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Losing my feelings for my boyfriend and Depression
Now I'd like to start off that I have depression, for a few years now, I am 17/female. I don't know how this plays into this well enough or has little.
Anyways, for thepast month my depression has gotten hard on me, all the whileI've slowly detached myself from my boyfriend, and with trying to converse with him during those weeks has made him irritated from my lethargy and dealing with me, and soon I called myself off from him and became distant to him. My feelings just started to fade, feelings for him and also I couldn't very well identify my own emotions. It's gotten worse between us and before any of this problem I had made a new (male) friend. I had no intentions to have feelings for him but now they're starting to form little by little. It's all a bit too confusing. Now getting out of the hard hit of depression I had gotten now I'm trying to work it out, but I feel like I'm rejecting a bunch of things out of fear of what'll happen. My boyfriend is sweet, caring, and I'm completely comfortable with but then, sometimes he is just so messy and disrespectful to his parents, embarrassing and boring at times. And then with this other guy, through out my worst days, has managed to make me laugh, talking almost non-stop. While my boyfriend has made me feel pushed away, like what went on inside didn't matter, now all I can explain is "I don't know what's going on inside, I'm sorry" and its tearing me apart if its just depression dampening my emotions or if its legitimate, any of them. Thank you if you read all of this.
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Hi! It is tough to be juggling depression and a boyfriend at the same time. My suggestion to you is to take a break from dating, and concentrate on you. Spend more time with yourself first. If you spend too much time with him right now, he'll think that you're putting him before yourself. Talk about this with someone you're close to, it always helps for me.
Hope this helps
-Swimmer133
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That is a tough one, and I'm very sorry you have to go through that. Well first off, you need major communication with your boyfriend. You need to let him know that this is what you're going through and that you do not know how to explain what's going on with you and sometimes you really need your space. And that you really need him there to support you through the tough times because none of this is going to be easy and you both need to work with one another to understand and fulfill one another's needs. You tell him what you need from him, and then you listen to what he needs from you and talk it out so that you both ca give the reassurance, attention, understanding, etc that each of you needs. If he does not want to work things out, or if you dont want to work things out, then maybe you should just end it. You are going through something very difficult and you need to help take care of yourself and you need someone who will support you and love you through all your difficulties and bad moments. If you feel this new guy can give you the support you need while youre going through all this and you are starting to get feelings for him, then you either need to break up with your boyfriend or stop talking to this new guy. Either you and your boyfriend step up and try to work something out or you make the decision to leave and move on if you are having feelings for someone else. It would not be right to date someone youre not even sure you want to be with and then like someone else on top of that. And if you decide to leave your boyfriend and want to be with this new guy, take it slow. Get to know him really well, tell him what youre going through. Make sure he can understand and support you and that you can do the same for him. Depression is difficult and someone youre in a relationship might be willing to take a lot for you, but you have to also make the effort to fulfill their needs and help explain what youre going through and why you act the way you do sometimes. If they do not know they could just think youre being cold and mean and that you dont care about them. But you have to help reassure them that its not that, its your depression and youre going through a really difficult time. And above all, before getting into any serious relationship, make sure its something you want. And make sure that youre taking care of yourself first because you need all the love, support and help you can get from yourself and do not allow yourself to go into or stay in any relationships that do not help you and your wellbeing. Do not be with someone who cannot understand you or is not willing to try to and with someone who will only make you feel even shittier. I hope this helped! If you need anymore help or for me to maybe make what im saying more clear cause I probably just went all over the place then im just a message away! Good luck!
