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I stayed with him
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now. He finally has told someone (me) about what has happened in his childhood and how messed up he is about it. He does drugs all the time, drinks, smokes. He used to cut himself but he is done with that and he and I want to get married. My problem is that he recently told me that he wants to also start having sex with other people, that he wants to act out his physical attraction but still be with me. In his mind, he thinks that sex and love are 2 different things, that he can separate the 2 without any attachments to another person and the other eprson won't have any attachment to him. We got into this huge argument about it, him not realizing that just by saying that, it hurt me so much. Well, in the end, he had sex with the girl anyways (but he didn't cum), but now the girl is possibly pregnant. She says that she hadn't had sex with any other person in that time period but they used a condom and it didn't break. How could she have gotten pregnant? I am devastated. I don't know what to do. I want to stay with him, and he knows that I am hurt so badly by these turns of events. But I just don't want to get out of bed in the mornings, I can't go to classes, and when I do, I don't understand anything that the teachers say because I am so numb because of it. I love him so much, and he loves me, but I don't know how I can trust him again without feeling like this.
I don't want to be told that I have to dump him or should dump him, I don't want to do that, I just want to be able to talk to him and not feel like screaming at him. We have been through so much already, and I don't want this to be the end.
Thank you all for your time in reading and responding to this question.
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He is using his childhood as an excuse for actions that he knows are wrong. He needs to grow up and wake up to reality. How do you know what happened between him and the other girl? They could have had unprotected sex and he could have ejaculated. You weren't there. You can't know. What he did was completely unacceptable. I know you love him and you've been through a lot with him, but you need to make a statement. Let him know that you're not going to put up with him treating you like this for whatever reason. It's just not right. It's going to be hard on you too, but you need to take a break from him. If he really wants to be with you he won't go with other girls in that time. He'll be completely focused on you. If he isn't, I'm sorry to say, but he doesn't feel the same way about you that you do about him and you need to end it for yourself. Look what its doing to you. You can't handle everyday activities. It's screwing up your life. Breaking up with him isn't going to ruin your life any more than being with him already is. Tell him that you need to think about whether or not you two are right for each other and you want to take a break for a month. Don't talk to him at all. After the month, talk to him about what went on during that time in person. You'll know whether or not you should get back together with him. I wish you lots of luck.
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This guy is a loser. really. I don't judge him for the drugs and drinking but wanting to have sex with other people... that's just taking it too far, ya know? he won't make you happy and you'll probably blame yourself later for taking it and not being able to change him. you can do so much better than that! you need someone that you can be happy with that doesn't hurt you. leave him and find someone else. it might seem like a while but it will be worth it. being sad over a break up for a while but then finding someone who can make you happy wil make it worth it. that's just me but if you want to stay with him then just watch out... no one wants to be hurt by someone they love. <3
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Unfortunately this isn't an isolated incident. Men don't always equate sex w/love. They also view sex as a fun adventure. Like fun and games, so to speak. Now I'm not saying all men are like this, but from my experience an awful lot of them are. At least he warned you and didn't marry you and then start doing it. A lot of men do that.
Women, on the other hand, and for the most part, equate sex w/love. If we give of ourselves to someone we bond and become attached. This is an example of one of the major differences between men and women that neither gender can get about the other.
This difference is a major reason why you hear women crying and talking about everything they did for the guy. They speak of all that they did to be there for him while on the other hand you hear the guy wondering what happened. He thought they were just having fun.
You do have to make a choice as difficult as it sounds. This guy is going to do this. If you keep arguing w/him about it and are suffering he will rationize, in his mind, that he cares so much for you he will start telling you what you want to hear and go ahead doing what he's going to do anyway, behind your back. He will rationalize, "what you don't know won't hurt you", and he does love you. You have to ask yourself: Is this the life you want to live? You could eventually, by some happenstance, discover his illicit activities and it will only devastate you again.
You may want to opt for a break from each other for a while. Let him get a taste of what life would be w/o you. You can tell him that you need a break for a while to see how you really feel about this forced one sided lifestyle. This can also help you get in touch w/what kind of life you really wish to live. It could be that he's scared of making this commitment of marriage and this is what he's come up w/to help him cope. He could be getting the cold feet thing.
Another choice is to brake up w/him. I know this is not what you want to do, but if you don't want the type of life I described above this is the only choice you have for now. He's not going to change. Even if he attempts it for a while he will most likely be drawn back into this life he wants to live. He's starting to think he's going to miss out on something. You are either going to have to suck it up and accept what he's doing or distance yourself.
This is why I strongly recommend taking a break for a while. You can start being w/friends. Go out on dates w/other guys. I know dating someone else seems incomprehensible, but it will help you understand how you feel about him and what it is you truly want from a life long commitment. You can't do that while you are still attached to this person. You have to take care of number 1, he is. I know it hurts beyond belief and you feel betrayed (rightfully so), but you have to push past this. You can do it. He's not going to change what he's doing while he think he's got you where he wants you. You need to start making yourself get out of bed and going to classes. He can't know he is affecting you this way. At least act like you're living and eventually you will be again. He's an awfully selfish person. Are you sure that's who you want to spend your life with?
I do feel for you in this crisis. It isn't easy for you I know. I think most of us have experienced something very similar to what you are going through. I wish I could say that magic sentence that would make everything alright, but I can't. Only time and YOU can do that. I wish you all the luck in the world!!
Namaste!
LULABELLE
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Why you don't want to end the pain and abuse that this guy is bringing into your life is beyond me. He will only give you more of the same and you will not be happy. This is a reality check, so open your eyes. He cheated on you, tried to get your permission first, and when you did not cave in, he went out and had sex with the girls anyway. I find it hard to believe that he did not ejaculate during sex and so should you! He could very well be the father of her baby and if he had sex without condoms, there is huge risk of STDS! Do you want his stds? Get out quick and don't look back! The facts are you can not be a sane person and trust him. Focusing on him and not your own happiness and worth is costing you your grades and education and that is a tragedy. He hurt you, and will again. He does not love you and he is using drugs etc. Why do you think that all you deserve in life is a guy like this? It is so sad that you have been selling yourself short, way short! I know what it is to be desperate to love and be loved, but you have to raise your standards, because this is not love and you will not have a chance at finding real love if you stay with him.
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I'm assuming that this is the same person who asked about her fiancee who wants to sleep with other people previously. So, I won't add a whole lot of how it will never work out, because I already answered the last question.
But, I just wanted to add that there is no way that this boy, and I emphasize boy instead of man... this boy, does not love you. If he loved you then he would have put your feelings before his need to get off.
This is a prime example of how dumb it is for him to think that sex does not lead to people getting attatched.
Either this girl is telling the truth, and he'll alwasy be attatched to this other person because of a child. Or, this girl is lying and is obviously very attatched to him and wants to keep him by any means possible.
Either way you cannot stay with him. Think of how you feel right now, and now imagine him doing this over and over again. You will have to feel the same pain over and over again. I've been cheated on before, and trust me, no matter how hard you try, you will NEVER be able to trust this boy again. You'll always wonder if he's lying to you about everything.
I know it's hard right now, but if you dont' get out of the situation, then it will always be hard. If you get out of it now, then it will hurt for a while, and you'll eventually move on. If you continue to stay with him, then it will never get better.
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No offence to you, but, this man who you are with is a complete idiot. If he really wanted to be with you, and really love you, he would be only with you. I am sure that you won't make a mistake like staying with him. These days, there are so many divorces, please don't add to your future sadness and find a new man! I believe in you to make the right choice!
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