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I'm a raw and living foodest. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what that is I only eat foods that have not been cooked. I do this because it maintains all of the nutrients and enzymes intact and is much healthier. I'm not here to try to convert anyone. I think you can reach maximum health by eating all kinds of foods fixed all kinds of ways. This is simply my life choice. What I'm here to do is help educate people as to what is happening to thier food. Did you know that the pharmaceutical companies have lobbied to have a law voted on called "Codex Aimentarius" that will take away our freedom to take suppliments? It has already been implemented in Europe. Of course it is still ok for them to put steroids, antiboitics and harmones in our foods. Have you wondered why there is a great influx of people acting aggressively and out of character? I'm here to help guide you through this mess. If you want to eat meat...eat meat...just get chemically free meat. I'm here to help you understand what is happening to you.
advice
im 13/f
i keep getting signs of deppression i used to be a cheerleader until i quit and iv just seemed to give up on everything im smokeing weed now i enjoy just getting drunk and stoned and iv lost all interest in boys and girls (im bi) and even sex at times i dont know what to do iv even cut my leg a couple times please help
*sleepiesheep*
The fact that you are smoking weed and drinking alcohol tells me that you are self medicating. You are making an attempt @ disassociating yourself from your pain. Most women go through this @ your age. It comes before and at the onset of your menstrual cycle. You've got all kinds of burgeoning chemicals surging through your body and you've not been given instructions on what to do when you get to this stage in life. Most women experience this because that is simply how it has been handled throughout the ages. In ancient times women were allocated to a place called "the Red Tent", when they were going through their cycle. There's a great book entitled, The Red Tent, that explains all of this.
I'm going to give you some suggestions that you will start to feel immensely better if you do them. Start yourself off slowly and make those changes gradually so that you won't feel deprived. The first things you have to give up is drinking and smoking. I think that is pretty evident. But if you can only pick one right now then I would suggest it be the drinking.
Also, one of the biggest culprits to depression is white sugar. It depletes your body of vitamin C among other water soluble vitamins and is more addicting than heroine. Try going into a grocery store and finding something w/o added processed sugar to it. This includes corn syrup and anything that ends w/tose. Artificial sweeteners, such as Splenda and Nutrasweet are not a viable substitute. As a matter of fact if you are ingesting a lot of products that have these chemicals in them it could explain your depression. I've included some sites for you to go to. You can read here about the health effects of these products.
http://www.geocities.com/northstarzone/SUGAR.html
http://www.three-peaks.net/annette/Processed-Sugar.htm
http://www.mercola.com/2000/dec/3/sucralose_dangers.htm
http://www.holisticmed.com/splenda/
http://www.shirleys-wellness-cafe.com/nutraswt.htm
http://www.holisticmed.com/aspartame/
Well, now that I told you what you should stay away from I can now give you some great sweeteners. There are two sweeteners that I keep in my house and they are Agave and Sucanat sugar. Agave is the juice of a cactus which is 30 Xs sweeter than sugar and has a caramel type flavor. I buy the raw so that it still has the vitamins and enzymes. Sucanat sugar is actually dehydrated cane sugar and is rich in many vitamins, enzymes and minerals. It tastes excellent as well. In the summer I go the farmers market and purchase cane juice. I add it to smoothies and different recipes. Excellent in taste and good for you! You will feel much better if you can stay away, as much as possible, from any kind of processed sugar.
Something else that will help you lift your mood is to take a vigorous 20-40 minute walk everyday. This will help to raise your serotonin level (which is a mood enhancer) in a more natural way. You will also cause your lymphatic system to work more properly. Your lymphatic system doesn't have it's own pumping system like your heart and needs activity to move it about. This will help in quickening your metabolism and could even cause you to loose some weight. It doesn't take long and the benefits far out weigh the effort put into it.
When you first start some of these methods you could experience some moodiness @ first because your body will be detoxing. But if you stick w/it you will come out @ the end of the tunnel.
If you feel you also need some mental work to help you develop a more healthy thought process then I have a couple of books that you should read, "Using Your Brain for a Change", by Richard Bandler, and "The Power of Now, A Guide To Spiritual Enlightenment" by Eckhart Tolle. The first book gives you actual mental exercises to help you develop the thought processes you wish to develop. I don't want to give you any of the exercises here because I might not translate it well and if it isn't done properly you can make things worse. When you read this book you will find that it will help you understand how to be in control of your brain. You can find this book on Amazon and it's not expensive. The other book, Power of NOW, is not about religion, really. IT's about you developing the person you are meant to be. It also goes into description about the difficulties you are experiencing right now and explains what is happening on the mental front. This book is not that expensive either and you can purchase it on Amazon as well as bookstores. One mental exercise I can give you now to work on is to find yourself a quiet corner and sit. Notice how you are feeling at that moment. Then try to identify w/that which is within yourself that is in observation. Observe the feeling that you are experiencing. Let the feeling be but maintain observation. The goal here is to learn to observe feelings when they come up rather than taking them on. It doesn't really matter what is causing the feelings. Feelings are actually a manifestation of the mind and the mind is actually an illusion. It can only think in the past and the future. IT can not exist in the present. Your mind creates a body of hurt, which feelings belong to, and keeps you held in the mind created illusion. If you can learn to observe them as they pass by you will be in control of your feelings rather than your feelings be in control of you. Below are two sites that explain what the power of now is about.