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Hi there! Your post shows a good deal of understanding and self-analysis already, so you've already done much of the 'leg-work' as you might say! To summarise, no, we simply do not function correctly with depression. Situations we could normally cope with become something like mountains to climb. Emotions we could normally process leave us vexed and confused. Like a rabbit in the road caught in your car headlights, eh? And with 'new stuff' looking such a challenge, we tend to cling to 'old familiar stuff' mainly, as you say, out of fear and lack of confidence. A great deal of help with depression comes via counselling, and counselling is all about communication. That can be either formal ( professional), or informal (a close friend or relative). Whatever helps best is 'right'. This new guy sounds pretty much the ideal person to have around you right now. Just what anyone in depression could really do with. He's making you look outside yourself. Listenning to you. Talking things through. Maybe providing moments when you feel 'normal' again? He's a bit like a 'super-counsellor' because he's doing it all of his own free will. Because he cares. You're not one of his 'cases'. I can see why you are bonding with him so closely. OK, there are some cracks appearing in your current relationship (with your boyfriend)? He has some good points, some not so good. Just ike all of us! Your chief concern seems to be that he is pushing you away, because of the depression, maybe? He isn't really helping you cope at this difficult time, he's just kind of pretending and hoping that it will all go away? I guess some people are better at handling situations like this than others. You seem to be handling things pretty well, however you feel at times. But you need support. The new guy is facing up to it and looking for answers, or at least helping you understand the questions. Your boyfriend is trying to ignore it. Not giving you much support at all? Is he trying? Can you get him to just listen to all you're feeling? Maybe he wants to help but doesn't know how? If HE can't handle it he is unlikely to help YOU handle it. I should say that right now there's only one thing in the world that is bigger than your depression. And that thing is time. It's impossible for me to tell you which guy is the best choice. I think you have to take a good look at it. I know that's difficult with the way you are feeling. Evaluative decisions and judgement become impaied and difficult with depression. But you seem perfectly lucid and rational in what you have written, so you ARE up to the challenge. Maybe think about which guy do you see yourself with in, say, three years? Even without the extra challenge of depression, are you the sort who will always like a communicative partner? Are the negative aspects of your boyfriend's personality and behaviour which you have mentioned always likely to conflict with your own values, and thus always be a point of issue in the relationship? Do you feel your boyfriend is the sort of person who is likely to blank-out and not confront issues he chooses to ignore, rather than work at resolving them? Importantly, do you feel the new guy is looking at you as a potential partner? You seem to be really engaging with him, so you should be able to find out for sure, quite easily. Also, would your discontent with your boyfriend be as significant if the new guy wasn't in the picture? I can see that 'the future' is going to be a scary concept with the way you are feeling now. But you will not always feel the way you do now. This is so difficult for me to help with, as what you desire is a definitive answer, and it's the thing nobody can give you. Right now, I'd say don't set-up yourself a fence to jump that isn't there yet. Don't pile up the pressure by feeling you need to force an instant outcome. Keep talking to the new guy, he's good for you. EVERYTHING you are feeling is legitimate. The depression is amplifying and intensifying everything, true. Try to imagine a scenario where the depression is no longer influencing your judgement. Because you WILL come through it. Who do you see yourself with? Hope my reply has helped? If there is any point we've raised that you would like to develop or discuss further, feel free to inbox me any time. You're more than welcome.
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Hi Dear,
Let's go through this shall we?
I think the person you need to focus on right now is you.Depression is a very serious issue,and you need to take care of you,yourself as a person,before you care about someone else.In other words,take a time out before deciding everything,and think about yourself first,then focus on Bill & Ted.
Time is a healer,and not having much contact with that other person can make you feel better,even though it can hurt.
Here's a question,do you feel free,since distancing yourself from this person? I you answered yes,then move on from your boyfriend. Especially if your feelings fade,and just dont stick,he isnt worth sticking around.
Disrepecting his parents? You can tell alot from a man on how he treats his parents,thumbs down. boring at times? Thumbs down. There is does not seem to be a very strong connection between you two.
Let me ask you another question,do you still feel depressed being with guy,meaning,do your feelings of depression stay there while you are with him,if they are,thumbs down again. A relationship like that is toxic,and can make you feel worse.
He's made you feel pushed away? this guy doesnt sound like Lancelot! More like Lord Farquad from that Shrek movie. If he has shown any signs of not wanting you,back away,because he can come back,and say he does,and then later on tell you,he doesnt want to be with you anymore.He just sounds not very mature.
Now,let's look at Mr.Hopeful,do you feel better,just plain better when you are with him? Does he uplift you?
You need to surround yourself with positive people,who will uplift you,and make you feel better,and be there for you.Those things,are part of what can make a relationship blossom. Being with someone special,can just lift you up,and make all those bad feelings go away.
