you've told him to never call again. But for him to call so late at night, I can just imagine what he is doing. I've had crank calls that start innocently about an ad we posted but the guy turns convo to sexual stuff, likely wanting to hear a females voice while jerking off. For some, thats all they need. He's invited you into his car and forced you, grabbing your hand at this party to make you touch him. This is all sexual harassment. Hon, boys can at this age be very horny, but that is no reason for being out of control as he is and having no respect for you. I am concerned that he may be a bit unbalanced in the brain too. I think the reason he is continueing to harass you and not your twin is that there is something about your personality that makes him think you are too quiet and shy and don't like to rock the boat and cause trouble or that you may not be quite as self confident as your sis and more likely to cave eventually under the pressure he is putting on you so that he can talk you into having sex with him. So you need to start screaming and shouting and make a big scene if he tries to grab you in any way again.
In this rough world we live in, there are pychopaths, rapists and stalkers who all tend to single out what they believe are weak, and least likely women to fight back verbally, by reporting them, and that allows them to continue this kind of behavior unchecked. If you don't, even if he does give up, he'll go on to harass and possibly force a girl and get her pregnant in the future. He needs professional help and you need to say something tomorrow. Don't try to convince the teachers. Its for your parents to do. However if they wont believe you or dont want to rock the boat and talk to the principal, then you need to talk to the principal and let him/her know about this sexual harassment. It is also a police matter being sexual harassment. You see, there needs to be a paper trail on him. It may not be something to land him in jail, but he will be warned. Then if he repeats any offenses regarding you in the future, you complain to police again and in their records is notation of your previous contact regarding his offenses and now he doesnt get away with anything as easily and those in charge at the school will be watching him carefully. Until this is resolved, make sure to allow have your cell on you or borrow a friends in case you are not at school or home and this fellow shows up. If your parents already have been made aware of what this guy has been doing, they can show up where you are at, and Dad can warn the kid to stay away from you. As for your cell phone, they need to know he's calling to buy you late at night. I think the perfect thing for the next week is for your Dad to have your phone near him or also at his bedside so that the moment this boy calls, he can pick up and yell, Leave my daughter alone or I'll be calling the police. That is what you need dear and it won't happen unless you involve the parents. This isn't your fault and it won't make you look bad, but this is scary behavior from such a young man who if not stopped now may continue on to harass others or worse.
...of the Universe?????
Or is there not.......?
I put in the search words "online spiritual studies" and got a ton of hits. So rather than repost them all for you as I don't know what spiritual study will appeal to you most, try those search words so you can see and sort through for yourself. Good luck.
I'm 17 female and for the past half year or so I've been a health nut. I plan on taking a course in health and fitness science in college. I guess this is kinda a two in one question sort of. Anyway, first off, my dad has been getting on my nerves. He's been pressuring me to eat junk food when I don't want it and claims he still "supports" me. I'm actually wanting to make health and fitness my life and all he's ever done is tear me down "claiming" otherwise. I even sat down and had a talk with him asking for him to stop trying to pressure me and he said he would stop. but did he? No. In fact I think he's gone worse with it. I want to know how to deal with him because he's been making me real mad. If I have a extreme craving and can't make a healthy substitute I get something but I'm not gonna just make myself eat something unhealthy when I don't even want it. Plus, just about every kind of sickness runs in my family and I would like to be the first one to be healthy. So please a little advice on that. And I would also like some advice on how to get a head start with health and fitness science because my mom said I would have to work real hard because it would be hard. So maybe some sites or something to be helpful please? Thank you all for your help!
Since you've talked nicely to him, he promised to stop treating you this way but hasn't, it might be time to ask another adult to step in and help. Talk to your Mom about the issue and see if she can talk to Dad to lay it off regarding you. If not, he may be more likely to listen to a sibling or his parents advice concerning you...provided these other adults are more likely to be supportive of you. So try your paternal grandparents or your aunts or uncles, His sis & bro's.
If like one of my daughters, you prefer mostly the more expensive food products that can be found in health food stores, thats fine but i highly doubt Dad will see the reason to buy any preferred foods he wouldn't eat anyways. Generally if a parent is feeding their kids a balanced diet, even if not what you prefer, by law they have that right. If he's not offering healthy meals at all and only chips, cookies, icecream for meals, then you may want to have a talk with a school counselor and see what options you have as that isn't okay . If you want specialty foods, I would suggest getting a job, even a few hours will help, earn money to spend on the foods you want to eat and those not ready to eat, you prepare/cook them yourself also.
I don't know what kinds of sickness runs in your family. Some things can be inherited. But if some includes mental disabilities/diagnosed or not, you may have the tendency too. However alot can be done on ones own against anxieties or depression if thats the case. For that I suggest reading When Panic Attacks by David D. Burns. It was at my library but can be ordered in bookstores...another good reason to have some of your own money and if working isn't possible, ask grandparents to help out. Also excerise is just as important as nutrition so do what you can without rubbing it in the faces of family who dont exercise. In your room try doing yoga from a book, a rented DVD. Jogging or even walking or biking is a good way to get exercise. Check if school offers any yoga or aerobic dance, my daughter took her first yoga and aerobic dance in HS. Again, for head start to a fitness science degree, I'd ask the school counselor what you can be doing right now and have them check into that for you. Its less than a year til you graduate and some time soon you'll also be 18 and considered an adult, able to make your own decisions. Academic counselors are very much into guiding teens who are about to graduate as to what they can be doing to benefit their goal.