http://www.eckharttolle.com/home.php?section=about&show=ABOUT%20-%20Power%20of%20now
http://www.thinkingpeace.com/Lib/lib078.html
Lots of stuff to look at, but you can do it. Once you accomplish some of these things, if you want more guidance you are welcome to contact me. You want to make changes slowly rather than radically because you will be more likely to stick to the changes rather than fall back into the mind created illusion. Then, again, these changes I mentioned might be all you need. Everyone has their own path.
I wish you the best of luck!
Namaste!!
LULABELLE
I am 29 yrs old. I dont have any friends.I have a wonderful boyfriend who is very outgoing and confident.Every now and then he says I need to make some friends. I cant. What do I do, call some girl up and say will you be my friend?? How cheesy. I go out with him where his friends hang out but no one engages conversation with me.They do for a minute then go. I am an attractive person that is not the problem. But how does someone who was abused as a child, not allowed to have friends, phonecalls or sleepovers, and a 10 year marriage where I was not allowed to work or have friends, change and get friendships. It seems so out of reach for me.Help!!!
Look @ all the responses to your question! This is how you do it. You put yourself out there. Vulnerability gets us every time. The problem I'm getting is that you've been trained, by the controlling people in your life, to react a certain way under certain conditions. You can't feel good about meeting people right now because of those many years of conditioning. You go into auto-pilot and feel like you are doing something wrong which triggers the retreat response. This translates to others as though you're stand offish.
There are some great books that you could get a lot from. One is "Using Your Brain for a Change", by Richard Bandler and the other is "The User's Manual for the Brain", by Bob G. Bodenhamer, D.Min., L. Michael Hall, Ph.D. Both these books are filled w/exercises to help you retrain your brain. IT's just a matter of reconditioning yourself, and yes, you can retrain your brain. You can train yourself to stop being what you don't want so that you can start being who you do want. I know this sounds too simple to be true, but it works. I've used it on myself to help develop habits I want opposed to unwanted habits. Your conditioning, in essence, is an automated habit. Your automated reactions are so quick that there is no need to think about it anymore. You're there. Start to notice what your bodily reactions are right before your auto-response is initiated. Notice what thoughts you are having, what is the conversation you are having w/yourself. These are the things you have to change to get the results that you want.
I don't want to give you any of the exercises here because each person is different and there are a lot of questions one would have to ask you to determine the exercise that will work for you. If I give you the wrong exercise then we could do the reverse of what you want to accomplish. The most cost effective book to start off w/would be Richard Chandler's book. You can buy it on Amazon. Another inexpensive book to get that will be of great help is, "The Power of Now, A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment". Though it isn't filled w/ exercises to do it is filled w/wisdom and does give you a totally different view of the relationship between YOU and your MIND. Also, it is not trying to convert you to any religious belief. That is not what this book is about. Nor is it about putting down any one's belief structure. It is an eye opener beyond most peoples concept, yet, once you read it you will see it makes so much since.
What ever your decision you do have to power to change it. The answer is w/in you. Good luck to you.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
13/f
HELP !!! im realy upset nad crying about htis right now. i have one b rother and 2 parents. now, my dad use tobe in the army andi guess u could say " rough and tough" he treats me llike a little princess..but wiht my brother(15) its definitly different. to start off; they havent gotten along well since my bro was 10.. and my brother tells my dad to shutup and my did gets angry and is like " im not going to take this bull**** from you anymore, who even says im suppose to love you?" and my brother doenst ac tliek he cares but hten he goes to his rom and cries nad no one knows this escept for me and my mom. and i aske dmy dad " dad, do u even like paul*" nad hes like " why should i, he doesnt like me so i dont lke him?" WHAT DO I DO ???? i can not stand seeing my family fight i cry at night. and if i could i would trade my life with my brothers just so he would be happy.. andi m also afriad he's going to try and commit suicide. i dont know what to do.
PS..my Dads Dad use to be an alcoholic* and abuse my father...
Your father is probably repeating the abuse that he went through w/his father and passing it on to his son. This is not unusual. Your dad is doing what he knows and even if he isn't an alcoholic he was taught how to interact w/his son from his father. Alcoholics, like your grandfather, disassociate themselves from everyone including their family. The problem here is how to stop this behavior before it is passed on to your brother. I am very surprised that your mother has not intervened here. Is your father abusive w/her too? If she's afraid of him then there very well could be some kind of dynamic going on there that prohibits her from expressing her opinion to your father when needed. So, if you can't get your mother involved for whatever reason, you need to find another relative to talk to. Someone like an uncle, aunt, grandparent, preacher, or his best friend. Someone you know has your father's respect. You might go to this individual and tell them what you've told us today. If you can't find someone w/in your core family group then you may want to consider going to a councilor @ school. They would have resources for you to access. With the help of your councilor you could find the best route for your family.
