|
Impossible to please mom
I am at breaking point with my mom. She does not accept the woman I love, with whom I have two sons. This problem is damaging the lives of my family as well as my father and brothers. She twists events to the point of complete fiction and twists them in such a way that we are terribly victimizing her. In truth, knowing her condition, we have taken great care into our dealings with her and have always welcomed her in our lives. Somehow, my partner seems to sit in the wrong way, not greet her in such a way as to appease her, not call enough, not come from a nice enough family - the list is infinite. She doesn't believe that our intentions are pure. My partner has continued to try, despite the fact that she will never be accepted and that she will always accidentally do something wrong - but she has reached the point where she has spiritually given up - she can never show her real self to my mother again.
My mom creates massive drama around every important event in life - from the birth of our son, the completion of my PhD, moving into my first home - they have all been spoiled because of her fiction drama. Everyone in the family knows she has lost her mind, but everyone is afraid to confront her - and rightfully so. If you don't agree with what she says, then you are the enemy. So, she creates this fake world, people try to pacify her and we grow more distant. I am at a loss for what to do. I could talk honestly with her - a strategy which has never worked in the past, or I could keep trudging along trying to be nice and to serve as a bridge between the most important people in my life. My last attempt at honesty resulted in her listing off further transgressions on our part and her continued inability to understand any other viewpoint. Unfortunately, I have reached the point where I am too angry and frustrated to continue this much longer. I'm not willing to lose my mother – despite all of this, she is a very loving and good woman. However, I am afraid that I have no reasonable options to pursue! Any advice would be very appreciated.
Male, early thirties
[ ]
Want to answer more questions in the Relationships category?
Maybe give some free advice about: Families?
Your situation sounds very frustrating, and I believe you are in the most difficult position of all. You say you are not willing to give up your Mother, but I wonder what would happen if you allow yourself to Let Go? Letting go does not mean to stop caring, but what it does is to deny your Mother the right to emotionally blackmail you and your wife any longer.
You may have to give your Mother ultimatums, in which you need to be prepared to follow through on.
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for, but to care about.
To let go is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny, but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
]
Lullabelles advice is awesome, I would just like to add that you also need to discuss this with your partner and ensure that her needs are being met, and that she is happy with any choices you make. I would suggest that you put her first for the sake of your relationship and for the sake of your family. I also think that if your mother is this toxic then you limit the contact she has with your children especially in regards to leaving them unsupervised as the drama she creates will rub off on them and affect them in the present and future. Don't cut off all contact but limiting contact will ensure your sanity and that of your partner!
Hope this helps.
]
Your mom may simply feel as if you don't need her anymore. So, she's taking it out on your wife. After all she is the woman who 'took you away from her' right? I'm not married or anything, but my mom was the same way when I moved in with my boyfriend. She felt like I no longer needed her and that pretty much made her useless because that's what she was there for, to take care of me. It hasn't been very long though and my mom has grown to like him and accept it, so obviously your mom's problem is more then that. I'm not an expert on the whole 'losing her mind' thing, but as far as her easing up on your wife and everyone else a little, try showing your mom you still need her in some way. Do you ever call her just to talk to her? If not, that could help. As well as taking her places or just visiting her even if it's without the rest of your family. Whatever you do is gonna take time though, but as long as you don't give up on her, she shouldn't either.
=] Evy
]
I do feel for you. I have this same problem with my mother. I don't have a signif so she does these exact same things to my sister-in-law. My mother is nicer towards men than she is w/women though. People like yours and my mother are so unhappy that there IS nothing you can do. No matter what you say it will be wrong. They don't want help and actually think it is everyone else who has the problem, not them. Now I'm not diagnosing here, but it sounds like she has something called BPD or Borderline Personality Disorder. This condition is considered incurable primarily because these people don't think there is anything wrong in the first place. If you could ever get them to truly admit there is a problem than something could be done. But that rarely happens. They think, if only others would do something different everything will be ok. Of course it never is. You have to start thinking of you and your family and start taking care of you. There is a great book you can read that will help you cope w/this situation and it is called, Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back when Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. You can purchase this book on Amazon or at your local bookstore. It will be like reading your life w/one exception. They will tell you the most successful choices to make when your mother is behaving badly. As unbelievable as this may sound they do behave pretty similarly. This book is a good start to help you understand what you should do when you mother does or says certain things. I've also included some websites that have support groups for you to choose from. I belong to two and have found them to be helpful. I wish you the best of luck in this and if you have further questions feel free to contact me. Lots of Luck to You!
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
[Link](Mouse over link to see full location)
Namaste!
LULABELLE
]
More Questions: |