21/f
So I met a guy a couple months ago. He asked me out and we've been going on dates since. We're not official but we are seeing each other exclusively. I've met his friends and he said they all want to meet me. I've gone to his house and his roommate had said that he's been talking to her about you and she's happy she finally got to meet me.
He's sweet, he randomly surprises me with coffee at work and small things like that.
Bottom line is that he's a great guy, I like him, and it's going well.
The other night I went to his place for the first time and watched movies and we did end up kissing and he did say he'll go with whatever I'm comfortable with.
I know if I was giving advice to this answer, I'd pretty much say that if you're comfortable, trust him, take precautions like birth control and condoms, you feel ready to take that step, and you want to, then you should.
It's just a little different than what I'm used to though. Like my past relationships, I knew them a lot longer and was friends with them beforehand. This time I met the guy a couple months ago and here we are.
How long did you wait before having sex with someone? I know each person is different. And any other advice to give?
Being friends first with the other sex partners, there was a level of trust already between you two. Trust takes a while to grow and requires a consistant good behavior from your partner that you learn you can trust, because it is constant, never varies, and you know what you can expect.
With a newer relationship, that same level of trust may not be there yet and that alone could make you hesitate even if you feel the desires.
So other than trust, what other reasons might there be to become sexual sooner, the plusses and minueses?
The real big minus is how women view sex with someone they've just met. Heres an explanation:
Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
So the danger in becoming sexual is your emotions getting hooked on him even if he may not make the best long term mate for you in the end and the heart not able to separate having sex for sex sake cus your body wants and needs it and having sex as an outpouring and showing of how much and how deeply you are in love.
The plusses of having sex with a new guy early on are: Its a good stress reliever so why be stressed because you havent had sex in a while, and the other is that having sex earlier in a relationship if the attraction and desire and chemistry is strong enough for it to be a good experience, its a good way to learn if the man is similar in what he likes, or if there have to be too many compromises on one partners part which over time makes one feel unfulfilled and the other resentful. Its best to find your equal sexually if looking for a life mate. Also important for a life mate is being each others best friend. that takes more time than sex which can be instant. What I mean by having your 'equal' in sex is that both of you have pretty much the same libido. My ex had a low one and I was high so I never got what I needed. When one is okay with once every two weeks and the other wants several times per week, theres a major problem already. Also is what are turn ons and desires of your partner. If only one enjoys anal, or oral sex and the other doesnt, theres a mismatch again. The same for other kinkier things, BDSM, roleplay, watching porn and ones views on that, etc. Theres odd stuff like (water play) peeing on ones partner too which can turn some people on but be disgusting to the other. hates it, or having him do certain things to arouse you that he finds disgusting mean you dont get to have the full experience you deserve. So sex actually is a big thing as far as relationships go. Lots of talk with each other about sex and what each other likes is a good idea before going for it. This way you can discuss safe sex and if you've both had partner before, perhaps both go for std testing including herpes which one must ask specifically for to get. This is one that a good majority of people have, are carriers of but don't know it cus they've never had an outbreak and may never have but can pass it on to someone who does break out. Its depends on strength of ones immune system, their basic health and how much stress is in their life, stress being a major trigger. If all seems good in detailed conversation of both your expectations, then I see no reason to wait unless you fear your heart becoming too attached too quick. Its a good thing to find out if the guy thinks he's a terrific lover but your experience is that he's a lazy lover who doesnt care about you enough and discovering that sooner than later is best so not to invest too much time with a guy where its not going to get better.
Also, are you looking for a guy with some feelings for you before having sex, one who simply loves some things about you or one who is in love with you? These are things for you to look for when going down this road.
So as an investigatory tool, I find having sex sooner than later, a good thing is you already like his personality and feel great attraction. He is not trying to convince you to have sex but leaving it all up to you. He's there cus he is attracted or he wouldnt waste the time. It also shows good character that he is leaving it up to you to make the first move...same with my 2nd husband and he's the best I've ever had sexually.He sounds like a wonderful guy and someone worth finding out more about and getting closer to. Good luck with your decision. Hopefully what I've shared helps some.
I need to forget about my ex husband how can I forget about him
So you are hoping for a way to totally block a person from your memory? Thats not how it works. Our memories are always going to be there tucked away in our minds, coming to the forefront at times whether memories of childhood, from school, work, a spouse, etc... Only with amnesia is a person not able to remember but then its not usually selective like forget the things you want, its a 'forget all' situation.
What I think you are really looking for is a way to be rid of any negative/hurtful emotions connected to him. I do understand fully having negative emotions attached to an ex as I was verbally abused. My whole marriage was nothing but hurtful situations, demeaning, belittling, etc. I also later thought I found the guy for me after the ex and he went back to his wife whom he was supposedly divorcing. So I know its possible to get past having any hurtful emotions arise any time I think of him for whatever reason, even rejection. Its not easy to do on ones own. If as Adviceman said due to kids, he's in your life to some extent forever, which is my case even tho kids are grown now,then its especially important to get counseling and seek healing for your emotions. If some sort of abusive behavior was involved, then like me, you would be a victim of trauma and I needed healing to get past my coping mechanisms which are counter productive to new relationships and life in general. I can say that for me, changing my perspective as to why God would allow that to happen to me and being able to forgive him in my heart was the biggest thing to my emotions no longer being involved. No, I dont love him or even like him as a friend, but I also dont hate or feel hurt and can tell others my story without pain. I use my story so often only to help others, not because it troubles me still.