You also may want to consider Syd's option which was an excellent one, and since your father treats you like a princess, I doubt he will do anything to you. You can use that advantage to get your father to listen to you. If he can see what his behavior is doing to his little princess it may wake him up to what he's doing to his whole family.
I wish you and your family all the luck in the world!!
Namaste!!
Pamela
oh my god og my god oh my god please anyone help i cant even type my best girl friend just committed suicide last night, i'm freaking out. i just heard this morning, she lives two streets away from me, i'm 16/m. she's 15/f. wow i really dont know what to say shes my only friend that ever listened to me and actually cared and i feel like im one of the main reasons she killed herself. she had tons of problems, and lots were with ppl i talked to and stuff. i duno what to do, oh my freaking god. i cant believe this. please help i seriously think i was the main casue of her wanting to die
There is no way that you are the cause of your friend's death. She made the decision to do this not you. I do feel for you and what you are going through. My Step Father committed suicide. I had detected that something was going on before he did it and even asked him if anything was wrong. He said no everything was great. On the day that he did it my mother called me on the phone and told me how he was behaving and I immediately told her that she needed to go to the office. She didn't go and I didn't go either. He killed himself @ his office. For years I felt guilty that "I" didn't go there to check on him myself. I felt if I had gone myself I might have stopped him. I know now that this was not my fault. He made this decision all on his own. If I'd gone to the office he'd have just not done it while I was there, but probably later.
People who commit suicide are suffering deep depression. They aren't thinking rationally and just aren't seeing things straight. Something that you or I wouldn't think is any big deal or problem can be made into the catalyst. You just can't say. When they are in this state of mind there is nothing you can do unless you catch them in the act somehow.
Imagine how guilty her family must feel. She lived w/them and they didn't detect anything. No telling what they think they did that caused their daughter to do this. What you may want to do is go visit with them. They really need support and love right now during all of this. You and your mother might want to make a casserole or something to take over there for them. This would be of a great help to them right now and give you a chance to visit w/them.
You may find some consolation if you were to speak w/someone who is a mental health professional. They can guide you through the grieving process. There are actual levels of grieving that you will go through to process this and having someone who is trained in this will help. I use to be a bereavement councilor @ a church. You can check w/local churches to see if there is a bereavement group going locally, or ask your councilor at school. They are usually privy to this type of information and can help you find the guidance that you need right now.
I do wish you did not have to experience this. If I could I'd take it from you. You are too young to have to deal w/this. Good luck in all of this and if you have any further questions feel free to contact me.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
What does it mean to "cut rug" with somebody?
"would you cut some rug with me"?
This was a slang term used mostly in the 1920s and up until about the 50s or so that means "let's dance". My grandfather use to use this term all the time when I was a little girl. He loved to dance.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
i'm 14/f
LAtely i've been thinking about my life and things i think i want to become or do for myself. The thing is i've been getting really scared because the person i wanna be is the exact kind of person my friends don't like. I want to move on in my life, but i don't wanna loose somthing really special. I love my friends but the more i spen time with them the more i realize we have pretty much nothing in commen and it seems i don't fit in, and somtimes it really seems like they see it. So what do I do ? Do i stay with them pretending to be somthin im don't want to anymore or do i change and risk loosing my friends?
The one thing you don't want to do is be something or someone that you're not. You will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery if you make that choice. I've known people who have made that very choice and as they got older they couldn't ascertain simple things like what they like or don't like. Then the simplest things make them angry. They can't seem to find happiness in anything and want to make those around them as miserable as them. You don't want to end up in a life like that.
It is always best to be who it is that makes you resonate in the world. When you choose to follow your true instincts then you will accomplish far beyond what you ever thought possible. If you should choose to be who you're not, you will flounder and find your achievements are less than what your true potential is.
You may be selling your friends short here. Talk to them and let them know how you feel and what it is that you wish to accomplish. Coming from you, their friend, you may change their opinions about this matter. I know I have changed my opinion about a lot of things simply because someone who was close to me decided to be or do something I never thought was appropriate, right, or cool. Don't let other's opinions rule who you are.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I used to excercise 1 hour before I eat but actually I don't think my stomache digested the food in an hour because I get a stomache ache so I started excercising right before I eat my meals and my Dad told me to stop because it's unhealthy. I need a professional to answer this one. If it's not healthy to excercise right before eating lunch, then when is it a good time to excercise?
You actually have more beneficial results from exercising in the morning and before eating. When you do this it helps to stimulate your metabolism and burns energy more efficiently throughout the day. There is even evidence that people get a better nights sleep if they work out in the morning. I've included a couple of websites that have information you may enjoy reading.
Working out after you eat is a bit difficult at times because you have to wait @ least an hour before you can get a good workout in. If you don't wait at least an hour your workout could be sluggish and/or you could make yourself ill. I'm sure there are people who it doesn't affect, as in all things, but most people don't fare well doing it that way.
