|
I dont want friends.
I am 29 yrs old. I dont have any friends.I have a wonderful boyfriend who is very outgoing and confident.Every now and then he says I need to make some friends. I cant. What do I do, call some girl up and say will you be my friend?? How cheesy. I go out with him where his friends hang out but no one engages conversation with me.They do for a minute then go. I am an attractive person that is not the problem. But how does someone who was abused as a child, not allowed to have friends, phonecalls or sleepovers, and a 10 year marriage where I was not allowed to work or have friends, change and get friendships. It seems so out of reach for me.Help!!!
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Friendship?
Take baby steps, and try not to get overwhelmed with the task of being social. Pick up a copy of "How to win friends and influence people"....I read it in 8th grade when I changed schools and it was a lifesaver. The simplist and painless thing you can start with is just to greet people with a smile, and say hello. See what happens. After you have mastered that, add "how are you?" to your greeting. Practice with store clerks, and people you work with. You will be amazed at the reaction. After that use some basics like asking people about THEMSELVES....people love to talk about themselves....an example; "how was your weekend? How is your family?" Also, read the news so you will have topics to talk about.
Give eye contact when you talk to people and be a good listener. You'll be nervous at first but don't worry.....it will get easier! Good luck!!!
]
Look @ all the responses to your question! This is how you do it. You put yourself out there. Vulnerability gets us every time. The problem I'm getting is that you've been trained, by the controlling people in your life, to react a certain way under certain conditions. You can't feel good about meeting people right now because of those many years of conditioning. You go into auto-pilot and feel like you are doing something wrong which triggers the retreat response. This translates to others as though you're stand offish.
There are some great books that you could get a lot from. One is "Using Your Brain for a Change", by Richard Bandler and the other is "The User's Manual for the Brain", by Bob G. Bodenhamer, D.Min., L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Both these books are filled w/exercises to help you retrain your brain. IT's just a matter of reconditioning yourself, and yes, you can retrain your brain. You can train yourself to stop being what you don't want so that you can start being who you do want. I know this sounds too simple to be true, but it works. I've used it on myself to help develop habits I want opposed to unwanted habits. Your conditioning, in essence, is an automated habit. Your automated reactions are so quick that there is no need to think about it anymore. You're there. Start to notice what your bodily reactions are right before your auto-response is initiated. Notice what thoughts you are having, what is the conversation you are having w/yourself. These are the things you have to change to get the results that you want.
I don't want to give you any of the exercises here because each person is different and there are a lot of questions one would have to ask you to determine the exercise that will work for you. If I give you the wrong exercise then we could do the reverse of what you want to accomplish. The most cost effective book to start off w/would be Richard Chandler's book. You can buy it on Amazon. Another inexpensive book to get that will be of great help is, "The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment". Though it isn't filled w/ exercises to do it is filled w/wisdom and does give you a totally different view of the relationship between YOU and your MIND. Also, it is not trying to convert you to any religious belief. That is not what this book is about. Nor is it about putting down any one's belief structure. It is an eye opener beyond most peoples concept, yet, once you read it you will see it makes so much since.
What ever your decision you do have to power to change it. The answer is w/in you. Good luck to you.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
]
just try and be more social and try to putyourself out there.
please e-mail me if you need anymore help!
]
whenever you are out and about just socialize. see someone at the grocery store engage in a conversation about something. if you have a kid and are takin him/her to a daycare talk to one of the moms.someone will like you and perhaps even ask you out for lunch as a friend.
]
mabie, do you have your highschool yearbook??
my mom looked where everyone signed it and her best freind in high school left her # in the yearbook next to her name, so she went online and theres this website that if you type in someones old phone number it iwll track down the persons new number! so they got back in touch and turns out she only lives 30 min away! or try getting into groups, like....animal activism,intrest group, anything or have your bf introduce one of him femlame freinds so you can have a freind where you can talk about girlie stuff and go shoping.
good luck--ashley
]
Well, not everyone is an outgoing person. It isn't your fault, so don't worry about it, it is only probably because you were bought up differently. If you go to work and there are lots of people who you rougly know, it might be worth while to ask someone if they want to go out for a drink some time. It is probably best if you ask three people because then it isn't too biga group and it isn't a small one. When you go out for a drink you will find there will be a lot of convosations! So get your self into one of those, and there you go!! If you need more help, don't hesitate to ask!! Good Luck!
