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A senior at my school is sexualizing me? I am a freshman.
I have been really hesitant to post this because of fear of being told I am manipulating someone's "kindness" into something sinister or that I am reading too far into this, but ultimately this situation has escalated recently and I am feeling uncomfortable with it all.
To give some background, I just recently turned fifteen years old. I am a female in the 9th grade. I go to a Christian co-op (school alternative for homeschoolers, feel free to Google it) and take classes once a week. Now, I really enjoy it and have made a lot of friends there. The school is held at a church I have attended for over a decade. I used to look forward to school and it's in a safe place I have always associated with happiness and calmness, but not anymore. That's when this guy comes into play.
Let's call him "Max". Max is a senior at my school and is in one of my classes. Max is very popular in school. Max has always made me feel uncomfortable because of the way he looks at me and generally acts towards me in comparison to other people. Obviously looking at me isn't the only thing he does, but he stares at me relentlessly in class, never breaks eye contact, and smirks at me frequently. Until recently that is all he has done. About a month ago, right after my 15th birthday, he acting strangely. Let me elaborate ...
•Max has a very strange way of addressing ages, years and birthdays now. The first time he saw me after my birthday, he asked me, "When did you turn?" I was confused by this question and what it meant as he repeated it over and over until I realized he meant what age I had become. When another student (who is a junior male if it matters) mentioned they had a birthday soon as well, he only said, "How many?" If personally asked how old he is, he does not say an exact age but only says he "turned three months ago". After he turned fifteen he asked how long after I "turned" did I get my permit, and if I had fun "turning". I have never outright confronted him about it and have no idea what the purpose of this is. He apparently does not value time or acknowledging different ages or maturities.
•If I say bye or hello to someone else anywhere near him, I must also say it to him or he gets visually and verbally angry. Sometimes I have to say goodbye or hello to him ten times or he will act like I've done something horrible to him in front of all my friends.
•He offers me rides home and no matter how many times I reject him, he does not stop. He knows that I walk home despite the fact that I have never told him this. He leaves school one class period before I do, so he should not in any circumstance know how I get home.
•I have a twin sister who attends all my classes with me and Max does not acknowledge her presence or speak to her. We are identical if it matters.
•He got my phone number through a group project and now frequently texts me at all hours of the day or night. He tells me I am "beautiful" and the way I wear my hair down is "pretty", and that he hates girls who wear their hair up. He texts me late at night, anywhere from 11pm to 1am asking if I am awake. He also randomly texts me "Mmmmmmm" for no reason.
•He follows me to my lunch table, free periods and gets directly behind me when I am in line for lunch. Then he makes conversation with me, which always starts about something innocent such as cars and escalates. For example, he was telling me about his car and proceeded to say "The backseat is always clean". This is one of many sexually suggestive phrases he says.
•He sexualizes everything I do. When I get my lunch or bend down to grab something or touch my hair or smile, it's ALL apparently some sort of sexual action according to him.
That is just a generalized summary of his behavior before this past weekend.
Now, this past Halloween weekend, a huge Halloween party was held at a senior student's house and one of my friends was invited. She brought my twin sister and I along as guests. My friend arrived at the party half an hour earlier then me and called me to say Max was asking everyone where I was and Max also said he was going to be waiting outside at the door until I got there. When I arrived he was not there and was not seen until around an hour after, when he walked up behind me and told me I had "missed his amazing Halloween costume". He was dressed in normal clothes and showed me a picture of his costume on his phone. Then, in front of my friends, he called me "special" and proceed to
grab my hand and force me to touch him.
His shirt had graphics on the lower half of it and he was forcing me to trace them and trying to flatten my palm against his abdomen. I tugged my hands and became visually upset until a college student at the party walked over and told him to stop, at which point M invited me to his car. I was very angry at this point and the college student said that it wasn't happening. Max then said "he loved me" and left.
Now at this point he continues to text me. I am afraid to see him again. He is very popular in this school and has gone there for many years, and many of the teachers are like his family. This is my first year at the school and I barely know anyone. I am not sure who to tell in the school system. I want to continue going there but am afraid I will simply be told I am being ridiculous and exaggerating if I tell any teacher. The last thing I want to do is stop going to the school because of this. What should I do?
tl;dr A senior at my school texts me strange things late at night, forces me to touch him and says he loves me? What should I do?
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Maybe give some free advice about: Abusive Relationships?
Max is harassing you and being abusive.
What you describe at the halloween party is assault.
The first few things you mention are awkward, but might simply be that Max IS awkward. That doesn't matter. He's also crossed the line entirely.
The anger, the constant texting, the unwelcome sexual attention and the physical force are all abusive. Much of what he is doing is criminal-level harassment.
Maybe he doesn't know he's abusing you. In which case he needs an adult to step in and let him know that he must stop it immediately.