Each person is different and you have to figure out what works best for you. What may work for your father may not work for you. You need to listen to your body and do things that works best and helps you achieve your desired results.
http://www.freeweightloss.com/article13.html
http://www.webmd.com/content/article/116/112303.htm
Good luck in your workout program!!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
i m 16/f. i have mood swings all the time (not because of my periods either). i think that i am bi-polar no joke. i always cry over nothing and someday i dont. and i also get realy angry and violent over little things. i dont know what is wrong with me! does anyone know any signs of bi-polar or anything? please help
From the sound of things there is something going on, as to precisely what that could be only a highly trained mental health professional could assess. The first step to discovering how to help yourself is to maybe approach someone like your school councilor. This person is usually trained to help you receive the most beneficial help. They will also be aware of the most cost effective programs and maybe even free ones; this, of course, depends on your community since each community is different. Also, if your parents have health insurance most policies include mental health programs. You could go to your parents and tell them that you're feeling a bit off, explain some of the symptoms you've described here, and you could get into seeing someone way too.
Something you may want to bare in mind through out all of this is that you're a teenager and right now there are a lot of chemical changes going on. Things are shifting gears and revving up into a new level of awareness. Your hormones are plunging full force into your awareness and believe me they aren't taking baby steps to help you adjust in a more gradual and accepting manner. They are raging forth and screaming for acknowledgment giving you no say in the matter.
Humanity has difficulty w/change of any kind. No matter if it's good or bad for us, we don't like it. We resist it. They're going to happen whether we like it or not so brace yourself. These changes you didn't ask for are going on w/in your body and are confusing. They manifest themselves in the form of feelings which can be overpowering @ times. You sometimes feel things are out of control, for example. You haven't been taught what to do w/these errant and seemingly controlling feelings and as a result, you're releasing them in many forms such as anger, crying, and violent behavior. They are in control only because you are unaware of what to do and how to handle these burgeoning hormones. Hormones, you see, develop a wide variety of changes w/in your body such as breast development, menstrual cycle, etc. If you think about it for a minute you will understand. Your body is actually changing itself physically. There is growth and new bodily functions going on which has never been eperienced before. It's really so amazing.
This is why I suggest you find a mental health professional. It will take someone who is trained in such matters to help guide you through this mangled mess of confusing chemical surges w/in you. This is all new to you and you need help understanding these changes. The sooner you get guidance the better off you will be.
There are a lot of adults in this world who have never received any guidance, so they have never grown past the teenagers impulsive reactions when angered. As adults they become attached to them and even addicted to them much in the same way as a drug addict. You have probably seen adults behave in very childlike behavior when they are angry about something. These adults have never been guided and have never grown past their teens "emotionally". There are an awful lot of them out there too. Simply watch how they drive.
This brings me back to recommending getting w/someone who is trained in these matters. This is probably your best course of action for now. Good luck to you!!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I stumbled across this site by accident. I seriously doubt many of you have the qualifications to give real people proper advice. After reading some of your responses to people's inquiries i was quite astonished as to how teenagers find they are able to give quality advice and information to real people in need with such little life experience. If you ask me you are not in a place to give your "personal opinion" when people truly believe you are giving them the right answer simply because you claim "people think i give really good advice". (eg. i am still at a loss as to how a 17 year old girl thinks she can give advice to someone regarding conceiving a child) I know you try to come across as a "godsend" to poeple who are in some sort of personal crisis and need a fast easy answer but the truth is, in the cases where it really counts, there rarely is one; at least not from you.
You obviously haven't been on this site very long. Not everyone on here is a teenager. Yes, there are a lot of teenagers on this site, but you also have people who are grandparents along with everything in between. What's great about this site is that people of all ages give advice and are, for the most part, respected for their opinion. People don't always agree w/the advice they've been given even when it is good advice. There's a rating system here and people do give bad ratings to people when they don't feel the advice is good.
This is a forum not unlike that of your advice columnists such as Ann Landers. Who was Ann Landers that she should be able to advise America. She had no special training and frankly I don't think anyone should take anything someone says 100% to heart. She was advising people from letters. To me a simple letter w/sketchy details is not they best way to advise someone. But, it's fun for the questioner and fun for the columnist.
How I think this forum can be helpful is in its ability to trigger different approaches to a problem that an individual had not thought of. If you read the answers to the questions you would see that the questioner gets many different opinions and views as to how the problem can be solved. There is no way that someone could take all the answers literally and to heart. We just give the questioner ideas that they can consider or a view they never thought of. I don't expect people to do exactly what I say, but I hope that I trigger a creative force w/in the questioner to develop a successful plan in triumphing their dilemma.
Last, but not least, I have read some absolutely thought provoking excellent advice from teenagers. I've been impressed at how intuitive and insightful they are and would listen to what these people have to say any time of the week. You may want to take a second look at what you've been witnessing here.
Best of luck to you!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I'm 20, female. My psychologist informed me that I have EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified). I can see where she's coming from, but at the same time, I think she's wrong.