While my method may not work for you due to your set of beliefs, it worked for me and is based on believing there is a God but he gave each of us a free will to do whatever we wish, whether good or not so good. His stepping in to stop my ex from abusing me would have meant, taking that mans free will away and forcing him without choice to treat me nicely. Thats not how the God I know operates. Tho I believe in Jesus, I also believe their is reincarnation and have read much on it. God keeps creating new souls as the population of the world has increased. So there are the return souls that are much more mature, still having things to learn or are here in service for other younger souls. If you've heard the expression that "She/He is an old soul", it would mean one whose incarnated many times, and to me thats like moving up grade levels in school of knowledge and understanding. So at any point in time, there are souls who are kind and caring and also those capable of hurting, killing, cheating, etc. I had something to learn as a soul that I wouldn't have if not for the added 'pressure' of how I was treated. So like in the bible stories, someone has to play the 'Judas' role, whose actions were negative but in the scheme of things, actually worked out okay for what Gods bigger plans and goals. I had to learn to love myself enough to remove myself from such a situation, meaning to divorce when the church taught me to trust God to heal my marriage. Finally God got through to me and explained why that wasn't going to happen in my case since the ex wasn't a willing soul to change right then. Still thought he was right and nothing wrong with him. When I changed my viewpoint from all the years of hurt done to me, to a view of his being a key instigator in my souls ability to learn something that I wouldnt have without him, I become thankful that he had been in my life and that changed my emotions connected to him. No, it wasn't a fun way to learn what I needed to learn, it was very painful and stressful with negative impacts to my bodys health during those times. But I for one, do want to daily become a better person than i was the day before, so he was a needed tool there. And so I was able to forgive the hurts and pains. Most can't do this on their own and need a counselor to help them through. I wish the same for you dear. If you want to talk more about this, just write to me.
I don't know what to use for my nose because my skin isn't the oily type, and my nose gets dry, blackheads and tiny pimples. Are there any suggestions on drugstore products I can use for this? Thanks!
Here's what I use and it works great for me. Some stuff just doesnt come out with scrubbing which I recommend you do first. Then on clean nose, dampen skin just a bit, enough to activate nose pore dirt removing strip. Let it dry and it removes even the tiniest little white things from pores. Here is a link to product Biore that I use.
http://www.biore.com/en-US/breakup-with-blackheads/pore-strips
20s/ F
I have had boyfriend for quite sometime now. 2 and a half years. Knew him for 7 years prior to that and he is just pushes me to always do better and he's absolutely my best friend. For the past 2 years we would argue about petty things and about a month ago I got fed up and completely broke things off. In that time I met someone else. late night talks in his car, drinks, hanging out with his friends. well one night one thing led to another and we slept together. couple weeks go by and we spotted talking completely. Saw him again not to long and he acted as if we never stopped talking and he was teasing me and he kept winking at me which is our little inside joke... Now, I decided to give my boyfriend a second chance and just start over with a clean slate. Literally the best thing I have ever done. Things are better than they were before. We see each other every other day, he comes over my house, we go out to do different things its just wonderful. however, I did start having feelings for the other guy at the time and there isn't a day that goes by that he doesn't cross my mind or that I want to check up on him and see how he is doing but I always stop myself. What should I do?
First we need to look at the differences between men and women regarding how they feel about sex and how it affects them.
Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before having sex with a guy, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
Based on what I just shared, it is common for you as a woman to feel some kind of emotional feelings for guy number 2.
What you need to ask yourself is what you are looking for in a guy as far as a long term relationships. What does that kind of guy acts like, how he treats you, what you have in common, that which one are both of you upholding and supporting the wants, needs, goals of the other, and once you've figured it out in great detail, then use that list as the measuring device to measure up each guy to see which comes closest to being Mr. Right for you and also you want to be The One for him. So if one is not ready for commitment, just casual dating and being social and wants sex, then he's not likely the best candidate for you to focus your attention and energy on. If you have one who cant stand not having you in his life and you feel the same, then thats the one where youre in love. Just loving a couple things about someones character is not enough to sustain a healthy long term relationship which I assume you want. If you decide neither one fits the bill, then break up with both and keep looking.