I wish I could promise you that when you speak to someone at school you'll be taken seriously. As seriously as you should be because this young man is harassing you and making you feel unsafe at school. But I can't promise you that. Even though there is a risk - and probably a smaller one than you think - that you might not be believed, you should speak up. Start with a family member or teacher or coach you can trust and describe the halloween party first. That is the most serious and aggressive actions so far.
Whoever you tell, let them know clearly that you don't feel safe. Max has grabbed you, has reacted angrily when you don't pay enough attention to him, and wont stop texting you. It is entirely valid that you are feeling scarred of this person. What he is doing is scary and you deserve to be protected.
Don't respond to the texts, but hold on to them.
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The fax that Max is popular is why he has been getting away with what he is doing. I'm sure your not the first girl and you won't be the last girl he does this with. You or the next girl could also be the one he physically hurts if you do not put a stop to it.
The fact that you do not appreciate his advances makes them sexual harassment and it is illegal. Do not let his popularity stop you from doing what is needed to keep you safe. There are several things you can do to stop this. The one I would like you to do is the first one.
1. Tell your parents what is happening. Tell them everything just as you have written us and anything you may have left out. You have done nothing wrong here please remember that. You are being victimized and he and others like him pray on the fact that you feel you may have one something wrong or could get in trouble if you report him. You cannot get in trouble for being the victim.
Your parents then have choices they can make. They can address the issues with the school or they can help you make a police report.
2. You can and should discuss this with a trusted teacher and or the school principal. You have classes at a church. You could go to the pastor or priest and talk to him or her about what is happening.
3. You are old enough that you can go to the police on you own and make a report. While he is harassing you at school you can from your cell phone call 911 and ask for a police response to come and protect you. An officer will respond and an investigation will begin. Most likely Max will be suspended pending the outcome of the investigation.
Remember you are a victim her. I urge you to talk with your parents tonight so that you can go to school next week without fear.
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If one of my daughters had had the same issues, I would have wanted her to come to me with it so I has her parent could handle it from there. If I were your mom, frankly I'd be outraged at this boys behavior.
I understand that many people like him and he may have behaved nicely in past years and that this is a Christian school, but there's a saying that "just because you find a mouse in the cookie jar, that doesn't make him a cookie. Same with this boy. He may have Christian parents putting him there, but his behavior is entirely his own choices, no matter his upbringing.
You need to tell your parents or legal guardians. I worked in a small company office where all the girls had everything they said turned around and turned into something sexual by one guy working there and he'd proceed to tease us about being sexually perverted. So I know what you are talking about. To call you when you didn't give out your number and ask him to call is a nuisance. I hope you've told him to never call again. But for him to call so late at night, I can just imagine what he is doing. I've had crank calls that start innocently about an ad we posted but the guy turns convo to sexual stuff, likely wanting to hear a females voice while jerking off. For some, thats all they need. He's invited you into his car and forced you, grabbing your hand at this party to make you touch him. This is all sexual harassment. Hon, boys can at this age be very horny, but that is no reason for being out of control as he is and having no respect for you. I am concerned that he may be a bit unbalanced in the brain too. I think the reason he is continueing to harass you and not your twin is that there is something about your personality that makes him think you are too quiet and shy and don't like to rock the boat and cause trouble or that you may not be quite as self confident as your sis and more likely to cave eventually under the pressure he is putting on you so that he can talk you into having sex with him. So you need to start screaming and shouting and make a big scene if he tries to grab you in any way again.
In this rough world we live in, there are pychopaths, rapists and stalkers who all tend to single out what they believe are weak, and least likely women to fight back verbally, by reporting them, and that allows them to continue this kind of behavior unchecked. If you don't, even if he does give up, he'll go on to harass and possibly force a girl and get her pregnant in the future. He needs professional help and you need to say something tomorrow. Don't try to convince the teachers. Its for your parents to do. However if they wont believe you or dont want to rock the boat and talk to the principal, then you need to talk to the principal and let him/her know about this sexual harassment. It is also a police matter being sexual harassment. You see, there needs to be a paper trail on him. It may not be something to land him in jail, but he will be warned. Then if he repeats any offenses regarding you in the future, you complain to police again and in their records is notation of your previous contact regarding his offenses and now he doesnt get away with anything as easily and those in charge at the school will be watching him carefully. Until this is resolved, make sure to allow have your cell on you or borrow a friends in case you are not at school or home and this fellow shows up. If your parents already have been made aware of what this guy has been doing, they can show up where you are at, and Dad can warn the kid to stay away from you. As for your cell phone, they need to know he's calling to buy you late at night. I think the perfect thing for the next week is for your Dad to have your phone near him or also at his bedside so that the moment this boy calls, he can pick up and yell, Leave my daughter alone or I'll be calling the police. That is what you need dear and it won't happen unless you involve the parents. This isn't your fault and it won't make you look bad, but this is scary behavior from such a young man who if not stopped now may continue on to harass others or worse.
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