I know I have eating issues. I stay under 600 calories per day, lately it's been under 500. I think about food a lot. I've lost almost 60 pounds (but I'm still overweight--I was obese to begin with).
But I've only been doing this for five or six months. I AM still eating. So it hasn't been that long, and I haven't restricted that much.
First of all, can a psychologist actually diagnose an eating disorder, or is it unofficial unless it comes from a doctor?
Second, is it unfair to classify me as eating disordered? Does it not take away from those who are more severe, for longer? Did my therapist jump the gun?
I know what I'm doing is unhealthy. I just don't think it's as severe as everyone is making it out to be.
You do come across in this question as someone who has an eating disorder. I'd have to talk to you a little more to be sure. Limiting your caloric intake to 600 is a bit savvier. Try eating at least 1000 calories a day and add a good 20 minute workout to your daily schedule. Work out in the morning because this increases your metabolism for the day. This should help you towards a less life threatening lifestyle. You're fine right now because you've only been doing this for a short while. It already sounds like your transitioning into the danger zone by your going down to 500 cals a day. This behavior is indicative of Anorexia. I've known people who have suffered this and what you are doing is very familiar to me. See how this works? Your psychologist could have worked w/so many people w/eating disorders that they know the signs. Most people who have an eating disorder can't see they have a problem. They usually live in denial. You may want to reassess your view of yourself. I think you really know what is going on, but are afraid to admit it because what you are doing is working and you don't want to stop doing something that works for you. The problem w/this is that it won't work forever. Eventually you will either die of complications due to insufficient nutrients or start eating regular again and gain more weight than you lost. This is your body’s protective response to having gone through a starvation mode. Your body will slow down your metabolism so that you store and hold onto food more efficiently. It will be come afraid that there will be another period of famine. Your body can’t tell the difference between you intentionally wanting to restrict your caloric intake or an environment depleted of food. It will do what it is programmed to do and that is to help you survive the famine. It is because of this type of dieting that we have an obesity problem, among other things, in this country. Relax and settle down in a quiet place and look w/in you to find the answer here.
I'm not sure if psychologists are suppose to diagnose. I have been of the opinion that psychologists head up the therapy programs based on the diagnosis of a Doctor or psychiatrist. It is my opinion that only a Doctor can diagnose an illness. But, sometimes people have been doing what they do for years and have developed a good sense for these things. You may want to at least listen to what they have to say before you make your final decision.
I wish you the best of luck in your endeavor towards weight loss.
Namste!
LULABELLE
ok so just about an hour ago
i just got this really bad headache
so i took advil
it helped
and while my head hurt my heart started to like hurt
its when i breathe in it like hurts
and you know when its cold out and your breathe in and its all liek cold.
it feels like that
and idk what to do
and its hurts and feels weird!
im 14 if that helps!
but someone help me!
First of all you need to tell a parent or someone who is in charge so that you can have yourself evaluated by Dr. or something. But don't worry about it, stay calm. Worrying will only worsen the condition not help it. We are not Drs and can only speculate as to what could be going on. It could be something as simple as a hart murmur. The symptoms are similar to those you described, or it could be something I have no experience with what so ever. That's why I say it would be best if you got do a doctor or hospital as soon as possible and have this condition evaluated and tested. Good luck to you and my prayers are w/you.
Namste!
LULABELLE
okay so last month i had sex and i missed my period then this month i got my period but it was light pink and not as heavy as it normally is. could i be pregante? also i took a pregancy test after i missed my period last month but it came out negative.
I think you're fine with regards to your being pregnant. Since the test came back negative I don't think you have anything to worry about. As far as your monthly cycle is concerned flow can fluctuate and be considered normal. However, there are a couple of reasons, besides pregnancy, that can be the cause of skipping your cycle. You could be incurring stress physically, such as a sport that requires you to workout a lot and keep your body fat under 10%. There are women who have kept their body fat w/in or under the 10% range, didn't have a period for years, and still got pregnant though so no guarantees. Emotional stress can also trigger the "no flow" button. For example, you could be worrying so much about getting pregnant that you stressed your body into this response, to name one, or any number of emotional stresses (family, boyfriend). It would be my suggestion to you that if you are going to participate in this activity regularly than you might want to consider using protection. If you aren't ready to have a baby you should really look into different methods of keeping from getting pregnant. There are clinics out there you can go to that will help you medically and they'll be discreet. You can be checked out, just to be sure since pregancy tests aren't 100%, and discuss w/caring professionals what would be the best avenue for you to take.