]
try making friends at work. Or maybe in the park. For workbe like "Hey. How are you I am so starved do you want to grab some luch" or invite a few people "Hey! My boyfriend and I are having a dinner party can you come?". For the park if you see someone sitting on a bench reading a book sit down next to them and say "What are you reading?" if you have read one of their books be like "Oh I love he/she have you read...?"
]
I'm not going to lie and say that I empathize.
I actually make all of my friends from a few friends that I made in middle school. I suggest that whenever you go somewhere with your boyfriend, he introduces you.
And, yes, you could call up some girl and ask them to go shopping or do something else. I'd be flattered if someone I dind't know did that to me. :)
]
Woah damn ur one strong woman. Everything you've been through you should be proud of yourself. You seem like a very nice confident person but you might not trust people that much after what you've been through. When people talk to you, try to continue the conversation with something interesting. You could ask questions about what they do for a living or anything. A party is a good idea to get to know people better and for them to get to know you better. Laugh and smile and enjoy yourself when you talk to people. invite people out to places like out clubbing or whatever you do for fun. You dont have to just call up someone and ask for them to be your friend you could call them just to say hi and talk to them then invite them out for lunch or dinner. Just get to know people better. You could just meet anyone at a random place and you might end up getting along with them really well. im so sorry about what happened in your past but it looks like you have a good future ahead of you. i wish you all the luck =] Love xXxPuNki-PiXiExXx
]
Hey. Well first of all I want to say that that's amazing you have a wonderful new boyfriend after all you've been through. You're probably such a wonderful person who didn't deserve any of that to happen to you. You may be a little insecure which is completely not your fault. Remember when you're talking to people what a great person you are who just wants to make some new friends and are so deserving of them. This may help you to be more outgoing (I know it would help me) and people may start a very good conversation with you. You could become good friends. Who knows? These people may not show it but they may want to be good friends with you and once you get the ball rolling, who knows, you could have a new best friend. I really hope this helped! =)
]
First off, I am very sorry for your abusive past. And I have to agree with some of the others, counseling would be a good thing for you. He/she can help you overcome your problems and past, so you can have the bright future you deserve. I think this is the most important thing to do right now, and to do first. Here are some suggestions on making friends, when you're ready.
If you're currently working somewhere now, you could talk to your co-workers and ask them to dinner. Or to catch a movie, and you can all get to know each other.
You can try getting to know your boyfriend's friends, when you're all together. You can start a conversation over something that is happened recently, or something you may be talking about at that moment, and try to keep the chat going.
Joining events can help you gain friends too. Such as organizations, local events happening in your area, and church is an option if you're religious.
If you're close with your neighbors or even if you don't know them very well, you could invite them over for dinner to get to know them better. Neighbors can be good friends, of course, depending on the kind of people they are. But it still could be a good thing to do.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck, and again, I definitely recommend counseling to help you overcome your past. I believe it can and will work wonders for you. I'm sure everything will work out great for you.
]
I agree with Thew. Friends shouldn't be such a big deal to you right now, and by your subject, they're obviouisly not. I'd get some therapy for your past problems, and worry about friendships later.
Friends aren't really that important anyways. They're nice to have, but they usually fuck you over. I learned that the hard way.
♥T!NA
]
hey!
first of all, i'd like to sat there is absolutley nothing wrong with you, so don't feel like there is. what i would suggest you to do is to have more confidence in yourself! when you're around your boyfriend and his friends, be just like you are with the people you've known for your whole life... don't be afraid to joke around with them or tease them a bit.. and remember, you can be the one to engage conversation with them! also, i would maybe get a part-time job doing something you like, to find people with the same interests as you. you could also join a local gym and start coversations with people by asking them questions about working out or even becoming "work out buddies". a good idea even if you're not very physically active is joining a beginner yoga class, since you'll see the same people at least once a week, and many of them do not bring friends to the classes, so they'll be looking for someone to branch out to. that's all the ideas i have right now, but if i think of anything else i'll be sure to tell you :) hope this helped!
]
Go to the YMCA. They have swimming classes, self-defense classes, etc.
]
I am sorry about your life experiences =[ I hope that all goes well.
I used to be in a similar situation. I lacked friends, and I would even try making conversations with strangers but they would tune out and walk away soon before I was finished.
But doing these really helped me find 'good' friends:
1) Join a club. If you are broke or on a budget, you can always find free organizations to join (animal shelters, homeless shelters -- volunteer work)
2) When you go shopping, or go out to eat, make conversations with people. I know that you said people seem to walk off soon after, but keep trying. There are a lot of people out there who love to listen to other people and dedicate their time talking to you.