Take some time out first,for you,before deciding anything
God bless <3
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Hello and thank you for your question!
Having suffered from a similar problem, I'll try to give the best advice that I can give. It sounds like you aren't really sure what's going on with yourself and you don't really know what you want. I suggest you take a break from dating for a while and work on making yourself happy. This new guy may be making you happy now, but it might get past the "honeymoon phase" and you may be back where you started. Don't rush into anything. No one can control your happiness but you. No one can make you happy if you haven't fixed the problems you have inside. Like I said, I suggest you take a break from dating and work on finding the happiness you have inside yourself and not seek it in others. You can work on it yourself by meditating or go seek help, just make sure your road to being happy is the right path for you. If you don't want to take pills, you can solve depression without them, I did. But it's a lot of work and a lot of time spent focused on you.
I hope this some what helped and please feel free to message me with any further questions!
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Hi :) I'm no doctor or expert on depression and all the effects it can have on the mind and body but no one knows your body better then yourself. If you think that the loss of feelings for your boyfriend is coming from your depression then you should listen to yourself. If you're taking anti-depressants or getting counseling, you should continue to do that and then give it some time and see how you feel about your boyfriend after some time. If it's not your depression and it's an actual loss of interest in your boyfriend then I can see why you may be slightly losing interest. As your boyfriend it's an expectation for him to show some sign of caring about things you have going on in your life. It may not be that you're actually into this new male friend of yours. It may just be that he's giving you the things your boyfriend is neglecting to give you. I think the best thing you can do is give yourself some time to try and figure out what's causing you to feel the way you do. I hope you get to the bottom of the problem and that your depression goes away. Hope that I could help.
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I would say to follow your heart. Be completely honest to both people. Tell them about the depression. If they don't stay with you or don't want to help you through it, then they aren't worth it. Honesty is always the best way to go with this. I would suggest telling parents/psychologists about this if you wanted to. I would say if you feel that the boyfriend is pushing you away and you feel that the new male friend is going to support you and you feel love for him, then I'd say tell him how you feel :) I hope this helps
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Dear, to get out of this confused state of mind you need to move on. You must admire the person who looked after you in times of agony pain and distress. You must have heard "a friend in need is a friend indeed". As far as you were under a state of depression your new friend held your hand supported you and kept you alive to move on in life. I truly admire him and I have special respect for him. If I was at your place I would never loose such a person at any cost. You are lucky. I feel that he will become the key in solving your depression issues. Don't be alarmed cuz every human being undergoes such state at some stage of life, its common. Lots of best wishes to you and your new relationship with your new fiend simply forget the past. Tc. I would be glad to know if this helped you in anyway. Thanks.
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Hi there! I am so sorry that you are going through such a hard and confusing time right now. First thing I want to address is the boyfriend. People come into our lives to teach us lessons for us to learn. And when we are done learning from them, we can feel in our heart that it is time for us to leave. I think that is what is going on with you. I feel that you are ready to move on with your boy friend and your heart is urging you forward. Always honor your feelings. They are never wrong.
As for the guy friend, I'm glad that he is there to make you feel better and make you laugh but make sure he is not a rebound or an excuse to leave your boyfriend, because you will eventually hurt him once you get back on your feet.
Regarding the depression, do you know why you are depressed? Are you seeing a therapist or on medication? Depression comes from the feeling that we are not in control of our lives or our feelings. It is defined by "anger turned inward." We cant control everyone else, but we can control ourselves. Figure out why you are depressed and control what you can. Are you uninspired? Do you need to find a purpose? Find things that you love to do and make you happy. Is it your home life? Do what you can to stay busy and you will be 18 before you know it. Go out with friends and confide in them when you need to let it all out. Find the fun in everything that you. And when that all does not work, look to your higher power. Going back to spirituality is a big factor in people's happiness. Honor your feelings and love yourself. Good luck to you!
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Well first off, you did a good thing in coming here to ask for help. That was a step in a right direction.
secondly, i think you desperately need therapy. The things
that your describing here are really only ones that a professional can help you with. Your kind of in deep if you cant properly identify your emotions, so i would suggest you set up and appointment for that asap.
lastly, with you feeling the way you are right now and being in the state of mind your in, its not really fair to yourself or your potential boyfriend to get into a relationship right now.