How can I stop fear from robbing me out of self confidence to do things? I'm not lazy, I'm a hard worker, I've always been the person to outwork someone in most creative projects (out of passion and also having no life, and rarely seeing "friends") but I often step on my own foot and squash opportunities for myself out of random anxiety. It's a problem that has plagued me since my adolescence, and really dampers my quality of life when I even have difficulty applying to a college, despite having good qualities, like being an enthusiastic student and good writer, because i don't organize my time to properly do everything I want in an application and feel very afraid of failure even when you lose 100% of the shots you don't take. I want a Ph.D. someday, the cost of college isn't an issue to me, it's like a fight against myself to do things in my own favor, to plan for something from months ahead. I got into the habit since my childhood of doing things at around the last minute which you just can't do with a proper college application for a decent school, with all the supplements, teacher recs and everything. How do I make progress in my life instead of letting anxiety keep me fixed in one place? I'm 20 and I'm still about to apply as an undergrad. I didn't tell anyone I didn't actually apply the past 2 years cause of my anxiety holding me back. I used to blame my school for not helping with the admissions process (it was extremely overwhelming to me, and still is, but kind of less, the older I've gotten) but it's really on me. I know I'm smart enough and I have good test results for where I want to go, but yeah, I don't know if it's just low self esteem or what. I was pretty depressed from ages 17 to 19, saw a number of psychologists, went through life and learned to accept and enjoy doing things on my own (than being sad about having no friends all the time) and now feel better, but now the main thing upsetting me is not being in school, I miss studying, taking notes, taking tests, I crave it. I've spent a lot of my time out of school self studying. I pretty much have no social life, apart from when I drag myself to a concert every couple of months. Music was pretty much the only thing that made me happy as a teenager, throughout my hellish high school experience. Apart from self studying, like learning about random topics in depth (health and environmental related, lately. I've literally been obsessed for the past couple of months) I'm a really diligent worker at my part time job, tutoring kids. I applied to the job instead of a restaurant or something so I could keep my mind sharp and also help kids in a program that helped me get better in math as a child. Hopefully it looks good for colleges, too, than helping peopl advance their heart disease. But then again, it's a job im privileged to do, cause if I was poor enough and my boss didn't know my parents perhaps I would have to work at a place I disagree with, like McDonald's, just to live. Anyways, so at work I just go 110% even though it's just a part time job, as its the main thing I have going on. It's kind of sad. Most of the workers tend to slack cause it's just about money to them, but I kind of go overboard, it's kind of therapeutic to work, honestly. I want to do math and Econ but I'm afraid it might look bad to do math, if I'm not straight out of high school. See, my dumb insecurities. Sorry this is such a mess, this is just me talking, unedited. I'll appreciate any advice, I'm kind of sensitive right now, so please be constructive.
What you are experiencing is anxieties and self defeating behavior and many many humans have experienced this at times. Just that some experience a more severe type and more often or on going. I tend to think humans have a weakness for turning to this.
But the good news is, there is a kind of therapy for this. I used to have anxieties myself and the anxieties naturally lead to self defeat in your goals. They are both tied closely together. The help has been made available through a book written by a psychologist who used to rely on medication to treat anxieties among other things. When he finally learned of this newer therapy and tried it with his hardest to help clients with their ok, they achieved great results. I am talking about a book called "When Panic Attacks
Dr. David D.Burns shows you how to overcome every conceivable form of anxiety using CBT cognitive behavioral therapy, including
Chronic worrying
Phobias, including Agoraphobia
Panic Attacks
Shyness
Public Speaking Anxiety
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD)
He has many different therapys to work at exposing and getting rid of anxieties, no matter what level of fear or panic if any you experience.
You may find the book at your library as I did or if a book seller doesnt have, it can be ordered. Trying to diagnos which particular treatment will work for yourself can be very hard. I've read through the book and the questions he asks the reader to answer first, I found it hard to do. Its much better to find a psychologist who uses the CBT method with clients to get the help you need. It wont be years or many months of treatments according to his track record with patients. Usually a few appts and the person is improved or cured. I have nothing to gain, I just know a good thing when i come across it and want you to see freedom in these areas too. Heres his website. I'd ask there for recommendation of Drs. in your area who use CBT. Good luck.
http://feelinggood.com/
Okay, I have this brother who is in his 20s and is currently a father to 3 kids. But the problem is he hasn't been spending that much with them nor he isn't around much to help take care of them. It's always his ex's mother and on the weekends, it's me and my mother. So my question is: How can slap some family sense into him?
Well, if he's in his 20's, likely he hasn't grown up yet. Most people don't really shape up and decide what they really want to do with their life until 28,29, 30. This is a time of self discovery and deciding who you are.
Unfortunately he wasn't thinking about his freedom or the coming lack of it when considering getting some woman pregnant. So if he's not with the mother, he needs to be paying child support at the very least. The hard truth, is that there isn't a 100% way to get a person to wise up quickly or make a big change in their life. Most people have to generate a deep desire from within to change and step up to the plate and be an adult. Theres no mention of a Dad for him and you so that may have affected him...no Dad to speak into his life. A bunch of female family members yammering at him to be a more active Dad isn't going to make a change, He might make himself even more scarce to avoid you. What he needs is a male father figure, some male in his life that he respects and is close enough to, who will have a talk with him. So put your heads together and see who there might be that fits the bill...and it has to be a man who already is doing the responsible thing and can share from his own experience. Thats about the best shot you have at possibly him changing his ways. Cus you can lead a horse to water but you can't force him to drink, and he's the horse.
If he's still choosing to be rebellious and try to live the single life, then young impressionable children are better off not having him around as the male role model in their lives. It may be better for them if a mature man comes along to marry their mom and be the man to raise them. They'll know they have a birth father but their real Dad will be the one who raised them.
Should I stay or go back to my hometown?
Some details on me: I am a 24 year-old male recent college grad who just moved away from my hometown: a small town in California to a big city on the East Coast. I got a job here and in the several months I have been here, I've adjusted well and am making good money. I've also made friends and truly admire the city I live in which is something I never felt in California. In fact, I moved away from California is because I simply hated it. Now, I am 100 percent happy with where I live, my job, my financial situation, and life is good.
Here is the problem...