I wish you the best of luck!!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
my name is Rachel strickland and iam 17 years old and iam sorry if this in the wrong category but i didn't know weather to put this in school or parenting so i put under parenting but anyways lets get to the point of things.my mom works in the lunchroom at school so at the end of the day when the bell rang I figured like she always does she would wait for me in the cafetiria like i said she always does this and she wasn't there so i looked in the kitchen becouse sometimes she goes into the kitchen to clean up a little bit while she waits again she wasn't there so i looked in the media center sometimes she goes in there to get a magazine or a newspaper to read while she waits for me again she wasn't there so i begane to get scared even though iam 17 i don't like the idea of being by myself or my mom forgetting me anywhere becouse my dad died when i was 12 and ever since then i haver real bad anxiety attacks so anyway I waited outside for about an hour and half becouse if figured my mom had to do go pick up my 5 year old niece and 3 year old nephew from school first I understand that my niece and nephew have to come before i do becouse they are younger than me but what me mad was i got tired of waiting for 30 minutes outside so i went in and called my stepdad to com and get me he wouldn't come becouse he said he had to take somebody to work i thought he's 17 year old stepdaughter was more important than his social life so i began to get scared and upset so i told ok and hung up the phone and i started crying becouse this has never happened to me before ever so I went back outside to wait and i waited for about another hour so that was an hour and half waiting school gets out about 3:00pm and i waited about an hour and a half untill i got tired of waiting all day long like i was nothing so i started to walk home by myself when i don't like that anyways i got so nervous about walking about walking home my hands were cold and clamy and i started shaking my heart was beating really fast and i had a really bad headache and iwas still crying so by the time i got home my niece and nephew were on the floor playing like everything was ok i know they are only 5 and 3 so i wasn't mad with that what i was mad about to see my mom taking a nap on the couch I don't know why that made me so mad but it did so when my mom woke up i didn't wake her then becouse i needed to take a nap myself and get calmed down so i took a nap and when i woke up my mom was fixing dinner and then when she saw me she said i hi honey dinner's ready and then i said mom did you happen to forget something at school today like mabey your daughter and then she just said sorry like it was no big deal what should i do please help!!!!!!!!
I know you aren't going to like what I have to say, but I feel it important to be honest w/you.I won't help you at all if I tell you what you want to hear. It sounds to me like our mother is trying to help you become independent. You are 17 years old now and should be able to get home from school on your own. This doesn't mean your mother doesn't love you. As a matter of fact it proves that she loves you implicitly. Your step father probably reacted the way he did because he and your mother agreed on this as a way of helping you overcome your anxiety. Part of what parenting is about is to instill independence in children and helping children cope w/life. Look at what YOU accomplished here. You actually got yourself home, w/o incident, all by yourself. That's fantastic! You should be proud of yourself. You can't let these anxiety attacks control your life and that is what your mother and stepfather are trying to help you with. When I was 17 my parents barely saw hide nor hair of me. But don't use me as an example because it's entirely possible that I was too independent. There's a happy medium that you may want to shoot for. Start getting home on your own is a great start and if you don't want to be by yourself at first then get w/friends and hang out w/them after school a while. Have one of them walk you home. I'll bet you that if you start becoming more independent your mother will come to you one day and wistfully ask, "where is my little girl". I wish you all the luck in the world w/this and I know you will overcome your anxiety.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now. He finally has told someone (me) about what has happened in his childhood and how messed up he is about it. He does drugs all the time, drinks, smokes. He used to cut himself but he is done with that and he and I want to get married. My problem is that he recently told me that he wants to also start having sex with other people, that he wants to act out his physical attraction but still be with me. In his mind, he thinks that sex and love are 2 different things, that he can separate the 2 without any attachments to another person and the other eprson won't have any attachment to him. We got into this huge argument about it, him not realizing that just by saying that, it hurt me so much. Well, in the end, he had sex with the girl anyways (but he didn't cum), but now the girl is possibly pregnant. She says that she hadn't had sex with any other person in that time period but they used a condom and it didn't break. How could she have gotten pregnant? I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, and he knows that I am hurt so badly by these turns of events. But I just don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I can't go to classes, and when I do, I don't understand anything that the teachers say because I am so numb because of it. I love him so much, and he loves me, but I don't know how I can trust him again without feeling like this.
I don't want to be told that I have to dump him or should dump him, I don't want to do that, I just want to be able to talk to him and not feel like screaming at him. We have been through so much already, and I don't want this to be the end.
Thank you all for your time in reading and responding to this question.
Unfortunately this isn't an isolated incident. Men don't always equate sex w/love. They also view sex as a fun adventure. Like fun and games, so to speak. Now I'm not saying all men are like this, but from my experience an awful lot of them are. At least he warned you and didn't marry you and then start doing it. A lot of men do that.
Women, on the other hand, and for the most part, equate sex w/love. If we give of ourselves to someone we bond and become attached. This is an example of one of the major differences between men and women that neither gender can get about the other.
This difference is a major reason why you hear women crying and talking about everything they did for the guy. They speak of all that they did to be there for him while on the other hand you hear the guy wondering what happened. He thought they were just having fun.
You do have to make a choice as difficult as it sounds. This guy is going to do this. If you keep arguing w/him about it and are suffering he will rationize, in his mind, that he cares so much for you he will start telling you what you want to hear and go ahead doing what he's going to do anyway, behind your back. He will rationalize, "what you don't know won't hurt you", and he does love you. You have to ask yourself: Is this the life you want to live? You could eventually, by some happenstance, discover his illicit activities and it will only devastate you again.
