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Should I Move Back Home?
Should I stay or go back to my hometown?
Some details on me: I am a 24 year-old male recent college grad who just moved away from my hometown: a small town in California to a big city on the East Coast. I got a job here and in the several months I have been here, I've adjusted well and am making good money. I've also made friends and truly admire the city I live in which is something I never felt in California. In fact, I moved away from California is because I simply hated it. Now, I am 100 percent happy with where I live, my job, my financial situation, and life is good.
Here is the problem...
My father back in California has been battling cancer for a while. During the time I was living at home, he was actually doing well and has been stable. However, just when I started to adjust to my new life in this city, my dad started to get worse, and I am not there. He still has on-and-off days, but to put it simply, the possibility of him getting better again or possibly dying is a complete mystery at this point.
My dad lives in his house with roommates. My mom still lives in the same town as him, but they are not married and also don't even like each other. I have an older sister who also moved away to a different state the same time that I did.
Ever since my dad had this dip in his condition, I have been feeling extremely guilty for moving away and I am at a crossroads with no clue what to do. It looks like I have to choose 1 of 2 options.
1: Stay in this city that I love, keep working and making money, keep doing what makes me happy while leaving my sick dad back at home, not knowing how his condition will turn out, while still flying back home to see him every few months and holidays.
or
2: Quit my job and my life that I adjusted to here, and pick up all my stuff and move back home and not make money (Since I hate California so much I've already agreed I wouldn't work there), and see my dad more often. (as well as my mom)
I have no idea what to do. I feel so guilty about moving away while my dad is sick at home. I have mentioned to my dad the idea of moving back home, but he told me that I should stay in my current city and keep doing what makes me happy. He says that he would feel selfish if he made me move back home, knowing that I would be unhappy. But at the same time, it doesn't change the fact that I feel guilty. Should I be feeling like this?
What should I do?
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Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
If Dad were not ill, would you still feel guilty for having moved so far away from Mom or Dad that it would be hard to see them often? They were willing to let you go and move on with your life so don't make Dads battle worse by making him feel guilty that you give up your life to come back.
I understand you want to be able to spend quality time with him in case he doesn't go into remission again or worse. But from what you wrote, you already knew he had a diagnosis of cancer when you made the decision to leave, just that he was doing a bit better...but you still made that decision. Ask yourself why? Is there really alot you can do for him if his health gets worse? Unless you have training in hospice care or have been doing caregiving for the sick and elderly, then you are not equipped to give him what he really might need. So all you could do is sit around and visit and grow bored. Humans have the odd feelings they have when their thoughts are a bit distorted. If you think it through, with the technology of today, theres lots of ways to keep in touch regularly which is what a parent wants from their children. My daughters keep in touch regularly by phone, the one in the area and the one out of state. So I know I am loved and thought of. No, its not quite the same as being there in person, but the only difference I see is that I can't get a hug via phone or internet. With Skype today, He can even see you as you both chat and that is something I would suggest you do very regularly even if he says its not necessary. I talked to my Mom 3 or 4 days before she died of cancer. I lived close but had my own family, 3 little kids and a husband and a job and pretty much handled most everything as the husband didnt do much. So I couldn't visit her daily. Took the kids and our dog to see her on a Sunday, and I think it was Wed. morn my sister called to say Mom had died. I immediately thought of my last conversation with her which had been quality stuff. My younger sister tended to stay by Moms side all the time and Mom was ready to go but didn't want my sister to experience the traumatic event of seeing her alive and breathing one moment and taking her last breath at the next. In fact, Mom encouraged my sis to go to sleep and get some rest at midnight. By time sis got up, Mom was gone. She didn't want her to go thru watching her pass on. So if your Dad doesnt want his children hovering around either, its best to honor his wishes but for your sake, keep in touch regularly. God Bless.
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I would say do as your dad has told you and stay where you are. As cold as this sounds there is really not much you can do for him. This is really a case of what will be will be with you or without you.
Talk with your sister and make plans for both of you to visit as often as you financially can and to space your visits so there is as little time as possible between your visit and hers.
Southwest Airlines frequent flyer program allows for quick building of points toward free tickets. You say you live near a big city on the east coast. Southwest services most of the major airports on the east coast with non-stop and direct service to the West Coast major airports. Flying Tuesday or Wednesday and on the earliest or latest flights will get you the lowest air fares.
You and your sister should also look into Hospice care for your father and in home care until it is time for him to go into Hospice care. You can take a week or two of vacation to set up meals on wheels, visiting nurse services and talk with the counting services for the elderly and see what other services they can provide for your dad. Then when you visit you can make sure he is receiving these services.
Talk with your employer and see if they will allow you the occasional three day weekend to visit your dad. Leave Thursday after work and take the redeye back on Sunday or the latest flight you can that allows you to be in the office on time Monday. Book far enough in advance and you will be surprised at how low a getaway fare can be.
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