My father back in California has been battling cancer for a while. During the time I was living at home, he was actually doing well and has been stable. However, just when I started to adjust to my new life in this city, my dad started to get worse, and I am not there. He still has on-and-off days, but to put it simply, the possibility of him getting better again or possibly dying is a complete mystery at this point.
My dad lives in his house with roommates. My mom still lives in the same town as him, but they are not married and also don't even like each other. I have an older sister who also moved away to a different state the same time that I did.
Ever since my dad had this dip in his condition, I have been feeling extremely guilty for moving away and I am at a crossroads with no clue what to do. It looks like I have to choose 1 of 2 options.
1: Stay in this city that I love, keep working and making money, keep doing what makes me happy while leaving my sick dad back at home, not knowing how his condition will turn out, while still flying back home to see him every few months and holidays.
or
2: Quit my job and my life that I adjusted to here, and pick up all my stuff and move back home and not make money (Since I hate California so much I've already agreed I wouldn't work there), and see my dad more often. (as well as my mom)
I have no idea what to do. I feel so guilty about moving away while my dad is sick at home. I have mentioned to my dad the idea of moving back home, but he told me that I should stay in my current city and keep doing what makes me happy. He says that he would feel selfish if he made me move back home, knowing that I would be unhappy. But at the same time, it doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty. Should I be feeling like this?
What should I do?
If Dad were not ill, would you still feel guilty for having moved so far away from Mom or Dad that it would be hard to see them often? They were willing to let you go and move on with your life so don't make Dads battle worse by making him feel guilty that you give up your life to come back.
I understand you want to be able to spend quality time with him in case he doesn't go into remission again or worse. But from what you wrote, you already knew he had a diagnosis of cancer when you made the decision to leave, just that he was doing a bit better...but you still made that decision. Ask yourself why? Is there really alot you can do for him if his health gets worse? Unless you have training in hospice care or have been doing caregiving for the sick and elderly, then you are not equipped to give him what he really might need. So all you could do is sit around and visit and grow bored. Humans have the odd feelings they have when their thoughts are a bit distorted. If you think it through, with the technology of today, theres lots of ways to keep in touch regularly which is what a parent wants from their children. My daughters keep in touch regularly by phone, the one in the area and the one out of state. So I know I am loved and thought of. No, its not quite the same as being there in person, but the only difference I see is that I can't get a hug via phone or internet. With Skype today, He can even see you as you both chat and that is something I would suggest you do very regularly even if he says its not necessary. I talked to my Mom 3 or 4 days before she died of cancer. I lived close but had my own family, 3 little kids and a husband and a job and pretty much handled most everything as the husband didnt do much. So I couldn't visit her daily. Took the kids and our dog to see her on a Sunday, and I think it was Wed. morn my sister called to say Mom had died. I immediately thought of my last conversation with her which had been quality stuff. My younger sister tended to stay by Moms side all the time and Mom was ready to go but didn't want my sister to experience the traumatic event of seeing her alive and breathing one moment and taking her last breath at the next. In fact, Mom encouraged my sis to go to sleep and get some rest at midnight. By time sis got up, Mom was gone. She didn't want her to go thru watching her pass on. So if your Dad doesnt want his children hovering around either, its best to honor his wishes but for your sake, keep in touch regularly. God Bless.
I have 2 1/2 months before I go off to a big college.
I'm bored out of my mind while I take classes at my current private college and work part-time.
I already got accepted into one college, but I'm waiting on a response from the other two which could take up until mid December. One of them is a Uni that I REALLY want to get into, but we'll see. I also can't wait to rush for a sorority. I know I might not get in, but I really hope to, I spend a ton of time researching sorority life.
I can barely tolerate my current life though and I find myself aggravated everyday because I have nothing to do in my small hometown. All of my friends have already moved off to college so I have nobody to hang out with and I don't want to date when I'll be moving soon too. I feel like all I do is hang around with my mom who's a paranoid hypochondriac and drives me crazy with all her fake ailments and stories. She doesn't understand why I want to move and doesn't approve of it, but I just cannot tolerate living with her for much longer and college life sounds like a dream compared to my current life.
Even when I'm trying to occupy myself with hobbies or activities all I can think of in the back of my head is dorming, sororities and just the overall college experience.
Help! The days are going by so slow because I can't keep my mind off of it and how far away it seems.
If your town is so small there aren't any help agencies that you can volunteer at, think about some of the local businesses and see if you can volunteer your time there if they could use a few hours of extra help per week. Think of it this way, you aren't earning any money right now anyhow so why not try to gain some work experience for a company by volunteering and having them train you for some basic easy tasks. Its even better if the business is vaguely related to, or has some thing in common with the vocation you are aiming your schooling on. A smaller business is more likely to take on free help as they can use it but can't afford to pay another employee yet and you gain experience so its a win-win for both.
I'm a 19 year old female. So I was talking to this guy for about a month and I was honestly falling head over heels for him. He made me open up about things I never talk to anyone about. I hadn't felt this comfortable with a guy since forever ago. We got really close and one thing lead to another and we hooked up. Days later things were normal he'd still talk to me everyday but I would get kind of impatient about hanging out again because when you like someone that much and hit it off like that you just want to be with that person as often as possible. I think it kind of scared him off cause out of no where he just stopped talking to me and replying to me. So then I finally asked him once and for all what was going on with us and he told me we rushed things and he wasn't ready for all the expectations I had. My only expectations were that I wouldnt be just a booty call and maybe after dating for a while and getting to know each other we could put a label on it. Now a couple weeks later he pretty much told me he's willing to try things out only as friends with benefits, did I get played?