3) At your job, (or if you don't one, try applying for one) this is where I made mass friends. I am a cashier at a convenience store and I not only befriended coworkers, but I befriended customers and I see them on a daily basis now. I find this to be one of the most effective ways of getting friends.
4) Be friendly wherever you go. Don't just speak when spoken to, speak when you want to. You see someone sitting down alone, go up and talk to them. I know this is awkward doing because not everyone does this. But I have done it, and I have befriended some very interesting people.
5) Be outgoing and energetic. People love enthusiastic people. When you are with your boyfriend, and he is with his friends, be zestful and happy. Make jokes with him, smile at them, and mess with them. I tend to do this around new people, when my friends greet me to their friends. I laugh and joke around, and they seem to enjoy my company because I am "fun to be around with". People will see that side of you when you make jokes, and keep joining in conversations. It is hard at first because you get a lot of those "awkward silences" around the table or wherever. So keep smiling, and laughing. Look happy, so people will notice that you are a positive person.
Also, since you had a rough childhood, you may need to get over the past and be happy again. I had rough times too but I learned that thinking about the past all the time just isolates me from the world and I do not when to get older and find myself miles away from the people who are closest to me. So maybe seek a therapist of Psychologist. They're awesome people. And I mean this as a good thing, too, because they can get you on the right track and get you happy again.
Keep your head up, and be grateful that you are alive, that you have a boyfriend, and you still have opportunities to make friends along the way.
It's hard to keep up with it, but don't give up. Make people see how wonderful you can be!
Good luck with everything! =]
]
join the YMCA, get a job, go to church. i mean you can meet people in all these sorts of places, meet em, start talking, get to know em, there you go, get some numbers, have some friends just like that. it's hard to establish yourself in a community place like a church or the Y but show up regularly, talk to people, join a team or class, and bam the work is done.
]
maybe you should join a club. pick an activity you like. or you can join a health club. also, you can get a job.
]
I like the "join a club' idea, alot of coffee shops and local booksellers (barnes & noble for example) have nightly/weekly/monthly get togethers from everything from chess clubs to book reading clubs to classes on everything from martial arts to knitting and they usually have a newsletter saying who meets when and where.
Part of this may be related to child hood issues you've stated. I would recommend a least a consultation with a counselor or psychologist just to see if a little therapy might help.
]
Everyone already made some very good suggestions. I just wanted to add a little bit to the "common interest" theme. Apart from trying to find common interests with the people you meet, you could also try to seek out groups that are interested in what you like.
For example, do you like any sports? or do you like reading or painting? There is bound to be something that you enjoy. Find out what that is, and join a club. You will automatically be put into contact with people you have something in common with. It will make "first contact" a little easier, particularly since you are supposed to socialise in a club.
Good luck.
]
hopefully you told him what your telling us maybe you should to really communicate with some people and other people who have the same problem maybe like a supporrt group hey dont bang it until you try it you might find that it actually helps u know and explian to him that your happy and it takes sometime for you to feel comfortable around other people goodluck hope i helped
]
just find the right friends
]
I agree with Sabine, you need to overcome your abusive past so it stops interfering with your happy future.
A good way to make friends? Join in on group volunteer activities in your area. That is a good way to meet new people- good people- and feel good about yourself for doing something worth while for your community.
Examples would be getting involved with youth groups, reading to the elderly in nursing homes, helping in shelters for the needy, etc.
Something on the same order you could be extremely helpful with is volunteering with organizations who reach out to abused and battered women and children. You can make others feel better by letting them know that they aren't alone and they CAN get out of it. You can make yourself feel better knowing you helped some one who is walking in your old shoes.
There is no law that says you have to make friends within your boyfriend's social group. But you can feel good knowing you have friends who appreciate you and the things you do. Those, my dear, are real friends.
]
You need counseling to help reconcile your years of abuse, first. The counselor can help figure out what's wrong with your social approach that you don't make friends easily.
What you can do on your own is to find a group with interests similar to your own and become friendly with others. One of the biggest things you do to make friends is ask people about themselves. Find things in common. If, for example, a girlfriend of one of your boyfriend's friends says she likes cooking, ask her if she knows of any gourmet shops that sell calamata olives, for example. Ask her if she'd like to meet out sometime to do whatever your common interest is. See? Having friends is about learning about other people, finding common ground, and then sharing pleasant experiences together.
Good luck.
Sabine
]
aww. im sorry to hear this. have a party at your house! invite the neighbors, and your boyfriends' friends. play some fun games-suitable for adults. play pictionary! that is always fun! just be yourself, and others will want to be with you.
good luck<3333
]
More Questions: |