You may want to opt for a break from each other for a while. Let him get a taste of what life would be w/o you. You can tell him that you need a break for a while to see how you really feel about this forced one sided lifestyle. This can also help you get in touch w/what kind of life you really wish to live. It could be that he's scared of making this commitment of marriage and this is what he's come up w/to help him cope. He could be getting the cold feet thing.
Another choice is to brake up w/him. I know this is not what you want to do, but if you don't want the type of life I described above this is the only choice you have for now. He's not going to change. Even if he attempts it for a while he will most likely be drawn back into this life he wants to live. He's starting to think he's going to miss out on something. You are either going to have to suck it up and accept what he's doing or distance yourself.
This is why I strongly recommend taking a break for a while. You can start being w/friends. Go out on dates w/other guys. I know dating someone else seems incomprehensible, but it will help you understand how you feel about him and what it is you truly want from a life long commitment. You can't do that while you are still attached to this person. You have to take care of number 1, he is. I know it hurts beyond belief and you feel betrayed (rightfully so), but you have to push past this. You can do it. He's not going to change what he's doing while he think he's got you where he wants you. You need to start making yourself get out of bed and going to classes. He can't know he is affecting you this way. At least act like you're living and eventually you will be again. He's an awfully selfish person. Are you sure that's who you want to spend your life with?
I do feel for you in this crisis. It isn't easy for you I know. I think most of us have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could say that magic sentence that would make everything alright, but I can't. Only time and YOU can do that. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
We'll i have been going out with this girl britney for about four months, but we have been talking for a little over three years. We'll me and her dad ahve become great friends and talk, and sometimes we even hang out with out britney there. Just chill like some sweet ass dude's. lol, we are cool. We'll i have only seen her mom a few times because she is a nurse and is barely ever home. she seems kind of ignorant, but yeah. and we'll personally i think she hates my guts!! when i'm there and she comes home she never says hi or anything to me she just ignores me. sometimes i try to make conversation and stuff,but i just keep thinking she hates me!! what do i do?
It could be really simple. I don't think she hates you. I think it is a simple matter of her coming home from a long day @ work. Her job as a nurse can be brutal and it doesn't matter whether she works in a hospital or doctors office. If it's a hospital she is dealing w/highly charged emotions all day long. She's drawing blood, taking samples from people who really don't want all this done to them, but have to take it because the doctor has ordered it. Supervising and even tending to bed changes, emptying bed pans, dispensing medications, changing puss and blood filled bandages, bathing bed ridden patients, and throughout all of this she maintains a chipper attitude to help friends and family through this difficult time. It isn't that she doesn't like you, it's just she wants to come home, take her shoes off and relax, w/o someone who she doesn't know being there, so she can just be herself. She's feeling a bit intruded upon. What you might want to do is, w/a cheerful voice, always greet her and always be kindly towards her. Don't let your aggravation show. Don't worry about whether she is greeting you or not, just cheerfully greet her when she comes home. She will eventually come around and be more accepting.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I have a friend who likes this girl as more than a friend. And she knows it, but she just would rather prefer being friends.Now he is deciding to totally ignore her. Why can't guys just be friends even if they have feeling. I mean if he really liked her he would want her to be happy right?
I know this will sound out there, but he only likes the IDEA of her. What I mean by this is he got some idea in his head how the relationship was to develop. In his perception she was as infatuated w/him as he was w/her. He became convinced of his delusion of a mutual admiration. When his perception of how their relationship was to develop was met w/the reality of her true feelings he was embarrassed. He put himself out there and was told she wasn't interested in him in that way. His ego couldn't handle it. That's ashamed too, because there have been many long lasting true love relationships that started off by just being friends. If he had reacted more accepting of where she is right now she may have taken a second look and spent more time w/him. She may have thought there was more to this guy than she thought. As it stands she probably thinks, yea, I was right, there is not much there to appreciate if he's going to act that way. I mean, if he truly liked her for her then he wouldn't ignore her. He'd be patient and continue to be her friend. You can't get someone to like you by ignoring them. The fact that he's put conditions on how it is suppose to look for him to like her shows me he didn't like HER in the first place. He just liked something she could do for him like...he'd look good having her as a girlfriend, she knows people he wants to know, she belongs to organizations that he wants to belong to, etc. The list goes on an on. People get hooked on the craziest things. I know a guy who thought he was in love because the girl has hair that was down to her ankles. He loved the hair, but not her. It could be something like that. You can't really know what it was he had focused on but it was a superficial "like" of her not a true "like" of her that he was about.
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I want to go to a college in a different state, but the tuition is so incredibly high because I'm not a resident of the state. (the state is California). How do I become a resident of the state, and how long will it take?
Thank you!