I must say there is truth in what both people said.
Truth be told, men who finally in their 30s or at 40 look back, they regret how many young women they hurt and how many great relationships they passed over because they did the dumb thing while young. At the same time, young women do not totally understand men very well. Heres a main reason why.
SEX: Women want to experience a certain emotional closeness before sex, while men view sex as a route to this closeness. Woman regard sex as both an accompaniment to a strong relationship and a method of securing that relationship in the first place. For men, its a physical act that can lead to an emotional bond but they often seek sex just for the sake of sex. For women, the emotional bond is tied into the physical act so they have difficulty seeing the two separately and thus have the hard time with still feeling love for a guy who mistreats them or broke up with them.
Sooo, because men and women are naturally made to be this way regarding sex, it is best to have a talk with someone you are finding yourselves mutually attracted to, right at the beginning. And the talk is regarding sex and your personal ideals. It might start like, "Even though sex may happen some time in the future, or not...now is the best time to let you know what my expectations are, and/or boundaries. Then tell him. This means you have to figure out way ahead of finding a guy, what it is you are looking for and not be afraid to state what it is and ask for it. Let him know that if he doesnt feel he can measure up or that he is not ready, or is not willing to abide by your wishes and rules, then it is okay with you if he walks away and looks for someone else. And you have to be willing to let someone walk away. This is best done before sex because of women creating an emotional bond after sex.
Some women are tired of the commitment to a long term partner but still want sex and are plenty happy to be a friends with benefits or find a guy to be just her booty call. I was in that position after a divorce and before finding the right guy to marry. I held off on sex long enough to get to know if I could at least be friends with, trust the person enough to go a step further and have sex. I had that twice, a guy younger than me and a guy my age. There are ways to tell if a guy is turned on by you without him making the moves on you. I saw it in both. They knew my position, that I would let them know if and when I was ready and if they weren't, then we didn't as was the case with some guys...yes, I had adult men who did not want to become sexual, just wanted a ladys companionship/friendship. And both must respect the others wishes. If you at 19 want the kind of man ready to commit to only you, settle down and marry and have kids, honey, there just aren't many mature enough or ready to make that kind of commitment and take on that kind of responsiblity. Heck, most guys aren't usually ready for that until their late 20s if not later. There are always exceptions to the rule but those guys are not many and hard to find.
The biggest problem you have is that both of you are inexperienced in how to relate to the opposite sex and not knowing the how tos of communicating what you need and want and expect and dont want. Guys need to be able to share these things with girls too.
I will also state that it is common for males of any age to be overwhelmed by fear when things progress too quickly and are going so well and perfect. MOst of us expect difficulty and time to get close. I had this happen with a guy in his early fifties. He freaked out after two weeks of seeing each other every other day and the upcoming weekend, he asked me if we could not meet then and not the following week either. He needed some time to himself. I gave him the time without any worry to have time to think things over...men do this best in alone time and it varies how much time they need. After only 3 days, he'd come to the conclusion that since I was making no expectations of him, that I was just willing to date as long as we were still interested, that he wanted to get back togehter sooner. I got the text at work to call him. So at break, I called and he admitted he didnt think I'd call him cus I'd be angry at him. I said I wasn't. He asked me to come by after work which I did. Once face to face, he explained how he had weirded out and got scared but not that he'd thought about it, he was ready to continue to date me. He was not making a life time commitment to be my mate or husband and we both knew that.
Perhaps that is where your guy is at. ASsk him, dont assume.
What is four play?
You were given the definition of foreplay. In case you wonder why its called that, fore means Located at or toward the front or beginning. SO when used regarding sex, it is all that happens before intercourse which is a fancy name for the part you know as penis in vagina sex.
Although some may attempt to skip the foreplay and go straight to intercourse, keep in mind that women take often longer than men to be aroused enough to start producing lubrication--getting wet and ready. So if skipping foreplay, then use personal lube.
I must add that in some cases, in not wanting to get pregnant, or for whatever other reason, a couple can please each other and both enjoy orgasms just with foreplay and no penis in vagina sex.
Thank you for your remarks. I'm new to this forum. Is there a way to continue a conversation?
As far as writing back and forth several times, we can do so by your initiating the convo, sending just to my column as you just did. I only get the new question, not a history of what previous question answers were and I never have any info as to who sent it, whether an outsider or another advice giver wanting advice. So I usually tell people that if they need to have a 2nd response from me, to refer a bit to what their previous question was. If the convo may go back and forth several times, it might be better for you to come up with a name, (your own not needed) Its best for both parties to remain anonymous for security reasons. So even if you are an advicegiver on here lets say, I dont need to know if you dont want me to know, just come up with something random...like Skipper, Spicegirl, LuvDove...you get the picture. I can go back to my column to reference all questions sent to me or ones I answered. If you need me to sign at bottom with Dragonfly, I can do so.
I have invited another woman to have sex with my husband while I watch. She and I have meet and I like her, she is just the type I wanted for this experience.
She and my husband have not meet and won't until the night of the event. She is coming to our home where we will enjoy drinks and conversation first.
I'm looking for ideas on how to make the transition between conversation and sexy time smooth and less awkward. She and I have talked about bondage and restraint being part of the evening.
Ideas? Suggestions?