You would just be bring the emotional baggage with you and then then in time, putting it on them and thats not fair to either of you. Why do that when you could take some time, work things out, and then be the BEST version of yourself first. Its kind of like under dressing for a wedding your invited to. Would you wear sweat pants or pj's? or wear your BEST party outfit? (whatever that is for you) its the same concept.
Its ok to keep in touch with whoever you want still, but be clear that you are going through some things right now and that getting into a relationship at the moment isnt the best idea. Alot of people live ONLY by their emotions and not enough by logic, and they end up getting so invested emotionally in a relationship that they often find themselves disappointed. Dont let get involved with you if you cant emotionally give back at the same level until you can navigate your way out of the forrest that is your depression first.
and good luck. this will pass ; )
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First off, I am deeply sorry for the issues you are facing right how. And while each person's experience is different and thus I would never suggest that I know how you feel, In some was i can relate.
Pushing people away and isolation is common in depression. As is the lethargy you mention. And I would venture to guess that the very fact that you even ask this question means you have a good enough head on your shoulders to not want to make a hasty and rushed decision on the state of your relationship with either guy.
As hard as it is, I think if you can hang in there for a while until you can get a grip on your depression a bit, then with a sound mind you will be able to look at things more clearly and in a way that will be best.
For now, just work on yourself before dealing with anything else. Worst case scenario, you'll end up havaing made a new friend.
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Sorry to hear about your depression...
Now as far as your boyfriend and this new male friend is concerned , well they are both parts of things that you need.
Since you are going through something it's nice to have someone familiar and someone you are comfortable with however in your case it doesn't seem like you are getting too much support from him. Another thing thats completely normal is for him to get on your nerves. You know him so this is just reality ....it happens .
The new male friend is something new and fresh which is exactly what you need right now to life your spirits !
BUT
you have to get more comfortable and that takes time and you don't know him so maybe things are wonderful now but they may not be next month? who knows.
It's tough to decide on something like this because you never really know until things start to happen.
Try to imagine how you would feel if you and your boyfriend weren't together with out this new guy in the picture . It's tough to do but really dig deep and just imagine not being able to call his number, visit him , fighting or even your good times and see how you feel. If you don't feel any real pain it's possible your feelings have changed.
Whatever you decide it needs to be based on your feelings and your feelings about the relationship you are in. Leave the possibilities of this new friend out.
Why?
because if things don't work out with your new friend you will be back in a depression state and feeling bad about leaving your boyfriend for this guy.
I'm pretty sure there is no doubt at all that you like this new guy (and yes it is possible to have a crush on someone while you are in a relationship) .... However I wouldn't act on it yet until you are sure that your old relationship no longer has a fighting chance.
and by that I mean that you don't feel it's worth fighting for.
It's in your best interest and everyone's best interest in this situation if you close one door before opening a new one.
Regardless of where things end up you need to be ok with it .
good luck on with whatever you decide!
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I understand every bit of what you're going through. My last relationship was with a guy named Tristan and I thought he was my everything. It turns out that things weren't as good as they seemed and there were so many lies coming from his part. I have been depressed for two years but I met someone just like you did that takes away that pain I have. I don't cut anymore because of him. Your boyfriend seems to be the total jack ass and I know you're loosing feelings for him and gaining them in this other guy. What you should do is tell your boyfriend that it's over and just focus on the guy that makes you happy. But, make sure that guy feels the same way before you make any moves on him. I really hope this helped you and thanks for coming to me and taking the time to write that and trust me. Merry Christmas!
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Hey there,
I've never been in your situation but I will say that people change. Constantly. Maybe your boyfriend satisfied all of your needs before, but now you want someone who will care for you in bad times and good times. With time, you get to know a person more and more. Your boyfriend has qualities you dislike, but are they enough to be a deal breaker? Only you can decide that. Try not to compare your boyfriend to this new guy because at the end of the day, it is very likely that this new guy has qualities you dislike as well. You'll find out in due time. Just think about what you consider a deal breaker and what you can tolerate. No one's perfect, and if the person makes you feel good about yourself and manages to make you feel secure/protected, then I think it can work.