It's actually over a year or 366 days. You have to get a California Drivers license and establish that this is where you intend to live. Here is a web site that goes into detail as to the details. I lived out there for 8 years and it really is an advantage to do it this way if you can. I lived in San Francisco and was able to go to school for free w/the exception of paying for my books. I went to school at a city college there and took some courses at UC Berkley. The fees residents pay are drastically different from those who are not residents. I had another friend who went to UC Berkley and he paid $30,000 a semester and this was back in the early '90s. I'm sure tuitions have gone up since then. Good luck to you.
http://www.registrar.ucsb.edu/residenc.htm#who
http://www.registrar.ucsb.edu/residenc.htm
Namaste!
LULABELLE
I am at breaking point with my mom. She does not accept the woman I love, with whom I have two sons. This problem is damaging the lives of my family as well as my father and brothers. She twists events to the point of complete fiction and twists them in such a way that we are terribly victimizing her. In truth, knowing her condition, we have taken great care into our dealings with her and have always welcomed her in our lives. Somehow, my partner seems to sit in the wrong way, not greet her in such a way as to appease her, not call enough, not come from a nice enough family - the list is infinite. She doesn't believe that our intentions are pure. My partner has continued to try, despite the fact that she will never be accepted and that she will always accidentally do something wrong - but she has reached the point where she has spiritually given up - she can never show her real self to my mother again.
My mom creates massive drama around every important event in life - from the birth of our son, the completion of my PhD, moving into my first home - they have all been spoiled because of her fiction drama. Everyone in the family knows she has lost her mind, but everyone is afraid to confront her - and rightfully so. If you don't agree with what she says, then you are the enemy. So, she creates this fake world, people try to pacify her and we grow more distant. I am at a loss for what to do. I could talk honestly with her - a strategy which has never worked in the past, or I could keep trudging along trying to be nice and to serve as a bridge between the most important people in my life. My last attempt at honesty resulted in her listing off further transgressions on our part and her continued inability to understand any other viewpoint. Unfortunately, I have reached the point where I am too angry and frustrated to continue this much longer. I'm not willing to lose my mother – despite all of this, she is a very loving and good woman. However, I am afraid that I have no reasonable options to pursue! Any advice would be very appreciated.
Male, early thirties
I do feel for you. I have this same problem with my mother. I don't have a signif so she does these exact same things to my sister-in-law. My mother is nicer towards men than she is w/women though. People like yours and my mother are so unhappy that there IS nothing you can do. No matter what you say it will be wrong. They don't want help and actually think it is everyone else who has the problem, not them. Now I'm not diagnosing here, but it sounds like she has something called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. This condition is considered incurable primarily because these people don't think there is anything wrong in the first place. If you could ever get them to truly admit there is a problem than something could be done. But that rarely happens. They think, if only others would do something different everything will be ok. Of course it never is. You have to start thinking of you and your family and start taking care of you. There is a great book you can read that will help you cope w/this situation and it is called, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. You can purchase this book on Amazon or at your local bookstore. It will be like reading your life w/one exception. They will tell you the most successful choices to make when your mother is behaving badly. As unbelievable as this may sound they do behave pretty similarly. This book is a good start to help you understand what you should do when you mother does or says certain things. I've also included some websites that have support groups for you to choose from. I belong to two and have found them to be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in this and if you have further questions feel free to contact me. Lots of Luck to You!
http://www.bpdresources.com/supportnons.html
http://www.google.com/Top/Health/Mental_Health/Disorders/Personality/Borderline/Support_Groups/
Namaste!
LULABELLE
everyone thinks im gay because i dance and hang out with girls...im sure its normal because, well i like girls. what could i do to show im straight to people so they could get off my back about it? -Tom
I say let them think whatever they want. Think of it this way. While the guys are thinking you're gay they aren't worried about your hanging around their girlfrieds. You can then swoop in and get any of the girls you want right in front of them. That'll teach them to make assumptions. You're the kind of guy that a girl feels lucky she got. You have the sensitivity to understand us better than most of the guys. So who do you really want to impress. Those jealous hearted little boys or those sweet loving young ladies? Good Luck to you!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
my boyfriend is going to propose to me on christmas (i over heard...oops!) it will then be 7 months we have gone out. Is that bad? I mean it doesnt mean we are gonna get married...
No, it's not bad at all. My question to you is...do you want to get married? If you say yes to his proposal there will be an expectation of a wedding at some point. People usually set a date from that point. So, yes, you will be getting married if you say yes to the question. If you're not ready for it than I would suggest that you say no for now. Tell him that you really love him but you are not ready for that kind of commitment yet. Since you know he is going to ask you ahead of time and if you are not ready for that kind of commitment, you may want to hint at how much you love the single life. If you have a goal you want to accomplish before you get married, talk about that. Stimulate conversation so that you two can talk about it and you can let him know how you feel ahead of time. That way he won't suffer the embarrassment of asking you and you turning him down. This could hurt him more than the two of you talking it out beforehand. But, if you are ready for it, then go for it. Nothing like spending your life w/someone you love. But no matter what you do you really need to think this over. It is a huge commitment and once it's made and you follow through w/it, it is more difficult and complicated than braking up w/someone. Be really sure of your decision. Good Luck no matter what your decision.
Namaste!
LULABELLE