I like the ideas you were given already so I dont have more there but I do have something else related to the subject to say.
I've got a background in the swing world so I have questions for you. You don't need to answer me, just decide based on what you'd answer, what to do.
Theres a piece of information missing...a vital one when it comes to bringing in a new sex partner for the first time, even if only for one time.
You say you invited, you met her, and you approve of her for the experience. The thing you did not say is whether both you and husband have discussed this beforehand, he's all for it and left it to you to set up or whether this is all a surprise and he has no clue you are doing this for him.
You dont mention age either. I will state that few from 20 to mid 30s ever did this or lasted long as it takes a great level of maturity in the person as well as in their relationship to be able to handle this and also, many are in child bearing years so often the wives or girlfriends didn't want to take a chance of accidently geting pregnant by another guy if only condoms were used.
Lets says its a surprise, maybe he's highly sexual with you, high libido so you're sure he can handle and get it up for another woman. Maybe he likes watching porn too so you're sure it will be a treat for him. Here's what can go wrong, just so you aren't disappointed if it doesnt work out.
Yes, some guys can have sex with just about any woman regardless if they feel attraction or not...thats often the case for younger men. However, in the club I attended, even though men were willing, the majority were late 30's thru 60s and it was mostly couples who'd been married a good length of time. Sooo, the husband was subconsciously tuned more to his wife and either could not get hard for another...a few had this problem. But half of the rest of them had trouble staying hard and it wasn't due to a medical reason for erectile dysfunction. My ex when it was our first time with a new woman, could not get it up. Swing partners of mine went limp several times when with me and their wives noticed and asked to have a moment to help "fluff him up" again...giving him oral sex or just the touch of her hand for a bit for him to respond. So be prepared to do so in case this happens for you. The conscious mind may be willing but the subconscious mind is so used to responding to you out of his love for you after so many years that it often takes some time before he can mentally adjust so everything works right.
Another is his personal chemistry with the woman. Though she may be attractive and have a nice personality, even the handsomest or prettiest can still be a turn off for some. Let me explain. The pheremone thing is a big part of this. We all have our own scent and taste. It becomes evident to a potential partner and those who have very close or similar scents are going to be the most attracted to and desirous of wanting to have sex with another. Here's how it can go wrong. On many an occasion, I found in just kissing, before clothes came off, that I couldn't stand the scent of his breath or the taste of his mouth or saliva. That should have been a warning sign. People sweat too, even while having sex, and if the scent of his normal body odor with clothes on made my nose cringe and I really didn't like it, that should be a warning too. Then when it came time to go down on a guy with whom I'd already not liked the scent of in other ways, when I got my face to where his musk scent was strongest, my stomach lurched and I thought I would gag and throw up just from the smell. He was clean, it was just that his natural scent was too different from mine that it smelled bad. A person will only smell good, even if really sweaty after a workout if the other has a similar body scent. Yes, a person can force themselves to go through with it, but it wont be a very fond memory and they may not wish to try again due to the experience.
Lastly, even though you may feel you can handle watching and in fantasizing about it, you get turned on, your subconscious mind again may feel differently knowing that before wasn't as threatening and this time is for real. What causes problems if you haven't done this ever before is when your partner make certain noises they dont ever do with you, maybe even do some things differently with another than done with you and your mind begins to make comparisons and jealousy strikes. Jealousy is a fear of loss, usually because our thoughts are taking in what we see and hear and interpreting and distorting in our minds what is happening to the point our emotions become involved where we compare and feel that perhaps we are lacking somehow and the current sex partner is somehow better, and that leads to being angry at our partner for having sex differently with someone else, seeming to enjoy something more or the girl enjoys it more, and then comes the fear of eventually losing ones partner. We had many many couples we swapped with who either the husband got jealous and felt my husband was getting too close 'emotionally' to his wife or the wife felt I was too close to her husband that way.
Thats all I can think of at the moment as the main concerns. It may surprise you, but I asked many couples whose idea it was to start swinging, doing 3 somes, joining a swing club and in the greater majority, it was the female who brought up the idea or started that ball rolling.
I also lastly want to add, that while you may want to only watch, it is many a mans fantasy to have several women work on him at the same time. One wife went around a club recruiting a couple women, me included to help give her husband a special birthday present...4 women working his cock at the same time. Theres not much room to do more than each licking. But to have both of you doing something at the same time might be something he'd like. Especially if you have him tied up at your mercy. It doesnt have to even be kinky. If he says, yes to having both of you work on him... exactly what cant be his choice, the two of you decide. Both work the cock or one there while one is kissing and playing with nipples or stroking another errogenous zone for him. He may like it, he may not, but since you
are planning this, its worth a try.
This probably sound very common to you but I have to accentuate the VERY in this situation because it's true; I can't even choose which colour to paint my fingernails. Currently I'm in a sticky situation in which my music teacher has ordered a viola for me because I wanted to try it out but now I'm having some doubts. Here's the whole story:
1. My friend decided to play the viola and I found it might be fun to try out a new instrument along with a friend. I asked my parents and they were a little hesitant but said yes.
2. We told our music teacher we wanted to play viola and he ordered two since we don't have any violas at our school.
3. My friend decided she had two much on her plate already and decided not to play viola.
4. I started thinking about it and noticed quite a few flaws in my plan: I didn't have a friend to play with which was one of the reasons I had wanted to do this in the first place, I had a very tight schedule as well and had to focus way more on my academics, I did some research onlin and found out that viola wasn't the most agreeable instrument.