Best of luck!
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Well, if you're having trouble with your boyfriend, then it would be best to speak to him about how your feeling, and if there are things that he does that bother you, tell him. Its better to be honest with someone and let them know when your having a problem with something they do, rather than keeping quiet about it and having your resentment build. If your enjoying talking to another guy, then there must be something hes doing to help you that you need, meaning you should talk to your boyfriend about this, so he can help you in the way you need it. If he loves you then he will have no problem listening to what you have to say, and would want to help you in any way he can, but you must make it known that you need his help in a specific way. People don't always just know exactly what you want, and its not fair to just keep quiet about it and go get what you need from someone else instead. I've seen a lot of good relationships come to an end when someone gets emotional and ends up seeking comfort from someone else other than the person they are dating, making them think theres something wrong with their current relationship and just moving to someone else, which is usually not the right thing to be doing. I wrote a lot, i know, but bottom line just speak to your boyfriend, tell him what bothers you, tell him what you need from him, and just go from there. Good luck!
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Its hard or next to impossible to be fully there for someone else if in a serious relationship so I would agree with the other, not to get into a serious relationship just yet. Best to work on yourself for now. You said something about being past the worst point and trying to work things out. With depression, that is really hard to do so I am curious as to how thats working for you. I assume you do not wish to see a Dr. and find out you may require medication. I had a daughter who very well hid the fact she was depressed as a teen and didn't share until after birth of her 1st child when it went so haywire she needed meds but later got off them and has cut herself off from all family. Therefore, I know firsthand that depression isn't a thing to ignore or try to handle oneself. I have since come across info abut treatment for depression that is successful for the majority of depressed people with only a very few still needing meds. Depressionn is common for teen girls when their hormones are out of wack and instead of just merely crying too easily at movies, being a little more sensitive, a gal goes overboard to becoming depressed or suicidal. The hormone imbalance is easily corrected by a Dr. and is only needed until you get into your 20s. if thats the cause or part of it. The rest can be just distorted thinking, something all people do but dont reallize it. When its not often, it doesnt cripple a person but when its daily and all day long, then yes, the result can be depression. I want you to check out a website of this newer more successful way of treating depression called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, non medical, just exercise your Dr. works with you to change how your thought life goes and so if diligent, the results and being cured are much faster. Its worth a look dear and if you like what you read of comments from those helped, tell your parents what you are going through and show them the website and work on finding a psychologist who deals in CBT and tries that first with medication as a last resort.
As for your changing feelings for a guy, hon...you are being a normal girl and its part of a process of observation of guys, experiences with them, how they act, how they treat you and how they treat others, etc... Dating is nothing more than an information gathering stage before commiting to each other to become a couple if all about the other has checked out okay and there is love for each other. The thing is to date until you discover how great a guy is, or until you find things you do not like about him, or things that he does that are not supportive but tear you down or are things that will kill love and hurt or harm you in some way. Its hard to know in the beginning because of new relationship energy when everything feels wonderful and our senses are heightened so a relationship can feel like the real thing. During this time, each person works hard to be on their best behavior, hiding their bad traits from the other until they feel they have you hooked. No one can hid their true self indefinately so eventually it comes out and when it does, dont assume it was a one time thing, cus where one such action came from, there is more buried deep inside waiting to come out later. There were actions by my ex, that I now see were warning signs but I was too young and married him at 20 and from those 2 early on events that I thought were just a fluke, more and more of the same attitude came up and out and he verbally mistreated me for 30 yrs of marriage til I left. I am telling you this so you don't glaze over any of a guys actions as insignificant. Your late teens and through your twenties, you will date many until you find the one who loves you unconditionally and wants to settle down with you. The key is to make sure that you don't settle for less but each one you date is a step or two better than the last one.
What you shared of the differences between the two guys shows me that you are very observant, even in your depressed state. If you can be that sharp while depressed, It makes me have great hopes for you finding a wonderful guy eventually, the one you marry and have kids with. The depression is actually a boon to you right now, helping to show you who really cares about you and doesnt let the depression scare him away. Its like the story of a rich person pretending to be poor to meet their love so they can know the person loves them for who they are, not for their money. But you already know what depression does for you and how its restricts how fully there you can be emotionally for someone, so long term, it will hurt any relationship, but short term, its not an issue. I see no reason why you can't hold onto the new guy for a boyfriend and do what it takes to get over your depression cus it is possible. I got over anxieties by many of the same methods used in CBT so I know it works. Here's the website:
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
I'd like to hear in the future how this all pans out for you dear cus its near and dear to me, having the daughter with depression. Good luck.
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Monogamy is the unnatural doctrine that one must destroy any current relationship, no matter how precious, before embarking on a new relationship, no matter how promising.
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If you feel you have depression there is one thing you do need to do to and that's to see your doctor. Depression can be caused by a variety of things which include a chemical imbalance, only a doctor will be able to sort that out for you and if needed, treat it.
As for your boyfriend, he doesn't sound the most supportive or understanding of guys does he? We all have good and bad times in our lives and we need to know that our partners will be there for both. Do you think he would be able to do that? The other guy might not either, only you can tell, but keep in mind that if your partner bugs you near the beginning of a relationship it's not going to get easier, it's going to get worse.
Showing disrespect to his parents isn't a good sign either. Messy isn't such a problem unless you're a neat freak but the emotional stuff and the attitude is more telling about what you can expect in the future.
You might need some time away from both of them to sort out your feelings and to see if you do have depression or if you're being affected by your current situation. If you choose to do this and one or both make you feel worse about your decision instead of understanding it and giving you the time and space, you have your answer anyway.
Keep in mind that depression is a horrible, horrible thing to have. It takes time, it might need medication, it certainly needs understanding and compassion to work through it. That's going to be hard to do if you're stressed about a difficult relationship at the same time.
Good luck whatever you decide to you but please, see a doctor first if you haven't already?
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It sounds like you aren't really in a good headspace to make big life altering decisions right now. This other guy, he's making you laugh and feel better right now, while you are dating your boyfriend. There is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex (if your boyfriend tries to tell you otherwise then he's a jackass and has made the decision for you). You find yourself developing some feelings for this other guy? Fairly normal, we don't stop being attracted to other people just because we are in a relationship. Your feelings for your boyfriend waning at the same time? Slightly less normal. My advice would be to wait until your depression subsides a bit (either through treatment or through however you usually deal with it). When you are thinking a bit more clearly, you'll be able to analyze your feelings better, both for your boyfriend and for this other guy.
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I'm sorry for what you're going through.
You don't mention seeking help for the way you've been feeling. Depression is tough, bet it's very treatable and I think you will see significant improvement in your life with the help of a therapist, psychiatrist, or counselor. If cost or accessibility is an issue, try contacting a counselor at school or look online for a youth resource in your area. If you are currently getting treatment, be sure to speak to your provider about the changes you are experiencing.
Your emotions are legitimate regardless of their cause. After all, you experience sadness from depression the same way you experience sadness from a negative occurrence in your life. I don't know if your depression is responsible for the changes in your feelings towards your boyfriend, but it sounds like you have found a lot of faults within him that you don't want to/can't accept. And that's okay. If you feel that your relationship is becoming more of a burden in your life than a blessing, it is okay to walk away from it right now.
I'm happy that you found someone who is able to make you feel better when you're down, but perhaps you'd like to clear your head and get some help before you pursue a new relationship. That way, you will know that you made the right decision, rather than doing something rash. And determine whether or not you'd like to end your current relationship before proceeding.
Best of luck!
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I think maybe you should give him a break figure out ur feelings for this other guy, but remember your depression at this point means the most if one guy isn't being very supportive and the other guy is than maybe your boyfriend is causing some of you depression. Do what you think is right.
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You are only 17 it is perfectly acceptable to date more than one boy. You need to focus on yourself right now, make an appointment to see a therapist and address the issue of your depression. Once you are able to get the depression under control you need to decide what your goals for the future are(independent of any boyfriend)and start preparing for the transition into the world of adulthood. It is perfectly fine to be friends with both of these boys and even date them but you really shouldn't try to involve yourself in a serious relationship at this point. Take this time to work on you. Once you are able to be happy with yourself the right man will come along. Best of luck to you!
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