5. Now, I am very confused and this is where my indecisive nature comes in and messes everything up even more.
I don't know if I should play viola or not. I know you will tell me to follow what my heart tells me or something along those lines but the thing is, I am completely in the middle right now. I'm not even SLIGHTLY leaning towards one side. Help is greatly appreciated, thanks!
Our own mind is sometimes our worst enemy when we overthink things or under think things.
To help yourself, if you haven't already tried this, Make two lists, one is all the reasons why taking viola now is a good thing and the other list, reasons why it isn't or may not be a good decision. It may take a while to come up with reasons but carry it around with you so as you aren't focusing on it and answers come to you, you can jot them down. It can even be silly or frivilous reasons too, even the fact your friend dropped out as a reason on the negative side. You might want to ask parents or teachers or friends for reasons why to continue or to stop that they can think of. Add those only if you feel they apply to how you feel. In the end, the column with the most reasons written, wins. It will be easier to make a decision then once your mind has had a chance to read over again the reasons why to make your choice.
I will add one more thing... a thought of my own based on how my daughters H.S. was set up. They basically had 3 or 4 schools within the school where the classes available where all within the type of 'schooling' you felt you leaned towards. There was the 'technology' school, 'scientific' school, another I dont remember and creative/ arts. Music: playing an instrumental fell under this heading as well as singing. Also included was drama, and any art classes like drawing, pottery, writing etc. All my daughters went thru the creative arts studies. So think about what other things may fall into creative or art catagory which You do have an interest in currently. Or are you more into computer and technology type of things interest wise, or maybe experiments, problem solving, inventing and science are where most your interest lies. Your interest may be split too in 2 catagories. If you are middle school or 1st yr high school try classes with both to see if you really have a great interest in something. If you are not passionate enough after checking something out, its okay to drop it and switch your focus. For a while, most of us, even through our college years are still trying to figure out what to focus studies on, or what type of vocation/job we'd love the most and excell at. So its okay to try things cus thats the only way to find out if we really like something. Thats why moms always tell their kids to at least try a bite of a new food before saying you don't like it.
What does it mean when a man says I wear my heart on my sleeve
There are obvious answers I've heard that apply to many others who use the same statement. Although, in the end, to really understand him best, it might be best to ask him for examples of what it means to him. It may mean some but not all of the following:
I am a touchy-feely personality type.
I get very emotional really easily.
I openly display my feelings.
I am an open book, I don't hide any secrets.
I am not afraid as a male to shed tears.
I can be hurt very easily.
My emotional state is written all over my face.
I fucked my girlfriend from back side is there any chance to pregnant
Change of position while having penis in vagina sex (intercourse) doesn't make any difference on a girl getting pregnant or not. If you get semen and sperm inside her and she is ovulating at the time and she is not on the pill, then you can consider yourself a daddy.
Next time you want sex, be prepared, have condoms on. Also, before getting anywhere near to having sex, ask the girl if she is on some kind of contraceptive/birth controll. This is all part of how a mature person goes about having sex responsibly. Its time to also self educate cus when you are in the middle of having sex, you can't just write us for advice. So better to be armed with knowledge and since its no longer taught in schools, you need to really go after self educating your self on sex, birthcontrol and all the difference and abilities of the female sexual anatomy. Start with library, find books in bookstores or search for those you can download. Look on you tube for such videos and keep looking. If you want a referral to a good site, let me know and I'll give that.
One of my best friends has metastatic breast cancer. It's starting to progress pretty quickly at this point, although she still has some really good days. So, here's my question to you all...
We've always been attracted to each other. However, because her gf (who is actually an ex at this point...its complicated) and I are good friends and we're adults, we've never, ever acted on it. Talked about it, but never done anything. If we'd met before she met my friend, we'd be together, for sure. But she and the gf don't have sex, ever, and haven't for a very, very long time. She says the gf is a really, really bad lover. But she does want to have one night of great, passionate sex before the cancer takes away her ability to enjoy it. We haven't talked about this at all, but I can give that to her, and I'd LIKE to give that to her. I just don't know if its appropriate to make the offer. I was thinking it would only be a one-time thing, and kept completely confidential forever and ever. Is this a really bad idea?
No not a bad idea. However, females form emotional bonds very quickly when sex is involved so who knows, maybe one time might put her in a position of wanting you more. The real question is whether you are single or in a relationship yourself. If you are, then its a bad idea, even if its something you want to do just once and just a good reason, you just aren't available. Lets say your lover comes to you and says they want to do this same special thing for a friend, just once...would you be okay with it? Or what if you were never told and found out later? Would it feel like cheating to you.
She pretty much has told you everything she's feeling and wishing for. If someone can be that open to share such a wish with you, obviously she is hoping you'll volunteer, so she doesn't have to come out and ask and be turned down.
Depending on how bad the cancer has spread and what doctors prognosis for her is, either she has a chance yet to fight it and recover or has been given a short time to live. If she recovers, I don't think that cancer or any other kind of illness can take away ability to enjoy sex unless we're talking about removing sex organs, clit and vagina too. You might have to provide more info that I am not aware of. All I know is that often, a person who has struggled with something terrible can believe themselves to be damaged goods whom no one will want now. And thats the only thing I know of that could take away ones ability to enjoy sex.